ausculture.com - Australian Idol blogfest

The Australian Idol Final Wrap

So, here we are. It’s been a long and winding journey, but we’re finally here at last - the Idol Final! Warning - this post is extremely long - see how much we love you guys? Personally I’d print it out and read it on your lunch break\Christmas holidays, but you do whatever you’re comfortable with. I figured the easiest way to summarise the night is relaying the ack-shun in chronological order. It’s mostly nonsense, idiocy and a fair few “Good God, why?”-s, but surely that’s what you’ve come to expect from ausculture.com? So let’s kick things off - seven minutes late, since I was distracted by a hardcore backyard game of Dodgy Bocce and didn’t realise it had started. Gulp.

7:37pm I’ve walked in the room to see Angela Bishop on screen. An ominous start. She’s going to be hanging out in Bankstown with the Casey Crew, and knowing Angela Bishop the way I do (which is “not at all”, thankfully), methinks she’ll be gutted at having missed a chance to slum around at the Opera House bothering semi-celebrities with witless banter.

7:40pm Our first performer for the night is… Laurence Sorbello? I’m sorry, did we forget that he ended up being quite rubbish? Laurence is all cowboy’d up, riding his oversized guitar (or is he just undersized?) down the steps of the Opera House while singing Lee Kernaghan’s anthem “Boys From The Bush” or whatever the hell it’s called. Terrible song when Kernaghan sings it - but Laurence defies popular belief and manages to make it sound worse. Don’t get me wrong, Laurence seems like a lovely bloke - but do we really need pseudo-Nashville wailings to kick off tonight’s proceedings? I sort of wish he’d sung Adam Brand’s “Dirt Track Cowboy” which would have made me giggle senselessly like most things which can be taken in a homosexual way do. Incidentally, is Laurence Sorbello actually Idol host James’ long lost twin, who was sadly deprived of nutrients in the womb due to a greedy Mr Mathison? Food for thought. If you’re an idiot.

7:42pm We see footage of Casey rolling onto Anthony in a hotel room and for a minute there, I’m sure thousands of teen girls fear for the Italian Stallion’s safety. Is this the first documented case of attempted murder in order to win an Idol competition? Somewhere in the crowd, Cosima DeVito is kicking herself for not thinking of it first and makes a mental note to join her local rifle club. Better late than never, eh Cosima?

7:46pm After a short ad break (the first of thousands), we are shown a delightful recap of the audition process. Starting with Melbourne, we get to see the best and the worst including Flynn and finalist Anthony - I’ll leave it to you to work out which category each belongs in. God, Anthony’s improved since he originally auditioned! He looked like he’d dipped himself in Vaseline before going in to see the judges - and the mullet! Sheeeezus!

Next up - Tamworth. We see the delightful Ngaiire Joseph and are reminded of the Top Twelve miscarriage of justice which saw Ngaiire booted from the competition. Onto Canberra where we meet a young blonde newlywed called Hayley - and she doesn’t get in! Chin up, girly - Marcia “fought for you, and will always fight for you, sister girlfriend.”

The Brisbane auditions introduce us to the “classless” (according to Dicko) Yasmine Dia and the fabulous Ricki-Lee Coulter. Oh Ricki-Lee, we all know you should be on the stage tonight as a finalist. Damn you, frighteningly unknown band The Beatles! Adelaide’s auditions turn up Emelia Rusciano, and Tassie gives us a sobbing Amali Ward. She really did improve by the end, didn’t she? Perth is a goldmine of talent, supplying the competition not only with Courtney Murphy and the Duffy sisters, but that adorable young bloke who wanted to turn “every song into a musical number”. Darwin coughs up Laurence “Lonestar” Sorbello and the chickie who wasn’t “a fucken diva”. Sydney supplies us with the majority of Top Twelve contestants, with Chanel, Daniel Belle, Marty, Hayley (again), Casey and Angie bursting into the national consciousness at the auditions.

7:53pm Andrew G bonds with the crowd as he introduces another clip package - this time full of people who were shit the Unforgettable’s. Naturally, they save the most popular shit Unforgettable for last - Flynn! Bless him.

7:55pm Here he is, ladies and gentlemen - Flynn live on stage! Totally rockin’, dude. And I love how he’s adopted Anthony’s blowjob fingers trumpet hands mic technique.

7:58pm James Mathison mumbles something, and my dear friend Ol Shirley remarks that Mathison is “a marble-mouthed buffoon”. Touché.

7:59pm We see a clip package of Ngaiire’s “journey”. Remember, Idol is all about journeys, especially the “long and winding” sort. Then she appears on stage, and for some bizarre reason, the producers feel the need to flash her name across the telly in ker-razy font! I just wish they hadn’t made her sing “No More Drama” - it’s okay, but I would have preferred any other of her Idol song choices.

8:01pm Andrew G joins Ngaiire onstage after her performance and talks about Ronald McDonald House. I am listening and caring, believe me, but for the first time ever I’m actually finding his hair so girly as to be utterly distracting. Something must be done. We see the Idol finalists serving up fries at Macca’s, and I regretfully wonder which of the Top Twelve will end up actually having to do that for real once the Idol shine wears off. Cue ad break.

8:06pm We’re back to some pre-recorded footage of Anthony and Casey whoring Delta’s album for her. I thought the ad breaks were over?

8:08pm Urgh - cheese factor ahoy! Carlos, Ngaiire, Barry Southgate, Adrian and Liza hop onstage to sing “Celebration” - cause, see, tonight’s a celebration! It’s so apt! Carlos still looks like he got into a fight with a Gilette razor - and lost. I must admit I’d forgotten about Liza, though I did quite like her as I recall. Adrian has become a funked up brother, and has possibly lost some weight. I still find it hard to believe he was in a boy band though. Barry continues his Idol legacy as The Good Looking One Who Should Hush And Take His Shirt Off, Right Marcia? and Ngaiire continues being the little dynamo we know and love. After the song finishes, Andrew G joins the Cheese Crew onstage and as he’s saying “If that song didn’t get your party started at home…” I find myself leaning in towards the telly and wailing “Yes, Andrew? What? Tell us what to do, Andrew! We’re desperate here!”

8:11pm Bless - the Unforgettable’s now take the stage and perform “Shake Your Groove Thang”. One of our Idol watching posse asks “Are we going to see every loser? Can we expect contestant #45621 who didn’t make the Top 100 to appear tonight?” and I regret that it’s actually a pretty reasonable question.

8:19pm And now a Joel Turner flashback. Mark hearts Joel, we see. And Mark also hearts beatboxers. Which works out really well since here comes…

8:21pm THE BEATBOX ALLIANCE! DON’T YOU JUST WANT TO WET YOUR PANTS WITH WEE IN EXCITEMENT?! They arrive onstage very hyped up, and I wonder this is an unofficial audition for Wu-Tang Clan in the wake of Ol’ Dirty Bastard’s death? Ol Shirley yells “South Central Bankstown” at the television in joyful anticipation. For some reason (and you know, I dig the kids, I really do) I feel slightly embarrassed for them but I’m not sure why. Perhaps I have that old school fear of faux-ghetto posturing. Marcia - that’s what I’m talkin’ bout!

