Casey Phenomenal talent and stage presence, questionable conversational skills, tendency to parade bed linen on stage, otherwise boring.

Anthony Talent, questionable masculinity, tendency to parade Young Talent Time dance moves on stage, otherwise boring.

Courtney Talent, questionable humility, tendency to look rather high in cholesterol, otherwise boring.

Hayley Talentless bogan

I rest my totally unflimsy case. Some similarities but 2003 clearly shits on this year. And after such a promising start to this series!

When there is no sense left, it is often a valuable exercise to consider what hidden messages lie in the madness. Yes, that’s right: the healing and prophetic power of the anagram.

Courtney Murphy = Hey, Country Rump!

Excellent: things are starting to become clearer.

Chanel Cole = Cancel Hole

Clearer still!

Anthony Callea = Ache not anally

Spooky! But probably a futile wish.

Casey Donovan = Ova any second

No doubt biologically true, but untrue in the Kath & Kim sense, ‘cos it ain’t ova until… um, that’s also apparently untrue. Shall we try again?

Casey Donovan = Soda Can Envoy

Uncanny! OK, it’s a stretch. Humour me.

Hayley Jensen = Jenny Eyelash

There you have it! Even her anagram sounds like a bogan!

While I am not certain that that was an entirely enlightening experience, other than to clarify that which was already painfully obvious, it does serve to underscore one burgeoning reality: as Australian idol draws to a close, we must use any means possible to make sense of this shiteful mess of a Top 4 and guide it towards an adequate conclusion.

If the show must go on, I say no more horsing around: let’s ride Casey to the finish line.

She is the mane contender with the finest pedigree. Sure, I’ve been a neigh-sayer: she’s incredibly boring and, sadly, is going through her Goth phase on national TV. And she has certain conversational shortcomings. Highlights from last night include the Hilary Duff-esque “I was like ‘Uh,’ and they were like ‘Uh,’” and the even more insightful ’ - ‘, which appears to be one of her favourites.

But overall, Casey is now where it must be at.

You know what I’m sayin’?

Now, a moment’s silence.

That is all.

Nova Scotia

We’re Doing Things A Little Different Round These Parts…

Hello, Idol fans!

I regret to inform you that I am no longer going to recap Idol - at least, certainly not as often. I’m struggling and I worry you must all be thinking less of me after I submit dreadful post after dreadful post in a vain effort to keep you all happy.

On the upside, I have just negotiated an exclusive deal with Marcia, Dicko and Mark - that’s right, they’ll be giving us their feedback after each show and I’ve no doubt it’ll be revealing, sensational and thoroughly relevant.

Stay tuned…

October 25, 2004

Farewell, Chanel!

We knew it had to happen, and despite the hopes and dreams of all Chanel lovers, the girl from Bega has been booted from the house Idol. For a second there, I thought Courtney would get the least amount of votes, which would trigger off a tantrum of Daniel Belle proportions but alas, no.

I have to ask though, what WAS with that concession speech? I rather wish she’d come off a little more dignified\less insane, but hey - let’s move on. I do wonder though whether she and Hayley shared a pre-show spliff which could account for both Chanel’s rather odd ramblings and Hayley’s fit of giggles during the group performance of Earth, Wind & Fire. That’d be kinda cool.

Thankfully, Chanel’s post-insane ramblings final performance was far more kick arse than that of Sunday night. She redeemed herself in every way, working the crowd, singing like she was having fun - though seriously Marcia, please don’t try and fool us by doing some friendly hip hop dance moves when Chanel walks by. We all know you hated her. In your ideal world, your “critique” of her Sunday night performance of Blu Cantrell would have gone as follows.

Marcia: Chanel, do you know what that song is about?
Chanel: Puppies? Fondling Dicko and Mark? Baked beans?
Marcia: No, you stupid thick goddamn hippy piece of shit, it’s about anger! ANGER! I fucking hate you, you little slop-tart! WHY DO YOU HAUNT MY DREAMS SO?!

Unfortunately for Marcia, her post-performance discussion with Chanel went more like this…

Marcia: Chanel, do you know what that song is about?
Chanel: Anger.
Marcia: No, it’s about ang… no, it’s ummmm more than anger. It’s about lighter fluid on trousers. Yes. I HAVE NOTHING MORE TO SAY TO YOU!

Cheer up though, Chanel fans. She was never meant to be the Australian Idol. Do we REALLY want Chanel to release Angels Brought Me Here II? I think not. In fact, the entire Idol process was killing her, slowly driving her mad and turning her into a bit (more) of a space cadet. I have no doubt Dicko will sign her, and given room to do her own thang, Chanel will sparkle.

Meanwhile, completely unexpectedly - I find myself drawn to the idea of supporting Hayley. I’ll let you know how it evolves.

Sunday Night Idol Thoughts - With Gadge McSexpot

I love Gadge, he loves Idol and he writes a good wrap up. My thoughts will come soon but till then, enjoy the following. I think he makes some great points!

Ahh, the rather disappointing R+B/Soul night. Firstly, Marcia Hines is useless. Secondly, Tassie’s own Amali Ward was barely glimpsable in the audience - but I glimpsed her. Go my eagle eyes. Thirdly, the audience featured many gay men - witness the several dancing along to Hayley, and the obvious bear who gave Anthony the Standing O. The gays, they love themselves a bit of Idol, no?

Anyway, first up was Chanel. You know I love Chanel. Chanel knows I love Chanel. Certain appellate courts are also now aware I love Chanel, and would rather I didn’t do so with as much vigor. I thought this song was a perfect choice for her, and waited for it with the anticipation that hearing she was doing ‘Across the Universe’ on Beatles night brought. Damnit. She just didn’t pull it off, and it was weak, and I wondered, “Why you gots to hurt me that way, baby?” Oh, Chanel. To take the mickey is one thing, but I really, really wanted her to hit this one for six, and she missed it.

But it’s a surprisingly hard song to sing, as a friend once found out when I encouraged her to do it for karaoke. All light and fluffy to begin with, and then Blu Cantrell starts positively wailing away during the second half and if you don’t have a strong enough voice, you get completely lost. Chanel tried, and I want her to stick around, but I worry that she just got herself booted from the competition. Which would make me sad. Weakest on the night, though.

Anthony - interesting that he and Hayley were the two most uncomfortable in front of the camera, I thought. And with the idea of showing flesh. Anthony’s very competent but completely dull, and unless his edge becomes anything more than constant artfully-grown stubble and the occasional pandering to his deeper range, he will remain dreadfully dull. Apparently half of Melbourne has a friend who knows Anthony is gay, so coming out could help, or he could just live a few years of a life that involves Rolling Stone, and the Beatles, and occasionally being seen in public with a shirt that doesn’t button all the way up, and maybe he’d get there. What makes it worse is that there is a fantastic musician inside him (pun intended), because he has been transcendent in the past. It’s whether he can do that on more than one song, that’s the question. Oh, and he also ornamented the song in a way I really wish he hadn’t. Stupid R+B ‘flourishes’ - I hate them most of all, scarecrow.

When Marcia, interrupting Mark to make his point for him, said to Anthony, ‘It ain’t over ‘til the fat lady sings,’ I thought, ‘Isn’t she up next?’ - an entirely inappropriate, but it turns out accurate, thing to go through my mind. Casey, I think, is getting to the finals. I didn’t quite reach Mark’s levels of ecstacy, for me, but it was a charmingly controlled performance that also managed to show off her range, and it would take a weak fanbase to not propel her to the end. Her and Anthony are the two with the strongest voices (with Hayley just a little underneath) left in this competition, and I’m beginning to think that it will be a power-showdown between the two for the title.

Courtney is a funny guy, though he still can’t take criticism for shit. He also, like Chanel, ended up choosing a song that was too ambitious for him, and it showed. It was piss-funny when Mark asked him whether he had a cold, though, and he shook his head - what, an Idol not making any claim that they’re sick? That never happens. I think he’s really getting a little too certain of his place in the competition, but that this weak performance is likely to open his eyes, if the results do what they should and finally, finally put him in the bottom three. He’s one of only two who haven’t been there yet, and it’s about bloody time he was given something to be humble about, especially as this, as is usual for him, was a strong pub performance, nothing more.

Finally, Hayley. I actually really liked her doing this, and found myself enjoying it more than Dicko. That I’d enjoy it more than Mark was a given, but it was fun, and she did it well, and though I’m beginning to think our Hayley model hasn’t come with Kung-Fu Grip, as she slooowly gets pulled out of overly shiny comfort zone of Canberran cosiness, I hold out hope that she can fully break out with her very natural musical talent. It’s weird, though, to think she’s only 21, because she does seem much older. But I think it means she has a chance to completely break her own mold, which would be good.

Anyway, we’ve two older, weaker singers, two young, plastic performers, and the youngest, with probably the most natural raw talent of any of them. The girls have my vote, but I’m expecting a Chanel, Courtney, Hayley bottom three, with (though I really hope not) Chanel to go. But if you vote for her, she tells you how attractive you are! Cheap validation never sounded so good…

Gadge.

October 20, 2004

Erm, Slight Delay On That Idol Recap…

As you can see, I didn’t end up writing up an Idol recap despite my NUMEROUS promises to do so. On a normal day, I would allow you all to pelt me with stones and hurl abuse at my direction. However, I think I have a reasonable excuse. I spent twenty four hours solid silently praying to the Gods that the right person would leave Monday.

And since Marty is now gone, I think we can all safely

a) give me the appropriate credit

and

b) not hassle me or make up lies about me being distracted or lazy or too focused on the ARIA’s to fulfil my destiny.

That out of the way, allow me to throw out some random thoughts…

• Chanel was quite good. I adore her. I wish she didn’t piss about with little girl faces before and after each performance but hell, when she’s onstage she’s so good I can forgive her anything. And Sam Brown’s “Stop” is completely luscious. Fop thinks she should perform “Trick Me” by Kelis on Sunday night, and by freakish coincidence, Ms Fits professed a similar opinion over at the Tortured Artist’s Lair earlier in the week. Chanel - Listen To The Voices Of Your Peeps!

• Hayley is getting very smiley and happy and cheeky and fun, isn’t she? I think she has pent up sexual energy. Good. Channel it, babycakes!

• Anthony Calea was FUCKING RUBBISH! I really don’t understand why the judges gushed over him. Well, I know why Marcia gushed over him - he has a willy (despite speculation regarding where he’d like to stick it) and Marcia totally wants to bone any male Idol finalists. Don’t question me. Anyway, I don’t comprehend why Anthony singing far too deeply and going overboard with warbling instead of actually displaying some real emotion constitutes genius but clearly I’m in a minority. Whatever. He’ll end up winning it, I can feel it.

• Casey \ Courtney - I suppose they were good, but I have to tell you, I’m a little over the eighties power ballad. I mean, if they’d sung “Don’t Stop Believing” by Journey, things might have been different. Anyway, I’m gutted no one bothered to perform the classic Aussie tune “Wait” by Gyan. My mum’s vacuuming favourite!

• Who else was there? Oh yeah, Marty. Heh. I’m sure he’s quite pleasant in the house, but deadset, he pulls the most irritating poses. Thank Christ he’s gone.

Can anyone tell me what happened on last night’s Idol spectacular?

October 18, 2004

The Idol Recap Is Coming…

I promise it is. The ARIA Wrap took longer than expected. In the meantime, please enjoy some Ricki-Lee based humour thanks to the lovely Crystal by clicking here.

Quite frankly, I laughed myself stupid at this. Funniest thing I’ve seen in a while.

October 17, 2004

Some Pre-Show Thoughts

Firstly, can I just say how excited I am that Chanel is singing “Stop”? It is going to be So Good - Seventh Day Adventist style. On Friday night during the post work drink-fest in The Rocks, a few of us began discussing Idol and we were all agreed that Chanel will - nay, MUST - kick so much arse with this song. For me personally, it will mean I may regain the deep love I felt for her that has briefly waned over the past few weeks of coyness and eyelash fluttering…

Other things discussed over the night with fellow Idol enthusiasts Scott and Sal (in between random Marty impersonations - let’s just say it involves one leg being in front of the other as you hold your arm up in the air and sing up passionately in full-on eighties rock poseur fashion) included

• Marty is shit and annoying (Jess)
• Marty is excellent and likable (Scott & Sal)
• Casey will kick much arse this week (Scott)
• Casey is terrible and should be booted this week (Sal)
• Hayley should also go (Sal)
• Chanel will take “Stop” to a whole new level (Jess, Scott & Sal)
• Anthony Calea will probably win due to the teenage girl vote (Scott)
• Anthony Calea will get to the final two due to the teenage girl vote but will suffer from Blairitis* which will prevent him from taking the crown. (Jess)

As you can see, we have a tendency to talk rubbish when drunk.

