Casey Phenomenal talent and stage presence, questionable conversational skills, tendency to parade bed linen on stage, otherwise boring.

Anthony Talent, questionable masculinity, tendency to parade Young Talent Time dance moves on stage, otherwise boring.

Courtney Talent, questionable humility, tendency to look rather high in cholesterol, otherwise boring.

Hayley Talentless bogan

I rest my totally unflimsy case. Some similarities but 2003 clearly shits on this year. And after such a promising start to this series!

When there is no sense left, it is often a valuable exercise to consider what hidden messages lie in the madness. Yes, that’s right: the healing and prophetic power of the anagram.

Courtney Murphy = Hey, Country Rump!

Excellent: things are starting to become clearer.

Chanel Cole = Cancel Hole

Clearer still!

Anthony Callea = Ache not anally

Spooky! But probably a futile wish.

Casey Donovan = Ova any second

No doubt biologically true, but untrue in the Kath & Kim sense, ‘cos it ain’t ova until… um, that’s also apparently untrue. Shall we try again?

Casey Donovan = Soda Can Envoy

Uncanny! OK, it’s a stretch. Humour me.

Hayley Jensen = Jenny Eyelash

There you have it! Even her anagram sounds like a bogan!

While I am not certain that that was an entirely enlightening experience, other than to clarify that which was already painfully obvious, it does serve to underscore one burgeoning reality: as Australian idol draws to a close, we must use any means possible to make sense of this shiteful mess of a Top 4 and guide it towards an adequate conclusion.

If the show must go on, I say no more horsing around: let’s ride Casey to the finish line.

She is the mane contender with the finest pedigree. Sure, I’ve been a neigh-sayer: she’s incredibly boring and, sadly, is going through her Goth phase on national TV. And she has certain conversational shortcomings. Highlights from last night include the Hilary Duff-esque “I was like ‘Uh,’ and they were like ‘Uh,’” and the even more insightful ’ - ‘, which appears to be one of her favourites.

But overall, Casey is now where it must be at.

You know what I’m sayin’?

Now, a moment’s silence.

That is all.

Nova Scotia

We’re Doing Things A Little Different Round These Parts…

Hello, Idol fans!

I regret to inform you that I am no longer going to recap Idol - at least, certainly not as often. I’m struggling and I worry you must all be thinking less of me after I submit dreadful post after dreadful post in a vain effort to keep you all happy.

On the upside, I have just negotiated an exclusive deal with Marcia, Dicko and Mark - that’s right, they’ll be giving us their feedback after each show and I’ve no doubt it’ll be revealing, sensational and thoroughly relevant.

Stay tuned…

October 25, 2004

Farewell, Chanel!

We knew it had to happen, and despite the hopes and dreams of all Chanel lovers, the girl from Bega has been booted from the house Idol. For a second there, I thought Courtney would get the least amount of votes, which would trigger off a tantrum of Daniel Belle proportions but alas, no.

I have to ask though, what WAS with that concession speech? I rather wish she’d come off a little more dignified\less insane, but hey - let’s move on. I do wonder though whether she and Hayley shared a pre-show spliff which could account for both Chanel’s rather odd ramblings and Hayley’s fit of giggles during the group performance of Earth, Wind & Fire. That’d be kinda cool.

Thankfully, Chanel’s post-insane ramblings final performance was far more kick arse than that of Sunday night. She redeemed herself in every way, working the crowd, singing like she was having fun - though seriously Marcia, please don’t try and fool us by doing some friendly hip hop dance moves when Chanel walks by. We all know you hated her. In your ideal world, your “critique” of her Sunday night performance of Blu Cantrell would have gone as follows.

Marcia: Chanel, do you know what that song is about?
Chanel: Puppies? Fondling Dicko and Mark? Baked beans?
Marcia: No, you stupid thick goddamn hippy piece of shit, it’s about anger! ANGER! I fucking hate you, you little slop-tart! WHY DO YOU HAUNT MY DREAMS SO?!

Unfortunately for Marcia, her post-performance discussion with Chanel went more like this…

Marcia: Chanel, do you know what that song is about?
Chanel: Anger.
Marcia: No, it’s about ang… no, it’s ummmm more than anger. It’s about lighter fluid on trousers. Yes. I HAVE NOTHING MORE TO SAY TO YOU!

Cheer up though, Chanel fans. She was never meant to be the Australian Idol. Do we REALLY want Chanel to release Angels Brought Me Here II? I think not. In fact, the entire Idol process was killing her, slowly driving her mad and turning her into a bit (more) of a space cadet. I have no doubt Dicko will sign her, and given room to do her own thang, Chanel will sparkle.

Meanwhile, completely unexpectedly - I find myself drawn to the idea of supporting Hayley. I’ll let you know how it evolves.

Sunday Night Idol Thoughts - With Gadge McSexpot

I love Gadge, he loves Idol and he writes a good wrap up. My thoughts will come soon but till then, enjoy the following. I think he makes some great points!

Ahh, the rather disappointing R+B/Soul night. Firstly, Marcia Hines is useless. Secondly, Tassie’s own Amali Ward was barely glimpsable in the audience - but I glimpsed her. Go my eagle eyes. Thirdly, the audience featured many gay men - witness the several dancing along to Hayley, and the obvious bear who gave Anthony the Standing O. The gays, they love themselves a bit of Idol, no?

