The vacuum left by Big Brother has been filled by Twitter this year, which, just like the reality TV show, contains the good, the bad and the beautiful...

“Why get married? Two words: white goods. We have dubbed the washing machine ‘Jesus’ – it performs miracles.” – Angie Hart (@angiehartmusic)

“As small as a frog my parents said!” – Delta Goodrem (@delta_goodrem) on being born 12 weeks premature

“A minute’s Twitter silence is the dumbest idea I’ve ever heard. While you pansies are quietly remembering, I’m going to skullfuck an arsonist.” – Kevin Fuckin' Rudd (@KevinFuckinRudd)

“For those who keep asking: I am 173cm tall. Or as I like to call it, ‘Fun Size’.” – Rove McManus (@Rove1974)

“Humans are amazing...will elaborate later.” – Charlie Pickering (@charliepick)

“Is it ok to let my dog eat his vomit? His heartworm tablet’s in there. He needs it back inside.” – Claire Hooper (@hoopthereitis)

“Saw my first red back spider for real. She was quite pretty (even for a deadly eight legged nightmare).” – scream-queen Efisia (@01000101)

“Has anyone lost a pretty black elephant with broken-off feet and half a trunk? I found her in the petrol station.” – Lisa Mitchell (@lisahmitchell), just before leaving for her international tour

“The kids introduced me to the wonders of worm farming, what to do with worm poo...” – Kevin Rudd (@kevinruddpm)

“So just to be clear... does @kevinruddpm want to stop me from posting pictures of ballbags? Because I will motherfucking protest that shit.” – Jess McGuire (@jessmcguire)

“19 year old Syd kid. EXCUSE MY BEAUTY.” – Twitter bio of Dawson fan Jacqui Gaut (@jackgotjacked)

“I love Twitter, but every once in awhile, I’m like ‘Why waste time here when I can be spanking my dick?’ 2 minutes later I’m Tweeting again.” – Kevin Smith (@thatkevinsmith)

Silent Bob evidently not so silent when talking about his mate, Dick. And talking of dicks, time to sojourn from Twitter to Barnaby Joyce (though I’m sure Twitter isn’t safe from him)...

“Labor is so typical - every time they come in, marvellous ideas; it’s all, you know, fluffy clouds and funny spots on cows’ bottoms. But they never really are able to handle money.” – Barnaby Joyce, deluding himself that the country would ever allow him to hold the purse strings!

“Government is the entertainment arm of the corporate sector.” – RocKwiz, 17/10/09

“One regrets ever meeting Mr Grech!” – Malcolm Turnbull, post Utegate

“D’you know what they call a place that breaks the law every time there’s an emergency? Dictatorship.” – Dr Cal Lightman, terrorist attacks ep, Lie To Me

“My advice to Tony Abbott: don’t wear the budgie-smugglers – I think the budgie’s escaped.” – Barry Crocker

“At times all three of them, in their own ways, have been polarising.” – Tony Abbott on Kevin Andrews, Bronwyn Bishop and Philip Ruddock, his new front-benchers

No shit! And from a rare moment of truth in politics to a rare moment of truth in advertising:

“I mean, even at $3.90, I wouldn’t be seen dead in them.” – Rivers ad for plastic clogs

“This is where I get my sense of humour from – here in Adelaide, Ladies and Gentlemen.” – David Koch

“I have three cats. I am one cat away from a story on A Current Affair.” – Wil Anderson, Weekend, The Age, 24/1/09

“When they’re about 9 or 10 buy them some stock.” – money advice for parents on NBC’s Today

“Sounds too good to be true? That’s what we're about to discover!” – Mr T, introducing FlavorWave Oven infomercial

“...My grandfather was a plumber ... If you'd let me on stage he would put a toilet in your club.” – Michael Bublé

Worked out well for Bublé – now he’s flushed with success. Back in Australia, Network 7’s substitute for trustworthy media was peddling deadly poisons:

“Botox - why it really is good for you!” – promo for Today Tonight

“What is really sad is that her pert, perfectly in-proportion B-cup breasts become monstrous $10,800 C-cup half cantaloupes perched ludicrously on her svelte chest.” – Mark Ellis, The Age, 10/9/09, on an 18-yo getting a boob-job on doco About Women

“Two eyes?” – Kochie to Fifi Box, as she holds a large boa constrictor

“I change boyfriends like I change my underwear.” – Jessica, Aussie Ladette To Lady, 2009 (second season)

Clean-undied Jessica, who, after a final week Ladette party was still wasted the next morning, came third – Victoria can be proud!

