Category: music

October 14, 2004

There is infinite hope, but not for mankind.

You know what they say: “celebrity is a fickle mistress.” Fame-whoring is the only decent way to get your own back on her, although that will often leave you regretting it further down the track as you squeal in agony whilst you urinate lava from the depths of hell. This naturally brings me to the topic at hand which, if you hadn’t already guessed, is Delta Goodrem.

Delta is releasing her own line of lingerie. Personally I think 19 is too young to have your own line of lingerie. Then again I’m probably just jealous — I’ve been pushing for my own line of lingerie since 2002.

Delta is quoted as saying:

Right.

Delta is also in court arguing that her “secret album” is shit in the hope that this will prevent it from being released. I can only hope that she succeeds and that this sets a precedent that stops any more shit albums from being released.

With the take off of Delta’s underwear, spare a thought for Tiffani Wood who, unlike Delta, doesn’t get to take people to court to prevent them from releasing her music. Tiffani is having trouble breaking the $50 mark on an ebay auction for a signed t-shirt. This is pretty bad given that the proceeds are going towards the National Breast Cancer Foundation.

I’d give it a mercy bid but… you know.

October 1, 2004

Third Single Release - Could It Be?

Indeed it could!

I’m currently packing to go away on holidays, and I thought “Why not record my quick ditty about our dear old PM before I go, just so the folks who read ausculture.com don’t miss me too much?” I don’t really think that you’ll miss me, but when I conduct conversations with myself in my head, I tend to have delusions of grandeur.

Ahem - I’m rambling. Right click and save if you feel like hearing John Howard Is A Cunt. Simple and to the point, really, though admittedly incredibly peurile. The aural equivelent of smearing poo on Tony Abbott’s campaign office? Teach it to your children!

John Howard Is A Cunt
We all know John Winston Howard
An arse kisser and a bit of a coward
Too scared to admit he was wrong
His lies about refugees go on

John Howard is a cunt
Cunt cunt, cah-nuh-nuh-nunt, cunt!
John Howard is a cunt
Cunt cunt, cah-nuh-nuh-nunt, cunt!

It don’t pay to be a native Australian
John just don’t get reconciliation
If you’re a refugee, tough - John ignores
Parts ‘bout you in international law

John Howard is a cunt
Cunt cunt, cah-nuh-nuh-nunt, cunt!
John Howard is a cunt
Cunt cunt, cah-nuh-nuh-nunt, cunt!

John Howard is a cunt!
Cunt! Cunt! Cunt! Cunt! Cunt! Cunt! Cunt!
Oh he’s a big cunt!
John Howard is a cunt!

September 30, 2004

The Election Selection - Second Single?

Hmmm. When I announced that I’d be recording an album called The Election Selection, I thought I had plenty of time to write and record the album before October 9 - but bugger me, there’s only a week and a half before we go to the polls! And I’m going to be away for five days without a computer to record on! And I’ve only written three of the songs! Buggerfuck!

Anyways, I figure by tomorrow night I can at least attempt to finish one of the singles and put it online for your listening displeasure, so allow me to ask all you wonderful people who left kind messages after hearing Latham’s Lament - and those of you who thought it was a pile of shit - which single would you prefer I put up next? Below are the titles of the two songs ready to rock’n’roll and a brief excerpt from the lyrics. Beware - it could be rubbish!

The Ballad Of Bob Brown
Bob was born in Oberon in 1944
Became a doctor, moved to Tassie, and joined the greenie cause
No closet could contain Bob Brown, he was cool with being gay
Campaigned against the Franklin Dam, and Bob Brown saved the day

Ain’t Nobody Seen (No Children Overboard)
Ain’t nobody seen no children overboard
Ain’t nobody see-ee-eeen no children overboard
So I would just ignore
Everything you’ve ever heard from our PM
Yeah yeah yeah!

The first one is a slow… erm… ballad, and the second one is a more boppy nonsensical affair. Which would you like? Alternatively, you can choose to ignore the entire election album debacle and continue defending the honour of Craig “Spackerface” Nicholls in that ancient article’s comments.

PS: Vines fans - I am loving the death threats. More, please! They’re hilarious!

September 8, 2004

Hassle The Hoff, Move Over

There’s a new comedy MC in town… that’s right, folks - according to the ever-reliable thesun.co.uk, Harold Bishop’s alter ego Ian Smith is planning on releasing his very own hip hop single in an attempt to reach the #1 spot over Christmas in the English charts. Oddly reminiscent of Love Actually, isn’t it?

