Laurie Oakes is a cane toad.
- On Laurie Oakes

You had an important place in Australian society on the ABC and you gave it up to be a pop star…with a big cheque…and now you’re on to this sort of stuff. That shows what a 24 carat pissant you are, Richard, that’s for sure.
- To Richard Carleton

That you Jim? Paul Keating here. Just because you swallowed a fucking dictionary when you were about 15 doesn’t give you the right to pour a bucket of shit over the rest of us.”
- To Former Labour politician, Jim McClelland (on the phone)

Fucking animals.
- On the Press

Go and get a job!
- To a University student protesting about fees

“Taxpayer money”

The term “taxpayer money” can be useful in promoting emotional response from the public regarding where such money is spent.

Unfortunately, there’s no picking and choosing about what money spent by the government is labelled “taxpayer money,” usually you’re looking at an all or none situation.

At any rate, reading something like the following in the SMH

I’m about as thrilled at the prospect of watching more crappy political commercials, as I would be at the prospect of owning a pair of these.

August 27, 2004

Howard Friday Continues | His Ministry

In searching for a photo of Tim Howard to use in our last blog entry, I found myself at our dear Prime Minister’s official web page. Looking around, I found a link to his ministry and spent the next five minutes looking at the Liberal party’s high rankers. While I’m the first to admit that portrait shots (much like school photographs) are rarely flattering, I must say that Howard’s ministry certainly are a mixed bag of lollies… a bag quite possibly left on the Pacific Highway during peak hour.

Before anyone starts getting defensive, yes - I know I’m a bad person. Yes, I am going straight to hell… where I’ll probably meet up with the rest of the Liberal party. Boom boom!

This is our Minister for Science. He looks like the kind of guy who’d stay back late at the lab in order to indulge in some cybersex with hotblonde_69, not realising that she is in fact a 53 year old truck driver called Larry from Idaho.

Ladies and gentlemen, our Minister for Agriculture, Fisheries and Forestry. He’d kill you as soon as look at you. See the fiery anger burning behind his eyes? That’s for you. He hates you.

The infamous Tony Abbott. Surely I am not alone in thinking that Tony appears to be the long lost sibling of these fellows. Normally I would feel dreadful saying that about anyone, but Tony Abbott is a homophobic, sexist cunt who deserves everything he gets.

Would you trust this man to be the Minister for Justice and Customs when he can’t even find the fucking camera?! How the hell is he meant to run a department dedicated to anal cavity searches when the task of looking at a camera directly eludes him? Unless of course, the Minister is in fact trying to look wistful and sultry, in which case his political success may just be due to winning over the influential and highly desirable Mills & Boon voting demographic.

The Minister for Education, Science and Training, Mr Brendan Nelson. I am unable to confirm rumours Brendan is missing a chromosome or three. Since I think Brendan might be my local member (and I mean that in every sense) I should be more pleasant, but I really can’t be bothered.

Why is the Special Minister of State so cheery in this picture? At that very moment in time, he had an erection and he couldn’t help but giggle when the photographer glanced at the ‘special state’ of his trousers.

The Minister for Employment and Workplace Relations is considered quite a moody bastard in Canberra. Obviously applying Toupee-In-A-Can each morning on his cranium doesn’t agree with him.

Friday Is… John Howard Day!

Well, sort of. Regular readers of ausculture.com would know how much I adore our beloved Prime Minister, and when I am forced (in the name of blog-journalistic integrity, or something) to report on his various troubles, I feel pain. Loads of it. In fact, as the great poet Bryan Adams once said - it cuts like a knife.

So it brings me no joy to say that this morning, reports have emerged that as well as being a liar and an arsekisser, John Howard can also add “spammer” to his resume.

Never one to shy away from slight displays of nepotism (see also - Richard Howard’s attempted internship with the Bush Administration) it would appear John has arranged for a Sydney software company to begin sending out unsolicited emails in order to lure voters to the dark side into voting for the Liberals in the upcoming federal election. The software company? Net Harbour Pty Limited - lo and behold, one of the directors of Net Harbour is Mr Tim Howard, the fruit of Johnny’s loins! What a coincidence!

Of course, I’m sure the public will find nothing improper about John Howard arranging for his son’s company to spam potential voters with Liberal party propaganda, so this is all a mild weather disturbance in a teacup, or something.

Coming Up Next On John Howard Friday
An indepth analysis on the aesthetic appeal of John Howard’s ministry!

August 18, 2004

What Good Is A Get Well Card…

… if the person it’s been created for never sees it?

This question plagued me on the bus ride home from work. There was only one thing for it - emailing Mark Latham directly and letting him know that ausculture.com and its readers were behind him.

Get Well Soon, Mark Latham!

ausculture.com are sad to report that Opposition Leader Mark Latham has fallen ill and was rushed to hospital yesterday after a conversation with Bob Hawke. From all accounts, Latham’s sudden illness was not brought on by the actual act of speaking to Hawke. Rather, ausculture.com believe Latham’s stomach cramps are simply his body’s way of displaying it’s disgust with Prime Minister John Howard’s lies and backpeddling. Quite literally, Mark Latham has had a gutful.

