Category: randomrubbish
October 22, 2004
Thinking out loud: double or nothing
Whilst doing some research (reading the paper… online) I stumbled across the article ATMs rake in millions from fees at news.com.au. The article points out that
That’s an alarming statistic.
Anyway — it got me thinking about one of my pet ideas. An idea that combines two very popular pastimes in Australia (and the rest of the world.) I’m sure it’s been thought of by countless others and I’m sure the banks would never be allowed to do such a thing but…
The idea is to have a “double or nothing” option on ATM’s. So, when you go to withdraw 100 dollars from an ATM you can try to double your money — meaning you’ll either end up with 200 dollars or zero dollars. The double or nothing option could be selected multiple times consecutively. Having watched people play poker machines I expect that people would keep hitting the “double or nothing button” until they lost all their money. The banks would make a killing which is a good thing because they need more money.
Of course, the “double or nothing” option would not be evenly weighted. In other words, people wouldn’t have a 50/50 chance of doubling their money. Now, I don’t design poker machines at Aristocrat or anything but I expect the banks would want to change the odds in their own favour to help pay tax, account service fees and to give a nice boost to their profit margin. something like 90/10 in their favour would probably work.
Of course, the “double or nothing” concept need not end there. It could be added to all kinds of things such as gaol sentences, examination results, parking fines and sexual acts.
Stay tuned for next time when I discuss how there aren’t enough sports versions of popular products.
Posted by Patrick at 1:41 AM Link | Comments (8) | TrackBack (0)October 19, 2004
Australia — the clever country
I was surprised to find that someone actually fell for the “Nigerian businessman wants to transfer $32 billion to your bank account” routine and promptly sent over $1 million.
To later find that the individual involved was actually a financial advisor borders on hilarious.
Apparently ASIC were so dumbfounded that they initially had assumed the financial advisor in question was somehow involved in the scam
I feel very lucky to have found out about this type of scam before sending my life savings to Mr Ibe Dike, also from Nigeria. The following letter almost had me fooled… after all - it reads so professionally!
NIGERIA.
FROM THE DESK OF:
ACCOUNT DEPARTMENT.
MR IBE DIKE.
Dear Friend,
I am Mr Ibe Dike, I Work With Eco Bank Nigeria Plc, MR JOHN VOELKER Was Our Customer before He Died, who worked with shell development company in Nigeria. He Died in the plane crash of 31st October 1999[with Egyptian Airline 990] with other passengers onboard.
I have made several enquiries to your Embassy to locate any of my clients extended Relations, this has also proved unsuccessful. After these several unsuccessful attempts, I decided to trace his relatives over the Internet, to locate any member of his family but all the attempt was to no avail. I contacted you to assist in repatrating the money and property left behind by my client before they get confiscated or declared unserviceable by the bank where this huge deposits were lodged.Particularly, the Bank where the deceased had an account valued at about $9 million dollars.Consequently,The bank issued me a notice to provide the next of kin or have the account confiscated within the next Twenty One official working days.
Since i have been unsuccessfull in locating the relatives .I seek your consent to present you as the next of kin of the deceased since you are a Foreigner so that the proceeds of this account valued at $9 million dollars can be paid to you and then you and I can share the money. 55% to me and 40% to you,while 5% should be for expenses or taxes your government may require. All I require is your honest cooperation to enable us see this deal through. I guarantee that this will be executed under a legitimate arrangement that will protect you from any breach of the law. Please get in touch with me via my email to enable us discuss further.
Best Regards,Mr Ibe Dike.
September 29, 2004
Election Idol!
It had to happen. ausculture.com has been flitting about between Idol and Federal Election commentary for weeks now - it was only a matter of time before the two blurred into one nonsensical article. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome tonight’s representatives from various political parties and the Idol crew for a one off special!
——————————————————
Andrew G Hello Australia, and welcome to tonight’s episode of Election Idol.
James Mathison Soon we’ll be hearing from some of Australia’s favourite politicians chosen by you, the public. But before we meet our candidates would you please put your hands together for the Election Idol judges Mark Holden, Marcia Hines and Ian ‘Dicko’ Dickson!