Anyway, first up was Chanel. You know I love Chanel. Chanel knows I love Chanel. Certain appellate courts are also now aware I love Chanel, and would rather I didn’t do so with as much vigor. I thought this song was a perfect choice for her, and waited for it with the anticipation that hearing she was doing ‘Across the Universe’ on Beatles night brought. Damnit. She just didn’t pull it off, and it was weak, and I wondered, “Why you gots to hurt me that way, baby?” Oh, Chanel. To take the mickey is one thing, but I really, really wanted her to hit this one for six, and she missed it.

But it’s a surprisingly hard song to sing, as a friend once found out when I encouraged her to do it for karaoke. All light and fluffy to begin with, and then Blu Cantrell starts positively wailing away during the second half and if you don’t have a strong enough voice, you get completely lost. Chanel tried, and I want her to stick around, but I worry that she just got herself booted from the competition. Which would make me sad. Weakest on the night, though.

Anthony - interesting that he and Hayley were the two most uncomfortable in front of the camera, I thought. And with the idea of showing flesh. Anthony’s very competent but completely dull, and unless his edge becomes anything more than constant artfully-grown stubble and the occasional pandering to his deeper range, he will remain dreadfully dull. Apparently half of Melbourne has a friend who knows Anthony is gay, so coming out could help, or he could just live a few years of a life that involves Rolling Stone, and the Beatles, and occasionally being seen in public with a shirt that doesn’t button all the way up, and maybe he’d get there. What makes it worse is that there is a fantastic musician inside him (pun intended), because he has been transcendent in the past. It’s whether he can do that on more than one song, that’s the question. Oh, and he also ornamented the song in a way I really wish he hadn’t. Stupid R+B ‘flourishes’ - I hate them most of all, scarecrow.

When Marcia, interrupting Mark to make his point for him, said to Anthony, ‘It ain’t over ‘til the fat lady sings,’ I thought, ‘Isn’t she up next?’ - an entirely inappropriate, but it turns out accurate, thing to go through my mind. Casey, I think, is getting to the finals. I didn’t quite reach Mark’s levels of ecstacy, for me, but it was a charmingly controlled performance that also managed to show off her range, and it would take a weak fanbase to not propel her to the end. Her and Anthony are the two with the strongest voices (with Hayley just a little underneath) left in this competition, and I’m beginning to think that it will be a power-showdown between the two for the title.

Courtney is a funny guy, though he still can’t take criticism for shit. He also, like Chanel, ended up choosing a song that was too ambitious for him, and it showed. It was piss-funny when Mark asked him whether he had a cold, though, and he shook his head - what, an Idol not making any claim that they’re sick? That never happens. I think he’s really getting a little too certain of his place in the competition, but that this weak performance is likely to open his eyes, if the results do what they should and finally, finally put him in the bottom three. He’s one of only two who haven’t been there yet, and it’s about bloody time he was given something to be humble about, especially as this, as is usual for him, was a strong pub performance, nothing more.

Finally, Hayley. I actually really liked her doing this, and found myself enjoying it more than Dicko. That I’d enjoy it more than Mark was a given, but it was fun, and she did it well, and though I’m beginning to think our Hayley model hasn’t come with Kung-Fu Grip, as she slooowly gets pulled out of overly shiny comfort zone of Canberran cosiness, I hold out hope that she can fully break out with her very natural musical talent. It’s weird, though, to think she’s only 21, because she does seem much older. But I think it means she has a chance to completely break her own mold, which would be good.

Anyway, we’ve two older, weaker singers, two young, plastic performers, and the youngest, with probably the most natural raw talent of any of them. The girls have my vote, but I’m expecting a Chanel, Courtney, Hayley bottom three, with (though I really hope not) Chanel to go. But if you vote for her, she tells you how attractive you are! Cheap validation never sounded so good…

Gadge.

October 20, 2004

Erm, Slight Delay On That Idol Recap…

As you can see, I didn’t end up writing up an Idol recap despite my NUMEROUS promises to do so. On a normal day, I would allow you all to pelt me with stones and hurl abuse at my direction. However, I think I have a reasonable excuse. I spent twenty four hours solid silently praying to the Gods that the right person would leave Monday.

And since Marty is now gone, I think we can all safely

a) give me the appropriate credit

and

b) not hassle me or make up lies about me being distracted or lazy or too focused on the ARIA’s to fulfil my destiny.

That out of the way, allow me to throw out some random thoughts…

• Chanel was quite good. I adore her. I wish she didn’t piss about with little girl faces before and after each performance but hell, when she’s onstage she’s so good I can forgive her anything. And Sam Brown’s “Stop” is completely luscious. Fop thinks she should perform “Trick Me” by Kelis on Sunday night, and by freakish coincidence, Ms Fits professed a similar opinion over at the Tortured Artist’s Lair earlier in the week. Chanel - Listen To The Voices Of Your Peeps!

• Hayley is getting very smiley and happy and cheeky and fun, isn’t she? I think she has pent up sexual energy. Good. Channel it, babycakes!

• Anthony Calea was FUCKING RUBBISH! I really don’t understand why the judges gushed over him. Well, I know why Marcia gushed over him - he has a willy (despite speculation regarding where he’d like to stick it) and Marcia totally wants to bone any male Idol finalists. Don’t question me. Anyway, I don’t comprehend why Anthony singing far too deeply and going overboard with warbling instead of actually displaying some real emotion constitutes genius but clearly I’m in a minority. Whatever. He’ll end up winning it, I can feel it.