• Blairitis - a disease named after the first known sufferer, Blair McDonough from Big Brother I. The sufferer (normally a contestant on a reality show) is propelled to fame and success due to the unwavering fanatical support of teenage girls and their pre-paid mobile plans. Average viewers will allow this to happen through out the series, perpetuating a belief that the sufferer is a “shoe in” to win the competition - until the final episode of the show, when the average viewers will suddenly come out in droves to vote for the first time and unexpectedly knock the Blairitis sufferer out of the competition. See also Noll Syndrome and Condoblin Disease.

October 11, 2004

Fisticuffs Galore - Oh, And A Song Or Two!

Well ladies and gentlemen - while on the main blog I may be continuing my flitting between noisy whining and disturbingly upbeat delusional behaviour, life in the Idol world goes on. If Andrew G and James Mathison had come out on stage and declared “Australian Idol 2004 has been cancelled, since it’s blatantly obvious the Australian public can’t be trusted voting for anything. We simply cannot risk Marty Worrall winning the competition. Goodnight.” I probably wouldn’t have been surprised. But they didn’t because as we all know, politics means nothing in the adorably fickle and shallow world of pop and if there’s a God, that’s the way it’ll stay.

On with the show! This episode opinion piece will consist of random thoughts. Bear with me, at the very least, the random thoughts will occur in chronological order. Is that a paradox? No? Yes? I knew I should never have slept through Year Twelve English. Stupid comfy pencil-case-on-desk-mattress. By the way, I was at the pub last night but taped Idol and watched it in the wee hours of the night out of dedication. This means I saw the performances, saw most of the judges reactions, but fast forwarded through excessive Beatles history lessons and old folk nattering on about how they knew the gang back in the day. Hope I didn’t miss anything interesting! Below are my hastily scribbled notes. Some in past tense, some in present tense - please do not judge me, English is not my first language. Really.

• Andrew G looks ADORABLE when running dressed as a Beatle. When he stops running, I lose my attraction. Odd. Obviously the only way for Andrew G and I to fulfil our destiny as lurvers is for me to purchase a treadmill and handcuff him to it. Andrew, understand I’m only doing it because I know what’s best for us - not because I’m psycho. Please don’t be frightened. Or rent ‘Misery’ anytime soon. xxxx

• We begin with Chanel arriving on stage to sing “Across The Universe”. A song I like, yes indeed, but I don’t want to make hot sexy love to it so I figure I’m nicely unbiased. I did enjoy Fiona Apple’s version of it though. I must admit that Chanel’s hair bothered me at first, but then I realised I am far too mature to be distracted by trivial things like Princess Leia buns, or random plants. The beginning doesn’t do too much for me - I like her, I really do, but the coy wistful facial expressions are beginning to wear me down. Could my lack of sleep be leading me to feel such sacrilegious emotions?! I liked Chanel’s version of the song but I didn’t love it. Gasp. It just didn’t feel like she was hitting it for some reason. The hard, loud bit at the end grated a little and for the first time I could actually hear the Bjork-aspect. After the song finished, the audience went wild - too wild - and I began to suspect they were anticipating another judge’s backlash towards Chanel. At least sweet little Daniel Belle gave her a standing ovation… in his pants! Boom boom. Champagne comedy here at ausculture.com. Well, it turned out that I have no fucking clue what I’m on about - the judges loved it. They lapped it up! Marcia knows Fiona Apple AND likes Chanel tonight - what alternate world have I jumped into, Sliders style? This could all mean one of two things; either I am totally ‘in the zone’ tonight regarding Idol judging and everyone else in the world is daft, or my post-election depression\lack of sleep has resulted in me only finding Chanel adequate tonight rather than absolute genius. I suspect I might be at fault.

• What to say about Anthony Calea? He destroyed “I Saw Her Standing There”. It was the musical equivalent of shoving Christina Aguilera (who is high on crack at the time of this metaphor) in a blender with a vibrator jammed down her throat and Boyz 2 Men thrown in the mix for good measure. Disappointingly bubblegum as Dicko said, and a real shame considering how fantastic his performance was last week. Nevermind Anthony, the teen vote will keep you in the competition till at LEAST the final three.

• Casey, Casey, Casey… An excellent song choice for you, as everyone has said, and an awful overpowering (orchestra wise) rendition of it. For the first time ever, Casey’s voice was drowned out by the music and she looked out of place.

• Now time for some hilarious “On The Street” banter! Countless Australian’s confessing to the camera that they have “no idea” who The Beatles were\are. Remember that these people vote - and not just for Idol. I guarantee you every single one of those twitching morons muttering stuff about having “never grown up” with The Beatles while drooling on their shoes voted Liberal. Or Family First…. erm, sorry about slipping back into Political Jess Mode. Normal service will now resume.

• Quote of the night! “Shame that they shot one of them, I reckon!” Too right, crazy old adorable granny!

• Around this point in the show, I began to question whether Glenn A Baker had been brought onto the show as a guest, or as an on-set tutor. The pre performance clip\informal chat by each Idol contestant came off more like a class report on The Beatles. “This song was written in 1964 and it’s really nice. It’s about wanting to hold someone’s hand, which is really important. In conclusion, while I’ve been living in a cave all my life and managed to avoid ever hearing one of the most influential bands on earth ever despite the fact I’m ‘all about the music’, I would like to let you all know that The Beatles were in fact quite a good band, so it turns out. I thoroughly recommend you give these guys a whirl. Do yourself a favour, Molly style. May I also suggest you keep an ear out for a little known Irish band called U2 - their singer is a little daft but I think they could be the one-hit wonders of the year! Thank you. “

• And now, Marty. He sings one of my favourite Beatles songs “Oh Darling” (long story) and… and… he manages to pull it off. Sort of. In a Marty way. With idiotic facial expressions galore. Despite my intense fear of him winning this competition, I am forced to give him kudos for his version. Unlike our first two singers, he didn’t bugger it up completely by trying to “Kyle & Jackie O” it. Dicko wins my heart by summing it up brilliantly with a jubilant “He wasn’t rubbish tonight!”

• Hayley sings classic Beatles tune “Yesterday” and does quite a good job of it. Hayley suits soft, emotive songs - it’s the bigger stuff that just makes her seem awkward and uncomfortable. She won’t be the Australian Idol but that’s okay since she’ll probably carve out a nice career either in the inoffensive soft adult orientated pop scene a la Dido, the inoffensive soft adult orientated jazz\blues scene a la Norah Jones, or the inoffensive soft adult orientated alt-country scene a la heaps of people I can’t think of right now due to sleep deficiency. Those of you with downloading ability - search for a song called “Half An Acre” by a band called Hem. Ever since Hayley’s first audition, I’ve thought this style of song would suit her perfectly. It’s also worth noting how comfortable she seems tonight - bantering with the judges, standing up for herself in an excellent yet still not cocky manner. Hayley has grown immensely through this competition - it’s a pity she’s just not Idol material. This is not necessarily a bad thing for her. The judges comment on her performance, and Mark confesses to “not having the best recording voice” himself. Dicko responds with “Things You Didn’t Need To Say Volume #4055” and I continue sending him love.

• Courtney did a good if not over-active version of “Got To Get You Into My Life” - the verses were vintage excellent Courtney - but the chorus was exposed as the let down it is in general. God, somewhere out there a Beatles fan is polishing a musket with my name on it, but nevermind - onwards and upwards. Courtney has the voice that Idol management must have hoped Shannon Noll would have last year. I’d say no matter who wins this years Idol, the collective first, second and third place peeps will probably be more vocally talented. Good lord. I really am half asleep now so if I’m just being daft, forgive me. I feel like I might just be rambling incoherently now.

• Marcia, please inform the public of when you last lived in a ghetto. I need an explanation as to why a woman who has lived and worked in Australia for most of her life feels the continual need to repeat hip hop slang as though she’s straight outta Compton. “Those lines were slammin’”, “You go sister-girlfriend” - please don’t try and be hip. While you mock Mark Holden, half the time you talk the same amount of useless rubbish as he does.

• Sky Mangel is in the audience! Best! Episode! Ever!

• Look out, it’s Ricki-Lee “Idol Party Drug!” Coulter and she’s going all Chaka Khan on our arses! As I watch her strut her stuff, there’s no doubt in my mind that she’s the best choice for this year’s Australian Idol winner. She looks beautiful, she’s energetic, she’s likable but not in a vomity way, and she is completely relaxed and comfortable on the stage. Sure, there was a moment of weakness when she forgot a lyric towards the end but all in all, I concluded that hers was my favourite performance of the night. Bring on judges’ adoration! IDOL! IDOL! IDOL! Except it would appear I have the wrong end of the stick. Dicko assures me it was horrendous. Were we watching the same show? Should I put this one down to sleep deprivation too?

• The best part about Ricki-Lee’s performance was that it led to Ultimate Biff Of Idol 2004 - hurrah! Dicko puts Marcia in her place by refusing to let her talk over him, she’s getting upset and edging closer and closer to pulling out a “You ain’t all that and a bag of chips!”, relevance and job worth are questioned - you can’t ask for more! Well, you could ask for Daniel Belle to be involved, but you can’t win them all.

So there you have it, My incoherent daft Idol wrap for last night. Oh darling. Please forgive me.

October 5, 2004

Idol’s Choice Wrap by Gadge

As I was away and unable to hurriedly write down thoughts about Sunday night’s Idol program, the wonderful Gadge did it instead. Unfortunately I wasn’t able to access my email until this afternoon so it’s a little delayed - never mind! Enjoy Sunday night’s Idol wrap just a few days late - it’s delightful nonetheless.

Ricki-Lee - She’s not really done the ‘stand still and belt’ yet, and this was her demonstrating that can. Her performance of ‘I Have Nothink’ (at least, that’s how James said it - he really needs to iron out that particular annoying Aussieism) showed that’s she’s not just about the bopping, but can be a champion even without it. She was, at the start of the show, my pick to win it, and I think she’s definitely finals material.

Marty - I want Marty to sing Snow’s ‘Informer’, or scat, or indeed anything where the lyrics are unintelligible, because he enunciates everything so clearly that every word would be discernable. He’d be a great person to have for a karaoke party for that reason. His performances, though, have just gotten neater and neater, no matter his song choice. This was no exception, as Dicko and Mark pointed out - a song that required some abandon, some flair, some real rock vibe just carried the emotional heft of a Year 11 Poem set to music. I think he’s going this week.

Hayley - I was all proud of myself for noticing that, for Hayley, nothing except the voice comes naturally; everything else is really hard work. The Inside Idol show on Thursday really drove that home by showing how all her moves for Disco Night were very carefully choreographed beforehand. Mark and Dicko noticed the same thing, though, meaning my observation was right, but hardly my own. She is really trying, though, and she does have a strong voice, something the competition is emphasising, and for her more than anyone else I think her choice of song was a further challenge. One she met vocally, but not with the same emotional intesity as Casey brought to her George song. Still, I really liked that she performed it, and admire her efforts to continually strive for the greater and greater effort.

Daniel - I really like ‘Your Song’ - there’s something about the casual lyrics that makes the sentiment really resonate, for me. And Daniel got some of the power in there - but most of his work was done by the orchestra. Here and there I could here Opera Daniel come in, and a few times I noticed him moving into a note he’d tried to hit head-on, meaning that Mark was, once more, voicing some of my view. I’m just going to accept it now, that Mark has regained the sense he lost last year, and Marcia has decided to take the role of ‘crap judge’, and take it to heart. Daniel has a powerful voice that isn’t as accurate as it needs to be, and it’s beginning to show. We need another bottom three person, possibly two, and I think one might be him.