Even whilst unwell, Mark Latham still went out of his way to reassure the Australian people that he’s just like one of us - he insisted on going to a public hospital. Truly, Mark is a champion of the people.

ausculture.com has taken the liberty of creating a get well card for the Opposition Leader, chock-a-block with Mark’s favourite things. Like what, you ask? Well, children’s books, disgruntled old men, beer, footy, gangsta rap, Meat Loaf, Gough Whitlam and Sydney taxis.

I’m sure you all join me in wishing him a speedy recovery, where he can resume his favourite sport - verbally thrashing John Howard.

August 17, 2004

PM Wisecracks: “Moralise? Me?”

ausculture.com recently referred to the Liberal Party as Australia’s most under-rated comedy troupe, and today the mirth inducing Australian Prime Minister, Mr John Winston Howard, proved that even though his days are filled to the brim with important matters (like refuting claims he’s a liar, and resisting Mark Latham’s attempts at verbal warfare) he still has time to amuse the Australian people with his comedy stylings.

After Parramatta MP Ross Cameron admitted that he’d had an affair, John Howard rushed to encourage voters to look at Cameron’s political record and not judge him on his private life.

It’s not the first time Howard has indicated he’s not interested in discussing the private lives of his fellow politicians - he resisted personally passing judgement on Mark Latham’s woes a few months back, but does that really count when your very own political party is suspected to be behind the dirt-digging that resulted in Latham’s private affairs hitting the media in the first place?

Of course you’re not, John. Unless it’s those pesky gays again, in which case moralising is a God given right. After all, there’s a fine line between tolerance and endorsement, and those poofs need to be put in their place. We might not be arresting you, son, but don’t think we’re not wishing we could stone you while you’re bumming that twink.

Indeed, it’s merely common sense and not moralising that leads you to encourage us to remember our Judeo-Christian heritage whenever we might be tempted to change laws so people in our society aren’t discriminated against.

Johnny, you might have your naysayers, but at least we all know that you’re never one to moralise.

August 12, 2004

Who Said Internet Advertising Was Uninformative?

There I was, bored and clicking away randomly on our ads in order to earn US 5c towards our website costs (I’m only half-lying) when one of the links I clicked revealed something interesting!

It would appear John “Beans Means Heinz Money In My Wife’s Pocket” Kerry, the Democrat presidential candidate, has a rock’n’roll past. That’s right, John formed a band in high school called The Electras and even recorded some of their original rockin’ tunes!

ausculture.com feel that Kerry’s rock credentials confirm that he is the best man for the top job in the United States, although it was a close call since George W. Bush’s youthful cocaine habit constitutes rather rock’n’roll behaviour a la Stevie Nicks, Noel Gallagher and thousands more.

Check out the surf-rock spectacular that is The Electras “You Can’t Sit Down”. Right click and save, as always, and throw away your chair!

July 30, 2004

“No confetti yet. Go balloons. More balloons…”

The Democratic Convention ended with a rather amusing Rainman-ish rant, after convention centre director Don Mischer was heard in a voice over on television channel CNN cursing the fact that not enough balloons and confetti were released following John Kerry’s official acceptance of the Democrat’s nomination.

Perhaps Don was just being metaphorical? After all, who hasn’t been waiting on their “balloons and confetti” from the powers that be from time to time? People across the world pray that the balloon of love will fall into their grateful hands, and not get stuck in the rafters of relationship problems. And haven’t we all asked God from time to time “Where’s my confetti, big fella?”

Don’t worry, Don - ausculture.com know what you were really trying to say…

July 26, 2004

Happy Birthday, Mr Prime Minister

As mentioned yesterday on ausculture.com, Australian Prime Minister John Winston Howard is today celebrating his 65th birthday. John has chosen today to proclaim that Australian voters in the upcoming Federal election won’t care about his age.

Touche, Johnny. So when I head to the ballots later in the year, I’ll remember the lies you’ve told during your leadership, the damage you could do in the future to the international reputation of this nation should you remain in power, and the fact that you stand for those in society who care about money, corporations and fawning over the moronic George W Bush and his equally deplorable Republican party.

According to the article on smh.com.au, the Prime Minister was greeted on his morning walk by Greenpeace activists who were protesting the Federal Government’s refusal to ratify the Kyoto protocol.

Add me to the list of people who “miss the point”. You see, I was under the impression that perhaps preserving the environment for future generations would outweigh ensuring a few thousand jobs avoid the chop, thus aiding your campaign to protect your own self-serving agenda as Prime Minister. What a daft, silly hippy I am!

Bonus John Fun! - Let’s take a moment to admit that although as a politician John Howard is repugnant, as a fashion icon he is truly without peer.