Speaking of Neighbours, we haven’t yet mentioned the big Delta Return to the series. Now that she’s come home, I can suddenly recall the fact that Nina Tucker was the most boring character ever. I know, I know - comments like that are considered sacrilegious ever since Delta fell ill with you know what but it’s true nonetheless.

And Nina II is even more ridiculous than shy, musically-gifted Connor-loving Nina! Within 40 seconds of being at Jack Scully’s door, out pops a gem of a line like “Sounds like one of my movies, except without the wet sari…” Erm… is that kinda like a wet t-shirt competition? Are the Neighbours scriptwriters trying to insinuate that Nina’s been over in Mumbai filming soft porn?

As for the burgeoning De Generes plot line, well - lately I’ve begun noticing a lesbionic crush developing between Sky Mangel and Libby Kennedy. Personally, I think Libby would be a better choice for Sky than the slightly unbalanced Canuck they have waiting in the wings for her muff-diving pleasure. After all, she’s single, randy and has no qualms about taking the odd high school student to bed. Is the Sky-Libby Crush plot line actually deliberate or is it something my slightly disturbed household has created in our perverted little minds?

August 17, 2004

This Is The End, My Friend

Well, last week’s spectacular chart effort by singer-songwriter Missy Higgins has been knocked off by… by… oh, I can’t bring myself to say it… Cosima Fucking De Vito!

Damn you, Cosima. Damn you, Dianne Warren. Damn you, Cosima’s militant psycho illiterate net fans. I know someone will end up having a go at me for saying this, but Christ! - that “One Night Without You” song sounds like the cheesiest slice of faux-Latino radio bung I’ve heard in years.

And the video! Cosima looks positively frightening. More attractive than she was in Idol, I’ll grant you, but don’t you think she looks like the kind of girl who would bite your genitals in the heat of the moment? Just me then, eh? On the upside, Cosima’s debut in the top spot does cement a point I made in the Slinkee Minx debate - hitting number one is not necessarily a reflection of musical genius.

But of course, this is all terribly arrogant of me. Just because I think Cosima’s song is rancid tripe doesn’t mean it’s undeserving of hitting the top spot. After all, Cosima’s a struggling indie artist now - pretentious Arts students everywhere have no doubt clutched her and held her to their proverbial bosoms.

In “researching” this blog entry, I checked out Cosima’s official site and the associated forum. Two things I thought I’d point out for you guys (to save you the trouble of looking at the sites yourself) are as follows…

Firstly, Cosima’s Quote Of The Week is “Music is the pleasure the human mind experiences from counting without being aware that it is counting.” Erm, rightio. Excellent. Not sure if that’s a direct Cosima quote or a quote Cosima likes but either way, it makes little to no sense to me.

And this brief tale comes from a Cosima fan on the official forums.

My respect level for Kelly Cavuoto has just shot up by about a zillion points. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need a coffee badly, I’m quite emotional this morning and can barely think straight…

Later That Day Right. I decided I should endeavour to properly listen to Cosima’s new double A-side before panning it completely. Her version of “When The War Is Over” sounds nice enough I suppose if you’re into that sort of thing, but it’s so very… middle of the road adult pop. Sigh, I guess there’s a place for it in the grand scheme of music appreciation but it still doesn’t do much for me. The whole time I hear it, I just get an image of a needy Cosima at last year’s ARIA awards tugging at John Farnham’s sleeve and saying excitedly “I sang When The War Is Over!” while he ignored her in favour of congratulating Guy Sebastian.

As for the Dianne Warren-penned contribution “One Night Without You”, well - I stand by it’s schlock-status. Again, this means it will probably be played incessantly on MIX 106.5. There is a good chance Cosima is turning into Celine Dion so is it only a matter of time before she gets hitched to a balding old man and becomes a kookily eccentric French-Canadian? We wait with baited breath…

In any case, since I didn’t really like Cosima in the first place (I found her far too diva-ish, and not in the good sense) I’m not the best of people to review her new single. Regardless of my good intentions, I’ll never truly be objective and thus ausculture.com readers might get a terrible impression of young Cosima that is perhaps undeserved. So in the interest of fairness and quality blog journalism, I have decided to publish a review from hmv.com.au which was written by a fan of young Cosima.

love cosima you go girl u should of been in the final of australian idol. I voted for you every single week about 10 times then my family would vote as well and i would promote u at school. u are da bomb girl when you sand when the war is over all this wmotion went through my veins and i just got a shiver down my spine i cried when you left and i am soo glad u got a recrd deal i will definatly be buying every single single and every single album u release keep on going and going i hope the best for the future for you. ROK ON PS 5 THUMBS UP IS NOT ENOUGH FOR YOU :)

Five thumbs up not enough for Cosima - could this young fan be using the flawless ausculture.com Chernobyl Rating System (patent pending)? Hmmmm. Regardless, I’ll let you make up your own minds about dear Cosima. Perhaps, like me, you find her first single a little too middle-aged pop for your liking. Then again, perhaps as you listened to her sand “When The War Is Over”, you suddenly found your veins pumping wmotion like there’s no tomorrow? Each to their own…

August 12, 2004

Who Said Internet Advertising Was Uninformative?