Marcia Thank you so much.
Dicko Should be an interesting night tonight, guys.
Mark Fandango mahoy-doooooooo! Touchdown!
Andrew G Right… Anyway, our first performer tonight is an experienced politician. He’ll tour anywhere but Nauru, and he’s good friends with American Election 2000 Idol George W. Bush. Put your hands together for Prime Minister John Howard!
(*camera pans onto the solitary figure of John Howard onstage, a solitary spotlight focuses on his botoxed facial features*)
John Howard People of Australia, I have something to tell you before I begin. Mark Latham’s on his L-plates! I’ve guided you through the worst of times, and I want to continue leading the public through the worst of times - until I retire, in which case Abbott & Costello can duke it out for my Election Idol crown. Sure, I haven’t really provided you all with any hope for a better nation, but I can tell you what I *don’t* want for Australia!
(*sings*)
I don’t want no refugees
Struggling Australians? Not for me!
I just wanna maintain the squeeze!
Lick Dubya’s rectal cavity!
No, I don’t want no Medicare
I don’t wanna pluck my eyebrow hair!
I don’t want a education system that’s fair!
I want to appeal to the bourgeois Christian Anglo-Saxon married heterosexual pairs!
James Mathison Thank you, Prime Minister Howard. Judges, what did you think of John’s performance tonight?
Marcia You tried your best, sweetheart. Be true to yourself. I have nothing to say to you.
John Howard Thanks Marcia. For a foreign person of colour, you’re alright. Must be the American in you.
Mark Ummmm…… man, man oh man…… It’s like, whoa…… Okay, I feel it in my bones that you want this, man but dude, buddy…… it’s like…… whoa……. If it niggled my piggle a bit more, we’d be rockin’ the casbah to the gooney goo goo factor, but the fact is Simba is the Lion King, man. Simba is the Lion King! But yeah, Troppo Mondo Relaxo, buddy. Maybe next time.
John Howard Yes.
Dicko How long have you been doing this for, mate?
John Howard I’ve been performing as Prime Minister for about eight years.
Dicko The thing is mate, I just don’t know how I can market you. I mean, your voice - it’s terrible. If you were good looking enough, maybe I could overlook it but you just don’t appeal to the punters we’d be trying to get. It’s all about the three G’s - Gays, Girls and Graduates. They just don’t trust you, mate.
John Howard But what about those who are scared of Aboriginals? Those who are petrified of gay marriage ruining their God given exclusive right to divorce or cheat on their wives and husbands? Those who are frightened of rising interest rates? Those who are disturbed by those horrible yellow and brown people hopping on a boat, turning up uninvited and taking our valuable jobs and benefits from legitimate illegal immigrants, like British backpackers? And what about the people I have attempted to buy off with my $5 billion dollars worth of election promises, which may or may not turn out to be non-core?
Dicko That’s the thing, mate. You might scare or bribe them into NOT voting for someone else, but you’re just not likable as a person. Even easy going musicians don’t like you. There’s every chance you’ll be snubbed at the 2005 ARIA Awards, just like Guy and Shannon! You’ve insulted leading economists, you’ve offended human rights campaigners - at this rate, you’ll be lucky enough to have a market at all by the time the Election Idol final comes around!
John Howard But… but I’m not here for all of the Australian public, Dicko. My friend George calls me a “Man Of Steel”, not a “Man Of The People”. As far as I’m concerned, if you can’t afford private health care, if you can’t afford a private school, if you’re not in a marginal electorate - I really don’t have much to say to you at all. Unless you’re not smart or rich enough to do one of my $100,000 university degrees, in which case I’m happy to have you trained in various technical trades. We Kirribilli folk always need hired help from time to time.
Dicko Fair enough, mate - I’m just saying that you’re really very hard to sell.
John Howard Thankfully not to money hungry conservatives who have had all traces of a conscience removed!
Dicko You may have a point. Meanwhile, let’s get the Maybelline styling team working on your eyebrows, eh?
