Category: blog
October 14, 2007
being fisted by an elderly male panda bear in coober pedy while high on GHB
The rest is up to your imagination. Including the answer to why Coober Pedy is so green.
October 11, 2007
Disturbing Google search phrases XI
Before I start, this does not mark a return of the ausculture.com blog. I’m simply posting another batch of these because they’re generally funny… Also, this is not Jess. Check the author.
Let’s see what we have here:
- women builders arse crack Pay attention porn site owners, it’s all about finding a niche market.
- Wayne Rooney naked I know this one was listed before but… How disturbing is it that more than one person on earth has searched for this? or that one person has twice!
- i wet myself Seriously people. Google is not your incontinence therapist, or your cleaner.
- 55 year old womnan porn Is that typo on the word “woman” due to excitement or arthritis grandma?
- fix the fence with sticky tape Tried it. Didn’t work. Maybe bubble gum?
- Still more various variations on sexual acts performed on an island. There were at least a dozen hits from that in the last month. If you feel the need to research this on the web then it’s probably not going to matter if you’re on an island or not because you’ll be crap regardless. ok?
- big denise drysdale cleavage Errr.
- seriously, your body is a fucking wonderland John Mayer is seriously fucking kicking himself that he didn’t think to embellish the lyrics like that.
- being fisted by an elderly male panda bear in coober pedy while high on GHB Actually, no one has ever found us via that but… now that ausculture.com will soon be the only result for that search it’s only a matter of time.
And finally…
- piles fitech sex Anyone wanna have a guess at that?
April 20, 2007
The Future Of Ausculture.
I have some bad news for you, kids… Ausculture isn’t going to be updated much from here on in. The odd sporadic post perhaps but essentially it’s gonna sit pretty on the interwebs as an archive of three years of mischief. Two years of mischief actually involving the process of updating and writing new material!
OH NOES! FOR SOME STRANGE REASON, I’VE GROWN ATTACHED TO YER BLATHERING!
That’s very kind of you and you shall be rewarded with a sly fondle in the not too distant future.
The good news? If you’re into Big Brother rants, Australian Idol heckling, strange YouTube footage, deep analysis of the love lives of Australian soap stars etc, I will be banging such delights out with furious daily regularity on another site from Monday onwards.
OMG! WHAT? WHERE? HUH?
You’re hearing it here first, dear readers. Through a clever combination of single entendres, emails containing nothing but photos of walruses holding/losing buckets, and seven compromising Polaroids featuring my new employer after a couple of bottles of Jose Cuervo licking liquid chocolate off the southerly cheeks of a Dutch dwarf porn star, I managed to convince someone to hire me and I will now be (un)gainfully employed as editor of Defamer Australia. This will be nice. Until I am fired.
LOL UR AN IDIOT, THERE’S NO SUCH THING AS DEFAMER AUSTRALIA!!!1!
There will be on Monday, spazzguts.
WHY WOULD I GO TO DEFAMER AUSTRALIA RATHER THAN DEFAMER.COM IN THE STATES?
Well, if you loathe my particular style of interweb idiocy, you probably wouldn’t. But Defamer Australia is (hopefully) going to be the best of two blogworlds. We’ll grab the best posts from the US site and publish them on Defamer Australia (translation: we’ll sift out the Hollywood trades and industry stuff which tends to go over my head a bit but reproduce the high-larious posts about idiotic celebrities you’ve come to expect from Mark Lisanti and posse so you don’t miss out), plus we’ll have a tonne of local content.
CONTENT ABOUT JUST ABOUT THE FILM AND TV INDUSTRY, YEAH?
Nup. Here’s where the aims of the two Defamers will differ. While the US Defamer does a brilliant job of focusing on that particular niche, Defamer Australia will manically leap from topic to topic - genre to genre, skin to skin, fun to funky. We’ll not only discuss Australian showbiz as a whole and obsessively watch/review shithouse reality television programs, but we’ll also report on the occasional Australian current event/hot news item. Last but not least, we’ll also put in our two cents when it comes to overseas showbiz stuff, seasoning it with an Antipodean perspective. All in all, that’s a lot of fucking stuff to read when you’re bored at work.
YES.
(exhales)
Any questions?
Thanks to all of you who have so faithfully stuck by Ausculture since we started way back in January of 2004. Your emails and comments (and real life feedback, those of you I’ve been lucky enough to meet in the flesh), especially the support you threw my way when things were looking a bit dire last year, really meant the fucking world to me.
I’d also like to give a saucy wink to my posse of buddies in Melbourne (and Sydney!) who have so wonderfully kept me going over the past year and a half. Sometimes I find it hard to believe that I can call the funniest, kindest, cleverest and most talented people in the world my friends.
VOMIT!
LOLOLOLOLOL
WHAT ABOUT THE ACADEMY?
Frankly, the Academy did fuck all for me. And don’t get me started on God…
x
Posted by Jess at 12:06 PM Link | TrackBack (0)April 18, 2007
Peaches Takes The Piss Out Of Alanis (Taking The Piss Out Of Fergie)
And all is right with the world…
PS: If you never saw the original Alanis parody, here it is.
Although darling friends of mine found the above warblings to be kinda amusing, I could never get past the fact that - despite Alanis displaying what suspiciously looks like a sense of humour - she still sounds like a cat being raped and her monotonous mewlings make me want to stab someone… anyone…
SO GOD BLESS PEACHES FOR REPRESENTIN’, YO!
Muchos thanks to the beautiful Lee Lee for the link.
Posted by Jess at 10:46 AM Link | Comments (5) | TrackBack (0)Angry Celebrities.
I quite liked the following two examples of celebrities losing their shit at each another. It tickled my funny bone and made me feel slightly better about being forced to wake up - slightly hung-over - at 4.45am this morning.
BLOKE FROM MOGWAI RE: KEITH RICHARDS.
Hi everyone. I just woke up to find that average blues guitar peddlar and all round unlikeable London pirate-like arsehole Keith Richard snorted his dad’s ashes on a drug binge. Well done Keith, you talentless publicity hungry horrible prick of the highest order. He then goes on to say modern bands are a load of old crap. Right, but can we really listen to the opinions of a nasal cannibal?
Keith, your band are possibly the worst band in the history of human events, worse even than Placebo and The Reynolds Girls combined. Your posh English singer sings with an American accent about a load of old American prostitutes he met once and your guitar licks are Grade F. The sooner you die the quicker my Ladbrokes bet comes in between you and McCartney you old dick. I hope you kick the bucket in the most humiliating of ways, like on the toilet and then being eaten by your own dog. Stop living and give us peace you attention seeking non relevant oxygen thief.
SHARON OSBOURNE RE: JOSH HOMME.
I hope he gets syphilis and dies. I hope his dick fuckin’ falls off so his mother can eat it.
Delightful.
Posted by Jess at 7:48 AM Link | Comments (4) | TrackBack (0)April 17, 2007
Can I Have Four Beers?
On the off chance you haven’t seen this yet, here is the best piece of comedy Will Ferrell has ever put his name to. Seriously. It’s Day Two of watching it over and over and I’m still not sick of it. ‘Pearl’ makes me want to have a child… and teach it to get angry at people for my amusement.