8:28pm An ad break - and can I ask, why is the HCF woman so squinty and aroused? Surely signing up for medical insurance on the internet isn’t that erotic?

8:29pm And we’re back. Time to meet The Mums! They look appropriately wonderful and chuffed. Awwwww.

8:30pm Now let us reflect on the wonderful Top Thirty. God, I miss Ricki-Lee. And Amali. Chanel’s History Repeating really was divine, and even Emelia wasn’t too bad after all even though she really did look like Pauline Hanson that infamous night. We see Anthony perform The Prayer on the Idol’s Choice week - he never really topped that, did he? And there’s the sweet, lovable, Dido-esque Hayley - I really did find her likable. After all that, I can’t quite believe Anthony and Casey ended up being our finalists, but that’s the way the cookie crumbles.

8:35pm Time for Marcia to perform to the crowd outside the Opera House… and she’s stolen Chanel’s signature beginning move, The Silhouette! Ms Hines is backed up by the earlier mentioned Cheese Crew. A little too much camel toe in this performance for my liking, but let’s be fair - Marcia does look feckin’ great for her age.

8:41pm Another ad break. I’m SO going to watch The World’s Strongest Boy, by the way.

8:43pm The atmosphere is electric - Casey and Anthony arrive! What is Casey wearing - a sari, complete with nose-couture? Huh? Anthony does look cute, for a 3ft little fellow. They slowly make their way up the Opera House stairs while Andrew G and James do some inane commentary. Someone in the crowd is in severe denial and is holding up a “Go Ricki-Lee” sign - I know how they feel.

8:50pm Fireworks are pretty, I agree. But let’s wind it up and get on with it, shall we?

8:51pm … and it’s wound up. The finalists arrive on stage to the sound of suitably awe-inspiring hero music (from The Best Of Elevator Music Volume IV, if you’re interested in buying it). Seriously Casey, a sari? God Anthony is tiny.

8:55pm Time for a half hour wankathon about how brilliant the judges are, followed on with some footage of their arguments (my favourite part!) Sniffle. It’s just not going to be the same next year without Dicko. He really will be missed - I wonder who they’ll get to fill in? Perhaps that crap guy from Popstars Live who sang Wild Wild West back in 1874?

9:01pm Dicko thanks Australia on behalf of his family for having them here. Aww, no worries champy. If you like, we can give Mark Holden to England as some sort of permanent exchange program. Lemme know.

9:02pm Please welcome the Top Twelve for Medleyfest 2004! Angie kicks some big mamma booty singing Aretha’s “Chains” and once again, I wish she’d stuck with soul-ish stuff in the competition rather than attempting Farnsey. Dan “Melted Cassette Tape” O’Connor offers up The Screaming Jet’s “Better”. Mute. Ahhh, that’s better. Lick. Ooooh, here comes the adorable little Amali singing Joss Stone’s “Some Kind Of Wonderful” - my fave Amali song choice evuh. She and Ricki-Lee are my picks as this year’s Actual Idols. Emelia “Amateur Hour” Rusciano (thanks for the top name, Will!) does Dusty, then Daniel Belle belts out “You Raised Me Up”. Somebody watched The Wog Boy recently, didn’t they, Daniel? Curls do get the girls! Now Ricki-Lee - oh babes, we needed you so much in the final few weeks. Your Proud Mary kicks eleven different kinds of arse. Marty poses his way through Huey Lewis & The News. Shame, I was starting to like him after weeks of not having to watch him sing on stage. Chanel looks resplendent though she sounds a bit iffy but hey, we know she’s excellent so back off alright? For some reason they make Hayley sing the most comical of all her song choices, Killing Heidi’s “Weir” - and they’ve even given her the ratty “rawk” hair! Courtney’s Sgt Pepper outfit looks rather incongruous on stage, especially since he’s not actually singing a Beatles song.

9:08pm And now the group join together to blast out the old Rugby League favourite “Good Times”. Highlights include Marty releasing at least three weeks of pent up posing, bless.

9:09pm On the upside, Casey ditched the sari. Good choice.

9:10pm Gratuitous Judge Check In! Holden blathers something about Anthony & Cleopatra being on stage. Rightio, Marky! Meanwhile, Marcia’s ESP-based vote counting technique (invented by Legion Interactive during the last Big Brother) leads her to inform us that voting is extremely close.

9:13pm Some video footage now of the Top Twelve reminiscing about living with Casey and Anthony. All fairly stock standard - Casey is messy, Anthony ate chocolate, etc - until…

9:14pm HA! Courtney, Daniel Belle and Marty get on their knees (no, not how you think, surprisingly) and pretend to be Anthony’s midget clones - and then take the absolute piss out of his laugh! Gold!

9:19pm After another commercial break, we see footage of Casey’s fans putting in their two cents. The Prawn Lady, The Girl With Half An Afro, Half A Braid and the Toothless Guy In Trackies are adorable although possibly not the best advert for Blacktown.

9:20pm And now Casey’s “journey” recapped. Re-watching her audition piece, I think back to how unlikely it seemed all those months ago that a surly teen in ratty clothing would ever make the Top 100, let alone the final. Till she opened her mouth, of course, then it became quite obvious there was something underneath the teen angst demeanour. The footage really hammers home my desire to see Casey win - her “journey” just seems more interesting and, dare I say it, special. Anthony simply doesn’t seem to have grown as obviously as Casey during the competition.

9:26pm Another cross to Angela Bishop in Bankstown - WHY? Bankstown’s mayor declares that the entire city loves her - bless. Housemate Poinaa comments that there’ll be “no more drive by shootings outside Casey’s house for at least a week as a reward!” Evil. I laughed.

9:27pm Time for Casey to sing - and they’ve chosen that Tina Arena song about a wheel that I didn’t particularly care for very much.

9:35pm Now it’s time to meet Anthony’s fans. One particularly dapper gent declares “Anthony, he’s good looking. Like me.” Some serious denial going on in Anthony’s home town.

9:36pm Here’s Anthony’s “journey” footage. Hmmmph. I note I’ve been spelling his name incorrectly for the entire Idol Blogging period. C-A-L-L-E-A. Christ, he had terrible hair when he auditioned! They show my favourite Anthony moment - remember when they were doing the Rolling Stone shoot, and the Marcia-esque randy woman there was all “You’re a Mediterranean Sex God! Take your pants off!” and he replied “I’m not a Mediterranean Sex God, I’m a short little wog!” - hahaha. Bless him to bits. At this point, I am beginning to question the power of Blair-itis - he could very well win this, as most of the punters believe. I wonder what song they’ll choose for Anthony to finally perform? They’ve chosen some rubbish songs for everyone else, so perhaps he’ll be stuck with his homoerotic rendition of Car Wash?

9:41pm Anthony reveals his nonna came over the night before and splashed him with Holy Water - how utterly Roman-Catholic and excellent!

9:42pm We cross to Anthony’s old school where Video Hits presenter Axle Whitehead chats to Anthony’s old chum Johnny Young. He looks rather old these days, doesn’t he? Not like when I saw him back at the Young Talent Time ‘88 concert at the Entertainment Centre! Sigh. I remember when Craig McLachlan got on stage with Check 1-2 and performed Mona and I swore black and blue that he waved just at me, all the way back in Row W. Oooh, sorry about the flash back. On with the show.

