Back when the site started in 2004 it was hosted on a Celeron 1000 PC in my spare room, running off a Telstra Bigpond cable connection. Now, anyone who ever owned a Celeron 1000 or who used Bigpond cable in 2004 might guess that this wasn’t sustainable for a site that gets more than one visitor a day. Since very early days ausculture.com has been getting at least two visitors a day, often as many as three.

So, some time in 2004 I moved the site over to another server where it has lived ever since more or less continuously - there were hiccups like me losing the domain but nothing major in terms of site live time.

Recently it became necessary to consolidate some hosting and so, with a certain amount of fear I undertook the task of moving ausculture.com to another server and hosting platform. Manually.

Ouch.

Moving db’s, files, mail, ftp accounts and re-installing both movabletype and the php engine that powers the homepage was an excruciating experience. Both hosts are external and I think I’ve had an ftp program running transferring files for the better part of three days (yes, I’m aware that the content pages could be rebuilt on the new server but for the blog, there’s actually quite a bit of… legacy content and I didn’t want poor old Googlebot not being able to find half of what it sees as ausculture.com.)

So, here it is. What I would call the final resting place of ausculture.com. It’s not moving from here (after all, it no longer produces content so it’s already on life support) so the site will be riding this hosting all the way to the bottom.

As a note, if anyone finds anything broken then let me know. I’m sure I missed something.

Let's see what we have here:

• women builders arse crack Pay attention porn site owners, it's all about finding a niche market.
• Wayne Rooney naked I know this one was listed before but... How disturbing is it that more than one person on earth has searched for this? or that one person has twice!
• i wet myself Seriously people. Google is not your incontinence therapist, or your cleaner.
• 55 year old womnan porn Is that typo on the word "woman" due to excitement or arthritis grandma?
• fix the fence with sticky tape Tried it. Didn't work. Maybe bubble gum?
• Still more various variations on sexual acts performed on an island. There were at least a dozen hits from that in the last month. If you feel the need to research this on the web then it's probably not going to matter if you're on an island or not because you'll be crap regardless. ok?
• big denise drysdale cleavage Errr.
• seriously, your body is a fucking wonderland John Mayer is seriously fucking kicking himself that he didn't think to embellish the lyrics like that.
• being fisted by an elderly male panda bear in coober pedy while high on GHB Actually, no one has ever found us via that but... now that ausculture.com will soon be the only result for that search it's only a matter of time.

And finally...

• piles fitech sex Anyone wanna have a guess at that?

OH NOES! FOR SOME STRANGE REASON, I'VE GROWN ATTACHED TO YER BLATHERING!

That's very kind of you and you shall be rewarded with a sly fondle in the not too distant future.

The good news? If you're into Big Brother rants, Australian Idol heckling, strange YouTube footage, deep analysis of the love lives of Australian soap stars etc, I will be banging such delights out with furious daily regularity on another site from Monday onwards.

OMG! WHAT? WHERE? HUH?

You're hearing it here first, dear readers. Through a clever combination of single entendres, emails containing nothing but photos of walruses holding/losing buckets, and seven compromising Polaroids featuring my new employer after a couple of bottles of Jose Cuervo licking liquid chocolate off the southerly cheeks of a Dutch dwarf porn star, I managed to convince someone to hire me and I will now be (un)gainfully employed as editor of Defamer Australia. This will be nice. Until I am fired.

LOL UR AN IDIOT, THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS DEFAMER AUSTRALIA!!!1!

There will be on Monday, spazzguts.

WHY WOULD I GO TO DEFAMER AUSTRALIA RATHER THAN DEFAMER.COM IN THE STATES?

Well, if you loathe my particular style of interweb idiocy, you probably wouldn't. But Defamer Australia is (hopefully) going to be the best of two blogworlds. We'll grab the best posts from the US site and publish them on Defamer Australia (translation: we'll sift out the Hollywood trades and industry stuff which tends to go over my head a bit but reproduce the high-larious posts about idiotic celebrities you've come to expect from Mark Lisanti and posse so you don't miss out), plus we'll have a tonne of local content.

CONTENT ABOUT JUST ABOUT THE FILM AND TV INDUSTRY, YEAH?