• Casey \ Courtney - I suppose they were good, but I have to tell you, I’m a little over the eighties power ballad. I mean, if they’d sung “Don’t Stop Believing” by Journey, things might have been different. Anyway, I’m gutted no one bothered to perform the classic Aussie tune “Wait” by Gyan. My mum’s vacuuming favourite!

• Who else was there? Oh yeah, Marty. Heh. I’m sure he’s quite pleasant in the house, but deadset, he pulls the most irritating poses. Thank Christ he’s gone.

Can anyone tell me what happened on last night’s Idol spectacular?

October 18, 2004

The Idol Recap Is Coming…

I promise it is. The ARIA Wrap took longer than expected. In the meantime, please enjoy some Ricki-Lee based humour thanks to the lovely Crystal by clicking here.

Quite frankly, I laughed myself stupid at this. Funniest thing I’ve seen in a while.

October 17, 2004

Some Pre-Show Thoughts

Firstly, can I just say how excited I am that Chanel is singing “Stop”? It is going to be So Good - Seventh Day Adventist style. On Friday night during the post work drink-fest in The Rocks, a few of us began discussing Idol and we were all agreed that Chanel will - nay, MUST - kick so much arse with this song. For me personally, it will mean I may regain the deep love I felt for her that has briefly waned over the past few weeks of coyness and eyelash fluttering…

Other things discussed over the night with fellow Idol enthusiasts Scott and Sal (in between random Marty impersonations - let’s just say it involves one leg being in front of the other as you hold your arm up in the air and sing up passionately in full-on eighties rock poseur fashion) included

• Marty is shit and annoying (Jess)
• Marty is excellent and likable (Scott & Sal)
• Casey will kick much arse this week (Scott)
• Casey is terrible and should be booted this week (Sal)
• Hayley should also go (Sal)
• Chanel will take “Stop” to a whole new level (Jess, Scott & Sal)
• Anthony Calea will probably win due to the teenage girl vote (Scott)
• Anthony Calea will get to the final two due to the teenage girl vote but will suffer from Blairitis* which will prevent him from taking the crown. (Jess)

As you can see, we have a tendency to talk rubbish when drunk.

• Blairitis - a disease named after the first known sufferer, Blair McDonough from Big Brother I. The sufferer (normally a contestant on a reality show) is propelled to fame and success due to the unwavering fanatical support of teenage girls and their pre-paid mobile plans. Average viewers will allow this to happen through out the series, perpetuating a belief that the sufferer is a “shoe in” to win the competition - until the final episode of the show, when the average viewers will suddenly come out in droves to vote for the first time and unexpectedly knock the Blairitis sufferer out of the competition. See also Noll Syndrome and Condoblin Disease.

October 11, 2004

Fisticuffs Galore - Oh, And A Song Or Two!

Well ladies and gentlemen - while on the main blog I may be continuing my flitting between noisy whining and disturbingly upbeat delusional behaviour, life in the Idol world goes on. If Andrew G and James Mathison had come out on stage and declared “Australian Idol 2004 has been cancelled, since it’s blatantly obvious the Australian public can’t be trusted voting for anything. We simply cannot risk Marty Worrall winning the competition. Goodnight.” I probably wouldn’t have been surprised. But they didn’t because as we all know, politics means nothing in the adorably fickle and shallow world of pop and if there’s a God, that’s the way it’ll stay.

On with the show! This episode opinion piece will consist of random thoughts. Bear with me, at the very least, the random thoughts will occur in chronological order. Is that a paradox? No? Yes? I knew I should never have slept through Year Twelve English. Stupid comfy pencil-case-on-desk-mattress. By the way, I was at the pub last night but taped Idol and watched it in the wee hours of the night out of dedication. This means I saw the performances, saw most of the judges reactions, but fast forwarded through excessive Beatles history lessons and old folk nattering on about how they knew the gang back in the day. Hope I didn’t miss anything interesting! Below are my hastily scribbled notes. Some in past tense, some in present tense - please do not judge me, English is not my first language. Really.

• Andrew G looks ADORABLE when running dressed as a Beatle. When he stops running, I lose my attraction. Odd. Obviously the only way for Andrew G and I to fulfil our destiny as lurvers is for me to purchase a treadmill and handcuff him to it. Andrew, understand I’m only doing it because I know what’s best for us - not because I’m psycho. Please don’t be frightened. Or rent ‘Misery’ anytime soon. xxxx

• We begin with Chanel arriving on stage to sing “Across The Universe”. A song I like, yes indeed, but I don’t want to make hot sexy love to it so I figure I’m nicely unbiased. I did enjoy Fiona Apple’s version of it though. I must admit that Chanel’s hair bothered me at first, but then I realised I am far too mature to be distracted by trivial things like Princess Leia buns, or random plants. The beginning doesn’t do too much for me - I like her, I really do, but the coy wistful facial expressions are beginning to wear me down. Could my lack of sleep be leading me to feel such sacrilegious emotions?! I liked Chanel’s version of the song but I didn’t love it. Gasp. It just didn’t feel like she was hitting it for some reason. The hard, loud bit at the end grated a little and for the first time I could actually hear the Bjork-aspect. After the song finished, the audience went wild - too wild - and I began to suspect they were anticipating another judge’s backlash towards Chanel. At least sweet little Daniel Belle gave her a standing ovation… in his pants! Boom boom. Champagne comedy here at ausculture.com. Well, it turned out that I have no fucking clue what I’m on about - the judges loved it. They lapped it up! Marcia knows Fiona Apple AND likes Chanel tonight - what alternate world have I jumped into, Sliders style? This could all mean one of two things; either I am totally ‘in the zone’ tonight regarding Idol judging and everyone else in the world is daft, or my post-election depression\lack of sleep has resulted in me only finding Chanel adequate tonight rather than absolute genius. I suspect I might be at fault.

