Category: election2004
October 6, 2004
What’s that Greens?
As previously indicated I go to great efforts to ensure that I’m a well informed member of the voting public. For that purpose, or for a chuckle, I decided to have a look at the Greens Policy Snapshot book (available from the ‘Policies’ section of the greens website).
[Sure a vote for The Greens amounts to nothing (except a vote for Labor?) but at least their workers don’t suggest burning Lesbians at the stake like a worker from some other party has.]
Anyway, here’s a rundown of my (innacurate) interpretation and commentary on the Greens’ policy snapshot:
They support some nonsense about restricting water usage which would no doubt stop me from having five twenty-minute showers each day… that’s stupid;
The Greens don’t want us to export woodchips and want landclearing to stop. This is stupid — The Australian economy relies heavily on woodchipping and farming. If we don’t clear land and sell wood chips we won’t have as much funding available for the military;
They want to abolish HECS. This is stupid — people who don’t want to pay for university should do something useful like join the army;
They oppose pre-emptive strikes. This is stupid — what will all the new army recruits do with their time? training only stays interesting for so long;
They oppose nuclear power and want to end uranium mining in Australia. This is stupid — how will we produce superhuman mutant soldiers to send on pre-emptive strikes without nuclear waste?
They want to open Australia’s borders to pretty much everyone. This is ok, provided they all join the army;
They want to increase funding to the ABC and SBS. This is ok, provided they do something useful with the money like covering the war and not useless things like netball and soccer.
So, there you go, there are some good points and some bad points. Still, with the Natural Law party gone I think The Greens might just be the next best thing.
Posted by Patrick at 3:17 AM Link | Comments (2) | TrackBack (0)October 1, 2004
Third Single Release - Could It Be?
Indeed it could!
I’m currently packing to go away on holidays, and I thought “Why not record my quick ditty about our dear old PM before I go, just so the folks who read ausculture.com don’t miss me too much?” I don’t really think that you’ll miss me, but when I conduct conversations with myself in my head, I tend to have delusions of grandeur.
Ahem - I’m rambling. Right click and save if you feel like hearing John Howard Is A Cunt. Simple and to the point, really, though admittedly incredibly peurile. The aural equivelent of smearing poo on Tony Abbott’s campaign office? Teach it to your children!
John Howard Is A Cunt
We all know John Winston Howard
An arse kisser and a bit of a coward
Too scared to admit he was wrong
His lies about refugees go on
John Howard is a cunt
Cunt cunt, cah-nuh-nuh-nunt, cunt!
John Howard is a cunt
Cunt cunt, cah-nuh-nuh-nunt, cunt!
It don’t pay to be a native Australian
John just don’t get reconciliation
If you’re a refugee, tough - John ignores
Parts ‘bout you in international law
John Howard is a cunt
Cunt cunt, cah-nuh-nuh-nunt, cunt!
John Howard is a cunt
Cunt cunt, cah-nuh-nuh-nunt, cunt!
John Howard is a cunt!
Cunt! Cunt! Cunt! Cunt! Cunt! Cunt! Cunt!
Oh he’s a big cunt!
John Howard is a cunt!
September 30, 2004
Forget Neil The Dwarf!
Turns out cab drivers are the authority on politics!
This morning’s cabbie and I bonded over traffic and listening to Mike Carlton’s callers discussing Labor’s Medicare Gold policy… that is, we bonded until we realised we were on two completely opposing sides, and then it turned into 2004’s Unofficial Great Debate.
I love debating with baby boomers. Everything they say is absolutely true simply because they’re older than you. In fact, I kid you not, this cabbie pointed to his head and said “You know why I’m right and I know more than you? My hair is grey! GREY!”
Any arguments I put forward in defence of Labor’s election policy were quickly shot down with deadly precision thanks to indisputable one-liners such as “No, that’s not true…” and (again) “My hair is grey…” I simply adore being condescended to by someone completely devoid of any facts backing up their point of view.
Don’t get me wrong - frustrating a drive as it may have been, the cabbie was a likable old fellow even though he had no idea how patronising he actually was. Even when he agreed with me (on a rare one or two points) he still managed to inform me simultaneously that I was incorrect regardless because - can you guess why? - I am young and naive! Well, in fairness I probably am but it is my youthful exuberance and hippy sentimentality, not to mention my sailors vocabulary, that makes me so endearing.
I’ve got to hand it to him though, he did make me chuckle at his assessment of the two major political parties.
“Labor tell you what you want to hear, take you on a date and buy you a coffee only to slip in a Rohypnol, take you home and do whatever they want to you. The Liberals just stand there saying “Go on, sleep with me.”
PS: Great discussion over at Back Pages about Latham’s chances at winning the election post-Medicare Gold announcement. Check it out over here.
Posted by Jess at 4:26 PM Link | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)The Election Selection - Second Single?