Nup. Here's where the aims of the two Defamers will differ. While the US Defamer does a brilliant job of focusing on that particular niche, Defamer Australia will manically leap from topic to topic - genre to genre, skin to skin, fun to funky. We'll not only discuss Australian showbiz as a whole and obsessively watch/review shithouse reality television programs, but we'll also report on the occasional Australian current event/hot news item. Last but not least, we'll also put in our two cents when it comes to overseas showbiz stuff, seasoning it with an Antipodean perspective. All in all, that's a lot of fucking stuff to read when you're bored at work.

YES.

(exhales)

Any questions?

Thanks to all of you who have so faithfully stuck by Ausculture since we started way back in January of 2004. Your emails and comments (and real life feedback, those of you I've been lucky enough to meet in the flesh), especially the support you threw my way when things were looking a bit dire last year, really meant the fucking world to me.

I'd also like to give a saucy wink to my posse of buddies in Melbourne (and Sydney!) who have so wonderfully kept me going over the past year and a half. Sometimes I find it hard to believe that I can call the funniest, kindest, cleverest and most talented people in the world my friends.

VOMIT!

LOLOLOLOLOL

WHAT ABOUT THE ACADEMY?

Frankly, the Academy did fuck all for me. And don't get me started on God...

x

PS: If you never saw the original Alanis parody, here it is.

Although darling friends of mine found the above warblings to be kinda amusing, I could never get past the fact that - despite Alanis displaying what suspiciously looks like a sense of humour - she still sounds like a cat being raped and her monotonous mewlings make me want to stab someone… anyone...

SO GOD BLESS PEACHES FOR REPRESENTIN', YO!

Muchos thanks to the beautiful Lee Lee for the link.

BLOKE FROM MOGWAI RE: KEITH RICHARDS.

Hi everyone. I just woke up to find that average blues guitar peddlar and all round unlikeable London pirate-like arsehole Keith Richard snorted his dad's ashes on a drug binge. Well done Keith, you talentless publicity hungry horrible prick of the highest order. He then goes on to say modern bands are a load of old crap. Right, but can we really listen to the opinions of a nasal cannibal?

Keith, your band are possibly the worst band in the history of human events, worse even than Placebo and The Reynolds Girls combined. Your posh English singer sings with an American accent about a load of old American prostitutes he met once and your guitar licks are Grade F. The sooner you die the quicker my Ladbrokes bet comes in between you and McCartney you old dick. I hope you kick the bucket in the most humiliating of ways, like on the toilet and then being eaten by your own dog. Stop living and give us peace you attention seeking non relevant oxygen thief.

SHARON OSBOURNE RE: JOSH HOMME.

I hope he gets syphilis and dies. I hope his dick fuckin' falls off so his mother can eat it.

Delightful.

UPDATE - The original embedded vid was a YouTube one, but it was yanked off the YouTube site due to copyright reasons. The only way to embed the clip from its original source (Funny Or Die) without making Ausculture look as though it had been on a pie-eating binge with Warney was to make it appear in the extended blog post. I don't know what I'm saying. The coffee is hitting me right now. BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE.

POINT BEING, CLICK THE BELOW LINK, MOTHERCHUCKERS, IT'S AMAZING.

In response to the Prime Minister's revolting defence of Alan Jones after the Australian Communications and Media Authority decided Jones' abominable comments regarding Middle Eastern Australians - a spray delivered right before the Cronulla riots of 2005 - were in breach of Australia's broadcasting code, Laws has piped up the following...

"You better ask yourself if this is the sort of individual you want articulating what you seem to think are the views of many Australians. It's very easy to pander to prejudice. Many of the most dangerous people the world has ever known did just that."

It's not often I find myself actually applauding when reading something on a website, but when I saw the above quote in this smh.com.au article, I most certainly did.

PS: This is chockers with relevant quotes.

PPS: One week until I can tell you what the dilly-o's happening regarding Ausculture! Woot!

(ridiculously long pause before leading into paragraph containing little to no actual information)

... that within two weeks you'll find out what the shizzle is going on here on this website! If you're the sort of person who gets pumped about Big Brother, Idol, trashy gossip, Logies heckling and other pop cultural delights (and Ausculture's spazzy, swear-filled take on such things), then head back here in a week and a half. There'll be good news.

