Category: tv

September 24, 2004

The Election Chaser - Excellent

As reported in Counter Spin, last night’s Election Chaser was excellent. The highlight of the show for me - other than the Peter Garret sketch - was Chas Licciardello’s stooge phone calls to talk back radio jocks.

John Laws cottoned on rather quickly, and told Chas (or “Tony” as he called himself) where to go. Alan Jones, however, sat back and let Chas recite almost the entire Liberal press release without interruption and followed on by reading (as the Chaser team pointed out) his OWN Liberal press release!

If you hate Alan Jones, revel in him sounding like a twat.

August 24, 2004

Catchphrase - An Insiders Account

Ever wondered what it’s like to be on a game show? Cringe-worthy? Thrilling? All of the above?

ausculture.com’s happy to encourage you to read the startling truth about game shows, via the fabulous Scottie’s website inhibitory links. Read his shocking tale of Channel Nine debauchery and decadence over three separate posts in a move that rivals The Bourne Trilogy for the “Most Exciting Adventure Spread Over Three… Erm… Things… Like Books Or Blog Entries Or Whatever” award. If that award existed - thank fuck it doesn’t, or we’d be living in an insane world, wouldn’t we?

Still not convinced to read it? Then hear ye this, unbeliever! Scottie got up close and personal with Baby John Burgess. If you want the low down on this mighty orange giant, you know where to go.

Enjoy!

August 20, 2004

Neighbours Muff Diver - 30th August ETA

How exciting for us Neighbours watchers! Ramsay Street will be having someone of the lesbionic persuasion arriving soon, and she’s going to have a pash with Sky Mangel - how positively raunchy!

Lana Crawford will be played by ex-Canuck Bridget Neval, who has previously starred in a Channel Ten children’s show Wicked Science and something called Guinevere Jones. Says Bridget about her impending role on Neighbours -

All in all, things look to be spicing up on the show which should make 6:30pm a far more interesting time slot than ever before. My only hope is that they don’t do a Gypsy from Home & Away storyline where she’s only gay for a while and eventually gravitates towards one of the shows male heartthrobs.

PS: Was forced at gunpoint to go to the pub for dinner last night, so I missed out on seeing if Jack Scully is dead. Can anyone fill me in on what happened?

Random Jack Scully Memory
Remember when Michelle, Lori and Nina were discussing their spunky boyfriends over at Harold’s place? Oh, how I laffed when Lori said “Jick has the BIST arms!” - Jack Scully has chicken arms! Chicken arms, I tell you!

August 3, 2004

Shannon Noll’s “TV Documentary”

Channel Ten’s Shannon Noll interview - which aired last night - has led to the Telegraph declaring him a “national treasure” (big call, kids!) but acting rather shocked by Shannon’s pot and hooker past. Truly amazing, considering it was the Telegraph who originally published an article on Shannon’s whoring history a month ago.

Shannon explained away his brothel hijinks by admitting “I had a crack when I was a kid, it was a life experience and you can’t die wondering about that stuff.” Right on, Noll! Sure, some sceptics might disagree with Shannon’s belief that visiting a hooker constitutes a “life experience” but what they don’t understand is that life is different in the country.

Kids in the suburbs learn to ride bikes. Kids in Condobolin learn to ride the town bike, saving their precious pennies during the drought in order to afford this touching (in every sense) right of passage.

What’s shameful - and ausculture.com believes should become an election issue - is that some rural teenagers can’t even afford to pay for full intercourse with their local lady of the night, and instead are forced to resort to cheaper (but infinately less satisfying and life-changing) hand-to-gland massage from the calloused, spunk-encrusted fists of an farm girl floozy.

Why should country kids miss out on important “life experiences” when their city-living cousins can pound all the top quality working girls they desire? Surely there should be some kind of Government funded bordello created to keep our farm-dwelling fellow citizens satisifed? Ahem. Moving on…

Highlights of last night’s album re-launch (cleverly disguised as a TV documentary) included the afore-mentioned prostitute confession, and an insightful look into the future of Shannon Noll’s hair line thanks to slightly nepotistic appearances of his shiny-scalped brothers Adam and Damien. From memory, one of them claims credit for creating the “flavour savour” and the other is possibly touching Reggie Bird’s naughty bits at the moment - both dubious claims to fame at best.