UPDATE - The original embedded vid was a YouTube one, but it was yanked off the YouTube site due to copyright reasons. The only way to embed the clip from its original source (Funny Or Die) without making Ausculture look as though it had been on a pie-eating binge with Warney was to make it appear in the extended blog post. I don’t know what I’m saying. The coffee is hitting me right now. BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE.
POINT BEING, CLICK THE BELOW LINK, MOTHERCHUCKERS, IT’S AMAZING.
Posted by Jess at 6:51 AM Link | Comments (3) | TrackBack (0)April 13, 2007
Well, That’s Weird.
I’m pretty sure I’ve spent the majority of my life believing John Laws to be quite the spank lord. Lord knows I’ve found his quips in the past, in particular the ones he’s made regarding homosexuals, to be hideous and cringe worthy. But if I ran into him today, I think I’d shake his hand because he’s certainly - pleasantly - surprised me.
In response to the Prime Minister’s revolting defence of Alan Jones after the Australian Communications and Media Authority decided Jones’ abominable comments regarding Middle Eastern Australians - a spray delivered right before the Cronulla riots of 2005 - were in breach of Australia’s broadcasting code, Laws has piped up the following…
“You better ask yourself if this is the sort of individual you want articulating what you seem to think are the views of many Australians. It’s very easy to pander to prejudice. Many of the most dangerous people the world has ever known did just that.”
It’s not often I find myself actually applauding when reading something on a website, but when I saw the above quote in this smh.com.au article, I most certainly did.
PS: This is chockers with relevant quotes.
PPS: One week until I can tell you what the dilly-o’s happening regarding Ausculture! Woot!
Posted by Jess at 5:27 PM Link | Comments (8) | TrackBack (0)April 11, 2007
Boo!
Fondling your base again, just briefly, to assure you…
(ridiculously long pause before leading into paragraph containing little to no actual information)
… that within two weeks you’ll find out what the shizzle is going on here on this website! If you’re the sort of person who gets pumped about Big Brother, Idol, trashy gossip, Logies heckling and other pop cultural delights (and Ausculture’s spazzy, swear-filled take on such things), then head back here in a week and a half. There’ll be good news.
Again, the phrase “good news” will only ring true if you don’t want me dead. ARF! In any case, I’ll be blogging again. A lot. And we’re gonna have some fun…
x
Posted by Jess at 12:03 PM Link | Comments (9) | TrackBack (0)March 19, 2007
“Touching Base”
Urgh - I really hate the term “touching base”, it reminds me of years spent in a hideous office job surrounded by marketing types. And also, lovely attractive people whose friendship I cherish to this day (just in case some wonderful ex co-workers are reading…)
But I just wanted to pop by to give you a few bits of info.
- My laptop died! YES! THIS IS SERIOUSLY SHIT NEWS!
- This means I only have sporadic access to the interwebs! At the library, for fucks!
- And I don’t have time to write proper pop culture stuff, so I just MySpazz blog about personal shit, and thems the only writering I be doing! Hence the silence here!
- But it’s not that I don’t love you, Ausculture readers!
- And hopefully, very soon, I shall be able to tell you about something which would lead to several blog postings a day, five days a week! About pop culture! Big Brother! Idol! Rubbish! Etc!
- Nice, huh?
But until I have definite news for you, I’ll just have to be vague. Fingers crossed, eh?
x
PS: If you’re interested in my new love/hate relationship with Sudoku and other suck lame non-Ausculturey blog fodder, do some Googlestalking and find the MySpazz blog. And add me, for fucks. I am going to give the beautiful Genny B a run for her money friends-wise, or die trying.
Posted by Jess at 6:47 PM Link | Comments (4) | TrackBack (0)March 1, 2007
Tonight on JJJ…
Just popping by to tell ye I’m doing another fill in on JJJ this evening from 1am to 6am. I’ve forgotten how to press the buttons and I’ve had very little sleep SO PREPARE FOR MADNESS! My partner in radio crime Clem Bastow can’t do the show with me this week (boo to conflicting schedules!) but next week SHE’LL be dominating the national yoof broadcaster with her inimitable style and finesse so that’s something to look forward to!
x
Posted by Jess at 2:35 PM Link | Comments (6) | TrackBack (0)February 26, 2007
Anyone going to the Playground Weekender festival?
That’s right, anyone heading to this in less than a fortnight’s time? If so, come and say hello. I will be doing “assorted things”* on a stage marked “Other” - coincidentally, often the box I find myself ticking on various forms.
*NOT STRIPPING**
**ALTHOUGH THIS MAY BE SUBJECT TO CHANGE/AVAILABLE RIDER.
Posted by Jess at 10:07 AM Link | Comments (4) | TrackBack (0)February 19, 2007
Anna Nicole Smith’s Mysterious Death Has Been Solved!
And by Lily Allen, no less! Luckily everyone favourite Chris Cester hater* has blogged her findings (RE:VICKI LYNN HOGAN’S PASSING) on her famed MySpazz blog…
Now I am in bed watching a documentary on Anna Nicole Smith , may her soul rest in peace . I reckon Howard K Stern did it . I hope he gets found out . He looks creepy .
Well, I suppose that’s that then. Another case solved! Kudos, Inspector Allen!
Sorry for the silence (again x a million). Free wireless has disappeared from the house and I am typing this from the local library’s computers. A LIBRARY! I hope I don’t accidentally learn stuff. In any case, Born Dancin’ and I are talking VERY SERIOUSLY about investing in speedy internet for our charming house. Can anyone suggest a company/deal for us? We have no idea how to go about these things. We are landline-less, if that helps influence your advice.
*Actually, Ally Spazzy is my favourite Chris Cester hater. Apparently he went mental at her during this year’s Big Day Out tour about five minutes before he and Lily Allen got into a scrap. And when Chris was getting all crankypants at Ally, a member of Eskimo Joe stood beside him snickering approvingly… until Chris then turned on him. Ahh Bolivia showbiz… In any case, Ally has sworn to give me the scoop once I find my beloved dictaphone, although I think that’s pretty much the story. Sigh. I need a coffee.
February 11, 2007
More Buzzcocks Madness!
Remember when I gave you a heads up regarding the sweet genius of Never Mind The Buzzcocks last week? My dear chum Sean “Twice As” Butler commented on the post and mentioned a recent episode of the program where Simon Amstell used his razor sharp wit to slice and dice Donny Tourettes. Donny is the frontman of faux-punk band Towers Of London and they, just so you know, are a grievous offense against all things good in the world of music.
CAN WE WATCH SAID EPISODE, PLEASE?
I insist you do. It has been gently imbedded* below.
The bit where Simon has a jab about Donny smoking onstage in the final video is delicious, although the “punk dance” he does 6 minutes into the third clip makes me love him even more than I ever thought possible.
This is a genuine romance, people. I know he’s gay and we don’t know each other and all that other stuff but when you’ve found “the one”, you can’t let little things get in the way of the bigger picture.
