We plan on stealing all their best work, because we’re shameless in that way. A site Big Brother would prefer didn’t exist but in your face, dude! It does!

Official Big Brother Site

We recommend the Diary if you particularly enjoy obsessing over the daily habits of people you would never actually want to spend time with in real life.

ausculture.com - Big Brother February 12, 2008 11:14 PM

I Predict A Riot, I Predict A Riot!

First the bloody election, and now this.

Last night started well. A last minute eviction party (please, no one point out how lame eviction parties are - I AM NOT IN THE MOOD) was being held at my abode, and esteemed Tim supporters like Nadine, LaLa, Ms Fits, Bob Ellis, Tuppence and Mr Tuppence (aka Bert) had turned up, all of them simply giddy with excitement and anticipation. I’d made a platter, for fuck’s sake! There was wine! PODS! I FOUND TWIX PODS! Everything was coming up Jessie.

Occasionally through out the evening, we would torture ourselves by wondering what it would be like if Gretel read out the name Logan Greg rather than Hot Spunky Lefty Tim.

“Pssshhhaw!” we scoffed at ourselves after thinking about it for a few seconds, “the Australian public MUST be able to see that Tim is the only deserving winner! They must be able to see that Logan David was a twat and he’ll get some of the cash if Greg wins! They must be able to see that Greg, other than tonguing the Paddle Pop lion from time to time, was generally only interesting whenever Lefty Tim kindly included him in mischief!”

Then Fits said “Ahh yes, but that’s what I thought about Latham too, and we lost that election!”

Cue uproarious laughter. Because it was going to be our night, friends. It was going to be our goddamn night and we could feel it in our bones.

We tried to deal with the awfully long wait to discover out the winner in various ways. We ordered Thai. We paced. We smoked. We watched video footage where I dropped a trophy on my head in front of the entire school, because Nadine, Lala, Fits, Tuppence and Bert are sadistic bastards who like to see me humiliated. We paced and smoked some more. Bob Ellis chewed up sticks furiously. At the time, I thought it was because, you know, she’s a dog. In hindsight, it’s quite clear Bob Ellis knew exactly what was about to happen (animals can anticipate tragedy, you know) and her aggressive chewing of wood was her way of coping. Maybe she was going to arrange the little chunks of spittle-covered stick to spell out a message like “DON’T WATCH IT’LL HURT YOU” and we were too flustered to notice. Sigh.

Five minutes before the announcement of the winner - we began making jokes about what we would do should - GOD FORBID - Tim not win. We discussed rioting. Drinking shots of scotch till we passed out. Calling in sick to work and tracking down everyone we knew who didn’t vote correctly and beating them about the head. We were nervous, but we also felt quietly confident that Tim would emerge from his Big Brother cocoon as a beautiful butterfly whose wings were made of over $800,000 cash. Hey, who let Gretel’s scriptwriter in?!

Three minutes before the announcement of the winner - our Thai food turned up. The delivery guy was grilled about his thoughts on Big Brother and whether he agrees that Tim is God. Slightly confused and clearly worried we were going to force him in the door and make him dance in a gimp outfit for our sick amusement, he mumbled in a hopeful manner “Yes, Tim is, ahhhh, good!”, still not entirely sure if he had given the correct answer or whether he’d be donning leather within minutes and forced to jive as we screamed “You’re a dirty little piggy, eh? DANCE, PIGGY!”

Forty seconds to announcement. Other Tim-lovers like Sherriff, Sugar, Hotman Paris, Clem, Dirty Derek and Fop were in our hearts - and the beloved Genny B was on speakerphone, breathing heavily and referring to family cars she and Tim would need for their children.

Announcement time. It’s a blur, I tell you. I heard “……… Lo -” and felt my heart sink.

“………gan Greg!” Gretel spat out.

Fits leapt up in the air, bewildered and fuming. Nads and LaLa, clutching each other on the couch, let out a collective howl of disappointment. Tuppence and Bert decided there and then to name their firstborn Lefty Tim - and shed a tear or three.

The next few minutes feel a bit surreal. I assume the show continued, but I was distracted due to Fits starting a riot in my very own backyard. She furiously kicked over two hapless outside chairs and then spied an innocent looking rake against the fence. “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” she raged at the heavens, and hurled the rake like a spear of the Gods at the already brutalised seats. A few swift kicks of the garage door later, she seemed slightly - SLIGHTLY - calmer.

We grieved. We ate some Thai food. We played a game called “Future Predictions!” which went along the lines of announcing to the table “FUTURE PREDICTION - IN TWO YEARS TIME, THE LOGANS APPEAR ON THE COVER OF WOMAN’S DAY SELLING THEIR EXCLUSIVE STORY ‘OUR COCAINE AND HOOKER HELL’”

It wasn’t enough. We were still antsy and couldn’t find an appropriate way to vent. Either Nads or Fits suggested driving out to famed If you voted Liberal…” wall and changing “Liberal” to “Logan” but it sounded like a lot of effort, and we’re members of the Latte Left, remember?

So we did the only thing a pack of surly left-leaning immature fools could do.

We formed a band.

Named after a vague and menacing threat directed toward poor old Housemate Ol after he told the table of grieving eejits that he “didn’t care either way” about the Big Brother finale, our brand new punk band The Riot In Your Anus ran upstairs to the attic and began writing down exactly how we felt. Needless to say, the word ‘cunt’ is used. A lot. And by the end it deteriorates into angry primal screams. But goddamnit, it’s how we felt and we sang our guts out. In fact I’ve no doubt my housemates will readily attest to just how noisily we wailed at 11pm.

Do you want to hear the song?

Well, I can’t upload it onto ausculture.com due to my home internet dial up thingo dying and not being able to access stuff at work. But for the first twenty (?!) unlucky downloaders, the song should be available through You Send It. Download it by clicking here (SEE BOTTOM FOR UPDATE) (BOTTOM OF POST, YOU FOOLS, NOT YOUR ‘BOTTOM’ BOTTOM) (MUST STOP WATCHING BRITISH COMEDIES FROM THE LATE SEVENTIES EARLY EIGHTIES).

Our first single?

Tim After Tim

Fuck this nation
Fuck it good
Tim should have fucking won
Yes he fucking should

CUNT CUNT CUNT CUNT
CUNT CU-CUNT
I HATE YOUSE FUCKIN CUNTS!
x 2

Boring fucking arseholes
Those motherfucking Logans
They’re about as shit-filled
As a wetsuit full of grogans

TUPPENCE - That’s when you do a shit in your wetsuit.

CUNT CUNT CUNT CUNT
CUNT CU-CUNT
I HATE YOUSE FUCKIN CUNTS!
x 2

TIM! Fell for a Lib called Kate!
TIM! Got buffed lifting weights!
TIM! Got behind those gays!
LOGANS! What did they ever do?

—- DRAMATIC SILENCE —-

FUCK THIS NATION!

CUNT CUNT CUNT CUNT
CUNT CU-CUNT
I HATE YOUSE FUCKIN CUNTS!
x 2

Ooooooooooooooh

Timothy!
I’m living with this tragedy
The nation’s broken our dreams
Now all I hear is nightmare screams

CUNT CUNT CUNT CUNT
CUNT CU-CUNT
I HATE YOUSE FUCKIN CUNTS!
x whatevs

Cough.

Hey, I never said it was a mature attempt at songwriting. Personally, I sort of adore it - especially at the end when timing goes out the window and you can literally hear us rolling around yelling and swearing, united in pain and our love of “the music”.

WHERE TO FROM HERE, JESS?!

Oh - I’ll tell you where to from here, alright!

I’ve noticed a pattern - if I root for something, it loses. Full stop. End of story. My support is a deathly blow for any cause I feel passionate about. This is just like that frightening period during the early to mid nineties when I realised that as soon as I put up a poster of a spunky rock star or actor on my wall, they’d suddenly die. Sorry Mr Phoenix, Mr Cobain and Mr Lee.