Hmmm. When I announced that I’d be recording an album called The Election Selection, I thought I had plenty of time to write and record the album before October 9 - but bugger me, there’s only a week and a half before we go to the polls! And I’m going to be away for five days without a computer to record on! And I’ve only written three of the songs! Buggerfuck!
Anyways, I figure by tomorrow night I can at least attempt to finish one of the singles and put it online for your listening displeasure, so allow me to ask all you wonderful people who left kind messages after hearing Latham’s Lament - and those of you who thought it was a pile of shit - which single would you prefer I put up next? Below are the titles of the two songs ready to rock’n’roll and a brief excerpt from the lyrics. Beware - it could be rubbish!
The Ballad Of Bob Brown
Bob was born in Oberon in 1944
Became a doctor, moved to Tassie, and joined the greenie cause
No closet could contain Bob Brown, he was cool with being gay
Campaigned against the Franklin Dam, and Bob Brown saved the day
Ain’t Nobody Seen (No Children Overboard)
Ain’t nobody seen no children overboard
Ain’t nobody see-ee-eeen no children overboard
So I would just ignore
Everything you’ve ever heard from our PM
Yeah yeah yeah!
The first one is a slow… erm… ballad, and the second one is a more boppy nonsensical affair. Which would you like? Alternatively, you can choose to ignore the entire election album debacle and continue defending the honour of Craig “Spackerface” Nicholls in that ancient article’s comments.
PS: Vines fans - I am loving the death threats. More, please! They’re hilarious!
Posted by Jess at 12:37 AM Link | Comments (6) | TrackBack (0)September 29, 2004
Election Idol!
It had to happen. ausculture.com has been flitting about between Idol and Federal Election commentary for weeks now - it was only a matter of time before the two blurred into one nonsensical article. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome tonight’s representatives from various political parties and the Idol crew for a one off special!
——————————————————
Andrew G Hello Australia, and welcome to tonight’s episode of Election Idol.
James Mathison Soon we’ll be hearing from some of Australia’s favourite politicians chosen by you, the public. But before we meet our candidates would you please put your hands together for the Election Idol judges Mark Holden, Marcia Hines and Ian ‘Dicko’ Dickson!
Marcia Thank you so much.
Dicko Should be an interesting night tonight, guys.
Mark Fandango mahoy-doooooooo! Touchdown!
Andrew G Right… Anyway, our first performer tonight is an experienced politician. He’ll tour anywhere but Nauru, and he’s good friends with American Election 2000 Idol George W. Bush. Put your hands together for Prime Minister John Howard!
(*camera pans onto the solitary figure of John Howard onstage, a solitary spotlight focuses on his botoxed facial features*)
John Howard People of Australia, I have something to tell you before I begin. Mark Latham’s on his L-plates! I’ve guided you through the worst of times, and I want to continue leading the public through the worst of times - until I retire, in which case Abbott & Costello can duke it out for my Election Idol crown. Sure, I haven’t really provided you all with any hope for a better nation, but I can tell you what I *don’t* want for Australia!
(*sings*)
I don’t want no refugees
Struggling Australians? Not for me!
I just wanna maintain the squeeze!
Lick Dubya’s rectal cavity!
No, I don’t want no Medicare
I don’t wanna pluck my eyebrow hair!
I don’t want a education system that’s fair!
I want to appeal to the bourgeois Christian Anglo-Saxon married heterosexual pairs!
James Mathison Thank you, Prime Minister Howard. Judges, what did you think of John’s performance tonight?
Marcia You tried your best, sweetheart. Be true to yourself. I have nothing to say to you.
John Howard Thanks Marcia. For a foreign person of colour, you’re alright. Must be the American in you.
Mark Ummmm…… man, man oh man…… It’s like, whoa…… Okay, I feel it in my bones that you want this, man but dude, buddy…… it’s like…… whoa……. If it niggled my piggle a bit more, we’d be rockin’ the casbah to the gooney goo goo factor, but the fact is Simba is the Lion King, man. Simba is the Lion King! But yeah, Troppo Mondo Relaxo, buddy. Maybe next time.
John Howard Yes.
Dicko How long have you been doing this for, mate?
John Howard I’ve been performing as Prime Minister for about eight years.
Dicko The thing is mate, I just don’t know how I can market you. I mean, your voice - it’s terrible. If you were good looking enough, maybe I could overlook it but you just don’t appeal to the punters we’d be trying to get. It’s all about the three G’s - Gays, Girls and Graduates. They just don’t trust you, mate.
John Howard But what about those who are scared of Aboriginals? Those who are petrified of gay marriage ruining their God given exclusive right to divorce or cheat on their wives and husbands? Those who are frightened of rising interest rates? Those who are disturbed by those horrible yellow and brown people hopping on a boat, turning up uninvited and taking our valuable jobs and benefits from legitimate illegal immigrants, like British backpackers? And what about the people I have attempted to buy off with my $5 billion dollars worth of election promises, which may or may not turn out to be non-core?