There I was, bored and clicking away randomly on our ads in order to earn US 5c towards our website costs (I’m only half-lying) when one of the links I clicked revealed something interesting!

It would appear John “Beans Means Heinz Money In My Wife’s Pocket” Kerry, the Democrat presidential candidate, has a rock’n’roll past. That’s right, John formed a band in high school called The Electras and even recorded some of their original rockin’ tunes!

ausculture.com feel that Kerry’s rock credentials confirm that he is the best man for the top job in the United States, although it was a close call since George W. Bush’s youthful cocaine habit constitutes rather rock’n’roll behaviour a la Stevie Nicks, Noel Gallagher and thousands more.

Check out the surf-rock spectacular that is The Electras “You Can’t Sit Down”. Right click and save, as always, and throw away your chair!

August 5, 2004

Belinda Carlisle’s Summer Rain Massacre

I feel rather queer and not in the excellent leather hot pants sense. Why? Well, I just witnessed a chimpanzee eat his own poo out of boredom (long story), but strangely that’s not what’s troubling me. No, I’ve just been witness to something incredibly disturbing - I’ve just heard a dance cover version of Belinda Carlisle’s Summer Rain.

Belinda Carlisle is so beyond excellent, attempting to remix her songs is an affront to the Pop Gods. I managed to catch the name of the group responsible after the song finished so I was forced to investigate - who the devil is this ‘artiste’ who goes by the name Slinky Minx, and why did he\she\they feel the desire to butcher Belinda?

Thanks to my private investigator (Google, PI - no moustache but far less sleazy than Magnum), I was able to find an official website for a group calling themselves Slinky Minx. A quick flick around the site proved that I was barking up the wrong tree, and this Slinky Minx were actually a pop-punk girly four piece band with seemingly no ties to Belinda-butchering. Sorry ladies, carry on.

Investigating further, I discovered that I had naively been spelling the “bands” name incorrectly. In suitably illiterate ‘Krazy With A K’ style, these Summer Rain slaughterers spell slinky “slinkee”. This weren’t looking promising.

Official Website Alert! Ahh yes, this certainly looked like the online den of evil I’d expect from a group who had the gall to touch Belinda innapropriately, like liquored up Christian Brother at a Scout jamboree. Their official biography proved revealing.

Ha! And yet you release a shabby, cheesy cover song to launch your musical career. Unquestionable indeed. I know, I know - cover songs (especially dancey cover songs) are not only a great and easy way to get yourself heard on radio, it can also ensure your music played in clubs where people enjoy sucking on lollipops & dancing in ridiculous outfits but c’mon - your version of Summer Rain sounds like a bland, character-less hack fest. Some might argue that this is no different to the original Belinda Carlisle version, but they’d be wrong and beaten to a bloodied pulp by a furious me.

Who knew modelling was an art form? (“I did!” - A Thousand Pretentious Models. “Fuck off and binge, will you?” - Jess)

Oh, my side! Chortle chortle! Truly, Joanne, ilanda and Vanessa Amorosi would be considered pop’s finest and most successful triumvirate of female chart sensations. Off topic - didn’t Vanessa Amorosi get married a few years ago? Is she busy raising children now?

Exciting rendition? Speeding up the tempo on your Casio keyboard’s rhythm section for the backing track does not an exciting rendition make. Where’s the ooomph?

Apparently this abortion of a single is being released on the 9th of August. I urge ausculture.com’s seven readers to stay strong and resist purchasing it. Together we can make a difference.

As for Slinkee Minx - while I didn’t have the pleasure of listening to their other available MP3s (I’m at work currently, but if anyone else wants to have a listen and critique the other tracks in the comments section, they’re most welcome to!) I’m fairly certain they need to be shipped off to that Ibiza factory which churns out horrid dance versions of classic tunes using chipmunks on Ecstasy as vocalists.