So from now on? I’m a Liberal through and through. I LOVE John Howard! I care about interest rates! Woomera? Stop your whinging, queue jumpers! Gay marriage? NO THANKS, TOLERANCE IS JUST A POLITICALLY CORRECT WAY OF IGNORING YE OLDE SCHOOL EVIL! Vanstone has replaced Angelina as my Lez Crush, and I believe in Tom & Katie, I really do.

THE END.

UPDATE: The ever adorable Daniel Boud isn’t just the world’s greatest photogroper, oh no. He’s also a lover of all things rock - and after having a listen to the debut single of The Riot In Your Anus, he’s kindly volunteered to host the mp3 on his magical Boudist server. Couldn’t you just eat him up with a spoon?

Anyway, download “Tim After Tim” by The Riot In Your Anus by right clicking and saving this. And maybe turn your speakers down x

Oh, and all busted links should be fixed now. PHEW, etc!

Posted by Jess at 1:29 PM link |

Oh, Happy Day!

Tim remains in the house, Vesna - a cult favourite - has been evicted tonight, and I have a warm tingly feeling in my tummy that Logan Greg is gonna suffer from Blair-itis, leaving Our God as the (truly deserving) winner.

I LOVE YOU TIMMY! BUT IN A MATES WAY COS GENNY B IS GOING TO MARRY YOU!

GOOD OLD LEFTY TIM FOREEEEEVER!

Posted by Jess at 11:37 PM link |

Tell The World You Love Lefty Tim!

Alright gang - let’s get rocking, shall we? Below are four different pro-Tim banners you are more than welcome to bang onto your site and\or anywhere else you like in order to reveal your adoration for the lanky clever one to all and sundry. Just copy the code below the picture you like and slap it somewhere in your template. Or something.

I Support Lefty Tim! And that's why ausculture.com loves me.

<img alt=”I Support Lefty Tim! And that’s why ausculture.com loves me.” src=”http://www.ausculture.com/blog/images/tim1-170x100.jpg” width=”170” height=”100” border=”0” />

Lefty Tim Is My God! ausculture.com assures me that Timism is far better than Scientology.

<img alt=”Lefty Tim Is My God! And that’s why ausculture.com loves me.” src=”http://www.ausculture.com/blog/images/tim2-170x100.jpg” width=”170” height=”100” border=”0” />

<img alt=”Lefty Tim For PM! ausculture.com want to touch my special place.” src=”http://www.ausculture.com/blog/images/tim3-170x100.jpg” width=”170” height=”100” border=”0” />

<img alt=”I Want Lefty Tim As My New Best Friend! Because he is pretty and kind and clever and ausculture.com told me he was touched by the hand of God.” src=”http://www.ausculture.com/blog/images/tim4-170x100.jpg” width=”170” height=”100” border=”0” />

Here is a voting strategy that has been worked out by a few of us Tim-lovers which I recommend you follow, no doubt much to the extreme delight of Legion Interactive and the nation’s mobile phone carriers.

FOR EVERY VOTE YOU SEND TO VESNA, SEND TWO TO GREG.

Well, it made sense after a beverage or three the other evening.

Remember - we cannot be complacent.

Even if (SCREAM, YOU IDIOT, ETC) you do not like Tim all that much, try to imagine Andrew Bolt’s face next time he sits down to write his almost monthly “Reality Television Proves Aussies Are Nothing Like The Latte Left Reckon They Are!” column and steam explodes from his ears and nostrils as he tries to avoid mentioning the fact the nation got behind a Union supporting, rainbow loving, Howard loathing Leftist lad.

CARN TIMMY! ALL THE WAY!

PS: Without giving away too much, there may be a theme song for Timmy available later tonight. It’ll be shit, and that’s the way you like it (uh-huh, uh-huh).

UPDATE - Buck Fudd has emailed and suggested that we add into the cut-and-pastable code above an automatic link back to ausculture.com so that people know where to congregate and talk about Tim with our non-typing hands down our pants and\or texting Vesna or Greg to 19 10 10.

I had briefly considered it originally but I didn’t want to look like a scheming cunt who simply wanted to draw in more blog readers in a thinly disguised attempt to use The Goodness Of Tim for feverish nerdy selfish desires. Which is not to say I’m not a scheming cunt, I just don’t want to look like one.

That said, those who know how to are more than welcome to add dork code to the pics to send people over to this very post in order to rustle up the troops - it’s entirely up to you, banner-haverers.

Posted by Jess at 5:06 PM link |

A Message For Tim Brunero Fans

Kids, you’ve all been absolutely right in the comments - except for the tool who had a go at dear old Timmy. The pro-Tim movement must get… moving! We must band together and ensure Our Man in the house emerges as the rightful winner.

Rest assured that ausculture.com’s official Tim To Win Big Brother! campaign will be kicking off tomorrow and I hope (and expect!) everyone to get behind it.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO HELP?

Email any ideas, stories (remind me of any glorious Tim moments I might have forgotten - quotes especially appreciated) and most importantly, photos and pics of Timmy you think would come in handy. Or make me come in handy (HAHAHAHA… sorry) to leftytimtowin@gmail.com.

ausculture.com expects every one to do their duty.

(As for the 19 10 10 Vesna versus 19 10 10 Greg dilemma, my advice is for every vote you send Vesna’s way, send two to Greg. Just to be sure.)

Posted by Jess at 2:10 PM link |

URGENT ANNOUNCEMENT REGARDING TONIGHT’S EVICTION

transcribed aurally to la nadine direct from pre-eviction drinks

CAN’T GIVE TOO MUCH AWAY. SMS ‘VESNA’ TO 19 10 10. I KNOW WE’RE ALL EXPECTING MARBLE-MOUTHED MEL TO GO, BUT TEAM BLOGGER IN DREAMWORLD ARE ON A MISSION FROM GOD. TRUST US.

BY THE WAY, WE SAW KATE - REGRET TO SAY SHE’S REALLY, REALLY HOT IN THE FLESH. AND WAS BEING NICE TO ALL THE KIDDIES. PRETTY SURE SHE STILL HATES THE GAYS THOUGH.

REMEMBER - LOOK FOR ‘FREE KATIE’, ‘Y’ALL DON’T EVEN’, ‘GEE’ AND ‘I (HEART) TIM’.

Posted by Jess at 7:41 PM link |

And So It Goes…

With one swift kick to the Birdcunt from the nation, Thatcher has left the Big Brother building.

News Ltd are all over the story. The link to the article on the news.com.au home page states “Big Brother’s Kate fell victim to a gay lobby push to have her evicted” and as we all know, ‘gay lobby’ is just another way of saying The Pink Mafia. How many times does Sir Elton John have to appear in documentaries regarding the issue before people will begin taking The Power Of The Gays seriously? Foolish, foolish Kate.

I’ve got to be honest - I selfishly wanted Melanie to go this week so when I attend this weekend’s eviction, I wouldn’t be bored to death during the highlights package and post-eviction interview. My only real hope is that Melanie isn’t nominated at ALL this week, leaving Logan Greg - and lord knows, I don’t hate him but it’s simply at that point in the series where I need to make some hard decisions - as our choice evictee.

When Gretel announced Kate’s name last night, I actually exclaimed “Noooooyeeeesnoooo!”. Because not only am I emotionally torn between administering punishment to naughty housemates via Legion Interactive and seeing my own selfish dreams fulfilled, but I am the sort of loser who talks out loud at the television when there’s no one else in the room.

Despite the depressing\excellent\awful\pleasing turn of events, there were some highlights in the show last night. Here they are listed for prosperity.

Gretel Looked Superb!
Flowing hippy hair, nice baggy tie-dye clothing - she looked like a woman who had been recently refreshed by a trip to Byron Bay. I half expected a brood of children clad in hand-me-downs with names like Summer and Ozone and Buddha to be gathered around, pressed up against her motherly legs and burying their faces in her rainbow dress shyly as she spoke to the audience.

And the jewellery? Magnificent. It was so wonderful to see Gretel supporting a return to the halcyon days of the early nineties when every man and his dog enjoyed making Fimo accessories. As I gazed upon her lumpy red and blue neck ornament, I could easily visualise the chubby fingers of the Maroochydore After School Club members rolling and prodding the clay into shape before baking it for ten minutes, slapping on some cheap paint and posting it off to Channel Ten as a gift for Gretel. Warmed the cockles of my heart, it did.

