Category: newswrap

November 11, 2004

Old, fat and lazy… but happy

Once again I’m taking a snapshot of some recent reports in the news and jumping wildly to whatever conclusions I can conjure up.

The aging population of Australia are reportedly Old, fat, happy … and reaching for a pill. In general it seems that people over 65 are content — with the number of them complaining of high pysiological distress is 9% compared with 13% for people over 18.

How do they do it? Apparently by eating lots of food, taking lots of drugs and doing very little physical activity. Sounds like a recipe for fun. Sitting around all day eating food would certainly help boost the success of say, Coles Myer and Woolworths — who are doing ok right? As for the drugs, a 12.8% increase in the cost of medicare for the September quarter and blowouts of the PBS scheme thanks to drugs like Celebrex would certainly be at least partly due to pill popping by the older members of the community.

Of course, the young people in Australia are taking drugs too. Mind, it’s not dangerous recreational drugs like methamphetamines but… methamphetamine based ADHD medication which is somehow supposed to help them do useful things like shut up and sit down. The Australian calls it an epidemic of over-prescription and misdiagnosis of attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. With Celebrex and ADHD drugs on the PBS it’s great to see an equality where junkies both old and young are gettign their fix subsidised. I mean, replace “junkies” with “sick people” and “fix” with “medication.”

In other news, Older women in their 30’s and 40’s are having more abortions than ever. I’m going to hazard a guess and say that is probably due to all the sex they’re having with teenage males pumped up on dexamphetamines. Dexamphetamines prescribed by doped up elderly doctors to treat ADHD. Not that anything like that is really happening of course.

October 19, 2004

Australia — the clever country

I was surprised to find that someone actually fell for the “Nigerian businessman wants to transfer $32 billion to your bank account” routine and promptly sent over $1 million.

To later find that the individual involved was actually a financial advisor borders on hilarious.

Apparently ASIC were so dumbfounded that they initially had assumed the financial advisor in question was somehow involved in the scam

I feel very lucky to have found out about this type of scam before sending my life savings to Mr Ibe Dike, also from Nigeria. The following letter almost had me fooled… after all - it reads so professionally!

August 24, 2004

Tuesday News Wrap!

This is the first time I’ve ever done a News Wrap on a Tuesday. What brought on this flagrant breaking of unspoken rules? Well, I forgot to post this yesterday, frankly. So apologies if the news is old - I’ve endeavoured to add one or two news stories from today as well to keep things somewhat fresh.

Let’s kick things off with some delightful photos of Cold Feet star John Thomson hoovering cocaine. News Of The World, ever the moral watchdog of celebrities, gleefully reports finding the “bloated” television star snorting coke during a recent holiday in Spain - with his daughter in the next room! This is not the first time News Of The World have had to rap the British bad boy across the knuckles - they were also the paper who uncovered his kinky threesome with some charming blondes two years ago. Says John regarding News Of The World’s expose on his extracurricular activities - “I’ll never touch cocaine again. This is a well-timed wake-up call. Thank you.” Suuuuuuure. I would have imagined his original statement upon discovering he’d been sprung again going more along the lines of “Keep those f–cking cameras out of my f–cking face, you shameless c–nts. Go to f–cking hell and stay out of my life!.” But what would I know? Perhaps celebrities are glad they have the tabloids on hand to keep them on the straight and narrow.

Never one to stray from hard hitting issues, News Of The World also reports on the bedroom antics of Blue. Simon imitates Jackie Chan? Lee’s turned on by baking? Pop stars these days… utter daftness. Which reminds me, isn’t it about time the stomach-pumping-exposes-semen-binge rumour started going around about a modern pop star? Who was the last to have that scurrilous gossip favourite directed towards them - Matt Goss? It may be time for ausculture.com to start spreading some blatantly false rumours.

smh.com.au reports that Munch’s famous painting “The Scream” has been stolen from an Oslo museum. Regular readers may remember that this very painting was actually used as a hint for one of our Appreciation Week Clue frenzies. What could be next? Will pop group The Real McCoy be kidnapped? Could Jayne Mansfield’s body disappear? Will Patrick Swayze be swiped during the night? We nervously await the fiendish criminal’s next step. It was remarkably considerate of Munch to have painted a couple of versions of the piece though, don’t you think?

Michael Jackson has lashed out again, angrily requesting that the media and public cease referring to him as Wacko Jacko. Here’s a hint to help you reach this goal, Michael - stop acting so incredibly insane, and we’ll consider it. And take those masks off your children, for God’s sake man! You repeatedly refer to your own stolen childhood as the root of most of your troubles, and yet you inflict a similar, if not worse, situation on your own kids. It’d almost be ironic in the Alanis Morrisette sense, were it not so disturbingly tragic.

