Ryan’s Naughty Finger | Tonight’s Eviction Prediction

The Official Site have published an article about Ryan giving Bree the finger over the weekend - and thank the lord, finally Carmel Hill has something to do since Bree’s eviction!

Shockingly, I think this article is the closest thing we’re going to get to the Big Brother spin doctors saying anything negative about Ryan. Are they finally conscious of the growing public resentment of MLS & Big Brother’s favouritism of Ryan? Are they trying to earn back our love by showing Ryan in a not-all-that-terrible-but-slightly-less-than-angelic light? Little late for that, Big Brother.

Back to Carmel.

Ryan? Competitive? But isn’t he just a carefree Aussie larrikin footy playing heartthrob beer-swilling romantic-yet-bumbling occasionally surly-but-in-a-completely-understandable-way stud muffin who helps old ladies across the road and works part-time as a Scout leader? Big Brother, stop filling my head with crazy ideas that Ryan might actually be “playing the game”. Lord, I hate that phrase.

Eviction Prediction! Tonight’s show? Bree. Then hopefully Ryan will leave, and it’ll be between Trevor and Paul, either of whom I don’t particularly mind winning Big Brother. What do you think is going to happen tonight?

Gretel Clothing Prediction! I see something with some colour on it. Red, I think. Possibly with stripes, more likely a stripes and spot combo. Fur lining somewhere. Hair tied back in a ridiculous fashion. A necklace will feature prominently.

As I am a Pisces, I am heavily psychic. There is no need to consume grains or any other amounts of salt but rather accept my predictions as wholeheartedly as you would the predictions of Athena Starwoman.

Scanned clipping of Graxon

As mentioned on Wednesday, ausculture.com were successful in getting Graxon thrown into a gossip column. Sydney Confidential, to be exact. Below is a scanned clipping from the Daily Telegraph - click to enlarge.

Amazingly, friends of mine last night mentioned Graxon to me in general conversation, not actually realising that it was ausculture.com rather than Sydney Confidential who originated (well, donnie_darko created it, but we adopted it with his permission) the phrase. Hilariously, they had also heard about the Saxon\Gretel duet rumour ausculture.com created, which goes to prove that lying and forgery are rather rewarding pastimes.

I know I’ve mentioned this before, but I find it rather interesting though that neither Telegraph-related articles we’ve been remotely related to (Wednesday’s Graxon appearance in Sydney Confidential & the opinion piece on Francesca Willis from July 8th) have ever bothered to name-check our actual site. How are we expected to quit our day jobs and spend hours on end licking hallucinogenic drugs off the thighs of high-class prostitutes dressed in school uniforms when the world isn’t aware of how brilliant we are? Is there any justice?

July 21, 2004

Graxon Watch!

Sydney Confidential, as promised, have used the word “Graxon” to describe everyone’s favourite May-December romance. Unfortunately, it’s not in the online version of “The Con”, but never fear - I’ll scan the article later tonight and post it online.

Sadly, once again ausculture.com remains itself unmentioned, but that’s okay - personally I wouldn’t mention us either - we are merely messengers from God spreading the gospel of Graxon through out the land. But once it is realised around the world just how interesting we are, expect an appearance on A Current Affair and a tell-all exclusive in Woman’s Day. Right Patrick? After all, I met Collette (of “Ring My Bell” fame) and Patrick has played chess with Barry Manilow*.

Have YOU seen a reference to Graxon anywhere?

Email graxonwatch@ausculture.com and do your part for this ridiculous campaign!

*One of these tales is true.

July 20, 2004

Sydney Confidential - Our New Partners In Crime

I have to admit it - I’d given up on Graxon becoming shorthand for “Saxon & Gretel” in the media. We’d emailed everyone we knew (okay, one newspaper column) and nothing.

But then - today. Not only do we learn that the delightful team of K-Rock 95.5 FM plan on giving our little ol’ Graxon Campaign 2004 a plug on air, but… but… oh, I can hardly contain the excitement! Sydney Confidential wrote back! They’re going to mention Graxon in their column! The world is a beautiful place again! I love exclamation marks! So it seems!

Since they’ve proven themselves to have a sense of humour and a penchant for mischief making, I give Sydney Confidential two thumbs up. Three, if I’d grown up in Chernobyl.

Fiona Connolly, the representative of The Con (as we call them in the biz since, erm… today) did point out though that we link smh.com.au on the front page but not news.com.au. This really should be rectified as I shamelessly steal material from both sites equally. Fiona, we’ll update our links column accordingly - that’s our promise to you from Big W ausculture.com

Faithful Graxon devotees, tomorrow - Wednesday the 21st July - shall forever be etched in our memories as the day we got our chance to shine. Next stop? NW Magazine. Tiffany Dunk, don’t let me down - we were at the same New Years Eve party!

PS: Mike Goldman, this merely cements our contempt for you. Fancy not bothering to reply to Big Brother Bingo! Hiss!

July 19, 2004

Centrebet vs MLS

Just a quick interesting story for you all - Centrebet have stopped betting on Big Brother due to their belief that something fishy is going on with the MLS shirts.

Read the whole story by heading here. Thoughts?

More Cross-Promotion In The House

Ryan and the MLS t-shirt promotion “scandal” has given ausculture.com - and it’s readers - plenty of room for thought. One of those readers, epicurus, has written an amusing little article about other possible cross-promotions we could have seen in the house. Bravo!

If The Playing Field Was Level

• a special report by reader epicurus
  
  IGOR would have a deal brokered with Holden before entering the house. He would be the new “Face of Monaro” for 2004, with a television advertising campaign running simultaneously with his time in the house. Monaros would be used on eviction night, and Igor would wear Holden T’shirts and be allowed to make “vroom vroom” noises every time there was a live cross. As with all housemates, a percentage of profits would go towards the strategic voting kitty.

APHRODITE would have a special deal with the manufacturers of Valium. Every time she went into a fit of hysterical rage or tears, she’d pop a pill in the diary room and come up all smiles. There would be cross promotion at several private psychiatric hospitals.

BREE would have an album of dance/pop remixes released during the first week of the show. She would have music videos on high rotation on Video Hits and a cross promotion deal with Australian Idol.

ASHALEA would have a range of pink apparel available exclusively through Supre. Plus a deal with KFC. Every Wednesday “family dinner” would be KFC, of course. Ashalea’s advertising campaign would be dual - both KFC spots and Supre ads.

KRYSTAL would have several “artistic” magazine shoots released onto newspaper shelves at crucial times during the series. An “instructional lovemaking video” would be released at a strategic time.

WESLEY would be sponsored by the Liberal Party and would be the face of the Medicare campaign. John Howard would imply that Melanie Howard and Wesley were “courting”. Wesley would bring up the topic of “That Latham Goon” every single family dinner.

TERRI would have a sponsorship deal with Adultshop.com. A highlight of live crosses would be “Terri’s Dildo of the week”.

Official diary entry excitement!

Ryan tallies up all the groceries. “We’ve got $1.53 left,” he says. Bree really wants to buy Pizza Shapes but is disappointed when she realises that the HMs are four cents short. “Tragedy,” she says. Paul suggests the HMs buy some carrots so he can barbeque them. Unfortunately, carrots are $1.99. The HMs eventually decide to buy canned mango to eat with cream. “Canned mango, that’ll be sick,” Paul says. Paul and Bree return the whiteboard to the diary room. Bree says: “It’s the best we’ve eaten for weeks.”

Hang on, did I say exciting? I meant tedious. My bad.

Allow me to adopt a David Attenborough voice momentarily, won’t you dears?

(ahem)

The female of the herd, increasingly confident after emerging victorious from territorial battles with other now-departed females, begins behaving aggressively towards the remaining males. Her attempts to dominate them is apparent in her howling and posturing around the enclosure. The males, too scared to defend their honour in her presence, wait till the female is out of sight before signalling anger and annoyance at her behaviour. Tremendously exciting stuff. Later tonight, the males are expected to continue their ritual of howling at the moon - “Yooooooooo’re jooooooooooooooooooooking meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee” - an ancient mating call.

July 18, 2004

Catherine Evicted

Surprising absolutely no one, Catherine was evicted tonight from the Big Brother house. While rumours circulated over the past week that the MLS T-shirt scam would result in Catherine being evicted by an overwhelming majority, in all honesty I don’t think Catherine would have stayed on at the expense of Paul & Ryan regardless.

One thing I did notice though was that she didn’t receive nearly as many votes as I thought she would (not that I dislike her particularly, but you know what I mean). She gathered 41% of the vote, with the runner up on 30-something per cent, and someone else on 20-something.

And bless - her kids are quite sweet. I had a little giggle when her son asked if he could have the day off school and mouthed a “Yes!!!” when Catherine said he could. I think Gretel was losing patience though - when she asked them to go up to the car and the kids responded “Why?” I half-expected her to reply “Because I told you so, that’s why!”

She also got surly with the audience continuing to make noise a few times. Perhaps Saxon isn’t fulfilling her needs? Perhaps afternoons of group masturbation leave him shattered and too exhausted to make the beast with two backs with our beloved host? We can only guess. Personally, I’ll give you the hot tip and say that I highly rate Graxon - she’s a top bird and he’s a good bloke, and if they end up getting hitched, it’ll be massive. You’re jooooking me!

Various Big Brother Malarkey

Another day, another girl crying over Ryan it seems. Fer-ryzie got B-reezer offside with a passing comment this week when he told Trevor and Paul (in front of and regarding Bree) he’d “…root one of you blokes first, I’ll give you the hot tip”

This upset poor Bree, who’s been craving some Ryan love since early on in the series, and once again Ryan was left apologising to a female housemate for comments made while under the influence. He insisted that if Bree were able to watch the goodbye messages he’s recorded over the last few weeks, she’d see just how much he cares for her.

More interestingly than this fight is that after saying his apologies, later on Ryan walked by a sleeping Bree and stuck his finger up at her. Hmmmmm. I wonder if that’s what his video goodbyes consisted of too?

Chrissie and Ben continue their weekly commentary, this time answering a few questions about Ryan & Ash, housemate paranoia and the all important “Who’s gonna win the million?” Chrissie makes a passing comment that this year’s housemates “are a lot savvier than we were I think.” From memory, I think the only naive housemates were those in the original series of Big Brother - everyone since has been pretty clued up about the media frenzy that follows Big Brother contestants.

Finally, smh.com.au have done a write up on Ryan and the MLS scandal. You can read it here. I know this is a rather random comment, but am I the only one beginning to think that Ryan’s mate’s are cashing in on his fame? Just from watching them on Big Brother eviction shows and Today Tonight, I get this overwhelming feeling that they’re confusing Ryan’s popularity with the public for public love of the entire MLS gang. Of course, anything that helps you get laid…

The Spin Continues aka The Uncut Special

with special guest commentator epicurus

In retrospect, I was chuffed that circumstances led to me taping this show rather than watching it last night. The scripted segments were quite painful indeed, and my fast-forward thumb started cramping up by the end. Surprisingly, the show was fairly dull and repetitious. Particularly surprising, given the amount of controversy that surrounds the series this season, which Kris Noble is probably really struggling to keep under the carpet by now.

The Ryan bias continues unabated. Many (most?) of the evicted housemates have indicated someone other than Ryan as the “funniest housemate” when newly deposited upon the eviction couch. Usually Trevor. Nonetheless, Ryan pulled a veritable Lord of The Rings effort and dominated proceedings throughout.

As an aside: this was very possibly the first face to face encounter between Terri and Aphrodite since her “gutted rabbit” comments.

Sadly, the stage full of the evicted housemates didn’t erupt into an all-in chairfest reminiscent of Jerry Springer at his best. However, Terri and Aphrodite were clearly seated beyond spitting range. Or nail range, for that matter.

Hurrah and thank you to our friend epicurus for such a delightful article! Do you think that YOU could write something fairly amusing and insightful about Big Brother? If so, then email me (check out the About page for contact details) and if it’s good enough\relevant enough\witty enough we’ll be honoured to publish it.

July 17, 2004

A Massively Disturbing Epidemic

It would appear that the Massive Epidemic that struck down all Big Brother housemates in Australia this year has been unknowingly carried over to Europe. According to Ananova, Britain’s very own Big Brother contestant Stuart did a little diary room confessing the other day.

I hope all ausculture.com send their best wishes and prayers over Stu’s direction. We can only hope that Stu, so far the only British housemate infected with Massive-itis Disease, manages to avoid spreading the illness amongst the remaining healthy housemates.

Bree & Ryan & Monica

So - Bree can’t stop talking about Monica, eh? Well, there are a number of reasons I can think of as to why that would be the case.

Firstly, Bree does sort of fancy Ryan, so she was never going to be overly thrilled about Monica. The fact that Monica had a boyfriend and still behaved the way she did towards Ryan would only cement Bree’s idea that Monica “isn’t right” for Ryan.

Secondly, Monica got a parting shot in at Bree right before she was evicted and that’s left Bree feeling like she has been cheated out of a chance to defend herself. Nonetheless, she’s constantly trying to defend herself regardless to the other housemates but can’t get any satisfaction out of it since Monica’s not there to admit she’s wrong or apologise.

Finally though - Bree (and I hate to say this) is noticeably different since surviving eviction. She’s not evil or anything - she is just displaying a lot more confidence in what she’s able to say or do than she used to before her false eviction. She also probably sensed during her eviction show with Gretel that the audience were not warm towards Monica, so perhaps unconsciously she’s willing to bad mouth Monica in the house believing that the public won’t dislike her for it - hell, they’ll probably support her!

Anyway - that’s all boring, isn’t it, compared to the picture below. Perhaps I’m just a dirty girl (“Yes” - everyone who’s met me) but Ryan’s hand looks to be cradling Bree’s noo-noo… non?

July 16, 2004

Exclusive picture - hidden from the public

With voting screw-ups, widespread suspicion of vote-rigging and failing to air ausculture.com bingo on “Up Late” - Big Brother are perhaps starting to fall short of giving the public what they really desire.

ausculture.com has uncovered something far more disturbing - some key footage from the household is being withheld. This footage was not displayed on any of the live streams. Not even via one of those fancy “3” phones that all the other people have.

An inside source has leaked a picture to us of a key moment in the evolution of Big Brother this year. We have it, others do not.

So, before I completely kill the already slim chances this has of getting a laugh - view this key moment in Big Brother 2004 (shamefully exclusive to ausculture.com)

July 15, 2004

Ryan, MLS, BBBA & Today Tonight

As many of you probably know, tonight Josh from Behind Big Brother was on Today Tonight - erm - tonight actually, talking about the MLS t-shirt sales that are funding Ryan’s stay in the house. Here are my thoughts on the whole thing.

I’ve mentioned quite a few times on here that I don’t want Ryan to win Big Brother for quite a few reasons. At first, my reasoning was that I’m sick of predictable winners, and Ryan has been the favourite to win the competition since the word go.

After a while, the blatant favouritism by Big Brother towards Ryan became apparent and I thought “God, I don’t really want to give Southern Star\Endemol the ending they want simply because it’s meant to be my choice as a viewer who wins.”