Tony Abbott’s Smokey Past

Ahh, you’ve gotta love the Liberal Party - Canberra’s best unintentional comedy troupe. First piece of evidence? John Howard’s eyebrows. Second piece of evidence? The Liberal Party contains two politicians named Abbott & Costello. Third piece of evidence? Their knee-slappingly retro approach to morality.

Whilst Labor leaders Gough Whitlam, Paul Keating and Mark Latham were occasionally hilarious due to intentional use of wit, the Liberals have always upstaged their less conservative parliamentary pals through straight-faced satire. At least, we hope that’s the case.

The latest comedy gag from the Government? A rib-tickling piss-take of Bill Clinton by champagne comedy giant Tony Abbott. Most of us would remember when Bill “Is That A Cigar In Your Pocket, Or Are You Just Pleased To See Me” Clinton admitted in 1992 to trying marijuana, but assuring the public that he “didn’t inhale”.

In response to Opposition Leader Mark Latham’s recent acknowledgement that he had tried (and inhaled, no less) cannabis, Tony Abbott decided to also jump aboard the metaphorical Stoner Express in an effort to arrive at Streetwise Central just ahead of the Federal election and admitted to having smoked the reefer back in his wild and crazy student days - although he too claims to have “not inhaled” (boom boom!). Presumably, he found time to experiment with pot in between starting arguments, making racist comments, indulging in sexist conduct and revelling in homophobic behaviour. What a character!

Naturally, members of the public are curious as to why Federal politicians are clambering over themselves to admit to smoking pot - thankfully, ausculture.com have the answer. Two words - Shannon Noll. After witnessing the public’s warm response to the Australian Idol runner up’s “I ‘took’ pot when I was younger!” revelation, our nation’s political parties have realised just what a gem a past drug habit can be when it comes to popularity polls.

Abbott isn’t the only Liberal party member to admit to a less-than-angelic past. Peter Costello has acknowledged that during a holiday to Manchester during 1988’s “Second Summer Of Love” he licked an ecstasy tablet - but did not swallow - and Bronwyn Bishop is expected to announce shortly that during the “heroin chic” days of the early 1990’s, she gingerly brushed a syringe against her arm but did not plunge.

July 21, 2004

Mark Latham In The Big Brother House

Mark Latham, Wannabe-PM, has completed his tour of the Big Brother house. I must admit, I thought this was a joke when I originally read the headline.

Mark’s tour of the Dreamworld compound led to excited Liberals frothing at the mouth and stumbling over themselves to make disparaging comments to the media. Personally, I can see the benefits - after all, Mark’s gaining street cred with the desirable female teen SMS fanatics, which can only help win him the next election. No wait, that’s Australian Idol.

Either way, it was a golden opportunity for Mark to use some terrible puns worthy of the British tabloid press. In regards to Prime Minister John Howard, Mark said “I’m hoping to evict him from the Lodge, absolutely.”

In an effort to compete with the hip and pop culture savvy Opposition Leader, John Howard declared this morning that he too would visit the set of his favourite show.

“Mark Latham needs to learn that he’s not the only guy with his finger on the pulse of the youth culture.” the Prime Minister triumphantly announced.

Sadly, the Prime Minister had to be later informed that his two television show sets of choice no longer existed. His staff patiently explained that sitcom hit Hey Dad! was cancelled a while back, and the chances of getting booked to do a guest appearance on It’s A Knock Out were slim to none.

July 19, 2004

Un-Australian Of The Year ©

ausculture.com has a problem with commitment. We’re a veritable hussy in a world of honourable and chaste websites. You see, we constantly commit to stuff and never follow through. It’s kinda like Britney swearing to stay virginal till marriage and then getting busy with Justin, Fred, and Kevin Federline. Also rather like her marriage, for that matter.

We promised you Law & Order Appreciation Week and promptly forgot about it. Patrick began his “ausculture me” project and abandoned it within days. I declared I’d start writing a fortnightly segment about the Google searches people have done to arrive at ausculture.com, and immediately jumped ship. So hopefully, dear reader, you have learned to take most things we say with a “grain of salt”. Oooh, how Paul from Big Brother!

In the not-too-distant future, ausculture.com will be launching a very, very special project. “Special?” I hear you ask “you mean, even more so than the Big Brother & Australian Idol Blogfests?” Without a doubt. “What about Dolly Parton Appreciation Week?” Yup, more special than that.

Soon, you sexy bastards, we’ll be launching our Un-Australian Of The Year © competition! And there’ll be a special mini-site! Could you ask for any more? Yes, you could - you could ask to be involved, and involved you shall be. You will be asked to vote during the weekly rounds, building up to a frenzied voting crescendo during the Un-Australian Of The Year © final poll.

But before all that, we want your nominations for Un-Australian Of The Year ©. Please do not send us your suggestions by commenting below. Instead, email unaustralian@ausculture.com and if you feel like it, feel free to add your reasons why. You can vote more than once, and your vote will count. Unlike Big Brother, then.