The newly slim Russell Crowe must be rather hungry nowadays. It’s the only explanation for him resorting to munching on bodyguard Mark Carroll’s ear. Perhaps he took Carroll’s nickname of “Spud” literally? Either way - think of the carbs, Rusty! The carbs!

The V Music Festival has wound to a close over in the UK. On Sunday night I received an perplexing SMS from my beloved London-based sister, who informed me she’d just met Richard Branson and finished having dinner with UK Pop Idol bronze medallist Darius. What the dilly could have brought all this adventure on?! From what I can gather, she somehow got her crafty mitts on VIP passes, but I’m not 100% sure. I’ll see what kind of salacious gossip I can get from her once she’s back at home and ready for long distance conversation. Will she be able to enlighten me as to why Dido decided to rock out?

Time for an somewhat retro flash back! It’s been far too long between Peter Andre & Jordan reports on ausculture.com which is a mighty shame considering blog entries regarding their burgeoning romance pretty much constitute our January and February archives. The big question today is are they getting married?

Ananova is full of interesting entertainment “news”. Did Benjamin Bratt dump Julia Roberts due to her unbearable ego? Could Madge’s growing disillusion with Kabbalah mean the end of Esther? Is Christina’s assessment of Britney’s latest antics (“trailer trash” says the Dirrty singer) correct, or a severe case of hypocrisy? You decide!

Pensioners are unimpressed by John Howard’s bribery according to the Herald Sun. More disturbingly, a survey has revealed that while almost half of voters believe John Howard lied regarding the Children Overboard affair, 60% of these people say it wouldn’t change the way they vote. Where did the Herald Sun find the 996 people polled? I would imagine the honesty and integrity of your nation’s leader would be of utmost importance, but perhaps I’m just naive.

Thus endeth the very first Tuesday News Wrap!

August 16, 2004

Monday News Wrap

I’ll resist my natural tendency to be overly verbose and get straight into the business at hand - linking a few random news articles.

smh.com.au are shocked that St Mary’s Band Club didn’t notice Theresa Lawson had a gambling problem after she won over $760,000 over a period of a few years - 90% of the club’s total pokie payouts. Doesn’t sound like too much of a gambling problem to me! Sadly, her embezzling skills left a little to be desired and she was sentenced to a minimum of four years in prison after being sprung nicking over $2.7 million from her employer, Woolworths. Bugger.

The Wonder Years star Fred Savage has wed over the weekend. While the previously mentioned hit series has remained his most notable role to date, let’s not forget his fabulous solo sitcom outing Working or his brilliant portrayal of a man with a mole in Austin Powers: Goldmember. Personally, my favourite Fred role would either be his performance in The Wizard or his work in the brilliant flick that was The Princess Bride.

According to the California state attorney’s office, Michael Jackson was not “manhandled” by the sheriff’s deputies. However, they did not confirm whether or not Michael had been “boyhandled” before the police arrested him last November. Boom boom

The Mirror is a veritable goldmine of juicy showbiz tales today. P Diddy was reportedly in shock after being booed offstage in Ibiza - not once, but twice! Mark Bosnich’s ex Sophie Anderton has apparently fought off cocaine addiction and is planning on launching her own fashion label. Wasn’t she pregnant at some stage? Angelina Jolie has been declared tight-fisted by surly waiters from a Liverpool restaurant, and a British Big Brother evictee has tried to start a punch up with Lee Ryan from boyband Blue. Lastly, the 3am Girls have expressed their disgust at Fergie from The Black Eyed Peas’ tendency to feel herself up on stage. Truly shocking. Question! Is Fergie the most useless addition to a musical ensemble ever in the history of anything, or does someone else deserve that title? Your thoughts in the comments below….

Bonus Slanderous Gossip Extra! Someone mentioned in the above linked stories was spotted by ausculture.com’s resident London gossip hound Brit Bitch a few months back in pretty bad shape. After boozing it up all night (not to mention numerous visits to the loo, if you catch my drift), aforementioned notable name - let’s call them The Drunkard, shall we? - eventually stumbled into a ritzy hotel where they screamed at all and sundry that their ex was upstairs with a prostitute. Acting mental can be exhausting though, and The Drunkard eventually passed out next to the hotel lift… only to promptly soil themselves. Let’s not even get started on the nasty post-sex mess they made in their hotel room.

Finally - a big ausculture.com happy birthday goes out to pop’s matriarch Madge-Esther Ciccone-Ritchie! Despite the penchant for tweed and tracksuits that have slightly marred your image in these later years, we still adore ye, oh yes we do…

August 12, 2004

Thursday News Wrap

Naomi Campbell, no stranger to having her temper talked about, has apparently indulged in a violent quarrel with her maid. Naomi’s personal assistant has jumped to her boss’s side, claiming that Naomi was simply defending herself - but then, the assistant would say that, wouldn’t she? She’s probably frightened of being pulverised by the fist-happy supermodel.