PS: Before I start getting lectures like “It’s MEANT to be a cheesy club hit, Jess!” - I don’t care! Fuck with Don Henley’s Boys Of Summer all you want, but touch Belinda and earn the mighty (cough) ire of yours truly.

August 3, 2004

Shannon Noll’s “TV Documentary”

Channel Ten’s Shannon Noll interview - which aired last night - has led to the Telegraph declaring him a “national treasure” (big call, kids!) but acting rather shocked by Shannon’s pot and hooker past. Truly amazing, considering it was the Telegraph who originally published an article on Shannon’s whoring history a month ago.

Shannon explained away his brothel hijinks by admitting “I had a crack when I was a kid, it was a life experience and you can’t die wondering about that stuff.” Right on, Noll! Sure, some sceptics might disagree with Shannon’s belief that visiting a hooker constitutes a “life experience” but what they don’t understand is that life is different in the country.

Kids in the suburbs learn to ride bikes. Kids in Condobolin learn to ride the town bike, saving their precious pennies during the drought in order to afford this touching (in every sense) right of passage.

What’s shameful - and ausculture.com believes should become an election issue - is that some rural teenagers can’t even afford to pay for full intercourse with their local lady of the night, and instead are forced to resort to cheaper (but infinately less satisfying and life-changing) hand-to-gland massage from the calloused, spunk-encrusted fists of an farm girl floozy.

Why should country kids miss out on important “life experiences” when their city-living cousins can pound all the top quality working girls they desire? Surely there should be some kind of Government funded bordello created to keep our farm-dwelling fellow citizens satisifed? Ahem. Moving on…

Highlights of last night’s album re-launch (cleverly disguised as a TV documentary) included the afore-mentioned prostitute confession, and an insightful look into the future of Shannon Noll’s hair line thanks to slightly nepotistic appearances of his shiny-scalped brothers Adam and Damien. From memory, one of them claims credit for creating the “flavour savour” and the other is possibly touching Reggie Bird’s naughty bits at the moment - both dubious claims to fame at best.

Finally, the most surprising discovery during the entire proceedings was that Dicko wasn’t as good a host as you’d expect. Some might have thought that since Dicko has managed to outshine most people on screen during both Idol seasons, he’d be a barrel of wit and shenanigans but instead he was reduced to predictable staged interactions, plenty of arse-kissing and one bad testicle joke. It’d be far more interesting to see Dicko hosting a show where he interviewed people he wasn’t so obviously madly in love with (in the platonic sense, of course).

July 28, 2004

Tiffani says

Aside from the SMS-esque title, I for one thought the first solo offering from Tiffani Wood entitled What R U Waiting 4 was (though somewhat bland) not terrible. I mean not terrible in the “Australian Idol bandwagon…let’s release a single quickly before people forget who we are” sense of the word terrible.

With Popstars and Bardot both long since forgotten, Warner’s marketing department were actually going to have to do some marketing to get this one off the ground. (we all know it’s marketing that sells music right?) Warner didn’t and the only thing particularly interesting about the whole non-event was the change in the spelling of Tiffani’s name.

At any rate, unlike all the people who competed in Australian Idol, Tiffani didn’t seem to get much support from her record label.

In the end, they parted ways - a shame really as Warner Music Australia once had such a star-studded female vocal line-up with tiffani Wood, Danii Minogue, Sophie Monk and Bec Cartwright (Bec got axed a while back, not sure about the others.)

Anyway, if for some reason you’re so inclined, you can read Tiffani Wood’s reply to the record deal issue on her official site (without the frames).

Tiffani claims that Warner

Personally, were I in charge I would have canned her record deal simply for the spelling of What R U Waiting 4 but then, I can be somewhat pedantic about…such things. Besides, it was just as likely some “down with the lingo” marketing person who had decided on the spelling.

July 23, 2004

Macaque Attaque - It’s Not Long Now

As Patrick mentioned yesterday, a Macaque monkey in an Israeli zoo began walking like a human after suffering a near-death experience. This, dear readers, is not a good sign.

First of all, the documentary Planet Of The Apes has proven what a hazard primates can be when they become too similar to humans… personally I don’t particularly want to be enslaved by our hairy brethren and I’m rather confident I’m not alone.

Most of all though, I’m frightened because the delightful-and-yet-Nostradamus-like Ol Shirley predicted this would happen in his hit song Macaque Attaque. Think I’m being overly dramatic? Read the following lyrics from the tune.

Evolution revolution? You’re not wrong, Mr Shirley.