Go on - unlike Australian Of The Year, it probably won’t go to some cricketer John Howard wants to touch inappropriately.

July 17, 2004

Most Influential Australians

Lucky us - another list published in the papers for us to heckle! Anytime you gather a group of names and label them “Most Something Or Other” you’re always likely to get critics, aren’t you - and I personally quite enjoy being one of those critics.

Basically, The Australian has declared fourty of our fellow countrymen & women to be the “Forty Most Infuential Australians”.

We’ve listed the top 15 below, and if you want to check out the rest, head here.

The list of the Top 15 contains five politicians (two of them less twattish than most, I guess), one underwear mogul, a cricketer (did Howard compile the list?) and Kate Fisher’s mum. Do you agree with the list?

July 11, 2004

Megawati & Gretel

Never thought you’d see THOSE two names side by side, eh? And with good reason. They don’t even make an adorable Graxon-like merger when blended together, although upon reflection Gregawati isn’t too bad. Sounds more like a Rugby League player though, but I digress!

I had a good chuckle at the charming Will from Fop’s take on Megawati Sukarnoputri’s recent election woes. The Big Brother angle worked well, and we all know how much I adore poking a little fun at Gretel - “I’m taken” indeed!

So check out this incredibly informative article - after all, you don’t want to be the last person to find out about Megawati going back into the house, do you?

July 9, 2004

Asylum Seekers

As some of you may know, sometimes when the urge takes me I post on the BBBA forums. Usually it’s about rubbish to do with the housemates, but recently I got involved in a bit of a debate about asylum seekers.

A refugee from Iraq responded to my post with great insight into what it’s like to arrive in Australia as an asylum seeker, and it was such a good read I thought you guys might like to check it out as well. I’ll post my original rant which Nasim replied to so you know what’s going on. If you’d like to check out the entire thread in the forums, head here.

Before you click “read more” be aware that it might be a long read so settle down with a coffee and a cigarette or whatever your naughty thing of choice is.

My Original Post

It’s not all that complicated to understand so it’s still beyond me why people STILL get confused between illegal immigrants and asylum seekers. Oh wait, that’s right, we have a government that perpetuates the ignorance.

The law says that we MUST process asylum seekers. This involves allowing them on our soil, not shipping them off to Nauru or Christmas Island.

Now, before you get your knickers in a twist, processing them does not mean meeting them at the shore, handing them a visitors pass to Australia’s Wonderland and directed them to Centrelink to sponge off the government. It involves hearing their case. It involves treating them humanely. If the government discovers that they have lied, that indeed they are not asylum seekers - send them home.

I’m curious as to how many jobs you’ve applied for only to find a Woomera escapee has usurped the position and left you high and dry. Because, you know, we’re like totally flooded by “illegal immigrants”. Tell you what, if you REALLY want to take a stand against the illegal immigrant problem - head to Bondi on a weekend, and have a go at the thousands of English backpackers who have outstayed their visas and are REALLY taking your jobs.

Finally, I ask all those who say “Well if they’ve got the money to get here, they’re not really needy”

Imagine, God forbid, Australia was taken over suddenly by a religious group like the Taliban. The Taliban kill many men, stone women to death, commit all kinds of human rights abuses. Sure, it hasnt happened to you yet, but it’s a matter of time and you have young kids of your own. You don’t want your daughter growing up in a world where she can be a wife and a mother and that’s it. You want her educated. You don’t want to watch your son grow up brainwashed with ideas of justice that involves torture and persecution and death.

Luckily, you earn more than the average person in your country. It’s a real blessing. You work long days and nights to save up the money to send your wife and children away to a country you’ve heard of, like Australia. You hear its a country based on a fair go, it’s got wide open land, and a freedom you can only dream of. While you could try and escape to many European countries, they’ve managed to instil strong border patrol which makes the likelyhood of your family making it there minimal. Instead, some scumbag offers to take them to Australia via Indonesia for a huge amount of cash, lucky you’ve been working constantly and are able to afford the luxury of getting your family out that so many of your countrymen can not.

There is no emmigration place for you where you live. There’s nowhere to line up, look at some brochures and say “Excuse me, murderous extremists in power, I would like to apply to leave your country and head for Australia, through the proper channels. I’d like to book Qantas too, if that’s okay”. That place doesn’t exist. It’s all or nothing. Do you take the chance to send your family away from the nightmare that’s become your homeland? Or do you say “Aww, geez. That’s a bit unfair on the other poor buggers stuck here getting beheaded and stoned to death isnt it? I mean, they can’t afford to leave. No, I think I’ll stay. Please, passing mercenery - rape my daughter while you’re at it.”

Whether or not the asylum seeker was one of the lucky people able to afford to get away shouldn’t be the problem here.

