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being fisted by an elderly male panda bear in coober pedy while high on GHB
Disturbing Google search phrases XI
Peaches Takes The Piss Out Of Alanis (Taking The Piss Out Of Fergie)
Anyone going to the Playground Weekender festival?
A quick note that the ausculture.com homepage is now community powered. Go on, have a look, try it out.
Moving house…
For those of you who aren’t familiar with the “long” and “glorious” history of ausculture.com, The oldest surviving post is Email stupidity from the 28th January 2004.
Back when the site started in 2004 it was hosted on a Celeron 1000 PC in my spare room, running off a Telstra Bigpond cable connection. Now, anyone who ever owned a Celeron 1000 or who used Bigpond cable in 2004 might guess that this wasn’t sustainable for a site that gets more than one visitor a day. Since very early days ausculture.com has been getting at least two visitors a day, often as many as three.
So, some time in 2004 I moved the site over to another server where it has lived ever since more or less continuously - there were hiccups like me losing the domain but nothing major in terms of site live time.
Recently it became necessary to consolidate some hosting and so, with a certain amount of fear I undertook the task of moving ausculture.com to another server and hosting platform. Manually.
Ouch.
Moving db’s, files, mail, ftp accounts and re-installing both movabletype and the php engine that powers the homepage was an excruciating experience. Both hosts are external and I think I’ve had an ftp program running transferring files for the better part of three days (yes, I’m aware that the content pages could be rebuilt on the new server but for the blog, there’s actually quite a bit of… legacy content and I didn’t want poor old Googlebot not being able to find half of what it sees as ausculture.com.)
So, here it is. What I would call the final resting place of ausculture.com. It’s not moving from here (after all, it no longer produces content so it’s already on life support) so the site will be riding this hosting all the way to the bottom.
As a note, if anyone finds anything broken then let me know. I’m sure I missed something.
Posted by Patrick at 5:14 PM link |
2 comments
being fisted by an elderly male panda bear in coober pedy while high on GHB
The rest is up to your imagination. Including the answer to why Coober Pedy is so green.
4 comments
Disturbing Google search phrases XI
Before I start, this does not mark a return of the ausculture.com blog. I’m simply posting another batch of these because they’re generally funny… Also, this is not Jess. Check the author.
Let’s see what we have here:
- women builders arse crack Pay attention porn site owners, it’s all about finding a niche market.
- Wayne Rooney naked I know this one was listed before but… How disturbing is it that more than one person on earth has searched for this? or that one person has twice!
- i wet myself Seriously people. Google is not your incontinence therapist, or your cleaner.
- 55 year old womnan porn Is that typo on the word “woman” due to excitement or arthritis grandma?
- fix the fence with sticky tape Tried it. Didn’t work. Maybe bubble gum?
- Still more various variations on sexual acts performed on an island. There were at least a dozen hits from that in the last month. If you feel the need to research this on the web then it’s probably not going to matter if you’re on an island or not because you’ll be crap regardless. ok?
- big denise drysdale cleavage Errr.
- seriously, your body is a fucking wonderland John Mayer is seriously fucking kicking himself that he didn’t think to embellish the lyrics like that.
- being fisted by an elderly male panda bear in coober pedy while high on GHB Actually, no one has ever found us via that but… now that ausculture.com will soon be the only result for that search it’s only a matter of time.
And finally…
- piles fitech sex Anyone wanna have a guess at that?
2 comments
The Future Of Ausculture.
I have some bad news for you, kids… Ausculture isn’t going to be updated much from here on in. The odd sporadic post perhaps but essentially it’s gonna sit pretty on the interwebs as an archive of three years of mischief. Two years of mischief actually involving the process of updating and writing new material!
OH NOES! FOR SOME STRANGE REASON, I’VE GROWN ATTACHED TO YER BLATHERING!
That’s very kind of you and you shall be rewarded with a sly fondle in the not too distant future.
The good news? If you’re into Big Brother rants, Australian Idol heckling, strange YouTube footage, deep analysis of the love lives of Australian soap stars etc, I will be banging such delights out with furious daily regularity on another site from Monday onwards.
OMG! WHAT? WHERE? HUH?
You’re hearing it here first, dear readers. Through a clever combination of single entendres, emails containing nothing but photos of walruses holding/losing buckets, and seven compromising Polaroids featuring my new employer after a couple of bottles of Jose Cuervo licking liquid chocolate off the southerly cheeks of a Dutch dwarf porn star, I managed to convince someone to hire me and I will now be (un)gainfully employed as editor of Defamer Australia. This will be nice. Until I am fired.
LOL UR AN IDIOT, THERE’S NO SUCH THING AS DEFAMER AUSTRALIA!!!1!
There will be on Monday, spazzguts.