Dicko That’s the thing, mate. You might scare or bribe them into NOT voting for someone else, but you’re just not likable as a person. Even easy going musicians don’t like you. There’s every chance you’ll be snubbed at the 2005 ARIA Awards, just like Guy and Shannon! You’ve insulted leading economists, you’ve offended human rights campaigners - at this rate, you’ll be lucky enough to have a market at all by the time the Election Idol final comes around!
John Howard But… but I’m not here for all of the Australian public, Dicko. My friend George calls me a “Man Of Steel”, not a “Man Of The People”. As far as I’m concerned, if you can’t afford private health care, if you can’t afford a private school, if you’re not in a marginal electorate - I really don’t have much to say to you at all. Unless you’re not smart or rich enough to do one of my $100,000 university degrees, in which case I’m happy to have you trained in various technical trades. We Kirribilli folk always need hired help from time to time.
Dicko Fair enough, mate - I’m just saying that you’re really very hard to sell.
John Howard Thankfully not to money hungry conservatives who have had all traces of a conscience removed!
Dicko You may have a point. Meanwhile, let’s get the Maybelline styling team working on your eyebrows, eh?
Andrew G Wow, well - certainly some fireworks there between Dicko and John Howard!
James You’re not wrong. Any of the judges have anything to add?
Mark Holden Balooga, my rag time gal. Balooga and cheese sticks. I think I’ve soiled myself.
Andrew G Excellent. Stay tuned Australia, because after a short break, we’re going to have Natasha Stott-Despoja representing the Democrats. Natasha is stepping up to the plate after Andrew Bartlett did a Millsy on Good Morning Australia and forgot to turn up due to hangover…
POINTLESS ELECTION IDOL COVERAGE WILL CONTINUE ON AUSCULTURE.COM SHORTLY!
Posted by Jess at 6:17 PM Link | Comments (5) | TrackBack (0)September 27, 2004
Tony Abbott’s Stinky Windows
Tony Abbott’s campaign office has been vandalised. It appears poor old Tony’s campaign workers had to clean human excretement off the windows after a passer by couldn’t resist leaving a special message for Tony. Some days, I really feel sure there’s a God.
Hmmm. Perhaps, Tony, people feel the need to wipe shit all over your office because they’re frustrated enough to resort to peurile but more than likely incredibly satisfying behaviour. They may not be confident that a significant enough portion of the Australian community will have the intelligence and\or decency to vote for the least evil politician in their electorate on October 9 and instead will throw their support behind a bunch of white collar wankers who rely on scaremongering to frighten swinging voters into supporting them and pander to the most selfish and least compassionate traits of the public. Perhaps.
Awww do you get disappointed, Tony? Eh? Would you like a tissue, you big bloody girl? Perhaps after your done drying your tears, you could use it to do a final wipedown of your slightly whiffy windows!
Posted by Jess at 5:11 PM Link | Comments (5) | TrackBack (0)Do You Know Who This Man Is?
If you thought he might perhaps be the star of Dutch dwarf porn, you’d be wrong. Very wrong. Allow me to help you work it out. He is Noel Lester and besides being a show worker in Melbourne, he is this country’s most respected political commentator after a brilliant appearance on ABC’s Insider program. Goodbye, Laurie Oakes and friends! It’s been fun!
At least, you know, John Howard says we’re doing this, we’re going to make sure they can’t get bombs on planes, we’re going to do this, we’re going to send people over to try and bust up all the terrorists. Mark Latham - if I had to compare him to a ride I’d have to compare him to the mega drop, because it’s new, it’s fast and it’s all over in three seconds. John Howard would have to be like a ferris wheel. OK, it’s slow, it’s old but it’s there all the time, you know what to expect, you know what you’re getting for your money and you’re having a good time.
What insight!
In all seriousness, I don’t wish to appear elitist or insinuate that pro-Liberal blue collar voters aren’t entitled to their opinions despite how incredibly wrong they are. No, what I mock is the fact that the Liberal Party very excitedly sent out a special email to subscribers of their Liberal newsletter encouraging one and all to read the transcript of the show, as though Noel’s words were the most profound and impressive confirmation of their superiority over the Labor Party ever.
This ought to help distract the public from the fact that John Howard is untrustworthy, despite the assurances of Mrs Liar.
Posted by Jess at 2:53 PM Link | Comments (5) | TrackBack (0)September 24, 2004
The Election Chaser - Excellent
As reported in Counter Spin, last night’s Election Chaser was excellent. The highlight of the show for me - other than the Peter Garret sketch - was Chas Licciardello’s stooge phone calls to talk back radio jocks.
John Laws cottoned on rather quickly, and told Chas (or “Tony” as he called himself) where to go. Alan Jones, however, sat back and let Chas recite almost the entire Liberal press release without interruption and followed on by reading (as the Chaser team pointed out) his OWN Liberal press release!