Chanel - They’re really setting Chanel up as the diva; where Casey is portrayed as, ‘Oh, she knows what she likes,’ Chanel was portrayed as, ‘She doesn’t take suggestions well.’ When the opening spiel had the, ‘Who will fall?’ moment, it was over a picture of Chanel. I’m getting the impression that there’s a movement against her because she knows her own mind so well. To me, however, it’s like if one of my singer friends entered the competition, and I wouldn’t strike her own instincts against her for the world. On Inside Idol, she was dismayed to find out there would be no backing vocals, as the harmonies are an important part of ‘Constant Craving’ - and she’s right, they are. But she countered that by making it this absolutely gorgeous number, and I’m with Dicko on the orchestra coming in almost being a disappointment, as she had the song completely at her mercy. Love her still, and though she probably won’t win, she won’t need to - she’s pretty damned fantastic on her own merits.

But that Marcia - it’s been a couple of weeks since I’ve really noticed that she doesn’t like Chanel, and whoo boy. She can turn even a compliment into a scathing hatred, and it’s such an obvious thing when she loves every single other performer … except one. Perhaps it is the fact that Chanel is clearly not a belter, as she herself admitted. Perhaps, and I think this is more it, it’s because Dicko and Mark love Chanel so unabashedly. Marcia, it seems, is jealous of that, because amongst the by-now-standard not shutting up ever, she also made such a big thing about Chanel being a witch. Marcia and the show aside, I would buy a Chanel album, no questions asked, and will think she’s fabulous even if she were to come into my home and piss on my shoes.

Courtney - Courtney had the same problem as Chanel, a song that really lives on its harmonies but with no backing vocals. Chanel decided to rearrange the song; Courtney made do and turned it into his fairly standard pub song, albeit with a few extra high notes. I think Courtney’s revealed his limitations as a singer by now; a strong performer with a good sense of humour (which they made sure to highlight in his style snippet - the production company loves Courtney) but with a way of turning every song into a B+S Ball number. It’s a big B+S Ball he’s performing for, and you’ll not find much better - but it’s that type of singing nonetheless, and he just hasn’t broken out of it. He’s loved, so I reckon he’s safe for a bit longer, but he’ll have to go eventually.

Casey - Hayley reached the high notes in her George song; Casey owned them, and delivered a performance even better than her semi-final one, where people everywhere sort of went, ‘Oh, now I get it.’ She has a very natural talent, and given a chance to, she can really connect with a powerful song, as she did here. One of the top performances of the night, and I reckon she has to be safe after it. If we have to have touchdowns, and it seems Mark must, then this was one of them.

Anthony - I’ve been hard on this little tacker in the past, as have the judges. I still find him asexual, and a bit pageanty, and because he’s done many a talent competition in the past he’s very calculating in his approach to this one. That being said, he sounded completely different tonight, and in a good way. It was a fantastic performance in a totally different style to anything he’s done before, and I would reckon has guaranteed him a place in the final two. Not only did he sing the hell out of it, but he clearly connected with the song as well; not only did he look near tears at the end of it, but he sold what is undoubtedly a very treacly song (not that I’ve heard it before - Celine Dion? Andrea Bocelli? Bah) in a very genuine fashion. I adore Chanel, and loved Ricki-Lee’s and Casey’s performances, but this was clearly the performance of the evening.

Oh, and it never, ever gets said enough. Shut the hell up, Marcia.

September 28, 2004

The Live Results: Adam’s ‘On The Spot’ Thoughts

Ladies and gentlemen - without any ado whatsoever, allow me to introduce Adam from Quixotic Boards (which is currently offline, but anyways…) He has delightfully responded to my call to arms, and for that I am very much grateful. Disagree with him? Want to lick his inner thigh? Comment below!

• What is with starting the show with the solemn faces as the contestants stand in a straight line? Its soooo…. overtly fake. It’s like baaaad amateur theatre!

• Chanel’s voice was actually not too bad last night. I don’t get the Chanel bashing!! - After watching the recaps - I just have to say - how great are Chanel and Casey! Woo!

• Haha. Rikki Lee looked like a chipmunk last night! No… no really she did! A little red-lipsticked chipmunk!

• Just after the recaps my mum walked in and said “Has that shit one left yet… that… the one who wouldn’t know talent if it hit her over the head… you know… the girl who can’t sing… shit… whats her name… Chanel?”

• My mother isnt allowed in my room anymore. Never again.

• She then watched the judges lip service of Hayley and went “Yeah… wasn’t she good!”. It’s sad to come from a family who are so easily amused by corny dance moves and a shiny red dress!

• God… that video package of Mark just shows how daft he is!!

• I’m quite uninspired by the group songs this time. They suck compared to last years. Too many different/diverse voices. That and the fact that, once again, its like nursing home hour at my local amateur theatre… “Make it as expressive as possible darls, the old lovies are bit hard of hearing so you must be as over the top as possible!”

• Don’t talk to the audience. Don’t. It’s bound to fail… eventually. Or straight away. Unscripted moments… oh dear. And Andrew and James really aren’t trained to deal with audience. Or live television. Or hosting. Or television. Or anything where we have to see or hear them.

• I just had a thought. Does anyone else think that some of the contestant’s performances are taking on a few too many Young Talent Time elements? Not that I was around to watch YTT, but… well… some of these guys performances are quite with the kitsch and camp.

• Jess did you see the Chanel / Daniel Inside Idol snippet? Haha.. those cheeky silly monkeys! Forgive me for ever doubting your wisdom Jess! (worships ground Jess walks on)

• Mantra: “Don’t let Chanel go, don’t let Chanel go, don’t let Chanel go, don’t let Chanel go” …. (after ad break) THANK GOD! I knew Chanel fans wouldn’t fail her!!

• Casey is in the bottom three… being compared with the likes of Marty. My world is being rocked!!

• Hayley is safe. And somewhere in the word a hundred angels lose their wings.

• They do this every week. EVERY WEEK! How come James and Andrew still manage to stumble over their words when doing the results bit? It doesn’t frickin change!

• Casey is saved. Marty and Emelia are the bottom two… hrmmm. Let it be Marty… please!!! Emelia is at least entertaining to watch. Watching Marty is like watching paint dry!

• Did Andrew G give Dicko an evil? Or did I imagine it? Maybe he just had wind.

• Oh blooming heck! We get this close to getting rid of Marty each week, yet he’s still here. WHOEVER YOU ARE.. STOP VOTING FOR HIM! Please! Marty… is… the epitome… of… shite!

• Hmmm. That send off performance of Emelia’s was… well… quite flat! But I can admire her for embracing all her flaws and having a pretty damn good go at the competition! Even if I think she went downhill from the semi’s!

Well… that left me… empty. Why exactly are Hayley and Marty still there? Who votes for these people!? (glares)

And on a more important note: Dicko is the marketing manager of BMG right? Yet has anyone else noticed how he consistently incorrectly guesses what the public wants!? How the hell does he do his job properly? How can someone in marketing, especially music marketing, have so little idea about what the public want and desire!? He should be embarrassed!

Sunday Night Performance Wrap By Gadge

The adorable Gadge has come forth with Idol opinions galore, but bless him to bits - he posted it in the comments rather than emailing it to me! I really should specify stuff, I suppose. Either way, he’s one crazy sexy cool mofo and that’s the way THIS girl likes it. Uh-huh, uh-huh. For those of you naughty enough to miss his insight in the comments, allow me to repost in all it’s glory!

Once Chanel was safe, I knew exactly who the final three would be and who would go, as it was only my love/fear for my still-favourite singer that challenged what few soothsaying abilities I have.

Much like Dan O’Connor singing ‘Creed’, looking like Pauline Hanson and thus disgusting most of Australia spelled the end for Emelia, and really, it was her time to go. Of the other perennial bottom three-ers, Hayley was particularly good on Sunday and Marty finally stopped being a complete and utter crapfest, so with a less-than-special performance, it was Emelia’s time to go. I actually thought she went with a great deal of dignity, and no matter what my good friend says of her school behaviour, or even her egregious lying about her singing experience, I still hold a fondness for Emelia. Especially because she ‘Please Explain!’-ed it after the comments about her hair - which were, of course, completely justified, and I don’t think a household in Australia didn’t go, “Oh my god it’s Pauline Hanson!” before Dicko pointed it out.

When Chanel was safe, I expected Casey in the bottom three because she was surprisingly getting drowned out by the synths on Sunday. She’s been a powerhouse in the past, but the last two weeks have muted her performances’ however, she’s shown great taste when given complete leeway over her performances before, so I expect another strong shot from her next week.

Marcia is an irrelevant cow nowadays, as the only performer she ever criticises is Chanel. My love is not wavering for Bega’s Best Import, and while Dicko’s comment about a pissed-up secretary had its merits (being a fantastic call, for one), I still have enjoyed all of Chanel’s performances simply because no matter what else, she really puts on a show. She growls and shimmies, bops and emotes and just tries to put everything she has into each song, and it makes me completely not understand why people think she’s particularly affected, because to me she seems amazingly genuine. Perhaps I am blinded by love, but I completely get Chanel, and really want her to be in the top two.

And I want Ricki-Lee to join her in the top two. Because she’s an adorable spaz who also has great showmanship, and she’s just having a complete ball onstage while still bringing a consistently impressive vocal ability to the songs she sings. Of the men left in the competition, Anthony is cute and talented but completely asexual (which is probably part of his appeal - how many prepubescent girls have had odd feelings about their Ken dolls?), Courtney is big-brotherly but increasingly bland, Daniel is powerful but pinched, and Marty is two weeks away from being evicted for his not-so-rock performances. I like the guys, but I want the women to take it to the end, and with Chanel and Ricki-Lee I think we might have a chance of that happening.

Scarily enough, I have many, many more words I could say about Australian Idol, but I’ll leave it where it stands. Rock on, Jess…

And rock on to you, Gadge my darling, rock on to you!

September 27, 2004

“Sock It To Me!” With Special Guest Columnist Crystal

I’m really over Idol, I’m telling you. Apparently, next weeks theme is ‘Personal Choice’. What? Every single week so far has been ‘Sing Whatever The Hell You Like Week’! They really need to get more specific. And seeing as I’m so bored not only with the themes, but with the show, I will only watch if the following theme weeks are installed for the remainder of the competition:

• 80s Power Ballad Night
  
• Songs by your favourite Solo Spice Girl
  
• Songs from Definitely Maybe
  
• Britney Songs beginning with your first initial
  
• Songs from ‘Buffy - Once More With Feeling’
  
• Rock DJ personal interpretation evening
  

Anyway, here is what I thought about ‘Disco Night.

Even though I’m the biggest pop tart on the planet, I’m not really that big on disco, to tell you the truth. So this week’s theme didn’t really score a touchdown with me. But…performer by performer…

Casey - I still wonder whether she even bothered to remove her Britney posters before she stuck the Cobain ones over the top. Maybe I’m too fresh out of high school, but I find her so lame. Last night she was ok I guess…’Shake Your Groove Thing’ though? Hmm. Passable, just.

Courtney - I really think I’ve rode the Courtney love train to it’s final stop. ‘Not conceited’, Marcia? I personally find Courtney to be so far up himself it’s not funny. This is only something I’ve realised in the past two weeks though. Still like his voice, but he is SO BORING.

Chanel - I really felt uncomfortable even watching the judges comments on her last night. They were way too harsh. Fucking Marcia…Mark and Dicko should have smacked her numerous times last night, and this was only one of them. Seriously, what is Marcia’s problem with Chanel? I don’t even LIKE Chanel that much and I thought Marcia was way out of line. Chanel’s dress was ugly though.

Ricki-Lee - Yay! The one contestant I actually love. She’s the winner, I’m telling you right now. That said…she should have romped Disco Night home…it was a bad choice of song. She was still awesome though, even with a song that didn’t really show how good she could have been.

Daniel - I thought he was rather good, really, despite the judges comments. This was the closest he’s come to reliving his Rock DJ glory days. I’m still not going to forgive him if he doesn’t rap again though…

Hayley - Oh my God, I was almost hiding behind the cushion. The judges LIKED that? I thought it was pretty embarrassing, really. Hayley always reminds me of an elephant…though I can’t really say why. I don’t mean it in a bad way. You know, because there’s a good way to be compared to an elephant… Anyway…hmm, I just thought her performance was really contrived, and unnatural.

Anthony - Aw, I love tiny little Anthony, I really do. The past two weeks it’s been jacket, then glasses, into the crowd. Has to be a hat next week, surely? Though, I’d give much higher bonus points for a shoe.