I wonder where the humanity has gone out of so many Australians? Men, women and children nearly losing their lives on a treacherous journey across the ocean, all to get to this place we’re lucky enough to call home, and we scoff at them, we want to leave them on the deck of a freight ship for days, ailing and needing medical help. Cos the fuckers are gonna take our jobs!

I agree that the amount of people coming here via boats are a problem. But I’m not heartless enough to take that worry out on people who want a better life for their families.

If you have a problem, why don’t you badger the government to deal with the Indonesians and work towards ending the disgusting trade of human life that the people smugglers engage in? Direct your anger towards them, and have some mercy and pity for people who risked their life to be in the position that you are now. Comfortable, sitting in front of a computer, and being able to talk about desperate people as though they are facts and figures and not worthy of compassion.

I hate sounding like a bleeding heart lefty but honestly, I have to wonder where the sense of compassion has gone from our society? These are real people, real lives. Treat them with the dignity they deserve. And god forbid anything ever happen to you where you find yourself in a desperate situation and needing the mercy of strangers.

Nasim’s Response

Good morning Jess.

I normally use tvaus and ebroadcast but decided to check out this forum. I hope that my contributions are not unwelcome.

There is also the truth that many asylum seekers from countries like my own, Iraq, do not choose their destination. I am a 20-year-old refugee, having arrived in Australia as an asylum seeker in December 2002 and having been processed first in Port Hedland and then at Perth Airport. As a good but not perfect English speaker before my arrival I went through the system in four months, and while in detention assisted the authorities as a translator. My circumstances were, we may say, a little different to most coming from my country which was a factor in my approval.

This is not limited to my interest in English culture and language which was encouraged by my uncle who had lived around the world for 14 years. This alone caused the threats to my life which started my months of internal displacement in Baghdad, and ultimately leaving Iraq.

Many of the people flowing out of Iraq at that time did not want to come to Britain or to Australia or the United States or Canada. Iraq was a secular country but many people had believed terrible things of these places as they are told that these countries are evil and depraved. Their first choice was Iran or Pakistan and many of them got there. Of all races and origins, Australia has only received about 5,000 asylum seekers by boat, and this includes the ones that were rejected.

Nearly all asylum seekers are taken into Iran first, about 3km inside the border. But Iran allows only transit rights on the Iraqi border to the people who are not Muslim, even those who are secular Muslim are only allowed to transit. Some try to go in as family or tourist or by bribing officials but thousands are sent back every month by Iranian authorities when they are discovered. I can understand why Iran does this, they already had nearly 1,000,000 refugees and could not support them. I am not sure how it happens but those who wish to go to Pakistan are assisted to get across Iran on a non-stop land journey.

This is all fine and good for the Muslims of the stricter traditions. These arrangements however are not UN monitored and in many cases the arrangements are being made by those of criminal organisations. The fundamental rule of asylum is to be in a safer place than the one you are fleeing. As an Iraqi Christian of mixed Assyrian-Arab descent (meaning I look like an Italian or Greek), I would clearly not have been safe in Iran or Pakistan, and besides, they would not even have accepted me as I am non-Muslim.

In Australia, for the first time, I am not only safe to live, but safe to express myself in a way I could not before. I have friends here. I have a job here. Unlike some seem to believe, I would not be eligible for government assistance. I agree with the Government’s need to temporarily detain entrants while their claims for refugee status are assessed, and some (a minority) are rejected as they are not refugees.

Normally refugees work in areas where Australian workers do not want to work. Example: a meat factory in Perth that employs only Afghan refugees because they work hard, don’t take a great number of breaks, and the employer did not receive one Australian application. He incidentally has said he’d happily hire refugees again. I hope he does, as he is a humane employer. I am not particularly fit physically so I work with what I know. There is currently a big demand for translation of documents to and from Arabic in Australia and I have been trying to fill that capacity.

My uncle mortgaged his house to get me here. It cost US$11000 as the Iraqi currency was in freefall. I am paying him back from my earnings — and paying taxes, of course, to the Australian government, without whom I would not have been able to life safely. As I said elsewhere, my desire is to get an Engineering degree — I was top in my classes in Mathematics and Science in Iraq and feel that I have something to contribute to my adopted country and to its people.

You will be glad to know that this is not the majority of Australians. I am amazed considering what I hear in the media and see on forums like this one, that when I am out in Melbourne and Perth and people talk to me, are genuinely interested to hear my thoughts and opinions coming as they do from a refugee from northern Iraq. I am made to feel welcome and to feel part of the Australian community and I feel gratitude to the Australian people for that.

I wrote about this on tvaus, but the Indonesian authorities in the port that I stayed in for 2 weeks under near-prison conditions at the harbour were part of the smuggling operation. I suspect that they were not financially poor for their contributions.

Thank you, and the many others who contributed likewise, for your informed comments.

July 6, 2004

John Howard’s Past Emerges

In an exclusive report, the Daily Telegraph has unveiled some shocking news about the Prime Minister’s past, which look to overshadow recent rumours that have surfaced about the Opposition Leader Mark Latham.

