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ausculture.com February 12, 2008 11:14 PM
Horoscopes: 4th July - 10th July
Pisces
Many people long to be sexually attractive to the opposite sex - but you’ve taken it a little too far! Everyman and his dog is chomping at the bit to… erm, chomp at your bits. If this was Sweden, you could have both of them. As is, you might just have to wash five times a day to control the overpowering pheromones that ooze from every pore.
Aries
The ability to persevere is admirable. Being an obnoxious spanker who can’t take no for an answer is not. No one’s pointing any fingers, Aries. Well, just the one, and normally when your back is turned.
Taurus
Herpes is no laughing matter, and no matter what you might believe, that burning sensation is not normal. See a doctor.
Gemini
It’s a well established scientific fact that you’re a two faced twat. However, whilst insincere, you are also charming, and your bank balance draws people towards you. Give up the dream of having real friends, and indulge the hangers on - they’re the best kind of friend you’ll ever be able to get.
Cancer
It’s a topsy-turvy time for your sexuality, isn’t it Cancer? One minute you’re 110% gayer, the next you’re straighter than something very straight. Embrace the changes, go with the flow, and for god’s sake, use protection.
Leo
You live in an imaginary world where you’re the best looking person in the room and everyone loves you. Wake up and smell the coffee that you’ll no doubt be drinking alone. Your neediness alienates those close to you, as does your aversion to deodorant.
Virgo
Virgo is often associated with virgins, and isn’t that true in your case! And no, soft fruit doesn’t count, kiddo.
Libra
Named after a tampon, you’re used to soaking up mess. Either at home or at work, you’ll find you’re in the middle of a great drama, and all you can really do is sit back, soak it up, and wait to be flushed into the emotional cistern of serenity.
Scorpio
Known as one of the sexiest signs in the Zodiac, you’ve managed to overcome your birthright and be down right repulsive. Despite what you think, people at work CAN see you picking your nose, and they ain’t impressed. And yes, the cleaners have found your secret stash of boogers under your desk drawer. Disgusting.
Sagittarius
The quiet achiever of the signs. Well, you’re quiet but it’s been a hell of a while since you’ve achieved anything. Stop fantasising about a better life and accept your mediocre one. Only then will you meet the remarkably dull partner of your dreams.
Capricorn
Ahhh, Capricorn. Mother Nature’s greatest disappointment. For all the stupidity and sexually transmitted diseases of the the other star signs, they are at least somewhat INTERESTING! You, on the other hand, are boring boring boring. Not everything in life needs to be catalogued. Live on the wild side a little, you might enjoy the change of scenery.
Aquarius
Some people believe Gemini to be the most schizophrenic sign of the Zodiac. These people don’t have a fucking clue. You, and only you, know what you’re fully capable of. Another thing - the phrase “you might come into money” does not require you to begin masturbating on top of bank notes. We said INTO not ONTO - and besides, it’s very unhygienic.
Posted by Patrick at 11:45 PM Link | TrackBack (0)