Marty - To quote Marcia (gag), I ain’t got nothing to say. I. Just. Hate. Him.

Emelia - I totally missed the performance, but I saw the judges Hanson comments. Yes, I’d agree. That hair was really incorrect. I think she’ll be leaving.

Bottom three - Chanel, Emelia, Marty
Leaving - I WISH Marty, I really do. But probably Emelia.

Hurrah! Thank you Crystal, that was indeed excellent. We can only hope and pray that the judges take your theme suggestions on board! If you would like to indulge in more of Crystal’s delightful madness, I cannot help but urge you to support the impending movie by visiting the Sky’s Magical Mystery Tour official site!

Judges, Ye Trouble Me…

I’m tremendously excited to tell you that Crystal from Gallagher Factor Sky’s Magical Mystery Tour will be doing a guest Idol wrap for us shortly - hurrah! If anyone else would like volunteer their services over the next few weeks (Adam, I’m specifically looking at you since I inadvertently forgot to post your delightful Daniel Belle\Angelina Jolie pics!) it’d be much appreciated. Gadge and Wilko are also rather marvellous at providing alternate opinions in our comments sections, so if you lads want to step up to the plate as well over the next few weeks, I’d love you forever and ever.

Right - here are my quick comments regarding last night.

Judges, I feel obliged to point out the dribbling pile of human shite you’ve turned into! Dicko is trying to be nasty for the sake of it half the time (whereas in the old days he was at least remotely constructive), Marcia is straddling the fence so fiercely she nearly requires lubricant, and Mark - well, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again - Mark Holden is rapidly becoming a parody of Mark Holden. His pathetic and blatant grabs for attention and sound bites are just sad now. I’m sorry, but rubbish like “It didn’t gumuzzle my fuzzle. No seriously. My pingawoody ain’t moo moo like a dirt daddy should. No, really! This is a problem! You waa-naa-nee effervescently, but lichen on the rocks, man. Lichen on the rocks.” doesn’t constitute anything other than verbal diarrhoea.

Add to this their newfound tendency to fawn over irritating\over-the-top\flagrantly shithouse performers while heaping dung over those with an iota of real talent, and the entire thing is completely cringe worthy. At one point last night, I quite literally had my hands over my eyes. For the life of me, I cannot work out why they launched such a vicious attack on Chanel. Yes, I believe that her initial hype has affected her in a way - it’s a lot of pressure being the the out and out favourite after just the initial audition and it’s obvious to me that Chanel is trying hard - perhaps too hard - to try and please everyone. That said, her performance last night WAS good! Certainly, it was better than many of the performances that had the judges drooling. Dicko wasn’t constructive at all (the “drunk secretary” comment was just nasty), Mark was minimally so, and Marcia - well, I’ve got to ask. What the HELL is with her strict school marm behaviour?! Has Gretel Killeen been giving her tips? I couldn’t work out if she was supporting Chanel or slamming her. Note to Ms Hines: Despite what you might think, grimacing and scowling while muttering “I have nothing to say to you” may not be the gesture of comfort you intend it to be.

There are many more things I could talk about - Anthony Calea’s warble-fest (could he have oversung “Car Wash” anymore?), Emelia’s Courtney-Act-Doing-Pauline-Hanson look (I felt terrible for her, and at the same time couldn’t help but notice she really DID look like Courtney-Act-Doing-Pauline-Hanson) and Hayley’s rather excellent rebirth (complete with a Chanel-esque silhouette opening - rip off? You decide…) but I’m gonna let Crystal talk about all that stuff. Feel free to add anything either of us missed below!

PS: How uncomfortable and constipated did Andrew G look! And was that a beer belly or simply an unflattering shirt?

September 23, 2004

Just To Recap…

Amali is gone… gone for good, and Marty - the sexy beast above - has stayed. Well, that seems fair, doesn’t it? After all, look at that pose! The way he’s pushing out his non-existant boobies like a deranged Playboy model, oh lord, it’s such a turn on…

September 20, 2004

Take My Blog… Please!

Well, not really. I’ve grown quite an affection for little old ausculture.com. But what I would love, nay - what I crave - is for someone to take over last night’s recap for me. Who wants to, eh? EH?

Sniffle.

I want to assess each and every Idol contestant, really I do - I just don’t know if I’ll have the time to do it properly until mid-week, and by then my thoughts are irrelevant!

In short…

• If that’s Chanel’s worst, then she really is quite excellent. That said, I’m slightly tiring of demure, girlish, coy Chanel and longing for cheeky vixen Chanel. We love you, Chazza! Your people want to see you kick arse!

• Mark Holden is infinitely more helpful to the contestants when he’s in the recording studio. He actually gives feedback rather than nonsensical ramblings. Sorry Mark, but “Sock it to me, sock it to me, sock it to me!” is far more than three words. Even at best, it’s four words repeated.

• As much as I detest Marty, I suppose he sang “Satisfaction” half-decently in a still-very-cheesy way. He totally Millsyfies every song he does - he’s even adopted Millsy’s tendency to turn his head to the side during a song and give a blow job to some imaginary boyfriend. It did strike me as rather shit for Marty’s sake that Mark Holden salivated over his performance in the studio and yet as soon as Dicko criticised the song choice, Mark suddenly had a huge amount of negative feedback.

• Ricki-Lee, please do NOT jam forks in the toaster. If it doesn’t kill you, it wreaks havoc with your hair.

• Courtney is not too fat to be a success, and I don’t think Dicko was telling him otherwise. What Dicko was saying, in my opinion, is that Courtney needs to be prepared that from a marketing\media perspective, he will be first judged by his weight, then his talent. People will often be distracted by the appearance and not give the talent the credit that is due. It’s not fair, but that’s the world we live in. If he’s happy with that, if he genuinely doesn’t mind being known as “the fat bloke who sings well” off Australian Idol, then more power to him. But Courtney has struck me as someone who isn’t comfortable with his weight, so if he can use the resources of Idol to get himself feeling tops, then I say go for it.

• Amali is so adorable and sweet, bless. Less tit this week, so she may end up back in the bottom three. I suspect Daniel Belle may be joining her. If pressed for a third choice, I’d say Hayley Jensen.

Rightio, that’s all I have in me. I’m sorry, dears! Please, anyone who wants to submit their own recap should feel free to post it in the comments below.

September 12, 2004

Q. When Is “Pop” Not Pop?

A. On Australian Idol “Pop” Theme Week

However, I’ll let it go because a lot of the songs whose pop genre status was questionable were performed adequately, if not brilliantly. But still - just think how fantastic it would have been to have heard Chanel trill Britney’s “Toxic” or watch Daniel Belle belting out New Edition’s “Candy Girl”.

To save a complete recap of the entire show (yes, I’m lazy - but there’s also other top secret plans being formulated which are taking up much of my time…) here are a few random points, followed by the Top Three and my Bottom Three wish list.

• Amali - I seriously don’t get why Dicko called her a “Butter Voice” last week. I think she’s really quite good! Sure, she’s nervous - but she’s getting better week by week, and she’s so adorable. Watching her perform last night with my two male fellow apartment dwellers, we managed to last about thirty seconds without comment before I couldn’t help exclaiming “My god! What marvellous tits!” The boys were in complete agreeance (repeatedly, for the rest of the night). The girl is sixteen, it’s so so so wrong and yet - she really is a little minx. Not of the Slinkee variety though, thank god.

• Daniel Belle and Chanel are so going to sex each other, and this is rather excellent because if they get married she’ll be Chanel Belle. Though admittedly “Chanel Belle” sounds like a slightly expensive hooker in a Parisian brothel.

• Anthony Calea is growing on me. I DON’T KNOW WHY, LORD! But he is.

• Marty is still a fucking tool. I do NOT get the “Yay, ultra-talented Marty!” thing that the judges go on about. He sounded like a knob tonight, with an American accent and cutesy movements on stage. I want to smack him right in the chops. My pet hate, other than the chest rug, is that smarmy feckin’ grin he does after he finishes the song which screams “I’m so good, yeah - I rock! I’m Marty “ROCK” Worrall, cower in wonder at my sexy rock poses! Bring on the luuuurve, judges - you know you want me, don’t you? LICK MY NIPPLES!”

• Chanel was good, as she always is. I love “History Repeating” and she managed to pull off Ms Bassey delightfully. Other than Green Limosine, Chanel’s consistently picked songs I love. Hurrah!

• Dan O’Connor is still by FAR the weakest singer in the bunch, and Creed DOES suck the proverbial nuts. But he’s so cute! Cute and Christian! This is attractive because hussy women like myself long to corrupt good Christian boys.

• Casey’s performance was a little lacklustre, Daniel Belle’s was alright but a little too… oh, I don’t know… not pop for my liking, Courtney and Ricki-Lee were rather good, Hayley is too gentle to be singing fierce, vicious, ball-tearing songs like Anastacia’s (take that how you will), and Emelia did a decent version of Pink’s “Family Portrait” but in my opinion, she should have sung “Trouble” instead.

Top Three
In A Fair & Just World, Plus One Cos I’m Indecisive!
Chanel Cole
Amali Ward
Courtney Murphy\Ricki-Lee Coulter

Bottom Three
In A Fair & Just World, Even Though I Still Want To Lick Some Of Them!
Marty Fucking Worrall
Dan O’Connor (slurp)
Casey Donavon (sorry dollface, just didn’t float my boat last night!)

Am I right? Am I wrong? Probably a little of both!

September 6, 2004

Quick Idol Thoughts

I can’t spend too long on this since the fabulous “Glove Slap” Simpson’s episode is on, but I had a few thoughts on last night’s Idol show I thought I would share.

1. Chanel really is brilliant, isn’t she? She turned Erinsborough coffee shop favourite “Green Limosuine” by The Badloves into a remotely decent song - effortlessly too, I might add. But has the Australian public’s love waned for her during the long and lonely period she’s been off our screens?

2. That Amali is a funny little bugger, isn’t she? God love her.

3. Dan O’Connor’s lower register is quite dreadful. Sounds like when you play a tape that’s been melted in the sun. Lucky I want to touch his naughty places!

Anyways, more thoughts after the results show tonight - along with an explanation as to why this episode wrap up is so shithouse (Emelia style!)

September 4, 2004

Dicko Spot | What’s Wrong, No Seriously, What’s Wrong?

WELL!

Just when I thought my Garth Ploog slobber-spot was going to be the highlight of this year’s Australian Idol competition… oh, I’m so excited, I can barely type!

There I was, sipping a latte and waxing lyrical about politics in Crows Nest (not really, but the location is real) when in a complete David Attenborough moment, I spotted the rare Silvery-Mullet only yards away from me. That’s right, I just saw Dicko - and for those of you dying to know the inside gossip - he seemed to be struggling to get money from an ATM!

I was going to offer to lend him $5 for a coffee but I resisted for two reasons. One - people who approach television personalities on the street almost always come off looking like deranged fans, no matter how extremely sexy and busty they are, and two - I simply don’t have that kind of money lying around. Dicko should be shouting me a coffee!

Oh, and I was wondering if any ausculture.com readers could fill me in on what Chanel was crying about on Thursday night’s Inside Idol show. The ads, with Leah McLeod clasping Chanel to her motherly bosom and muttering “Whassrong, nohsewiousleewhassrong?” in a suitably caring fashion, intrigued me but I was out and didn’t get to see what the story was. Cheers!

September 2, 2004

Idle Gossip

Sorry about the delay in posts here, kids, but as you can imagine, my high-flying, stock broking, celebrity filled life is simply so hectic I don’t have a chance to jump online and write new blog entries about Idol every day. Okay, I keep falling asleep in front of the telly after work, like someone’s elderly and probably incontinent grandmother who snoozes through the last half of The Midday Movie and wakes up disorientated and pantsless.

Good news though! I am FULL of gossip today!

Recently, an fellow employee had to deal with some Idol Wildcard stars. She had the following tidbits to share.

• Ngaiire is very, very small. Not a surprise though, really.
• Tara is not a particularly nice person. To quote my associate - “Not only was she a bogan, she was a loud bogan. And a right little bitch as well. Too much attitude.”
• Garth Ploog is quite good looking in the flesh, and rather charming in a look-at-me-give-me-attention way.
• He and Emelia got into a mild scrap, during which Emelia was heard to have said to Garth “I’m sorry, but there are some things you just do not say to a sixteen year old girl!”