Finally, the most surprising discovery during the entire proceedings was that Dicko wasn’t as good a host as you’d expect. Some might have thought that since Dicko has managed to outshine most people on screen during both Idol seasons, he’d be a barrel of wit and shenanigans but instead he was reduced to predictable staged interactions, plenty of arse-kissing and one bad testicle joke. It’d be far more interesting to see Dicko hosting a show where he interviewed people he wasn’t so obviously madly in love with (in the platonic sense, of course).

August 2, 2004

Are you Australia’s next top model?

ausculture.com is told that the “hottest show on television” is coming down under. You know that cliché about how much of what you hear to believe? - well apply that to this situation.*

There’s a competition running for people to get themselves on Australia’s Next Top Model - how very exciting.

The show is guaranteed to be a success - it’s hosted by Erika Heynatz and everything she touches turns to gold. If only Fox could get another of their galacticos (Craig Wing for example) to host the show with Erika then we might just have the most exciting australian television event since “Paradise Beach”.

Start sending your entries for “Australia’s Next Top Model” today. Tell us about the entry you’ve submitted and ausculture.com will put in a half-arsed effort to support your quest to get on the show.

*ausculture.com making a hash of your least favorite cliché since today.

July 21, 2004

Mark Latham In The Big Brother House

Mark Latham, Wannabe-PM, has completed his tour of the Big Brother house. I must admit, I thought this was a joke when I originally read the headline.

Mark’s tour of the Dreamworld compound led to excited Liberals frothing at the mouth and stumbling over themselves to make disparaging comments to the media. Personally, I can see the benefits - after all, Mark’s gaining street cred with the desirable female teen SMS fanatics, which can only help win him the next election. No wait, that’s Australian Idol.

Either way, it was a golden opportunity for Mark to use some terrible puns worthy of the British tabloid press. In regards to Prime Minister John Howard, Mark said “I’m hoping to evict him from the Lodge, absolutely.”

In an effort to compete with the hip and pop culture savvy Opposition Leader, John Howard declared this morning that he too would visit the set of his favourite show.

“Mark Latham needs to learn that he’s not the only guy with his finger on the pulse of the youth culture.” the Prime Minister triumphantly announced.

Sadly, the Prime Minister had to be later informed that his two television show sets of choice no longer existed. His staff patiently explained that sitcom hit Hey Dad! was cancelled a while back, and the chances of getting booked to do a guest appearance on It’s A Knock Out were slim to none.

July 19, 2004

Un-Australian Of The Year ©

ausculture.com has a problem with commitment. We’re a veritable hussy in a world of honourable and chaste websites. You see, we constantly commit to stuff and never follow through. It’s kinda like Britney swearing to stay virginal till marriage and then getting busy with Justin, Fred, and Kevin Federline. Also rather like her marriage, for that matter.

We promised you Law & Order Appreciation Week and promptly forgot about it. Patrick began his “ausculture me” project and abandoned it within days. I declared I’d start writing a fortnightly segment about the Google searches people have done to arrive at ausculture.com, and immediately jumped ship. So hopefully, dear reader, you have learned to take most things we say with a “grain of salt”. Oooh, how Paul from Big Brother!

In the not-too-distant future, ausculture.com will be launching a very, very special project. “Special?” I hear you ask “you mean, even more so than the Big Brother & Australian Idol Blogfests?” Without a doubt. “What about Dolly Parton Appreciation Week?” Yup, more special than that.

Soon, you sexy bastards, we’ll be launching our Un-Australian Of The Year © competition! And there’ll be a special mini-site! Could you ask for any more? Yes, you could - you could ask to be involved, and involved you shall be. You will be asked to vote during the weekly rounds, building up to a frenzied voting crescendo during the Un-Australian Of The Year © final poll.

But before all that, we want your nominations for Un-Australian Of The Year ©. Please do not send us your suggestions by commenting below. Instead, email unaustralian@ausculture.com and if you feel like it, feel free to add your reasons why. You can vote more than once, and your vote will count. Unlike Big Brother, then.

Go on - unlike Australian Of The Year, it probably won’t go to some cricketer John Howard wants to touch inappropriately.