Andrew G Wow, well - certainly some fireworks there between Dicko and John Howard!
James You’re not wrong. Any of the judges have anything to add?
Mark Holden Balooga, my rag time gal. Balooga and cheese sticks. I think I’ve soiled myself.
Andrew G Excellent. Stay tuned Australia, because after a short break, we’re going to have Natasha Stott-Despoja representing the Democrats. Natasha is stepping up to the plate after Andrew Bartlett did a Millsy on Good Morning Australia and forgot to turn up due to hangover…
POINTLESS ELECTION IDOL COVERAGE WILL CONTINUE ON AUSCULTURE.COM SHORTLY!
Posted by Jess at 6:17 PM Link | Comments (5) | TrackBack (0)August 18, 2004
Disturbing Google Search Phrases Report Returns!
I once claimed that publishing a Disturbing Google Search Phrases report would be a fortnightly ausculture.com event. Ha! That was in April! Perhaps waiting a few months was a good idea, as all manner of entertaining people have found their way to the site after punching in the oddest (and, admittedly, not so odd) stuff. So ladies and gentlemen, it’s time for our traditional “fortnightly” Disturbing Google Search Phrases Report!
ian thorpe gay Along with “ian thorpe” gay and is ian thorpe gay, this has suddenly become one of our more popular search engine lures. Has the temptation of seeing Ian in his skin-tight body suit driven gay men and housewives across the world into a Thorpie frenzy, and could this frenzy have led to their internet based investigation into what stroke Ian prefers?
ian thrope And now the dyslexics jump on the Ian bandwagon! Welcome, friends!
james mathison I find it odd that so many people come here searching for James Mathison and no one is searching for Andrew G. Could this be due to popular Internet opinion that Andrew G is a twat with girly hair? Am I the only person in the world who would still touch him inappropriately? (“Yes.” - Everyone else in the world)
francesca willis It’s nice to see that Frannie’s nubile boozies are still drawing in the punters.
toni pearen nude The E-Street perve is back! Also, I feel that I should point out that Toni is beating Melissa Tkautz in the much coveted position of “Most Searched For Porn Starring An E-Street Castmember:. Shockingly, Bruce Samazan is not even a contender.
cosima devita Why am I not surprised many of her fans struggle to spell her name, along with most other words in the English language? omg cozime, i luv u 4 EVA!
collette dinnigan richard wilkins How depressing. Who searches these two, other than possibly Richard himself? Incidentally, Collette was nominated in our Un-Australian Of The Year © competition (no, we haven’t forgotten about it…) for having participated in Richard Wilkins reproducing on Australian soil.
australias next top model Have we written anything about this impending show?! It’s being hosted by Erika “Lemon Lips” Heynatz, the sourest presenter on television. Can’t wait to watch her chastising a 16 year old wannabe model for having one too many Tim-Tams.
“bucky katt plush” Urgh. The fact that I know about plushies (aka furries) and realised immediately that this search phrase was entered by someone looking to fuck a stuffed toy just goes to show you how much the Internet has taught me about freaky fetishes.
bree farting Pop quiz - what is the technical term for a farting fetish?
fat britney Well, that’s not very nice, is it?
spongebob squarepants having sex Okay, now this person is a legitimate weirdo. I’m not confirming or denying anything, but I find it interesting that Patrick used to write for another website under the nomme de plumme “SpongeBob”… Co-incidence? I think not.
dolly parton tit information How many times must I tell you people, Dolly’s more than just a pair of tits! Or even a singular tit!
georgee idol Only one person has searched this phrase, and I suspect it might have been Georgee himself. Hi, Georgee!
izzy hoyland fansite Gasp, horror, splutter! An Izzy Hoyland fansite?! She drove a wedge between the beloved Kennedy’s and turned Karl into a horny old man instead of the respectable alcoholic family man we always loved - how could anyone adore her enough to create a website about her?! Sacrilege!
review cosima single Here’s the short version - it’s shithouse.
i met james mathison from australian idol Did you? And what did you expect Google to do upon hearing this revelation - congratulate you?
ian thorpe and tom cruise How interesting! Did I ever tell you guys that rumour or is it total coincidence that someone ended up here using that search phrase?
keven federline biography I believe the abridged version goes “Was a nobody. Began shagging Britney. Own only one set of clothes (jeans, white shirt, baseball cap).”
cutting boys testicles off Ewwww, please tell me that’s not another fetish, I’ve only just become used to Boytaurs.