9:44pm The Prayer, eh? How convenient.

9:47pm Anthony - always very moved by his own performance. It was faultless, admittedly, and he really does look the Idol part on stage - a Dolly Magazine reader’s wet dream. James Mathison promises us that he’ll reveal “Straya’s” verdict after the break. We’ve heard that before!

9:52pm After another ad break, we get to see some video footage of various stars giving us their opinions on this year’s Idol. Kylie Minogue sends her best wishes, because I’m sure she’s watched every episode, though I note she resists mentioning anyone by name. Goodness, you’d almost think she didn’t know or give a shit about any of the finalists?! More slebs give their thoughts. Sharon Strezlecki aka Magda Subanski gets a massive cheer from the crowd.

9:53pm Shannon Noll chats to James. Yawn.

9:55pm Another check in with Axle in Melbourne. Good lord, he’s a bit of a Ploog, isn’t he?

9:56pm And now the third Angela Bishop appearance on my screen. Surely that’s a breach of some sort of U.N convention? Where’s Dubya’s gungho military strikes when you need them? Casey’s cousin’s chat to Bronwyn Jnr and they do a special rap for her - Eminem can rest easy. Although credit where it’s due - rhyming “mouse” with “Opera House” is a stroke of genius.

10:01pm Tina Arena gives props to Anthony and Casey. As does Steve Irwin (?) and Nick Giannopolousnesspous from The Wog Boy. Delta gives the top two contestants some advice although surprisingly “Avoid writing songs about The Poo that involve garden metaphors” isn’t included.

10:03pm The Top Twelve sing a medley again - starting with a Gregorian chant version of the Men At Work classic “Down Under”. Why? They follow this on with Savage Garden’s “I Believe” and once again - why? Deadset worst lyrics ever. Who chose the songs tonight, eh? Erana? Foreman? Someone must pay!

Thankfully, Savage Garden is abandoned in favour of The Easy Beats “Friday On My Mind” which you can just tell Courtney adores singing. Marty, stop posing! Why this constant need to touch the ground and bob up and down? The ladies step forward and do some “Pleasure and Pain” though if you’re going to do Divinyls, you should always choose the excellent I Touch Myself.

What’s this? Anthony vs Casey in a Duet To The Death? No, it’s just the beginning of Playing To Win which everyone eventually joins in on. It’s all so laden with meaning that I need a lie down. What the fuck - now they’re massacring Silverchair’s “The Greatest View”? Good god, Dan O’Connor really is shocking, isn’t he? Marty continues posing like a Country Road model on crack, and at this point I begin wondering what I have done wrong to deserve this. Just when I think it can’t get any worse, they get Ricki-Lee and Angie to kick off a soul version of Waltzing Fucking Matilda. Make the pain stop!

10:09pm Surprisingly, relief comes in the form of Guy Sebastian continuing the song. I know everyone hip dislikes Guy, but fuck it - I’m outing myself as someone who likes Guy although I can’t wait till his inevitable Britney-like fall from Christian grace. Guy’s 30 second vocal contribution to the night really has shown up the Top Twelve though, I must say.

10:11pm His dreadful fro, on the other hand, has not.

10:12pm James says that the result is just a few minutes away, but I recall hearing similar sentiments back at 9:47pm. Longest. Night. Ever. Housemate Poinaa points out that “they’re stretching it out worse than Eddie McGuire does!”

10:17pm But the ads has come and gone, and it seems they were telling the truth! Ohmygodwhatsgonnahappenwhosgonnawinsonervoushit etc. The responsibility of announcing the result goes to Andrew G which is completely understandable after James “Tongue Epilepsy” Mathison’s screw up last year. And the winner is…

CASEY DONOVAN!
Casey wins!

Good god! I can’t believe my Blair-itis Prediction actually ended up being correct! Woo!

10:21pm Folks, here’s the Australian Idol for 2004, Ms Casey Donovan, with her first single “Listen To My Fart With Your Heart”. If I’m gonna have to hear that song on the radio incessantly for three months, I’m glad it’s Casey’s infinitely more interesting version. Don’t worry Anthony, no record company is going to miss the chance to milk your success with the laydeez.

So kids, that’s it for this year’s Idol blog. We backed a winner - woo!

We’ve had some highs and lows, met quite a few interesting characters, and even though we’ve no doubt wanted to use a rifle on our television at times like a disgruntled bourbon-soaked Texan with anger-management issues - it really has been a pleasure.

I feel I should mention at this point that ausculture.com don’t really hate or loathe any of the contestants or judges - not even Marty & Marcia! - since only mental people develop real issues with folks from the telly. But riding the metaphorical raging river of Idol emotions has been a right laugh at times, and we thank contributors, regular readers and regular lurkers for choosing to hop aboard the ausculture.com “canoe” over the past few months. We also thank you for tolerating that ridiculous river analogy.

After a few months recuperating from the blogging responsibilities that comes with running special event mini-blogs, who knows - perhaps we’ll muster up enough strength to do it all again next year?

Till then, touch yourselves and each other. I mean, take care of yourselves - and each other. I really should stop watching The Jerry Rimmer Show on the Adult Entertainment cable channel.

So long!

ausculture.com xxx

Posted by Jess at 12:02 AM link | comment | email

ausculture.com Officially Supports…

Go Casey, we says.

That is all.

Posted by Jess at 1:18 PM link | comment | email

Sunday Night Final Performance Thoughts

It’s official - I absolutely loathe Dianne Warren.

I mean, I always knew the Idol single would be a boring piece of crap, but oh - what a boring piece of crap this year’s release is! Trite lyrics, limp tune - it really does blow goats. It makes “Angels Brought Me Here” sound like the most exciting pop tune ever. As I watched both Anthony and Casey belt out the flaccid ballad that is “Listen With Your Heart” (or whatever it’s called) I couldn’t help but silently pray and thank the Gods that Ricki-Lee and Chanel managed to avoid releasing it as their first single. I guess the Powers That Be do have a plan, after all! I’ll be counting on that fact as we spend the next few years enjoying Howard and Bush’s time in power.

The recapper on the Official Idol Site says the single is “a tune that has ‘instant classic’ written all over it in large bold, neon letters, quite probably visible from space.” If you changed ‘instant classic’ to ‘absolute arsedribble’, the description would be spot on.

Anthony sang the song from one of the Karate Kid movies as well as Craig David’s “Walking Away” - he did alright, I suppose, but I still just find him dull. Sorry, Anthony. On the upside, thousands of teenage girls want to touch your presumably immaculately groomed nether regions. Though as we all know, that might not float your boat as much as the tweens hope.

Casey’s first song was a belter, but the second tune - the Evanescence one - was dull as dishwater. Honestly, Evanescence is whiney music for goth-wannabe teens who have convinced themselves that sounding moody is the same as portraying real emotion. Yawnfest 2004.

In any case, I preferred Casey’s version of the horribly shite Warren-penned single, even though she buggered up the first verse. She won’t win though, which means we should all begin preparing to hear Anthony’s plaintive wails non-stop on the radio for the next three months.

PS: The general consensus in The House Of Estelle Getty (ie: the new share house I’ve moved into - the name has a story behind it. An appropriately rubbish story) is that Anthony would be a perfect new member for Mercury 4.