If you hate Alan Jones, revel in him sounding like a twat.
Posted by Jess at 5:39 PM Link | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)So, Who Can Tell Me Bout This Janet Albrechtsen Character?
Is she The Australian’s equivalent of Piers Akerman? Andrew Bolt? I’m a bit disappointed I’d never read (or noticed I was reading) anything by her before, especially when she’s so delightfully conservative and proud of it.
I liked this article about Mark Latham’s schools policy.
I might have grabbed the wrong end of the stick and made an inappropriate gesture with it, but Mark hasn’t promised to slash funding to all private schools, has he? Just the few who are disgustingly wealthy? I went to the local Catholic private girls school and the whole place was adorably middle-class, in general. I didn’t see my school’s name on the hit list, nor most of the other local private schools. I did see some of the more obscenely cashed up private institutions on there though, and quite rightly.
Anyway, I’ve decided I adore Janet Albrechtsen. I adore her blatant conservative tendencies (is she the Anti-Margo?). I adore her attempts to blame Media Watch after they pointed out her misrepresentation of quotes. Mostly though, I adore how she looks like a poor man’s Ellen Barkin.
Posted by Jess at 1:47 AM Link | Comments (7) | TrackBack (0)September 21, 2004
Election memories
Once upon a time I voted in the federal election for something called the “Natural Law Party.”
Why? Yogic Flyers. Anyone remember that? A political party whose campaign, as far as I know, centred around having a bunch of levitating dudes doing some…levitating. Fantastic stuff.
I found some of their advertising material over at lachlan.bluehaze.com.au.
Posted by Patrick at 3:22 PM Link | Comments (19) | TrackBack (0)September 20, 2004
Oh, Mr Howard Should Be So Proud | Election 2004
The marvellous Darp Hau has been fighting the good fight over in the seat of Bennelong, where he’s been helping out with the Andrew Wilkie campaign, working in the offices, distributing posters etc. He’s been on-hand to witness quite a few incidents involving our beloved PM and his crew of misfits supporters, so it’s definitely worth checking out Darp’s blog over this election period for interesting stories.
The following tale is not so much interesting as it is revolting, disturbing, worrying, upsetting and disgusting. How proud the conservatives must be of their young followers. How truly Christian and righteous of hem to display such compassion for others. Here’s an excerpt, but go read the rest over here.
After the regulatory Salaam Aleykum’s the very shaken mother of one of the families told me what happened the night before.
She was awoken around midnight to the sound of rocks and other objects being pelted at her window. Loud incoherent abuse resonated around the property. She glanced briefly out the window and saw a group of five or six young men ripping the Wilkie posters out of the ground and causing a ruckus.
She moved all her kids (a very timid autistic daughter amongst them) into the back part of the house and switched off all the lights. The abuse continued for ten minutes before the mob moved on.
The story gets worse people.
Just as she was finishing up her account of the evening I hear “FUCK THE REFUGEES” and a 22-25 year-old bloke on a mountain bike rides by and rips down the Wilkie poster I was about to bolt in…
You can read the rest of the account on Darp’s site. Please do.
Thank you, right wing youths. I’m now even more certain that the Liberal Party just isn’t for me. Hopefully, if this story begins to circulate (and please, ausculture.com readers - tell your friends, tell your workmates, tell your parents, hell - even tell the doctor performing your prostrate exam\pap smear!) the Australian public will react appropriately on October 9th.
Posted by Jess at 10:11 AM Link | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)September 9, 2004
John & Meg - Botox Buddies?
Later… Erm, just got my crikey.com.au newsletter. Includes the following…
Since The Sydney Morning Herald were kind enough to push our John Howard Extreme Makeover theories, we must return the favour with a bit of cross promotion. Have a dekko at this picture from their Campaign Candid Camera feature.
Botox, botox!
The way I view my mail online from work means I only get plain text and can’t see any picture, but I can only assume they’re talking about the above snap shot since I nicked it from the Herald’s Campaign Candid Camera myself. I’m certainly not claiming crikey.com.au ripped me off since John has clearly had some work done - it’s not like I revealed anything revolutionary in my daft post. In fact, during my lunch time internet travels, I discovered ausculture.com chum Dave from Completely Biased also made fun of the very same picture last week!
I just wanted you all to know that I didn’t pinch the idea from crikey.com.au. I detest rip offs - in fact, it’s surprising I’m able to sleep at night as is considering the amount of stuff Patrick and I blatantly plagiarise from more intelligent, wittier websites.