"learn to strip" Not many people realise that ausculture.com is merely a front for a powerful stripper training organisation. Clearly though, the wool wasn’t pulled over this eager exotic dancer’s eyes.
blossom russo six bed Could it be possible? Does someone actually enjoy fantasies about Blossom and Six getting it on, DeGeneres style?
Well, wasn’t that highly revealing and useless!
Posted by Jess at 12:07 PM Link | Comments (3) | TrackBack (0)August 12, 2004
You Know You’ve Made It When…
You get spammed from your own email address. While I’ve become used to receiving spam from admin@ausculture.com most days directed towards the graxonwatch@ausculture.com email address, imagine my surprise and delight when the sexy, alluring jess@ausculture.com emailed me about improving the size of my “little man”. How did she know I kept a dwarf under my bed?
I might add that if any of you are getting annoying spam from our address, it’s not actually from us (though we are deeply worried about your penis size, household debts and unfinished Nigerian business). Even though we joked about it on our mailing list sign up page, I can assure you we never sold your email addresses for “shitloads” of cash. At least, erm, I didn’t… Patrick, remind me again how you managed to afford your trip to Majorca next week?
Posted by Jess at 10:51 PM Link | TrackBack (0)August 2, 2004
World Domination Quest II -
Over In Less Than 24 Hours?
Hmmm. Who knew media types were so… nice?
After my email last night to Sydney Confidential, I was surprised to awake this morning to discover a reply in my inbox. Fiona Connolly, our Sydney Confidential lady of choice, wrote back to say that next mention of Graxon will be attributed to ausculture.com and that it should have been in the first place. Then she wished us luck with the site.
Well.
That’s rather lovely, isn’t it? So much like Big Brother 2004, the finale of our email shenanigans has been rather anti-climatic. Bugger.
Of course, this could mean the end of seeing Graxon in the media but at ausculture.com we’re hopeful our publicity whoring can only lead to bigger and better things. If you see ausculture.com refereed to anywhere, be sure to email me and let me know - as a Piscean, my self-esteem constantly needs boosting and this may well be the best way to keep my fragile spirits up.
Now I solemnly promise to go straight back to blogging and leave this quest for fame alone. Cross my heart.
Posted by Jess at 3:01 PM Link | TrackBack (0)Seducing The Sydney Confidential Ladies
As some of you who read our Big Brother blog would know, ausculture.com launched a campaign to get the term “Graxon” used in the media. Why? We’re still working that out for ourselves. Still, we were shocked to find out campaign was rather a success, with Graxon-mentions being spotted in Melbourne street press (no, Davek, we haven’t forgotten about you - bless) and heard on Victorian radio.
Our biggest goal was getting Sydney Confidential, a gossip and showbiz column in the Daily Telegraph, to start liberally using the term so we emailed them and alerted them to our cause. Gasp, shock, horror - they embraced Graxon, and it’s been spotted at least twice in their column over the last two weeks.
Unfortunately, ausculture.com didn’t get much of a mention - and by “much” I mean “any mention whatsoever”. Hence all our plans for wealth and fame were crushed beyond recognition and we’ve spent the last week or so cowering under our doonas, crying and sobbing over our shattered goals.
But as a wise Japanese mystic once told me, “Stop your fucking sulking Jess, and get back to harassing your way to the top!” Touché, Nayimasaki…
So tonight I emailed Sydney Confidential a few article ideas they could use in order to plug our website in the papers, therefore leading to unimaginable arrogance, bling-bling shopping sprees with P. Diddy and saucy hotel antics with Paris Hilton.