The Big O’s Angry Thoughts For The Day

Since this advertisment has returned to our television screens, I thought it apt to republish Ol Shirley’s article about this idiotic commercial. Plus I like rehashing old stuff.

Today’s angry thoughts are about television, our friend and scourge.

There’s an advertisement currently screening on the infernal Nine Network dealing with the Patak’s range of Indian food goods. Patak’s is basically the Indian equivalent of Dolmio’s spaghetti sauce… good if you’re lazy or a real joke in the kitchen, but not exactly the finest cuisine Madras or Delhi has to offer. The advertisement in question sees a starchy-white, Christian-City-Church going family sitting down for a meal in a local Indian restaurant. They order the standard fare, lamb, naan, dahl, etc.

This is where the ad starts to go sour. The son orders papadums in a sarcastic voice that turns into a snicker, as if the very word papadum is somehow vastly hilarious. A moment later, one of the Indian chefs causes the fuse for the entire restaurant to go out, plunging everyone into darkness. The patriarch of the family somehow produces a lantern from his pocket - as if he had predicted the blackout in some strange religious vision - and then proceeds to invite the ENTIRE RESTAURANT back to his family abode for a meal.

Next, the ad cuts to the family home, where in about 15 seconds they have prepared full meals for 20 guests, two of whom are in fact the chefs from the restaurant. The father gives the head Indian chef a patronizing nod, and the chef smiles back winningly. Another Indian chef then procedes to massage the shoulders of a guest, happy as larry.

Now, here’s what gets me really angry - firstly, why would the family go and eat at an Indian restaurant when they’ve already bought enough Indian food to feed TWENTY GOD DAMNED people in their very own kitchen! And secondly, why the hell would the Indian chefs be delighted to lose all their customers for the night to a family of amateur cooks who obviously have no respect for their craft or culture ? And finally, why would said chefs be impressed by Indian cuisine from a jar? Would Yan Can Cook be impressed by Maggi Noodles? Jamie Oliver by English Muffins? Aristos impressed by a KFC Chicken Souvlaki? Gabriel Gate by anything?

This culturally insensitive ad should be removed from our screens at once.

- Ol Shirley

July 17, 2004

Most Influential Australians

Lucky us - another list published in the papers for us to heckle! Anytime you gather a group of names and label them “Most Something Or Other” you’re always likely to get critics, aren’t you - and I personally quite enjoy being one of those critics.

Basically, The Australian has declared fourty of our fellow countrymen & women to be the “Forty Most Infuential Australians”.

We’ve listed the top 15 below, and if you want to check out the rest, head here.

The list of the Top 15 contains five politicians (two of them less twattish than most, I guess), one underwear mogul, a cricketer (did Howard compile the list?) and Kate Fisher’s mum. Do you agree with the list?

June 30, 2004

“The Price Is Concussion” With Larry Emdur

TV can be bad for your health, as one gentleman found out recently after being told to “come on down” on television game show The Price Is Right.

Dean, a Melbourne resident, rushed to the stage to try his luck and after enthusiastically spinning the super showcase wheel, found himself with a rather nasty head wound after copping a smack on the noggin from the spinning circle of death.

The contestent continued to play on after the blow, until Australia’s most affable host Emdur noticed blood trickling down Dean’s face.

Clearly, this is the way of the future for game shows, and Dean’s “accident” is merely Channel 7’s test case to see how the Australian public reacts to violent but entertaining television. I for one give it two thumbs up and can’t wait to see more contestants earn their cash after suffering gruelling torture inflicted by medieval instruments.

June 28, 2004

Australian Idol 2004

It’s only a matter of weeks till the new season of Australian Idol, and ausculture.com are feeling mixed emotions. We’re excited, sceptical, hopeful, worried and thrilled about the new season of the show, and the anticipation of finding out whether 2004 will be a bung or beaut year for Australian manufactured pop is almost killing us.

So why am I telling you this? I’m giving you advanced warning of a new structure being added to our site. That’s right - an Australian Idol 2004 blog, in the vein of our Big Brother Blogfest!

Here’s hoping the show supplies us with enough material to constitute a blog. Oh, and that the stress of running a Big Brother AND Australian Idol blog simultaneously doesn’t kill us.