Also - through my connections (thoroughly unexciting, but I’m trying to give everything a showbiz spin today) I can obtain a serviette with Garth Ploog’s slobber on it. You could use it to extract his DNA, eventually creating an army of Garth Ploog’s to take on the world via song and dance in an unholy crusade against cheese-free pop. Bidding starts at $5.

August 30, 2004

Christ Almighty - Wildcard Results

I can’t believe Ngaiire didn’t make it through the Wildcard round into the Top Twelve! Feckin’ judges and public!

Meanwhile Marty, Emelia and Anthony “earned” their place in the Top Twelve. Someone in that trio managed to get by at the expense of Ngaiire which strikes me as poo, but hey - whaddyagonnado? At the very least, I’m relatively grateful that this year’s Top Twelve is infinitely more talented than last year’s bunch.

I think we’re gonna see some interesting stuff over the next few weeks, folks.

August 29, 2004

The Wildcard Performance Round Up

I haven’t commented on the choices the judges made for the Wildcard show, mostly because I thought their choices were absolute shit. Anthony Calea? Geeez, Mark - your love for Anthony wouldn’t have anything to do with your previous experience working with him, would it? Carlos? Adrian Hood? Honestly, I’m really starting to worry about the judges.

I must say that the judges (again) were being far too nice to the contestants, and as for Dicko’s taste - where has it gone? Has he absentmindedly left it at his grandmothers, a la Ms Hilton and her beloved pooch Tinkerbell? Mr Mark Holden has morphed into the Zen master, constantly meditating and “ummmmmmmm”-ing before rambling off short sentences supposedly filled with great meaning. Useless! Marcia has become the most likable of the judges, and she’s so fucking chirpy and upbeat about their performances, it makes me want to hit her. In a loving way, naturally.

There were some performances I liked tonight. Sadly, since all the performers I liked were women, there is no chance of all of them getting through - especially when the judges are selecting two of the three wildcard entrants and they’re currently in the middle of an inexplicable lovefest with rubbish male contestants. I’m beginning to suspect our Almighty Three might not be up to the task at hand, and it concerns me.

I personally would like to see the following three go through.

1. Emelia - she’s improved in leaps and bounds, she’s likable in a worrying, Lycra loving way. She’s proven herself (via song choices) to be more than a poor man’s Pink. While I don’t think she’d win the competition, I would be interested to see how she goes in the Top Twelve.

2. Ngaiire - a vocal powerhouse, to be sure, and her absence from the Top Three of Group One was a shame. Sadly, the exclusion of a talented singer from that group was inevitable after it was stacked full of polished performers, leaving the other two groups scrounging for someone worthy of the Top Twelve. Tonight’s performance wasn’t her best, but good nonetheless, and I think if she had a chance to hit the Top Twelve, she could be the Paulini of this year’s bunch. And she told James Mathison he’d spat in her eye whilst talking to her, humiliating him and rendering him a blushing mess! Excellent!

3. Liza - I just like Liza, and I’m not entirely sure why. I think it might be because she’s a bit cheeky, I dig her husky voice, and she seems rather devoid of bullshit cheesiness, which is a refreshing change.

Sadly, I don’t think all three of the above will go through, and it’ll be due at least two of the following bunch. Stupid stinkin’ judges’ choice.

1. Anthony - the judges ranted about how he’d “taken their comments on board” but he must have selective hearing since he managed to repeatedly ignore all references to his dodgy haircut and instead is wearing his trendy mullet with pride. No! No mullets in the Top Twelve, says I!

2. Carlos - I really, really don’t get the Carlos thing. His hair looks as though a blind hairdresser gripping a Gillette razor unexpectedly had an epileptic fit whilst styling his hair. No mullets and no tracks in the Top Twelve. He seemingly stole his outfit from Michael Jackson’s Bad era (and I don’t mean the kiddyfiddling period), and was it just me or was he singing “San-tor-ia” or “Send-or-ia” rather than the Timberlake approved “Senorita” during the chorus? Is this some sort of Latin insider’s pronunciation that I don’t know about? And the dancing - who slipped the Ritalin in his drink, eh? Own up!

3. Marty - His head is swelling as the competition goes on, and I don’t just mean in the metaphorical “ego” sense. He may just topple over on stage if it keeps going at this rate! I beg of him, wear a beanie or something. Borrow Dan O’Connor’s baseball cap. But please, no more grinning baldy goon stuff on stage. The judges salivated over him but I couldn’t get past his one-leg-in-front-of-the-other-rock-star-pose… for Keane! That’s like biting a head off a bat whilst singing Savage Garden’s “I Knew I Loved You” - well intentioned and straight from Rawk Moves 101, but rather incongruous nevertheless. Plus he sounded like someone suffering from an unexpected and painful bout of dysentery when he hit the first “ooooooh” bit in the song, which I found incredibly off putting. Other members of my household can’t stand him, but I don’t actually fiercely dislike him - I just think he’s slightly over-rated and the judges tendency to drool over him will probably cost someone more deserving a place in the Top Twelve. He may improve though. Maybe.

Sigh. There’s so much more I could talk about, like Garth Ploog’s Young Talent Time performance (part two) and Adrian Hood’s useless shoulder movements but I’m far too tired and I want to go watch Dogma on DVD. Feel free to disagree with my assessment if you feel the need. You may be right, I may be crazy - but it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for. Don’t let the bells end!

August 26, 2004

Tonight’s Wildcard Show - Speculation Mounts

Being bored and having an investigative nature, I decided to try out the Official Yahoo Idol forums and see what the punters were chattering about. Well, much like Big Brother’s forums, the Idol message boards are filled to the brim with “insiders” posting exclusive news straight from Idol HQ.

So without further ado, here are the lists of Wildcard finalists as revealed by various “exclusive” sources.

Source One Anthony Callea, Ngaiire Joseph, Emily George, Adrian Hood, Tara Del Borrello, Liza Schulberg, Carlos Velazquez, Marty Worrall, Garth Ploog and Emelia Rusciano

Source Two Ngaiire Joseph, Anthony Callea, Liza Schulberg, Christie Green, Marty Worrall, Billie McCarthy, Emily George, Gabriel Cabrera, Adrian Hood and Carlos Velazquez

Source Three (with song choice’s original artist included) Garth Ploog (Maroon 5), Carlos Velazquez (Craig David), Marty Worrall (The Animals), Adrian Hood (Michael Jackson), Anthony Callea (John Farnham), Emelia Rusciano (Pink), Tara Del Borrello (Christina Aguilera), Liza Schulberg (Stevie Wonder), Ngaiire Joseph (Lauryn Hill), Emily George (Mariah Carey)

Hmmmmm. I guess we’ll find out just who’s right tonight, eh?

August 23, 2004

The Results Show | The Wildcard Round

Without dwelling too much on tonight’s results, I am rather chuffed to see that yet again ausculture.com have picked the three finalists, although I must admit it’s a little unfair when we list five people in our Top Three. Casey pulled out another powerhouse performance, Ricky-Lee was as bouncy and perky (no, really - I’m not refering to her breasts again, I promise) as her name would have you think, and even Dan made a dull song seem remotely better than it is. Well, I did have it on mute…

As for the impending Wildcard round - who do you reckon will get another chance? Personally, I think the following people are shoe ins. Hopefully.

• Laurence Sorbello
• Yasmine Dia
• Gabriel Cabrera
• Barry Southgate

It’s true! I’m not lying! I’ll get you, McKenzie!

Bonus Useless Points
If you can guess where that last line came from!

Oh, alright. Here’s my serious list of contenders.

• Ben Eaton
• Ngaiire Joseph
• Liza Schulberg
• Emelia Rusciano \ Billie McCarthy

I’m torn between the last two.

Sunday Night’s Performances | The Judges Go Soft

I won’t go through the individual performances one by one as per normal because quite frankly, I can’t be bothered. There were quite a few decent singers, and a few more mediocre ones. You would not however have been able to tell this from the way the judges behaved. Did someone at Channel Ten spank Dicko for his fiery appraisal of Daniel Belle? Or did surly Daniel simply scare Dicko into watching his mouth this week? Either way, every single contestant was handled with kid gloves. Boo, says I.

For me personally, the biggest standout of the night was young Casey Donovan’s performance. I had begun to wonder after Thursday night’s Inside Idol whether Casey was a bit of a wannabe alternative school kid wanker. Terrible, I know, but her profile on the official site did nothing to comfort me. Her favourite musical genres were heavy metal, grunge, death metal, and jazz, and her musical idol is Kurt Cobain. It sounded ominously like a text-book case of teen pretentiousness but hey - we’ve all been through it.

I thoroughly expected to see her end up singing an Evanescence or Limp Bizkit song last night. As you can imagine then, I was shocked when Casey pulled out an absolutely classy diva-esque piece called “Here’s Where I Stand” by Tiffany Taylor (Sorry, but who?). A truly brilliant performance, I have to say. She hit the huge notes but avoided unnecessary warbling which other singers in the competition seem to think is a fitting substitute for genuine emotion. Mark Holden was moved to tears (and for once, he wasn’t just being a parody of Mark Holden Series One) and eventually pulled out a “touchdown!”. Marcia declared she was speechless (and yet miraculously managed to speak for a fair while about how good Casey’s performance was) and Dicko also gave the young music student a pat on the back. Casey’s stage presence reminded me a bit of a Mama Cass, which is meant to be entirely complimentary - Mama Cass had a fantastic voice and great performing style. Could “Dream A Little Dream Of Me” be next on the agenda for Casey?

No one else managed to reach the heights of Casey’s greatness, but a few other potential contenders emerged from the ranks. I can’t help but like Garth Ploog, despite his tendency to Young Talent Time his performances. Could he be the male equivalent of Yasmine Dia?

Even though he cried on Thursday night’s Idol show (the big woolly woofter!), I still think Daniel O’Connor is a bit of a spunk rat (hey, I never said I wasn’t shallow). Ricky-Lee’s rendition of “Can’t Get Enough Of Your Love” managed to showcase both her excitable stage presence, and her absolutely massive waps. Impressive! Emelia Rusciano did pretty well, I thought, and actually managed to choose a song that was popular, recent and not stereotypical karaoke fodder. Must agree with Dicko though regarding her daggy outfit, and her love of lycra is slightly worrying.

Billie McCarthy sounded great, but again I think Dicko was on target when he expressed concern regarding her ability to sing something other than jazz. Chanel Cole (hurrah for getting to mention her again so we don’t forget her genius!) managed to escape this sort of typecasting by choosing the modern masterpiece “Glory Box” for her semi-final performance. Although Glory Box isn’t really “pop” (at least, not in the Kylie Minogue’s “Spinning Around” sense of word) it did show Chanel’s versatility whilst she still managed to continue to stay true to her personal taste in music. Perhaps Billie’s semi-final performance would have been a good chance to display the adaptability required to make it through the various theme weeks during the finals. Depending on how the public votes tonight, Billie’s choice of yet another jazz song may just work against her. It’ll be interesting to see how the public vote.

So - if I were to rank last night’s competitors as per tradition, the Top Three would go as follows. Again, not necessarily based on last night’s performance which renders the rankings completely useless (but scarily accurate, it would seem).

1. Casey Donovan
   
2. Daniel O’Connor
   
3. Garth Ploog\Emelia Rusciano\Ricki-Lee Coulter (and breasts)
   
   

August 16, 2004

ausculture.com Successfully Picks Tonight’s Winners

I talk out my arse most of the time, so imagine my surprise when all three of my top three picks made it through to the Top Twelve! That’s right, Amali, Daniel and Angie will be appearing on our screens sometime soon, with single mother Liza just missing out. Liza didn’t appear overly fussed though, and even teased Yasmine about how at least she made it into the Stool Gang. Probably not the best name, especially with much of the nation of the opinion Idol contestants are complete shit, but the point was valid.

I have to say, I really do love Amali now. She looks so delightfully mildly disinterested in proceedings, and her obvious awkwardness with hand movements just endears her to me. Don’t worry Chanel, you’re still ausculture.com’s Number One Gal, but Amali is running a close second. I might mention that Angie’s performance was rather good tonight as well, but then she was always a shoe-in to make the Top Twelve so I shouldn’t be surprised.