Will our charming, subtle cry for attention be welcomed by The Con? Or will we be cruelly shot down, destined to live out our dull and depressing current existence? Below are screenshots of our burgeoning email relationship with the Sydney Confidential gals, and as we know our readers are as eager for ausculture.com world domination as we are (ie: not all that much but you’re bored enough to indulge the thought) we’ll be sure to keep you informed of any progress. Pray for us.
July 23, 2004
Bits and pieces.
Headline of the day must surely go The Age with an article entitled Submachine-guns found in weapons factory. Even better, it took Senator Ellison to inform us that the sub-machine guns found are “…not designed for duck shooting.”
Thanks Senator.
Apparently yellow cars are safer because they’re more visible. Makes you think what a fortunate accident it is that many raincoats also happen to be yellow.
On that note, the Sydney Morning Herald registration just for reading an article is annoying me so I’ll probably head on over to Bug me not think about registering sometime in the near future.
July 20, 2004
Immature work sniggering
I’m sitting in my new office and in front of me is a box of chocolates (Freddo’s, Caramello Koalas and the like), the contents of which are being sold to raise money for the social club.
Am I incredibly immature to be giggling maniacally at the instructions on the box?
SLIDE FINGER UNDER FLAP
LIFT GENTLY
I am, aren’t I? I’ll go now.
Posted by Jess at 3:24 PM Link | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)July 19, 2004
Un-Australian Of The Year ©
ausculture.com has a problem with commitment. We’re a veritable hussy in a world of honourable and chaste websites. You see, we constantly commit to stuff and never follow through. It’s kinda like Britney swearing to stay virginal till marriage and then getting busy with Justin, Fred, and Kevin Federline. Also rather like her marriage, for that matter.
We promised you Law & Order Appreciation Week and promptly forgot about it. Patrick began his “ausculture me” project and abandoned it within days. I declared I’d start writing a fortnightly segment about the Google searches people have done to arrive at ausculture.com, and immediately jumped ship. So hopefully, dear reader, you have learned to take most things we say with a “grain of salt”. Oooh, how Paul from Big Brother!
In the not-too-distant future, ausculture.com will be launching a very, very special project. “Special?” I hear you ask “you mean, even more so than the Big Brother & Australian Idol Blogfests?” Without a doubt. “What about Dolly Parton Appreciation Week?” Yup, more special than that.
Soon, you sexy bastards, we’ll be launching our Un-Australian Of The Year © competition! And there’ll be a special mini-site! Could you ask for any more? Yes, you could - you could ask to be involved, and involved you shall be. You will be asked to vote during the weekly rounds, building up to a frenzied voting crescendo during the Un-Australian Of The Year © final poll.
But before all that, we want your nominations for Un-Australian Of The Year ©. Please do not send us your suggestions by commenting below. Instead, email unaustralian@ausculture.com and if you feel like it, feel free to add your reasons why. You can vote more than once, and your vote will count. Unlike Big Brother, then.
Go on - unlike Australian Of The Year, it probably won’t go to some cricketer John Howard wants to touch inappropriately.
Posted by Jess at 1:27 PM Link | TrackBack (0)July 17, 2004
Most Influential Australians
Lucky us - another list published in the papers for us to heckle! Anytime you gather a group of names and label them “Most Something Or Other” you’re always likely to get critics, aren’t you - and I personally quite enjoy being one of those critics.
Basically, The Australian has declared fourty of our fellow countrymen & women to be the “Forty Most Infuential Australians”.
We’ve listed the top 15 below, and if you want to check out the rest, head here.
2. Peter Carey
3. Rupert Murdoch
4. Ian Thorpe
5. Noel Pearson
6. Peter Costello
7. Mark Latham
8. Pru Goward
9. Kerry Packer
10. Shane Warne
11. Peter Singer
12. Baz Luhrmann
13. Tony Abbott
14. Allan Moss
15. Bob Brown
The list of the Top 15 contains five politicians (two of them less twattish than most, I guess), one underwear mogul, a cricketer (did Howard compile the list?) and Kate Fisher’s mum. Do you agree with the list?