PPS: I’m thinking of doing an ARIA-style wrap of the Idol final. If I can be bothered. I figure my posting on Idol has become rapidly half-arsed so I may need to redeem myself with a massive final show post.

Posted by Jess at 9:59 PM link | comment | email

Good God - Have I Worn Myself Out?

I can’t believe how uninterested I am in Australian Idol. I don’t want to sound like those elitist folks who pay out on shows like Idol constantly and pretend they’re too good for it, because I’m nothing like that. I lurve watching Good Idol. I crave it.

But ever since Chanel left, I’ve been surprised by how much I’ve missed her! I didn’t mourn like some did after she was booted, as I felt secure in the knowledge that she’d continue on her kick arse path regardless. But shit - I had no idea just how much I looked forward to her performing each week. When the first post-Chanel booting Sunday night performance rolled along, I just felt nothing. No hate, no affection, nothing.

Could it be that Chanel was the only reason to look forward to on Sunday night’s? I mean, the girl wasn’t perfect but hell - I’m beginning to suspect that even non Chanel lovers had been tuning in simply to see which song she’d choose to sing. The fall in ratings since her departure indicates I could perhaps be right. She was interesting. She occasionally surprised us. She wasn’t always brilliant, but she was never, ever dull.

So what can I say about last night’s program? One word - yawn. There’s nothing wrong with Courtney, Casey or Anthony, don’t get me wrong. I can’t muster up any ill feelings towards them. But neither can I muster up any actual affection, really.

The fast songs were good, I suppose, and the slow songs were boring. The timing of the “touchdowns” (when did they start getting taken seriously?!) were so contrived as to be insulting.

“Casey and Courtney, you’re allowed one each in the first half. We’ll make it seem like Anthony isn’t going to get one at all. But oh, when he closes the show with his groin-tugging rendition of Bridge Over Troubled Waters, BAM - we’ll touchdown him! Yes! The teenage girls will lap it up!”

Am I just in a bad mood generally? Was the show quite brilliant and my tired self missed the entire vibe? Let me know. Restore my faith in the show. I’d also love to discover whether I’m the only one suffering from Idol burn out.

Posted by Jess at 9:55 AM link | comment | email

Mark Holden Talks Idol

MarkBada boom ba to the max times a schizzly biddy bear! What a fandango of a night! Many of you guadelopey pine nutters out there would know that I ain’t been feeling young Hayley’s mojo galactica for a while now. For some fellatio McHappy Meal reason, Dicky-Dick-Dick-Dickson and Mar-sha-la-la Hinesypoo have been ooophing the power of the Hailstorm hootenany, but me? Shooby, dudettes.

So imagine how scrumdiddilyumptious I felt when the votitos resulted in Hayley’s Comet shooting out of our atmosphere and bang doobeywacker seven to the universe of Never Never Land. Shizzle!

Casey, Casey, Casey…

…

…

What can I say?

…

…

…

No, seriously, what can I say?

…

Umm…

…

She got the flow to the mojo risin’ of love, and I am so relieving the Mint Slicey goodness of her sticking to her guns and rising to the cream of the Clapton.

My man Courtney… bang bang! My baby shot me down! Eat a donut, add the three and power it to the maximum capacity of ordinary and you got a NASA equivelent of rock to the loo my darlin’! Fantastic.

On the money train, heading to Idol central is Choo Choo Calea, tooting and cruising along at momentous speed in a whirlwind of wah wah nee. He’s gonna sell records, man! Sell them like hotcakes of love on a cold day in Vladivostok for a cheap price, dude, and a free IPod - love is in the house, for midgety bum-knuckles and musical fistings with extra lube. Can’t wait to release the talulah belle album we laid down like cable in the deep seas of the studio before Idol - I knew flowing the loco washing machine in Cold Power would make me a minty fresh tea!

So dawgs, that’s all of the ding dally douche duck I can tell you on the straight low down curve ball. Wanksta franksta, Sinatra-fueled big band bam and what have you got?

TOUCHDOWN!

Love and carnations,

Mark Holden xxx

Wow, everybody - let’s give it up to Mark Holden for displaying the same amount of marvellous insight he shows each week on Australian Idol. We’re truly honoured. And incredibly confused.

Posted by Jess at 10:21 PM link | comment | email

Big Band Night | Gadge’s Sunday Night Recap

The obligatory first: Chanel, you should’ve been there.

We miss you, Chanel!Anyway, on to the actuality. I went in to tonight thinking Courtney would be the one to go on Monday, but now I’m all uncertain and left wondering what the hell will happen. My thoughts on the final two are that it should involve as little Anthony and Courtney as possible, but at the rate it seems to be going another unfortunate all-male pairing might be exactly what we get.

Anyway, Anthony has now obviously equated ‘manly’, as per Dicko, with ‘the low notes in my register’. ‘Fever’ was a valiant effort marred by it being a total chick song, and therefore both cementing the gay rumours until the guy dies or comes out, and not quite working well with his performance style. His second song was Anthony Standard - competent, only very occasionally over-flourished, and as dull as the Italian Shetland himself. Plus, dude, you’re trying to be edgy, and can’t do proper suit-and-tie even once? Sod off.

Casey’s first performance was excellent, and she looked amazing. I’d go so far as to say that if she’d performed it second, she’d have received a touchdown - that oh-so-valuable accolade from Mark that really, if you think about it, is a steaming pile of crap. And yet. With her first song, I sat back, satified in the knowledge that she’d make the final two, as I want her to. And then she really didn’t do as much singing as shouting on the second song, and screwed up really noticeably and didn’t make it work nearly as well as she could have. And it’s true - her inarticulate responses can’t be endearing and remind us of our own youth forever, and will start to annoy one and all if she can’t occasionally be a lot more lucid. Still, I’ve decided that I want her to win. She just needs more consistency.

Hayley will never, ever get a touchdown, which I’m sure makes her sad. She’s also likely to never connect with the song or the audience as much as Casey can. Yet she’s still a strong singer, and her first choice to sing was bleeding obvious and yet got by on, ‘well, it has a special meaning for her’, so I didn’t mind it quite so much.

Like Anthony, Hayley is rarely less than competent. She also comes across as too artificial at times. And yet, doggone it, I like her. She would make a good idol, and I hate the song ‘Nature Boy’ and yet I liked her rendition of it. I still don’t think she’ll make the finals, but I would like to see her for one more week.

But then Courtney came along. Now, I wanted him to fail. He’s a little too, ‘Oh, I’m the maestro who is the only one who knows anything about music.’ Which would reflect much more badly on him if it weren’t occasionally true, especially considering the final four. I mean, do you think Anthony truly knew who that funny trumpet-player was before they went to visit him and he was coached to pay his respects?

Anyway, Courtney sang his first song without any of the rasp that typifies his pub-workmanlike performances of the past, and actually managed to not sound like he was trying to be heard over a rabble of drunken Perthians. He even sang most of his second song in the same fashion, and managed to not come off like a preening prig.