I’ll let you draw your own conclusions.

Read the article here.

Blah blah blah, I think you know what the disclaimer would be if I could be bothered.

July 4, 2004

Mark Latham, Bad Man (Apparently)

Or at least the Liberal party’s smear campaign would like to have us think. This weekend in the news, there’s been loads of talk about Mark Latham’s past after Channel Nine’s Sunday program broadcast this morning what they had billed as an “explosive” profile on him, according to the above article.

From what I can tell, a huge bit of this would-be drama revolves around some fisticuffs that occurred fifteen years ago. Pensioner Don Nelson claims he managed to perform some Rocky-ish moves which led to a brilliant hit landing on the future Opposition Leader’s face. “So then I feinted with a left and crossed with a right and sat him on his backside.. Suuuuuure, Don. I bet that’s exactly what happened. Are we certain you’re not just looking for fifteen minutes of infamy by making up a story of having punched out a bloke half your age who may well end up Prime Minister?

Mark Latham’s story seems more plausible. Surly pensioner barges his way over to Mark Latham to complain about pot plants on the main street. Latham takes the piss and offers to go outside and help move the pot plants so deranged Don need never drive his car into them again. “And at that point, he’d had a good night, he got a bit stroppy and sort of took half a swing at me, but we grabbed him and got him out of the campaign rooms.” Sounds fairly reasonable to me. In any case, it was a bloody long time ago. If you’d like to read some radio transcripts about the statements, head here.

The other main “scandal” this weekend revolves around Latham and his ex-wife. Friends of her claim she says he cheated on her during their marriage, and also “threatened” her. Not with violence, mind, but with his volatile temper. Obviously nothing would excuse physical violence, and emotional abuse is also a terrible thing to inflict on someone. But I can’t find anything in this article nor any of the others I read that prove Mark Latham did either.

“Let’s just say he’s aggressive and horrible but give you no other details so you can’t prove otherwise. No, he didn’t hit me. But he threatened me. No, wait. He didn’t threaten me. He just behaved strangely. Almost like he was stuck in an unhappy marriage.”

Tellingly, Latham’s ex Gabrielle Gwyther doesn’t actually give the interview herself. Oh no, it’s friends of friends of friends of friends (or something) passing on the salacious tidbits to the media. Either way, if she’s not willing to step up and say it directly (and put herself under media and legal scrutiny) then I think it’s completely irrelevant. If there was abuse, go to the police. If there wasn’t and you’re still just bitter he ended up happily married with the woman he left you for - go away. People get divorced. People do shit things to each other in relationships. This doesn’t necessarily make them horrible people, and it certainly doesn’t mean they can’t change and find happiness elsewhere.

Mark’s dignified response to these allegations has resulted in the media bang being reduced to a mere fizzle. Good.

Finally, on a more humorous note, during the John Laws radio interview Mark conducted, Laws mentioned about how some people in the media had been discussing the fact that Latham had an active sex life between marriages. (“Gasp! That’s just evil, isn’t it Janette?” - John Howard PM). Mark’s brilliant response? “Can I just give you the breaking news? I had an active love life before marriage. I think the big news is if you didn’t.”

Bravo, Latham. A Prime Minister who likes shagging and listens to Meat Loaf? A dream that may come true in the coming months. Gotta be better than a bigoted smug little Yanky arse-licking fuckwit who has issues with sexuality as a whole.

July 2, 2004

Saddam - Not A Happy Little Vegemite

Saddam Hussein is certainly not looking his dictatorly best at his trial, eh? In the past, he had an air of murderous authority, but now? He looks like a deranged bum you’d find ranting about religious issues on some street corner in an undesirable part of town. Perhaps once they’re finished with the trial, someone will send Carson & Co his way to ensure he looks his best when the time comes for him to depart this earth and head straight to hell.

Speaking of Vegemite, the Jewish community is up in arms with the news that no more kosher Vegemite will be produced. Seems slightly unfair to deprive Jews of rosy Vegemite cheeks now, doesn’t it? Kraft, get your act together and let’s ensure our national spread is available for all religions!

Finally (and back to the topic of QEFTSG), Comedy Inc may have done something remotely amusing (though we’ll have to watch the episode to see if they pulled it off). The comedy sketch show have Ian Thorpe being sent up in an upcoming episode involving Queer Eye For The Straight Guy. The general joke being that he’s already as “Queer Eyed” as he’s gonna get. Was that subtle enough to avoid lawsuits?

July 1, 2004

Baby bonus refused

A young woman, today denied the Howard Government’s $3000 maternity payment, has labeled the governments changes to the system as “ridiculous.”

As a result of recent calls for adjustments to the system, social workers have already been give the power to change the $3000 baby bonus lump sum into a fortnightly payment if mothers are judged (under new guidelines) to be “vulnerable.”