Posted by Jess at 7:18 PM Link | Comments (7) | TrackBack (0)July 15, 2004
ausculture.com In The Telegraph
I was rather amused when going through my emails tonight (after a good few days away, so those who emailed me - sorry about the delay in replying) when I opened something from Patrick. He had discovered that the Daily Telegraph quoted little old ausculture.com in an opinion piece about the Franscesca Willis ‘scandal’. But guess who they attributed the quote to?
“one website…” ? For God’s sake, the Graxon campaign is a schmozzle, Channel Ten’s Up Late show snubbed our ridiculous bingo - finally, we get mentioned in the press and they can’t even be bothered using our name? ausculture.com! It’s not that hard, Caroline Regidor! Ooooh, see? Even I can use names! Bless. Maybe next time, eh?
To read the article yourself, head here.
Posted by Jess at 6:48 PM Link | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)July 4, 2004
Barker Girl Scandal - Cough
Well, seventeen year old would-be model Francesca Willis has gotten the kind of huge publicity most aspiring cat-walkers would throw up another dinner for.
The young Barker student has had a saucy photo of her in her school uniform emailed around the world, eventually causing her suspension from school, and a classy article on smh.com.au
The article mentions that Francesca had a website which was taken down on Friday, but one quick Google search (thanks for the helpful clues, Fairfax!) and we have a delightful cache. Now, from how the article refer to the website, you’d think she’d been running a smut-fest online for years. From what I can see, canny Frannie (oooh!) managed to throw this site together just in time for the publicity wave to pound on her barely legal shores.
Some Trivia! - Francesca says she likes Krispy Kreme Donuts. She’s either lying or has the kind of metabolism most women would murder for. She also loves “christian dior sunglasses” and Love Is Only A Feeling by The Darkness. Well, she has good taste in bands then. One of her (two) blog entries also contains an insightful top ten list of models. Thanks to a cache of her profile, we also know her interests include getting naked, which means she has a lot in common with Big Merl, the other Blogger user who lists that as his interest. No doubt your average male would be more interested in seeing her get naked than our friend Big Merl.
So now thanks to ausculture.com and Google, you now know a little more about the young breasts smh.com.au felt necessary to publish in their Sunday paper. Because, you know, it’s pretty important national news. In fact, expect ausculture.com to continue with our mini-blog-site trend and create an all new Barker Boozies Blogfest for the publics consumption.
Okay, I shall end my sarcasm. But I really do wonder why they (the paper) felt the need to publish this article? Are they trying to embarrass her? Ensure she becomes as synonymous as Claire Swires regarding email no-nos? The fact I could type that name from memory and didn’t need to do some search engine research goes to show what could be in store for Francesca.
Either way - Christ almighty, girls were expelled from MY school for far more interesting stuff. LSD scandals in Year 10! Getting pink bits digitised on the dance floor at the Year 9 dance! And we were a supposedly snooty private Catholic girls school - Barker, raise your game!
Later… In the ten minutes it took me to write that after noticing the article was on smh.com.au, her blogsite has had 600+ more hits. Other people love Google as well, obviously. If anyone comments on this, can they mentioned what her hit counter was like when they viewed the page?
PS: Gretel’s Scriptwriter helped me write the first half of this blog entry, hence excessive rhymes and terrible lines like “barely legal shores”.
Posted by Jess at 5:39 AM Link | Comments (47) | TrackBack (0)July 2, 2004
Saddam - Not A Happy Little Vegemite
Saddam Hussein is certainly not looking his dictatorly best at his trial, eh? In the past, he had an air of murderous authority, but now? He looks like a deranged bum you’d find ranting about religious issues on some street corner in an undesirable part of town. Perhaps once they’re finished with the trial, someone will send Carson & Co his way to ensure he looks his best when the time comes for him to depart this earth and head straight to hell.
Speaking of Vegemite, the Jewish community is up in arms with the news that no more kosher Vegemite will be produced. Seems slightly unfair to deprive Jews of rosy Vegemite cheeks now, doesn’t it? Kraft, get your act together and let’s ensure our national spread is available for all religions!