• What to say about Anthony Calea? He destroyed “I Saw Her Standing There”. It was the musical equivalent of shoving Christina Aguilera (who is high on crack at the time of this metaphor) in a blender with a vibrator jammed down her throat and Boyz 2 Men thrown in the mix for good measure. Disappointingly bubblegum as Dicko said, and a real shame considering how fantastic his performance was last week. Nevermind Anthony, the teen vote will keep you in the competition till at LEAST the final three.

• Casey, Casey, Casey… An excellent song choice for you, as everyone has said, and an awful overpowering (orchestra wise) rendition of it. For the first time ever, Casey’s voice was drowned out by the music and she looked out of place.

• Now time for some hilarious “On The Street” banter! Countless Australian’s confessing to the camera that they have “no idea” who The Beatles were\are. Remember that these people vote - and not just for Idol. I guarantee you every single one of those twitching morons muttering stuff about having “never grown up” with The Beatles while drooling on their shoes voted Liberal. Or Family First…. erm, sorry about slipping back into Political Jess Mode. Normal service will now resume.

• Quote of the night! “Shame that they shot one of them, I reckon!” Too right, crazy old adorable granny!

• Around this point in the show, I began to question whether Glenn A Baker had been brought onto the show as a guest, or as an on-set tutor. The pre performance clip\informal chat by each Idol contestant came off more like a class report on The Beatles. “This song was written in 1964 and it’s really nice. It’s about wanting to hold someone’s hand, which is really important. In conclusion, while I’ve been living in a cave all my life and managed to avoid ever hearing one of the most influential bands on earth ever despite the fact I’m ‘all about the music’, I would like to let you all know that The Beatles were in fact quite a good band, so it turns out. I thoroughly recommend you give these guys a whirl. Do yourself a favour, Molly style. May I also suggest you keep an ear out for a little known Irish band called U2 - their singer is a little daft but I think they could be the one-hit wonders of the year! Thank you. “

• And now, Marty. He sings one of my favourite Beatles songs “Oh Darling” (long story) and… and… he manages to pull it off. Sort of. In a Marty way. With idiotic facial expressions galore. Despite my intense fear of him winning this competition, I am forced to give him kudos for his version. Unlike our first two singers, he didn’t bugger it up completely by trying to “Kyle & Jackie O” it. Dicko wins my heart by summing it up brilliantly with a jubilant “He wasn’t rubbish tonight!”

• Hayley sings classic Beatles tune “Yesterday” and does quite a good job of it. Hayley suits soft, emotive songs - it’s the bigger stuff that just makes her seem awkward and uncomfortable. She won’t be the Australian Idol but that’s okay since she’ll probably carve out a nice career either in the inoffensive soft adult orientated pop scene a la Dido, the inoffensive soft adult orientated jazz\blues scene a la Norah Jones, or the inoffensive soft adult orientated alt-country scene a la heaps of people I can’t think of right now due to sleep deficiency. Those of you with downloading ability - search for a song called “Half An Acre” by a band called Hem. Ever since Hayley’s first audition, I’ve thought this style of song would suit her perfectly. It’s also worth noting how comfortable she seems tonight - bantering with the judges, standing up for herself in an excellent yet still not cocky manner. Hayley has grown immensely through this competition - it’s a pity she’s just not Idol material. This is not necessarily a bad thing for her. The judges comment on her performance, and Mark confesses to “not having the best recording voice” himself. Dicko responds with “Things You Didn’t Need To Say Volume #4055” and I continue sending him love.

• Courtney did a good if not over-active version of “Got To Get You Into My Life” - the verses were vintage excellent Courtney - but the chorus was exposed as the let down it is in general. God, somewhere out there a Beatles fan is polishing a musket with my name on it, but nevermind - onwards and upwards. Courtney has the voice that Idol management must have hoped Shannon Noll would have last year. I’d say no matter who wins this years Idol, the collective first, second and third place peeps will probably be more vocally talented. Good lord. I really am half asleep now so if I’m just being daft, forgive me. I feel like I might just be rambling incoherently now.

• Marcia, please inform the public of when you last lived in a ghetto. I need an explanation as to why a woman who has lived and worked in Australia for most of her life feels the continual need to repeat hip hop slang as though she’s straight outta Compton. “Those lines were slammin’”, “You go sister-girlfriend” - please don’t try and be hip. While you mock Mark Holden, half the time you talk the same amount of useless rubbish as he does.

• Sky Mangel is in the audience! Best! Episode! Ever!

• Look out, it’s Ricki-Lee “Idol Party Drug!” Coulter and she’s going all Chaka Khan on our arses! As I watch her strut her stuff, there’s no doubt in my mind that she’s the best choice for this year’s Australian Idol winner. She looks beautiful, she’s energetic, she’s likable but not in a vomity way, and she is completely relaxed and comfortable on the stage. Sure, there was a moment of weakness when she forgot a lyric towards the end but all in all, I concluded that hers was my favourite performance of the night. Bring on judges’ adoration! IDOL! IDOL! IDOL! Except it would appear I have the wrong end of the stick. Dicko assures me it was horrendous. Were we watching the same show? Should I put this one down to sleep deprivation too?