I believe it was epicurus (ausculture.com commenter, not the Greek) who noted regarding this year’s ridiculously biased production that when the producers get overly involved in manipulating the way the show evolves over the season, the entire point behind the show is lost. The slogan used to be “You decide” but series four seems to have changed it to “Kris Noble decides”

But the straw that finally broke the camels back’s for me was the realisation that Ryan’s MLS shirts were being sold to fund his stay in the house. At first, it seems like a smart thing for his mates to do - as Ryan’s mum said on Today Tonight, “Good on them”.

Looking further into the issue, however, and it is revealed that the shirts are being sold at Dreamworld, where the Big Brother house is situated. Sounding slightly more dodgy? And they’re being sold because of their new popularity through Ryan wearing the t-shirts constantly in the Big Brother house, effectively advertising the shirts every weeknight to a huge audience. Dodgier. And then we come to the fact that housemates are discouraged from wearing (obviously) branded clothing, and one is forced to wonder - how can Big Brother producers allow one housemate to wear a brand of clothing in the house, sell the brand at the actual Dreamworld site, and use the money to fund his stay in the house? How is this possibly fair on the other housemates? Whether or not it’s breaking any “technical” rules of the house, it doesn’t sit well with me. Ideally, I’d love for it to be a waste of time for them with Ryan missing out on the million and someone who hasn’t had such a bankroll behind them winning.

How do we know all this stuff about the MLS shirts - indeed, how do we know about most of the production’s dirty laundry? It’s thanks to sites like Behind Big Brother.

It’s important to remember that Behind Big Brother is a fan site - it’s not obligated to report on the goings on in the house like the Official Site, it doesn’t have the resources of other media outlets (but gets the scoops regardless), and it is run by people who take time out of their daily lives to give fans an alternative to the propaganda packed Official Site.

Recently BBBA forum users argued over whether the site itself, after complaining about bias on the Official Site and in the editing of the show, was guilty of exactly the same thing after it launched a campaign to evict Ryan. Shortly afterwards, a moderator posted an article online claiming the Herald-Sun’s gossip column The Eye had plagiarised them after the paper published an opinion piece regarding Bree’s eviction and host Gretel Killeen’s “encouraging” of viewers to vote out the “boring” housemates which expressed similar thoughts as an article posted on BBBA earlier. Fans were divided as to whether “ego” had gotten in the way of Big Brother commentary.

The site isn’t perfect - hell, what website is? - but it’s an alternative and a pretty great one at that. The Official Site closed down it’s forums this year, leaving many fans without a place to talk about the show (and there I was thinking audience interaction and participation was a key element of the show?). Lucky then that BBBA provides a forum for it’s readers to chat and debate.

All in all, I think the MLS t-shirt controversy has highlighted the importance of fansites. Yes, BBBA makes mistakes. As does ausculture.com. As do most sites who don’t have the luxuries of time, money and resources to utilise while writing news and commentary. But let’s appreciate what we do have and thank our lucky stars that Big Brother and his team of lackeys aren’t able to pull the wool over our eyes - at least, not completely.

It’s been a disappointing year, and I don’t think the choice of housemates are to blame (at least, not completely). Big Brother has insulted its viewers through heavy handed editing, over-involvement (since when did Gretel tell us who we should vote for?) and an Official Site which is worth reading purely to study modern propaganda techniques. It’ll take a hell of a lot of work to repair the damage done this year, and I’m not entirely sure there’s enough time for them to it.

July 13, 2004

Big Brother Speculation

smh.com.au really hasn’t been all that interested in Big Brother this year, other than when the “big stuff” occurs - Merlin’s protest, Bree’s re-entry, etc. Generally, all newspaper articles I link to regarding the show come straight from news.com.au who are willing to publish five hundred word stories online as soon as someone in the house farts. Imagine my surprise to discover that smh.com.au are actually experts!

I don’t mean to tease ‘em. It’s just they have seem rather disinterested, and possibly for good reason. Big Brother can be dicey during the best of years, but who’d want to bother constantly reporting on a Kris Noble production? (“Us.” - News Ltd, ausculture.com, Behind Big Brother…)

Anyways, I’ll let you check out the run down of the final five for yourself, and I’d be curious as to what feedback you have regarding it. Are they correct in their summations or hideously and grotesquely wrong?

July 12, 2004

Graxon Campaign - On The Move

After swearing a sacred oath a few days ago to campaign relentlessly until the word “Graxon” is automatically associated with Big Brother’s most delightful May-December romance, it is my honour to show you proof that I am true to my word.

Below is an email I sent to Sydney Confidential on Sunday evening to try and encourage them to begin using the term. Have they written back? Have they begun using the term? No, my dears, and frankly I’m feeling hurt and betrayed.

Seriously - whose arse do you have to kiss in order to start a craze in the media? Clearly, this second snubbing of ausculture.com (the first being by the Up Late team) simply cements my theory that we are a rubbish website of no consequence. My mighty heart is breaking. I’ll be in the Humvee.

PS: Don’t let ausculture.com’s miserable failure at pleading with the Sydney Confidential team stop YOU from doing your duty! Feel free to email the newspaper column yourself and beg them to take our cause to the masses.

Tonight’s Nominations

The last nomination show ever - how positively thrilling! And yet there’s not all that much to say really except “See ya, Catherine! Thanks for the memories!”

Oh - and Gretel was unintentionally hilarious tonight.

Excited voice - “And with the most votes tonight - Paul!”
Near whisper - “Oh and Ryan might have tied with four points too.”

And to briefly sum up everything else - Monica is an idiot, Bree still fancies Ryan a little, Ashalea will join Channel 7’s Girl TV team, and Wes is the quintessential Young Liberal but rather nice regardless.

Gretel Clothing Summary!
On her way to a nightclub with Saxon after borrowing clothes from his female school chums!

A quick poll

On a scale of 1 to 5, how do you feel about Monica’s eviction?

1. I’m taking it with a grain of salt
2. Mildly amused
3. Quite pleased
4. Massively impressed
5. Absolutely ecstatic

Update: With 148 votes today, the most popular choice was easily “Massively impressed.” Thanks everyone, voting is closed.

Note: poll may not be representative of actual public opinion. Also, the voting script still needs some work.

The Difference Between Mon & Ash

Thanks to Anny Phillips for pointing this out.

Ashalea Shock, surprise, disappointment

Monica Visit to proctologist, cactus jammed into anus

That is all.

July 11, 2004

Tonight’s Double Eviction - Monica & Ashalea

What a big night for Big Brother fans, eh? Tonight was the double eviction, and shocking no one, Monica was the first to get booted (and by a pretty “massive” margin too - she got 43% of the vote, her nearest rival at the time merely with 13%).

A brief pre-eviction chat with Gretel in the diary room simply confirmed that Monica wasn’t going to last much longer - not even fifteen minutes longer, in fact. When Gretel had asked all the other housemates who they wouldn’t like to see win the million dollars, they all refused to answer. However when the question was posed to Monica, she quickly replied “Bree” - and got an earful of booing from the audience for her trouble.

After Monica had her name read out by Gretel, I was half expecting Ryan to switch into Saxon mode - blubbering and asking for his mummy - but thankfully it appeared his mind was mostly on the next eviction and although sad, he didn’t get too mushy when Monica said goodbye. We do have something to be thankful for - no Jeff Buckley lyrics were uttered (or at least not loud enough for me to hear.)

A subdued (but luckily for her, no longer booing) audience greeted Monica when she arrived at the eviction stage. Gretel was friendly enough but even her positive spin on Monica’s last two weeks wasn’t enough to wipe the audience’s memories of the manipulative, shrewd intruder that was Monica. When asked who her least favourite housemate was, Monica replied “Bree” though for the life of me, I can’t think of anything Bree’s done to deserve Monica’s obvious dislike of her. Sure, when Bree left, Monica had her best chance at fitting in with the girls and become the “buddy” of the guys , but it’s hardly Bree’s fault she was wrongly evicted and had to re-enter the house so why take it out on her?

Oh and another thing - everyone called Wes boring, but Monica’s footage of the past two weeks was more fucking dull than watching paint dry on the Popstars Live stage. Other than her attempts to slut about with Ryan, did she do anything remotely worth watching?

Time for a second eviction! My only real hope was that the second evictee wouldn’t be Bree, since it would be horrible for her to have bothered re-entering the house only to be swiftly evicted again. I thought the evictee would probably be Catherine, possibly be Bree, and hopefully be Ryan (simply for something unexpected). I really did not expect Ashalea’s name called out.

Now I’ve got to be honest with you, I don’t understand myself at all. At first, I wanted to strangle Ashalea. Then I tolerated her but thought she was over-acting a bit. Suddenly, out of nowhere - I began to like her. No matter what you can say about Ashalea, her emotions were always genuine, and she was one of the few housemates to stand up to Fer-ryzie (even if her comparison of her & Merlin’s situation to Ryan & Monica’s situation was rather off-target). She was never boring - frustrating at times, certainly, but never dull. Some of the great laughs this year were due to Ashalea (being pelted by balls, being thrown in the pool, being frightened by Trevor, being stuck in the chest) and that’s a pretty cool thing to have on your Big Brother resume. Better than being known as The Whinger, The Feral Bloke, The Cryer, The Bitch, and The Wannabe SNAG, that’s for sure!

So when Ashalea’s name was called out, and her face immediately fell - hell, even I was feeling terrible! She was never in it for the money, and that endeared her to me more than a few other housemates (who may or may not have been evicted tonight also - ahem) who might have university degrees and common sense.

Gretel liked Ashalea too - before Ash went on stage, I said to my housemates “You watch - Gretel likes Ash, so she’ll hold her hand” and sure enough, some hand holding ensured. Ahh Gretel, you’re the mum Australia never had - and some of us had sex with. Actually, just Saxon. I feel ill (despite my support of Graxon).

As per usual, we got to see Ash’s best footage from inside the house, and if you were ever in doubt to her importance in the house, the reel should have cleared you of it. She was funny, she was endearing, she was at times incredibly ignorant and at other times incredibly sharp. Most importantly - she improved immensely after Merlin left the house and she could focus less on pursuing him and more on being herself.

Finally, Ashalea was one of the few housemates who the “Guess what I have in this envelope” question wasn’t completely useless on. I mean, geeez - there’s a great big Mitsubishi logo on the envelope and it sounds just like a pair of keys, what on earth could it be?

This eviction though, Gretel did it well. She reminded Ashalea of her remark in the house that when she left Big Brother, she’d like to save up and buy a Mitsubishi Lancer (though if she said any other car, I’m sure she would have been overdubbed). When Gretel pulled out the envelope and handed Ashalea the keys, Ash was the first evictee not to act like “Oh, a car, whatever… now where’s the nearest Neighbours casting agent?” - she began sobbing with joy right away and actually made you feel glad that someone was finally grateful for all that they’d received as prizes for sitting on their arse for weeks.

Ashalea, I don’t know how you did it, but you broke me down. I like you, dammit. Thanks for being an entertaining housemate. Now scoot down to the local library, pull out a geography book and get reading - I want to see you on Half-Arsed-Celebrity Who Wants To Me A Millionaire doing a Molly Meldrum.

Gretel Clothing Summary!
Drunk bridesmaid, with a dash of brothel!

July 9, 2004

Oooh! We’re Launching A Movement!

So I’m perusing the BBBA forums when a flash of brilliance jumps out at me from the screen. What, you might ask? Well, it’s a new way to refer to Saxon & Gretel. I cannot believe I didn’t think of it myself. But kudos to donnie_darko from the BBBA forums for inventing “Graxon”

From now on, auscuture.com refuse to refer to the couple as anything but Graxon. I hope you guys take it up too. Hopefully we will then launch the phrase into the media where it will be used with aggravating frequency in gossip columns. Graxon! It’s terrible! It’s hideous! It’s here to stay.

If you feel as strongly towards this pointless issue as we do, then feel free to place the below picture on your site. Together, we can convince Sydney Confidential to begin to use the term “Graxon”.

Wesley Evicted

Poor old Wesley. Even being evicted hasn’t convinced the Big Brother Official Site’s writers from having a dig at him. In possibly the least friendly description of a housemate I can remember, the OS have posted their Wesley Eviction article with a minimum of fuss, probably hoping to wash their hands of him and have him gone.

According to the article, Wes had a tanned chest. Yes, he did. Then they tell us that early on, there was talk of him flying under the radar - and they link to their own article! Yes, Big Brother, there was talk of that - and the ball started rolling when you gave it an almighty shove.

He was “inoffensive” and “innocuous”, and did you know he only voted for girls up until Week 9? At that point he “suddenly turned 2 points on Ryan.” Am I the only one who finds that an interesting choice of words? Take out the “2 points” and you have what the BB site really thinks.

I expect to see a similar thing written in Ashalea’s eviction article, Big Brother. How about you mention how well he handled being told last? How Wes always had a smile on his face and something positive to say? How he kept Ashalea uplifted when she was feeling down about being the last told about the secret by making “the last in Australia to know!” jokes?

Sure, he asked an anonymous question at a family dinner and didn’t own up to it. Well, don’t allow them to ask anonymous questions if you plan on vilifying them afterwards. He had a tendency to offer people he nominated a hug after they were upset about being up for eviction - I seem to recall you turning Johnnie into a bastard for doing the same thing.

Well, Big Brother, since you force housemates to say hateful things about each other when they nominate in order to get enough material for your nominations show, don’t be surprised when people feel the need to exaggerate their feelings towards a housemate in order to get through Monday without a strike. Don’t be surprised afterwards when they see a housemate they really do like feeling terrible about their nomination and give them some comfort. What would you rather - everytime someone nominated another housemate, they went through the week throwing stones and swearing at them?

Wes was a great guy. He was nice, occasionally quite funny, friendly and warm. I don’t care what slanted footage you show of him on your program or what nonsense articles you post on your Official Site - I know that last night I witnessed a top bloke leaving the Big Brother house and while I wouldn’t have voted for him to win, I still believe he deserved an eviction where he wasn’t made to look like a dickhead.

Don Juan De Yawn

Is it a day ending with “y”? Yes? Ooooh! Then time for another article about Fer-ryzie on the official site! Hurrah hurrah and all that jazz!

This time, it’s an article on Fer-ryzie’s romantic side. Which consists of destroying Jeff Buckley lyrics for thousands of fans and making the occasional creepy fetish reference to a girl’s shoulders from what I’ve seen but what do I know? Nothin’ it seems - hell, the Official Site still hasn’t felt like changing their score aggregate of popularity to reflect Ryan’s genuine result in every day mathematics, so it’s clear it lives in it’s on cocooned version of reality.

“Didja see my scores on the popularity polls before you went in the house, Mon?” Just a guess.

Ryan & Ashalea Fight

Last night during Up Late, Ryan and Ashalea apparently had a massive blow up at each other. Typical. The night I stay up and watch the entire show they’re all asleep. I have one early night and there’s some actual excitement. Sigh.

The fight started after Ryan poked fun at Ashalea eating a fourth serving of toast and cheese, and then began baiting her until she finally blew up at him. Huge issue mate, way to pick your battles. I won’t go into the whole thing here -why? Because instead you can read an excellent recap from BBBA’s vibes by clicking here.