Vesna!
Yes, we’re at a point where Vesna simply appearing on screen is a highlight. But my favourite specific Vesna moment was when Gretel questioned her about her tracksuit ensemble. Vesna replied saucily “If it’s good enough for Britney, it’s good enough for me!” Words to live by. I muttered something similar the other week when I let Kevin Federline make frenzied, Alsatian-like love to me in a public toilet block.

Kate’s Blue Eye Shadow!
Actually, hang on - I hate Kate’s blue eye shadow. Why does she insist on smearing it all over her eyelids each eviction night? ITS NOT EYESHADOW WE WANT, KATE! WE LIKE YOU WEARING COPIOUS AMOUNTS OF EYELINER! GET IT RIGHT!

Timmy Crying His Heart Out!
Isn’t he adorable and sensitive and swarthy? DON’T QUESTION MY INTERPRETATION OF EVENTS!

Anyway, life goes on post-eviction.

On a slightly different topic, I note that a few people have made reference to me not being unbiased about the show and passing judgement too harshly and quickly on certain housemates.

Deep down, I don’t hate anyone who appears on reality television. Except Carlo from Series Three Big Brother. But hell, these people are on a reality television show where they are basically asking the Australian public to judge their personality and if they’re not found wanting, award them a rather large cash prize. I am not the United Nations. I am not particularly fair or unblinded by affection. I am utterly fickle and my loyalties change almost hourly. I do not pretend otherwise, kids. It’s a telly show, we’re a rubbish website and I tend to shit out opinion pieces about people I’ll never meet. Please be aware that like Rita, that’s just the way I am AND I CAN NEVER CHANGE SO CEASE POINTING OUT MY FAULTS, GOD LOVE YOU.

Ahem. So truth be told, Kate might not be the devil’s spawn. She might be a daft young thing who made a stupid comment and backed it up with a ridiculous justification. She may just need to be ‘educated’ as so many people have argued both here and on various Big Brother messageboards.

But it’s good she didn’t win. It makes me smile. And Timmy’s gonna go all the way, I can feel it in my bones.

Posted by Jess at 6:12 PM link |

Thatcher-Birdcunt & Vesna Discuss Tim’s Unfortunate Kate Crush

Kate: It must suck, for him. Can you imagine liking someone?”

Vesna: No, I’ve never liked anyone in my life.

A brilliant response to an astoundingly stupid comment. Vesna is really quite superb.

Last night while watching the Big Brother daily show, I decided to see whether the fact Thatcher is a manipulative lady who whinges constantly about Tim’s feelings for her to gain sympathy from the public\other housemates and yet simultaneously subtly flirts with him in order to give him feelings of hope and encouragement was blindingly obvious to someone who doesn’t watch the show.

I decided to grill Housemate Steve - the only member of our share house of love who has managed to avoid the show like the plague. He’s also a boy (certified by medical authorities nearly 27 years ago, I believe) so he was able to give me a Straight Male Perspective on the issue.

He watched Kate, Tim and Greg in the diary room talking to Big Brother. He watched Kate’s hands linger on Tim’s shoulder. He watched her fingers gently outline the words “Shag me, Timmy” on his back. He watched her giggle girlishly and flash her big gummy conservative smile in the hapless Tim’s direction.

VERDICT - Thatcher is definitely flirting with Lefty Tim.

Some will screech upon reading the above “Goddamn you, Jess! Can’t a girl just be nice to a boy without her motives suffering from misconstrusion?! Are you even intellect, for fuck’s sake?!”

I understand that sometimes girls are nice to boys, and boys with easy hearts can read it the wrong way and develop crushes that put everyone in an awkward, awful position.

But there’s something about Kate I just don’t trust - and it started before the recent homophobia scandal. When she tearfully nominated Logan David to stay the other week rather than Logan Greg (who we all know she liked more), I couldn’t help but feel her choice had less to do with her believing “David really wanted to be on the show and it was his idea” thus keeping him was the right thing to do, and more to do with her being savvy enough to realise Greg would be more popular with the audience. Keeping David increased her chances of winning the prize money.

It is with this same anti-Thatcher paranoia that I suspect Kate gives Tim little snippets of encouragement now and then and just when he feels comfortable enough to talk to her about his feelings again, she immediately switches into damsel in distress mode. Her attempts to blacken Timmy’s reputation MAKES MY HEART HURT AND A FIERY MURDEROUS FEELING OF RAGE BURN INSIDE MY HEAD.

Add to that her reaction to Tim’s hilarious cross dressing “free your mind” rambling (telling Mel stuff along the lines of “That’s creepy, he seemed to enjoy it too much, I think he got an erection”) which struck me as an obvious attempt at putting anti-Tim ideas in a fellow housemate’s head.

DAMN HER! DAMN HER!

This is why you should text Melanie to 19 10 10, and then REALLY kick Kate’s arse in an overwhelming landslide of an eviction the week after. Cough.

Posted by Jess at 1:41 PM link |

This Is The Hottest Picture Ever.

Look at this photo. Look at it.

Scream! I feel funny in my tummy!

It is utterly amazing. Fantastic. It makes me giggle in a girlish manner and turn a flustered shade of pink in the cheeks region.

Look at it again.

Why did I choose to give up smoking now? WHY?

My beloved Foppybear and I spent ten minutes on the phone together looking at the pic simultaneously and sighing in a vaguely disconcerting manner.

Let’s see it again.

I think I want my boyfriend to be gay. So does Fop, coincidentally.

Fop has written a wonderful post about this photo on his blog which you must read. If only to see the image used five times in one post.

We can’t be alone in finding it completely hypnotic. I rang Nads and she agrees with us. Do you?

DO YOU?

Have my babies, boys.

That is all.

Posted by Jess at 3:30 PM link |

We Need To Have A Chat About Kate.

By now you’ve all heard about Kate’s homophobic idiocy on last night’s Uncut. Before I kick this post off though, I should mention that I haven’t seen the footage of the post boypash conversation personally as I was busy having a farewell dinner with my sister and nephew* last night. I’m having to go from website reports on what happened.

Anyway, let’s kick off with a transcript of the chat thanks to Cheeky from the Behind Big Brother Forums. Follow the link and you’ll be able to see Kate’s explanation as to why she has the following attitude - for those who can’t be bothered clicking, it can be summed up with “gay boyfriend during teenage years”.

(Greg and Tim complete their task)