So now, I just don’t know. Courtney, more than the others, has a sizeable population fan-base - apparently there’s even a Perth radio station that will match all votes for Courtney on a two-for-one basis, artificially inflating his numbers. Casey and Hayley have been in the bottom three several times each, meaning they’re nearly always on the border of going, though I would imagine if any of Chanel’s fans carry over, it’s to the other women that they’d go. And Anthony has such a firm lock on any woman who would scream like a banshee at the concert of a man who would never be interested in her sexually that I doubt he won’t make the final two, even as his one fantastic performance becomes as but a distant memory.

So I reckon one of the judges is going to have to solve this mystery. Marcia had her go last time; who’s up next in the ausculture.com spinning wheel of secret judging access?

- Gadge

Posted by Jess at 6:56 AM link | comment | email

Marcia Hines Talks Idol

I be one hard mutha (of Deni)Hello, sister-girlfriends! This is Marcia Hines, Queen Of Pop, streetwise mama and Australian Idol judge - wha’s crackulatin’? ausculture.com has given me a virtual crib to lay down the 411 for y’all so get diggity and we gonna learn a little sumpin’ sumpin’!

Last night was so fly - Chanel Cole left, and I ain’t never been more happy. That ho was all up in my bizness, all the time. Each week I was all “Yo, Chanel! I wanna bust yo grill, girlfriend!” and she was all “Whatever, Marcia” and it was totally wack. I nearly busted a cap in her booty around week three but Ian and Mark (my homies) were all “Marcia, the girl is fly! Please don’t put the smack down!” But you all know I would, yo. I was so sick of the way Mark and Ian wanted to R Kelley her raggedy ass. I was so happy she left last night, I couldn’t stop dancin’. She always be perpetratin’. I just couldn’t help but be all salty with Chanel. She be all “I’m different, I’m special, I’m unique!” and I be all “Girl, why you be sellin’ wolf tickets now, yo? You be jawsin!” I ain’t usually the kind of squirrel who be whoobangin’ fellow bitches, but Chanel was a total wanksta.

Anyway, enough ‘bout Chanel. There be other contestants that be totally wylin’!

I’ll start with Anthony Calea - I would love him to be my baby-daddy. That means “boyfriend” to all you un-street peeps out there. He is off the heezy fo’ sheezy! I just don’t know why he don’t have a hoochie mama of his very own. I would have though he’d be a total ho-monga, but he just wanna sit back and chill with all his homeboys. He’s so fly. I wanna be mackin’ on him even I know he be Danny DeVito-sized. What can I say, young boys be my kryptonite.

Now my man Courtney Murphy, he be a total phatty. I could sit back and give my man Courtney shout out after shout out, he be totally schizzle. Last few weeks, Ian and Mark are all “Playa, you slow steppin’!” but I’m all “Don’t you be talkin’ smak about my dude, he poppins!” Courtney loves it when I be parlayin wit him. He know my career be the shizzy, I can go all Zen on his ass.

Hayley, I just love, yo. She be gettin’ her swerve on, fo’ shizzle my nizzle. She a total cracker but I cool wit dat - and she be turnin’ real bootylicious! Mark is all “Yo, Hayley be da weaksauce!” but my man Ian just says “Holden, why you be puttin’ her on blast? You think you a pimp-daddy but you a poodle yo.” I laughed, cos Mark’s career be SO jankity.

Finally, Casey - what can I be sayin’ bout Casey?! Casey be gettin’ the hook up from Idol, fo sho. She be so good singin, I’m all “That’s tha butta, girlfriend!” Some people prefer to talk about her badunkadunk but they be foolin’ themselves if they be thinkin’ sister ain’t got the goods, yo. Don’t be sayin’ nothin to no one, but I be thinkin Casey likes the chronic a little too much, if you be gettin’ my flow. Sixties week she be all tore up. True dat.

So that be my first streetwise summary of Idol, yo - don’t you be thievin’ it, Sydney Confidential! Time for me to bounce and maybe light some trees, but I be back sumtime. Peace out!

I got nothin’ more to say to you.

Marcia xxx

Thank you, Marcia Hines. For readers with out a ghetto dictionary handy, Marcia hates Chanel but sickeningly adores everyone else. And she’s VERY ghetto, thank you very much.

Posted by Jess at 5:05 PM link | comment | email

“Go Go Chanel”, Says I-Dull | Special Guest Commentary

Ladies and gents, please welcome a complete new comer to Idol commentary, the exotically named Nova Scotia. Variety, eh? It’s the spice of life!

“GO GO CHANEL”, SAYS I-DULL
Or “How Idol lost its fragrance and became a stinker”

Drinks were on Marcia last night as Chanel Number Five was pulled from the shelves.

But neither you nor I should be worried about Chanel - she’s on to Bega and better things.

What we should be worried about - nay, ashamed of - is Australian Idol.

The show is on the brink. It got a whopping bout of gastro the night Ricki-Lee left and last night spectacularly shat the bed. With no charismatic or interesting performers, a depleted talent pool, the only objectively sensible and valuable judge soon to depart the show and little remaining control of its bowels, Australian Idol is on its last legs.

Why? Because Australia continues to show its propensity to penalise the interesting and reward the boring. Whether you loved her (me), hated her (most women), or wanted her intestines pulled through her arse and used as a lasso (Marcia), Chanel was interesting Not entirely charming, level-headed or particularly skilled at spontaneous humour (see: those moments immediately following her elimination, almost every other time she opened her mouth etc.) but she was interesting Luckily, I have no doubt that Chanel’s truly warped nature is precisely what will make her the most likely to have lasting appeal and the most likely to survive as a pop entity.

Her exchanges with Marcia made the show entertaining, and provided the show’s producers with the only reason to continue employing Marcia. The last ever interaction between the pair was enjoyable to watch, Chanel sauntering up behind the judges’ table to dance provocatively and cause Marcia to schiz and spasm. As she frenetically dusted Chanel’s slut breath from her shoulders, Marcia could hardly contain her excitement. (I expect, with the flurry of endorphins coursing through Marcia’s ecstatic veins, that a certain someone was more than welcome when she got home after the show.)

Now, somehow, we find ourselves with a Top 4 which, while arguably aesthetically representative of Australian culture, is really, all things considered, an unexpectedly poor final talent pool and a sick, flatulent cousin to last year’s mob.

Let’s just reflect on the two groups of performers for a moment:

TOP 4 2003

Guy Phenomenal talent, stage presence and musicianship.

Paulini Phenomenal talent and stage presence.

Cosima Phenomenal talent, questionable elocution and grooming.

Shannon Talentless bogan.

TOP 4 2004

Casey Phenomenal talent and stage presence, questionable conversational skills, tendency to parade bed linen on stage, otherwise boring.

Anthony Talent, questionable masculinity, tendency to parade Young Talent Time dance moves on stage, otherwise boring.

Courtney Talent, questionable humility, tendency to look rather high in cholesterol, otherwise boring.

Hayley Talentless bogan

I rest my totally unflimsy case. Some similarities but 2003 clearly shits on this year. And after such a promising start to this series!

When there is no sense left, it is often a valuable exercise to consider what hidden messages lie in the madness. Yes, that’s right: the healing and prophetic power of the anagram.

Courtney Murphy = Hey, Country Rump!

Excellent: things are starting to become clearer.

Chanel Cole = Cancel Hole

Clearer still!

Anthony Callea = Ache not anally

Spooky! But probably a futile wish.