• The best part about Ricki-Lee’s performance was that it led to Ultimate Biff Of Idol 2004 - hurrah! Dicko puts Marcia in her place by refusing to let her talk over him, she’s getting upset and edging closer and closer to pulling out a “You ain’t all that and a bag of chips!”, relevance and job worth are questioned - you can’t ask for more! Well, you could ask for Daniel Belle to be involved, but you can’t win them all.

So there you have it, My incoherent daft Idol wrap for last night. Oh darling. Please forgive me.

October 5, 2004

Idol’s Choice Wrap by Gadge

As I was away and unable to hurriedly write down thoughts about Sunday night’s Idol program, the wonderful Gadge did it instead. Unfortunately I wasn’t able to access my email until this afternoon so it’s a little delayed - never mind! Enjoy Sunday night’s Idol wrap just a few days late - it’s delightful nonetheless.

Ricki-Lee - She’s not really done the ‘stand still and belt’ yet, and this was her demonstrating that can. Her performance of ‘I Have Nothink’ (at least, that’s how James said it - he really needs to iron out that particular annoying Aussieism) showed that’s she’s not just about the bopping, but can be a champion even without it. She was, at the start of the show, my pick to win it, and I think she’s definitely finals material.

Marty - I want Marty to sing Snow’s ‘Informer’, or scat, or indeed anything where the lyrics are unintelligible, because he enunciates everything so clearly that every word would be discernable. He’d be a great person to have for a karaoke party for that reason. His performances, though, have just gotten neater and neater, no matter his song choice. This was no exception, as Dicko and Mark pointed out - a song that required some abandon, some flair, some real rock vibe just carried the emotional heft of a Year 11 Poem set to music. I think he’s going this week.

Hayley - I was all proud of myself for noticing that, for Hayley, nothing except the voice comes naturally; everything else is really hard work. The Inside Idol show on Thursday really drove that home by showing how all her moves for Disco Night were very carefully choreographed beforehand. Mark and Dicko noticed the same thing, though, meaning my observation was right, but hardly my own. She is really trying, though, and she does have a strong voice, something the competition is emphasising, and for her more than anyone else I think her choice of song was a further challenge. One she met vocally, but not with the same emotional intesity as Casey brought to her George song. Still, I really liked that she performed it, and admire her efforts to continually strive for the greater and greater effort.

Daniel - I really like ‘Your Song’ - there’s something about the casual lyrics that makes the sentiment really resonate, for me. And Daniel got some of the power in there - but most of his work was done by the orchestra. Here and there I could here Opera Daniel come in, and a few times I noticed him moving into a note he’d tried to hit head-on, meaning that Mark was, once more, voicing some of my view. I’m just going to accept it now, that Mark has regained the sense he lost last year, and Marcia has decided to take the role of ‘crap judge’, and take it to heart. Daniel has a powerful voice that isn’t as accurate as it needs to be, and it’s beginning to show. We need another bottom three person, possibly two, and I think one might be him.

Chanel - They’re really setting Chanel up as the diva; where Casey is portrayed as, ‘Oh, she knows what she likes,’ Chanel was portrayed as, ‘She doesn’t take suggestions well.’ When the opening spiel had the, ‘Who will fall?’ moment, it was over a picture of Chanel. I’m getting the impression that there’s a movement against her because she knows her own mind so well. To me, however, it’s like if one of my singer friends entered the competition, and I wouldn’t strike her own instincts against her for the world. On Inside Idol, she was dismayed to find out there would be no backing vocals, as the harmonies are an important part of ‘Constant Craving’ - and she’s right, they are. But she countered that by making it this absolutely gorgeous number, and I’m with Dicko on the orchestra coming in almost being a disappointment, as she had the song completely at her mercy. Love her still, and though she probably won’t win, she won’t need to - she’s pretty damned fantastic on her own merits.

But that Marcia - it’s been a couple of weeks since I’ve really noticed that she doesn’t like Chanel, and whoo boy. She can turn even a compliment into a scathing hatred, and it’s such an obvious thing when she loves every single other performer … except one. Perhaps it is the fact that Chanel is clearly not a belter, as she herself admitted. Perhaps, and I think this is more it, it’s because Dicko and Mark love Chanel so unabashedly. Marcia, it seems, is jealous of that, because amongst the by-now-standard not shutting up ever, she also made such a big thing about Chanel being a witch. Marcia and the show aside, I would buy a Chanel album, no questions asked, and will think she’s fabulous even if she were to come into my home and piss on my shoes.

Courtney - Courtney had the same problem as Chanel, a song that really lives on its harmonies but with no backing vocals. Chanel decided to rearrange the song; Courtney made do and turned it into his fairly standard pub song, albeit with a few extra high notes. I think Courtney’s revealed his limitations as a singer by now; a strong performer with a good sense of humour (which they made sure to highlight in his style snippet - the production company loves Courtney) but with a way of turning every song into a B+S Ball number. It’s a big B+S Ball he’s performing for, and you’ll not find much better - but it’s that type of singing nonetheless, and he just hasn’t broken out of it. He’s loved, so I reckon he’s safe for a bit longer, but he’ll have to go eventually.

Casey - Hayley reached the high notes in her George song; Casey owned them, and delivered a performance even better than her semi-final one, where people everywhere sort of went, ‘Oh, now I get it.’ She has a very natural talent, and given a chance to, she can really connect with a powerful song, as she did here. One of the top performances of the night, and I reckon she has to be safe after it. If we have to have touchdowns, and it seems Mark must, then this was one of them.