Again, the phrase "good news" will only ring true if you don't want me dead. ARF! In any case, I'll be blogging again. A lot. And we're gonna have some fun...

x

But I just wanted to pop by to give you a few bits of info.

1. My laptop died! YES! THIS IS SERIOUSLY SHIT NEWS!
2. This means I only have sporadic access to the interwebs! At the library, for fucks!
3. And I don't have time to write proper pop culture stuff, so I just MySpazz blog about personal shit, and thems the only writering I be doing! Hence the silence here!
4. But it's not that I don't love you, Ausculture readers!
5. And hopefully, very soon, I shall be able to tell you about something which would lead to several blog postings a day, five days a week! About pop culture! Big Brother! Idol! Rubbish! Etc!
6. Nice, huh?

But until I have definite news for you, I'll just have to be vague. Fingers crossed, eh?

x

PS: If you're interested in my new love/hate relationship with Sudoku and other suck lame non-Ausculturey blog fodder, do some Googlestalking and find the MySpazz blog. And add me, for fucks. I am going to give the beautiful Genny B a run for her money friends-wise, or die trying.

x

*NOT STRIPPING**

**ALTHOUGH THIS MAY BE SUBJECT TO CHANGE/AVAILABLE RIDER.

Now I am in bed watching a documentary on Anna Nicole Smith , may her soul rest in peace . I reckon Howard K Stern did it . I hope he gets found out . He looks creepy .

Well, I suppose that's that then. Another case solved! Kudos, Inspector Allen!

Sorry for the silence (again x a million). Free wireless has disappeared from the house and I am typing this from the local library's computers. A LIBRARY! I hope I don't accidentally learn stuff. In any case, Born Dancin' and I are talking VERY SERIOUSLY about investing in speedy internet for our charming house. Can anyone suggest a company/deal for us? We have no idea how to go about these things. We are landline-less, if that helps influence your advice.

*Actually, Ally Spazzy is my favourite Chris Cester hater. Apparently he went mental at her during this year's Big Day Out tour about five minutes before he and Lily Allen got into a scrap. And when Chris was getting all crankypants at Ally, a member of Eskimo Joe stood beside him snickering approvingly... until Chris then turned on him. Ahh Bolivia showbiz... In any case, Ally has sworn to give me the scoop once I find my beloved dictaphone, although I think that's pretty much the story. Sigh. I need a coffee.

CAN WE WATCH SAID EPISODE, PLEASE?

I insist you do. It has been gently imbedded* below.

The bit where Simon has a jab about Donny smoking onstage in the final video is delicious, although the "punk dance" he does 6 minutes into the third clip makes me love him even more than I ever thought possible.

This is a genuine romance, people. I know he's gay and we don't know each other and all that other stuff but when you've found "the one", you can't let little things get in the way of the bigger picture.

I'd say the only thing really stopping me from settling down and becoming Mrs Simon Amstell is Ms Fits, a woman renown for her jealous streak and being mad as a cut snake, who would probably hunt me down and stab me if I managed to get my filthy paws on Simon before she did. Her obsession with him is about as unhealthy as mine. You can ask the wonderful Richard Watts, if you like. The poor man drew the short straw the other night and was sitting next to us as we squealed excitedly about how dreamy Simon is and how he might not really be gay if he met us and oooh, oooh did you see the interview he did with The Kooks YAYAYAY I FUCKING <3 1 DAT 1 BUT WHA BOUT DA BRITNEY ONE LOLOLOLOL DATS MY FAVE ME 2 AN HE GAV AWAY DA CHEEZE ON DA RED CARPIT @ DA BRITS CSIROMG DAT WAS DA BEST!

Yes, we talk like that in real life. It is incredibly unnerving.

*I am so juvenile, I actually snickered out loud when I typed "embedded". You can imagine the idiocy that ensued at the East Brunswick Club last night while I was doorbitching... for string ensemble Fourplay. Ahhh... good times.

You'd need to do something like ring your old ISP and somehow get your email account back. They're only human, they'll understand. Right?

Yes.

Unless you left them on less than amicable terms (for whatever reason) and you still owe them money.

Now, anyone who knows me would know that I'd never be so careless as to do all of the above. I'm just saying.