To download this brilliant if not highly depressing song, right click and save this. I can only hope the mainstream media (hi, Telegraph!) picks up on this story and pushes Ollie’s Macaque-related concerns to the front page of the papers. After all, I can’t handle anymore bloody Liverpool shopping centre exposés.

July 21, 2004

Michael Jackson’s Quadruplet Mystery

Michael Jackson’s representatives are refuting claims the troubled pop star is expecting quads through a surrogate mother in Florida.

However they were unable to explain to the throng of journalists just why Michael has ordered 400 sets of baby jumpsuits embroidered with the names Rug, Doona, Pillow & Crotchless Bunny Suit from a children’s clothing store in Los Angeles.

July 19, 2004

Jay Whalley - A True Australian Hero

Why, you ask? He totally showed up Kyle Sandilands & Jackie O on air, something which has been well overdue for many years now. The smug little shits.

Thanks to this article over at The Spin Starts Here, I was alerted to an argument brewing between Jay from Frenzal Rhomb and Kyle & Jackie O from 2Day FM’s Twatfest Hot 30 Countdown.

A quick run down of the argument (you can read a better one by clicking on The Spin Starts Here link above, or in fact from the transcript published on outwiththenew.com) would go as follows.

Frenzal Rhomb were performing at a festival called Bass In The Grass in Darwin. After having their set cut back due to a politician (how un-rock’n’roll!) wanting to ‘say a few words’, Frenzal Rhomb were further inconvinienced when the festivals MC, Jackie “I Love Associating Myself With Fuckwits (see Kyle Sandilands, Ugly Phil for further information)” O, finally decided to show up and also insisted on having her turn on centre stage.

The band, understandably getting a little surly at the delay in playing their already trimmed down set, decided to carry on regardless, playing over the top of Jackie O’s no doubt innane nonsense whilst screaming out obscenties directed at both her and the horrendous show she was associated with, Popstars.

A tearful Jackie O, unable to experience anything in life without the support of sidekick Kyle Sandilands (lord knows how she handled his absence in Celebrity Big Brother), apparently ran backstage and called the bulging would-be wit - and he became outraged at the lack of respect directed to Australia’s greatest female radio star… Well, she would be if every woman who ever spoke on radio or indeed even heard a radio in passing was struck down by a terrible deadly virus spread via rabid beagles from Lithuania and she was the only woman left in the country. No wait, she’d still suck. Badly.

To cut a long story short, Kyle & Jackie O decided it was time to proudly display their power in the “industry” by having their assistant (ha!) repeatedly call the band’s management insisting someone apologise for the tragic attack on Jackie’s unquestionably shite character.

Note to Jackie O & Kyle Sandilands - you ain’t funny, you ain’t talented, and when a fucking rubbish animated purple hippo dancing can outclass you in a commercial, you might as well pack it in. Oh - did I mention your razor sharp wit is in actual fact more a blunt butter knife of stupidity?

And I’m sure they give a shit what some fat fuck and bland wank-stain from 2Day FM think. Watch them quiver in their boots. Yawn.

Is This The Quote Of The Year?
“You’re a mouthpiece for the corporate music industry, and you always have been!

Download the interview here

British hacks feast on corpulent Britney

The ravenous British tabloids aren’t done feeding on Britney, it would seem. Last week, News Of The World published an article detailing her shagging exploits with not-actually-an-ex-but-annulled-hubby Jason Alexander. This week, we’re informed that Britney is fat. Fat, fat, fat! Positively corpulent and pimply to boot - how does she sleep at night?

THEY call her the Princess Of Pop, the blonde babe whose sexy videos are as memorable as her catchy singles. But just four months before her wedding, Britney Spears’ drop-dead gorgeous looks seem to have, well, dropped dead. At 22, her face is riddled with spots. Once sleek and chiselled, she now has a double chin and wrinkles. Onlookers were also horrified to see once pert Britney bra-less and droopy as she strolled in Los Angeles.

Ah yes, I forgot to mention, her tits are saggy too. Has she no shame? Won’t somebody think of the children?

I always get conflicted when I read stories of celebrities looking shite. The horrible side of me revels in it. I like seeing Cameron Diaz’s acne. I marvel with glee at Alicia Keys’ chest hair. Seeing those with money and fame and talent looking like crap makes me feel better about myself. I can be a horrible person, I must admit it.

The other side of me though (the angelic, kind and gentle side - generally repressed thoughout day to day life) feels nothing but contempt for the “journalists” who churn out such trashy rubbish. Who cares if she’s a little more voluptuous than usual? So what if she has a few pimples? If I ever win a truckload of money on a game show (and it is on my list of things to do, believe me) I plan on offering a bounty for the most unflattering photos of Victoria Newton and other such “journalists” and I will publish them accompanied with as many terrible puns and put-downs my frazzled mind can come up with.