However, a further amendment, known as the “human genetic code only” amendment has left Mrs Johnstone (pictured with twins Simon and Taylor) $3000 worse off and, she says “disenchanted with the current goverment.”

June 29, 2004

The Pet Terminator

You don’t want to be a homeless rabbit and run into Californian Governor Ah-nuld Schwarzenegger, that’s for sure! Why? Because the beefy politician is trying to repeal a state law in order to cut down the number of days before animals in shelters are forced to shuffle off their mortal coil.

Arnold is looking to kill strays after just three days instead of six, thus saving the local governments who run the shelters up to $14 million.

Are you ready for a terrible pun? Go on! You saw it coming! And besides, if Victoria Newton can make pathetic puns in her column, I can’t see why I’m not allowed the same freedom! Deep breath…

Hasta la vista, bun-ny!

You’re right - that was horrendous.

June 11, 2004

Uh Oh - More Politics

I don’t know what’s going on. This place used to be full of references to Peter Andre and links to quality articles from The Sun, and now look at us - stacked to the rafters with clues and political commentary. Makes me sick. So I promise in advance to make more of an effort in discussing Neighbours (it’s ace!), the pop charts and Peter Andre during the next few weeks.

Some of you out there might be familiar with Peter FitzSimons - he’s an ex-Wallaby player who also writes for the Sydney Morning Herald. He’s also absolutely gargantuan in size - he plays against my favourite team in the whole wide world - The Sentinels - in basketball and I’m rather pleased to say that he refered to me as a lady (as in he said to his daughter “Sit next to the nice lady”) - the first time THAT’S happened in a while! - and he dripped sweat on me during a game! Naturally then I am the foremost Fitz expert in Australia, if not the world.

Anyhoo, I’m ranting. Pete has written a marvellous article about Peter Garrett’s new love of Labor, and how fishnet lover Alexander Downer has gotten his knickers in a twist over it. A particularly delightful passage from the article goes as follows:

Word to that, Fitz you bad boy! Meanwhile, old Labor-convert-that-didn’t-quite-work Cheryl Kernot has thrown her support behind Peter Garrett, though she has also warned him that it’s not going to be easy. Too right, Chez.

Oh lord. I just remembered how Cheryl was wooed to the Labor Party (an affair with then Foreign Minister Gareth Evans) and now have the rather horrible visual picture of Mark Latham and Peter Garrett getting intimate whilst Meatloaf’s ‘Paradise By The Dashboard Light’ plays in the background. I never want to have that image again. Curses!

“I need a young priest, and an old priest… sick as a dog…”

June 10, 2004

Peter Garrett - Labor’s Great White Skinny Bald Hope

Those of you reading who aren’t from Australia may not be aware that for the last few days - other then Craig Nicholls problems and Reagan’s death - the Aussie media has been talking of nothing else than Midnight Oil frontman Peter Garrett possibly joining the Labor party.

Well, news just in: yesterday afternoon Pete formally applied to join the party (a nice move if you’re going to just slide in to a Federal seat, don’t you think?), simultaneously making Mark Latham’s day and breaking the hearts of thousands of hardcore Green supporters who would have expected Peter Garrett to head into Australian politics under their banner.

Peter has long been a political activist in Australia, and some of Midnight Oil’s lyrics are almost psychic predictions of what’s to come. Example #1 - the song US Forces.

Touche, Petey baby, touche…

Oliver Shirley did a marvellous review of Pete & Co’s tune Beds Are Burning and if he found time in his busy and important schedule, I’m sure we’d all love to know his thoughts on Pete’s political pursuit. Do it, Ollie - do it!

May 27, 2004

John Howard, Still A Wanker

John Howard is just too easy to make fun of. That head, that stature, that voice, that tongue up George W’s arse - the material just overflows for those of us out there who enjoy a bit of Johnny baiting. It’s no news to any of us that the guy is a knob - but this morning, he’s managed to surpass even my wildest expectations of his fuckwitness. He’s steadfast on continuing to ban gay marriages - oh, how VERY original John. Thankfully, you silly queers and dykes can still get your hell-bound partner’s superannuation benefits to no doubt spend on drugs and dildos and other filthy stereotypical things.

You sad, pathetic little bigot. I expect this sort of malarky from Dubya, but I expected (why, I don’t know - you’ve done nothing to deserve it) a smidgeon more intelligence and understanding from Australia’s leader. Christ, the sooner someone gets the Liberal party out of power, the better.

Why is it up to John Howard to define marriage? What gives him the right to tell someone they can’t adopt a child? It’s absolutely disgusting. There are so many children out there in need who want parents who love them. What’s better - leaving them in the system or allowing them to be raised by loving parents who desperately want a family? Where cock or tongue goes at night when the kiddies are asleep and the parents are in the boudoir is irrelevant. Hell, many straight couples who have kids enjoy a bit of arse pounding and carpet munching action happening at night!