And finally to another Victorian – one with very different sensibilities. Our favourite ex-blogger writes about danger addict Bear Grylls, who offers ‘useful’ survival tips on SBS’s Man Vs Wild...

“I don’t care how parched or stuck in the middle of the Kenyan desert I may be one day, I absolutely refuse to pick up a giant elephant dropping and squeeze it into my mouth until juice comes out.” – Marieke Hardy, The Age, 19/11/09

Strange things happen back ’o Bourke...

Clip: Network Seven

Image: Network Seven

Image: Network Seven

’Twas a fine Saint Ben’s Patrick’s Day to be sure! The water in the Ausculture dunny was died green in celebration!

Image: Network Seven

Ah, another year gone. Where did it all go? Not on writing blog posts, obviously!  :-p  But before we head off with irrational optimism into what will likely be a challenging year, there’s just time to look back on some memorable sound-bites from 2008. Once again, Big Brother provided rich pickings...

“What we want you to do is try to climb up that momentum cabinet and put it there on the step.” – Kyle Sandilands, endearing himself to the nation by making a hilarious comment at 1 metre Rima’s expense

Um, actually, Kyle, it would only be a ‘momentum cabinet’ after someone sent it careering in your direction. And those mysterious horizontal objects are called shelves. A little electroshock therapy and you’ll be as right as rain.

“I've got 280 grams and she's got 410 grams.” – Brigitte, comparing her fake breasts to Rebecca's

“I regret these so much. I wish I got your size.” – Brigitte, to Rebecca

Yes, Brigitte – how they even let a girl onto BB carrying less than 0.8 KG of silicon augmentation is frankly unfathomable.

“...I have actually been inside Zoo Magazine, but not as an actual Spreadsheet or anything like that.” – Brigitte

“Isn't that every guy's fantasy – a cat-fight over boobs?” – Nathan Morris on Big Mouth, after Bianca and Alice have one of the biggest stoushes in BB history over, yes, boobs

“And if you could cry, that would be great for TV.” – Mike to 6 yo Mia, as her mum's about to enter the House

“You've just got to feed a little bit – just like a horse – but not feed it too much, you know, like give it a bit and it moves back, and then you give it a bit more and it moves back; don't give it all to her at once.” – Cherry, on his strategy for cracking Brigitte

There you go, Brigitte, your breast work was totally worth it – you’ve attracted Cherry, a real catch!

“It doesn't work! It does not work!” – Falsetto Travis, after inhaling helium from a balloon

“...your first name may be Albert, but your last name's not Einstein, mate!” – Terrence to Brigitte's father, who Terrence astutely criticises for spoiling

Rory: “Is there any reason why my bucket is very small compared to Ben's?”

Big Brother: “Are you experiencing bucket-envy?”

“I recently had my house cleared of spirits – and Tony is a total sceptic and he thinks I'm a complete idiot – but there were 21 spirits in my house!” – Rebecca Wilson, Big Mouth co-anchor

Um, right. Moving swiftly along...

“I've never had any indication of mental instability other than people in my ceiling.” – troubled 000 caller (not necessarily Rebecca Wilson)

OK, we’d better move on to the safe subject of science...

“...it's almost impossible that these black holes can devour the experiment or Geneva or the Earth.” – Prof Jim Virdee, Imperial College, on the risks presented by the black holes it's predicted the Large Hadron Collider (LHC) experiment will produce

“...science is what we do when we don't know what we're doing...” – LHC scientist

So much for science being safe. Let’s dip our toe into politics...

“...I have my party meetings in front of the shaving mirror every morning, and sometimes I want to depose myself.” – quip on Q&A by Nick Xenophon, Independent Senator

“I love my country, but I think we should start seeing other people.” – Jeff, an American who vowed to renounce his citizenship should McCain win the Presidency, speaking on 3RRR – thankfully, he didn’t have to!

“This moment is especially uplifting.” – George W Bush on his party's loss of the Presidency to Obama

“I know that human being and fish can coexist peacefully.” – George W, leader of the Free World

George W will be sorely missed by collectors of bizarre quotes everywhere. And by no one else! And now, let us segue into the environment and assorted media nougats...