Meanwhile, Daniel looked gutted after making it into the Top Three and surpassing Liza, who he realised had out-performed him on Sunday night. Still, I’m quietly confident we’re going to see some good stuff from Daniel as long as he learns to pick songs that suit his ability and doesn’t just kowtow to Dicko’s whims.

The big question this week is - when will Marcia give Maxwell Sheffield his hair back?

ausculture.com Readers!
If you were able to pick a song for Daniel Belle to sing, what would it be? While we’re at it, feel free to suggest songs for other contestants as well. I’d be interested to see what you think.

August 15, 2004

Post-Idol Semi Final II Recap

Let’s jump straight into it, shall we?

Yasmine began tonight’s proceedings with the Diet Coke theme song (did I make that up or was it part of an ad campaign at one time?) “Free” by Ultra Nate. It was a vintage Young Talent Time performance - full of random toothy grins and bopping that would have made Johnny Young proud. Especially irksome for me was the cheesy pause inserted in the chorus ie: “You’re freeeeee… to do what you wa…… nna do!”. Mark began a new technique in his judging - a lot of “ummm… ahh… sheeeeez…” to compliment his awkward and slightly constipated face, which was to indicate that whatever he said next was not going to be positive and it absolutely pained him to say it. He thought Yasmine’s performance was too “cabaret” (a word he’s going to overuse a lot this year, methinks) and she shouted the lyrics. Marcia, probably feeling bad about the “shut your legs, slut!” comment at the Seymour Centre, went a more positive angle, telling Yasmine that she’d done a good job with the song. Dicko then told Yasmine that her performance had shown exactly why she didn’t make it into the Top Thirty in the first place, and informed her that while she has bucket loads of enthusiasm, she lacks any class whatsoever. Gutted! Yasmine’s become rather infamous in the competition and has certainly earned a fair bit of screen time so perhaps that’ll get her through to the next round.

Next up was Marcia’s boyfriend Gabriel singing a lacklustre version of George Michael’s “Careless Whisper” and confirming my opinion that he’s mightily over-rated. He seemed to inherit Jamie Oliver’s tongue for the performance. Dicko was spot on when he told Gabriel his rendition drifted towards karaoke, and the whole thing lacked spark.

Chloe followed on with a Norah Jones song called “‘Turn Me On”. My god, she really is Sophie Monk, isn’t she? I thought she sang it well but it didn’t do all that much for me. Perhaps I was too distracted with the Monk connection but I could certainly see her performing at Movie World. Still, it was a good effort I suppose and she’s attractive enough to possibly gain votes so the end may not be nigh for young Chloe. Mark did the “Awww… geeeeeez…” build up once more, and yet again labelled the performance “cabaret”, Dicko thought her clothing (funky rock chick, or something) and the tune (a torch song) clashed and this would confuse the audience. Marcia complimented her performance though, and hissed a surly “Jesus!” in the direction of her fellow judges.

Angie Narayan’s choice of an Aretha song (“Chain Of Fools”) was well-suited, and went over a treat with the judges. Mark advised her to join up with Paul Mac or Mr Timothy (pardon my ignorance, but who?) and begin churning out the hits, Marcia gave it two thumbs up and Dicko called her a “big sexy mamma”. Kudos all round then. I thought the performance was good, but wasn’t entirely sold on the shirt. Still, it’s not Fashion Idol now is it, so all in all a great effort by Angie.

Barry “Dolly’s Most Dateable Guy 2004” Southgate then had his chance to shine. Barry chose to sing Joe Cocker’s “Up Where We Belong” and I am afraid to say the entire thing was a total yawn-fest. He’s beautiful to look at, certainly, but he really is a poor man’s Guy Sebastian vocally. There was just no energy in his performance and he was so stationary in the beginning, I began to wonder if those naughty imps James and Andrew G had glued his feet to the ground. While Marcia loves her men to be “serene”, it just doesn’t cut it for me. Perhaps it’s for the best - Barry Southgate sounds less like an Australian Idol and more like an English football player.

Following on was Tara, who decided to sing “My Immortal” by Evanescence. I thought she did okay with it (though she looked a little sour) but to be honest, I dislike the song in general so it was hard for me to tell if she was doing a reasonable version of a crap, whiney song or if she was doing a crap, whiney version of a crap, whiney song. Mark pulled out another “Ummm… sheeeeez…” and informed Tara that her song choice just didn’t cut the mustard with him. Dicko thought she could have sung it better (it needed more “fire and passion”) but Marcia again jumped in to save the day, telling Tara that she sang the song incredibly well. True or False: Tara is Dannii Minogue and Lisa-Marie Presley’s bastard lesbian love child?

I didn’t even know Adrian Hood existed until Thursday’s Inside Idol show, so I was mighty interested to hear how he’d sound, especially since his former claim to fame was apparently being in a boy band (anyone know what they were called?) He sang Usher’s “Burn” and while I think he sang it rather well, I am biased against the song since Usher is a smug little cunt. Mark wasn’t overly impressed but at least he didn’t label Adrian as “cabaret”. Dicko and Marcia, on the other hand, lapped it up and Dicko even went as far as to tell Adrian he was going “from strength to strength”. My big criticism? Those trousers were distractingly horrible. A serious case of Old Man Pants Syndrome, and they made him look like a slightly podgy uni student. Has Gretel’s stylist moved over to Idol? Sort out the slacks, son, and we’ll talk.

Liza sang a song I’d never heard before called “You Put A Move On My Heart” and did a fairly good job of it. Still no fireworks performance-wise, but I think she has some potential once she cuts loose a bit. Marcia apparently loves Liza’s personality, and thought she pulled off a difficult song whilst Dicko was concerned that Liza’s song choice was rather dodgy. Mark uttered something about fashion and “taking off” but again, at least he held back on cabaret references.

And now to one of the more interesting performances of the night - Daniel Belle’s second attempt at pop. Daniel sang “Rock DJ” in an attempt to keep the judges off his back about being too classical in his style. As soon as the song started and Daniel began rapping, I knew we were entering dangerous territory. Robbie Williams’ rapping is amusingly dodgy at best, but a white Aussie guy imitating a white English guy imitating a rapper was just too hilarious. It was not the best of performances, granted, but nonetheless I still felt a bit of affection towards Daniel for giving it a bash. Dicko, however, did not. Summing the performance up as “Ned Flanders sings Robbie Williams” (so harsh and yet so true!), Dicko was utterly horrified by what he had witnessed. Mark jumped on the bandwagon, enforcing a ban on all “George Michael and Robbie Williams” songs in an effort to win Dicko’s heart. Meanwhile, Marcia attempted to comfort Daniel by proclaiming she was impressed with his ability to hit the high notes effortlessly. But Marcia - the rap! THE RAP! Daniel was absolutely livid, and suddenly became a much more interesting individual. After all, it WAS Dicko who encouraged him to follow the pop route, and Daniel was understandably confused as to what the judges actually wanted from him. My advice? Daniel would do well singing classic rock song\ballads, and steering away from obvious pop. Especially pop with rap bits. He has got a good voice, and I do like him for some reason, but really - tonight’s performance was worthy of winning the Castle Hill Tavern’s karaoke competition, not Australian Idol. Still, I did enjoy Daniel’s sudden manly surliness and his flash of temper turned the show from being rather bland into something worth watching. I’d be very interested to see what Daniel does next, should he make it through to the next part of the competition.

Finally, Amali Ward hit the stage. Amali underwhelmed me at her original audition, but she’s gone from strength to strength since getting through. She’s cute, she’s funny (really, how great was that “incest” call at the Seymour Centre?!?!) and she has got a good voice. Tonight she sang a Joss Stone song called “Some Kind Of Wonderful” and although it was a restrained performance, I thought she was effortlessly good. Very calm, very confident, and very likable. Once she gets a little fire in her belly, I think we’ll start seeing her “take off” as Mark Holden puts it.

So my top three performers of the night (and this may not be based on actually good performances - confusing, I know) would go as follows…

1. Amali Ward
2. Angie Narayan
3. Daniel Belle (horribly brilliant performance!)

Tonight’s Idol - Pre-Show Thoughts

Last week’s group of ten contained heaps of my favourites in the competition but this week, no one has particularly stood out to me - well, musically at least. I know of Yasmine as “Tommy Lee’s new shag”, Barry as “The Stud”, Angie as “The Soul Mamma” and Gabriel as “Marcia’s Lust Bunny”, but there are a few people in this week’s group of ten who are an absolute mystery to me. Adrian? Where did he appear from?! Chloe? Tara? They could be brilliant or rubbish so I’m curious to see how they go tonight.

Incidentally, I wonder if I’m the only one to find Gabriel rather over-rated by the judges. Maybe it’s his song choices (I find “Cherish” particularly insipid personally, and “One Sweet Day” is standard school talent quest fare, though admittedly generally sung far worse) but I just don’t get why they carry on about him as though he’s the messiah. Plus he pulled out one of those overly-confident sound bites on Thursday night (“… and that’s why I’m going to win Australian Idol”) which never endears someone to me.

Oh, and Friday afternoon I managed to stumble across Mark Holden being interviewed on 2Day FM and scarily agreed with him regarding Chanel. Dear Chanel, while you can do no wrong in my heart of hearts, I must implore ye to ensure the humble act is toned down just ever so slightly next time we see you on our screens. While I am sure you really were surprised that Ngaiire didn’t make it into the Top 3 (after all, the little gal’s a pocket dynamo of soul!) some people out there might think that you were being insincere, and we don’t want that, do we? So go back to being the cheeky little scamp we lost our hearts to and worry not about any perceived egotism getting in the way of your inevitable success - after all, last year’s Top Twelve contained a few swollen egos and it didn’t seem to do them any harm.

Speaking of, how about Cosima’s music video sneak peak on Thursday’s Inside Idol show? I take no pleasure in saying this (ha!) but the song sounded rather like tacky 106.5 adult-oriented schlock. So no surprises there then. Cosima still frightens me a bit. I wonder if she’s related to Aphrodite from Big Brother?

Will actually report something and not just ramble on after tonight’s show.

August 13, 2004

A New Idol Blog For You To Read

Feeling adventurous? Then check out the TV Hits website. Why? Because it would appear that Idol Blog fever is catching, and they’ve developed one of their very own.

I’ll let you draw your own conclusions as to whether it’s brilliant or rubbish, but for those of you who can’t even be bothered clicking on the above link (you delightfully lazy scamps!), here’s an insight into their online Idol worshiping world. Allow me to reproduce the TV Hits re-cap of Monday night’s show.

Courtney is evil? Who knew? TV Hits, apparently.

August 10, 2004

The Article I Mentioned Earlier…

… is now up. If you’d like to read my random, jumbled thoughts on Pop vs “Real Music”, then follow this link to our articles section. It’s a loooooong entry (even by my standards) so perhaps printing it out for a toilet or cigarette break is more appropriate. Regardless, I apologise if I’m a little incoherent in it - it’s a mish-mash of various thoughts I’ve been scribbling down for the past few days, and it serves no purpose. Thank you.

August 9, 2004

Chanel Cole singing “Glory Box”

Chanel Cole gives her rendition of Glory Box and I give my opinion on that - and perhaps a few other things.

[This was originally going to be a comment to the previous post, but I felt that it took a few too many sidetracks.]

Yes, I’m a huge fan of Beth Gibbons and her quietly devastating vocal lines.

Obviously, with singing a song on idol, there’s a required balance between on the one hand giving the judges a vocal show on and on the other a need (as an artist) to accurately convey the emotional range of a song - without simply apeing the style of the original artist and adding a few flourishes here and there.

I’ve never been a fan of covers. With the exception of Jeff Buckley singing Cohen’s Hallelujah I can’t think of any examples of a cover that, for me, really adds dimension to a song.

I’m going to say that Chanel Cole did not do to Gibbons’/Portishead’s Glory Box what Buckley did to Cohen’s Hallelujah. She neither approached the same achievement with Glory Box nor took the song on any part of a journey of that type.

Does that mean that I, with my obvious infallibility, didn’t like Chanel Cole’s take on Glory Box? No, I quite liked it.