Finally (and back to the topic of QEFTSG), Comedy Inc may have done something remotely amusing (though we’ll have to watch the episode to see if they pulled it off). The comedy sketch show have Ian Thorpe being sent up in an upcoming episode involving Queer Eye For The Straight Guy. The general joke being that he’s already as “Queer Eyed” as he’s gonna get. Was that subtle enough to avoid lawsuits?
Posted by Jess at 10:22 AM Link | TrackBack (0)July 1, 2004
Baby bonus refused
A young woman, today denied the Howard Government’s $3000 maternity payment, has labeled the governments changes to the system as “ridiculous.”
As a result of recent calls for adjustments to the system, social workers have already been give the power to change the $3000 baby bonus lump sum into a fortnightly payment if mothers are judged (under new guidelines) to be “vulnerable.”
However, a further amendment, known as the “human genetic code only” amendment has left Mrs Johnstone (pictured with twins Simon and Taylor) $3000 worse off and, she says “disenchanted with the current goverment.”
Posted by Patrick at 2:52 AM Link | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)June 28, 2004
Olsen-Polson Swap - Special Report by Steve Fellows
ausculture.com are proud to have the man behind the Boonie’s Mullet Exclusive and Shane Warne: Secret Agent back where he belongs, reporting on the big issues for ausculture.com.
Olsen - Polson Swap Exclusive! by Steve Fellows
In a remarkable display of showbiz solidarity, Tropfest mastermind John Polson today volunteered to stand in for stricken Olsen twin Mary-Kate who will miss the Australian leg of the publicity tour for the twins’ new movie New York Minute. Mary-Kate, one half of the richest twins in the world, has checked herself into a US clinic to treat a severe eating disorder.
Polson was quick to deny claims that he is trying to revive his flagging acting career by associating himself with the Olsens. Despite not appearing in the movie, being a teenage girl or even having met the twins, he claims he is the ideal celebrity to spruik New York Minute.
Speaking to entertainment namish Antonia Kidman, Polson said “I am the ideal celebrity to spruik New York Minute. I heard about Mary-Kate’s eating disorder and I thought bloody hell - our surnames rhyme!” At this stage it is unclear whether the twins will accept Polson’s generous offer.
To further complicate the matter, actor Danny Devito is said to be livid that he and Arnold Schwarzenegger were overlooked for the movie, despite not being teenage girls. He is seeking to block the release of the film, and has also stated that Full House star Bob Saget was the worst sitcom dad he has ever seen.
Posted by Jess at 3:56 PM Link | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)June 24, 2004
More hard-hitting documentaries
My own prediction for the next big thing in television (apart from re-runs of A.L.F.) is Michael Moore-esque / Spurlock-esque hard-hitting, take no prisoners, no-holds-barred, in-your-face… documentaries. Granted my own predictions are rarely correct.
Personally, I don’t think anything will best a Ficus running for congress. Still, with the saturation of reality shows, it seems like a natural progression. Either that or massive popularity of Muppets or cartoons. When do Shrek 2 and The Spongebob Squarepants movies get released to cinemas?
Yeah, so animations have been popular for a long time…not going to stop me predicting the success that Shrek 2 has already had.
Posted by Patrick at 4:20 PM Link | TrackBack (0)June 10, 2004
Clue Explanations
Ahem. Let’s begin, shall we?
Clue one was taken from a painting called “The Scream” by Edvard Munch. How does this relate to Law & Order? Well, the painter was called Munch, and Richard Belzer plays Detective Munch on Law & Order: SVU!
Clue number two was a delightful midi file of a mid-nineties pop hit. The song? Runaway. The artist? The Real McCoy. So what does that have to do with Law & Order? Why, the world’s best ADA on Law & Order just happens to be a Mr Jack McCoy!
Clue number three was this picture which was sent exclusively by email. As you can see, it’s of a wolf howling at the moon. Connection? Law & Order was created and is produced by Dick Wolf!