“...remember, saving the environment is everyone's responsibility – so just leave it to them!” – Rove

“His password is my name – to everything.” – a well-known radio personality, referring to her husband

“‘I eat sausages raw – have done for years.’ That's my kind of Australian!” – David Koch, Sunrise

“We had mastiffs.” – Nelson Aspen, Sunrise

“I love her to death.” – a Victoria man who set fire to the house, knowing his wife was inside – the woman survived, and defended her husband

“...I've come to believe that the best defence against the Black Dog is to get a real dog.” – Bill Leak

“...believed to be the first time in Olympic history a Briony and Sharleen have teamed up for an event.” – Peter Hanlon, The Age, on Cole and Stratton's appearance in the three-metre synchronised diving final

“Did a great job of rubbing Marino off...” – commentator Lori Chizik on a player getting past Lightning defender Angela Marino, Dandenong Rangers v Adelaide Lightning, WNBL Round 4

“I tell you when World Youth Day'll come – is in 9 months' time!” – HG Nelson, following World Youth Day

And finally, this, from Seven’s reality cop series The Force. The officer has just found a handful of jewellery in the suspect’s shorts during a frisk...

Officer: “You don’t know what’s in your own shorts?”

Suspect Lance: “No, they’re not my shorts, mate.”

“I'm allergic to pork, but not bacon or ham.” Well of course, Hayley, that makes perfect sense. Big Brother provided rich pickings in quotes this year, as the producers, unable to broadcast the customary debauchery, for once picked fairly diverse Housemates. Here are a few that no smorgasbord of 2007 quotes would be complete without:

“I'm not a stripper – I'm an exotic dancer.” — Jamie, talking in his sleep

“Billy, Joel, what a pair, just like Boo Boo and Yogi Bear.” — Embrace the Magic lyrics

“What did they say about punani? Is that an Indian dish?” — quip by Mike Goldman

“Is there a candle in your porridge?” — Harrison to Demet on her Birthday in The White Room

“It's weird missing someone that's next to you.” — Hayley to Andrew, during the pretence they are strangers

“Oh my god, they're cool!” — Aleisha, admiring Emma's fake boobs

“Dumped – on national television!” — TJ, to herself

“I AM NOT CRYING!” — Jamie, crying

“That's called ‘consoling’.” — Mike Goldman as a drunk Susannah kneels in front of Jamie in the toilet

“I might have to pee on your bum!” — Rebecca to Travis, who’s about to sit on an ice block

“D'you wanna use my sleeve? It's Ralph Lauren.” — Gretel to Andrew, crying at seeing Hayley on-screen

“Don't come that crying with me, mate!” — Michelle, having bullied Aleisha until she’s become distraught

“A wise man once told me that you shouldn't wrestle a pig, because the pig always wants to get muddy.” — Zoran, on Michelle

“50 years of Australian television and it's come to this – staring up a waiter from Melbourne's nose and playing a game called the Brainteaser! Whoever invented the television would be disgusted!” — Mike Goldman on Uplate

Yes, if John Logie Baird were alive today he’d be turning in his grave! But I should give some other quotes a sporting chance...

“The meek shall inherit the bench.” — Network 7 AFL commentator

“To be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved...and you can't trust John Howard, 'cause he says one thing and does another.” — Anthony Mundine

“Not redheads...” — Maria Sharapova, when asked by Jim Courier what kind of guy she goes for

“...she ended up landing on Cox.” — commentator Eloise Southby-Halbish, Netball World Championships

OK, I admit it – that last one was a bit juvenile. Thank goodness for:

“Within minutes of arriving in Flaccid, Katie's found buried treasure.” — Tony Robinson, Time Team

“I propose a limitation to be put on how many squares of toilet paper can be used in any one sitting.” — Cheryl Crow on tackling climate change — yes, really

“And woo-hoo!” — Winelovers Warehouse ad

Yes, some lucky scriptwriter got paid for penning that classic line! But there were occasional words of wisdom in 07 too:

“A free society will necessarily produce things you don't like.” — Clive James

“...love is all.” — Ian McKellen

“Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow.” — Lindsay Lohan!

And I’ll leave the last word to the message in my Christmas cracker:

“There is nothing noble about being superior to some other man. The true nobility lies in being superior to your previous self.” — Hindu proverb