Britney’s finally met fiancé Kevin Federline’s kids (well, one of them) which is handy considering she’ll be their step-mamma quite shortly. Britney seems amused and entertained by the novelty of having a small child and a puppy in the same room, but only time will tell whether Britney embraces changing the nappy of her future hubby’s bubs with quite as much enthusiasm and child-like delight. (via stereogum)

Also in The Sun, news that a serial rapist - currently serving a life sentence - has won £7 million in the national lottery. As The Sun points out, “While most lags have just £6 a week to splash out, he can afford 17.5 million Mars bars, 700,000 phone cards or 1.5 million packs of cigarettes.”

Meanwhile, while many refer to Queensland’s Bribie Island as a Mecca for the elderly retirees of Australia, it would appear that if you’re a elderly toker, it’s best to head straight for Perth. An elderly couple have been caught with an elaborate hydroponic system in their house, not to mention a healthy stash of marijuana. This follows on from an incident a few months ago where David and Florence Davies, another elderly Perth couple, were charged after police discovered 19kg of marijuana stored in their ceiling. They claimed not to know anything about the greenery in their roof, but Florence did admit to enjoying the odd toke from her own personal stash kept hidden in an ice-cream container under her bed. Bless.

Finally, I am very much in love with the new song from the Oasis-like (okay, the band is made up of three brothers, so they’re even more Oasis-like than Oasis) Evermore. It’s called “It’s Too Late” and you can hear it when you visit their official website - it’ll start automatically. Love the guitar, love the drums, love the keyboards - and I can personally vouch for the fact it’s the perfect soundtrack for a bus journey to work on a cold winter morning. Favourite part - the “hold on, you’re moving too fast” bit (which I probably misheard and they could be saying something completely different). All in all, the tune gets ausculture.com’s revered Three Thumbs Up using our patented Chernobyl rating system. Oh, and fans of The OC might recognise this song from Tuesday night’s episode where it was played over the ad for next week’s installment.

And that’s all I can be bothered investigating on this delightful Thursday afternoon so off you go - hurrah!

July 25, 2004

Sunday News Wrap

I’ll try and keep things brief, shall I? Let’s rock’n’roll!

Hilarious times in the South… Ashley Judd’s mother spoke up in a Nashville movie theatre after her daughters latest movie stalled due to a “projector malfunction”. Naomi Judd decided to lighten the mood and announced loudly “I’m Ashley Judd’s mother, and Ashley would not approve of this” much to the amusement of the crowd.

It’s John Howard’s birthday tomorrow and he’s turning the big 6-5. Prime Minister, ausculture.com hope you get everything your heart desires - especially if your heart desires fucking off out of Australian politics and never inflicting your close-minded, antiquated ways on the public ever again. Mwah xxx

An Italian granny’s enslavement by the renowned gambling monster Gamblor has led to her arrest. Vittoria Benetti began drugging and robbing victims for ages in order to feed her gambling habit.

Foiled Odd Couple Alert! Nicole Kidman has revealed to Hello Magazine that she turned down Michael Jackson’s offer of a date to the MTV Movie Awards. “Our Nic” explains that while she was flattered, she kept “thinking of those ridiculous photographs of Michael in a shocking wig at Disneyland, so call me crazy but it just didn’t tempt me to want to accept.” I doubt anyone would question your sanity, Nicole - at least, regarding Michael Jackson.

Boyzone’s Shane Ritchie (brother to the B*witched girls, for those of you not in the know) has revealed that during his popstar years, he was plagued by visits from demonic forces. In a bizarre coincidence, hapless radio listeners were also plagued by demonic forces in the nineties, taking form in songs such as “No Matter What” and “Father and Son”. Random Boyzone Fact! Ronan apparently has an absolutely massive whanger!

The NRL is reportedly worried by Matthew Johns’ alter ego Reg Reagan’s new autobiography “This Is My Life”. Apparently there is some concern that Reg’s beer swilling, fight-craving antics will bring the good name of the NRL into disrepute. After all, the NRL has a history of gang rape, dodgy financial dealings and poo-smearing-on-hotel-walls to protect.

Paris Hilton and Nick Carter have broken up. I can’t believe I’m about to say this, but I actually think Paris Hilton might have been too good for him. If there’s anything worse than materialistic Beverly Hills rich girls, it’s middle class white boys pretending to be “gangstas”. I accidentally flicked onto Nick Carter being interviewed once and it was a terrible blur of “dawgs” and other such rubbish. Someone should remind him he’s a Backstreet Boy and not actually part of D12.

Finally - Dustin Hoffman and wife Lisa emerged as heroes after saving the life of a woman who’d been stung by a bee outside their Malibu beach house. Bring on more life saving celebrities, says ausculture.com!