Casey Donovan = Ova any second

No doubt biologically true, but untrue in the Kath & Kim sense, ‘cos it ain’t ova until… um, that’s also apparently untrue. Shall we try again?

Casey Donovan = Soda Can Envoy

Uncanny! OK, it’s a stretch. Humour me.

Hayley Jensen = Jenny Eyelash

There you have it! Even her anagram sounds like a bogan!

While I am not certain that that was an entirely enlightening experience, other than to clarify that which was already painfully obvious, it does serve to underscore one burgeoning reality: as Australian idol draws to a close, we must use any means possible to make sense of this shiteful mess of a Top 4 and guide it towards an adequate conclusion.

If the show must go on, I say no more horsing around: let’s ride Casey to the finish line.

She is the mane contender with the finest pedigree. Sure, I’ve been a neigh-sayer: she’s incredibly boring and, sadly, is going through her Goth phase on national TV. And she has certain conversational shortcomings. Highlights from last night include the Hilary Duff-esque “I was like ‘Uh,’ and they were like ‘Uh,’” and the even more insightful ’ - ‘, which appears to be one of her favourites.

But overall, Casey is now where it must be at.

You know what I’m sayin’?

Now, a moment’s silence.

That is all.

Nova Scotia

Posted by Jess at 4:55 PM link | email

We’re Doing Things A Little Different Round These Parts…

Hello, Idol fans!

I regret to inform you that I am no longer going to recap Idol - at least, certainly not as often. I’m struggling and I worry you must all be thinking less of me after I submit dreadful post after dreadful post in a vain effort to keep you all happy.

On the upside, I have just negotiated an exclusive deal with Marcia, Dicko and Mark - that’s right, they’ll be giving us their feedback after each show and I’ve no doubt it’ll be revealing, sensational and thoroughly relevant.

Stay tuned…

Posted by Jess at 10:38 AM link | email

Farewell, Chanel!

We knew it had to happen, and despite the hopes and dreams of all Chanel lovers, the girl from Bega has been booted from the house Idol. For a second there, I thought Courtney would get the least amount of votes, which would trigger off a tantrum of Daniel Belle proportions but alas, no.

I have to ask though, what WAS with that concession speech? I rather wish she’d come off a little more dignified\less insane, but hey - let’s move on. I do wonder though whether she and Hayley shared a pre-show spliff which could account for both Chanel’s rather odd ramblings and Hayley’s fit of giggles during the group performance of Earth, Wind & Fire. That’d be kinda cool.

Thankfully, Chanel’s post-insane ramblings final performance was far more kick arse than that of Sunday night. She redeemed herself in every way, working the crowd, singing like she was having fun - though seriously Marcia, please don’t try and fool us by doing some friendly hip hop dance moves when Chanel walks by. We all know you hated her. In your ideal world, your “critique” of her Sunday night performance of Blu Cantrell would have gone as follows.

Marcia: Chanel, do you know what that song is about?
Chanel: Puppies? Fondling Dicko and Mark? Baked beans?
Marcia: No, you stupid thick goddamn hippy piece of shit, it’s about anger! ANGER! I fucking hate you, you little slop-tart! WHY DO YOU HAUNT MY DREAMS SO?!

Unfortunately for Marcia, her post-performance discussion with Chanel went more like this…

Marcia: Chanel, do you know what that song is about?
Chanel: Anger.
Marcia: No, it’s about ang… no, it’s ummmm more than anger. It’s about lighter fluid on trousers. Yes. I HAVE NOTHING MORE TO SAY TO YOU!

Cheer up though, Chanel fans. She was never meant to be the Australian Idol. Do we REALLY want Chanel to release Angels Brought Me Here II? I think not. In fact, the entire Idol process was killing her, slowly driving her mad and turning her into a bit (more) of a space cadet. I have no doubt Dicko will sign her, and given room to do her own thang, Chanel will sparkle.

Meanwhile, completely unexpectedly - I find myself drawn to the idea of supporting Hayley. I’ll let you know how it evolves.

Posted by Jess at 9:58 PM link | comment | email

Sunday Night Idol Thoughts - With Gadge McSexpot

I love Gadge, he loves Idol and he writes a good wrap up. My thoughts will come soon but till then, enjoy the following. I think he makes some great points!

Ahh, the rather disappointing R+B/Soul night. Firstly, Marcia Hines is useless. Secondly, Tassie’s own Amali Ward was barely glimpsable in the audience - but I glimpsed her. Go my eagle eyes. Thirdly, the audience featured many gay men - witness the several dancing along to Hayley, and the obvious bear who gave Anthony the Standing O. The gays, they love themselves a bit of Idol, no?

Anyway, first up was Chanel. You know I love Chanel. Chanel knows I love Chanel. Certain appellate courts are also now aware I love Chanel, and would rather I didn’t do so with as much vigor. I thought this song was a perfect choice for her, and waited for it with the anticipation that hearing she was doing ‘Across the Universe’ on Beatles night brought. Damnit. She just didn’t pull it off, and it was weak, and I wondered, “Why you gots to hurt me that way, baby?” Oh, Chanel. To take the mickey is one thing, but I really, really wanted her to hit this one for six, and she missed it.

But it’s a surprisingly hard song to sing, as a friend once found out when I encouraged her to do it for karaoke. All light and fluffy to begin with, and then Blu Cantrell starts positively wailing away during the second half and if you don’t have a strong enough voice, you get completely lost. Chanel tried, and I want her to stick around, but I worry that she just got herself booted from the competition. Which would make me sad. Weakest on the night, though.

Anthony - interesting that he and Hayley were the two most uncomfortable in front of the camera, I thought. And with the idea of showing flesh. Anthony’s very competent but completely dull, and unless his edge becomes anything more than constant artfully-grown stubble and the occasional pandering to his deeper range, he will remain dreadfully dull. Apparently half of Melbourne has a friend who knows Anthony is gay, so coming out could help, or he could just live a few years of a life that involves Rolling Stone, and the Beatles, and occasionally being seen in public with a shirt that doesn’t button all the way up, and maybe he’d get there. What makes it worse is that there is a fantastic musician inside him (pun intended), because he has been transcendent in the past. It’s whether he can do that on more than one song, that’s the question. Oh, and he also ornamented the song in a way I really wish he hadn’t. Stupid R+B ‘flourishes’ - I hate them most of all, scarecrow.

When Marcia, interrupting Mark to make his point for him, said to Anthony, ‘It ain’t over ‘til the fat lady sings,’ I thought, ‘Isn’t she up next?’ - an entirely inappropriate, but it turns out accurate, thing to go through my mind. Casey, I think, is getting to the finals. I didn’t quite reach Mark’s levels of ecstacy, for me, but it was a charmingly controlled performance that also managed to show off her range, and it would take a weak fanbase to not propel her to the end. Her and Anthony are the two with the strongest voices (with Hayley just a little underneath) left in this competition, and I’m beginning to think that it will be a power-showdown between the two for the title.

Courtney is a funny guy, though he still can’t take criticism for shit. He also, like Chanel, ended up choosing a song that was too ambitious for him, and it showed. It was piss-funny when Mark asked him whether he had a cold, though, and he shook his head - what, an Idol not making any claim that they’re sick? That never happens. I think he’s really getting a little too certain of his place in the competition, but that this weak performance is likely to open his eyes, if the results do what they should and finally, finally put him in the bottom three. He’s one of only two who haven’t been there yet, and it’s about bloody time he was given something to be humble about, especially as this, as is usual for him, was a strong pub performance, nothing more.