I’d say the only thing really stopping me from settling down and becoming Mrs Simon Amstell is Ms Fits, a woman renown for her jealous streak and being mad as a cut snake, who would probably hunt me down and stab me if I managed to get my filthy paws on Simon before she did. Her obsession with him is about as unhealthy as mine. You can ask the wonderful Richard Watts, if you like. The poor man drew the short straw the other night and was sitting next to us as we squealed excitedly about how dreamy Simon is and how he might not really be gay if he met us and oooh, oooh did you see the interview he did with The Kooks YAYAYAY I FUCKING <3 1 DAT 1 BUT WHA BOUT DA BRITNEY ONE LOLOLOLOL DATS MY FAVE ME 2 AN HE GAV AWAY DA CHEEZE ON DA RED CARPIT @ DA BRITS CSIROMG DAT WAS DA BEST!
Yes, we talk like that in real life. It is incredibly unnerving.
*I am so juvenile, I actually snickered out loud when I typed “embedded”. You can imagine the idiocy that ensued at the East Brunswick Club last night while I was doorbitching… for string ensemble Fourplay. Ahhh… good times.
Posted by Jess at 4:55 PM Link | Comments (16) | TrackBack (0)February 9, 2007
Tips for domain registration
- Auto renewal, using a credit card or debit card of some sort can make things easier… Until your credit card expires.
- Of course, if you manage a numer of domains under the same registrar it’s fine - you’ll notice next time you log in. Unless it’s that one domain you registered elsewhere for reasons unknown.
- Which isn’t such an issue really, you’ll get a reminder notice that your domain is about to expire… Unless the renewal notice goes to an old email address you rarely check.
- However, as soon as you notice that a domain has expired, you can quickly go to the registrar, log in and renew it. Unless you’ve forgotten the password.
- If you’ve forgotten the password, you can get a replacement emailed to you. Unless you had the email account deleted a year ago.
- Which means you have to ring the registrar, and then fax them some proof of identification. That’s the way it works with this particular registrar anyway.
- So then, you can re-register that domain. Unless (hypothetically) you didn’t register the domain under your own name. Now that would put you in a bit of a pickle.
You’d need to do something like ring your old ISP and somehow get your email account back. They’re only human, they’ll understand. Right?
Yes.
Unless you left them on less than amicable terms (for whatever reason) and you still owe them money.
Now, anyone who knows me would know that I’d never be so careless as to do all of the above. I’m just saying.
Posted by Patrick at 10:12 PM Link | Comments (9) | TrackBack (0)February 6, 2007
Penelope Cruz and Olivier Martinez?
KYLIE Minogue’s ex-boyfriend, Olivier Martinez, has been spotted in the arms of yet another woman, this time it’s actress Penelope Cruz.
Britain’s Daily Mirror made a meal of photographs showing the French actor in an embrace with the Hollywood star at a Los Angeles hotel 12 hours after ending his four-year relationship with Minogue.
Rest easy, Kyles. It’s a well-known fact that Penelope only dates men who are rumoured to indulge in “Greco-Roman wrestling” from time to time and it has become apparent over the past few weeks that Olivier does indeed appear to have a very real and genuine enthusiasm for the ladies. Ladies who dig ladies, for that matter!
Posted by Jess at 11:20 AM Link | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)February 5, 2007
Welcome back
One day I’ll tell you all the story of how the ausculture.com domain registration went missing for two days.
Perhaps next week.
Until then… returning you to your scheduled programme.
Posted by Patrick at 9:46 PM Link | Comments (5) | TrackBack (0)Assorted Things To Begin Your Working Week.
NUMBER ONE
Your first piece of reading for this morning… was Malcolm X a gayer? Quite an interesting article. Sure, I could have blogged about it when it was published in the middle of 2005 but I’ve been busy, people!
NUMBER TWO
It’s been over two weeks since I found it through Defamer and this YouTube clip is still thrilling me to bits.
Better click and enjoy the merriment of hearing Tootie from The Facts Of Life gleefully exclaiming “Boooooong! Boooooong! Booooong!” and Mrs Garrett using the phrase “I’m not one to look a gift-bong in the mouth” (a term which I have immediately placed at the top of my mental list of Party Quips) before the clip is pulled down due to copyright restrictions or some such malarkey. Kill, Ubu! Kill! Good dog.
NUMBER THREE
ANYONE HERE WATCH NEIGHBOURS? Well, coming up quite soon - I’ll confirm closer to the date when my dear Neighbours insider gives me the lowdown - there will be an episode where one character refers to another as a “sezbian”. Look familiar, does it?
WE MADE IT UP RIGHT HERE ON AUSCULTURE JUST OVER ONE YEAR AGO!
Hopefully this means the word will enter the global pop cultural lexicon! Or at the very least it’ll be used by London students who sit around all day smoking Jamaican skunk and watching the goings on of Ramsay Street in between runs to the kitchen for more Pot Noodles.
Coming soon to Neighbours: Susan explains to Lynn that her nasty itchy rash is simply “sexema” caused by having a super-randy Karl constantly rubbing himself all over her. Ahem. I’m working on that one right now, get back to me in a month…
NUMBER FOUR
LISTEN! Why, if I’m not mistaken, it’s one of the original Sugababes who left the group because the girls were total bitches to her and taunted her by speaking their own language which she couldn’t understand a word of and generally making her miserable etc! AND SHE’S VERY GOOD!
NUMBER FIVE
Who knows how to have a good time (other than Tootie)? Paris bloody Hilton, that’s who - or at least that’s the conclusion you could safely draw after checking out reports of the home video which was simply one item in an exciting collection of Hilton things being exhibited on the now defunct parisexposed.com. Let’s see - a man splattered with cocaine here, a chilled out pup named Prince there… No wonder she sounds cheery when she exclaims “Hi bitches…I have the best pot…Let’s smoke some fucking herb right here.” That’s hot.
Less hot is the visual place you’ll go to when you discover she’s also muttered delightful statements like “That looks like my ———- on a bad day, after being ——ed by ten n—-ers”. And not quite done with the topic of being done up the tradesman’s, she also admits “I get ——ed in the —— for coke.” I’ll assume that last part is her joking cheekily, like when Jared Leto says he’s “gay as a goose” in an interview or when chums tell me “Jess, for the last time - that’s inappropriate touching and I’ll thank you to remove your hand from my upper thigh”. LOLOLOL @ MI KRAZEE FRENZ!!!1!
NUMBER SIX
Reasons to continue liking The Ginger Prince better than The Pretty One With The Receding Hairline? He lists his interests on his FaceBook account as “eating, crying, screaming, pooing and weekends”. Steal his shtick and update your MySpazz pages accordingly.
More rubbish links and news as it comes to hand. Oooh, I’m liking this internerd-at-home caper!
x
Posted by Jess at 7:07 AM Link | Comments (3) | TrackBack (0)February 4, 2007
OH YEAH! I Forgot All About Telling You This…
Remember when I mentioned I had Dancing With The Stars gossip? And then completely left the topic alone in favour of doing god knows what?
Well, here’s what I was gonna tell you - Naomi Robson is going to be shimmying away on the program.