Posted by Jess at 12:21 PM Link | TrackBack (0)My Sentiments Exactly | Election 2004
Margo Kingston’s Web Diary column yesterday featured a brilliant letter from disaffected Liberal voter Sue Bradford. I know I tend to take the piss a fair bit when discussing politics, but if I ever put on my Serious Face and managed to aptly put into words my disillusion with the current Government, it’d be something like Sue’s letter. Here’s an excerpt -
• His destruction of the Republic debate with the support of a dishonest campaign and his refusal to allow the one obvious question to be put - that being ‘Would the people of Australia prefer to have an Australian Head of State’? Having wrecked that debate Mr Howard has cornered the real role of our supposed Head of State and has attended functions and events to which he has no right.
• The mean-spirited response to the ‘Stolen Generation’ and Mr Howard’s refusal to say ‘Sorry’. We will never move on with the Aboriginal people of Australia until the severe wrongs of the not-too-distant past are properly acknowledged and atoned for. To authorise the spending of millions on barristers to fight a few sad and damaged people over some compensation for the evils done to them is something with which you should be ashamed to be involved.
• It has been obvious to me since the last election that Mr Howard lied over the Children Overboard affair, and now, with the evidence mounting, the case seems clear. We are not bored with this issue and I will not tolerate a leader who uses the misfortunes of others for his own political gain. Arguments that the issue wasn’t clear are no excuse - the information was grabbed with glee and used and abused at every opportunity. Mr Scrafton has given his account clearly and has nothing to gain by doing so. Mr Howard has run for the cover of an election. One of them is lying and I know who I believe.
• The treatment of asylum seekers has made me weep real tears. How can we indulge in the disgusting and wickedly expensive Pacific solution? The numbers are so tiny and the people who make it to Australia are probably the very ones with guts and determination that we need. Children damaged beyond repair and adults in terminal despair is not something we can be proud of.
• Following George Bush into war with Iraq was a mistake for which we will pay and pay. If we are more at risk of terrorist attacks than we used to be, I sheet that firmly home to our blind involvement in the illegal Iraq war, and in our dubious alliance with George Bush. We were lied to regarding the reasons for this war and now that the original reasons have been shown to be palpably false, we were expected to accept that the reasons didn’t really matter anyway.
• I resent our armed forces being used for the PM’s photo opportunities - even in this he usurps the Governor General’s role at every turn.
• The shutting down of the Parliament of Australia during the visit of George Bush was a scandal. And this must never happen again - and you back benchers must never allow it again. Anyone who is prepared to send young people off to fight their wars and do their dirty work should take their chances in the street like the rest of us. The Head of State Mr Howard purports to support, Her Majesty the Queen, would never in a million years have condoned such a nonsense. The man-handling of Senators Brown and Nettle was also a shameful episode, when they were after all doing what most of us would dearly like to have done - ask questions of a man who is leading us by the nose. That our House was closed down for what was officially not even a State visit, and our police, security services and press were all forced to be subservient to a foreign power is totally unforgivable - and for what?
• Mr Howard’s refusal to accept that East Timor would be a blood bath after Independence voting until it was hideously apparent that he had hidden his head in the sand for to long. To then finally turn around and send in the troops when there was no other choice and claim the credit for doing a good job was nauseating.
• It is duplicitous in the extreme to refuse to enact legislation ensuring that workers are paid their due entitlements when a company goes bust, yet the one company for which Mr Howard pledged support was that owned by his brother. And while we are talking about family, his son Tim’s involvement in sending spam emails to electors sounds doubly dodgy to me.
• The Government’s treatment of Tertiary Education - the starving of courses and colleges of funds so that any of us trying to send children on to maximise their talents face appalling bills - and Mr Howard and his mates got their education virtually free. The impending 2 tiers of HECS and full fee paying students will be divisive in the extreme.
• The denigration of the ABC and the attempts to staff the board with Liberal Party cronies makes my blood boil. We need a free and fearless public broadcaster and if the government doesn’t like what it hears - well so be it. I do not find the ABC to be biased - I value broadcasters of the calibre of Kerry O’ Brian, Terry Lane and Chris Masters, and programmes such as Four Corners and Background Briefing and we would be poorer and more vulnerable with out them. An Australia wholly dependant on the commercial networks doesn’t bear thinking about.
• The attempts to pander to Kerry Packer and Rupert Murdoch regarding cross media ownership are sincerely scary, for without a free media we will be completely blind to anything those grotesquely powerful people do not wish us to observe. We must ensure a free and fearless press or we are sunk.
Please, go read her letter. It really is excellent.
Posted by Jess at 11:24 AM Link | Comments (4) | TrackBack (0)September 8, 2004
Top Ten Reasons To Vote For John Howard | Election 2004
Let it not be said ausculture.com is biased. Pot-smoking lesbian communists yes, but biased? Never! Therefore we have decided to provide those amongst us leaning to the right some reasons to vote for John Howard. It’s only fair, right? Hey, where are you all going? Come back!