Christie: One more. A bit of tongue and a bit longer.
Rita: A bit of tongue!
Kate: No I’ll be.. I’ll vomit! No! A thousand times satisfied, that was disgus - I’m homophobic.
Greg: It’s majority rules; relax.
Rita: There’s a difference between a kiss and a pash. That was just a kiss.
Kate: That was the biggest pash I’ve seen in my whole entire life!
Greg: No it was a slow… It was good.
Christie: Yeah, that was good.
Mel: Have you ever grabbed a f…
Kate: I’m homophobic! That really freakin scared the shit out of me.
Greg: Yeah because I’m a bloke kissing another bloke…
Rita: If I had to kiss a chick, it wouldn’t matter.
Greg: Yeah I know that! It doesn’t matter, it’s sexy for that to happen.
Rita: You know what Dave? I mean Greg. It’s sexy for chicks to watch that too!
Kate: No it’s NOT!
Rita: It is for me.
Kate: Oh my G-d, I was so … ewwww
Rita: It turns me on when guys pash.
Kate: The truth is when it comes to boy on boy, it really scares the..
Rita: It wasn’t a pash, it was kinda like a (kissing sound)
Kate: Why does it make you angry to hear me say that?
Tim: Well, cause I just think… someone like you, as enlightened as you are, should not have those attitudes. That is so stupid to even say that.
Kate: But it is so real.
Tim: Just because something is hard to accept does not not mean … Homophobia is a term which refers to hate. And you don’t hate it and I don’t know why you would label yourself like that and … You’re an open minded person, with liberal ideas and I don’t know why you would say that about yourself. It’s stupid, it’s not something to joke about. I don’t think it’s something to joke about.
Kate: I’m not joking, it really fears me.
Tim: You don’t hate it though; homophobia is about hate.
Kate: I hate it.
Tim: Just because you find it icky… YOU HATE IT?
Greg: What happened … I don’t hate it
Kate: I don’t hate it but I hate seeing it.
Greg: I’ve got a lot of mates that are gay…
Kate: I don’t like seeing it.
Greg: That doesn’t, that doesn’t …
Rita: It doesn’t mean hate. It means fear. It does mean fear.
Greg: I’ve got mates that are gay, man.
Tim: It probably does mean fear.
Kate: It is a fear; it’s not a hate. I fear it. I personally fear it.
Greg: Why do you fear it?
Kate: Because I’ve had it … You don’t understand. I fear it.
Greg: You’ve had what?
Kate: You know what I’ve had.
Tim: I think some of your phobias and some of your dislikes are… I won’t use the word manufactured, but I certainly think an indulgence. And I …
Kate: Absolutely! It’s a substance of society. I can see a naked woman and be fine with it.
Tim: It’s not a substance of society.
Kate: It is!
Tim: What I’m saying is you allow yourself, from not pulling yourself together, to wallow in them like a buffalo in a swampy river. Prejudice is not something to allow yourself, to enjoy because it …
Kate: I don’t disendow it, I just prefer not to see it. I don’t want to be around it.
Mel: Yep, and there are some sides of homosexuality that she does fear.
Rita: Can I just say something?
Kate: I totally fear it. I felt sick when you did that. Seriously, my stomach felt sick. The fact that you didn’t put your hand up there and pretend to do it made me feel sick.
Tim: That’s not the spirit of what we were asked to do.
Kate: Fuck the spirit. It was a man kissing another man.
Tim: But at the end of the day, I didn’t particularly want to kiss Greg, but…
Kate: Regardless, you did!
Greg: Yeah .. Wait a min, wait wait wait hang on…
Kate: If you didn’t want to do it, you would would have put your hand there.
Greg: For fucks sake.

THINGS WE CAN CONCLUDE FROM THE ABOVE TRANSCRIPT

* Homophobia is so boring and shit.
* Besides, everyone knows gay is the new black.
* In fact, it’s trendy to be gay. By the way, follow that link and read the article when you get a moment. It’ll remind you of how sanctimonious, self-righteous and cunty people can be.
* But back to Big Brother!
* Kate is an idiot.
* Kate will not win Big Brother now.
* Tim is utterly wonderful.
* Tim is also far too patient when it comes to Kate.
* Greg’s attitude has surprised and impressed me.
* Mel should be quiet.
* No, Rita. You are simply physically unable to “just say something” - not without rambling on for hours at a time. I love that everyone ignored her when she began pleading for attention. Good thinking, team.

Oh, Thatcher-Birdcunt. What were you thinking? Buggerfuck, indeed. Since Kate’s up for eviction this week (along with the delightfully insane and shouty Vesna and the Marlee Matlin-voiced Melanie) it’s fair to say that Kate’s stance on The Gays will be the final nail in her Big Brother coffin. Some may insist Kate was just expressing the fact that she doesn’t get turned on (unlike - shudder - Rita) by men kissing and that this isn’t the same as homophobia. However, Kate’s repeated (and proud, from all reports) declarations of “I’m homophobic. I hate it. It makes me sick.” tend to speak for themselves.

REASONS TO VOTE KATE OUT
* She has serious issues with gay men!
* She strings Tim along (and he lets her, but shh)!
* She’s a conservative!
* She gets jealous of people feeding the pigs!

Fair reasons indeed. I’m all for Kate losing Big Brother and getting grilled by a gays-loving Gretel at her eviction, swear to God. However…

COMPELLING REASONS TO KEEP KATE IN ANOTHER WEEK
* If she stays in just one more week, I will be at her eviction. Wearing a shirt that says “Boys Will Be Do Boys!”. Waving Queer As Folk posters in the air and passing out photocopied excerpts of Brokeback Mountain. WON’T THAT BE GOOD?!

As ever, I leave it in the public’s hands. Seriously - Kate is shit and needs to go… but can’t it be when I’m there to heckle her personally? Can’t it, God?

(slaps self)

Sorry. I needed that. I was being selfish. Vote Thatcher-Birdcunt out and feel good about it. Besides, as my dearest fellow Big Brother addict pointed out to me this morning, if Kate’s out this week it means she’ll be signing autographs at the cocktail party before the show I will be attending. Which ought to make it easier to spit out a pithy one-liner at her before primly informing her Tim is now considered a heartthrob and her taste in men absolutely blows goats. Then, right before I haughtily turn away, I’ll slip her a note that says “I do respect your focused and frantic method of masturbating in the sauna though.”

Sounds like a plan, I reckon.

* Just to share, they’re heading back to London this morning. I should mention I have the coolest seven year old nephew in the world. When we walked into the church for my other sister’s wedding in Perth, he began loudly singing “I’ve got soul but I’m not a soldier.” He enthusiastically chats to me about the merits of Bloc Party (who he “managed to catch” at the London Astoria not long ago) and this morning as we said goodbye, he assured me he’d miss me and loves me “but in a mates way” since girls are gross. Good god! Still, I fucking love how rock and roll he is.

Posted by Jess at 3:31 PM link |

Goodbye Rita! Goodbye Christie!

I wanted to write a killer recap about last night’s double eviction, I swear to God. I was going to mention how Rita is the most annoying person to ever walk the earth and how Gretel is under some sort of delusion that Christie was ace in the house rather than just trampy and dim. I was going to mention that Christie, like so many of the Big Brother evictees who have come before her since the show started in 2000, was remarkably more likable once she was onstage chatting to Gretel. I may have added that Vesna is adorable in a screechy way, and that Greg’n’Kate could well end up pashing should Big Brother supply the house with alcohol at some point this week. Hell, knowing me I probably would have brought up the fact TIM IS A GOD WHO IS SO HANDSOME AND SEXY! LEFTY TIM’S FRIENDS - DO YOU READ THIS BLOG? CAN YOU ARRANGE FOR ME TO BE HIS BEST FRIEND KTHX

But I can’t really get into any of that right now because I have to tell you something.

It looks as though this young gal may well be going to an eviction in two weeks. Can you believe it? CAN YOU? I certainly can’t.

It will be the boozy road trip to end all boozy road trips. For the first time EVER, ausculture.com will be reporting live from a tin-shed filled to the brim with dribbling stupid and deranged folk - the sort who turn up to live shows at Dreamworld wearing crap t-shirts and waving idiotic banners. Oh, who am I kidding - I will BE one of the dribbling stupid and deranged folk at a live show wearing a crap t-shirt and waving an idiotic banner. May God have mercy on my soul.

T-shirt and banner slogan suggestions welcome x

Posted by Special Guest at 5:36 PM link |

A Quick Big Brother Recap

Hotdogs Left!
This was a good thing. He was sucking up to Dean faaaaar too much. Did we all love it when Gretel joked - several times - that Hotdogs had fallen in love with Dean? I squealed in delight.

Dean Left!
This was a BRILLIANT thing. I shared the moment with a few of my most beloved of peeps over at the abode of Ms Tuppence and her charming fellow. Tuppence made us champagne with crushed strawberries (which I could not touch due to my new alcohol free lifestyle\alcohol poisoning on Sunday night), strawberries dipped in chocolate and PINK CUPCAKES! I cannot think of a better way to see a fuckstick like Dean get his comeuppance.

Tim Rules!
Yes, he really does! But I do hope he stops moping over Kate and focuses on being hilarious and wonderful and truly, deeply sexual.

Kate Is A Furious Frigger!
Deadset! Last night’s Uncut episode literally left me with my jaw on the floor. She took Christie into the sauna for… for… a wank! I could NOT believe it - Christie I knew would have no qualms about a bit of bean twiddling in the house, but Thatcher? Instigating matesy masturbation sessions? I was floored. Christie chatted the whole way through but Kate’s mind was on one thing and one thing only. Whenever Christie said anything, Kate would merely grunt distractedly in reply and the whole time her shoulder did not stop moving up and down in a frenzied manner. It was amazing television. Yes. I’m still a bit shocked.