Finally, Hayley. I actually really liked her doing this, and found myself enjoying it more than Dicko. That I’d enjoy it more than Mark was a given, but it was fun, and she did it well, and though I’m beginning to think our Hayley model hasn’t come with Kung-Fu Grip, as she slooowly gets pulled out of overly shiny comfort zone of Canberran cosiness, I hold out hope that she can fully break out with her very natural musical talent. It’s weird, though, to think she’s only 21, because she does seem much older. But I think it means she has a chance to completely break her own mold, which would be good.

Anyway, we’ve two older, weaker singers, two young, plastic performers, and the youngest, with probably the most natural raw talent of any of them. The girls have my vote, but I’m expecting a Chanel, Courtney, Hayley bottom three, with (though I really hope not) Chanel to go. But if you vote for her, she tells you how attractive you are! Cheap validation never sounded so good…

Gadge.

Posted by Jess at 2:33 PM link | comment | email

Erm, Slight Delay On That Idol Recap…

As you can see, I didn’t end up writing up an Idol recap despite my NUMEROUS promises to do so. On a normal day, I would allow you all to pelt me with stones and hurl abuse at my direction. However, I think I have a reasonable excuse. I spent twenty four hours solid silently praying to the Gods that the right person would leave Monday.

And since Marty is now gone, I think we can all safely

a) give me the appropriate credit

and

b) not hassle me or make up lies about me being distracted or lazy or too focused on the ARIA’s to fulfil my destiny.

That out of the way, allow me to throw out some random thoughts…

  • Chanel was quite good. I adore her. I wish she didn’t piss about with little girl faces before and after each performance but hell, when she’s onstage she’s so good I can forgive her anything. And Sam Brown’s “Stop” is completely luscious. Fop thinks she should perform “Trick Me” by Kelis on Sunday night, and by freakish coincidence, Ms Fits professed a similar opinion over at the Tortured Artist’s Lair earlier in the week. Chanel - Listen To The Voices Of Your Peeps!

  • Hayley is getting very smiley and happy and cheeky and fun, isn’t she? I think she has pent up sexual energy. Good. Channel it, babycakes!

  • Anthony Calea was FUCKING RUBBISH! I really don’t understand why the judges gushed over him. Well, I know why Marcia gushed over him - he has a willy (despite speculation regarding where he’d like to stick it) and Marcia totally wants to bone any male Idol finalists. Don’t question me. Anyway, I don’t comprehend why Anthony singing far too deeply and going overboard with warbling instead of actually displaying some real emotion constitutes genius but clearly I’m in a minority. Whatever. He’ll end up winning it, I can feel it.

  • Casey \ Courtney - I suppose they were good, but I have to tell you, I’m a little over the eighties power ballad. I mean, if they’d sung “Don’t Stop Believing” by Journey, things might have been different. Anyway, I’m gutted no one bothered to perform the classic Aussie tune “Wait” by Gyan. My mum’s vacuuming favourite!

  • Who else was there? Oh yeah, Marty. Heh. I’m sure he’s quite pleasant in the house, but deadset, he pulls the most irritating poses. Thank Christ he’s gone.

Can anyone tell me what happened on last night’s Idol spectacular?

Posted by Jess at 4:16 PM link | comment | email

The Idol Recap Is Coming…

I promise it is. The ARIA Wrap took longer than expected. In the meantime, please enjoy some Ricki-Lee based humour thanks to the lovely Crystal by clicking here.

Quite frankly, I laughed myself stupid at this. Funniest thing I’ve seen in a while.

Posted by Jess at 4:26 PM link | comment | email

Some Pre-Show Thoughts

Firstly, can I just say how excited I am that Chanel is singing “Stop”? It is going to be So Good - Seventh Day Adventist style. On Friday night during the post work drink-fest in The Rocks, a few of us began discussing Idol and we were all agreed that Chanel will - nay, MUST - kick so much arse with this song. For me personally, it will mean I may regain the deep love I felt for her that has briefly waned over the past few weeks of coyness and eyelash fluttering…

Other things discussed over the night with fellow Idol enthusiasts Scott and Sal (in between random Marty impersonations - let’s just say it involves one leg being in front of the other as you hold your arm up in the air and sing up passionately in full-on eighties rock poseur fashion) included

  • Marty is shit and annoying (Jess)
  • Marty is excellent and likable (Scott & Sal)
  • Casey will kick much arse this week (Scott)
  • Casey is terrible and should be booted this week (Sal)
  • Hayley should also go (Sal)
  • Chanel will take “Stop” to a whole new level (Jess, Scott & Sal)
  • Anthony Calea will probably win due to the teenage girl vote (Scott)
  • Anthony Calea will get to the final two due to the teenage girl vote but will suffer from Blairitis* which will prevent him from taking the crown. (Jess)

As you can see, we have a tendency to talk rubbish when drunk.

  • Blairitis - a disease named after the first known sufferer, Blair McDonough from Big Brother I. The sufferer (normally a contestant on a reality show) is propelled to fame and success due to the unwavering fanatical support of teenage girls and their pre-paid mobile plans. Average viewers will allow this to happen through out the series, perpetuating a belief that the sufferer is a “shoe in” to win the competition - until the final episode of the show, when the average viewers will suddenly come out in droves to vote for the first time and unexpectedly knock the Blairitis sufferer out of the competition. See also Noll Syndrome and Condoblin Disease.
Posted by Jess at 12:47 PM link | comment | email

Fisticuffs Galore - Oh, And A Song Or Two!

Well ladies and gentlemen - while on the main blog I may be continuing my flitting between noisy whining and disturbingly upbeat delusional behaviour, life in the Idol world goes on. If Andrew G and James Mathison had come out on stage and declared “Australian Idol 2004 has been cancelled, since it’s blatantly obvious the Australian public can’t be trusted voting for anything. We simply cannot risk Marty Worrall winning the competition. Goodnight.” I probably wouldn’t have been surprised. But they didn’t because as we all know, politics means nothing in the adorably fickle and shallow world of pop and if there’s a God, that’s the way it’ll stay.

The Beatles theme week.

On with the show! This episode opinion piece will consist of random thoughts. Bear with me, at the very least, the random thoughts will occur in chronological order. Is that a paradox? No? Yes? I knew I should never have slept through Year Twelve English. Stupid comfy pencil-case-on-desk-mattress. By the way, I was at the pub last night but taped Idol and watched it in the wee hours of the night out of dedication. This means I saw the performances, saw most of the judges reactions, but fast forwarded through excessive Beatles history lessons and old folk nattering on about how they knew the gang back in the day. Hope I didn’t miss anything interesting! Below are my hastily scribbled notes. Some in past tense, some in present tense - please do not judge me, English is not my first language. Really.