Top Ten Reasons To Vote For John Howard
1 - John is compassionate. While many foolish individuals have questioned his ethics regarding asylum seekers, there’s another side to J-Ho that the folks at home don’t often see. The PM, once he’s managed to ditch the pesky press, has been known to extend warm greetings to foreign visitors, giving them personally guided tours around Canberra and ensuring they see only the positive, wonderful and downright cuddly aspects of this magical country. Sure, it helps if you’re the President of the United States but hey - if those stinking Woomera freeloaders put in some elbow work, there’s absolutely no reason why they too couldn’t rise to the top of American politics and warrant a PM-guided tour of the capital! Provided they have a well placed brother in Florida, natch.
2 - John is sexy. Bush may have the erotic sounded surname, and Blair might have been fathering kiddies into his forties, but only one of the Coalition of the Willing can truly be considered the ultimate thinking woman’s crumpet. Who? John Howard, of course! Those come-hither eye brows, a mouth born to lie gently lap at a conservative gal’s ear lobes, and a body that was meant for sin. Don’t think he wears that delicious Vodafone track-pant combo because he loves he way the parachute pants rub against his stumpy-but-sturdy legs. Oh no, John is well aware at how the ladies quiver when he lumbers raunchily past them on the streets of Kirribilli. After all, as John likes to say - “There’s nothing the Liberal ladies of Kirribilli love more than a man in uniform… except perhaps four-wheel drives and anti-depressants.”
3 - If John Howard wasn’t re-elected, the filthy drug taking hippy musicians of Australia wouldn’t have something to whinge about! Goodbye, John Butler Trio! Fare thee well, Powderfinger! Pull your pants up and get off the lawns of The Lodge, Frenzal Rhomb! And then what would we be left with in the charts? Slinkee Minx and Cosima, that’s who!
4 - John cares enough to keep in touch. People blubbed like babies when he arranged for his son’s software company to “spam” 157,000 Australians a few weeks ago with tender tidings from the Liberal Party camp. What people didn’t know was that John followed up on his initial email, sending the 157,000 lucky netizens two blonde jokes, six amusing cartoons relating to sex, the Blue Bear of Happiness, and a confidential plan to invest in a lucrative Nigerian business deal. I don’t see Mark Latham bothering to begin an email friendship with his peeps!
5 - There was an actor called John Howard on the hit show Sea Change. ABC were responsible for the show, and as we all know, the ABC is run by a pack of cowardly Marxists who suffer from impotence. Clearly, the people of Australia, by making Sea Change a top rating show, were sending a message to the scum at ABC - we love John Howard PM so much, we’ll even watch a silly television show about Sigrid Thornton trying to find a root in a small town because there’s an actor called John Howard in the cast! So if ABC watchers can admit their adoration for Mr Howard, there’s no reason why you can’t either.
6 - If Mark Latham gets the top job, you can kiss goodbye any chance of decent Australians, like Test Cricketers, winning coveted awards like Australian Of The Year. Instead, the foolish hothead will probably offload it to a doctor or teacher or philanthropist. Idiot.
7 - Which reminds us, did you know that John Howard is considered an honorary Australian Cricketer? Mostly he helps out in the locker room, washing the underwear and giving the protective “boxes” the ol’ spit and shine. But Mark Waugh once said “G’day champ!” to John Howard on the way to the showers. Or it might have been “Don’t touch me there…” Point being, there’s a pivotal relationship between the Prime Minister and the successful Australian cricketers, and putting Mark “Lard Arse Rugby League Player” Latham into the top job may just shake up international cricket beyond recognition.
8 - On the off-chance you don’t vote for John Howard, and Mark Latham and his bunch of miscreants takes over Parliament House, no taxi driver in his right mind would go within three kilometres of Lake Burley Griffin. Which’d be bad for decent Australian tourists, like the English or Americans, wouldn’t it?
9 - Once John wants to retire to Florida finishes out his fourth term as Prime Minister, he’ll hand the baton over to the delightful Peter Costello. Once Peter finishes wetting his pants in excitement and serving out his term, he’ll more than likely hand over the leadership role to Tony Abbott - moral guardian of the nation and all round sexpot. Good news!
10 - Seriously, have you checked John’s buffed physique in that Vodafone combo? PHWOAR!
Posted by Jess at 12:34 AM Link | TrackBack (1)September 4, 2004
Various Bits Of Political Chit-Chat | Election 2004
Before we kick off with election-related linkery, I’d like to say (quite sincerely, too) how sorry I am regarding the tragic end to the hostage situation in Russia. No one deserves to be involved in something like that. Not particularly insightful, am I - but I’m still rather shocked and sickened by the whole thing and I’ve been rendered slightly speechless. Darp Hau has written an excellent piece on it though, so go and check it out. Thank you.
Right - back to Election 2004! Beware - this’ll probably be a long post.