Clue four was a picture of someone in handcuffs. Doesn’t take a genius to work out how this might be related to Law & Order now, does it? Course not!
The alluring clue number five was a picture of Jayne Mansfield. Related to Law & Order how? Well, she’s the mother of Law & Order: SVU’s Mariska Hargitay (who plays Det. Olivia Benson).
My original rather crap unofficial clue number six was the following statement. If Tom Jones was involved in a musical, and that musical sounded a little like a soft drink - how would something about that musical be related to our topic of appreciation?
Well. I buggered that up royally. A Mr Tom Jones cowrote Broadway’s longest running musical The Fantasticks, which starred a certain Jerry Orbach as El Gallo. Jerry has recently quit his beloved Law & Order character Lenny Briscoe to pursue other stuff. Boo!
The official clue number six was a picture of three productions - Dirty Dancing, New Jack City & Angel. Dirty Dancing starred Jerry Orbach as Baby’s dad, New Jack City starred Ice T who plays Det. Fin Tutuola on Law & Order: SVU, and Angel originally starred Elizabeth Rohm as Kate, and she now appears on Law & Order as an ADA.
Phew!
Posted by Jess at 5:41 PM Link | Comments (2) | TrackBack (0)It’s Been Solved!
Congratulations to Crystal for being the most persistant and craftiest clue hound out of all the ausculture.com readers. She has guessed correctly that next week’s topic of appreciation is in fact Law & Order! Which one? All of ‘em!
Now I know Law & Order ain’t everyone’s cup of tea - hell, it’s not even Australian. But it is one of my favouritest television shows in the world and I want to share it with you all, because I love you in a platonic way. So I hope you tolerate me during the next week like you did with Dolly week, and you too will learn to love the ins and outs of Law & Order.
Posted by Jess at 5:17 PM Link | TrackBack (0)And Now A Sixth Clue
The other one I gave obviously doesn’t count since it was so bloody confusing! Ahem. Apologies. Back to simple pictures then, eh? Okay. Personally I think Clue #6 is a huge giveaway but I’m feeling generous - also, I happen to know the answer so it’s easier for me to see the links. Someone connected to each of the things below is also related to Appreciation Week. That is all.
Is It Time For A Fifth Clue? Yes It Is!
And it’s also time for another purdy picture. Who is the person below? How are they related to the topic of appreciation? Oooh. Another clue. I’m just too good. I expect someone to decipher all the clues and work out the answer by Friday night, you know - and if I have to make the clues easier, then so be it!
June 9, 2004
Fourth Clue For Next Week’s Topic Of Appreciation
Hmmm. I’m certainly going for visual clues this week, aren’t I? Okay, here’s clue number four - and personally, I reckon it’s a giveaway!
Is it something kinky? Who knows? Well, I do obviously, but you need to work it out! Remember that Google is your best friend when it comes to making your decision. Also, it’s worth making a list of all the things that spring to mind for each clue, and then seeing if it is related to anything that sprang to mind for the other clues. If that makes sense.
Posted by Jess at 4:14 PM Link | Comments (19) | TrackBack (0)June 7, 2004
Second Clue For Next Week’s Topic Of Appreciation
You know what we don’t see enough of in this fast paced, mp3 savvy world? Good old fashioned midi files. So we at ausculture.com are going to flash back a decade and offer up this gem as a clue. You’ll need to have a decent knowledge of rubbish pop from the nineties, and pinpoint exactly what the clue is before adding it to the jigsaw that is Appreciation Week. Expand your mind, kittens, and pump up the volume!
PS: The next clue (#3 in a collectable series) will be coming exclusively via email. If you would like the clue, email jess@ausculture.com and lemme know you want in on the next clue delivery (ETA: midday tomorrow).
Posted by Jess at 11:14 PM Link | Comments (12) | TrackBack (0)First Clue For Next Week’s Topic Of Appreciation
Does this clue make any sense to you? Perhaps not but by Sunday, combined with clues to come, it just might do the trick! We’ll see…