Now for my two cents. Some of you might remember a while ago I commented on Ryan’s flash of temper when he spoke to Gretel one eviction night. You also might remember my comments regarding Knifegate. I think Ryan is a great bloke and everything, but that temper - it’s ice cold, and it’s always aimed at girls.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not calling him a potential wife basher or anything - I can only speculate about his temper because all I know of Ryan is what I’ve seen on screen. However, I have seen this kinda thing happen before in my own life - guys that are nice as pie to everyone, but when they do lose it, it’s always directed at a woman. They’re not evil incarnate, just rather insecure.

Again, I can only speculate, but from what I’ve seen Bree would not make a good match for Ryan because she’s got too much spunk of her own (fiestiness, you perverts, she doesn’t keep a collection of semen in jars or anything!). It doesn’t surprise me in the least that Ryan was attracted to Monica - not only was she physically his ideal, she was also the kind of trophy wife girl I’d imagine Ryan is looking for. Always agreeable? Sweet, subdued, obedient? The future Mrs Fer-ryzie!

It’s also telling that after all his arguments with Krystal and their obvious clash of personalities, he still selected her over girls he bonded with far more as one of his pick of housemates to date (Monica being the other). It might just be the fact she has marvellous tits, however I suspect it’s because at twenty seven he still fundementally thinks of women as objects, despite insisting he’s sensitive blah blah blah (cue Jeff Buckley quote).

Well, that’s just a few things that I’ve been thinking about since readeing about the fight, and I thought I might as well share will you. Ryan-fans, before you comment that Ryan is hilarious, remember - I don’t disagree with you. And I also don’t disagree with the fact that everyone has their faults and flashes of temper. It’s just…

a) I find it interesting that Ryan’s temper has never been directed at a male, not once.
b) I like to pretend I’m Carmel Hill in my spare time (in a completely unqualified sense).

PS: It’s worth noting that Ashalea may have hit the nail on the head when she told Ryan “This is why you don’t have a girlfriend, ‘cause you’re so fucking agro!”

Monica Dumped!

According to Sydney Confidential, Monica has already been dumped by her hunky younger man. Gasp! Didn’t see that one coming! It would appear that Monica’s heartfelt conversations about Joe in between fondling sessions with Ryan just wasn’t enough to keep her boyfriend from ending things.

I can only hope that Big Brother somehow gets a message through to Monica letting her know there’s nothing to stop her giving Ryan a ‘rub n tug’ of her own before she gets booted on Sunday. One last chance for Uncut glory, Big Brother! Do something with it!

Meanwhile, according to the same article, Gretel showed some nip-nip on Wednesday night’s Uncut - I’m gutted I taped over the show! No wait, I’m not. Carry on.

July 8, 2004

Disappointed, Big Brother

Just a quick note about tonight’s daily show that I thought I’d sneak in before the eviction special. Last night on Up Late, Mike Goldman referred to Ryan having a hissyfit at Big Brother over failing the task and being asked to redo it. Unusual for Big Brother to put a negative spin on Ryan, don’t you think? And, after watching tonight’s footage, totally unreasonable.

What DID Big Brother expect the housemates to talk about? Why weren’t their revelations good enough for him? What, Kris - expecting some kinky sex stories you could use in the abysmal Uncut hour? Tough fucking luck.

As someone who went through a parents divorce and still carries a lot of baggage about it, I can appreciate how difficult it was for Trevor and Wesley to open up about their feelings regarding their parents, especially knowing that not only was it for the consumption of their fellow housemates but also the Australian public.

Ryan was absolutely right - what more did Big Brother want from them in that task? Blood? They did what you wanted. They passed the task fair and square. Just because you (and the vast majority of the Australian audience) have realised that this season of Big Brother has been a general disappointment does not give you the right to use food as a bargaining tool to gain gratuitous tales of their history so you can knock out a one hour special.

Bad form, Big Brother, bad form indeed. I’m extremely disappointed and yet not terribly surprised. Next time, don’t paint a housemate as a spoiled whinger when what they’re complaining about is a legitimate gripe towards Big Brother producers.

Later - Upon reflection, it probably wasn’t Trevor or Wesley’s fault the task wasn’t deemed as passable. I mean, as fascinating as stories of Ryan’s knee and football career are, I don’t think your indecision as to whether or not to go back to football was the biggest revelation you could give us, Fer-ryzie. Bless.

Catherine’s Revival?

Good lord, there’s been a complete turn around for Catherine on the Official Site’s popularity poll overnight. Perhaps yesterdays daily & Uncut shows, which displayed footage of her enjying a bit of a giggle and having some fun (in between the usual Monica & Ryan garbage), was enough to encourage fans to get behind her?

I can only speculate. What I do know is that her popularity jumped to 14% from 3% the day before by the early hours of this morning. This was at the expense of previous top dogs Fer-ryzie (knocked down to 12%), and to a lesser extent Trever (16%) and Paul (17%). Bree stayed steady at 22%.

The popularity poll figures have evened up as today wore on, with Bree still in the lead (23%), Trevor second (19%), Paul a close third (18%) and Ryan a little up (14%). Catherine’s steadied herself on 7% which is still a noticable improvement on her previous popularity poll results.

NB: All these figures are taken after viewing the results by day, not weekly or by series

Mike G & The Up Late Team - Off The Christmas Card List

Heart wrenching, it truly is. For some bizarre reason, Mike Goldman & Co have decided against giving a rubbish website free advertising with no benefit to the Big Brother team or Channel Ten. Astonishing.

I even wrote a nice email and everything!

Well, that’s it then. World domination attempt aborted.

Damn you, Mike G, damn you for crushing a young girls dreams.

July 7, 2004

Housemate Investigation Results - Wesley

In the vein of similar upstanding, integrity-filled current affairs sources Today Tonight and A Current Affair, ausculture.com have launched an investigation into the Big Brother housemate’s pasts and have discovered many interesting and previously unknown facts which we have decided MUST be brought to the public’s attention.

First to be investigated was Wesley. Here at ausculture.com, we began to wonder about him - after all, Big Brother wouldn’t launch an unofficial “Evict Wesley!” campaign for no reason, right?

Spot on - Wesley’s past contains more filth and debauchery and evil than an episode of Models Inc. Amongst the many disturbing Wesley facts we have discovered, two stand out as especially heinous. Take a look at the photos below.

Wesley has often claimed that he was the captain of his high school. Our evidence proves otherwise. It turns out Wesley WAS a captain of sorts - the captain of a little boat that made big waves in 2001 when it sailed into Australian waters. As you can see, it was Wesley himself who tried to throw children and helpless babies into the water during the Children Overboard crisis. Does this man have no conscience?

If that wasn’t enough for you to lurch at the very mention of Wesley’s name, our second photo should do the trick. Delving into Wesley’s history has lead us to the discovery that Wesley was a high ranking officer in the Third Reich, and considered the “unofficial right hand man” for the diabolical Adolf Hitler.

All of this helps us to understand why Big Brother felt the need to launch an attack on Wesley’s character in the Big Brother house. It is clear that they too have discovered his worrying and disgusting past, and they are trying to get him out of the house (and thus keep the remaining angelic housemates out of harm’s way) without making him aware they know his secrets.

No doubt authorities will be waiting for him at the eviction stage doors, and instead of a Mistubishi Lancer, Wes will receive life behind bars. We can only hope.

In the meantime, ausculture.com will continue it’s brave investigation into the housemate’s histories, and we’ll get back to you once we’ve dug some more dirt.

Our Attempt At World Wide Domination

Ahem. Under the influence of our marvellous readers, I have decided that ausculture.com will be sending our Big Brother Bingo! drinking games to the Up Late team. Be sure to tune in tonight to see if we get a plug or instead just get rebuffed and ignored in favour of emails from thirteen year olds that say “i luv u 4eva mikey g lol! omg u r so funee!”

If anyone has one of those snazzy computer-programs-that-take-snapshots-of-stuff-on-the-telly, be sure to have it ready and capture the moment if indeed ausculture.com get a mention.

And be sure to return here tomorrow to begin the bitching and moaning when we’re promptly ignored despite fame-whoring ourselves! Grrrrrrr. Don’t ignore me Mike!

Big Brother Uncut Bingo! Added

Inspired by yesterdays Big Brother Bingo! creation, you can now play Uncut Bingo! as well. Thankfully, since Uncut is the same footage every week, you’ll be able to play our Uncut Bingo! during any Wednesday night show. Probably even next season’s Uncut as well.

As before, right click and save target on the thumb nail below.

Now, some of you might have noticed that it was suggested we send in our original Bingo! game to Mike Goldman and the Up Late crew. Now that there’s two, should we send in this one, or the first one? Or should I change the first one from Kris Noble abuse to a drinking game? Questions, questions, too many questions, you want a shard? Here!*

*C’mon, someone’s gotta know which movie I’m quoting…

“Homework First, Then Shagging All Night Long”

Awwwwww, bless them to bits! The Herald Sun has declared Saxon is Gretel’s perfect man after he matched most of the criteria Gretel laid out a few years back.

Even more adorably, they reference rumours about Saxon doing his homework in her dressing room while Gretel hosts the Big Brother show. Ha!

And it is these rumours that have our Gretel in a bit of a tizzy. You see, the story about the homework IS true. What Gretel’s worried about is which behind the scenes Big Brother employee has broken the confidentiality agreements signed by all insiders to ensure stuff like this doesn’t emerge from the camp.

Oddly, while everyone in the country knows the two are a couple, Gretel is confirming everything but that. She references him and the rumours in nearly every appearance she makes, but yet is steadfast in refusing to say “I am shagging a twenty year old”. For god’s sake, Gretel - you are an inspiration to 40-something divorcees everywhere! Stand up loud and proud and say “It is I, Gretel Killeen, who gets to see Saxon spunk - no longer his group of masturbating buddies! At least, not as often!”

Here at ausculture.com we’re still avoiding the visualising, but in theory we’re incredibly supportive to your younger man shagging, even if we might have chosen a different model of toy boy. Saxon, show that woman a good time - stat!

NooOOOooo!

Say it isn’t so! According to fresh rumours dug up by the BBBA team, it is Paul and not Wesley who will be evicted on Thursday night! Wesley received the second highest amount of votes, but Paul beat him to the front position. Christ, they must have really fucked up in order to have had Bree evicted, considering she wasn’t even first or second choice?!

I’ve still got my fingers crossed for a surprise evictee like Ryan.

July 6, 2004

Bree’s Back! | Nominations To Stay

Bree re-entered the house tonight (I’m sure in the background of the set there was a puntastic phrase on the screens saying “Bree-entering” or something like that) to the delight of Ashalea and Catherine, the amusement of Paul, and the astonishment of the others.

No doubt this puts a dampener on Monica’s fiendish plan to hypnotise the female housemates with her dazzling smile and continuous use of the phrase “I totally agree…” leading to a usurping of the role of Mother Duck in Bree’s absence thus simultaneously winning the heart of Ryan, her boyfriend Jo and the Australian public. Hurrah says I, to the foiling of this imaginary plot!

Of course, before Bree went back in 95% of the show had been dedicated to ensuring the public realised Legion Interactive were responsible for the fuck up in tallying votes - you could almost see the red dot on the forehead of the sweating Legion Interactive CEO as Big Brother snipers stood by and waited to see if he’d finish the carefully prepared “It was all us, I promise, and by the way Kris Noble is really good in bed” speech. How very Phone Booth!

Gretel is rapidly turning into Ray Martin this year, conducting hard hitting interviews with evictees and screw ups seemingly every second week. To be fair, Ray probably has better hair, and I dare say he’d look rather fetching in that platinum blonde fringe number Gretel wore a month and a bit ago.

During the show, wacky Big Brother also took nomination votes from the housemates - even though he knew they wouldn’t be counted! Because it’s a double eviction and everyone’s up! Oh Kris, you so cra-zee!

The official site (and it’s a reliable news source, honest… oh, I can’t lie to you, look at that punnam!) has published all the facts and figures as to who would have been nominated for eviction, and which housemates were also given points to stay in the house.

Interestingly, Paul received the most positive points, and no negative points at all, while Monica received the most negative points and no positive points. Ha! Even more interestingly however is the Big Brother site’s mathematical skills when it comes to it’s beloved Fer-ryzie! Now, correct me if I’m wrong (and I may well be, I did Maths In Space - and slept through it) but 3 - 5 = -2, doesn’t it? Not if you’re Kris Noble or one of his henchmen! According to the stats below (taken from a screenshot of the official site), 3 - 5 is actually +2 when it comes to Ryan. Ingenious. And to think, people say the site is biased - for shame, doubters, for shame.

Anyway, let’s get back to Bree. She arrived back in the house to the sheer delight of Ashalea who just couldn’t get over Bree’s straightened locks and how pretty she looked. Later tonight, Ash told Bree she saw Ryan looking at the new improved chicken fillet with a bit of a “phwoaar!” expression. Monica has already begun sharpening the knives, I reckon.

The rest of the housemates were in shock. And that’s just the beginning of things, according to respected and rather saucy minx-like psychologist Carmel Hill. According to the Carmster, the housemates will no doubt begin to feel anger, but thankfully they should be aiming that towards Big Brother. What, like the public has been over the series?

Finally, I should mention two things. One - Bree’s brilliant call to Gretel about Ashalea - “It’s probably going to take me a week to explain to Ash why I’m back in the house”. Caused quite the guffaw at our place, I can assure you. Second - since returning to the house today, Bree’s popularity on the official site’s poll has skyrocketed. Seriously. She’s now far in front of the pack, sitting comfortably on 26%, while her nearest rival Trevor is on 18%. Could this be the beginning of Bree “hitting her straps” (to paraphrase Idol’s Dicko) just in time? We wait and see, babycakes, we wait and see.

Play Big Brother Bingo!

I’ve noticed lately that our Big Brother Blogfest is becoming vastly devoid of fun, and overflowing with serious opinion pieces. That sucks, don’t you think? I do. Serious opinion pieces are for serious blog writers, and I have no aspirations in that direction.

Thus, as a token of my promise to turn over a new leaf, feel free to download our Big Brother Bingo! drinking game! The rules are dead easy, and there’s really no point to it, so naturally it’s ausculture.com - old skool stylez. Word. Just right click and save target whilst hovering over the picture below.

Meanwhile, tomorrow I’m flashing back to the way things were a month or so ago and doing another Best Of The Big Brother Diary special like we used to. Snide remarks and mocking galore. Should be a blast!

Later… Edited to relfect Wilko’s brilliant drinking game idea.

July 5, 2004

Bree Wrongly Evicted

You fucking muppets. There I was last night thinking that Bree’s eviction might be the only exciting and unexpected event of this years Big Brother (not that I was glad she left, I quite liked her) and the whole thing was a bloody mistake!

Which is good, I guess, for Bree - and hey, in theory she’ll be on a bit more even ground with Monica, since she’ll have an idea about the outside world and how the voting is going, so it could work out to be miiiiiighty interesting.

The bad thing about this situation is that the correct evictee will be ousted on Thursday night - and that evictee is Wesley, according to the original news.com.au article about Bree’s eviction which appears to have been replaced by the above article. And that means our “damn the man!” plan failed. Boo! Hiss!