Anthony - I’ve been hard on this little tacker in the past, as have the judges. I still find him asexual, and a bit pageanty, and because he’s done many a talent competition in the past he’s very calculating in his approach to this one. That being said, he sounded completely different tonight, and in a good way. It was a fantastic performance in a totally different style to anything he’s done before, and I would reckon has guaranteed him a place in the final two. Not only did he sing the hell out of it, but he clearly connected with the song as well; not only did he look near tears at the end of it, but he sold what is undoubtedly a very treacly song (not that I’ve heard it before - Celine Dion? Andrea Bocelli? Bah) in a very genuine fashion. I adore Chanel, and loved Ricki-Lee’s and Casey’s performances, but this was clearly the performance of the evening.

Oh, and it never, ever gets said enough. Shut the hell up, Marcia.

September 28, 2004

The Live Results: Adam’s ‘On The Spot’ Thoughts

Ladies and gentlemen - without any ado whatsoever, allow me to introduce Adam from Quixotic Boards (which is currently offline, but anyways…) He has delightfully responded to my call to arms, and for that I am very much grateful. Disagree with him? Want to lick his inner thigh? Comment below!

• What is with starting the show with the solemn faces as the contestants stand in a straight line? Its soooo…. overtly fake. It’s like baaaad amateur theatre!

• Chanel’s voice was actually not too bad last night. I don’t get the Chanel bashing!! - After watching the recaps - I just have to say - how great are Chanel and Casey! Woo!

• Haha. Rikki Lee looked like a chipmunk last night! No… no really she did! A little red-lipsticked chipmunk!

• Just after the recaps my mum walked in and said “Has that shit one left yet… that… the one who wouldn’t know talent if it hit her over the head… you know… the girl who can’t sing… shit… whats her name… Chanel?”

• My mother isnt allowed in my room anymore. Never again.

• She then watched the judges lip service of Hayley and went “Yeah… wasn’t she good!”. It’s sad to come from a family who are so easily amused by corny dance moves and a shiny red dress!

• God… that video package of Mark just shows how daft he is!!

• I’m quite uninspired by the group songs this time. They suck compared to last years. Too many different/diverse voices. That and the fact that, once again, its like nursing home hour at my local amateur theatre… “Make it as expressive as possible darls, the old lovies are bit hard of hearing so you must be as over the top as possible!”

• Don’t talk to the audience. Don’t. It’s bound to fail… eventually. Or straight away. Unscripted moments… oh dear. And Andrew and James really aren’t trained to deal with audience. Or live television. Or hosting. Or television. Or anything where we have to see or hear them.

• I just had a thought. Does anyone else think that some of the contestant’s performances are taking on a few too many Young Talent Time elements? Not that I was around to watch YTT, but… well… some of these guys performances are quite with the kitsch and camp.

• Jess did you see the Chanel / Daniel Inside Idol snippet? Haha.. those cheeky silly monkeys! Forgive me for ever doubting your wisdom Jess! (worships ground Jess walks on)

• Mantra: “Don’t let Chanel go, don’t let Chanel go, don’t let Chanel go, don’t let Chanel go” …. (after ad break) THANK GOD! I knew Chanel fans wouldn’t fail her!!

• Casey is in the bottom three… being compared with the likes of Marty. My world is being rocked!!

• Hayley is safe. And somewhere in the word a hundred angels lose their wings.

• They do this every week. EVERY WEEK! How come James and Andrew still manage to stumble over their words when doing the results bit? It doesn’t frickin change!

• Casey is saved. Marty and Emelia are the bottom two… hrmmm. Let it be Marty… please!!! Emelia is at least entertaining to watch. Watching Marty is like watching paint dry!

• Did Andrew G give Dicko an evil? Or did I imagine it? Maybe he just had wind.

• Oh blooming heck! We get this close to getting rid of Marty each week, yet he’s still here. WHOEVER YOU ARE.. STOP VOTING FOR HIM! Please! Marty… is… the epitome… of… shite!

• Hmmm. That send off performance of Emelia’s was… well… quite flat! But I can admire her for embracing all her flaws and having a pretty damn good go at the competition! Even if I think she went downhill from the semi’s!

Well… that left me… empty. Why exactly are Hayley and Marty still there? Who votes for these people!? (glares)

And on a more important note: Dicko is the marketing manager of BMG right? Yet has anyone else noticed how he consistently incorrectly guesses what the public wants!? How the hell does he do his job properly? How can someone in marketing, especially music marketing, have so little idea about what the public want and desire!? He should be embarrassed!

Sunday Night Performance Wrap By Gadge

The adorable Gadge has come forth with Idol opinions galore, but bless him to bits - he posted it in the comments rather than emailing it to me! I really should specify stuff, I suppose. Either way, he’s one crazy sexy cool mofo and that’s the way THIS girl likes it. Uh-huh, uh-huh. For those of you naughty enough to miss his insight in the comments, allow me to repost in all it’s glory!

Once Chanel was safe, I knew exactly who the final three would be and who would go, as it was only my love/fear for my still-favourite singer that challenged what few soothsaying abilities I have.

Much like Dan O’Connor singing ‘Creed’, looking like Pauline Hanson and thus disgusting most of Australia spelled the end for Emelia, and really, it was her time to go. Of the other perennial bottom three-ers, Hayley was particularly good on Sunday and Marty finally stopped being a complete and utter crapfest, so with a less-than-special performance, it was Emelia’s time to go. I actually thought she went with a great deal of dignity, and no matter what my good friend says of her school behaviour, or even her egregious lying about her singing experience, I still hold a fondness for Emelia. Especially because she ‘Please Explain!’-ed it after the comments about her hair - which were, of course, completely justified, and I don’t think a household in Australia didn’t go, “Oh my god it’s Pauline Hanson!” before Dicko pointed it out.