I found this out a couple of weeks ago when the producer for Dancing With The Stars sat next to me at the internet cafe I was frequenting constantly to take full advantage of the free wireless. She seemed quite lovely and we’d already made small talk when she then got on the phone and began discussing the new series of the show quite loudly and I couldn’t help overhearing the rather entertaining conversation about previous stars of the show/future stars in the coming series.
I decided against “live blogging” it at the time because, I dunno… it felt like I was breaking some internerd cafe code of ethics or something, but it’s out now so there you go. Here’s the snippet of what she said on the phone about Naomi Robson which I meant to write about - and would have, if it weren’t for me having the attention span of a goldfish and consequently forgetting all about it the second the producer left the cafe.
“Naomi doesn’t give a ** what anyone thinks of her. Well, she cares about her appearance and looks and stuff, but as far as whether the average Australian likes her, she couldn’t give a damn. Should be great!”
Earth-shattering tidbit, I know.
On the upside (touch wood) - free internet! Back in the house!
BRING ON MOTHERCHUCKING BIG BROTHER, YOU BASTARDS!
Posted by Jess at 5:41 PM Link | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)February 2, 2007
It Might Be The Lack Of Sleep…
… or insanity brought on by attempting to quit smoking, but I found the last bit of the following article somewhat amusing.
A 29-year-old pedophile posed as a 12-year-old boy for two years and even attended an Arizona school for four months before being kicked out for poor attendance.
Neil Havens Rodreick, 29, who is 1.7m tall and weighs 54kg, shaved his head and covered his stubble with make-up to fool authorities and friends.
He used the name Casey Price and spent four months last year at the Imagine School in Phoenix before he was thrown out for poor attendance, the British Press Association said.
He allegedly pretended to be a youth for nearly two years, even convincing two men who had been looking for boys on the internet that he was a minor and getting them to pretend to be his relatives.
His neighbours said he built the occasional skateboard ramp and did wheelies on his bike down the streets.
At school he was seen as a shy, average student who handed in his homework but did not stay after classes ended.
Authorities said that after leading Lonnie Stiffler, 61, and Robert Snow, 43, to believe he was a youth, Rodreick talked them into taking him to live with them in Arizona, according to the New York Times.
Mr Stiffler reportedly posed as his grandfather and Mr Snow as his uncle.
Both were said to have regularly had sex with him, and investigators believed another man living in the house.
He was caught earlier this month when he went to a school in Chino Valley, Arizona, for a day and teachers got suspicious.
Rodreick spent seven years in prison after being convicted in 1996 of lewdly propositioning a six-year-old boy in Oklahoma.
He was charged with forgery and fraud over the school incidents.
He was also accused of assault against a girl and investigators said a video of him engaging in sex acts with an unidentified child was found at his house.
The other men had have been indicted on numerous counts, the New York Times said.
Authorities said Mr Stifler and Mr Snow were shocked and angry about being duped by an adult posing as a minor.
Quotes presumably not used in the article -
Mr Stifler - We thought we were decent, upstanding kiddy fiddlers.
Mr Snow - And now we discover our “victim” is in fact a 29 year old grown man?
Mr Stifler - How can we show our faces at the next NAMBLA get together?
Mr Snow - This has ruined our reputation amongst the pederast community.
Mr Stifler - I’m answering calls from my mother all the time, having to reassure her that I’m not a homosexual!
Mr Snow - You spend years - years - trying to infiltrate a community, get involved with the local children’s groups, that sort of thing. And the next thing you know, everyone thinks you’re gay. My career as a Scout master is over. Yes, I’ll say I’m shocked about being duped. Shocked and angry.
Mr Stifler - We’ve been wronged. We shall seek compensation, mark my words.
DISCLAIMER DEAR BLOG POLICE: PLEASE NOTE THAT I DO NOT FIND PEDOPHILES AMUSING (GARY GLITTER EXCEPTED, HIS KNOCK KNOCK JOKE REPERTOIRE IS SECOND TO NONE) NOR DO I FIND IT FUNNY THAT A GROWN MAN - A SEXUAL PREDATOR, NO LESS - MANAGED TO BLAG HIS WAY INTO AN ENVIRONMENT WHERE HE COULD HARM CHILDREN. MY HOBBIES DO NOT INCLUDE HARMING CHILDREN IN ANY WAY, SHAPE OR FORM. CHECK MY MYSPAZZ INTERESTS PAGE IF YOU DON’T BELIEVE ME!
Posted by Jess at 2:28 PM Link | Comments (0) | TrackBack (1)January 28, 2007
Never Mind The Buzzcocks = GENIUS
Seriously. The Brits really know how to do a music panel show, don’t they? Meanwhile, we get stuck with the pleasant but kinda middle-of-the-road Spicks and Specks. It doesn’t seem fair.
I spent Sunday feeling like death and hiding in my room watching YouTube videos of Never Mind The Buzzcocks, and the below episode (lovingly split up into four parts) made me weep with laughter. Highlights include host Simon Amstell’s “in hindsight…” line delivered to Amy Winehouse regarding her song Rehab, and Amy’s hilarious response to the suggestion she should go and write a song with Katie Melua as opposed to Pete Doherty.
The whole thing is wonderful and I have a new YouTube obsession.
Posted by Jess at 11:19 PM Link | Comments (8) | TrackBack (0)January 27, 2007
A Charming Playlist.
WARNING: BLOG FILLER!
Here’s a thoroughly lovely playlist (in my opinion) for late January. Get your hands on the following tracks and you too can chillax to some “phat” tunes.
- Cosmia - Joanna Newsom*
- I Still Remember - Bloc Party
- Don’t Let Him Waste Your Time - Jarvis Cocker
- When You Were Mine - Cyndi Lauper
- Sick With It - The Gossip
- Secret Heart - Ron Sexsmith
- Don’t Fight It - Kenny Loggins feat. Steve Perry
- The Devil - The Rapture
- One With The Freaks - The Notwist
- Get Lost - Patrick Wolf
- Sonido Total - The Pinker Tones
- Always - Erasure
- Understand What You Want But I Just Don’t Agree - Sleepy Jackson
- This Will Be Our Year - The Zombies
*I could never understand the whole Joanna Newsom buzz, but Clemmy played Cosmia on RRR on Wednesday night and since then, I’ve been obsessed with this song.
Posted by Jess at 4:36 PM Link | Comments (2) | TrackBack (0)Things That Have Pleased Me During The Past Week.
NUMBER ONE
Playing Heaven 17’s “Temptation” on JJJ at two in the morning and blaring the volume in the studio to an ear-shattering level before dancing by myself on a chair like a spazz and scaring the poor Technical Services guy who drew the short straw and was stuck wandering around Southbank until sunrise answering my ridiculous and utterly pertinent questions like “WHERE’S THE FOXTEL REMOTE?”.
I also quite enjoyed it when my dad emailed me on Wednesday to tell me that my dear 85 year old grandfather had made the effort to wake up early in order to listen to Clem and yours truly when we were doing our month of JJJ Saturday night graveyards. Grandpa’s verdict? According to my dad “he didn’t like the music and couldn’t understand a thing you were saying” but he was very proud. Wow, the music sucked and so did the between-song conversation. WHAT A TELLING ASSESSMENT OF OUR MAD RADIO SKILLZ! God love him.