Update: Popculturejunkies.com have this photo of Britney’s behind for those of you with enough morbid curiosity to have a look.

Un-Australian Of The Year ©

ausculture.com has a problem with commitment. We’re a veritable hussy in a world of honourable and chaste websites. You see, we constantly commit to stuff and never follow through. It’s kinda like Britney swearing to stay virginal till marriage and then getting busy with Justin, Fred, and Kevin Federline. Also rather like her marriage, for that matter.

We promised you Law & Order Appreciation Week and promptly forgot about it. Patrick began his “ausculture me” project and abandoned it within days. I declared I’d start writing a fortnightly segment about the Google searches people have done to arrive at ausculture.com, and immediately jumped ship. So hopefully, dear reader, you have learned to take most things we say with a “grain of salt”. Oooh, how Paul from Big Brother!

In the not-too-distant future, ausculture.com will be launching a very, very special project. “Special?” I hear you ask “you mean, even more so than the Big Brother & Australian Idol Blogfests?” Without a doubt. “What about Dolly Parton Appreciation Week?” Yup, more special than that.

Soon, you sexy bastards, we’ll be launching our Un-Australian Of The Year © competition! And there’ll be a special mini-site! Could you ask for any more? Yes, you could - you could ask to be involved, and involved you shall be. You will be asked to vote during the weekly rounds, building up to a frenzied voting crescendo during the Un-Australian Of The Year © final poll.

But before all that, we want your nominations for Un-Australian Of The Year ©. Please do not send us your suggestions by commenting below. Instead, email unaustralian@ausculture.com and if you feel like it, feel free to add your reasons why. You can vote more than once, and your vote will count. Unlike Big Brother, then.

Go on - unlike Australian Of The Year, it probably won’t go to some cricketer John Howard wants to touch inappropriately.

July 18, 2004

Lenny & Lionel - Pumped Up

There’s nothing nicer than two celebrities joining forces to fight evil at various night clubs, is there? Bless - Lionel Ritchie and Lenny Kravitz recently stepped in and split up a brawl while enjoying a night out at London nightclub Chinawhite.

More celebs should take a leaf out of Lionel and Lenny’s books… after all, not enough stars get to double as action heros on weekends, eh? And what gave Lenny and Lionel the strength to fight for their right to party in peace? Rumours say an inspiring pep talk in the men’s bathroom of Chinawhite from a friend called Charlie. Holy Moly! Could Charlie be the unsung hero of the night?

July 17, 2004

Most Influential Australians

Lucky us - another list published in the papers for us to heckle! Anytime you gather a group of names and label them “Most Something Or Other” you’re always likely to get critics, aren’t you - and I personally quite enjoy being one of those critics.

Basically, The Australian has declared fourty of our fellow countrymen & women to be the “Forty Most Infuential Australians”.

We’ve listed the top 15 below, and if you want to check out the rest, head here.

The list of the Top 15 contains five politicians (two of them less twattish than most, I guess), one underwear mogul, a cricketer (did Howard compile the list?) and Kate Fisher’s mum. Do you agree with the list?

July 6, 2004

Jess McAvoy - Free Song!

In my travels across this wide brown internet land, I sometimes enjoy finding music I’ve never heard and giving it a go to see if I’m missing out on anything. Hence I always download new and unfamiliar band’s mp3s if they look remotely decent\interesting.

Here’s one I found that you may like - Jess McAvoy is a Melbourne based singer-songwriter, and you can download her song “Till Light” by right clicking and saving.

First time I heard it, I wasn’t sure how I felt but by the second time, I think I knew I had some special and probably inappropriate feelings for it. No, in all seriousness it’s a lovely folky-pop tune with delightful guitar and I must say, I really do love her voice.

Be sure to check out her website and hey, why not say hello on the messageboard - musicians are needy folk and always love a good virtual cuddle and pat on the back, that’s what I always say.

A request for you all out there - if you know of any unsigned\unknown bands with mp3s available and you’d like to recommend them for our listening pleasure, please either leave a reply in this post or email me at jess@ausculture.com.

July 5, 2004

Metallica Get Cuddly

Awwww, aren’t they sweet? Rockers Metallica star in a new documentary, where the band are seen having therapy sessions after coming close to breaking up.