David Is Gone!
Farewell, Saucehead! ALSO, OH MY GOODNESS, IT’S REALLY GETTING CLOSE TO THE END OF THE SERIES, ISN’T IT?!? Sorry to shout, but HOW EXCITING ETC.

And Now…
We return to our normal programming x

Posted by Jess at 9:29 PM link |

TAKE YOUR VITAMINS

Ms Fits guest posts:

‘Why is everything I like bad for you? Why does your stomach feel strange if you sit at home eating musk sticks for seven hours straight? What’s up with feeling constantly poorly if you drink all day every day? And why have some CRACKPOT LUNATICS IN WHITE COATS DECIDED THAT BIG BROTHER IS BAD FOR YOUR HEALTH???

If I may quote:

‘Psychologists testing viewers who tuned in to the British show for just six hours found alarming side effects in their mental health, including increased levels of anxiety, depression and hostility.

Yet when the same guinea pigs were asked to watch daytime TV as an experimental control, they reported virtually no ill effects.

Glasgow Caledonian University researchers specialising in television-related research, were commissioned to carry out the study by London’s Mail on Sunday newspaper.

The subjects watched Big Brother for two hours a day for three days.’

Four things that are wrong with this study:

They were watching British Big Brother. Which as we all know is getting weird at series 6 stage with militant lesbians and Sudanese refugees.
They watched two hours a day for only three days. Of course they were anxious and hostile. It’s hardly enough time to get to know who everyone is or what their relationship history holds. Have they pashed? Have they had a bitch-fight in the toilet? WHO IS THAT GUY AND WHAT HAPPENED TO HIS HAIR? I’d be anxious too.
They were guinea pigs, for fuck’s sake. LIKE A RODENT-TYPE CREATURE WOULD BE ABLE TO TELL GOOD TELEVISION WHEN HE OR SHE WITNESSED IT.
I refuse to give up my final, immensely satisfying vice. Fuck the scientists. Fuck the lot of them.

Remember! SMS ‘Dean’ to 191010. IMMEDIATELY.

X’

This guest post was brought to you by Ms Fits. You can go and visit her website here.

Posted by Special Guest at 2:20 PM link |

Tim Versus Dean | Sorry About Disappearing

Dearest Big Brother Blog readers,

My most sincere apologies regarding my absence this week. I had planned on launching a thrilling online campaign to have Dean\Christie\Hotdogs killed, but I was so caught up carving a Dean voodoo doll out of a potato that I simply ran out of time.

Would you like to know my thoughts regarding the whole Dean-Tim situation? Well, I could pretty much just sum it up with this image.

Hi, I am a total cocksucker and not in the good gay way. PS Please take a moment to marvel at Jess's brilliant Microsoft Paint skills

But that’s immature. So here’s what I would say to the Shitbags Posse aka Dean, Hotdogs and Christie.

DEAN! - Haha you are such a loser and as I have loudly proclaimed to all and sundry over the past week, I cannot wait until you become fat and unattractive (and dude, you’re only a few years\pastas off) and then you have nothing to rely on but your personality - which is COMPLETELY CUNTY! You’re an insecure bully and you can’t stand that Tim doesn’t feel intimidated by you. You’ve gone out of your way to become this year’s Alpha Male but only truly succeeded in becoming this years Alpha Jizzbucket. Even after you stomped your feet and tried to take moral high ground, Tim refused to indulge you and you backed down like a little bitch. AND THEN you talked yourself up to your emotional fellater Hotdogs! I CANNOT WAIT TILL YOU LEAVE THE HOUSE AND REALISE THAT EVERYONE WITH A BRAIN THINKS YOU ARE AN UTTER WANKRAG! And then you’ll develop chimp-tits. Sweet.

HOTDOGS! - Dude, please. You could have at least attempted to hide your thrilled smile\swollen Bruce when Dean referred to it being “Just you and me, Dogs. Just you and me.” You do realise you’re going to have to fight Logan David for the role of Dean’s lover, don’t you? Your adoration of “Deano” has blinded you to the fact the man is a shitheap, and anyone who acts morally indignant about the fact they didn’t manage to get away with shitting on a toilet strikes me as mildly retarded. Don’t start with the whole “But the boys were gonna gang up against the girls and you don’t let down the boys cos it’s boys against girls and poor Deano, etc!” rubbish - you’re a grown man, not a twelve year old male at a co-ed boarding school. I hope you choke on Dean’s man broth during an Uplate episode and we all get to laugh at you. I can’t believe I was beginning to like you, Simon.

CHRISTIE - Here’s a tip, Christie - the boys are still gonna think of you as a whinging little shit no matter how much you sell out your other housemates. It’s totally obvious that you’re prepared to backstab anyone in order to get a pat on the head from Dean and\or a midnight grope from Logan Greg and guess what? It’s never going to be enough to make the boys like you - they’ll just use you for information and toss you away when you’ve served your purpose. On a side note, has anyone ever seen Christie and the Paddle Pop lion in the same room?

Truth be told, I don’t care about the three of them as much as the bitter rant above might indicate. Do you know why? Because I am directing all my emotions toward my intense, deep and passionate love for Tim. He is shining in a house full of dullards and officially my favourite housemate ever.

In other news, I’m gonna be away for a week but I’m hoping a few deliciously saucy bloggers will chuck a guest post on here to keep you entertained, so don’t go anywhere. Posted by Jess at 4:04 PM link |

Shearer - Woohoo! Gets Evicted - Woohoo!

Big Brother 2005’s legendary (and inexplicable) lady-killer Glenn has been swiftly booted from the Gold Coast compound tonight with an overwhelming 49% of votes from the public. Apparently the housemates are bewildered -

In the boys’ bedroom, Kate confesses: “I am still seriously, seriously, seriously dumbfounded by it.” Greg agrees: “I’ve got to admit that he’s the first one to leave that will make a change to me.” Greg says he’d also be upset if Dean, Tim, Kate or Christie left. They realise that the public opinion doesn’t necessarily agree with the HMs’. Tim comes in and gives Kate a hug. He tells her: “It was a bold move.” She says she’s more shocked than relieved, and adds: “I’d rather me than him right now.” On the lounge, Rita and Kate discuss tonight’s eviction. Melanie remarks: “How weird does it feel?” Rita agrees with her.

Since Australia loves nothing more than a slow-paced country bumpkin, the housemates were probably quite right to be surprised by Glenn’s exit this evening. In a world of Martys and Nolls, Glenn should have been exactly the type of person to win Big Brother. But it turns out having a fair dinkum Strayun accent and wearing too much flannel isn’t enough to do well in reality shows these days. WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO THIS CRAZY WORLD?!

Glenn arrived on the eviction stage to the sound of booing from the crowd - so he happily cheered himself on. He seemed genuinely confused as to why people might not be impressed with him after his time in the house. Thankfully, Gretel was at her school marm best and she attempted valiantly to show him moments from his time in the house which, frankly, made him look like a sleazy try-hard fuck wit.

She may as well have discussed his behaviour with an inanimate object - perhaps his famous tight footy shorts - as I dare say they would have grasped what she she was trying to get across a little better.

You’ve got to admire a man so incredibly dim that he continues to scream “woohoo” in an admiring manner when shown footage of his naughty behaviour - all while the crowd is in the middle of baying for his blood. Dear sweet foolish Glenn, they were never going to “woohoo” you back.

Gretel asked him if he regretted his behaviour in the house - nah, mate. He was there for a good time, not a long time. The crowd weren’t happy, so Gretel gently pushed again, hoping Glenn would take the hint and display some sort of remorse which may have calmed down the unimpressed crowd. He seemed oblivious and continued to insist he was just being himself.

