Category: tabloid

September 1, 2004

Wayne “Dead Ugly” Rooney Joins Manchester United

Teenage soccer sensation Wayne Rooney has just signed a six year contract with Manchester United for over $69million. Impressive, indeed - and surely a welcome piece of good news for Wayne after the last few weeks of media attention.

For those not aware, Mr Rooney has recently been in the press after revelations he’d been a regular visitor to a seedy brothel , where he shagged a cowgirl and a fourty-something grandmother known (affectionately no doubt) as the Auld Slapper.

But the dirt digging didn’t stop there. News of Wayne’s penchant for prostitutes continued to emerge after vice girl Charlotte Glover came forward, announcing Wayne had slept with her back in December 2002. Foolishly as he was both well-known and in a relationship at the time, Wayne decided it’d be a good idea to sign an autograph for his new lady friend which stated “To Charlotte, I shagged u on 28 Dec. Loads of Love. Wayne Rooney.” How delightful for his fiance Coleen!

As this rather amusing article on footballer’s saucy exploits so nicely put it -

Best. Tabloid. Quote. Ever.

August 3, 2004

Britney Abandoned, Rachel Pursued Instead

Victoria Newton, obviously tired of writing articles condemning Britney Spears’ severe weight problem and shocking skin condition, has moved onto new territory - ex S-Club 7 star Rachel Stevens. For those of you living in blissful ignorance, Rachel was the voice behind the corker pop song “Sweet Dreams My LA Ex” (although Richard X provided the genius, or so I understand).

As the photo above proves, Rachel is as mortal as any other woman when it comes to the ravages of cellulite. It is interesting however to note the new spin Victoria has used in publishing the pics… After several photos of Rachel looking less than glamorous, Vicky generously concedes that “the star, voted Britain’s sexiest woman four times, clearly has bumps in all the right places.” Phew. Good to know you weren’t trying to call her a porker! I’m sure “Zitney” Spears will also understand your article a few days ago on her skin issues and bulbous new figure was actually complimentary. It’s all so clear to me now.

Ms Newton isn’t the only journalist to use this new-found approach to publishing hideous pictures of celebrities. Lately there has been an influx of tabloid magazine issues which have headlines along the lines of “STARS PILE ON THE POUNDS!” complete with standard meaty photos of celebs on their days off, but in smaller writing underneath there’s a heartfelt message like “And Isn’t That Good? Yay Fat Voluptuous Famous People!” My only question is - what has prompted this sudden display of conscience in entertainment’s normally reliably catty writers?

July 21, 2004

Michael Jackson’s Quadruplet Mystery

Michael Jackson’s representatives are refuting claims the troubled pop star is expecting quads through a surrogate mother in Florida.

However they were unable to explain to the throng of journalists just why Michael has ordered 400 sets of baby jumpsuits embroidered with the names Rug, Doona, Pillow & Crotchless Bunny Suit from a children’s clothing store in Los Angeles.

July 19, 2004

British hacks feast on corpulent Britney

The ravenous British tabloids aren’t done feeding on Britney, it would seem. Last week, News Of The World published an article detailing her shagging exploits with not-actually-an-ex-but-annulled-hubby Jason Alexander. This week, we’re informed that Britney is fat. Fat, fat, fat! Positively corpulent and pimply to boot - how does she sleep at night?

THEY call her the Princess Of Pop, the blonde babe whose sexy videos are as memorable as her catchy singles. But just four months before her wedding, Britney Spears’ drop-dead gorgeous looks seem to have, well, dropped dead. At 22, her face is riddled with spots. Once sleek and chiselled, she now has a double chin and wrinkles. Onlookers were also horrified to see once pert Britney bra-less and droopy as she strolled in Los Angeles.

Ah yes, I forgot to mention, her tits are saggy too. Has she no shame? Won’t somebody think of the children?

I always get conflicted when I read stories of celebrities looking shite. The horrible side of me revels in it. I like seeing Cameron Diaz’s acne. I marvel with glee at Alicia Keys’ chest hair. Seeing those with money and fame and talent looking like crap makes me feel better about myself. I can be a horrible person, I must admit it.

The other side of me though (the angelic, kind and gentle side - generally repressed thoughout day to day life) feels nothing but contempt for the “journalists” who churn out such trashy rubbish. Who cares if she’s a little more voluptuous than usual? So what if she has a few pimples? If I ever win a truckload of money on a game show (and it is on my list of things to do, believe me) I plan on offering a bounty for the most unflattering photos of Victoria Newton and other such “journalists” and I will publish them accompanied with as many terrible puns and put-downs my frazzled mind can come up with.

Update: Popculturejunkies.com have this photo of Britney’s behind for those of you with enough morbid curiosity to have a look.

Un-Australian Of The Year ©

ausculture.com has a problem with commitment. We’re a veritable hussy in a world of honourable and chaste websites. You see, we constantly commit to stuff and never follow through. It’s kinda like Britney swearing to stay virginal till marriage and then getting busy with Justin, Fred, and Kevin Federline. Also rather like her marriage, for that matter.

We promised you Law & Order Appreciation Week and promptly forgot about it. Patrick began his “ausculture me” project and abandoned it within days. I declared I’d start writing a fortnightly segment about the Google searches people have done to arrive at ausculture.com, and immediately jumped ship. So hopefully, dear reader, you have learned to take most things we say with a “grain of salt”. Oooh, how Paul from Big Brother!

In the not-too-distant future, ausculture.com will be launching a very, very special project. “Special?” I hear you ask “you mean, even more so than the Big Brother & Australian Idol Blogfests?” Without a doubt. “What about Dolly Parton Appreciation Week?” Yup, more special than that.