But let’s look on the bright side. Bree and her chicken fillets of public opinion are our best bet to getting St Monica of Sincerity ousted from the house. No doubt Big Brother will have her under a long list of conditions to re-enter the compound, but I think Bree is cluey enough to get around any of these and start putting up a decent fight to reclaim Ryan from the dark side before it’s too late.

Question Do you think Bree will have an unfair advantage now at getting the million? Should she have been forced to stay out? Or regardless, should the housemate who would have been evicted be given a respite and allowed to stay on until they are nominated again?

Big brother advice for the children

Ralph magazine - you know, the one that with makeup and digital enhancement smoothes skin complexion to the poin of absurdity - is sporting Krystal on the cover of their next issue. I’m sure the pictures are copyright or something but you can have a look at the article on bigbrother.com.au.

While we’re on the subject, I suggest everyone go check out the exciting (read:boring and dead) thread on the ralph magazine message board.

Now for the advice. Considering it’s every young girls dream to appear on the cover of Ralph magazine - and not New Scientist - I strongly suggest that young girls everywhere start training for Big Brother auditions. Don’t believe me? Ask your careers advisor.

July 3, 2004

“I’m just an idiot” - You’re not wrong.

Urgh. In the continuing saga of Ryan and Monica (a love story unwittingly causing thousands of Big Brother watchers to empty their stomach contents on their keyboards and in their lounge rooms), there has been a development.

Dirty dancing, neck kisses, sweet nothings and yes - more fucking Jeff Buckley quotes. Someone should contact Jeff’s mother and tell her to threaten Southern Star\Endemol with litigation!

You can read the official sites story in the diary section. Surprisingly, they haven’t yet published a huge gushing article on the main site, but perhaps this is to do with Ryan’s popularity taking a few short, sharp jabs in the six pack over the past few weeks.

Meanwhile, for the full story (along with some great preview pics), check out this thread over at BBBA’s forums. It is safe to say that forum poster Keeks has earned not only my thanks but a tonne of thanks from Big Brother viewers who can’t be bothered waiting for producers to play an edited version of events on the show.

According to the latest official site’s diary entry, Monica has told Catherine ‘It’s all my fault, I do take responsibility for it 100%… I’m just an idiot.’. Yes, you are. Especially since this carry on occurred the NEXT NIGHT after you did your tearful and no doubt sincere diary entry with Big Brother.

On a positive note, at least there is something remotely exciting happening in the house (even if it’s making me nauseous) and who knows, we may even see Uncut on Wednesday night featuring more than just 40 minutes of Rootman’s antics.

PS: A lot of the commentary, including the official diary, have Ryan saying “My kingdom for a kiss”. No, he’s not going all feudal, I dare say he’s actually quoting or at least paraphrasing Jeff Buckley (a-fucking-gain) and the line “My kingdom for a kiss upon her shoulder”.

July 2, 2004

Monica’s Regrets

Clever girl. She’s obviously realised that she’s alienated the girls in the house after her Ashalea bash at Wednesday night’s dinner which will result in her likely nomination for eviction come Monday.

Pre-emptive strike? A tearful speech to Big Brother explaining her feelings. Oooh, that ought to help the public forget your canoodling with Ryan over the past week.

You can like people in the house, yes - even if they’re of the opposite sex. You’ve found someone who likes the same music as you do? Bonus! Stuff to talk about!

But overkill about dreams, “there’s something there” comments, and other ridiculously flirty rubbish doesn’t equal a girl I’d trust for a minute. And if she thinks that diary entry is going to make me change my mind about sending a few SMS votes her way, she’s got another thing coming.

I’m sure she’s not evil incarnate in real life, she could be very nice for all I know. But all I’ve seen of her in the house is her latching onto Ryan from the get go, even playing it up with Gretel before she went into the house, and I can’t shake my suspicions that she’s being a fake.

Sorry Mon, nothing personal. Even an Oscar winning performance in the diary room isn’t enough to make me forget your flirtations with Ryan over the past week. If it “really isn’t your style” to behave like that, then I can only conclude that at the very least on an unconcious level you’re using Ryan to get closer to the final three.

Meanwhile, Big Brother must be latching onto the bad feeling amongst avid fans towards the push for a “Ryan and Monica romance” so they’ve bought in the big guns. That’s right, they’ve created a completely useless article for Ryan’s mum to assure the public the couple are just friends. Bless her to bits, but mum’s (despite never admitting this) don’t always know their kids. I mean, did Ryan call her and get her opinion before going for a rub’n’tug? I think not.

Fans Shocked By OS Turn Around

Goodness! It would appear that we viewer’s constant complaints regarding bias from the official site has led to the most honest article they’ve ever published.

Read it here.

Here at ausculture.com, we hope it is merely the beginning of a new attitude for Big Brother and his henchmen.

PS: Yes, yes - before anyone spanks me on my bottom, it’s an attempt at satire, not an actual Big Brother article. Would’ve been nice though, eh?

July 1, 2004

Violeta’s Opinion

Just watching a tape of last night’s Uncut show where Violeta stated that a girl getting into a cab with three strange blokes must be absolutely “frothing” to have sex. Charming.

Well, I don’t usually get personal about myself on ausculture.com but I too have done the exact thing that the girl who was supposedly “frothing” for a group pounding did. Well, minus the threesome.

NOTE: Before you click “Continue reading” be aware that this is a rubbish story with little relevence to Big Brother, so unless you’re willing to fall asleep at your keyboard, avoid it like the plague!

It wasn’t my best moment and suitably, it started at the Castle Hill Tavern. Drunk as a skunk, I stepped into a cab that I’d been waiting in the cold for an hour for, when three young guys asked if they could share my cab with me. I’d take it to my house, jump out, and they’d continue on their way. This seemed fair enough.

Chatting to the blokes in the cab, they seemed really, really nice and again, I was very, very drunk so I agreed to go to a pub in Hornsby with them. After being dropped off there, we realised the pub was closed so one of the guys offered to share a cab with me to his place and then drop me home.

I agreed (drunk, remember?) and went to his house. I had absolutely NO intention of doing ANYTHING with him or his mates, I just felt like not shelling out for a cab home. So we went to this guys house, he smoked himself a joint in his garage, and I suddenly realised that perhaps this situation was not the cleverest one I’d ever gotten myself into. At best, I was still getting a lift home from someone pissed and stoned. At worst, they’d find my sliced up body in various plastic bags dumped in the local bushland area.

Sobering up slightly, I concocted a plan in my head to ensure that if anything terrible happened to me, the police would track down my killer. I decided to send a cryptic SMS to my best friend which I figured would lead the cops to my potential murderer.

As it turned out, I was incredibly lucky not to have been raped or killed after putting myself completely at risk - the guy I had innocently followed home was a complete gentleman and drove me home after he’d sobered up a notch. The next day I was hung over and appalled at my behaviour - honestly, it was like I’d followed an Australia’s Most Wanted guideline to getting raped and killed. But I never, EVER wanted to have sex or do anything sexual with those guys - I was far from “frothing”.

So I hope that any young guys who watched Uncut last night and happen to read our blog take note and realise that Violeta is far from a spokesperson for women. Thank christ. Even the most even-tempered man can turn into a far less endearing character after too many beverages (as can women, mind you) and I would hate for Violeta’s words that a woman is “frothing” for a gang bang after she shares a cab with some guys she doesn’t know to echo in some bloke’s ears after he’s drunk and stupid and flirting with dark impulses.

PS: It may amuse you to know that my best friend called me the morning after asking “What the fuck were you doing last night, Jess!”. Turns out my cleverly cryptic message was simply “BEER 4AM THORNLEIGH PISSED AS”. You see, the guy’s name was “Beer” (which should have helped the police no end), I sent the message at 4am, and he lived in Thornleigh. I think you know what the “pissed as” meant!

No Doubt Who Big Brother Wants Out

Wesley, pack your bags - Big Brother’s on the attack!

First Gretel does her speech about voting the “quiet” housemates out, and now this article has been released on the Big Brother website revealing Wesley as the submitter of the now infamous “housework” question.

I’m the first to admit when I’m wrong, and so it gives me great displeasure to put my hand up and declare that yes, I fucked up - it wasn’t Monica being devious, it was Wesley. Naughty Wes! To any Monica lovers out there, I say sorry and concede that Monica has not launched a covert operation to pick off the female housemates one by one.

But I must ask - will all other dinner topic conversations have their creator revealed on the official site though? Including another question that caused some accusations being aimed at Ashalea - the Ryan and Monica question? Seems only fair, Big Brother, to find out who sat back and let Ashalea cop the blame from Ryan or whether Ashalea herself lied when she said “It wasn’t me!”

The article about Wesley may have a point, but they’re also being quite blatant about the fact Wesley isn’t the guy they want to see in the final three. Hell, the filename of the picture on the Big Brother website is “061wessnide3” - objective, eh? Good work, BB team! Even tonight’s daily show (which I can hear from the other room) constantly has Mike Goldman’s voice over declaring “Wesley fails to take the opportunity to admit it was him”.

To top it off, after putting that article on line, they’ve delicately placed a “Who do you want evicted?” poll next to the article.

Further influence of viewers votes via the Big Brother website? Or mere coincidence? You decide, since I’ve proven myself to make one or two fallacious statements whilst fired up.

Target: Ashalea - Strategy: Isolate and Destroy

Hmmmm. The latest article up on the Big Brother page confirms my theories that Monica is a manipulator. During their house dinner, Monica was asked about her friendship with Ryan. She replied…

While I’ll have to wait and see the tone of the conversation before I judge her words, I hope her “something there” is friendship not love, but I suspect it’s just another way to dangle the carrot of luuurve in front of Ryan.

Meanwhile - there is no doubt in my mind that Monica put in the question regarding housework being divided equally in an attempt to alienate Ashalea from the house. And if it works, look out for her next target - likely Bree - following Ashalea’s footsteps. One or two subtly-so-it-doesn’t-look-like-bitching-and-ruin-the-angelic-persona snide comments to other housemates about Bree’s faults, then anonymously putting a topic in the family dinner discussion box to further isolate her.

Whether or not Ashalea DOES contribute to the house chores isn’t my problem. I think we’re all aware she doesn’t. My problem is that Monica is prepared to make the occasional disparaging comment about Ashalea to other housemates, but would rather anonymously bring up the issue in the group rather than (God forbid) taking Ashalea aside and pointing it out to her in a way that isn’t so attacking and hurtful.

God, I’m going all paranoid on Monica, aren’t I, but I really can’t shake off the feeling she’s a complete fake. At the very least Violeta WAS keeping it real, even if real meant being rude and obnoxious a lot of the time.

And I ask you - in what world do I feel defensive towards attacks on Ashalea? I barely know myself anymore. Sniffle.

Remind Me Again When I Can Vote Monica Out?

If there’s anything worse than watching Big Brother salivate over potential cash cow Ryan, it’s watching an intruder (who knows Ryan’s popularity in the house) latch onto him and lead him on in an attempt to ensure she’s carried to the final three under Fryzie’s protective “Alpha Male” arm.

According to the Big Brother website, the two had a moment together when they discovered they both liked Jeff Buckley. This had the official site’s “journalists” salivating, throwing in their two cents with the occasional “Oh my God this is too freaky!” and “Sigh!” during their commentary of the “romance”.

Well, guess what Big Brother? The girl has a boyfriend. So if she goes in the house and actually follows through with her flirty, husky voiced temptress act with Ryan then she’s the kind of disloyal publicity whore I don’t want to see win the money. And if she doesn’t? Well, it goes to show her doe-eyed coquettish act is her tool of choice to get closer to $1,000,000, and yet again I want to see her emerge empty handed and boyfriendless.

But we shouldn’t be surprised that Big Brother are dedicating so much time to Ryan and Monica’s budding non-romance. After all, these are the people who brought you the “Ryan loves Ashalea!”, “Ryan loves Elle!” and “Ryan loves Bree!” advertising campaigns of the past.

Oh - don’t forget to notice the advertisement next to the Big Brother site’s article about Ryan and Monica. Could I vomit anymore? Doubtable.

Milking it for everything it’s worth, eh Big Brother? I hate to be cynical but… no, actually I enjoy being cynical.

And the winner of Big Brother 2004…

Shoud be up to the Australian public. Free from manipulation and propaganda. Big Brother producers take note.

We’ve been discussing the topic of Ryan favouritism in our Big Brother Blogfest comments over the past few days, whilst elsewhere Big Brother forums are going wild with accusations of Big Brother’s preferential treatment of some housemates.

Are those claiming conspiracy right, or just Big Brother nut jobs? Is Ryan being favoured over the other housemates by those in control at Big Brother headquarters, or is the timing of the group being up for eviction just coincidence? We’ll never really know for certain - but all signs point to yes (“… according to the Magic 8-Ball of Big Brother controversy” - Gretel’s Script Writer).

Big Brother love having Ryan on air - he’s filled in the slot of “Lovable Rogue” for them in the cast of characters, and quite clearly Big Brother staff adore him. “Thank you, Rootman” said Big Brother once after a late night diary entry from Ryan & Co, but he might as well have been saying it on behalf of all staff for Ryan’s conduct the entire series. Creating an affable cast of characters that Channel Ten can show during their otherwise lifeless “Uncut” program? Saving them the trouble of lawsuits by alerting housemates to Miriam’s dangly bits? Cheeky flirting with Gretel on air? Why, the boy is a shoe-in for winner!

Except… is he? I mean, that’s what we’ve been told from day one, but there are signs that Big Brother should hold off writing him the cheque for the million yet.

After Knifegate, Ryan’s popularity in the online polls took a battering and never quite recovered. Trevor or Paul have competed for the top spot during the last few weeks, and I believe currently even Ashalea is out doing Ryan regarding fan fervour!

During Tuesday night’s Intruder eviction, Gretel spoke to all the housemates individually. While Trevor got screams of support from the naughty audience when he spoke, as did Paul (and possibly Ashalea), there was silence when ‘our’ supposed favourite spoke. Well, Big Brother, you can manipulate what’s shown on telly, you can even apparently manipulate the nomination system - but you can’t force the crowd to adore Ryan as much as you do.

Don’t get me wrong - I don’t HATE Ryan. He does make me laugh sometimes. But I have seen signs of another side to him that I don’t particularly like, and more importantly - I don’t like being told he’s my favourite by the media and Big Brother himself.

Big Brother - I’m not a teenage girl who votes for the guy with the best body. I’m not a sleazy bloke who votes for the girl he longs to touch inappropriately. I’m not stupid, I know what your show is about and I am also aware I need to keep my eyes open regarding machination by Big Brother’s executive producers lest I too unknowingly swallow Big Brother’s propaganda hook, line and sinker.

And I’m not the only one - the amount of intelligent commentary on the show appearing on Big Brother forums everywhere (rising above the plethora of idiotic posting) not to mention our own Big Brother followers who comment on ausuclture.com with insight and maturity show that there IS an audience out there with their heads screwed on. Please, don’t treat us like idiots.