July 2, 2004

Saddam - Not A Happy Little Vegemite

Saddam Hussein is certainly not looking his dictatorly best at his trial, eh? In the past, he had an air of murderous authority, but now? He looks like a deranged bum you’d find ranting about religious issues on some street corner in an undesirable part of town. Perhaps once they’re finished with the trial, someone will send Carson & Co his way to ensure he looks his best when the time comes for him to depart this earth and head straight to hell.

Speaking of Vegemite, the Jewish community is up in arms with the news that no more kosher Vegemite will be produced. Seems slightly unfair to deprive Jews of rosy Vegemite cheeks now, doesn’t it? Kraft, get your act together and let’s ensure our national spread is available for all religions!

Finally (and back to the topic of QEFTSG), Comedy Inc may have done something remotely amusing (though we’ll have to watch the episode to see if they pulled it off). The comedy sketch show have Ian Thorpe being sent up in an upcoming episode involving Queer Eye For The Straight Guy. The general joke being that he’s already as “Queer Eyed” as he’s gonna get. Was that subtle enough to avoid lawsuits?

June 28, 2004

Sunday News Wrap

Tonight I’m going to do the briefest of all ausculture.com news wraps. Don’t think I can handle resisting the urge to write tonnes of shite? Hah!

A Neighbours star has passed away suddenly from deep vein thrombosis. Stewart Adam is apparently being mourned by the close-knit Neighbours set, and here at ausculture.com we send our heartfelt condolences to his family. Though I must admit - I’m not entirely sure of who he was - was he the gay mechanic?

Britney Spears has gotten engaged. Her future husband Keven Federline has a cranky pregnant ex-fiancé amongst other skeletons in his closet. Look! A picture of him not looking like Brian Austin Green! Final thought: Are Britters and J Lo duelling for the title of “The Next Liz Taylor”?

David Beckham’s mother-in-law has spoken out against claims the Beckham’s are on the verge of killing each other. Incidentally, whilst I hate speculating about gossip (cough), what do ausculture.com readers think? Did he shag Rebecca Loos - who has a battered head, in my opinion - or was the whole thing typical tabloid trash we should be used to seeing from the British press?

Hugh Grant is a cad! He’s exactly like his character in the Bridget Jones movies! Well, we were on the topic of typical tabloid trash, weren’t we?

Continuing our coverage of INXS’ attempt at living in the past search for a new singer, it appears CBS have picked up the show and are planning on broadcasting it mid-next year. I will probably watch it just to see Millsy and Kayne Taylor.

William Shatner is recording a cover of Pulp’s “Common People”. I remember reading somewhere that Ben Folds thinks Shatner is brilliant. In any case, Shatner’s “Rocket Man” cover is a work of genius and should be downloaded purchased somehow by everyone for it’s comedic value.

Finally, the lovable Warren from the Virgin Mobile ads has helped lead Sydney advertising agency Host to glory. Host has won the Grand Prix award at the Cannes advertising festival. Well done!

June 9, 2004

Wednesday News Wrap

We love Hassle The Hoff so we were gutted to discover he’s just been nabbed for drink driving! However, a conviction would make him mighty street (50 Cent style) so perhaps it’s the best thing that could have happened to him as his rap career develops?

More news emerges from the recently hitched Lopez-Anthony camp, with sources claiming Jen is in fact pregnant! Meanwhile, her suspected hubby has refused to confirm or deny whether the two were married on the weekend. Can someone say “free publicity”? Remind me, which of the two has a new single coming out shortly? In any case, if they did get married, it may not even be legal according to website Celebrity Justice - divorces granted in the Dominican Republic have no validity for 60 days. Possible bigamy, pregnancy? I for one can’t wait for J.Lo - The Life And Loves telemovie to hit screens in the next few years.

Also from Celebrity Justice, Michelle Rodriguez plead guilty to various naughty driving offences and has been sentenced to community service… at local morgues. She also has to spend 48 hours in jail. Meanwhile, embattled rocker Courtney Love has been charged with assault with a deadly weapon.

Australian Idol finalist Paulini’s album is due to hit stores in July. The album contains a cover of TLC’s Waterfalls which should be interesting. File this away in the “Wait And See If It’s Any Good” folder. Meanwhile, I am yet to hear Cosima’s new single - is that still happening?

NW Magazine have revealed that an ex-lover of Robbie Williams rates the star as an absolute dynamo in the sack. In fact, Robin Reynolds declared “”He had the strength of seven horses and the stamina of six Saxon warriors”. How wonderfully poetic - much better than saying “He was a top root” in any case. Remind me to use that seven horse\Saxon warrior line in the future.

Finally, Survivor creator Mark Burnett has pinched an American Idol producer for a talent quest of his own. Burnett is developing an as yet unnamed television show aimed more towards rock fans, with producers seeking out “a lead singer to front an internationally established band.” Hmmm, we’ll have to wait and see how that one turns out, won’t we?