Finally, Gretel managed to get him to smirk out an “I’m sorry” - but bless his honest true blue soul, when she immediately asked him to confirm whether he was “really sorry” or just trying to say what the crowd wanted to hear, he mumbled something along the lines of “Juss sayin’ what the ord-yence wanna ‘ear, maaaate”. More boos.

When Gretel originally announced it was time for Glenn to go, I sent a text message to my beloved Big Brother banter buddy saying something along the lines of “Here’s hoping they do a Fryzie\Monica situation and bring Michelle out on stage!” Imagine my sheer delight when THEY DID JUST THAT!

Michelle swanned onstage in the manner of an angry wronged woman on a Jerry Springer episode - if she’d picked up a chair, I would not have been at all surprised. She wasted no time in giving him the thumbs down and informing him he was “a jerk!”

His earlier brave face crumbled in the face of his pissed off former paramour. He crossed his arms in a frightened sort of way, looked at the ground and for the first time appeared to be appropriately chastened as he offered up an “I’m sorry” to Michelle. Ha! She tore some strips off him, Gretel looked stern, and Glenn actually looked like he might cry.

Maaate, shit maaaate. Heaps sorry, ay maaate?

Perhaps realising that he’d - deservedly or no - copped a fair bit of flack on his eviction night, Gretel tried to add that Glenn was also an “entertaining” housemate. Yes, Glenn - YOU’RE AN MISOGYNISTIC SCUMBAG WHO CAN’T KEEP HIS COUNTRY COCK IN HIS FOOTY SHORTS but that time you did the pole dance sure made us laff. Everybody, let’s hear it for GLENN THE LOVABLE ARSEHOLE!

Deep down, I’m sure Glenn isn’t a bad bloke. He just cared too much about impressing “his mates” and if that had to happen at the expense of a chick, so be it. It’s all for a laugh, maaaate. Just a bit of fun and that! He’s no different to tonnes of 21 year olds out there - he was just too simple to realise that making disparaging remarks about female housemates and talking about your randy plans out loud while being filmed for national television probably won’t endear you to an audience. At least he was honest with the public, even if he didn’t behave in a thoroughly decent and truthful way when it came to the ladies.

Oh Lord. It was the best eviction ever. I screamed and cringed and laughed and kicked the air with joyful abandon as Glenn was put through the wringer. Sadistic, but incredibly entertaining and gratifying.

Posted by Jess at 11:23 PM link |

Glenn Talks Dirty…

Youse evah hadda Sess Massaarrhj? Oi bloynfal yew an that, sarzya carn see wozgawwenorn. Oi stard orf by rubbin’ ya back wif oil. All ovah an that. Rubbin’ ya neck and shit. Rooly payin’ close ‘tenshun teyah. Oi rub down ya alms an back rownja necken that, an downya lecks too. Oi rub me chess upagenshta an shit, rool hot. Lodsa oyl. Then oi flip yas ovah an, loike, do the same an that. An then wenyarz all oyled upanthat, oi giveya a happy endin’. Yeah, Ay-Boy-Soy. Yeah, fershuuur. An juss when youse is bout to splode an that… oi slippedin. An the gewl, maaate. She loike, juss comes stroight awoy cos sheeze all penn up an that. Oi don lass mushlonga eye-ver cos oym preeddy mushreddy to splode an that meself, boy that stay-jah. Yeeeah.

Michelle got it totally wrong - he is not a baa-stard! Shearer is an erotic gift to the ladies of the nation, wrapped lovingly in a blue singlet top and tight footy shorts. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to have a cigarette.

For some reason, the original of this entry mysteriously disappeared. Here it is again, minus the original comments. No, I don’t know what happened. Stupid technology.

Posted by Jess at 11:13 PM link |

Intruder Alert! Intruder Alert!

~~Chortle.~~ Ahem…

This is them -

Oh my god, they're totally going to stir the pot. Yawn.

From what I can gather, the girls consist of a blonde bird who thinks she rocks (yawn) and a blonde bird who has pashed Grant Hackett. We’ll wait till they enter the house before discussing them further (i.e. dissecting every flaw and irritating personality trait they have).

But I did want to mention the fact I feel we need to pay special attention to Heath The Bloke. He looks like a surfie version of the lead singer from The Music and he sounds like Glenn - which means absolutely nothing, but hear this! He has an additional Bec Cartwright’s Cleft Chin dimension to his face! Will his bumchin prove powerful enough for him to win Big Brother? Let’s hope not - for Lefty Tim’s sake.

In the name of Lefty Tim and all that is good and pure and righteous in this crazy world, we pray.

(Can I get an hallelujah?)

Posted by Jess at 1:28 AM link |

Oh, I Forgot To Mention…

Lefty Tim is getting spunkier by the day.

YUM

Meanwhile, this article contains much of the brilliant Tim-related stuff people have been commenting and emailing me about. I wanted to quote parts of it, but the ENTIRE THING IS GREAT (just like Tim) so here it is in full.

Every family has its prodigal son and its stoic worker and the newly expanded Logan family is no exception. Since the house was split into servants and masters yesterday, Tim has been adopted as the third brother in the Logan brothers family, demanding that he be referred to in future as Logan (Tim).

As the newest, and oldest, of the three Logan brothers, Tim is certainly taking advantage of his position of power. One of Greg’s major tasks since becoming Tim’s slave has been to warm the toilet seat before Tim goes to the bathroom.

Last night he had his servant running between the servant’s bedroom and the master’s bedroom with all kinds of crazy requests.

It started with the need to be tucked in with a bedtime story before he went to sleep. Logan (Greg) was particularly diligent, tucking his Master in tightly, before settling on the bed-head to tell him and his bedmate, Logan (David), a story.

Tim requested the story be about a young man with a slightly deformed but good chest who was aggressive and loud. Greg obliged, but was sent to the kitchen mid-story to get a stool so that Logan (Tim) and Logan (David) could see him and better understand the nuances of the tale.

When the story was over Tim commended Greg for his good work, then pondered whether he would have him sing him a song. He decided instead to have him fetch a snack from the kitchen and when he returned he dismissed him.

“I must now take the counsel of my fellow masters. Leave,” he said pointing to the door.

Greg had barely left the room when Tim called him back. He knocked before entering, as Tim had earlier instructed.

“Master Shearer needs to have a word to you,” Tim instructed. Glenn then made a rubbing motion with his hands. “It means kryptonite,” said Glenn as a laughing Greg left the room. “It’s a personal joke.”

Tim immediately called Greg back and asked for a refill of his water glass. When he returned with the water he asked Greg if the personal joke could be explained to the other masters.

“No,” said Greg. Tim pressed his buzzer to call Greg, who was still standing in front of him.

“Explain the personal joke,” he demanded. Greg started to tell the group that he and Glenn had been talking about things they liked to eat, but Tim interrupted him with the buzzer again.

“I think this story would be best delivered hopping on one leg,” he said.

“The other day we were out in the sun talking about what we liked to eat. I explained to shearer that I enjoy a couple of scoops of vanilla ice cream with chocolate crushed over the top,” he said making the same rubbing motion with his hands that Glenn had made earlier.

“This little enjoyment of mine grew into much larger scale and Glenn thought he had my kryptonite, my weakness,” Greg explained. “Is that all Tim?”

Unimpressed with the story, Tim pressed the buzzer again and said to Greg: “I need you to explain to the other servants that of the three Logan brothers you were loved least by the family, parents, sisters,” he said.

Greg went off to the servants quarters to make the announcement and received a round of clapping from a very impressed group of masters.

Later that night Tim summoned Greg again and asked him to sing for his fellow servants a round of ‘If you’re happy and you know it clap your hands’, loudly so the masters could hear. As he sang, the masters clapped loudly in the appropriate places, before settling down to sleep in their comfy double beds.

I could just eat him up with a spoon.

Posted by Jess at 11:40 PM link |

Two Of The Many Sides Of The Man We Love

From the diary -

As Tim plays golf, his servant Greg continues to address him as Logan Tim. Tim tells him: “If Logan Tim gets monotonous, you may address me as ‘oldest and dearest of my brothers’. It’s a bit longer but it’ll be more appropriate on formal occasions.” Greg nods and as Tim takes a swing at the ball, he says: “Good shot, my oldest and dearest brother, Logan Tim.”