Soon, you sexy bastards, we’ll be launching our Un-Australian Of The Year © competition! And there’ll be a special mini-site! Could you ask for any more? Yes, you could - you could ask to be involved, and involved you shall be. You will be asked to vote during the weekly rounds, building up to a frenzied voting crescendo during the Un-Australian Of The Year © final poll.

But before all that, we want your nominations for Un-Australian Of The Year ©. Please do not send us your suggestions by commenting below. Instead, email unaustralian@ausculture.com and if you feel like it, feel free to add your reasons why. You can vote more than once, and your vote will count. Unlike Big Brother, then.

Go on - unlike Australian Of The Year, it probably won’t go to some cricketer John Howard wants to touch inappropriately.

July 18, 2004

Lenny & Lionel - Pumped Up

There’s nothing nicer than two celebrities joining forces to fight evil at various night clubs, is there? Bless - Lionel Ritchie and Lenny Kravitz recently stepped in and split up a brawl while enjoying a night out at London nightclub Chinawhite.

More celebs should take a leaf out of Lionel and Lenny’s books… after all, not enough stars get to double as action heros on weekends, eh? And what gave Lenny and Lionel the strength to fight for their right to party in peace? Rumours say an inspiring pep talk in the men’s bathroom of Chinawhite from a friend called Charlie. Holy Moly! Could Charlie be the unsung hero of the night?

July 4, 2004

Barker Girl Scandal - Cough

Well, seventeen year old would-be model Francesca Willis has gotten the kind of huge publicity most aspiring cat-walkers would throw up another dinner for.

The young Barker student has had a saucy photo of her in her school uniform emailed around the world, eventually causing her suspension from school, and a classy article on smh.com.au

The article mentions that Francesca had a website which was taken down on Friday, but one quick Google search (thanks for the helpful clues, Fairfax!) and we have a delightful cache. Now, from how the article refer to the website, you’d think she’d been running a smut-fest online for years. From what I can see, canny Frannie (oooh!) managed to throw this site together just in time for the publicity wave to pound on her barely legal shores.

Some Trivia! - Francesca says she likes Krispy Kreme Donuts. She’s either lying or has the kind of metabolism most women would murder for. She also loves “christian dior sunglasses” and Love Is Only A Feeling by The Darkness. Well, she has good taste in bands then. One of her (two) blog entries also contains an insightful top ten list of models. Thanks to a cache of her profile, we also know her interests include getting naked, which means she has a lot in common with Big Merl, the other Blogger user who lists that as his interest. No doubt your average male would be more interested in seeing her get naked than our friend Big Merl.

So now thanks to ausculture.com and Google, you now know a little more about the young breasts smh.com.au felt necessary to publish in their Sunday paper. Because, you know, it’s pretty important national news. In fact, expect ausculture.com to continue with our mini-blog-site trend and create an all new Barker Boozies Blogfest for the publics consumption.

Okay, I shall end my sarcasm. But I really do wonder why they (the paper) felt the need to publish this article? Are they trying to embarrass her? Ensure she becomes as synonymous as Claire Swires regarding email no-nos? The fact I could type that name from memory and didn’t need to do some search engine research goes to show what could be in store for Francesca.

Either way - Christ almighty, girls were expelled from MY school for far more interesting stuff. LSD scandals in Year 10! Getting pink bits digitised on the dance floor at the Year 9 dance! And we were a supposedly snooty private Catholic girls school - Barker, raise your game!

Later… In the ten minutes it took me to write that after noticing the article was on smh.com.au, her blogsite has had 600+ more hits. Other people love Google as well, obviously. If anyone comments on this, can they mentioned what her hit counter was like when they viewed the page?

PS: Gretel’s Scriptwriter helped me write the first half of this blog entry, hence excessive rhymes and terrible lines like “barely legal shores”.

June 28, 2004

Olsen-Polson Swap - Special Report by Steve Fellows

ausculture.com are proud to have the man behind the Boonie’s Mullet Exclusive and Shane Warne: Secret Agent back where he belongs, reporting on the big issues for ausculture.com.

Olsen - Polson Swap Exclusive! by Steve Fellows

In a remarkable display of showbiz solidarity, Tropfest mastermind John Polson today volunteered to stand in for stricken Olsen twin Mary-Kate who will miss the Australian leg of the publicity tour for the twins’ new movie New York Minute. Mary-Kate, one half of the richest twins in the world, has checked herself into a US clinic to treat a severe eating disorder.

Polson was quick to deny claims that he is trying to revive his flagging acting career by associating himself with the Olsens. Despite not appearing in the movie, being a teenage girl or even having met the twins, he claims he is the ideal celebrity to spruik New York Minute.

Speaking to entertainment namish Antonia Kidman, Polson said “I am the ideal celebrity to spruik New York Minute. I heard about Mary-Kate’s eating disorder and I thought bloody hell - our surnames rhyme!” At this stage it is unclear whether the twins will accept Polson’s generous offer.

To further complicate the matter, actor Danny Devito is said to be livid that he and Arnold Schwarzenegger were overlooked for the movie, despite not being teenage girls. He is seeking to block the release of the film, and has also stated that Full House star Bob Saget was the worst sitcom dad he has ever seen.

May 31, 2004

Saint Paris of Surfers Paradise

Awwww, bless. Paris has been spending time with sick kiddies while she does… ummm… whatever it is she’s doing in Queensland. “I just feel I have the time and the resources to help out,” the society heir said yesterday. “They’re just so sweet. I love children,” she said.

It’s good to see Paris doing something with her time over here other than fuelling ridiculously laughable rumours about a lusty bonkfest between her and Ian Thorpe. As IF Ian Thorpe would be having sex with women! I mean, he’d be far too busy training for the Olympics to indulge in the ladies… cough…

Dolly Quote! “I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb… and I also know that I’m not blonde.”