I think Gibbons has already expressed the quiddity of Glory Box well enough - leaving Chanel with some dangerous pitfalls when approaching the song:

1. Be a complete wanker and butcher the song with endless pointless vocal flourishes
2. Try to take the song in a completely different direction, tripping over her own feet in the process
3. Give a pale impersonation of Gibbons

To me, Chanel managed to avoid all three.

Most importantly, Chanel managed to challenge me as a listener to actually take some time to look at her interpretation of Glory Box. I have to admit that really, Chanel’s version makes me somewhat uncomfortable, she doesn’t seem to do certain things the way I think they should be done. That is, however, the point.

I’m personally not crazy about Chanel’s rendition of Glory Box but for what it’s worth I think it was a vocal success.

Additionally, Chanel could have avoided any analyses such as this one by taking a safer option and singing something that has been done a million times before on Idol shows alone. She opted for the more difficult option, which was brave and could have been a real public execution had she floundered, which she didn’t

Hurrah! The Results Are In!

Thank the Lord - Chanel made it through. I started feeling deathly afraid that perhaps the Aussie public did bugger up completely and would forget to vote for the marvellous Chanel but nooooooo… In fact, I wonder if the show deliberately left her result until last as a way of both making it seem as though she wasn’t such a shoe-in (thus possibly freeing her of the ‘teacher’s pet’ label) and also to make sure that it was her absolutely tops version of ‘Glory Box’ that finished off tonight’s episode.

Patrick and I were discussing Chanel’s song choice over email today - he didn’t manage to catch Chanel singing on Sunday night and wondered if there was an mp3 available. By the way - there is, and it’s over at the Everyone Loves Chanel Cole website (right click and save this)

Anyway, one thing I said to Patrick (who’s a big Beth Gibbons fan, as far as I know - lemme know if I’ve gotten that completely wrong, dollface) was that a song like ‘Glory Box’ is SO Beth Gibbons that it’s incredibly difficult to perform a rendition of it without being either complete rubbish or alternatively simply doing a Beth Gibbons impersonation. In my opinion, Chanel managed to avoid both scenarios and instead delivered a faithful rendition while still making the song undoubtedly hers.

Of course, Chanel wasn’t the only person in the Top Three. Courtney Murphy made it through (and was utterly shocked by it) as did Hayley Jensen. While I’d say that both are deserving of their place, it’s a shame Ben or Ngaiire couldn’t also have gone through. I suspect that Group One will contain at least two (if not all) Wildcard entries though, so this may not be the last we see of the pair.

In other Idol nonsense ‘news’ - did anyone else notice the occasional spark flying between Ben and Chanel? Arm holding, cuddles, the odd saucy wink mid-Portishead - could this be the start of an Idol love affair?

Bonus Issue Discussion!

A few Yahoo groups and other assorted folks have had a bit of a dig at Chanel’s admission on Thursday’s Inside Idol show that she was hurt by what certain websites had said about her. “Ha!” they said “she’s been sprung searching her own name! Egotist!” Let’s be honest here, if I were on a television show I too might be tempted to suss out public opinion by looking up fansites to check out what was being said. Hell, everyone’s guilty of the odd ego-surf, so let’s not get on our high horses and knock her down due to to her doing something anyone remotely computer savvy would probably do if they were in the same position.

Secondly - the “Bjork” thing. Chanel does resemble Bjork physically, but to say she is a Bjork rip-off would indicate that you’ve never actually listened to Bjork sing. Course, this doesn’t mean I wouldn’t like to see Chanel upper cut the odd tabloid journalist in the future… Fingers crossed…

August 8, 2004

Australian Idol - First Semi Final

Seems like I’m constantly apologising for the delay in updates round these parts - ausculture.com’s lack of Inside Idol commentary was due to being distracted by another related issue - “Reality Pop Stars” vs. “Proper Indie Bands”. There are many sides to the debate and it’s probably worth me employing the use of my brain before I rustle up an article (a rare thing indeed!) so I’m afraid we may as well give up hope of a decent first Inside Idol round up. To summarise - Chanel still cool, Courtney makes custard, Prinnie slightly catty, Leah McLeod annoyingly over-familiar with people… When I finish the article, it’ll be in our (surprise surprise!) Articles section but I’ll link it in here anyways.

My opening paragraphs are always complete rubbish and usually have nothing to do with the post’s title, don’t you reckon?

On tonight’s very first semi-final, we started off with Anthony Calea. Anthony used to work with Mark Holden before his stint on Idol and it doesn’t surprise me that Mark would like him. Draw from that what you will. While I suppose his voice is good in the “School Eisteddfod” sense, I do find him a little too bland for my liking. Perfect teeth, perfect hair (if you’re into the over-gelled trendy near-mullet look - I’m not) and General Pants fashion but there’s nothing terribly exciting about him. He sang Robbie Williams’ “Angels” and the judges were generally nice although Dicko professed to wishing Anthony had a little more “bacteria”. Touche, Dicko.

Following on from Anthony was Prinnie Stevens. I’m not at all sure how I feel about her. I think she has a good voice but there’s something that just doesn’t click for me. Perhaps it was her joke-said-in-a-meeeoooow-fashion directed to Emily George on Thursday nights Inside Idol - “Aren’t you twleve?”. Doesn’t sound like much but the delivery seemed to reveal a bit of a nasty side to young Prinnie. As a Carole King fan (and Aretha Franklin, depending on which version you’re more familiar with) I was interested to see how Prinnie did singing a classic like “You Make Me Feel (Like A Natural Woman)”. Not too bad, but it left me feeling like there was something lacking. I wasn’t alone - Mark revealed her performance mysteriously didn’t “whizzle his schizzle.” He’s almost trying too hard to create slightly retarded phrases. Pace yourself, Holden, or we’ll begin to suspect you’re desperate for attention - good or bad.

Courtney Murphy sang a Maroon 5 song “She Will Be Loved” and did a fantastic job of it, I thought. I really like his voice, it’s natural and strong and masculine and stripped of all the fancy-schmancy Mariah bullshit that’s so prevalent in many singers, male and female, these days. Two thumbs up, vocally. Clothing wise though, I must agree with Dicko - Courtney’s unkempt suit look didn’t come off as cool, it came off as “I was stood up at my wedding three days ago and have spent the last few evenings drinking bourbon in a gutter and vomiting on my bright green Converse shoes”. Being overweight doesn’t mean you have to dress shabbily and I hope Courtney gets the confidence to put himself in the hands of the slightly bitchy but hopefully talented stylists on the Idol set.

Chanel. How I love thee, let me count the ways. It’s so nice to have a girl on there who is effortlessly cool and lovely without being dressed head to toe in the latest Sportsgirl collection, someone who’s broad music taste appeals to me, and someone who is so obviously talented even the naysayers are forced to admit it. To themselves, of course. Admitting someone on Idol might be genuinely talented to the outside world would kill some of these “I’m So Cool, Everything I Listen To Is Indie, That’s Right, So I’m Better Than You - I’m Into Proper Music, And I’m Not A Sheep Even Though I Only Adopted This Whole Attitude During Semester One Of My First University Year Just So I Could Hang Out In The Uni Bar And Make Friends With Other Pretentious Wankers.” Ahem - more of that rant in the upcoming article - back to Chanel. She sang Portishead brilliantly (check it out by clicking here) and as the judges harped on afterwards, it was a risky choice since the public may not know it so well. We’ll soon find out whether the Australian viewers are able to determine a great voice even when it’s not singing something played on 2Day FM every fifteen minutes - personally, I’m going to (naively perhaps) put my faith in them.

Next on stage was Laurence Sorbello singing the hideous Lonestar’s “Amazed”. Is it just me or is that song a complete rip off of not just one song, but several?! At the very least, the beginning has been nicked from Bryan Adams’ “Please Forgive Me”. Anyway, Dicko summed it up nicely - Laurence was way out of his depth. This doesn’t mean that he’s not a lovely guy but the fact is he’s not the next Australian Idol. I understand he loves country music but I don’t think the Australian public are going to vote in someone who solely wants to sing country music as their Idol - he may be better off somewhere like Tamworth. That said, it’s important to remember the Belgians voted a dark, brooding metal singer as their Idol so stranger things have happened in the world of pop.

Young Ngaiire Joseph was the next to appear in front of the judges. She sang Mary J Blige’s “No More Drama” and I thought she did a great job. I’m not particularly fond of the song (nor do I hate it, I just haven’t heard it very much) but I though Ngaiire’s version was performed well and I liked the way she moved on stage - it seemed she was really “in the moment” (ooh, I love using wanky showbiz cliches!). Dicko disagreed and thought the performance was “fidgety”. Hush Dicko, you’ve been spending too much time with Shannon “Stationary” Noll.

Sixteen year old Emily George sang “Ain’t No Sunshine” which I suspected would prompt Marcia into a Deni reference and sure enough… While she did an admirable job of the song and she has a surprisingly strong voice for her age, I can’t help but feel perhaps she’s too young for the competition. I’d be interested to see what would happen if she auditioned in a few years time. At the moment, all this video footage of her in her school uniform just makes me feel as though they’re pushing a child onto the stage - it just doesn’t feel right. Still, she’s leaps ahead personality-wise to last year’s Lauren Buckley so we’ll see how it goes.

Meri has been a topic of interest in our house. None of us can believe she’s under the age limit for Idol which isn’t a terribly nice thing to say but it’s true, dammit. Have they checked her ID thoroughly? Just as we were talking about her age, Mark brought it up in his post performance comments, talking of how hard it was to believe she was 27. There’s only one thing for it - chop her leg off and count the rings. Ahem, I’ll continue. She sang “Wind Beneath My Wings” and I am forced to declare that there is no place for Ms Midler in the Idol competition. I am just one woman who’s had enough. No more “Wings”, no “The Rose”, not even a “Chapel Of Love”. If it’s on any of my mother’s Bette Midler compilations, I do NOT want to hear it during this competition. In my opinion the performance was quite dull, and I didn’t think her voice was as crash hot as Dicko, Mark and Marcia did but maybe that’s just me.

The delightful Ben Eaton decided to sing George Michael’s “Freedom” and as much as I like him, I’m inclined to agree with Dicko regarding the performance - it was a little karaoke. However, I would still like to see Ben go through because I think he’s got a great personality and a good voice (better than Millsy’s - prepare for onslaught of irate teenage girls on ausculture.com!) and I can see potential in him.

Hayley Jensen performed a Sarah McLachlan song called “Angel”, which I’m sure everyone will remember was from the movie City Of Angels - the flick, starring Nicolas Cage and Meg Ryan, had a soundtrack that spawned quite a few heartstring-tugging tunes, including “Angel” and The Goo Goo Dolls “Iris”. So very 1998. Hayley sang the song beautifully and she’s certainly grown on me. In fact, after Thursday night’s Inside Idol, I was singing her audition piece around the house although I’m not sure exactly what it is (“Life is a journey, you can take it anywhere you want to go…”)

So that’s tonight’s performances summarised! ausculture.com will be voting in the following order, although we’re rather torn regarding the last few.

1. Chanel Cole
2. Ben Eaton (based on personality, I’m afraid to say, not tonight’s performance)
3. Courtney Murphy \ Hayley Jensen \ Ngaiire Joseph

Who should get our bronze medal for tonight’s performance out of the above three? I’ve decided (sucker that I am), I’m going to vote three times for first place, two times for second place, and once for third. I’m Vodafone’s wet dream. So hows about it, readers - who should I give my all-powerful (ha!) third vote to?

PS: Disturbing Development! The annoying Maya has left, but now the even more annoying show pony Yasmine has returned! ARGH!

August 3, 2004

Sacrilege!

Gasp, shock, horror, disgust!

According to TV Week’s website, Chanel originally tried out at the Canberra auditions - and didn’t make it through to the judges! What kind of ignorant monkeys do they have working as talent scouts at these auditions? How many incredibly gifted individuals were turned away in favour of joke auditions?

It makes my blood boil to think how close we came to losing the one shining star we’ve seen this year. Sniffle. But still, I must not get too upset - Canberra’s loss was Sydney’s gain and despite a near-miss, we still have Chanel in our lives and that’s important to remember.

God bless you, my little Kiwi import, god bless you indeed.

August 2, 2004

Conrad & The Wrath Of God

Thought you kids might find this pic (created by Neo from BBBA’s Behind The Idol forums) rather amusing.