LEFTY TIM IS FUNNY!

Tim sees Vesna sitting alone in the garden. He asks her if she’s okay and tells her she shouldn’t let the task get her down. He says everyone has bad days in the house and sometimes all it takes is a good night’s sleep to snap out of a depressing mood. He says: “Don’t allow yourself to sink. By the end of the week, all of this will have dropped away.” Vesna nods but doesn’t seem willing to talk. Tim declares: “I think I’ll have an eggnog,” and walks inside to order one from his servant.

LEFTY TIM IS KIND!

More to come…

Posted by Jess at 11:32 PM link |

GREATEST DAY EVER ALERT

ausculture.com isn’t the sort of website where we like to sit around all day virtually blowing our own trumpet. No, really. Don’t question me.

That said, we claim full and total responsibility for the latest Big Brother development. According to the ever-reliable Centrebet, Lefty Tim is now the new favourite to win the show.

Take a moment to let this information sink in.

Hallelujah!

LEFTY TIM - FAVOURITE TO WIN

Considering this has occured a mere two days after we threw our hefty, plump and boozed up support behind The World’s Greatest Housemate Ever, well - it’s clear we possess more power than we ever imagined*.

Here are the latest Centrebet odds. Prepare to wee yourself with joy.

Winner

2.60 Tim
3.00 Kate
3.00 Logan (David/Greg)
8.00 Christie
15.00 Glenn
26.00 Dean
51.00 Hotdogs
67.00 Vesna
81.00 Geneva

This is a glorious day for anyone with a soul.

*Dudes, calm down - we’re quite obviously kidding! HAHAHA we don’t really think we’re omnipotent**!

** Truth be told, we probably do, a little. We’re arrogant like that.

Posted by Jess at 1:25 PM link |

Tonight’s Nomination Show Summed Up In One Line

Bravo, Cuntface!

STERLING EFFORT, DEAN!

The One Liner Competition…

Geneva is mental!
David is a prick!
Greg has a sweet lisp and bunny teeth and is very nice!
~~Kate is quite pretty~~!
Kate is IGNORANT (thanks, Rachael)!
Tim is the best person in there by a mile!
Tim is HILARIOUS!
I want Tim to be my best friend!
Etc!

Posted by Jess at 10:36 PM link |

‘I Was A Bad Dog’ - Indeed!

According to website BBBA, Hotdogs’ bad behaviour the other night wasn’t just limited to some chuckle-worthy sleazy eye contact with the girls, acting like a petulant child toward Vesna, and touching Glenn on his absolutely true blue willy.

His most alarming behavior was when he grabbed Vesna’s brests and called her a “whorebag”. Vesna then told him to “fuck off”.

Hotdogs also pulled down his pants infront of the girls and rubbed his penis. At various points throughout the night he cracked onto each of the girls.

Later on Hotdogs then grabbed Glenn’s penis, much to Glenn’s disgust. Glenn then yelled at Hotdogs.

If that wasn’t bad enough Hotdogs washed the dishes without wearing any pants. During which he touched himself various times then continued washing.

Other incidents included Hotdogs touching his groin and then rubbing it on Tim’s face and having fights with almost all of the housemates.

Considering this is a show where past housemates like Belinda have been awarded a strike for (quite reasonably, I might add) declaring they’d like to throttle fellow housemates who have indulged in some rather childish and cruel bullying, it is rather daft that it took viewer outrage on sites like BBBA before - twenty four hours later - Big Brother bothered to punish Hotdogs

Afterwards Vesna said “And what took [Big Brother] so long to address it?”. Vesna also added that the strike probably happened because people on the outside complained.

She’s rather cluey, that Vesna. I like her.

Meanwhile - fire in the house! FIRE IN THE HOUSE!

For once, it’s not just a dry-rooting Geneva-Glenn coupling causing things to get heated in the sauna. Yes, I’m aware that line doesn’t work on so very many levels. Hush.

Posted by Jess at 6:29 PM link |

Highlights From Tonight’s Eviction Show

I absolutely loved Gretel asking the audience to say “Hello, house!”… and then demanding primly that if they were going to do it, they had better enunciate clearly and correctly. Because you just know the housemates - passionate defenders of literacy and pronunciation that they are - would be appalled to hear the English language raped by a pack of braying bogans.
I am thrilled whenever Hotdogs refers to himself in the third person. It reminds me of why ~~I thought he was a stupid cunt~~ I have inappropriate feelings towards him from time to time. “I’ve been a bad Dog.” - WOOF to that, says I!
I also sat back and enjoyed Gretel asking Christie’s sister Carlie which housemate she fancied, and after Carlie replied “Ummm… Dean, I guess…”, Gretel hastily replied “He’s taken… and you’re fifteen.” Yes, Dean’s much too old for a teen lover. ~~People in glass houses, Gretel~~.
It is always wonderful when Gretel begins hearing Big Brothers voice in her head (via a ear-piece, alas). It’s as though she’s forgotten to take some essential medication before the show. She begins talking to the air and making movements with her body which seem a lot like a homage to Law & Order: Criminal Intent’s Detective Goran… performed by someone on crack.
Tim’s muscles - he is going to be so completely buff in a week or two. EVEN THOUGH HE IS HOT NOW!
Did we all love when Rachael’s name got announced and Geneva began clapping until she realised that it might not be appropriate or look too good?
I had a chuckle when Gretel asked Rachael “Who did you like least in the house?” and Rachael replied something along the lines of “David, because I didn’t know how to take him. Sometimes he was really mean, but other times he could be really sweet.” That’d be Greg, love. Confusing I know.

Finally, I might just add now that I thought Gretel was in fine form tonight towards the end of the show. She was appropriately gentle and mothering when required, but didn’t gloss over everything too much either.

As for Rachael, well - I actually got to a point by the end of the week where I didn’t want kill her - and considering what an insanely irritating character she started out as, that’s an achievement not to be sniffed at.

I suppose the next big question is… who will David find to start dramas with in a thinly disguised effort to woo Dean?

Posted by Jess at 11:48 PM link |

Just Keep Telling Yourself…

Och, and aye!

… she supports John Howard and the war in Iraq. She supports John Howard and the war in Iraq. She supports John Howard and the war in Iraq. She supports John Howard and the war in Iraq. She supports John Howard and the war in Iraq. She supports John Howard and the war in Iraq. She supports John Howard and the war in Iraq. She supports John Howard and the war in Iraq.

(she could be converted though, right?)

Posted by Jess at 5:44 PM link |

An Important Announcement On Where We Stand

GO TIMMY!

While ausculture.com have always had a tender spot for dear Lefty Tim, it wasn’t until today that we made up our mind to back him to win. There were a few other folk in the house who we suspected might also make deserving winners, BUT NOT ANYMORE*.

REASONS TO LOVE LEFTY TIM
* He is passionate about gastro intestinal issues! * He can’t dance! * He is good humoured about even the most arsey behaviour from the boys! * He apologised to Christie for being too harsh when she didn’t deserve it! * He can eat wood! (not actually true) * He has extra eye-lids! (not actually true either) * He doesn’t support the war in Iraq**! * He is EXTREMELY buffed and muscular!

Also, there are a zillion other reasons and we will bring them up as the weeks go on. If you can think of a reason to LOVE Lefty Tim, please feel free to let us know.

*That said, I’d still probably invite Kate along to a kd lang concert, if you catch my drift.

**I’m a filthy latte lefty, remember?

Posted by Jess at 5:41 PM link |

Not That I’m Sceptical…

Christie reveals that she graduated high school with a T.E.R. score of 96. She says: “I’ve got brains. I don’t use them all the time.” “Are you dead set?” asks Dean. Christie nods and grins: “You wouldn’t pick it.”

… but can anyone confirm this is true? I couldn’t shake off a deep feeling of confliction when I read it.

Posted by Jess at 1:25 AM link |

Hello Ladies And\Or Gentlemen

Free up a hand and get ready to phwoar, because here’s… LOGAN GREG!