None of this is Ryan’s fault, and that’s important to remember. Which is why it sucks that there are plots on Behind Big Brother and other sites to vote him out this weekend. You know what else sucks? I agree with them and I’m going to send a vote Ryan’s way too. Whether or not those of us out there with our eyes open can effect anything remains to be seen. At the very least, we might be able to scare Big Brother into realising we’re not all easily manipulated, and it’ll encourage him to try and make this a fair race to $1,000,000 before we’re all forced to admit the entire show is a sham and do the most powerful thing we can do - switch off the television.

“Weekly task 6” entry

Having watched “Up Late” once or twice, I’ve noticed these Virtual Big Brother tasks. Until now I’ve never felt the urge to enter.

I’ve still not felt the urge to enter.

However, this weeks task to “Recreate your favourite scene from Big Brother 2004” really got me thinking for a minute or so. I was inspired. So, I’ve recreated my own favorite scene from Big Brother.

So, here it is, a recreation of my favorite scene from Big Brother 2004.

(Yes, I was tempted to recreate the closing credits but that would have been way too obvious.)

June 30, 2004

The Intruder Eviction

I’ll try and be quick and to the point (and I’m sure you’re all used to me saying that and being neither) regarding Tuesday night’s intruder eviction special.

Big Brother producers - yet another completely wasted opportunity. Occasional moments of humour and awkwardness, but still - it could have, nay, it should have been so much more. Of course, starting with two half-decent and interesting intruders in the first place would have been a marvellous start, but nevermind.

You had the right idea about filming the housemates and replaying who they nominated to the intruders. The revelation of votes worked nicely with the very first Big Brother season’s eviction special, and the idea was a good one.

However, why - oh why! - did you make the housemates vote in front of each other? By doing that you ensured that the housemates never went against the current or revealed the true extent of their feelings. I mean, Bree for instance probably would have voted for Monica to leave because Monica’s a threat to the million bucks, but she was never going to voice that in front of Fer-ryzie and Co, was she? Paul would have probably nominated Monica as well, since he wouldn’t have known he was outnumbered and gone for the easy vote.

None of the housemates in the group want to look money hungry, strategic or just plain two faced in front of each other so secret nominations in the diary room as per usual would have ensured honesty and more interesting footage.

Secondly, you should have played with them a little bit. Gotten them to choose who they wanted out, and then specifically kept that person in the house. There would’ve at least been a dash more shock and surprise running through the house. Of course, Wesley asked Gretel whether this would be the case at the beginning of the show which would have ruined any surprise - but he wouldn’t have if you hadn’t been so daft as to have Gretel ask the housemates “Any questions?” Give them no opportunities to guess! Just do! You’re fucking Big Brother, for God’s sake - make ‘em squirm (preferably without the need to resort to fruit staring).

In any case, Violeta aka The Conversation Steamroller has left the house. Now we’re stuck with oh-so-nice-to-the-point-where-it’s-quite-sickening Monica in the house, watching her flirt with Ryan and drive Bree mad. I’m not entirely sure of whether this is an interesting development, or a tiresome one. That mid-season apathy striking again, I guess.

Gretel’s Scriptwriter’s Final Thought Now that the Black & Decker leaf blower of housemate’s votes ensured the withered leaf of Violeta has been blasted from the house, the Australian public wait like helpless elderly gardeners to see whether the remaining pile of dead foilage that is the remaining housemates are lit by the discarded cigarette butt of Monica, or merely evolve into decaying mulch during the final weeks.

Jess & Marty from Big Brother 2 - Getting Married!

In a nice change of pace from our usual talk of late about intruders, nomination farces, and idiotic Big Brother producers, breaking news is that Jessica Hardy and Nathan “Marty” Martin have announced to New Idea that they’re getting hitched.

According to news.com.au -

Not so long ago I believe it was the same magazine who released a story that the couple had broken up - something that eventually proved to be incorrect (obviously). Here’s hoping New Idea have finally got something right.

I must say, I never expected them to last this long - I was very, very cynical when Jess first started pursuing Marty on Big Brother 2 and the general opinion in our household was that she was getting her claws in to keep herself on the show for as long as possible.

But hey - the two have been through a lot together (her brother Billy dying in the Bali bombing springs to mind), and I guess I can be the first to admit that I was wrong, and wish them both luck.

What are the odds of desperate Big Brother producers convincing the couple to appear in a special one hour episode called “Jess & Marty - A Big Brother Love Story” to be shown this Friday night at 7:30pm. After all, Channel Ten seem to be making no effort to sustain an audience for the new show Jake 2.0, interrupting the schedule twice already to show Big Brother let downs specials like Miriam and the intruders entering the house.

I’m no (god forbid) computer geek, but I have been poor enough to warrant being housebound on a Friday night and I’ve got to admit, I’ve enjoyed what I’ve seen of Jake 2.0. Anyone else out there reckon the laboratory chick looks like a genetic mutation of Rachel Leigh Cook & Thora Birch?

June 29, 2004

Aphrodite - Your 15 Minutes Are Up So Piss Off

It’s not often I begin to actually hate a Big Brother housemate. Sure, Jessica Hardy drove me mental, but even at her very, very worst I didn’t really hate her. But congratulations, Aphrodite - the combination of your irritating, tantrum throwing behaviour in the house with your displays of utter cuntishness since leaving the house has awarded you the coveted prize of (drumroll please…)

And what exactly has Aphro done to push me over the edge? Well, let’s be honest - there wasn’t all that much room between me and the edge in the first place. In any case, Aphrodite turned rather abusive after being evicted from the house (as we are slowly learning) and began ranting and raving about Terri. Now, I don’t remember them detesting each other all that much in the house! At least, not enough to warrant the flood of abuse Aphrodite let loose on Triple M in Adelaide. Right click save as, babes! Allow me to write you a transcript.

The radio station (pleasant and charming people that they are) played this during their interview with Terri to get a good reaction from her. To her credit, Terri didn’t bite at all, merely saying Aphrodite must be slightly troubled to feel the need to say such things, and pointing out that it’s a good indication of Aphrodite’s maturity. God damn it, I can’t believe I’m going to say this but… Terri, you are a classy woman.

Whether or not Terri has an annoying laugh is not the question. Terri was never mean to anyone in the house, not one person. She may have had disagreements, she may have created an imaginary backstabbing by Paul in her mind, and she may have been cheeky enough to pick arch enemy Krystal for the have-nots during a task, but she was never mean.

There is no excuse in the world for Aphrodite releasing such vitriol towards a housemate. Making fun of a person’s appearance (other than John W. Howard) constitutes a low blow in my books, and I’ve always made an effort to never poke fun at someone’s looks or weight or anything else they can’t really help (though hair is a free-for-all as far as I’m concerned). As for Terri’s laugh - well, yes, admittedly Terri tends to giggle inexplicably after every sentence. But hey - at least she’s laughing, rather than being a sour, miserable wench choosing to cry or scream to get attention from people because she’s insecure and pathetic.

Aphrodite, you might have expected to become a “star” after going into the Big Brother house, but instead you just revealed yourself to be a nasty, unpleasant, whining, two-faced cow. Your post eviction behaviour towards an ex-housemate was immature and quite frankly sad. Grow up, fuck off, and get yourself a half-decent surname while you’re at it. Who names themselves after a bloody handbag?

June 28, 2004

A Few Nominations Show Thoughts

First of all - I don’t trust Monica. There’s something… too flirtatious about her, especially for a girl that ain’t single. Her conversation with Fryzie which involved her giving him a choice between two options (“Outdoors or indoors” etc) - well, she sounded like a phone sex operator, and inexplicably Ryan nearly came in his pants when given a choice between “black or white”.

Secondly, I don’t blame the girls for being slightly frightened of Violeta. She is, quite frankly, rude and yet is completely unable to see her own faults. I mean, she asks Bree a question and as Bree takes the time to answer it, Violeta shouts over her the second she suspects she’s not getting an answer that matches her own.

Her conversation with Big Brother whilst nominating summed it up best. After she handed Bree one point for eviction (giving a reason along the lines of Bree hasn’t had a heart to heart with her yet) Big Brother put forward the idea that perhaps this wasn’t just Bree’s fault, and Violeta could also be to blame. Her genuinely shocked answer - “My fault? Why would that be my fault?” Oh, I don’t know. You’re an obnoxious argumentative girl who consistently talks over people during conversation? Of course this is tremendously unfair of me as Paul is also obnoxious and argumentative but I still generally find him amusing but hey, I never claimed to be the United Nations. I am not fair. I am not reasonable.

Thirdly, Gretel is dead keen on keeping her name in the tabloids, isn’t she? Will from Fop. emailed me today pointing out how Gretel had mentioned to the boys during last night’s eviction show that she was “taken”. I hadn’t noticed, so I’m glad Will pointed it out! However, luckily for any of us who missed it the first time round, Gretel reiterated the statement during a conversation with Kane tonight, stressing “I’m TAKEN!” at the camera, and virtually pinning a sign to her chest that says “Sooky Saxon Suckles My Boobies In Bed”

Fourth - everyone up for eviction, eh - is it going to be a double eviction, I wonder? Gretel told the public she wanted to see us end up with “a deserving winner, not an accidental one.” Touche, Gretzsky! In any case, I have my suspicions as to who ausculture.com want to see kicked out, but I’ll go back to my notes (ie: smoke a cigarette) and have a think about it further before launching into in depth attacks on housemate’s characters! No one will be spared!

Gretel’s Scriptwriter’s Final Thought Now that all the housemates are being served up on the eviction platter like helpless human hors d’oeuvres, who will be plucked from the plate, chewed briefly then spat into the napkin of public humiliation on Sunday night?

Poor Old Breezy

Remember when Bree and Elle did the whole subtle “Ryan Love Me More Than You” discussion a month ago? Imagine how relieved Bree must have felt when Elle left the house, leaving Ryan closer than ever to the blonde housemate’s lusty paws.

So - you’re Bree. Finally things are coming together, slowly but surely. Ryan makes up some story about a “task” and the next thing you know, you’re having smoocheroos in the Big Brother backyard! Sure, there were no tongues, but in your mind, the ten second kiss took hours. It was just you and Fryzie, spinning in the night with your warm lips pressed against each other and through out the encounter, a Barry White song was being played on your internal jukebox.

You play it cool. Yeah, you mention the kiss loooooads of times, but in a subtle “Can you believe Fryzie kissed me?” way that no one would ever pick up on. But oh! You hope Fryzie is picking up on your signals! You want to try it again! You want to include tongues! You want to create the beast with two backs on the Diary Room chair! Desire is burning up your entire body, and you’re sure it’s only a matter of days before you and Ryan get drunk enough to finally give in to temptation.

And then those bastard producers from Big Brother put two dirty sluts in the house as “intruders”. What do do, what to do?! Being withdrawn won’t help, everyone will know what’s wrong with you and that you’re pining for the ex-AFL star. Being nasty to the newcomers isn’t a great idea either, after all - we can’t just think about Fryzie here, can we? There’s a million dollars at stake! No one can afford to gather votes from the powerful newcomers this week!

In any case, things are going downhill - and fast. Endearingly naive Ash asks you whether you’d go out with Ryan, and you say no - but add that you would, really. Look relaxed and as though you have nothing to hide. Ryan should know that you’re available but not desperate or anything.

And then Ash strikes again - she asks Ryan who HE’D go for out of the housemates. Smile, look mildly disinterested… you’re a sure thing, Bree baby.

Expect that you’re not - what the fuck? He’s declared he wants Krystal or Monica! Krystal or Monica?! He thought Krystal was a filthy slapper and wouldn’t stop arguing with her! He’s known the other hussy Monica for what, a day? Christ, you’ve just admitted you’d go out with him and he blatantly leaves you out of his list of potential girlfriends?

Keep smiling! Don’t look angry. Sneak out of the kitchen and into the bedroom and add a few extra layers of chicken fillets. Return to the kitchen later looking hot. Houston, we have a problem but we can get through this - we can get Ryan back!

Solution - subtly, very subtly, ensure Ryan remembers you’re still around. When you see him chatting to fuckface Monica, say nothing (don’t be too obvious!) and just wave your arms around in front of his face. Try performing a few jumping jacks. Little things, that’ll help. And now sit back and wait for the chance to vote out fuckface the delightful Monica from the house.

Two Random Thoughts

One Is anyone else sick of the housemates using the term “massively” every few minutes?

“Did you enjoy your time in the house?” “Massively” “Are the new intruders settling in well?” “Massively” “Merlin, are you going to become a citizen?” “Well, yes, I am now - because it matters massively to the Australian public”

ENOUGH! Big Brother, provide the house with a thesaurus - stat.

Two Ryan on tonights eviction show - did anyone else see a sudden psycho side, or was it just our household? When Gretel called him a pig in jest, his eyes went ice cold and he said sharply “What have I done to be called a pig?” or something like that. Wasn’t what he said so much as the look he got on his face. Trouble is, with Ryan it’s hard to tell whether it’s a straight face in jest, or a straight face in the “and now I have to kill you” sense. I flashed back to a post I wrote during Knifegate.

Of course, as soon as he worked out Gretel was joking he snapped straight back into his cheerful, cheeky self. Was he in on the joke the whole time? Or does he really have a closeted chilly side? I guess all I’m trying to say is that his immediate reponse raised an eyebrow or two at our house. Perhaps we’re just hanging for drama and excitement?

June 27, 2004

Kane Leaves

As regular readers would be aware, most weeks I do a list of the nominees up for eviction and discuss who’s rubbish, who’s grand, and who ausculture.com desperately wants to see booted from the house with a swift kick up the arse delivered by a rather pointy shoe. But what about this week? Am I getting lazy? Well, of course I am. I’m shocked we’ve stuck with our Big Brother Blog this long, since normally I don’t follow through with ANYTHING! Sure, Dolly Parton Appreciation Week being completed was amazing, but the fact that our BB page is still going? Miraculous.

Anyways, where was I? Ahh that’s right, my non-existent list of nominees. Quite simply, there was just no one this week that I had a burning desire to see leave. I also didn’t have a burning desire to see anyone stay so I guess we’re seeing the first stages of Big Brother apathy appearing. It happens most years around this time, so nothing to worry about. I should perk up by the end.

I was discussing this week’s eviction with my darling friend Taw on Saturday night whilst we were both pissed as farts. “Taw,” I said lovingly (gazing into my beer), “who do you reckon is going to get evicted on Sunday? Anyone in particular you want to see go?”

I was shocked and surprised at the passion behind his answer.

“Jess,” my crude chum replied “Kane is a filthy little cunt and I hope they fuck him off as soon as possible.”

Now, I just can’t see how anyone can hate Kane that much! Little lovable Kane-o! Good ol’ rapping Ratface! Paulie’s sidekick! But tonight’s eviction of Kane shows that it is possible, and I must admit this Kane-hating phenomenon has taken me completely by surprise. I ask you, ausculture.com readers - is Taw’s opinion spot on? Or do I need to book him into anger management classes?

Perhaps I shouldn’t be shocked. Kane’s popularity on the official website popularity poll was always strangely lower than I ever expected. I mean, I thought a young, toned, waxed young lad with a cheeky personality would gather bazillions of votes from girls and gays alike, but he always trailed behind in popularity to the likes of Ryan, Trevor, shit-stirring Paul and even Igor at times!