Alan Ramsey has written an interesting article on smh.com.au regarding whistle-blower Mike Scrafton’s appearance in front of a Senate committee. He points out (as many have before him) that Mike Scrafton has nothing to gain and everything to lose by standing up and telling the nation that the Prime Minister lied to the Australian people regarding the despicable “children overboard” affair. The hearing has been adjourned until after the election, but as Alan says -
Sadly, he’s probably not wrong. I’ve mentioned this story before on ausculture.com but nearly three years ago on a Tuesday afternoon, I hurriedly printed off a copy of the Federal Court’s verdict regarding the Tampa crisis before heading home from work. As I read over it later that night, I began to think to myself “Ha! This basically says that John Howard fucked up and fucked up big time! I cannot wait to read what the papers say about it tomorrow.” A few hours later, my mother woke me up exclaiming that “a plane has crashed into the World Trade Centre!” The Federal Court’s findings were buried under weeks and weeks of press regarding September 11, and John Howard managed to manipulate this tragedy and wave of paranoia regarding “terrorists” arriving by boat held by some sectors of the community all the way to another term in power. I suspect that if given half a chance, Howard and his cronies will be able to cover up the inevitably unflattering findings of this Senate committee on the Children Overboard affair too. Perhaps that’s just my lefty paranoia, but I simply don’t have any trust left in this current Government.
On with the show. The battle for the Liberal seat of Wentworth is getting increasingly entertaining. Peter King, the current Member for Wentworth, confirmed this morning that he would indeed be standing again for the seat, this time as an Independent. Howard & Co are suitably shocked that Peter King might be disenfranchised with the Liberal Party after they booted him in favour of mega-rich businessman Malcolm Turnbull.
Margo Kingston’s Web Diary reported on a rather intriguing shit-fight between web diarist Jonathon Nolan and the aforementioned Mr Turnbull. It would seem that Jonathon was approached by a campaigner for Malcolm on the weekend who informed him that a vote for Malcolm Turnbull would not be a vote for John Howard. Says Nolan -
Following Margo’s publication of his statement regarding his encounter with the Liberal candidate, Nolan received a phone call from an irate Malcolm Turnbull. Surly Mal then sent Nolan an email dismissing his version of events as “mischievous and dishonest”. Cue Jonathan Nolan’s empathy for poor old Mike Scrafton.
President Bush has praised Our Johnny for his “courage and wise counsel”. What wise counsel was that, I wonder? “Anything you say, George! Is that some fecal matter wedged in your rectum? Let me get that for you with my tongue…” Hopefully Bush’s kind words will cheer John up after a bugger of a day. He’s been copping tonnes of abuse from his local constituents.
“I do not accept the policy of killing the innocent to get at the guilty and that is a policy that you accepted and that is despicable.”
While many shoppers seemed thrilled at the surprise visitor who shook hands, sipped a cappuccino, bought a lotto ticket and forked out for local charities, abuse continued to dog the walk.
One middle-aged woman called the prime minister a “stinking piece of dog excrement” while an elderly man criticised him for not listening to all Australians.
“I suffer from deafness, prime minister,” the man said.
“Yours is a deafness of convenience.”
Two young men lunching in the Eastwood mall demanded Mr Howard explain why Australia had not ratified the Kyoto protocol on climate change.
I am seriously loving this election. Change is in the air!
Posted by Jess at 9:53 PM Link | TrackBack (0)September 3, 2004
Top Ten Reasons To Vote For Mark Latham | Election 2004
Reader ETdave has asked us a very interesting question - why should he vote for Mark Latham? The general consensus amongst those of us in society with an iota of intelligence and conscience is that John Howard is a stumpy, arselicking fucknuckle who has done more to damage the spirit of this country, not to mention our international reputation, than any person or thing in our history. Ever. So we all know reasons to not vote for Howard, but why should we specifically vote for Mark Latham?
ausculture.com have helpfully compiled a list of the Top Ten Reasons To Vote For Mark Latham. We hope our logical and in no way ridiculous approach to political commentary will inspire you all to vote correctly (ie: give Johnny “Rodent” Howard the boot).
ausculture.com’s Top Ten Reasons To Vote For Mark Latham
1 - He is not John Howard. Sure, this list is meant to give you reasons to vote for Mark other than the fact he’s not the current lying, heartless Prime Minister, but really - the fact he’s not John Howard IS a huge tick in the “Pro Latham” column. However, we’ll give you some more reasons too. Reluctantly.
2 - He listens to Meat Loaf. There is something oddly endearing about the idea of Mark pretending to be engrossed in discussing international affairs with foreign dignitaries while humming “Paradise By The Dashboard Lights” in his head.
3 - He uses rap slang that he doesn’t quite understand, bless. After calling a journalist a “skanky ho”, Mark explained to Sunday Sunrise’s Chris Bath & Glenn Milne that he directed the phrase at the female scribe since she was a bit of a “shyster” and had been accused of plagiarism. Glenn Milne was forced to patiently explain to Mark the actual meaning of ‘skanky ho’. “It’s actually a rap term. It means smelly whore.” You can read our initial delight at this incident here. Mark’s been on his best behaviour since leading the Labor party, but we can only hope he’ll resume using gangsta lingo in politics. It’d make Question Time infinitely more interesting.