Wow, he’s the only Logan with a soul AND he looks pretty in hot pants? Well done, Greg! ~~Pity about the whole Christie thing!~~

It slightly ruins the mood when you read he’s shoved a sock down there, I admit, but nevertheless it’s all rather pleasing.

And speaking of pleasing, isn’t it wonderful that Big Brother has helpfully clarified for us that despite Greg wearing the INTERNATIONAL GAY UNIFORM, he only likes vagina! PHEW! Thanks for clearing that up guys!

Posted by Jess at 1:16 AM link |

Random Thoughts.

Glenn really is a complete arse, isn’t he?
I feel sorry for Michelle - but Gretel totally wants to make it up to her in a Sapphic manner. “Isn’t it awful, Michelle? I know it’s hard, Michelle. Gee, Michelle - you look great. You’ve been so wonderful and strong, Michelle. I bet you aren’t interested in guys anymore, are you Michelle? Have you seen my dressing room, Michelle? Want to have a lie down?”
Tim is going to win Big Brother. Or at the very least, he’ll come second behind Kate. Teehee. I’m feeling rather confident about that.
I hope - even though she’s irritating beyond belief - that StrawVadge makes it through the eviction in order to keep Cunty Dean infuriated and throwing tantrums. And since the Australian public has a habit of doing the opposite of what I demand of them, I’m confident she’ll be the one to get booted on Sunday night.
Personally, I think Geneva should probably go. She’s yet to murder anyone and she’s more needy than I can tolerate.
That said, Christie could go too and I probably wouldn’t mind either way. Am I losing my Big Brother momentum?
DAMN YOU GLENN! DAMN YOU FOR RESCUING DEAN!
Have I mentioned lately that I love Tim? But Gretel had better watch herself - I’m less than impressed by her tendency to make snide remarks about him. Don’t make me shake my fist at the screen again, you cheeky little half-Graxon!
Dudes, has anyone heard of some Orson bloke? Orphan? Orwell? Apparently he’s like, a producer or something on the show. (dribbles)

Posted by Jess at 11:22 PM link |

Or WAS There Sexing?

The more I read about yesterday morning’s supposed “sex fest” in the bath, the more I wondered whether there was a chance the entire thing could be a publicity stunt. Let’s face it, Channel Ten and Southern Star Endemol are pretty shameless, bless ‘em, when it comes to flogging their pieces of meat, and frankly - things just didn’t seem to ‘click’. Was it all an effort to ensure they kept the ratings of their desired demographic on Monday night?

Cue tonight’s episode. Michelle, the unlucky evictee and supposed bath-sexer, sure didn’t seem as though she wondered or was concerned about whether Australia had witnessed her having some Shearer-doodle fun. Gretel didn’t mention it at all whilst talking to Michelle. In fact, it struck me as though the Big Brother folk were trying their hardest NOT bring up the topic lest Michelle admit nothing had actually happened and their beat up was for nothing.

Reader Katy linked to this article on BBBA which states that their sites’ Live Feed watchers were unclear as to whether Glenn and Michelle had gotten it awn in the bath.

Our feed watchers report Glenn and Michelle started kissing and touching each other at around 1.58am while watching a movie in the rewards room. Later at 3.30am the two were seen rubbing each other under a blanket. Around 20 minutes later Glenn invited Michelle to the bath. She initially declined (already had a bath earlier) but eventually joined him. There they engaged in heavy kissing and petting with the lights off. Glenn was naked and Michelle wore a small G-string. They briefly talked about having sex, however at the last minute Michelle said no, as she could feel the cameras watching her.

The next day Glenn told David he gave her “Mal Meninga” (fingering) and she gave him a “shopping trolley” (hand job). He did not say they had intercourse. On Saturday night he told David that the incident was just “something to do” and that he actually hopes Michelle gets evicted on Sunday. Later that night Glenn and Michelle talked about the night before - and how Michelle couldn’t continue because of the cameras. Glenn said he wasn’t like Michelle: he wouldn’t mind having sex on camera.

Interesting.

And is this the greatest pictorial summary of the love those two crazy kids shared?

Awww... spew

That photo is getting you a little hot, admit it. It’s utterly clear this whole “sex” (no wait, sorry - that should be “taking relationships to new levels” since Big Brother would hate to be accused of saying something untrue) thing is a bit of an exaggeration. So follow ausculture.com’s advice and don’t be taken for a sucker. Tape Big Brother and watch Last Man Standing on Channel Seven instead*.

(but don’t forget to watch Uncut at SOME point so we can discuss it in seedy detail)

Also, hasn’t Glenn been shown up as the shallow root rat scumbag he is? It was highly entertaining\painful to see poor Michelle realise (over a five minute period of watching footage) that her “genuine” sweet bloke was actually a sex-crazed flirt who only seems concerned with impressing the lads in the house.

* Yes, I’m giving props to a fellow blogger. But I can personally guarantee how good the show is going to get, so don’t miss out on the fun. Plus you might see another wonderful pair of baps x

PS: Remind me never to blog drunk again. This post is probably riddled with mistakes.

Posted by Jess at 11:50 PM link |

Sex! In! The! House!

Have Glenn and Michelle made Australian Big Brother history by having steamy sex in the bath after Glenn won the Rewards Room on the Friday Night Challenge? It would appear so.

“In the early hours of Saturday morning, it looks like Glenn and Michelle took their relationship to another level,” said David Brown, a spokesman for production company Endemol Southern Star.

“Over the last couple of days, it was increasingly obvious that Michelle wasn’t hiding her affections for Glenn.”

Michelle and Glenn have spent the past week canoodling and kissing.

Winning last night’s Big Brother Challenge of pie eating, water dunking and sheepdog trials, Glenn chose to take Michelle into the special rewards room for an evening of luxury.

The couple cuddled and kissed, ate sponge cake and watched a DVD.

At 4am (AEST), Glenn and Michelle took to the bath where it is believed they had sex.

There are so many things I love about this story.

RUT RUT RUT! One more person and it would have been a.... MENAGE!

I love that Endemol Southern Star had a spokesperson make an announcement. There are quite a few men I know who’d love to have a publicist hold a press conference every time they’d successfully managed to poke a young lady. But I suppose that’s what pubs are for.
I love that Endemol Southern Star used the phrase “took their relationship to another level” and smh.com.au referred to it as “love making”. Much more poetic than “had a drunken root in the bath”.
I love the fact the NSW P&C President threw in her two cents on the bath time sex fest.
I love that all this romantic development was kick-started by a pie eating contest. Warney and Alex Lloyd are probably on the phone to Four’N’Twenty as we speak in the hope of spicing up their own love lives.

Posted by Jess at 6:25 PM link |

A Brilliant Guest Post By Dirty Derek

And by “guest post” I mean “I read this on his freshly revived blog and begged him shamelessly to let me publish it because it was so ace” - the man is right on the proverbial money. As you can imagine, this is quite handy as I’ve been barely able to watch the show over the past two weeks. God bless you, Dirty, for being charitable enough to let me shove your glorious stuff on our Big Brother miniblog.

people who still mock watching big brother probably still wear stripey tights under their ripped jeans at the empress

by sir dirty derekus

Dickheads everywhere WAKE UP.

It IS entertaining watching people being psycologically tortured. (even if they volunteered)

It IS a good feeling to know you are better than the goofballs on tv.

It IS beneficial to introspect on how you would go in the house (thus realizing that the entire nation would be revulsed at your personal habits so you’d better change them or the young missus will shortly bugger off)

It IS important to be able to have something to talk about with just about anyone you come across.

It IS good for insecure young men to see small dicks on real people.

It IS good for insecure young women to show their boobs.

It IS better to have temporary national celebrities who don’t sing shithouse songs in insincere trained voices.

It IS good to get smashed and attend an eviction with msfits and gang, drink mikey goldman’s drinkcard ‘till it’s crisp, and whoop and holler at every given oppotunity.

You are behind the times, and are probably still drinking flat whites, unaware that the post latte flat white rebellion is over.

I pity the fools.

Posted by Jess at 5:48 PM link |