In any case, Kane’s eviction leaves me wondering two things. One - when did Crystal from Love Pavilion start liking him? And two - if I was so far off picking Kane’s popularity with the viewers, who will be the next housemate to be served the proverbial arsenic filled jelly-donut on Sunday, disappearing from our sight as quickly as buttered toast flung from the top floor of a cheap Bangkok youth hostel?*

* Sorry, am trying out Gretel’s script writer. Might keep him on for the week, could make things interesting!

June 25, 2004

And The Intruders Have Been Entered…

… into the house! Yes, I’m bored enough to bother with terrible double entendres that don’t actually make much sense in English. Whaddyagonnado?

To be honest, I found Violeta a bit painful. Nothing too horrendous, but I always find that when girls proclaim themselves to be a hard-arsed bitches, this usually means they scream and cry to get their way. Course, in this case, the hard-arsed bitch in question is also a Door Bitch. Which pretty much means she’s got an inflated ego, if most bouncers in clubs who declare who gets entry based on looks tend to have. She might be funny, she might be crap. I’ll judge her more over the next few days.

Monica seemed nice enough, if not slightly smarmy. Smart enough to bring alcohol into the house, but threatening enough to some of the girls (okay, Bree) to warrant nomination. And if the blokes are starting to think strategically, they’ll want her to go first too. And I know I’m right cos the great Carmel Hill said the same thing!

Right, enough about the intruders. I have another important issue to address.

BIG BROTHER PRODUCERS, YOU HAVE A LOT TO ANSWER FOR!

Can someone please, PLEASE explain to me why you would advertise the intruders as being girls in a “Hint hint! Nudge nudge! Girls, see? Ryan can get it on with them! Kane and Wesley will be tempted! Tune in to see our latest hussies!” style if you are so completely daft as to pick girls with boyfriends?!

I mean, yes, it sucks to discriminate between those with significant others, and those without. But lets look at this from an entertainment point of view (enough of this high and mighty “It’s a psychological experiment!” malarkey, it’s a television show! It is meant to entertain since it sure as hell ain’t educating!).

Housemates that are single - more likely to fall in lust and touch each other, naughty style. Potential for love triangles. Failed romances. Drama. Entertainment.

Housemates that aren’t single - not very bloody likely to cheat on their partner on national television unless they are quite thick (See Marty & Mirabai). Potential for love triangles dramatically decreases. Romances non-existent thus unable to fail. Little drama. Not Very Fucking Entertaining.

So while this year’s house might be full of some lovely people, while they might have some delightfully good times playing around platonically - there are absolutely no fireworks (save Paul, who’s stirring stops the place from being stagnant of drama altogether). In turn, this has led to Uncut being the most useless hour on telly - most of the stuff shown on the program could pretty much be shown during the daily show. I bet Uncut’s creative team are worshipping Ryan for bringing the Rootman character into the house, as he’s undoubtedly giving them something to actually screen on a Wednesday night.

You’re Big Brother. You realise that most of the single people you put in the house initially were knob jockeys and not likely to last long. Your only pair of single housemates just don’t seem to get it together despite your best efforts. But wait! You have one more chance to spice things up and fix the whole thing before we head into the home straight - the intruders!

So you put two attached girls in there. Good thinking, guys.

PS: Some vintage Carmel Hill tonight, though she looks a little different from last time I saw her. Classic moments as always involved her making sweeping generalisations after watching 20 seconds of housemates introducing themselves. Alas, a severe lack of the terms “Alpha male” and “Alpha female” but all in all, an overdue return for Australia’s favourite lisping psychologist. Two thumbs up!

The New Intruders

As kay, one of our many fine readers, mentioned in the comments section of another post, tonight we finally have something which might (and I’m not holding my breath, thanks Mr Kris Noble!) spice up the Big Brother house - the intruders! This year they’ve picked two girls, which means Ashalea won’t be falling in love with anyone new, and Bree can’t get too distracted from looking at Fryzie’s body.

First up is Monica. Seh seems lovely, doesn’t she? A perfect match for lovelorn Ryan too, if I do say so myself!

The second intruder is Violeta. She claims to be the next Igor, and there’s something rather odd about her facial expression in her profile photo but nevermind.

Will Violeta clash with Paul? Will Monica’s addition to the house result in some long-overdue doona dancing?

Obviously we can only speculate at this point, so we’re gonna have to wait and see. More reports after tonight’s intruder special on Channel Ten.

PS: I have no money so I can’t afford to have a life and actually be out doing normal things on a Friday night.

June 23, 2004

Big Brother Gossip via BBBA

Oooh some delightful gossip from those champs at Behind Big Brother!

Firstly, Ashalea’s boyfriend Brendan has spoken out about this interview with Ashalea’s mum that was posted on the Big Brother website. I for one am very confused. For instance, Brendan corrects Ashalea’s mum as to the length of the relationship (Mum says five years, Boyfriend states two and a half) but then he also claims that Ashalea told him she was entering the house all along. But wasn’t that one of the things Ashalea told us on the night she entered the house - that she hadn’t told her boyfriend and instead he thought she was staying at her grans in Bunbury?

Meh. Moving on, apparently the ex-housemate having poo poo’s with Terri is Aphrodite. Terri mentioned on Monday night with Gretel that an unnamed evictee was getting a bit abusive towards her but refused to name her. I thought she might have meant Krystal (since Aphrodite is completely out-of-sight, out-of-mind to me) but no, it’s Ms Vuitton. The bitter first evictee also sent some delightfully catty SMS’s to Terri, which strikes me as a little over the top.

And yet - honestly, if you had to pick a bitter and twisted bunny boiler out of the evicted housemates, who would it be? I would have picked Aphrodite. I still get shivers of fear when I flash back to Aphrodite’s expression (pure wrath) as she turned towards Terri (whilst wearing undies on her head) during the infamous kitchen fight. Honest to god, I’ve seen friendlier expressions on lions going in for the kill on Animal Planet!

Housemates Told The Secret! ZzZzzzzz

Am I the only one who suspects that last night’s Big Brother special was a waste of time? For those who missed it, Gretel went into the secret room and put the Big Brother housemates through a series of challenges. Challenges like picking a card. Like drawing straws. And cracking eggs. The winner was eventually Catherine, who was told the secret by Gretel while her chosen partner in knowledge, Bree, had headphones on and hummed. Then Catherine told Bree. Since last night’s show, Bree has decided to tell Paul, who in turn decided to tell Ryan.

My first comment - YAWN.

I mean, what was the fucking point? Was Bree meant to have headphones on so Catherine could choose whether or not to tell the real secret? Otherwise, why bother? And why weren’t the tests more mentally based, not just on luck? Surely if this “secret” is being revealed to stir stuff up in the house, you’d want the clueiest housemate to work it out and then make things interesting?! I mean, Catherine’s very nice and lovely and whatever but she’s not very exciting, is she?

Personally, I would have had three or four tests of actual skill, maybe a few brain teasers etc, and ensured the winner was actually someone who worked for it. They get to choose someone to speak to afterwards regarding the secret, but that person isn’t in the room when Gretel told the winner. Then I would have told the secret to the winner, and let them know that they have one week to ‘fess up the truth to their chosen buddy. They can say whatever they want until then to the chosen housemate but the truth must be revealed by the end of the week. The buddy housemate can pass on anything they hear, should they choose to, though perhaps they might prefer to keep it just between them and the winner. That way, it’d be proper Chinese whispers, and could lead to some interesting plotting and scheming.

Of course, the downside to this would be that IF they two chose to scheme evilly, whilst it might give them an advantage regarding manipulating nominations, the nation would most likely vote out the sneaky devil’s as soon as they were up for eviction. Stupid public.

In short, I have no idea how to make the secret better. Maybe just scrap the fucking boring secret altogether, throw in some single (ie: LIKELY TO DOONA DANCE!) intruders and feed them alcohol till they puke. Not responsible, but more likely to lead to some remotely interesting telly as opposed to cracking fucking eggs on people’s foreheads.

PS: Am I alone in missing Peter Abbott?

June 22, 2004

New housemate

After the non-event that was the introduction of Miriam to the Big Brother house, ausculture.com is hoping that another housemate will arrive who can…be interesting.

My suggestion, Alf. Perhaps he could go into the house under the guise of a Salsa teacher named Alfred?

June 20, 2004

Off You Go, Terri

Normally about now I’d point out how ausculture.com guessed who was going to be evicted, and even though I knew Terri was going to go, I got distracted yesterday while in the middle of writing a post about it, and spent my time looking for dirty gossip on rock stars instead. I am a bad person, but I am aware of this fact and that can only be the first step to a full recovery.

I’ve mentioned many a time on here that I suspected Terri’s longevity in the house was less to do with public popularity than just plain luck - there was always someone far more despicable\annoying\twattish up for nomination each week, thus saving her neck from the eviction chopping block.

Of course, by the end her lucky streak did become slightly endearing, which only helped keep her in the house as well. However, she made a fatal mistake - she fucked with my beloved Paul.

Why is this so bad? I mean, Paul’s hardly God, is he? Or the Godfather for that matter. Why can’t someone argue with Paul and survive - could he really have the kiss of death Terri claimed during her last week in the house?

Well, quite frankly, no - I don’t think he has the ‘kiss of death’, per se. However, I do think that Paul is able to point out any hypocrisy and two-faced behaviour in housemates, and even those out there who hate him are forced to grudgingly admit that he might just have a point.

For me, Terri was over and out as soon as she started sulking about that water bottle fight she had with Paul. Here is a bloke who has gone out of his way to stick up for her in the house. He pointed out to the ladies a few weeks ago that just because they hadn’t told Terri not to hang out with the girls in the spa during the early weeks didn’t mean they weren’t guilty of ostracising the netball loving swinger - the fact they didn’t bother to give her the reassurance she needed was their passive aggressive way of keeping her on the outer.

When I heard him point out this behaviour to Bree in a gentle and kind manner (a rarity for Paul!) I thought “What a top bloke!” Yes, he’s argumentative - yes, he’s incredibly stubborn, but in my opinion it was Paul’s sense of compassion and loyalty to anyone with the ‘underdog’ status in the house that kept Terri alive in there.

So where was I? Ahh, the water fight. After Paul has shown her great loyalty over the last few weeks, inexplicably Terri gets it in her head that Paul is out to get her, and reacts accordingly. I saw the water bottle fight, you all saw the water bottle fight - who started it? Who started the wrestling? Paul being Paul laughed it off and let bygones be bygones as soon as he hit the pillow. Terri however woke up the next morning and decided to not only hold a grudge, but try and start some kind of fight. The knife in the back stuff? What a laugh! Bless little Terri, the only one putting a knife in her back was herself which makes her both daft and flexible.

So naturally, for me Terri was the clear evictee. In fact, I’ve got to admit - after she sat in the Diary Room and whinged about Paul’s ‘backstabbing’ I couldn’t help but feel she’d violated some non-existent parole agreement that had been keeping her in the house. However, a small part of me also thought Paul could go, simply because I have been reading countless comments from idiots on websites about how Paul is somewhat of a wife beater now that Terri has a bruise on her eye. Were we watching the same wrestle?

I mean, if a 5ft \ 60 kg man and a 6ft \ 90 kg woman get into a fight, does the fact he has a doodle automatically make him an evil, woman beating man? Regardless of who started the fight? Regardless of if he was defending himself? Really, commonsense must prevail. All women are not helpless and innocent, and all men are not predatory animals. Terri got into a (playful) rumble with Paul and in the process got a bruise. Suddenly I hear cries of “Hang him! A woman has been injured at the hands of this despot!” despite the fact that the bruise wasn’t caused by any swift punches or kicks aimed at inflicting any pain whatsoever. If Paul had walked away with the bruise, would there be any hoopla? I think not.

In any case, the boys I live with declared that Terri must be in love with Paul and frustrated by the fact he was her ideal man and she could never have him due to him being married to the lovely Jenni and only this could explain her slightly irrational behaviour during the week.

In her video goodbye, she even said to Paul “You probably don’t realise how much it meant to me… you got me through a lot of the hard stuff that I had to deal with… I can’t wait to find someone who loves me as much as you love Jen.”

Could Terri’s drama this week been due simply to a primary school like crush on someone unattainable? It’s possible.

In any event, goodbye Terri! Hope things work out for you and you get as much kinky sex as you desire - bad luck on a rather silly last week in the house but I am still pleased to see that you outlasted some of the fakest and most annoying people in Big Brother history. Clearly the viewers are developing some fine taste. Also - it’s delightful to see that our patented CLP Factor ™ method of picking evictees has rebalanced itself correctly and working like a charm. Depressing for our dear friend Crystal but a sure fire method for the rest of us to make money via Centrebet.

PS: Looks like I’m back with a vengeance after the flu - I’ve written a bloody thesis tonight! My apologies if you were getting used to sporadic and remarkably shorter updates from the ausculture.com team.

Sulking implies eviction

Whilst it is true that Terri’s perennial nominations meant that her eviction was only a matter of time, I personally think there is a specific housemate behaviour that indicates their time is up.

That behaviour is what I call extended needless sulking. Although Terri later tried to make fun of her behaviour, it was too late to pull her status as a housemate from the fire…she was evicted.

June 18, 2004

Big brother reaches new heights

The introduction of Mud Wrestling to Big Brother is certainly one of the classiest, most well thought out and executed tasks that I think the Big Brother universe has ever, and will ever see. Wow!

Over on the “official” site, there’s an interview with Ashalea’s mum. Head on over to check out Sharmayne’s (Ashalea’s mum) view on Ashalea’s boyfriend and her swearing. Interestingly, Sharmayne thinks that Ashalea is as cute as the BB website claims she is.

June 16, 2004

Commenting On Comments

Ahem. There have been a tonne of replies floating around about Merlin’s Sunday night protest, some addressed to me - and I’m sorry to say I’ve been struck down with the flu and bedridden since Monday so I haven’t been able to take the time to write some deserving replies and elaborate on any unclear things I said earlier. I’m still pretty sick (hence Law & Order week’s unspectacular kick off!) but I’ll give it a bash since so many of you have taken the time to write in intelligently with your thoughts and opinions - I value that, so thank you.

In no particular order, I’d like to address some people who have replied.

dls

“jess, when i was referring to “you” i wasn’t referring specifically to you, jess, but to natural born australians…”

Sorry dls, I was confused - was under the impression you were replying to my original post, not the replies coming after it.

“and i don’t think that the choice of keeping his euro passport is so he can “backpack” around europe… “

Merlin admitted to Gretel Killeen that the reason he was keeping his citizenship was so he could travel around Europe hassle free. He tried to cloud that with a lot of “I love this country” and other such stuff, but Gretel forced him to admit it was for travel. I wasn’t making that up to make my point.

“also just because i couldn’t vote in south african elections, doesn’t mean i couldn’t have an opinion on apartheid…”

I agree with you entirely. However, if I was living in South Africa for most of my life, if I was protesting against apartheid, if I was encouraging fellow South Africans to vote against this violation of human rights - but decided that I wouldn’t actually vote myself as I had plans to holiday in Europe at some point in the future - well, it’s a very different situation. The first step in making a change begins at your own doorstep. Don’t ask other people to do something you’re not willing to do.