4 - Mark would read to your children. Enid Blyton, Roald Dahl, Morris Gleitzman - you name it, Mark’ll snuggle up next to your sprog and recite it. Mark has also promised to read at least one Golden Book to every Australian under the age of three by May 2005, which saves you, the lazy parents of this beautiful nation, from having to do it! Hurrah! He’s also available for babysitting, but make sure you give him at last three days notice - he’s a busy man, you know.
5 - He isn’t afraid to get down and dirty with cabbies! I’ve got to admit, I’ve been tempted to break the arm of a particularly lecherous\thieving\dishonest\sociopathic taxi driver or two, but never had the courage. We can only hope that Mark’s example will encourage fellow Labor man Bob Carr to approach NSW’s public transport operators with the same fiery passion. I know of a few Sydney bus drivers who could use a bureaucratic boot in the backside.
6 - He believes in the ladder of opportunity. Because a ladder of opportunity is important, especially to those without a ladder of opportunity. Each rung on the ladder of opportunity is integral to the well being of those below the ladder of opportunity, and under a Labor government, Australian’s can expect more rungs on the ladder of opportunity. Which is good, see, cos it’s a ladder of opportunity. The Labor Ladder Of Opportunity sounds far more enticing than the current Liberal Milk Crate of Misery and Malfeasance.
7 - Mark’s hero is ex-PM Gough Whitlam, who is officially a National Living Treasure. Sydney band The Whitlams named themselves after Gough, and they are responsible for one of the world’s best songs - “You Sound Like Louis Burdett”. So vote for Mark.
8 - Mark used to be part of the Liverpool Rugby Club, and while appearing on Andrew Denton’s Enough Rope he managed to sing part of the club’s theme song -
“The Liverpool boys are coming;
Oh, the Liverpool boys are here…
With reinforced French letters
And a schooner of good beer…
We are the perverts of our nation;
Bigger… you’ll never see;
We are a pack of deadset bastards;
We are the Liverpool RFC!
Will we win? We’ll shit it in!”
9 - These right-wing conservative American fuckwits hate Mark Latham. Cos if there’s one thing conservative Americans know everything about, it’s
10 - Did we mention he’s not John Howard? Posted by Jess at 12:48 PM Link | Comments (11) | TrackBack (2)
September 2, 2004
Televised Debate | Election 2004
According to crikey.com.au, the televised debate between Mark Latham and John Howard looks set to occur on September 12th at Channel Nine’s Willoughby studio.
Hmmm. That is very close to where I currently live. I wonder if I can get a seat in the audience! At the very least, I can give Mark his ausculture.com get well card. Sniffle. No one from his office has replied to my loving email, but nevermind - I love Markypoo anyway.
Posted by Jess at 3:44 PM Link | TrackBack (0)Guide To Aussie Politics | Election 2004
I’d love to provide a guide to Australian politics for ausculture.com readers, I really would, but I’m not going to for several reasons. One - I’m very lazy, and it would probably take ages to write something decent. Secondly (and more importantly) - someone else has done a brilliant job of it already.
Ms Fits, web mistress of Reasons To Hate Me, has written a hilarious “Politics for Beginners” post. You must read it. You must read it now. After I checked it out, I sat at my desk snickering to myself and attempting to stifle guffaws by looking out the window absentmindedly at work yesterday afternoon, resulting in anyone who entered the office thinking I was a slightly retarded lady who was given a position in the company as an act of charity. Fair enough, too.
So hop to it - Politics for Beginners. You know you want to.
Link via darpism.com
Posted by Jess at 12:55 PM Link | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)Get Your Arses Into Gear, Folks | Election 2004
Being a great big lefty, I’m going to plead to all ausculture.com’s readers to do their damndest to ensure John Howard is swiftly booted from The Lodge after the October 9 election. We’ll be posting a bit here and there regarding the current political goings on, but mostly I imagine we’ll be linking to interesting reading material that other people have written.
After all, I’m no expert when it comes to Australian politics and its internal workings, and I won’t pretend to be. I do know what my own gut instinct tells me about right and wrong, and that gut instinct tells me we have a dishonest, heartless Government in power. Hence it’s no surprise I will be voting for Labor. The Labor party are by no means perfect, but I trust Mark Latham infinitely more than I do John Howard.
So I’ll be linking interesting news stories, funny rants from bloggers, and anything else I think might benefit our Australian readers who have an interest in the outcome of the election. I’m always up for a little bit of banter, so Liberal-voting readers are more than welcome to respond to anything we post that they disagree with.
Should be an interesting few weeks of campaigning, kids.
Posted by Jess at 12:40 PM Link | Comments (5) | TrackBack (0)