NUMBER TWO
This picture from the b3ta messageboards.
NUMBER THREE
Also from b3ta , this charming footage of a dog using an accordion-esque shitbag.
NUMBER FOUR
My dear housemate Born Dancin’s list (via somewhere else, but you can grab the relevant links from the blogpost) of idiotic Amazon reviews of George Orwell’s 1984. Example? “”This book isn’t as good as Harry Potter in MY opinion, and no one can refute me. ” GENIUS.
NUMBER FIVE
Via my darling busty Nads, an educational YouTube “documentary” on the crack spider.
There was more but I’m just so excited to have free internet suddenly appear in my bedroom that I simply must leave you and go exploring the interwebs before it inevitably disappears again, leaving me to weep salty tears onto my keyboard.
Posted by Jess at 4:01 PM Link | Comments (4) | TrackBack (0)January 25, 2007
Why Must I Cry?
Posted by Jess at 3:33 PM Link | Comments (2) | TrackBack (0)Tonight On “Le J’s”
Word up, motherchuckers. I will be strolling into JJJ later tonight (1am Friday, you pedants) and hitting all the wrong buttons at the wrong time before no doubt breaking the national broadcaster beyond repair just in time for them to be unable to announce the JJJ Hottest 100 tomorrow morning. WHAT A LARK!
Not only is Clem unable to make it, but my replacement co-host Ms Angela Ruth Hart has been forced to pull out last minute. I have beaten her quite savagely around the head as punishment, but hopefully she’ll make up for it through a grovelling public apology in which she compliments me heavily and makes numerous references to my undeniable charm and appeal to the masses. An extract from the interview would probably go something like this.
ME: Say you’re sorry.
ANGIE: I am very sorry.
ME: Will you make it up to me AND the people of Australia?
ANGIE: Yes! Yes I will! I promise!
ME: And how will they know it’s really you?
ANGIE: I don’t know!
ME: Hang on, I have an idea. Are you singing Accidently Kelly Street right now?
ANGIE: No.
ME: Well, then it’s definitely you.
ANGIE: LOLOLOL
ME: ROFLWAFFLES!
Etc.
I am thinking of scaring “the kids” and playing some Tears For Fears. If you’re awake, tune in.
x
Posted by Jess at 2:10 PM Link | Comments (7) | TrackBack (0)January 24, 2007
Joanna Newsom Isn’t As Highbrow As You’d Think.
Have we all heard of high pitched warbler Joanna Newsom? She had a rather successful solo record called The Milk-Eyed Mender (2004) and has just released her follow-up titled “Ys” (pronounced “Eeees”… if you wanna be anything like yours truly and Clem when we back announce this on the rayjo - and really, you don’t want to be as we are bloody idiots most of the time - you should squeal this as loudly and irritatingly as possible).
All very nice, isn’t it? Oooh, she plays the harpsichord! Gosh, she’s toured with Will Oldham and Devendra Banhart! Van Dyke Parks arranged her latest album! She looks all elfin and sweet as though she’s just left the family home in the forests of Lothlorien to try and make it in the music business!
I PUT IT TO YOU THAT JOANNA NEWSOM IS A CHEEKY DEVIL WHO WATCHES DODGY HOME PORNOS FEATURING EX-SAVED BY THE BELL STARS.
“GASP!”
Yes! And furthermore, not only does she enjoy viewing such unclassy material, but she actually wrote a song about the whole experience and were it not for some lackey at the record company mishearing the title of the song, the above snippet of information would, in fact, be well known around the traps!
“EXPLAIN YOURSELF, WOMAN!”
Right. The first single from EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!!!!!! is called Sawdust & Diamonds.
OR IS IT?
I firmly believe the title of the song was originally meant to be….
“YES?”
SAW DUSTIN DIAMOND’S! OPEN PARENTHESIS! PENIS! CLOSE PARENTHESIS!
“………”
I’ll stop drinking coffee now and get my coat. I’m so sorry.
Posted by Jess at 11:25 AM Link | Comments (3) | TrackBack (0)This Is Quite Brilliant.
Kudos once again to Scott, To Be Certain - his assessment of women’s tennis is guffaw prompting genius.
Read it here. Immediately.
Posted by Jess at 11:08 AM Link | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)Holiday Season Come Down Cures.
It would have been better providing you lot with this some time around mid-January but never mind. Here are some helpful tips on how to shake off the dreaded feeling of ‘bleurgh’ that can follow on from serious shindiggery!
It’s January. You’ve made it – god knows how – through the holiday season’s seemingly endless gauntlet of parties and shindigs, grimaced and probably boozed your way through your family celebrations, donned yer drinking cap and kept it real for New Years Eve and now you find yourself exhausted, physically broken and mentally fried in the first month of 2007.
But fear not, dear chums. I’m a bit of an expert when it comes to dusting myself off in order to climb aboard the Knees Up Express once again, so I’m here to give you a couple of tips on how to get past the infamous Holiday Season Come down.
Make this (non-alcoholic) drink!
The lovely Renee from The Corner Hotel in Richmond made me the following during an evening I was visibly worse for wear after going a bit bananas the night before. Get a pint glass, pour in an entire can of Red Bull, fill the rest of the glass up with Coke, and add a slice of lemon and a splash of raspberry cordial before downing the motherchucker. Voila! Buh-bye hangover!
From the mouths of rock and rollers…
Ally Spazzy was once given the following tip on how to recover from serious partying by Ross from the Cosmic Psychos. According to him, the best way to get over particularly savage party-caused lethargy is to “down enough water until you feel like you’re going to throw up” and then go to sleep on a bed without pillows. Yes. I’ve never tried this myself but if people in the music scene can’t be relied upon to give us the heads up on ways to move on from a hangover, then who in this goddamn crazy world is there left to trust, I ask you?
Hair of the dog!
True, the last thing you want to look at after three weeks of solid pub-based gallivanting is a frothy beer, but sometimes downing a cold lager really is the only way to cure yourself of post-inebriation pain. You can do it!
And if all else fails…
I suggest therapy. Apparently there’s some sort of sweet government deal which means you get like, eight visits with a psychologist who probably earned their diploma by responding to an email from a university rep named Underachiever P. Postmortem for the price of an all day Metcard, although you may want to double check that as I am notorious for refusing to deal with “facts”. But here’s one thing I can tell you for sure. If you walk in for your session only to discover the person meant to be dealing with your fragmented noggin has a tapestry hanging from their office wall with the words “You Can’t Have Psycho-Analogy Without Anal!” lovingly cross-stitched upon it, it’s probably best to leave straight away. Trust me on this one.
Posted by Jess at 10:45 AM Link | Comments (2) | TrackBack (0)January 22, 2007
BDO
Flags sold for profit will be canceled.
Well, call me crazy but I’m looking at this the other way.
For fuck’s sake, you’re supposed to be running a music festival. Why get involved in shit-flinging?