I understand Merlin’s cause, I really do. I wasn’t enrolled to vote, and the Tampa crisis happened. I researched about refugees. I learned about international law and how Australia had broken it. I read horrible stories of the plight of the Afghanistani’s that were fleeing the Taliban and I was sickened by it. So I enrolled to vote. Because me telling everyone I knew about what I had discovered in order to influence their vote (and thus social change) meant nothing if I was doing nothing to help myself. Do you get what I mean?

Again, I completely 110% agree with the cause Merlin has pushed into the mainstream media. I myself have gotten into countless arguements about mandatory detention and the Tampa crisis and the boat people and whatever else people are willing to chat to me about. The issue for me is not his cause, but the hypocrisy involved. I am a dual citizen of Australia and Britain. I love having an EU passport (for travel purposes, it IS handy). But if I one day discovered I had to choose between one or the other, I would choose the country where I was raised, which I love, and which I hope to contribute to its great future - even if that contribution is just one vote every three or four years.

Kay

“dls-dude the refugee sitution is sad but lets not forget that these people have broken our countrys laws, by entering Australia or remaning in Australia without visa’s”

Kay, it appears you are confused between the definition of an illegal immigrant, and an asylum seeker (or refugee). The thousands of British backpackers who come to Australia on a holiday Visa and overstay it, taking Australian jobs and acting obnoxious in Bondi? Illegal immigrants. I like to see the Howard government do a sweep of Bondi cafes, they’d probably halve the problem of illegal immigration in one day! People from a country devastated by war, oppressed by those in power, unable to apply for emmigration in their native country for fear of being killed, saving up what money they have to pay a dicey smuggler in Indonesia to ferry them across to Australia? Refugee, in my books.

Now, I’m not saying everyone on those boats deserved to be granted a Visa to live here without being assessed first. If I said that, I would be stupid because I don’t know exactly who was in those boats, do I? I don’t know them personally, I don’t know their history - no country would greet anyone at the door with a quick brouchure of great tourist destinations and a “Dunno who you are mate, but come on in and have a blast”. However, international law that Australia is a signatory of states that we MUST accept them on our land and give them due process to plead their case. Not ship them off to Christmas Island, not change migration zones to avoid it - we must accept them. The government broke the law. The High Court released a decision pretty much saying the same thing - released late afternoon on September 11, 2001. I remember it vividly - I read it and thought to myself “My god, Howard is FUCKED!” and later that night some planes flew into the World Trade Centre and we never heard another thing about the High Court’s decision.

The second issue is mandatory detention of those seeking asylum. Note: not illegal immigrants, but asylum seekers. I don’t agree with it. Some people do. I think it is a travesty of human rights. Some people don’t. Clearly this issue needs discussion in the media, and if Merlin has promoted that discussion then fantastic. However, it’s being clouded by his citizenship issue, and people DO have a legitimate right to question someone who is lobbying a political issue but chooses not to vote.

Batto

“Wouldn’t anybody who was put in that situation? What we should be doing in focusing on the people smugglers who promise these people the world and take all there hard earned to put them on shabby boats that sometimes don’t even make it, and if they do make it, they end up in detention centres! “

Completely agree with you, champy. The real bastards in this tale aren’t the desperate people trying to escape hardship for a better life, it’s the people smugglers (especially in Indonesia) who use this desperation as a means of making money. Howard should be in discussion with Megawati, trying to come to some sort of solution to stop the people smuggling, rather than spending his days following George W Bush like some kind of lap dog.

It’s not an easy topic, there aren’t easy answers. But ignoring the real evil-doers, persecuting men, women and innocent children by locking them away like criminals, whilst pursuing a war based on untruths and a quest for oil, well - in my opinion, that’s the worst kind of solution, and it’s the one our current government prefers.

Housemates’ junk is how much?

I’ve commented before on the staggering prices that the housemates’ junks, I mean, prized posessions are fetching on ebay. Merlin’s “Free th[e] Refugees” sign already has a high bid of over one thousand dollars. Sure, it says the proceeds are all going to amnesty international, but…

Being the investigative type of person that I am, I had a look at the user feedback of the seller of the items. What’s with the products they have until now been buying? Who is it that is selling these items?

June 13, 2004

Merlin’s Political Stance

Ahem. Patrick summed it up nicely below so I won’t say too much about Merlin’s stunt on tonight’s show. I will say though that I hope Merlin puts his money where his mouth is and donates his prizes to the Asylum Seeker Resource Centre.

While I agree with Merlin’s sentiments, I do have a suggestion for him. Become an Australian citizen, vote at the next election, and kick the Howard government out once and for all. Surely that’d be more beneficial to your cause than a piece of duct tape and a poorly constructed sign?

More interesting than Merlin’s actual “Free Th Refugees” plea was the way Big Brother had to handle this sudden change of plan. Gretel went straight into school marm mode, exuding an authoritarian air about her as she admonished the booing studio audience which led me to wonder how often she and Saxon roleplay (“You be the naughty school boy, I’ll be the surly head mistress…”)

What do you guys think? Did Merlin execute his plan brilliantly or would he have been better off discussing the issue on air? Is he a political dynamo or a wannabe revolutionary try hard?

“Free th’ refugees”

In a move that will have some asking “why didn’t he do that the whole time he was in the house?” Merlin used the eviction show to promote his stance on refugees (ie. free them.)

The crowd seemed to boo Merlin severely, probably annoyed that having being evicted he wasn’t going to take the usual evictee approach to their fifteen minutes of fame and pretend to be incredibly witty.

Personally I have no strong feelings over Merlin using the eviction show to state his position on a political issue. I do however think that silence from an evicted housemate is a definite breath of fresh air.

I do however think Merlin should have held up this sign instead.

Any other suggestions for the sign Merlin should have held up?

Pre-Sunday Eviction Thoughts

As you guys have probably gathered by now, I often need a day of rest from the Big Brother blog. A little like God then. Unlike God, my chosen day of rest is usually Saturday since there’s no Big Brother TV show on, and nothing much happens in the house until Sunday. I thought this weekend might be different with the arrival of Miriam in the house, but no - if anything, it was even more disappointing a weekend than normal.

I might as well mention that Miriam admitted to the housemates who she really was last night after they gathered enough courage (probably of the Dutch kind) to ask her. Yawn.

I’ve got to say, Miriam’s sojourn in the house was one of the most underwhelming things in the world. If their plan (some saucy Uncut action with the boys for our entertainment purposes) had worked, they might have had viewers interest. But if rumours from BBBA’s website are to be believed, Channel Ten sabotaged the whole thing by telling Ryan what Miriam’s real identity was on Friday morning in an effort to avoid any potential lawsuits.

Don’t get me wrong, a lot of the housemates seem like good value and I do get a chuckle from them now and then - but where’s the excitement? Where’s the lusty doona-dancing of yesteryear? Drunken confessions of family member’s sins? Uncut on this year’s Big Brother is basically “Big Brother with Swearing and Dirty Jokes” rather than “Big Brother with Sex Stuff and Pink Bits!” - frankly, it’s just not cutting the mustard.

I hope for the show (and Kris Noble’s sake) that some intruders arrive there soon. Miriam’s stay there was a lame attempt at injecting fresh blood and controversy in the house, so they’d better get the mix of intruders right and get it right fast.

Did everybody see on the Friday show when Merlin covered himself with a doona and lay between the two beds creating The Cubbyhouse Of Sadness? Also - his conversation with Bree in the bathroom - “I’m not going to tell you why I was upset… but…” and then he launched into it regardless! Without wanting to sound overly cynical, let me just say - my arse. He was crying about getting in trouble by Big Brother, hence the tears started as soon as he left the Diary Room after being told off.

ausculture.com predicts Merlin to go tonight, but if he doesn’t - I hope he improves greatly and stops sulking about nominations. If three seasons worth of people can get over being nominated (Sharna not included) then surely he can shut up with the whining? In any case, we want Paul to stay. Again.

June 12, 2004

Well, That Was A Waste Of Time

Seems all the housemates have garnered Miriam’s true identity. Bugger. I was so looking forward to exciting television but bloody Ryan had to ruin it all, bless him.

Channel Ten should be rather shitty happy, now that they’ve managed to “not deceive” the housemates in any way.

June 11, 2004

She’s Arrived!

Okay, quick entry to say that Miriam (or “Miriam-Maria” as Gretel’s taken to calling her) has entered the house, and boy have the fellas eyes lit up! Currently on the Channel Ten live show, Gretel & Co are claiming Ryan has cottoned on to Miriam’s secret but I disagree - I was listening in on the live feeds during the ad break (I’m so sad) and he was simply saying over and over “She’s a hot chick, maaate!” - certainly nothing about him knowing her true identity.

In fact, even the clip that the Big Brother television show played to inform us Ryan knew who she was didn’t seem to prove anything at all to me?! I never heard him say a word about her being transgendered!

More later…

8:28pm Hmmm. Perhaps Ryan does know - he made a passing comment while dancing with Miriam about not getting too close. Dammit! He was the one I was hoping would fall for Miriam! Ahh well, back to Bree then for Fryzie. Could Merlin be the next best thing?

8:36pm Paul has begun a line of questioning. “Do you live in Australia, Maria?” Ask her if she’s been on a reality show before, Pauly! Ashalea seems thrilled to bits with Miriam, incidently - all the pink and frilly stuff, must be a dream come true…

Merlin: “Do you like soccer, Maria?”
Miriam: “Well, I like playing with my balls…”

Okay, I made that last bit up…

8:47pm The housemates are discussing their lives with Miriam. Paul tells her about the wife and kiddies, Kane talks about his carpentery, Ashalea announces she works with kids and models, and Ryan amuses me and everyone else by saying “I’m a lawyer… and also a part time doctor…”

I swear, that’s the end of the live feed gossip. Unless something good comes on, though no doubt being a Friday night I’ll be out somewhere fabulous spending all the money I’m not earning.

Ashalea: We Change Our Stance

In what must come as a huge relief to Ashalea fans around the world (cough), ausculture.com are pleased to announce that we have changed our opinion on Ashalea.

Sure, earlier on we thought Big Brother were trying to put a spin on her stupidity (actually, we still think that) and we also suspected Ashalea was quite possibly the most stupid person on Australian television since Kelly Hoggett from Hi-5 struggled answering the $200 question on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire and nearly cried.

I no longer believe Ashalea is as “special” as she makes out. I have noticed that in conversations with the girls Ashalea seems to understand English well enough - there are no “what does ‘dinner’ mean” queries or other questions of that ilk. No, Ashalea seems to function quite normally amongst a group of girls.

What a contrast to her mental abilities when the boys are in the room. “What’s an orifice?” “What’s naive mean?” and “I was going to ask BB to put the sun up ‘cos like I thought he could do it” are just a slice of the imbecile pie Ashalea has been serving up on our television screens nightly for the last month.

So what gives? How can someone be mindnumbingly ignorant with one group of people, and completely fine with another group? How can one person claim to be so completely inept at sarcasm that they need one of the males in the house to feed them an entire conversation, and yet drop a deadpan one liner over dinner about the girls being more inclined to mix with the lads should “Big Brother puts some hot guys in the house”?

Simple - it’s an act. Now, it’s not an act in the sense of it’s for the cameras - I have no doubt Ashalea behaves like this in the outside world, and she’s definitely ‘keeping it real’. Rather, she’s one of those irritating girls whose method of flirting with boys is to play the role of the dumb damsel in distress. I can only presume it’s been a highly successful method of interacting with men in the outside world for years, so there’s absolutely no reason for her to change her behaviour now she’s in the Big Brother house. And that, in my opinion, is almost far worse than being woefully ignorant of basic general knowledge. Most girls grow out of this Teehee, I’m Just A Girl! ™ method of flirtation at around, oh say age thirteen?

Just a theory, naturally, but I tend to believe my theories like inbred Southerners tend to believe everything written in Leviticus - wholly and completely, with a refusal to acknowledge any alternative way of viewing things.

Till I get bored and create a new theory, of course…

June 10, 2004

More Merlypops Rants

Hmph. As every man and his dog knows, Merlin has been nominated this week for eviction, and goodness, hasn’t he kept his feelings to himself? End sarcasm. No, as you all know Merlin’s been discussing his nomination to anyone he can find, and not even a strike has put him off course - he gained another strike last night for discussing the nominations with Paul.

I mean, honestly - you’d think he’s the first person to ever be nominated! Ever since Monday night he’s been in whinge mode and I for one am bored stiff. So it’s much like the last few weeks, except this week I can help vote him out. Perhaps he can join Elle in finding herself? His self-professed analytical skills would surely come in handy in an investigation of that scale!

Big Brother’s official site published this article after Merlin got nominated. Several things mentioned in it got my goat (a metaphorical goat, of course, I am not some sort of goat musterer whose herd is being continually pinched by thieves) and being the sort of sharing person I am, I felt I’d go through them with you.

Lord, what a perfect example of the blathering style of conversing that has driven me mad the entire time. Allow me to say that again in Merlin-language. “It’s like, well it’s not… but kinda like an example that may be perfect - I’m not saying it’s perfect, but it could be. In a way. Let’s hug.”

Wow, how wacky and spontaneous! And not in a pre-planned kind of way, even though you’re revealing your plan, before (or “pre”) the eviction result! Also - is this the most wanky thing that’s ever been said in the house? Other than Aphrodite’s lame desire to wear undies on her head, Jessica Hardy style.

I might add now for anyone out there who thinks I’m being mighty unfair - I might well be, but that’s my divine right as a viewer. I don’t hate Merlin, he’s probably a nice enough bloke, but in housemate terms I think he’s been rubbish and when Merlin signed up for Big Brother he gave us all permission to judge him based on his behaviour on the show. So that’s what we do. I do it with Ashalea, I did it with Aphrodite and I’ll probably do it with someone else before the show ends. They’re not evil, I’m not evil - we’re all just playing our respective parts in the pantomime that is Big Brother.

PS: FYI - Merlin has spent most of this afternoon with his head under a blanket or pillow sulking about his woes.

June 9, 2004

Permission To Speak, Captain Paul?

Bless. Just laughed my arse off during the daily show when a group of the housemates were talking in the kitchen about the war in Iraq and other such related political stuff. Kane actually raised his hand to speak! Hahahaha he really does think of Paul as a mentor, doesn’t he?

Meanwhile, my beloved Merlin may have been the victim of bad editing, or he may just be daft. I haven’t decided. As the group were talking about Iraq, I heard Merlin begin with a “The thing is, Kane…” and wondered what righteous drivel he’d come out with. Ahem. “The thing is, Kane, what you have to remember is that fourty years ago, black people had to sit at the back on buses.” *

Ummm. Right. Thanks Merlin. While African-American’s quest for civil rights in the 60’s is an important time in history, how it’s relevant to explaining why the US going to war with Iraq is a bad thing is a little beyond me. I’m gonna hope that the daily show was edited rather poorly, and there was some lead up to you making that comment.