Their psychotherapist, Phil Towle, apparently described the band as a “dysfunctional middle-aged family still trying to live by rules that they had established in their teenage years”. I’ll let you read the rest of the article in your own time, but before I go, I loved the imagery this last paragraph brought to mind.

July 2, 2004

Musical Challenge Me #2 - Completed

Hold me, I’m scared!

Okay, I offer up to the altar of pisstaking the rockin’ guitar funky blues version* of Ice-T & Bodycount’s Cop Killer. I just want you all to know how ridiculous I felt singing lines like “Fuck the police for my dead homies” but I carried out the challenge and have emerged unscathed, if slightly disturbed. A moment to look out for - me throwing the mic away at the end in frustration.

Download ausculture.com’s remix of Cop Killer

Download the original Bodycount version of Cop Killer

I’m going to regret putting this online, aren’t I? There’s no way on earth a white female Australian can sing a line like “Have some mother fucking courage” and pull it off.

*May not contain any of these things, but it may contain traces of nuts.

Australian Idol Blogfest - Arrived!

We promised, and we’ve delivered something not worth getting excited about - yet. But we’ve got our fingers and toes crossed that our brand spanking new Australian Idol Blogfest will be worth the trouble of writing, and in your case - the trouble of reading.

It’s fairly bare at the moment (other than biographies on the judges) but gives us a few weeks and it’ll be pumping. Promise.

June 28, 2004

Australian Idol 2004

It’s only a matter of weeks till the new season of Australian Idol, and ausculture.com are feeling mixed emotions. We’re excited, sceptical, hopeful, worried and thrilled about the new season of the show, and the anticipation of finding out whether 2004 will be a bung or beaut year for Australian manufactured pop is almost killing us.

So why am I telling you this? I’m giving you advanced warning of a new structure being added to our site. That’s right - an Australian Idol 2004 blog, in the vein of our Big Brother Blogfest!

Here’s hoping the show supplies us with enough material to constitute a blog. Oh, and that the stress of running a Big Brother AND Australian Idol blog simultaneously doesn’t kill us.

PS: Patrick - you’d better change that ausculture.com banner to read 60% more reality television!

June 23, 2004

Kayne Taylor?

First of all, I have to admit that I never watched an episode of Popstars Live. As such, I’ve never heard Kayne Taylor sing before.

for some strange reason I went and had a look to see if I could find an audio file of Kayne’s debut single Heartbreaker using google. I hit pay-dirt.

Suffice to say, it’s no Popplers theme song. Still, Kayne sounds like a decent vocalist. I’m confused though, is Heartbreaker a cover or does it simply lack any real imagination?

Listen to Heartbreaker and decide for yourself.

June 10, 2004

Dolly Tops List

I know it’s not Dolly Parton Appreciation Week any more, but how fabulous is this? Dolly has topped a list of the 100 Greatest Love Songs. Sure, it’s not for the magnificent Islands In The Stream, but we’ll overlook that.

Dolly came up trumps in Country Music Television’s list for her tune I Will Always Love You (butchered by Whitney Houston in the early nineties for The Bodyguard), a ode to her ex-collaborator Porter Wagoner.

This is further proof that Dolly Parton should rule the world. Or something.

June 9, 2004

Craig Nicholls’ Twattish Behavior Has Papers Salivating

It seems everywhere I turn this week there’s a stupid Craig Nicholls photo with his stupid ‘I’m eccentric!’ facial expression in an article about his stupid bloody antics during the last few weeks. This photo pretty much sums up why I think Craig Nicholls is a complete cockface.

Christine Sams took a sensitive approach to report on The Vines troubles, saying that the “sad secret” behind one of Australia’s best bands was that Craig Nicholls was suffering from mental exhaustion back on May 30th. On June 6th, she filed Nicholls, Craig next to Spears, Britney in pop’s filing cabinet of stressed out stars, and quoted music analyst Phil Tripp blaming second album blues and unattentive managers for Craig’s recent hissyfits.

Barry Divola, meanwhile, has admonished Triple M for banning The Vines music in an article published in the Sydney Morning Herald. Richard Jinman reports that The Vines latest album has jumped up the charts after the Annandale kerfuffle, and feels that Nicholls would appreciate Matt Rule’s comparison of his performance to Kurt Cobain’s energetic, unpredictable live shows. And he probably would.

In my personal opinion, Craig Nicholls has always been trying to act how he thinks an enigmatic front man should act, rather than just being an enigmatic front man. The Australian tends to agree, with writer Iain Shedden stating about Nicholls onstage antics “what was once fresh and exciting now looks stale, contrived and not a little embarrassing. “ Touche. Craig has written some great tunes - “Highly Evolved” is a brilliant song - so there’s some talent there. I just can’t believe he cocks it all up by acting like an uberwanker during live shows.