BTW, I haven’t been to the BDO for at least five years so I can’t (nor am I trying to) comment on whatever thuggery they have going on there now…
~ Patrick
Posted by Patrick at 10:22 PM Link | Comments (4) | TrackBack (0)Various Things For Your Monday, Folks
Hola, kids! The black dog that has been growling outside my door ever since my beloved best pal Will Fop flew out of the country last week appears to be momentarily distracted, so I figured I’d jump on here for a tick and give you a few quick links to interesting things on the interwebs. ARE YOU PUMPED? Huzzah, etc!
OH NOES!
So the politicians are in a tizzy regarding Big Day Out management discouraging punters from bringing the Australian flag to the festival. Frankly, there’s not much more I can add to the topic when Clem’s written a marvellous “piece” on The Age about it which totally sums up how I feel - check it out here.
THE GOLDEN GLOBES!
Faggot-gate! Ryan Seacrest failing to interest Angelina Jolie! Etc! Read all about it at Defamer, yo.
TRASH TV FOREVS!
I fucking love this article to bits. I also love the US version of Wife Swap, especially after viewing ten episodes in two days. GET ON IT!
JEAN CLAUDE VAN DAMME’S FULL-MONGREL ON TELLY!
Via Popbitch - please enjoy both Van Damme’s amazing and thoroughly sexy dance moves AND his swollen wang!
RADIO RELATED - RRR!
Clemmy B and I will be returning to RRR this Wednesday night from midnight til 2am, and we have a helluva lot of new and wonderful tunes to spin as well as much nonsense to talk. Tune in!
RADIO RELATED - JJJ!
It’s time for yet another graveyard shift on the national broadcaster! This Thursday night (well, 1am on Friday AEST) will see Triple J listeners having to sit through further questionable choices in music and hysterical laughter. Sadly, my beloved and knowledgeable radio partner-in-crime Ms Clementine “I Like To Sing Politically Incorrect Songs From The Hey Hey It’s Saturday Album On National Radio” Bastow will be unable to join me due to “keeping it real” elsewhere. What does this mean?
FIRSTLY: I will be pressing all the buttons and quite possibly breaking something. ARF!
SECONDLY: I will need a co-host… god forbid I fall asleep at the microphone resulting in late night revellers in Broken Hill feeling confused and perplexed about the sounds of muffled snoring and dribbling pumping through their speakers. Thankfully, the wonderful Angie Hart has agreed to be my radio wingman. Hopefully she will keep her notoriously foul-mouth and vicious temper in check because the last thing I need to attend is a fucking Senate enquiry. I jest, of course. She will be funny as hell and bring marvellous tunes to the table so jolly good all round then. Try to tune in if you’re still awake.
UPDATE - The above information, whilst correct at time of publishing, may have changed last minute. I will confirm shortly (for the three of you who give a flying fondle…)
x
Posted by Jess at 4:03 PM Link | Comments (3) | TrackBack (0)January 13, 2007
Farewell, My Darling Fop!
So I’ve been busy. I apologise profusely (YET AGAIN ETC) but you see, I’ve kinda had my hands full.
WHAT’S HAPPENING, JESS? I CARE, TRULY I DO!
Thank you for asking. Alright, here’s the go - my beloved best chum, personal “gay” and manager (who keeps me relevant to my core audience of homosexuals and children, allegedly) Mr William Fop Esq. is leaving the country.
WTF?!
I KNOW! Naturally I’ve tried during the last two weeks to spend as much time as humanly possible with him.
UNDERSTANDABLE!
Lemme tell you a little bit about one of my favourite human beings on the planet.
Will was the first person I met through this blogging caper. Now, before Will came into my world I had absolutely no plans to ever meet anyone from the internet. Making friends with people from the web was something anti-social losers who had no real life associates did. But Will had consistently made me laugh on email and on his extremely brilliant blog so when he moved to Sydney for a couple of months back in late-2004 and admitted he was finding it a bit hard, I figured “What the hell? I’ll meet him for coffee. What is there to be afraid of?”
And so on a breezy October evening, Will and I made a date to meet in the city. Being mildly concerned that he’d be an axe-wielding psychopath who regularly feigned a passion for the Minogues in order to lure vulnerable young lasses for skim lattes with a side of sexual assault, I hid behind a pillar near our designated meeting spot and waited to see just who arrived.
Cut to the arrival of a handsome young man wearing a beret and an extremely colour co-ordinated outfit. I sauntered over, we introduced ourselves - and fell immediately in love.
Before too long we found ourselves constantly on the phone to each other between the hours of nine to five when we should have been working. It was Will who clutched me by the arm back when I was feeling lost and confused and hated my office job and told me he believed I could do radio or writing or whatever the hell it is I wanted to do. It was Will who recommended me to the lovely Jo and Cam from 2SER and hooked up the weekly appearance on their Wednesday Breakfast show. It was Will who - along with people like Ms Fits, Fluffy, Genny B, Sugar & Hotman, Dirty Derek, Matty B, and countless others - showed me around Melbourne when I was visiting in mid-2005 and made it feel so much like home for me that I decided to move here. It was Will who went to check out apartments for me whilst I packed up my life in Sydney. And it was Will who would call and check on me all the time when I first got here to make sure I wasn’t having a nervous breakdown/was aware of the latest Girls Aloud gossip.
And since moving down here, I’ve been rather up and down - and all the while, there was Will. Making me laugh, talking me through various turmoils, buying me lunch and coffees and visiting my crack den of a barn with a copy of Madonna’s “I’m Going To Tell You A Secret” DVD for our viewing pleasure.
Now he’s leaving to be an amazing success in London so if you don’t mind, I’m making the most of my beloved chum - he’s leaving on Tuesday, for fucks sake. He’s living with me until then, and god love him - he arrived yesterday with suitcases and a giant sack of “presents” for me. Wanna know what he’s given me?
- Two books of late Seventies radical feminist literature.
- One book documenting the scandals and gossip behind the gay male porn scene.
- Several copies of Attitude magazine, The Face, Gay Times and DNA. And a 1993 Q Magazine! I LIVE FOR OLD COPIES OF Q MAGAZINE!
- Green tea.
- Half a box of Omo.
- Half a litre of Croatian plum brandy.
- Blank CDs.
- Soy milk.
- Personal warming lubricant.
- Assorted condoms.
- Dishwashing liquid.
- Valium.
- A bong.
- Swedish biscuits.
- A 2007 Diary - in Swedish.
- The Young Divas album.
- And other assorted delights.
How could I do anything other than adore the man?
Will - you’ve been the most amazing friend to me and I absolutely love you to fucking bits. You’ve had faith in me and propped me up when I had no confidence whatsoever, and I wouldn’t be half the person I am today - or half as happy with my life - if you hadn’t entered my world. I will miss you more than you will ever know. Thank you for everything… and here’s to our future turkey baster baby.
x
Posted by Jess at 1:23 PM Link | Comments (5) | TrackBack (0)January 10, 2007
Trivia At The Corner Returns!
IF YOU ARE A MELBOURNITE, THE FOLLOWING WILL BE RELEVANT. OTHERWISE, HOLD ON AND I’LL BE BACK SOON WITH SOME EXCLUSIVE DANCING WITH THE STARS GOSSIP.
Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure to announce the glorious return of Rock & Pop Culture Trivia to one of Melbourne’s finest establishments - the world famous and rather sultry Corner Hotel in Richmond!
Dave the Scot and Jess “Red Bull” Ausculture have spent the past two weeks literally (LITERALLY!) soaking in as much knowledge as they can to ensure their respective brains are absolutely chock-a-mother-chucking-block full of new and intriguing quizzical bits.
Dave the Scot went on a No Doze bender for eleven days straight and watched every English language movie released between the years 1989 and 1991. Viewing Thelma & Louise and following it on directly with Fried Green Tomatoes left the man a blubbering mess (but claiming he has a “new respect” for the beauty and strength that can come from the friendship and love of two formidable “womyn”) but that’s a story for another day.
Jess had the delightful image of Britney’s “baby-factory” appearing mid-limo exit tattooed on her buttocks and created an entirely new wardrobe through cutting and pasting together numerous old NW Magazine, although an unfortunate incident with a pyromaniacal homeless man on Smith St means she’ll probably end up wearing The Blue Polka-Dot Dress TM this evening.
IN SHORT.
We’re pumped and ready to rock.
WHAT: Three rounds of trivia - the first is Film & TV, the second is Music and the third is Trash Culture (unofficially sponsored by NW Magazine).
WHEN: Tonight - and every Wednesday night following - from 7:30pm.
WHERE: The Corner Hotel, Swan Street in Richmond. We’re upstairs in the charming and breezy Rooftop Bar.
WHY: Because we asked you nicely! Did we mention you are quite pretty/handsome/other? Plus you can win jugs of beer through out the night, not to mention jugs, wine and slabs of beer if you finish in the Top Three teams. BOOYAH!
ANYTHING ELSE: No, I don’t think so. Why, you gonna tell me how to do my job? ARE YOU?
NO: Well, good then.
FINE: Fine.
I’M GOING: To trivia?
YES: Lovely.
x
Posted by Jess at 1:53 PM Link | Comments (3) | TrackBack (0)January 9, 2007
Thanks, Ma!
Here’s a touching quote to be read out at Shiloh Jolie-Pitt’s eighteenth birthday, no doubt.
“I think I feel so much more for Madd and Zee because they’re survivors, they came through so much. Shiloh seemed so privileged from the moment she was born. I have less inclination to feel for her…I met my other kids when they were 6 months old, they came with a personality. A newborn really is this…Yes, a blob! But now she’s starting to have a personality…I’m conscious that I have to make sure I don’t ignore her needs, just because I think the others are more vulnerable.”
God love her.
Posted by Jess at 1:34 PM Link | Comments (2) | TrackBack (0)January 3, 2007
BLOGGERS ELOPE!
Oh my GOD! And a WOOT WOOT YAY YAY ETC!
Congratulations must go out to lovely bloggers MSKP and TOBYToby who eloped on New Years Eve.
Well done, you crazy kids. Brings a tear to my hazel eye, it does. And considering they met at The East Brunswick Club trivia evening and I can clearly recall the sparks flying that very night, I can’t help but feel personally responsible for the two of ‘em finding eternal love and happiness in each other’s arms. Heh.
Bravo! 2007 is already fucking caning it when it comes to good news, as far as I’m concerned.
x
Posted by Jess at 2:18 PM Link | Comments (3)Oh, And The Latest Britney News?
Seems she and Paris have “broken up”.
PLEASE GET TOGETHER WITH CATHY DENNIS AND MAX MARTIN AND RECORD AN AMAZING POP SONG QUICK STICKS, YOUNG LADY! AND STOP THIS “NEWFOUND FREEDOM” MALARKY BECAUSE WE’VE ALL SEEN YOUR LOVE-FLAPS AND IT DIDN’T MAKE US FEEL NICE.
I’m obviously talking to Britney here as no one - no one - would ever demand Paris Hilton step foot inside a recording studio again.
Oh, and Britney?
I also found myself rather “tired” on New Years Eve. Bottoms up!
Posted by Jess at 1:34 PM Link | Comments (4) | TrackBack (0)Vale Justin Hawkins (Or At The Very Least, His Dignity)
Oh, who am I kidding? Any rocker who prances around like this in a video clip is clearly someone without shame and goddamn it, it’s a quality I’ve always admired in the man.
Regardless, the news that the ex-Darkness frontman may well be entering the Celebrity Big Brother house in the UK worries me a little. Perhaps his stint in The Priory led to a newfound love of twenty-four hour supervision?
In any case, if News Of The World are to be believed (and my friends, the stories they publish are always to be believed… until a week later when talk of libel leads to them to make a grovelling apology), Paul Michael-Glaser aka Starsky and Jermaine Jackson will also be joining the falsetto-belting jumpsuit-loving Hawkins on the show.
This could be rather amazing, folks. Thank fuck for YouTube.
Posted by Jess at 1:21 PM Link | Comments (2) | TrackBack (0)Get In Line, Ladies.
Even though Justin Timberlake’s popularity has hit an all-time high thanks to the absolute genius of his recent Saturday Night Live appearance, rumours abound that even a lovingly placed dick in a box wasn’t enough to keep a lady like Cameron Diaz happy over the festive season.
This Christmas season, Justin Timberlake spent his holiday at home in Tennessee, surrounded by his close-knit family, including mom (and one-time manager) Lynn, stepfather Paul Harless and his two younger half-brothers. Cameron Diaz, his girlfriend since 2003, went skiing in Vail, Colo., staying at the Vail Mountain Resort & Spa, with her family. Separate vacations? At this time of year? What’s the reason? Sources say the glamorous duo, who have gone on many vacations together in the past, went their separate ways after Justin decided that his days with Cam were numbered. And on Dec. 23, as he partied with friends in Senses nightclub in Memphis, a source says Justin told fellow revelers: “Me and Cameron? We’re done.”
Could it be true? As someone who shamelessly saunters the streets of Melbourne wearing an Official Justified 2004 Australian Tour satchel, I do hope so. Jessie Timberlake has a certain ring to it, if you ask me.
Posted by Jess at 1:10 PM Link | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)January 2, 2007
Happy New Year!
And welcome back to the world of ausculture.com. Of course, I’m saying that more for my benefit than yours but nonetheless, it feels good to be sitting in front of this familiar blog entry screen and shooting the shit with y’all.
Thank you to those out there who continue visiting every day to see if I’ve gotten off my arse to bring this blog back to life. Thank you to those who have emailed and give a flying fuckeroo as to what’s been happening. It all means a lot, swears.
My New Years resolution (amongst others) is to go back to updating this thing daily and with a love that dare not speak its name - or something along those lines. Exciting! Still internerdless at home but a daily trek to the wireless cafe is part of my game plan so expect a return to the days of old. If I can remember how to write.
I know I’ve been missing since early November but I’ve been getting my head together which is nice, don’t you think? I’ve been penning ridiculous (BUT CUTE) articles for 64 Magazine when I get a moment, and grabbing bits and pieces of paid work wherever I can. Huzzah!