WHY WOULD I GO TO DEFAMER AUSTRALIA RATHER THAN DEFAMER.COM IN THE STATES?
Well, if you loathe my particular style of interweb idiocy, you probably wouldn’t. But Defamer Australia is (hopefully) going to be the best of two blogworlds. We’ll grab the best posts from the US site and publish them on Defamer Australia (translation: we’ll sift out the Hollywood trades and industry stuff which tends to go over my head a bit but reproduce the high-larious posts about idiotic celebrities you’ve come to expect from Mark Lisanti and posse so you don’t miss out), plus we’ll have a tonne of local content.
CONTENT ABOUT JUST ABOUT THE FILM AND TV INDUSTRY, YEAH?
Nup. Here’s where the aims of the two Defamers will differ. While the US Defamer does a brilliant job of focusing on that particular niche, Defamer Australia will manically leap from topic to topic - genre to genre, skin to skin, fun to funky. We’ll not only discuss Australian showbiz as a whole and obsessively watch/review shithouse reality television programs, but we’ll also report on the occasional Australian current event/hot news item. Last but not least, we’ll also put in our two cents when it comes to overseas showbiz stuff, seasoning it with an Antipodean perspective. All in all, that’s a lot of fucking stuff to read when you’re bored at work.
YES.
(exhales)
Any questions?
Thanks to all of you who have so faithfully stuck by Ausculture since we started way back in January of 2004. Your emails and comments (and real life feedback, those of you I’ve been lucky enough to meet in the flesh), especially the support you threw my way when things were looking a bit dire last year, really meant the fucking world to me.
I’d also like to give a saucy wink to my posse of buddies in Melbourne (and Sydney!) who have so wonderfully kept me going over the past year and a half. Sometimes I find it hard to believe that I can call the funniest, kindest, cleverest and most talented people in the world my friends.
VOMIT!
LOLOLOLOLOL
WHAT ABOUT THE ACADEMY?
Frankly, the Academy did fuck all for me. And don’t get me started on God…
x
Posted by Jess at 12:06 PM linkPeaches Takes The Piss Out Of Alanis (Taking The Piss Out Of Fergie)
And all is right with the world…
PS: If you never saw the original Alanis parody, here it is.
Although darling friends of mine found the above warblings to be kinda amusing, I could never get past the fact that - despite Alanis displaying what suspiciously looks like a sense of humour - she still sounds like a cat being raped and her monotonous mewlings make me want to stab someone… anyone…
SO GOD BLESS PEACHES FOR REPRESENTIN’, YO!
Muchos thanks to the beautiful Lee Lee for the link.
Posted by Jess at 10:46 AM link |5 comments
Angry Celebrities.
I quite liked the following two examples of celebrities losing their shit at each another. It tickled my funny bone and made me feel slightly better about being forced to wake up - slightly hung-over - at 4.45am this morning.
BLOKE FROM MOGWAI RE: KEITH RICHARDS.
Hi everyone. I just woke up to find that average blues guitar peddlar and all round unlikeable London pirate-like arsehole Keith Richard snorted his dad’s ashes on a drug binge. Well done Keith, you talentless publicity hungry horrible prick of the highest order. He then goes on to say modern bands are a load of old crap. Right, but can we really listen to the opinions of a nasal cannibal?
Keith, your band are possibly the worst band in the history of human events, worse even than Placebo and The Reynolds Girls combined. Your posh English singer sings with an American accent about a load of old American prostitutes he met once and your guitar licks are Grade F. The sooner you die the quicker my Ladbrokes bet comes in between you and McCartney you old dick. I hope you kick the bucket in the most humiliating of ways, like on the toilet and then being eaten by your own dog. Stop living and give us peace you attention seeking non relevant oxygen thief.
SHARON OSBOURNE RE: JOSH HOMME.
I hope he gets syphilis and dies. I hope his dick fuckin’ falls off so his mother can eat it.
Delightful.
Posted by Jess at 7:48 AM link |4 comments
Can I Have Four Beers?
On the off chance you haven’t seen this yet, here is the best piece of comedy Will Ferrell has ever put his name to. Seriously. It’s Day Two of watching it over and over and I’m still not sick of it. ‘Pearl’ makes me want to have a child… and teach it to get angry at people for my amusement.
UPDATE - The original embedded vid was a YouTube one, but it was yanked off the YouTube site due to copyright reasons. The only way to embed the clip from its original source (Funny Or Die) without making Ausculture look as though it had been on a pie-eating binge with Warney was to make it appear in the extended blog post. I don’t know what I’m saying. The coffee is hitting me right now. BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE.
POINT BEING, CLICK THE BELOW LINK, MOTHERCHUCKERS, IT’S AMAZING.
Continue reading “Can I Have Four Beers?”Posted by Jess at 6:51 AM link |
3 comments
Well, That’s Weird.
