Category: moofies

August 1, 2004

Eric Bana 007? Surely not!

News of the World tells us that Eric Bana is to be the next James Bond. Bana is pictured here with Holly Valance. Do I need to say any more? Yes.

Hulk director Ang Lee is reported as saying of Bana that “He was fantastic in Black Hawk Down.”

Eric Bana Central says that

Is that a joke? Anyway, allow me to give you my opinion of how well Eric Bana fits the role of James Bond. About as well as say Arnold Schwarzenegger in a comedy movie such as ‘Twins’. In other words, shithouse.

I’m absolutely baffled how from a rumored list of 1. Eric Bana 2. Orlando Bloom 3. Ewan McGregor 4. Hugh Jackman 5. Jude Law

Eric Bana could be the choice. No actually, I take that back. I’m baffled as to how that could be the list in the first place. The only one who seems possibly Bond-like on that list is Jude Law. I have nothing againt Bana as an actor (or any of the others on the list) but really - for them to play James Bond?

Apparently, producers want to “modernise Bond and turn him into a youthful, suave and modern hero.” You mean something like ‘XXX’? - wasn’t that movie a treat!

Are the producers actually trying to put the waning 007 franchise to the sword? If so, I say why give it a slow death? Why not just cast Shaquille O’Neal as Bond and J-Lo as the new Bond woman?

Call it “007 too!” and have Jar Jar Binks as Bond’s trusty sidekick.

July 30, 2004

Yet Another List - The Top 100 Film Actors

Today’s list is one with infinite pub-debate potential - Empire magazine have rated the Top 100 Actors of all time and, as news.com.au excitedly points out, there are actually some Australian’s on the roll of honour! Well, three out of a hundred isn’t too bad (in the ‘not all that good’ sense). The lucky and talented actors are Nicole Kidman, Russell Crowe and Cate Blanchett.

Unfortunately, I can’t find the entire list published anywhere, but news.com.au have supplied us with the Top Ten so at the very least, we’ll heckle that.

What a load of nonsense. An ausculture.com Top 10 Greatest Actors list would be far more accurate and objective. Ahem. Allow us to share with you who we think constitute the Top 10 and the specific movie(s) they should be glorified for.

ausculture.com’s Top 10 Greatest Actors

1. Kylie Minogue (The Delinquents; Bio-Dome)
2. Nicole Kidman (solely for Bush Christmas; BMX Bandits)
3. Steve Irwin (The Crocodile Hunter: Collision Course)
4. Madonna (The Next Best Thing)
5. Julia Roberts (Step-Mom)
6. Tom Skerrit (Poison Ivy)
7. Cybill Shepherd (Driven to Succeed: The Story Of Martha Stewart)
8. Andrew Dice Clay (The Adventures Of Ford Fairlane)
9. Steve Guttenberg (Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol; P.S. Your Cat Is Dead)
10. Chevy Chase (Man Of The House; Cops and Robbersons)

July 19, 2004

Un-Australian Of The Year ©

ausculture.com has a problem with commitment. We’re a veritable hussy in a world of honourable and chaste websites. You see, we constantly commit to stuff and never follow through. It’s kinda like Britney swearing to stay virginal till marriage and then getting busy with Justin, Fred, and Kevin Federline. Also rather like her marriage, for that matter.

We promised you Law & Order Appreciation Week and promptly forgot about it. Patrick began his “ausculture me” project and abandoned it within days. I declared I’d start writing a fortnightly segment about the Google searches people have done to arrive at ausculture.com, and immediately jumped ship. So hopefully, dear reader, you have learned to take most things we say with a “grain of salt”. Oooh, how Paul from Big Brother!

In the not-too-distant future, ausculture.com will be launching a very, very special project. “Special?” I hear you ask “you mean, even more so than the Big Brother & Australian Idol Blogfests?” Without a doubt. “What about Dolly Parton Appreciation Week?” Yup, more special than that.

Soon, you sexy bastards, we’ll be launching our Un-Australian Of The Year © competition! And there’ll be a special mini-site! Could you ask for any more? Yes, you could - you could ask to be involved, and involved you shall be. You will be asked to vote during the weekly rounds, building up to a frenzied voting crescendo during the Un-Australian Of The Year © final poll.

But before all that, we want your nominations for Un-Australian Of The Year ©. Please do not send us your suggestions by commenting below. Instead, email unaustralian@ausculture.com and if you feel like it, feel free to add your reasons why. You can vote more than once, and your vote will count. Unlike Big Brother, then.

Go on - unlike Australian Of The Year, it probably won’t go to some cricketer John Howard wants to touch inappropriately.

July 17, 2004

Most Influential Australians

Lucky us - another list published in the papers for us to heckle! Anytime you gather a group of names and label them “Most Something Or Other” you’re always likely to get critics, aren’t you - and I personally quite enjoy being one of those critics.

Basically, The Australian has declared fourty of our fellow countrymen & women to be the “Forty Most Infuential Australians”.

We’ve listed the top 15 below, and if you want to check out the rest, head here.

The list of the Top 15 contains five politicians (two of them less twattish than most, I guess), one underwear mogul, a cricketer (did Howard compile the list?) and Kate Fisher’s mum. Do you agree with the list?

June 28, 2004

Olsen-Polson Swap - Special Report by Steve Fellows

ausculture.com are proud to have the man behind the Boonie’s Mullet Exclusive and Shane Warne: Secret Agent back where he belongs, reporting on the big issues for ausculture.com.

Olsen - Polson Swap Exclusive! by Steve Fellows

In a remarkable display of showbiz solidarity, Tropfest mastermind John Polson today volunteered to stand in for stricken Olsen twin Mary-Kate who will miss the Australian leg of the publicity tour for the twins’ new movie New York Minute. Mary-Kate, one half of the richest twins in the world, has checked herself into a US clinic to treat a severe eating disorder.

Polson was quick to deny claims that he is trying to revive his flagging acting career by associating himself with the Olsens. Despite not appearing in the movie, being a teenage girl or even having met the twins, he claims he is the ideal celebrity to spruik New York Minute.

Speaking to entertainment namish Antonia Kidman, Polson said “I am the ideal celebrity to spruik New York Minute. I heard about Mary-Kate’s eating disorder and I thought bloody hell - our surnames rhyme!” At this stage it is unclear whether the twins will accept Polson’s generous offer.

To further complicate the matter, actor Danny Devito is said to be livid that he and Arnold Schwarzenegger were overlooked for the movie, despite not being teenage girls. He is seeking to block the release of the film, and has also stated that Full House star Bob Saget was the worst sitcom dad he has ever seen.