Also a rather chucklesome find via the forums - could this be Australian Idol’s very own “Connie” plugging the wares of Mary-Kate and Ashley?

ausculture.com Love Chanel Cole

Apologies for the lack of updates on this thing. As mentioned before, it’s hard to recap the early Idol shows for many reasons, first and foremost being we’re kinda lazy. We are the worst television bloggers ever! So we won’t say too much about Tuesday’s show or tonight’s show except that our earlier suspicions that Chanel Cole is an absolute champ have been confirmed. She’s funny, talented and hasn’t put a foot wrong.

I know, I know - it’s far too early to be placing money on a favourite (and I’m not entirely sure Chanel could win simply because the public has some exceptionally dodgy taste at times) but Chanel is far and away the “star” of the Idol series so far, and she’s my pick of the bunch without a doubt. Hurrah for Chanel!

Other notable Top Thirty contestants include the beautiful Billie McCarthy (a subtle, sleek voice - and Dicko got it quite right when he complimented her on her smile which “lights up a room”, bless), Laurence Sorbello (who is extremely likable although his last few performances have been rather lacklustre leading me to wonder whether he’s going to struggle singing anything that isn’t country music based), Courtney “I’m Not Peter The Pig farmer In Disguise, Honest” Murphy (who has a strong, clear voice free of all the vocal aerobics many of the Craig David wannabe blokes go overboard with - plus he lists his favourite song to sing as “Wuthering Heights” - hurrah for a Kate Bush fan in the Top Thirty!) and Ben Eaton (who I like for some reason I haven’t yet figured out - I think it’s because he’s cute without being a pretty boy, nice without being cheesy, and can sing without being over the top).

This isn’t to say that no one else in the Top Thirty is great, but the above bunch are just the ones who stick out in my mind. This may be due to their natural charisma, or more likely due to the amount of camera time dedicated to them which allows us, the public, a decent chance to get to know them a little before the voting starts.

Tonight also saw us saying goodbye to young Conrad Sewell (I hope his mother isn’t too disappointed) and various other characters we’ve gotten to know along the way. One particular show pony I wasn’t disappointed in saying goodbye to was Yasmine Dia - when Dicko thinks you look like Tommy Lee’s latest shag and Marcia advises you to close your legs when performing, things aren’t looking hopeful. By the way, is it just my household or does Marcia go weak at the knees whenever she’s in the presence of a young man, Gretel style? She’s a massive fan of Gabriel, who so far I’ve found a little over-rated - perhaps that will change as we see more of the contestant’s versatility of the coming weeks.

Things to look forward to - a shock announcement (set to shock, according to the rather stupidly titled Official Site article title - I hope they’re being deliberately daft) on Thursday’s Inside Idol - that’s right, someone will be leaving the competition. This year, Inside Idol is hosted by Leah McLeod so presumably contestants will be getting love, support and a backyard renovation from the new compere.

More worrying for me is the first round of voting for Group One on Sunday night - there are quite a few gems in the group that I don’t want to see leave, but all I can really hope for is that people don’t get complacent and forget to vote to keep Chanel in the competition. Do it… DO IT!

PS: While out on the drink Saturday night, I just missed out on seeing Flynn. According to Dutch from timholland.com, while I was genteelly powdering my nose in the ladies room (that’s my story and I’m sticking to it), Flynn wandered past the crowd of revellers outside the pub. Naturally, I’m gutted at missing out on personally meeting Australia’s own William Hung. Ha!

July 24, 2004

Potentially Hilarious Romance Alert!

Here at ausculture.com, we’ve got our fingers crossed that Jessica Fuhrmeister & Garth Ploog are struck down by that crazy little thing called love. Why? The vain hope that they’ll marry and become the Fuhrmeister-Ploog household.

No, I don’t know exactly what a Fuhrmeister-Ploog is either but it sounds like something saucy and only available through kinky internet sites so it’s won me over.

July 23, 2004

Tuesday & Wednesday’s Australian Idol Shows!

Where to start, where to start?! It’s hard to write opinion pieces on a show which features dozens of characters per episode and I’m sucking at it so far. I think random thoughts might be the way to go, don’t you? Once we get into the Final Twelve, I might be able to provide episode recaps. Till then, please try to embrace the ridiculous, chronologically-jumbled mess below.

I liked Will Spartadis. Absolutely daft young fellow but his voice wasn’t too bad if not completely unexpected. His friendship with the rather amusing Casio Brothers was also based on behaving in a little bit of a mental fashion but hey - at least they weren’t skinny middle class white kids trying to sing like Christina Aguilera on crack.

The yodeller from Darwin, Laurence, seemed like a bit of a camp champ, and I’m very much looking forward to seeing how someone a little different from the mainstream goes in the next round.

Chanel Cole won be over from the moment she said “I think there’s a distinct lack of articulate, brunette, size 12 flat-chested women on television”. Sure, she reeks of disgruntled-stage-school-ex-pupil and she’s got a dash of University Standard Individual-itis about her, but she can sing and there was something about her - at least for me. I can see her making the Final Twelve.

Marcia is making a concerted effort to look serious this year, but how can anyone take our beloved Marcia too seriously when she uses terms of endearment like “Sister-Girlfriend”!

Young Conrad appeared again and like last time he just didn’t cut the mustard. However, begging and the persuasion of Mark by Marcia managed to ensure he scraped through. Could Mark have actually been… insightful? He was spot on - Conrad does look miserable while he sings. Let’s hope that it was just nerves and not terror at the prospect of disappointing his mum’s dreams of stardom for her son. The Seymour Centre episodes should reveal more.

Three cheers for Daniel Chilcoft who out-camped Julian Clary with his version of “Lost Without You”. Quote of the series so far has to be his “I guess one of my goals in life is to turn every thing into a musical” - a motto I think we can all use in day to day life.

Random point: I hope Nair are sponsoring this year’s Idol show as well as Garnier - I spotted far too many female moustaches for my liking though I won’t name names as that’s rather nasty and the sort of thing that results in God teaching you a lesson. Cue waking up with a full beard, etc.

Tassie’s hippy would-be singing wood nymph goes to show that Lord Of The Rings has a lot to answer for. And “there’s an unknown source that guides me”? It’s called marijuana, love.

Cosima DeVito surprised the judges when she turned up to audition. Sadly, she was surprisingly rejected as she “didn’t possess that diva quality”. Shock!

Kudos to enthusiastic Georgee, who may well suck but is mighty prolific at it. Personally, I’d love to get my paws on a copy of Georgee: The DVD, though I’d settle for either his first or his second album. Bless.

Dicko was on form for most of the two nights but he did do one pretty rubbish thing (at least in my eyes). The girl who sang “Not Pretty Enough” didn’t deserve to have her appearance mocked so brutally on television. Peoples voices are one thing, their clothes also - but someone’s beauty is hardly controllable so when Dicko told the would-be Idol that “No, you’re not pretty enough” or words to that effect, well - it was just unnecessary. Plus it just wasn’t clever - far too obvious, and I thought Dicko was a lot wittier than that. However, other than one small case of twatishness, Dicko has been consistently hilarious - hurrah!

Anyway, that’s all I can remember for now. More as it happens, I guess, and apologies for the length. Hopefully, our Australian Idol blog will improve as time goes on otherwise we can all take turns at spitting on it and shouting abuse.

I Promise…

… to finish my rather big, pulsating, sweaty write-up of this week’s Idol shows tonight. I’ve been terrible, I know, but I was so busy stalking Graxon… trying to have my ego stroked in the papers… working at my new job that I didn’t have a chance.

It will be good though.

And by good, I obviously mean half-arsed rubbish.

July 16, 2004

The Aussie William Hung
(aka The Joke Is Over, Can We Please Move On)

Oh Lord. One of the good things about Australian Idol last year was the fact that it was new, and no one knew what to expect. Real characters emerged in the show. This year however, contestants have not only last year’s Australian Idol show to be influenced by but they’re also familiar with series three of American Idol. What does that mean for us, the audience? It means suffering painful rehashes of previously notable contestants.

Tuesday and Wednesday’s episodes showed far too many people for my liking with afros. Hairstyles which make you look like you jammed a knife into a toaster earlier in the day will not guarantee you sing like Guy Sebastian so don’t bother.

Flynn, an eighteen year old wannabe-Idol, unsuccessfully auditioned for the show and his attempt to grasp stardom with both hands was broadcast this week. At the time, I rejected claims from my housemates that it was a blatant William Hung rip-off (and by the way, William Hung got old a looooong time ago) reasoning that it was quite tut-tut to compare him simply because he was Asian and quite-rubbish-in-a-hilarious-way.

Depressingly, it seems I was wrong. smh.com.au have him tipped as Australia’s own William Hung, and Flynn himself has declared he’s planning on releasing a shite album of his very own. God help us. Is it possible to be sick of an Idol contestant less than a week into the show?

July 15, 2004

The First Two Episodes Of Australian Idol

It’s kicked off, kittens! It’s hard to go through and summarise all the contestants we saw over the last few nights since there are just too many for my frazzled mind to cope with, but here are a few I recall.

• The Greek chick who was Little Miss Stage School and got Marcia offside when she was totally rude and talked over the judges. Ha!
• The girl who wrote and handed out the sheet music of her own song, and proceeded to sing it completely out of tune.
• Gabriel, the guy whose eyes Marcia quite liked. He got through to the next round although I don’t know if he was as spectacular as the judges made out - unnecessary pant creaming? The next few weeks will tell.
• The smiley Guy Sebastian II that the producers let through simply due to his sweet personality even though the voice wasn’t all that strong.
• The big Islander chick with the soul diva voice - expect to see her in the Top 40 contestants.
• The hilarious stoner kid with the giant clock around his neck. Whether he was intentionally hilarious I’m not entirely sure.
• The 16 year old who looked like a 12 year old. He cried his little eyes out when the judges wouldn’t let him through. His sobbed statement about his cold being “God’s way of telling me it’s not meant to be” was so Oliver Twist, I half-expected him add “Please, Dicko - I want some more…” After his mother declared she was taking him to the Sydney auditions regardless, my dear mum (or Dr Ros, as she’ll be known throughout Idol II) grumbled something about militant stage parents.
• The weird goth kid who sang a tune by A Perfect Circle. Dicko and Mark both said no, but Marcia said ” yes” because there was something about him. Dr Ros concurred. Could this “something” be only visible to middle-aged women? Is Weird Goth Kid the Tom Jones of his generation?

And did any ausculture.com readers notice the girl who sang “Jolene”? I don’t care who she is, she sang a Dolly Parton song and that’s enough to win me over!

As for the judges, well - Marcia is smiling less, but still the same old Marcia. Dicko is looking rather dapper, has already come out with a few one-liner gems, and is also getting remarkably surly at the other judges - excellent. Mark Holden? Personally, I think he could easily be replaced with a placard.

Finally - I was shocked and excited to see someone I know on the show! Tim “Dutch” Holland, to be precise! You may remember we mentioned Dutch’s insider report on what it’s like to audition for the show - little did I expect to see him on it, standing right in the centre of the screen in Canberra as they shot a quick interview with some Islander bloke (I think). Congratulations, D! Next year, Big Brother perhaps?

June 29, 2004

Welcome To Our Australian Idol Blogfest

As you can see, we’re still working on the place. A few biographies have already been thrown up in the left hand column, and we’ve added some links to the bottom right column too. And, erm… that’s pretty much it. Expect further bios on people involved in Idol, not to mention more links as we discover half-decent sites.

Of course, this place will be positively buzzing once the show actually starts. And what can you expect from an ausculture.com reality show blog? Well, musings, poorly written rants, ridiculous and probably libellous statements, polls, links - and loads of other stuff too. All with a healthy dose of self-deprecating humour (hopefully).

In any case, if you haven’t seen it already, our Big Brother Blogfest is a good indication of what you can expect from us during the Idol season. Fingers crossed we don’t let you down, but most importantly - fingers crossed the show doesn’t let us down either. Can it ever live up to the first series? Sigh. As the great philosophers Bros once sang - I can’t answer, I can’t answer that.

But the clock is ticking, and less than two weeks, we’ll be able to start making that decision. Hope to see you round these parts nattering on about your opinions and basically enjoying the brainless ride. Oh - and if you ever want to contribute anything or tell me some astounding piece of gossip, feel free to email me at jess@ausculture.com. See you soon!