When Chanel was safe, I expected Casey in the bottom three because she was surprisingly getting drowned out by the synths on Sunday. She’s been a powerhouse in the past, but the last two weeks have muted her performances’ however, she’s shown great taste when given complete leeway over her performances before, so I expect another strong shot from her next week.

Marcia is an irrelevant cow nowadays, as the only performer she ever criticises is Chanel. My love is not wavering for Bega’s Best Import, and while Dicko’s comment about a pissed-up secretary had its merits (being a fantastic call, for one), I still have enjoyed all of Chanel’s performances simply because no matter what else, she really puts on a show. She growls and shimmies, bops and emotes and just tries to put everything she has into each song, and it makes me completely not understand why people think she’s particularly affected, because to me she seems amazingly genuine. Perhaps I am blinded by love, but I completely get Chanel, and really want her to be in the top two.

And I want Ricki-Lee to join her in the top two. Because she’s an adorable spaz who also has great showmanship, and she’s just having a complete ball onstage while still bringing a consistently impressive vocal ability to the songs she sings. Of the men left in the competition, Anthony is cute and talented but completely asexual (which is probably part of his appeal - how many prepubescent girls have had odd feelings about their Ken dolls?), Courtney is big-brotherly but increasingly bland, Daniel is powerful but pinched, and Marty is two weeks away from being evicted for his not-so-rock performances. I like the guys, but I want the women to take it to the end, and with Chanel and Ricki-Lee I think we might have a chance of that happening.

Scarily enough, I have many, many more words I could say about Australian Idol, but I’ll leave it where it stands. Rock on, Jess…

And rock on to you, Gadge my darling, rock on to you!

September 27, 2004

“Sock It To Me!” With Special Guest Columnist Crystal

I’m really over Idol, I’m telling you. Apparently, next weeks theme is ‘Personal Choice’. What? Every single week so far has been ‘Sing Whatever The Hell You Like Week’! They really need to get more specific. And seeing as I’m so bored not only with the themes, but with the show, I will only watch if the following theme weeks are installed for the remainder of the competition:

• 80s Power Ballad Night
  
• Songs by your favourite Solo Spice Girl
  
• Songs from Definitely Maybe
  
• Britney Songs beginning with your first initial
  
• Songs from ‘Buffy - Once More With Feeling’
  
• Rock DJ personal interpretation evening
  

Anyway, here is what I thought about ‘Disco Night.

Even though I’m the biggest pop tart on the planet, I’m not really that big on disco, to tell you the truth. So this week’s theme didn’t really score a touchdown with me. But…performer by performer…

Casey - I still wonder whether she even bothered to remove her Britney posters before she stuck the Cobain ones over the top. Maybe I’m too fresh out of high school, but I find her so lame. Last night she was ok I guess…’Shake Your Groove Thing’ though? Hmm. Passable, just.

Courtney - I really think I’ve rode the Courtney love train to it’s final stop. ‘Not conceited’, Marcia? I personally find Courtney to be so far up himself it’s not funny. This is only something I’ve realised in the past two weeks though. Still like his voice, but he is SO BORING.

Chanel - I really felt uncomfortable even watching the judges comments on her last night. They were way too harsh. Fucking Marcia…Mark and Dicko should have smacked her numerous times last night, and this was only one of them. Seriously, what is Marcia’s problem with Chanel? I don’t even LIKE Chanel that much and I thought Marcia was way out of line. Chanel’s dress was ugly though.

Ricki-Lee - Yay! The one contestant I actually love. She’s the winner, I’m telling you right now. That said…she should have romped Disco Night home…it was a bad choice of song. She was still awesome though, even with a song that didn’t really show how good she could have been.

Daniel - I thought he was rather good, really, despite the judges comments. This was the closest he’s come to reliving his Rock DJ glory days. I’m still not going to forgive him if he doesn’t rap again though…

Hayley - Oh my God, I was almost hiding behind the cushion. The judges LIKED that? I thought it was pretty embarrassing, really. Hayley always reminds me of an elephant…though I can’t really say why. I don’t mean it in a bad way. You know, because there’s a good way to be compared to an elephant… Anyway…hmm, I just thought her performance was really contrived, and unnatural.

Anthony - Aw, I love tiny little Anthony, I really do. The past two weeks it’s been jacket, then glasses, into the crowd. Has to be a hat next week, surely? Though, I’d give much higher bonus points for a shoe.

Marty - To quote Marcia (gag), I ain’t got nothing to say. I. Just. Hate. Him.

Emelia - I totally missed the performance, but I saw the judges Hanson comments. Yes, I’d agree. That hair was really incorrect. I think she’ll be leaving.

Bottom three - Chanel, Emelia, Marty
Leaving - I WISH Marty, I really do. But probably Emelia.

Hurrah! Thank you Crystal, that was indeed excellent. We can only hope and pray that the judges take your theme suggestions on board! If you would like to indulge in more of Crystal’s delightful madness, I cannot help but urge you to support the impending movie by visiting the Sky’s Magical Mystery Tour official site!