  • Andrew G looks ADORABLE when running dressed as a Beatle. When he stops running, I lose my attraction. Odd. Obviously the only way for Andrew G and I to fulfil our destiny as lurvers is for me to purchase a treadmill and handcuff him to it. Andrew, understand I’m only doing it because I know what’s best for us - not because I’m psycho. Please don’t be frightened. Or rent ‘Misery’ anytime soon. xxxx

  • We begin with Chanel arriving on stage to sing “Across The Universe”. A song I like, yes indeed, but I don’t want to make hot sexy love to it so I figure I’m nicely unbiased. I did enjoy Fiona Apple’s version of it though. I must admit that Chanel’s hair bothered me at first, but then I realised I am far too mature to be distracted by trivial things like Princess Leia buns, or random plants. The beginning doesn’t do too much for me - I like her, I really do, but the coy wistful facial expressions are beginning to wear me down. Could my lack of sleep be leading me to feel such sacrilegious emotions?! I liked Chanel’s version of the song but I didn’t love it. Gasp. It just didn’t feel like she was hitting it for some reason. The hard, loud bit at the end grated a little and for the first time I could actually hear the Bjork-aspect. After the song finished, the audience went wild - too wild - and I began to suspect they were anticipating another judge’s backlash towards Chanel. At least sweet little Daniel Belle gave her a standing ovation… in his pants! Boom boom. Champagne comedy here at ausculture.com. Well, it turned out that I have no fucking clue what I’m on about - the judges loved it. They lapped it up! Marcia knows Fiona Apple AND likes Chanel tonight - what alternate world have I jumped into, Sliders style? This could all mean one of two things; either I am totally ‘in the zone’ tonight regarding Idol judging and everyone else in the world is daft, or my post-election depression\lack of sleep has resulted in me only finding Chanel adequate tonight rather than absolute genius. I suspect I might be at fault.

  • What to say about Anthony Calea? He destroyed “I Saw Her Standing There”. It was the musical equivalent of shoving Christina Aguilera (who is high on crack at the time of this metaphor) in a blender with a vibrator jammed down her throat and Boyz 2 Men thrown in the mix for good measure. Disappointingly bubblegum as Dicko said, and a real shame considering how fantastic his performance was last week. Nevermind Anthony, the teen vote will keep you in the competition till at LEAST the final three.

  • Casey, Casey, Casey… An excellent song choice for you, as everyone has said, and an awful overpowering (orchestra wise) rendition of it. For the first time ever, Casey’s voice was drowned out by the music and she looked out of place.

  • Now time for some hilarious “On The Street” banter! Countless Australian’s confessing to the camera that they have “no idea” who The Beatles were\are. Remember that these people vote - and not just for Idol. I guarantee you every single one of those twitching morons muttering stuff about having “never grown up” with The Beatles while drooling on their shoes voted Liberal. Or Family First…. erm, sorry about slipping back into Political Jess Mode. Normal service will now resume.

  • Quote of the night! “Shame that they shot one of them, I reckon!” Too right, crazy old adorable granny!

  • Around this point in the show, I began to question whether Glenn A Baker had been brought onto the show as a guest, or as an on-set tutor. The pre performance clip\informal chat by each Idol contestant came off more like a class report on The Beatles. “This song was written in 1964 and it’s really nice. It’s about wanting to hold someone’s hand, which is really important. In conclusion, while I’ve been living in a cave all my life and managed to avoid ever hearing one of the most influential bands on earth ever despite the fact I’m ‘all about the music’, I would like to let you all know that The Beatles were in fact quite a good band, so it turns out. I thoroughly recommend you give these guys a whirl. Do yourself a favour, Molly style. May I also suggest you keep an ear out for a little known Irish band called U2 - their singer is a little daft but I think they could be the one-hit wonders of the year! Thank you. “

  • And now, Marty. He sings one of my favourite Beatles songs “Oh Darling” (long story) and… and… he manages to pull it off. Sort of. In a Marty way. With idiotic facial expressions galore. Despite my intense fear of him winning this competition, I am forced to give him kudos for his version. Unlike our first two singers, he didn’t bugger it up completely by trying to “Kyle & Jackie O” it. Dicko wins my heart by summing it up brilliantly with a jubilant “He wasn’t rubbish tonight!”

  • Hayley sings classic Beatles tune “Yesterday” and does quite a good job of it. Hayley suits soft, emotive songs - it’s the bigger stuff that just makes her seem awkward and uncomfortable. She won’t be the Australian Idol but that’s okay since she’ll probably carve out a nice career either in the inoffensive soft adult orientated pop scene a la Dido, the inoffensive soft adult orientated jazz\blues scene a la Norah Jones, or the inoffensive soft adult orientated alt-country scene a la heaps of people I can’t think of right now due to sleep deficiency. Those of you with downloading ability - search for a song called “Half An Acre” by a band called Hem. Ever since Hayley’s first audition, I’ve thought this style of song would suit her perfectly. It’s also worth noting how comfortable she seems tonight - bantering with the judges, standing up for herself in an excellent yet still not cocky manner. Hayley has grown immensely through this competition - it’s a pity she’s just not Idol material. This is not necessarily a bad thing for her. The judges comment on her performance, and Mark confesses to “not having the best recording voice” himself. Dicko responds with “Things You Didn’t Need To Say Volume #4055” and I continue sending him love.

  • Courtney did a good if not over-active version of “Got To Get You Into My Life” - the verses were vintage excellent Courtney - but the chorus was exposed as the let down it is in general. God, somewhere out there a Beatles fan is polishing a musket with my name on it, but nevermind - onwards and upwards. Courtney has the voice that Idol management must have hoped Shannon Noll would have last year. I’d say no matter who wins this years Idol, the collective first, second and third place peeps will probably be more vocally talented. Good lord. I really am half asleep now so if I’m just being daft, forgive me. I feel like I might just be rambling incoherently now.

  • Marcia, please inform the public of when you last lived in a ghetto. I need an explanation as to why a woman who has lived and worked in Australia for most of her life feels the continual need to repeat hip hop slang as though she’s straight outta Compton. “Those lines were slammin’”, “You go sister-girlfriend” - please don’t try and be hip. While you mock Mark Holden, half the time you talk the same amount of useless rubbish as he does.

  • Sky Mangel is in the audience! Best! Episode! Ever!

  • Look out, it’s Ricki-Lee “Idol Party Drug!” Coulter and she’s going all Chaka Khan on our arses! As I watch her strut her stuff, there’s no doubt in my mind that she’s the best choice for this year’s Australian Idol winner. She looks beautiful, she’s energetic, she’s likable but not in a vomity way, and she is completely relaxed and comfortable on the stage. Sure, there was a moment of weakness when she forgot a lyric towards the end but all in all, I concluded that hers was my favourite performance of the night. Bring on judges’ adoration! IDOL! IDOL! IDOL! Except it would appear I have the wrong end of the stick. Dicko assures me it was horrendous. Were we watching the same show? Should I put this one down to sleep deprivation too?

  • The best part about Ricki-Lee’s performance was that it led to Ultimate Biff Of Idol 2004 - hurrah! Dicko puts Marcia in her place by refusing to let her talk over him, she’s getting upset and edging closer and closer to pulling out a “You ain’t all that and a bag of chips!”, relevance and job worth are questioned - you can’t ask for more! Well, you could ask for Daniel Belle to be involved, but you can’t win them all.

So there you have it, My incoherent daft Idol wrap for last night. Oh darling. Please forgive me.

Posted by Jess at 3:26 PM link | comment | email