I’m pretty sure I’ve spent the majority of my life believing John Laws to be quite the spank lord. Lord knows I’ve found his quips in the past, in particular the ones he’s made regarding homosexuals, to be hideous and cringe worthy. But if I ran into him today, I think I’d shake his hand because he’s certainly - pleasantly - surprised me.
In response to the Prime Minister’s revolting defence of Alan Jones after the Australian Communications and Media Authority decided Jones’ abominable comments regarding Middle Eastern Australians - a spray delivered right before the Cronulla riots of 2005 - were in breach of Australia’s broadcasting code, Laws has piped up the following…
“You better ask yourself if this is the sort of individual you want articulating what you seem to think are the views of many Australians. It’s very easy to pander to prejudice. Many of the most dangerous people the world has ever known did just that.”
It’s not often I find myself actually applauding when reading something on a website, but when I saw the above quote in this smh.com.au article, I most certainly did.
PS: This is chockers with relevant quotes.
PPS: One week until I can tell you what the dilly-o’s happening regarding Ausculture! Woot!
Posted by Jess at 5:27 PM link |8 comments
April 11, 2007
Boo!
Fondling your base again, just briefly, to assure you… (ridiculously long pause before leading into paragraph containing little to no actual information) … that within two weeks you’ll find out what the shizzle is going on here on this website! If you’re the sort of person who gets pumped about…Posted by Jess at 12:03 PM Link |
9 comments
March 19, 2007
“Touching Base”
Urgh - I really hate the term “touching base”, it reminds me of years spent in a hideous office job surrounded by marketing types. And also, lovely attractive people whose friendship I cherish to this day (just in case some wonderful ex co-workers are reading…) But I just wanted to…Posted by Jess at 6:47 PM Link |
4 comments
March 1, 2007
Tonight on JJJ…
Just popping by to tell ye I’m doing another fill in on JJJ this evening from 1am to 6am. I’ve forgotten how to press the buttons and I’ve had very little sleep SO PREPARE FOR MADNESS! My partner in radio crime Clem Bastow can’t do the show with me this…Posted by Jess at 2:35 PM Link |
6 comments
February 26, 2007
Anyone going to the Playground Weekender festival?
That’s right, anyone heading to this in less than a fortnight’s time? If so, come and say hello. I will be doing “assorted things”* on a stage marked “Other” - coincidentally, often the box I find myself ticking on various forms. *NOT STRIPPING** **ALTHOUGH THIS MAY BE SUBJECT TO CHANGE/AVAILABLE…Posted by Jess at 10:07 AM Link |
4 comments
February 19, 2007
Anna Nicole Smith’s Mysterious Death Has Been Solved!
And by Lily Allen, no less! Luckily everyone favourite Chris Cester hater* has blogged her findings (RE:VICKI LYNN HOGAN’S PASSING) on her famed MySpazz blog… Now I am in bed watching a documentary on Anna Nicole Smith , may her soul rest in peace . I reckon Howard K Stern…Read “Anna Nicole Smith’s Mysterious Death Has Been Solved!”
Posted by Jess at 12:42 PM Link |
3 comments
February 11, 2007
More Buzzcocks Madness!
Remember when I gave you a heads up regarding the sweet genius of Never Mind The Buzzcocks last week? My dear chum Sean “Twice As” Butler commented on the post and mentioned a recent episode of the program where Simon Amstell used his razor sharp wit to slice and dice…Posted by Jess at 4:55 PM Link |
16 comments
February 9, 2007
Tips for domain registration
Auto renewal, using a credit card or debit card of some sort can make things easier… Until your credit card expires. Of course, if you manage a numer of domains under the same registrar it’s fine - you’ll notice next time you log in. Unless it’s that one domain…Posted by Patrick at 10:12 PM Link |
9 comments
February 6, 2007
Penelope Cruz and Olivier Martinez?
From news.com.au… KYLIE Minogue’s ex-boyfriend, Olivier Martinez, has been spotted in the arms of yet another woman, this time it’s actress Penelope Cruz.Britain’s Daily Mirror made a meal of photographs showing the French actor in an embrace with the Hollywood star at a Los Angeles hotel 12 hours after ending…Posted by Jess at 11:20 AM Link |
February 5, 2007
Welcome back
One day I’ll tell you all the story of how the ausculture.com domain registration went missing for two days. Perhaps next week. Until then… returning you to your scheduled programme….Posted by Patrick at 9:46 PM Link |
5 comments
Assorted Things To Begin Your Working Week.
NUMBER ONEYour first piece of reading for this morning… was Malcolm X a gayer? Quite an interesting article. Sure, I could have blogged about it when it was published in the middle of 2005 but I’ve been busy, people! NUMBER TWOIt’s been over two weeks since I found it through…Posted by Jess at 7:07 AM Link |
3 comments