Judges, Ye Trouble Me…

I’m tremendously excited to tell you that Crystal from Gallagher Factor Sky’s Magical Mystery Tour will be doing a guest Idol wrap for us shortly - hurrah! If anyone else would like volunteer their services over the next few weeks (Adam, I’m specifically looking at you since I inadvertently forgot to post your delightful Daniel Belle\Angelina Jolie pics!) it’d be much appreciated. Gadge and Wilko are also rather marvellous at providing alternate opinions in our comments sections, so if you lads want to step up to the plate as well over the next few weeks, I’d love you forever and ever.

Right - here are my quick comments regarding last night.

Judges, I feel obliged to point out the dribbling pile of human shite you’ve turned into! Dicko is trying to be nasty for the sake of it half the time (whereas in the old days he was at least remotely constructive), Marcia is straddling the fence so fiercely she nearly requires lubricant, and Mark - well, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again - Mark Holden is rapidly becoming a parody of Mark Holden. His pathetic and blatant grabs for attention and sound bites are just sad now. I’m sorry, but rubbish like “It didn’t gumuzzle my fuzzle. No seriously. My pingawoody ain’t moo moo like a dirt daddy should. No, really! This is a problem! You waa-naa-nee effervescently, but lichen on the rocks, man. Lichen on the rocks.” doesn’t constitute anything other than verbal diarrhoea.

Add to this their newfound tendency to fawn over irritating\over-the-top\flagrantly shithouse performers while heaping dung over those with an iota of real talent, and the entire thing is completely cringe worthy. At one point last night, I quite literally had my hands over my eyes. For the life of me, I cannot work out why they launched such a vicious attack on Chanel. Yes, I believe that her initial hype has affected her in a way - it’s a lot of pressure being the the out and out favourite after just the initial audition and it’s obvious to me that Chanel is trying hard - perhaps too hard - to try and please everyone. That said, her performance last night WAS good! Certainly, it was better than many of the performances that had the judges drooling. Dicko wasn’t constructive at all (the “drunk secretary” comment was just nasty), Mark was minimally so, and Marcia - well, I’ve got to ask. What the HELL is with her strict school marm behaviour?! Has Gretel Killeen been giving her tips? I couldn’t work out if she was supporting Chanel or slamming her. Note to Ms Hines: Despite what you might think, grimacing and scowling while muttering “I have nothing to say to you” may not be the gesture of comfort you intend it to be.

There are many more things I could talk about - Anthony Calea’s warble-fest (could he have oversung “Car Wash” anymore?), Emelia’s Courtney-Act-Doing-Pauline-Hanson look (I felt terrible for her, and at the same time couldn’t help but notice she really DID look like Courtney-Act-Doing-Pauline-Hanson) and Hayley’s rather excellent rebirth (complete with a Chanel-esque silhouette opening - rip off? You decide…) but I’m gonna let Crystal talk about all that stuff. Feel free to add anything either of us missed below!

PS: How uncomfortable and constipated did Andrew G look! And was that a beer belly or simply an unflattering shirt?

September 23, 2004

Just To Recap…

Amali is gone… gone for good, and Marty - the sexy beast above - has stayed. Well, that seems fair, doesn’t it? After all, look at that pose! The way he’s pushing out his non-existant boobies like a deranged Playboy model, oh lord, it’s such a turn on…

September 20, 2004

Take My Blog… Please!

Well, not really. I’ve grown quite an affection for little old ausculture.com. But what I would love, nay - what I crave - is for someone to take over last night’s recap for me. Who wants to, eh? EH?

Sniffle.

I want to assess each and every Idol contestant, really I do - I just don’t know if I’ll have the time to do it properly until mid-week, and by then my thoughts are irrelevant!

In short…

• If that’s Chanel’s worst, then she really is quite excellent. That said, I’m slightly tiring of demure, girlish, coy Chanel and longing for cheeky vixen Chanel. We love you, Chazza! Your people want to see you kick arse!

• Mark Holden is infinitely more helpful to the contestants when he’s in the recording studio. He actually gives feedback rather than nonsensical ramblings. Sorry Mark, but “Sock it to me, sock it to me, sock it to me!” is far more than three words. Even at best, it’s four words repeated.

• As much as I detest Marty, I suppose he sang “Satisfaction” half-decently in a still-very-cheesy way. He totally Millsyfies every song he does - he’s even adopted Millsy’s tendency to turn his head to the side during a song and give a blow job to some imaginary boyfriend. It did strike me as rather shit for Marty’s sake that Mark Holden salivated over his performance in the studio and yet as soon as Dicko criticised the song choice, Mark suddenly had a huge amount of negative feedback.

• Ricki-Lee, please do NOT jam forks in the toaster. If it doesn’t kill you, it wreaks havoc with your hair.

• Courtney is not too fat to be a success, and I don’t think Dicko was telling him otherwise. What Dicko was saying, in my opinion, is that Courtney needs to be prepared that from a marketing\media perspective, he will be first judged by his weight, then his talent. People will often be distracted by the appearance and not give the talent the credit that is due. It’s not fair, but that’s the world we live in. If he’s happy with that, if he genuinely doesn’t mind being known as “the fat bloke who sings well” off Australian Idol, then more power to him. But Courtney has struck me as someone who isn’t comfortable with his weight, so if he can use the resources of Idol to get himself feeling tops, then I say go for it.

• Amali is so adorable and sweet, bless. Less tit this week, so she may end up back in the bottom three. I suspect Daniel Belle may be joining her. If pressed for a third choice, I’d say Hayley Jensen.

Rightio, that’s all I have in me. I’m sorry, dears! Please, anyone who wants to submit their own recap should feel free to post it in the comments below.