PS: Patrick - you’d better change that ausculture.com banner to read 60% more reality television!

Television - Affecting My Subconscious

Watching bucket loads of telly sort of comes with the job for me. Which job? Well, a mixture of unemployment and ausculture.com writing, I guess. So I shouldn’t be surprised by the fact that many of the T.V shows I watch are starting to pop up with disturbing ferocity in my dreams.

It started off simple - I was a detective in Law & Order: SVU. Fighting crime and hanging out with my chums Olivia, Elliott, Fin and Munch (not to mention the boss, Donald “Goldfish” Cragan!) was a great way to pass the time in my sleep.

Suddenly and unexpectedly, I had a slightly risqué dream about Angie Harmon. What the…?! I suppose no one - man or woman - is immune to Angie’s husky charms as ADA Abby Carmichael on Law & Order.

Next thing I knew, I began having recurring dreams that I was a gay man, hanging out with my best chum Brian Kinney from Queer As Folk. A bit weird (and it was novel having a penis!) but good fun nonetheless, and I always knew once Brian had stepped into my dream on any given occasion, I was up for a night of dancing, drugs and men men men!

But this morning I was finally incredibly disturbed about what popped up in my dream world. This morning, ladies and gentlemen, I helped deliver Susan Kennedy’s baby… and the father was Merlin from Big Brother! I kid you not!

Olsen-Polson Swap - Special Report by Steve Fellows

ausculture.com are proud to have the man behind the Boonie’s Mullet Exclusive and Shane Warne: Secret Agent back where he belongs, reporting on the big issues for ausculture.com.

Olsen - Polson Swap Exclusive! by Steve Fellows

In a remarkable display of showbiz solidarity, Tropfest mastermind John Polson today volunteered to stand in for stricken Olsen twin Mary-Kate who will miss the Australian leg of the publicity tour for the twins’ new movie New York Minute. Mary-Kate, one half of the richest twins in the world, has checked herself into a US clinic to treat a severe eating disorder.

Polson was quick to deny claims that he is trying to revive his flagging acting career by associating himself with the Olsens. Despite not appearing in the movie, being a teenage girl or even having met the twins, he claims he is the ideal celebrity to spruik New York Minute.

Speaking to entertainment namish Antonia Kidman, Polson said “I am the ideal celebrity to spruik New York Minute. I heard about Mary-Kate’s eating disorder and I thought bloody hell - our surnames rhyme!” At this stage it is unclear whether the twins will accept Polson’s generous offer.

To further complicate the matter, actor Danny Devito is said to be livid that he and Arnold Schwarzenegger were overlooked for the movie, despite not being teenage girls. He is seeking to block the release of the film, and has also stated that Full House star Bob Saget was the worst sitcom dad he has ever seen.

June 23, 2004

Kayne Taylor?

First of all, I have to admit that I never watched an episode of Popstars Live. As such, I’ve never heard Kayne Taylor sing before.

for some strange reason I went and had a look to see if I could find an audio file of Kayne’s debut single Heartbreaker using google. I hit pay-dirt.

Suffice to say, it’s no Popplers theme song. Still, Kayne sounds like a decent vocalist. I’m confused though, is Heartbreaker a cover or does it simply lack any real imagination?

Listen to Heartbreaker and decide for yourself.

June 9, 2004

Which Band Needs A New Lead Singer?

We mentioned in today’s news wrap that Survivor producer Mark Burnett was developing a series sort of like Australian Idol but with a rawk edge - the winner would become lead singer of an already established internationally recognised band, or something like that.

My beloved Batson commented that the winner should take over Limp Bizkit since Fred Durst is rather crap (but sensitive), or something along those lines which got me thinking - what other bands need their lead singer ditched, possibly in favour of a reality TV show winner?

Obviously INXS are still looking for that perfect lead singer to replace Michael Hutchence (though I’m unsure whether Jon Stevens has resumed singing with them now he has all this free time post The Resort axing) - they’d be a lead contender for the band most needing a new singer via reality TV. I’m sure Popstars Live singer Kayne Taylor would love to step in those shoes!

So I ask you all - which band needs their lead singer replaced by a reality TV show winner? Points awarded for most creative answers but as per usual, points mean nothing and we can’t afford an actual prize.