The press are making out like the Annandale performance was the first time Craig has behaved that way on stage whereas the truth is it was a fairly average performance for him. Every band has their off day, just as every band has their good day. I just don’t understand why The Vines tend to be having a majority of the former. Their performance at the Big Day Out was terrible, and mostly due to Craig’s theatrics. That ridiculous face, mumbling words, singing off-key - giving your fans a half-arsed performance is not the definition of rock-n-roll, Craig.

This site reviewed The Vines’ performance at a March gig in Chicago. Ahem. Allow me to quote from them - it’s rather apt, don’t you think? Was Craig just rehearsing the script for the Annandale gig?

And this article published on bbc.co.uk sums it up rather nicely…

Exactly. It’s contrived, boring, fake and old. Enough with the wannabe rockstar behaviour, and just be a fucking rockstar! I always get the feeling that Craig’s obnoxious front during live shows - especially the purposely offkey singing - is merely his way of covering up insecurity about singing properly in front of a crowd. Either that, or he’s desperately ripping off Kurt’s performance on Top Of The Pops.

In any case, he should fucking stop it and begin giving his fans what they paid for - an energetic, exciting, good performance of The Vines’ tunes, not some lame Cobain impersonation. If imitating the Nirvana lead singer is his life’s goal, then Craig Nicholls might as well go out and buy the shotgun now because we all know where this story leads.

Which Band Needs A New Lead Singer?

We mentioned in today’s news wrap that Survivor producer Mark Burnett was developing a series sort of like Australian Idol but with a rawk edge - the winner would become lead singer of an already established internationally recognised band, or something like that.

My beloved Batson commented that the winner should take over Limp Bizkit since Fred Durst is rather crap (but sensitive), or something along those lines which got me thinking - what other bands need their lead singer ditched, possibly in favour of a reality TV show winner?

Obviously INXS are still looking for that perfect lead singer to replace Michael Hutchence (though I’m unsure whether Jon Stevens has resumed singing with them now he has all this free time post The Resort axing) - they’d be a lead contender for the band most needing a new singer via reality TV. I’m sure Popstars Live singer Kayne Taylor would love to step in those shoes!

So I ask you all - which band needs their lead singer replaced by a reality TV show winner? Points awarded for most creative answers but as per usual, points mean nothing and we can’t afford an actual prize.

June 8, 2004

Avril’s A Writer (Don’t You Fucking Forget It)

In a Rolling Stone interview, Avril Lavigne reveals that Fred Durst tried to woo her with burgers and fries, whilst another time she and Marilyn Manson painted each other’s nails. Lovely.

But her surly Canuck venom is reserved for those who dare accuse her of not being a songwriter. “People saying I can’t sing, but I have no problem with that, because I know that I can. People saying that I can’t write, which pisses the fuck out of me, because I’m a writer. Don’t you fucking dare try to take that from me.”

Ooooh, Avril! Such strong words, you hardcore little street punk you! Bless her little credible toes.

When asked what kind of political songs she had written, she replied “The way I wish that people would just come together. Like, “Why is this planet suffocating?” Avril also gives us an example of her songwriting prowess, telling RS that she wrote a song about the Washington DC sniper attacks that wasn’t included on the album.

An example lyric goes

“On my TV there’s a serial killer
who’s taken too many lives
He shot somebody every day
And now he’s still getting away.”

God I love Avril!

(Comment by Patrick) Avril is a great writer. See the proof.

June 7, 2004

Jennifer Lopez Got Married!

Hahahahahahaha, what a brilliant way to start the morning - a good old fashioned belly laugh! Oh Christ, does she go out of her way to be a joke? According to news reports this morning, Jennifer Lopez has married singer Marc Anthony in a ceremony at her home. The wedding was co-ordinated by the same chick who did the Judd wedding and also organised the near-miss Affleck nuptials! Surely weding planner Sharon Sachs is on twenty four hour call for whenever J Lo gets the urge to tie the knot?

At this rate, Jennifer will have notched up more husbands than Liz Taylor by the time she hits fourty! I mean really, how desperate can she really be to become a wife again? She divorces Cris Judd, within seconds becomes engaged to Ben Affleck, breaks up with Affleck and before you know it, she’s hitched again?

With her track record, surely she’d be better off waiting, oh I don’t know, more than a few minutes to decide whether her new fella is ‘the one’?