Category: sport

September 1, 2004

Wayne “Dead Ugly” Rooney Joins Manchester United

Teenage soccer sensation Wayne Rooney has just signed a six year contract with Manchester United for over $69million. Impressive, indeed - and surely a welcome piece of good news for Wayne after the last few weeks of media attention.

For those not aware, Mr Rooney has recently been in the press after revelations he’d been a regular visitor to a seedy brothel , where he shagged a cowgirl and a fourty-something grandmother known (affectionately no doubt) as the Auld Slapper.

But the dirt digging didn’t stop there. News of Wayne’s penchant for prostitutes continued to emerge after vice girl Charlotte Glover came forward, announcing Wayne had slept with her back in December 2002. Foolishly as he was both well-known and in a relationship at the time, Wayne decided it’d be a good idea to sign an autograph for his new lady friend which stated “To Charlotte, I shagged u on 28 Dec. Loads of Love. Wayne Rooney.” How delightful for his fiance Coleen!

As this rather amusing article on footballer’s saucy exploits so nicely put it -

Best. Tabloid. Quote. Ever.

August 25, 2004

Olympic Rower Robbins - Reunited With Team Mates?

As many of you may have heard, there has been some controversy over the Austrailan women’s rowing team - an affair I have decided to dub “Sallygate” for no particular reason.

news.com.au’s Olympic website has been following the story closely, and today there is a very interesting article regarding the “forced” reunification of the women’s rowing crew following negative remarks about Sally Robbins from her devastated team mates.

Check it out here. John Howard’s insights are marvellous, and Mark Latham’s comments are truly touching. Meow, Cathy Freeman!

Later Alright, alright - to the few that have emailed me - yes, this is another attempt at pisstaking. No, it’s not a real article. As for Robbins previous bridesmaid status, I really cannot confirm or deny.

July 21, 2004

Ian Thorpe - Not Gay.
(Did We Mention He’s Not Gay?)

Thorpie’s management company are continuing their “He’s Not Gay, We Swear!” campaign. Methinks the lady doth protest too much. To be honest, I think Ian’s cred would increase ten-fold were he homosexual.

In any case, it’d be a definite improvement from the Ian-Thorpe-Who-May-Have-Gotten-Frisky-With-Paris-Hilton- See-He’s-Not-Gay. Or the Ian-Thorpe-Who-Fancies-Jessica-Simpson-See- He’s-Not-Gay. Let’s not even get started on Ian-Thorpe-Who-Is-A-Metrosexual-Which-Means-No-Bumsexing-Cos-He’s-Straight-And-Not-Gay.

Throwing a tanty over this artwork has merely given the artists excess publicity, thus bringing the Thorpedo’s questioned sexuality back into the spotlight so it’s all a bit silly, isn’t it? Honestly Ian, don’t become the Tom Cruise of the swimming world. Erm, and I mean that in the litigation-happy sense and not the closeted sense. (Patrick - get the solicitors on the phone… what? We don’t have any? Bugger.)

I must ask though - how many teenage girls do you know with posters of Nicole Kidman on their walls, and photos of Ian Thorpe with the word “GAY” written above his head? I sniff a shameless grab for publicity.

July 20, 2004

Eadie Cleared - Good News For Nu-Metal

ausculture.com are delighted to hear that Sean Eadie has cleared his name and will be included in the Australian Olympic team after all. Eadie had been disqualified from the team after it emerged he had reportedly tried to import human growth hormone five years earlier.

The news is a welcome relief to Eadie who told reporters he planned on having a “relaxing night’s sleep”. He will be flying over to meet the rest of the Australian Olympic team in Germany shortly, where he will resume training. Following the Athens Olympic Games, Eadie is expected to rejoin his band System Of A Down on their European tour before heading back into the studio.

July 19, 2004

Un-Australian Of The Year ©

ausculture.com has a problem with commitment. We’re a veritable hussy in a world of honourable and chaste websites. You see, we constantly commit to stuff and never follow through. It’s kinda like Britney swearing to stay virginal till marriage and then getting busy with Justin, Fred, and Kevin Federline. Also rather like her marriage, for that matter.

We promised you Law & Order Appreciation Week and promptly forgot about it. Patrick began his “ausculture me” project and abandoned it within days. I declared I’d start writing a fortnightly segment about the Google searches people have done to arrive at ausculture.com, and immediately jumped ship. So hopefully, dear reader, you have learned to take most things we say with a “grain of salt”. Oooh, how Paul from Big Brother!

In the not-too-distant future, ausculture.com will be launching a very, very special project. “Special?” I hear you ask “you mean, even more so than the Big Brother & Australian Idol Blogfests?” Without a doubt. “What about Dolly Parton Appreciation Week?” Yup, more special than that.

Soon, you sexy bastards, we’ll be launching our Un-Australian Of The Year © competition! And there’ll be a special mini-site! Could you ask for any more? Yes, you could - you could ask to be involved, and involved you shall be. You will be asked to vote during the weekly rounds, building up to a frenzied voting crescendo during the Un-Australian Of The Year © final poll.

But before all that, we want your nominations for Un-Australian Of The Year ©. Please do not send us your suggestions by commenting below. Instead, email unaustralian@ausculture.com and if you feel like it, feel free to add your reasons why. You can vote more than once, and your vote will count. Unlike Big Brother, then.

Go on - unlike Australian Of The Year, it probably won’t go to some cricketer John Howard wants to touch inappropriately.