Copying George W’s playbook hasn’t worked too well for Johnny - Iraq has turned into a schmozzle, his popularity is plummeting, and so now he copies this gem from the US - what a political mastermind. It’s time to boot this despicable twat out of Canberra and spend the next decade trying to repair the damage he’s done to this country’s moral fibre and reputation.

Again, after the Tampa crisis, I should be used to John Howard’s sheer contempt for anything that doesn’t fit into his whitebread world. What an arse. He and George deserve each other - muzzle to muzzle now, anything goes as they wriggle.

Oooh! Nearly forgot to pop one in then!

Later Seems Labor’s cool with the ban on gay marriage, but undecided on adoption.

March 3, 2004

Our World Leaders: Hot Or Not!

Thanks to the delightful buggery.org, we know all have a chance to rate our world leaders on perhaps their most important characteristic - their shaggability. Hurrah for Our World Leaders: Hot Or Not!

Does Johnny Howard float your boat? Gerhard Shröder make you want to start bean flicking? Or does Turkish Prime Minister Recep Erdogan make you feel like abstaining from sex altogther? Have your say, and once you’re done, check out the leader board.

It makes me feel incredibly patriotic to see that the Australian PM is at Number 6 on the Nottest list.

February 24, 2004

Meatloaf & Mark Latham II

I don’t want to dwell too much on either Mark Latham or Meatloaf, bless them, but while researching on the net, I discovered the following transcript of an interview with Mark Latham on Sunday Sunrise. I laughed my arse off.

Now, if there’s one thing this country needs, it’s a Prime Minister with both a penchant for launching into Meatloaf tunes, and randomly dropping rap lingo into political debate.

“Yo, Howard, yo better git your swerve on ‘for I bust a cap in yo ass. Word, bling bling!”

Meatloaf & Latham I

Marky Mark Latham - Leader of the Funky Labor Bunch - not only cares about all Australians, he’s also quite partial to Meatloaf. But only the Meatloaf of yesteryear, it would seem.

Meatloaf has advised Latham to show up to tonight’s performance with the Melbourne Symphony Orchestra to check out just how damn good he is, but I suspect he’s just luring him there to beat the crap out of him for continually calling him ‘Loaf instead of his prefered nickname ‘Meat’.

February 19, 2004

God Bless Mark Latham

Not only is the Opposition Leader the best damn chance in years to boot that snivelling little arse kissing shit John Howard out of power, he’s now talking about making a real difference to all aspects of Australian society.

While John Howard prefers to discuss various methods of stopping anyone with any sign of a tan from arriving in Australia (speculation is rife he is planning to propose legislation in parliament which would remove Australia from maps of the world in every country other than the United States or the United Kingdom), Mark Latham is concerned with everything. Everything. In a recent press club speech, Mark revealed he was worried about;

Bless him. I mean, Liberals might mock him (here’s looking at you, Alexander Downer) for declaring his big lefty tree hugging pot smoking hippy intentions, but jeeez - while he might not end up being successful in fixing every problem, at least he GIVES A SHIT! Unlike the Liberals, whose attention appears to soley be on topics like asylum seekers illegal immigrants and money, Latham’s brand of Labor seems to care about the stuff that makes a good society to live in, not turning Australia into an American lap dog.

Australian boys and girls, never fear - Mark “Big Cuddly Concerned Teddy Bear” Latham has noticed your woes.

Oh sure, it might sound like he’s trying to tell Aussie’s what they want to hear - that someone actually cares about them and their day to day problems - but hell, why not. After all, if he inspires (and “inspires” is not a word often used in relation to our current PM) some change, any change at all, and turns this country into a place with a heart and decent values, then he will have done more for Australians than John Howard and the Liberals have ever done in their last two terms of power.

Can you guess who I’m voting for?

The Fishing Party, naturally.

PS: I know I know, my idealistic left leanings even disgust me at times. Who wants to hold hands and join me in singing “Give Peace A Chance”?

February 5, 2004

Bush Wants Ribs. Could He Have Some Ribs Soon? He’d Really Like Some Ribs, Please. Ribs. Now.

In what must be a comfort to the American everyman, Bush appears to be far more obsessed with getting (you guessed it) ribs than answering journalist’s questions on homeland security.

Personally, if I were the White House, I don’t know if I’d be putting official transcripts of conversations like this online. I mean, I’m sure it’s meant to show that Bush is funny, but I wouldn’t be surprised if his statements were made in earnest.

In fact, I reckon he would have pursued the ribs to the ends of the earth - rumour has it the ribs contained weapons of mass destruction, hence his relentless search for them. Ahem. I’ll stop now. Besides, I’m far more interested in getting to know President Bush’s cow.

February 3, 2004

Dubya’s Peace Prize

Something doesn’t sit right about this, no sir. I always get the vibe Tony Blair probably had some good intentions, but that ol’ George did the whole thing in some bizarre attempt to finish his father’s work while earning some extra pocket money. Does that deserve a peace prize?