The other big thing worth mentioning (as it’s kept us busy, what with learning how to use the studio and hours of defamation/libel training - they know us well) is that Clem and I have been doing some late night summer fill ins for Triple J whilst we’re on a break from RRR. We’ve already done two shows, wowing truck drivers and road trippers across the nation, and we’ve got two more to go. You can listen to us make fun of emo and generally act like loose cannons on the national “yoof” broadcaster late Saturday nights (or 1am Sunday mornings, depending on your perspective/location) on JJJ. Marvel at our Red Bull-fuelled enthusiasm in the first two hours! Listen to how delirious and mental we are by the time the sun has come up! Truly riveting radio, to be sure.
Let’s meet back here tomorrow and get on with the VERY important job of dissecting the news of the world (top of the list being Britney, I’ve no doubt). Thanks for sticking around. Much festive season love.
x
Posted by Jess at 5:18 PM Link | Comments (10) | TrackBack (0)November 6, 2006
Where Does The Time Go?
Goodness me!
For those of you who don’t know, our merry household has pulled up stumps and left the latte supping confines of North Fitzroy and we’re now in some swish motherchucking digs in Carlton where we plan to keep it extremely “real” with a newfound dash of class. I am no longer living in a Barn and actually sleep inside a house! As you can imagine, having bathroom privileges is incredibly exciting.
Sadly our new pad (we’re yet to come up with a nickname for it, all suggestions welcome - EXCEPT “THE HOUSE OF WANKERS”, MUM! I TOLD YOU THAT JOKE WASN’T FUNNY!) is sans internet connection, hence the weeklong silence. Oh, and I’ve also been distracted over the past fortnight due to being wooed by Rupert Murdoch, or so I read in Crikey. It’s true, I spent some time with Rupert at his place in New York and I’ve gotta say, he’s not so bad when you get to know him. Although the wandering hands and cries of “It’s gin o’clock!” at 11am get a bit old after a while.
MOVING SWIFTLY ALONG.
Reese and Ryan, eh? I’d always hoped they’d prove the gossip mags wrong but there you go. And was he slipping one into Abbie Cornish? COULD ABBIE AND RYAN BE THE SAFEWAYS VERSION OF BRAN AND ANGELINA?
Doogie Howser MD is “a gay”. Well, he has been looking far more attractive to me over the past few years. That ought to explain it. THIS ATTRACTION TO THE HOMOSEXUALS IS WHY I AM DESTINED TO BE ALONE FOREVER, PEOPLE. We are unable to confirm reports that having to rub Whoopi Goldberg’s feet in the movie “Clara’s Heart” at age fifteen was the final nail in the coffin of his heterosexuality.
Warning - I’m about to get all literary on yo asses…
When did Kylie Minogue become Burma Jones from A Confederacy Of Dunces? “We’re on tour again, whoa!” said Our Kyles as she touched down in Sydney Airport. If her Showgirl tour includes a scene where Kylie is undressed by a bird, I’m contacting John Kennedy Toole’s estate and insisting they launch legal action immediately.
And this is just a DISGRACE. Honestly, “I Wish I Was A Punk Rocker” makes me feel violent. Please read the brilliant Popjustice’s thoughts on Sandi Thom right now, thank you muchly.
Well, I’ve wasted as much time as I can in this here internerd cafe. Time for me to go and have a late lunch with The Packers. Back soon, delightful people. And I’m a-saving my pennies so the new house can get a wireless connection so regular posting will eventually be back. Email jessculture at gmail.com if you want to send me a thousand dollars or something nice like that so I can hook up some sweet internet access or just buy a new iPod. MINE IS BROKEN AND NOW SO IS MY HEART.
Posted by Jess at 1:07 PM Link | Comments (31) | TrackBack (0)October 24, 2006
Headline Of The Morning…
Madonna Starting To Really Regret Not Having Chosen The Less Cute Orphan With No Living Parents
Thank you Defamer!
Posted by Jess at 9:38 AM Link | Comments (2) | TrackBack (0)Jesus or Alan Jones?
Alan Jones’s boss, 2GB program director John Brennan, has stepped up to defend his star shock-jock.
In an angry letter to the Fairfax press, which published excerpts of the biography, Mr Brennan likened Jones’s treatment to that meted out to Jesus.
“There are remorseless attacks on this man by his critics,” he wrote.
“He reminds me of another man some 2000 years ago who had the worst interpretations put upon his kindest actions, yet he went on.”
Because there’s one thing Alan Jones’s ego needs, and that’s a comparison to the Messiah. Nonetheless, I’m sure John Brennan and yours truly aren’t the only ones out there who find Jesus H. Christ Esq and Alan Jones freakishly similar… Here are just three ways in which the two men are alike.
Example #1
Alan Jones used to coach the Wallabies and Jeebus was also quite partial to rugby! In fact, I believe Our Lord once said “Let us love, not in word or speech, but in truth and action and the occasional line-out.”
Example #2
Jesus wanted to be a “fisher of men”. Coincidentally enough, Alan Jones has had a bit of experience fishing for men too!
(regarding Australian citizens who had recently fled Lebanon’s war zone and arrived in NSW to be given special assistance from Centrelink “in the form of advice… on how to access welfare and housing benefits” and “Centrelink, a bastion of multicultural subservience, had provided the refugees with written advice in Arabic”)
THE JESUS RECKONS:
“Then the King will say to those at his right hand, ‘Come, O blessed of my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world; for I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.’
Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see thee hungry and feed thee, or thirsty and give thee drink? And when did we see thee a stranger and welcome thee, or naked and clothe thee? And when did we see thee sick or in prison and visit thee?’
And the King will answer them, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brethren, you did it to me.’”
THE PARROT’S THOUGHTS:
Iemma: They are Australian citizens.
Jones: Premier, why should they have priority?
Iemma: Alan, the advice that I’ve got is that …
Jones (interjecting): They’re lying to you.
Iemma: …they get assessed against a criteria that every one else gets assessed …
Jones (interjecting): But why do they get priority?
Iemma: Only if they qualify. For example, if the …
Jones (interjecting): No, no, no, no…
Jones “For people in Arabic, for Muslim people, presumably, well, up goes the white flag and we fall and prostrate ourselves to assist these people.”
FINAL VERDICT: The Jesus and Alan Jones are pretty much the same person, and The Big Dude Upstairs In The Sky is no doubt thoroughly chuffed that the sole product of his Holy-invisible-but-nevertheless-potent-sperm his only son is being compared to a spiteful, arrogant little man who has made his large fortune through manipulating the fears of the suburban blue-rinse set and smoking corporate cock.
Though honestly? The story of Alan Jones is really quite a sad one. If he wasn’t so abhorrent and hypocritical and just plain tiresome, I’d feel awfully sorry for him having spent years hiding who he truly is from the braying pack of morons who make up his core audience. But I suppose he felt he had little choice in the matter. After all, he’s spent years training his listeners to hate and resent anyone who happens to be a bit different to them.
Posted by Jess at 7:11 AM Link | Comments (16) | TrackBack (0)