* Quoted from memory but that was the general gist of what he said.

More Miriam Stuff

Before I start - was I the only one under the impression that Miriam would be entering the house last Sunday night and not later this week? Perhaps I got it wrong - stranger things have happened.

In any case, Miriam seems excited to be entering the Big Brother house, claiming to have her eye on a couple of the fellas - namely Kane and Ryan. Of course, she fancies Paul but her conscience won’t let her seduce a man with a wife. I’m sure Paul’s lovely wife is relieved! Miriam will be arriving on Friday night under the guise of being a salsa teacher named Maria.

Meanwhile, I was a bit confused this morning to see that Channel Ten are trying to get the best of both worlds. Originally advertising Miriam’s thrilling arrival by constantly bleating on about how the housemates were in lockdown when the show was advertised and have no idea who she is (“Hurrah, potential explosive Uncut material!” thought Kris Noble, no doubt), now that there’s some moral outrage over Miriam coming to the house the show seems to be backtracking, claiming

Seems ausculture.com aren’t the only ones who raised eyebrows to this astonishing backflip in PR. The good people at Behind Big Brother also noted it in an article today.

June 8, 2004

This Week’s Nominees Round Up

Time for our semi-regular round up of this week’s nominees. As always, we welcome your comments and thoughts as well. Especially if you agree with us!

Paul Well, regular readers of ausculture.com will have gathered our current opinion on Paul - he’s ace! The man is a self-proclaimed stirrer and I for one couldn’t be happier to see him stay in the house and ensure that the next month and a half isn’t just a holiday for the housemates but rather semi-decent viewing for those of us in the outside world. The other thing I’ve grown to love is that whenever there’s a fight or disagreement or even just tension, you can always hear this ocker stoner voice in the background piping up with “I can’t believe he said that to you, maaaate, are you gunna take that?” and just egging on drama. Naughty, yes, but done with a good sense of humour. Hurrah for Paul! Though I should add that while the grain of salt thingo was mildly amusing during his first nomination, by now it’s just tired and old. Retire it, and go back to baiting Merlin. Thankyou.

Terri Hmmm. I’m really not sure how I feel about Terri. I felt sorry for her during Krystal’s bad case of bitch-itis, but have I graduated from pity to like yet? I can’t work it out. She doesn’t actually do much to amuse me other than not get evicted yet despite the hopes of some housemates. While in the old days, someone’s survival of four evictions might have been an indication of their popularity, these days it’s more a case of “I Don’t Particularly Like You But There’s A Bigger Fuckwit Up For Eviction That I Need To Deal With First”. Still, there’s something likable about dorky Terri so I’m not quite ready to vote her out. Interestingly, yesterday Kane and Paul discussed how she was their favourite chick cos she was so “real”.

Bree Put simply, Bree is pretty fabulous - attractive (in a General Pants\Cargo Bar way), quite quick witted and generally nice. She’s bloody lucky Krystal left when she did though so Bree didn’t cross over to the dark side and start being cruel to Terri rather than just get irritated by her. My goal is to see Bree and Terri forced to become friends after all the other girls leave, I reckon that’d be sort of amusing. I also think Bree is the only real shot at seducing Ryan, so I’m sure the Uncut producers are crossing their fingers and toes for her to stay this week. While I don’t completely love her, I think the public should wait a few more weeks and see how she develops in the house. She could be a gem, or she could just be a Jemma Gawned.

Catherine In the beginning I expected Catherine to be long gone by now, but I underestimated how much the housemates like their surrogate mum. I suspect she got rather comfortable in this saintly position though, and got a little overconfident regarding what she could get away with in the house. Throwing the boys possessions in the pool? Bad move, mamasita, bad bad move. While she’s pleasant enough, I have to ask - is she contributing anything to good telly viewing?

Merlin Merlypops, I’ve waited for this moment a long time. I have had an absolute gutful of your constant PC bleating, all your talk of feelings and honesty - it’s dull, babes! Dull as fucking dishwater! Sure, you have your moments - a couple of great one liners, and a few moments you drop your guard and act like a normal human being - but the rest of the time you’re like an Arts student on steroids, babbling a whole lot of cack to sound knowledgeable and “in touch” and SNAG-ish but really just coming off as a pretentious arsewipe. You nominate Paul for ‘stirring the pot’ but Christ, he’s making the place remotely interesting! I mean, your constant desire for peace and harmony in the house means crap telly for me, and I don’t think you’re meant to be having a nice, relaxing holiday now, are you? I’ve bided my time, I’ve held on thinking you could come good but it’s Day 38 and you just haven’t done it for me yet. I think I might want you to go this week. But in a sensitive way.

Paris Contributing To Quitters Campaign

Bad luck for the Big Brother campaign that it’s not actually Paris Hilton doing it.

Live Feed Excitement

I finally got the live feed happening through RealPlayer and am happy to report the following as it happens!

The boys are singing Olivia Newton-John’s “Physical” as they work on the task. Merlin feels like he’s in Priscilla, Queen Of The Desert.

That is all. And not very interesting, is it?

Newsflash: Exciting Big Brother Times Ahead!

Ooooh! Thanks to our friends at behindbigbrother.com, some interesting future possible developments for the house have emerged. Remember, behindbigbrother.com were right about Miriam entering the house, and I thought that sounded like the biggest load of shite I’d ever heard.

According to the site, “Boyband Mercury 4 will enter the house for a musical concert which will also include Courtney Act and Rob Mills to promote the return of Australian Idol.”

Mercury 4? Anyone who follows the news of Australia’s favouritest fake boyband - The Bad Boy Club - will recall the infamous Boy Band War of 2003, which saw the reigning kings of Aussie pop (The Bad Boy Club) take on up and coming wannabes Mercury 4. While Mercury 4 have lost and gained a member since that time, we’re sure they’ll be getting their swerve on old skool style nonetheless. Word!

Meanwhile, Courtney Act & Rob Mills? Idolmania! But where’s Shannon Noll when you need him? Did his stint on The Resort turn him off taking part in network publicity crap for other reality shows?

Mr Mike Fines

Ausculture.com has been accused of being too negative towards Ashalea. As such, I’ve taken the liberty to do some research on the life and times Mr Mike Fines.

As is common these days for people who haven’t a clue about a particular topic, my search for Mr Fines started on google…

I found two relevant websites (other than the fifty or so that talked about some “microphone fine thingy.”)

Firstly, a Mike Fines once attended the University of Windsor (Canada) and ran a 9.62 in the sixty metre hurdles.

Another Mike fines is/was the PR guy for Team Sobe/Headshock. Team Sobe is some sort of Suzuki motorcross team from what I can gather.

I’ve tried to contact both Mr Fines’ with no success.

I then tried theWhite Pages. Again my labours bore fruit and I discovered an entry for L &M Fines in Salamander Bay NSW. I considered calling them, but decided against it.

Update:

I have found the person Ashalea must surely have been referring to (pictured.) “His name is Dr. Michael Fine. But his patients will tell you he’s more than fine. He’s the best.”

June 7, 2004

Farewell, Elle

As everyone knows (and Patrick reported earlier), Elle was booted from the Big Brother house. I wasn’t sure whether I wanted her to go. I wasn’t sure whether I wanted Terri to go. However, I was positive that if Paul went, any interest in the show would disappear altogether, so I am very relieved to see that Paul stayed and Australia had some commonsense - as, I’m sure, Big Brother producers are. After all, Gretel’s opening monologue on last night’s eviction show practically begged the public to keep Paul in, even though they didn’t name names.

I really did like Elle at first - I mean, farting on Igor’s head was a brilliant beginning, and I kept hoping that she’d follow up on that with more fun and nonsense, but instead we got a crapload of tears. I’m all for the odd teary, but really - after three previous seasons of Big Brother, we all know that emotions are heightened, you don’t have your “support network”, and it doesn’t solve any issues you left on the outside. Take valium instead. Just don’t take up valuable air time! Elle’s fate was sealed by the unedited version of the knife saga that went to air last week - hearing her tell Ryan to shove the knife up his arse alienated both Ryan fans and those of us out there that had tried to defend her sulk after getting a different side of the story with the original viewing.

It would also seem that her nakedness on Friday night wasn’t enough to save her. Sure, you couldn’t really see too much, but I bet she was glad she’d had the Brazillian just in case any accidental slips of the hand meant the cameras could pick up a glimpse of muff area! I mean, isn’t every woman’s nightmare being caught naked on national television with an unkempt pubic region? I’m sure we’ll see more of Elle’s nudey run on Uncut, possibly with some flashes of tits and arse too.

Elle no more

So, the only housemate whose name is a palindrome was evicted. Most people don’t seem particularly surprised. Perennial nominee Terri survived yet again making me wonder just how long that headless chicken is going to continue running around.

With four days left on the auction, Elle’s Hot water bottle cover has already fetched a bid of over $300.

Happy bidding!

June 4, 2004

Miriam’s Imminent Arrival

The Big Brother production team are going into overdrive trying to drum up publicity for Miriam’s arrival into the house on Sunday. Britain’s The Sun have written a quick blurb about it, stating that Miriam has been instructed to ‘wreak havoc’ on the house. Hurrah! They also mentioned

I have a few things to say about that.

a) Sex toys? Ha! I’ll be curious to see how they react to that (Merlin: “Miriam, the thing about feelings and emotions is, I think you’re hiding them, in the sense that you’re not but trees are good and I’d fight for trees, I would, I’d fight - Miriam, let’s engage. Engage me with that butt plug!”)

b) Contestants have already romped naked? Are you talking about Ryan’s nudie showers and a few Brazillian waxes? Terri’s early stint as a birthday suit bather? Hardly the stuff of legend now, is it? Sounds like they’re trying to make our Big Brother sound a lot less like the snoozefest it actually is.

c) Contestants don’t know her sex change secret? Well, I knew about Miriam… hmmm, last year I think! I read about the lawsuit in the papers and saw the photos. I mean, they’d have to never have read a newspaper or watched a news report for the last six months to have not heard of Miriam… okay, in that case, they probably don’t know of her.

June 3, 2004

This Weeks Nominees - By Guest Columnist Chopper

Hello, everybody - I’m Mark Brandon “Chopper” Read, notorious alleged underworld hitman and most successful crime novelist in Australian history. I also applied to enter the Big Brother house, but for some reason the producers decided against letting old Uncle Chop Chop in - I don’t know why, I have plenty of experience when it comes to being locked in a small enviroment and interacting with society’s misfits!

In any case, these ausculture.com clowns have asked me to act as a guest columnist this week and talk about Elle, Terri and Paul who are up for eviction. I guess I could wreak my revenge on the Big Brother crew for snubbing me by launching a vitriolic attack on the contestants they chose over me. As I wrote on my official website, even though history has been quoted as saying “the pen is mightier than the sword,” I would still prefer the sword, plus a pistol, shotty and dynamite. Let’s roll along, shall we?

Paul What a scallywag this young fellow is, by gosh! He reminds me a little of myself at his age, stirring up the other inmates and generally being a bit of a naughty boy. If I’d known Paul in Pentridge, I probably would have invited him to join my gang. Or perhaps I would have stabbed him, like I allegedly have done in the past. At the moment I’m quite found of Paul, and I’d like him to stay and stir things up with that Merlin character. Wouldn’t that be a bit of fun? Wouldn’t it be nice to see that powderkeg explode? Paul is very bored, perhaps he should consider applying for a transfer with Big Brother? Chop the old ears off and get sent to the English Big Brother, now wouldn’t that be a laugh? Wouldn’t that scare the Poms, a bloke with no ears, arriving from Australia, chopped his bloody ears off to get sent into their house!

Terri What a very excitable lady Terri is, don’t you think? Sex with women, sex clubs, sex toys - it’s astounding that someone with such honesty when it comes to expressing her desires could be such tedious and boring viewing! I suspect if that Paul was a bit of a mongrel and not so happy with his lovely wife, Terri might try and put on the moves. My my, she really is a randy lady, isn’t she? If I weren’t married, I might be tempted myself! Terri has improved the longer she’s been in the house so I think we’ll spare her this week, right kiddies? Give her one more week to start going great guns - maybe she’ll try it on with this transexual lady that the producers have decided to put in the house? That’d be worth a few giggles, I think.

Elle Crying for sympathy and releasing gas - that’s all I’ve seen young Elle do for the last two weeks. Crying - that old chestnut. If she’s doing it for the sympathy vote, I think it would have the opposite effect with the public. Don’t you agree? Yes, yes it would, that you very much… I’m sure she’d like to give that Ryan a free ‘rub and tug’ and she’s only crying because she thinks he’s interested in Bree, a young lady who talks of mysterious genitalia enhancers called merkins. Very strange bunch. It’s just my opinion but I think unless this Elle character starts to perk up and stop acting like a bloody sook, she should leave on Sunday night. I liked her at first, but the last week or two she’s just been terrible.

That’s it from Uncle Chop Chop, I’ve finished my column and I have much to do elsewhere, so why don’t you few people out there reading this just continue with whatever you were doing beforehand and don’t bother coming back until I’ve written another commentary gem on the Big Brother house.

Big brother, little brother.

Miriam, who could well be a Big Brother herself, will apparently be spending some time in the Big Brother house.

It also seems that the housemates will not have been informed prior to Miriam’s entrance that she is, in fact, a he.

If you check out the poll on the Big brother site, Paul is the most popular bet for which of the boys will first discover that Miriam is…packing sausage.

June 1, 2004

General Big Brother Malarky

Lots to talk about, and I can’t be bothered doing seperate posts - hurrah, laziness! I guess Dolly Parton Appreciation Week is taking up a lot of my attention. No matter.

First cab off the rank is smh.com.au’s delightful article about Krystal’s eviction. They discuss the possibilty that Krystal was evicted for having big boobs, just like BB3 when Jo was evicted and… she had big boobs! Astounding! Course, it could also have to do with her behaviour during the week. The article quite rightly points out:

Touche! They also go on to talk about Gretel’s hair. Hmmm. Are you reading this very blog, smh.com.au? Probably not. I just like to think I am special and everyone rips me off, it’s an insecurity thing. Ahem. Onwards!

Paul has turned (“Ha!” says Crystal, I bet) into a bit of a twat, it appears. He’s refusing to take part in this week’s task since the other housemates are refusing to bet 100% of next weeks budget on it. Haha, I bet he’s just stirring. In fact, Sensitive Merlin helpfully pointed out that “God that guy can be a wanker when he gets bored.” Perhaps you should hug him, Merlin? Talk about some feelings?

The Big Brother website has also started the push for Bree’s popularity (I’m guessing the “Ashalea is sweet and in no way mentally challenged” push wasn’t so successful) by publishing an article dwelling on Merlin and Wesley’s conversation with her where they informed her she was the ‘alpha female’ or whatever they like to call it these days.

Let’s look at who told her this, shall we? Merlin, who loves to talk about emotions, feelings, psychology and other rubbish, was probably just looking for a chance to talk his normal bollocks for a while. “There’s always one person who kind of emerges - and I don’t like using the word ‘leader’ because it’s much too strong. But I think it’s very clear that Ryan is very much - not a leader - but, for the guys. And you’re very much that person for the girls.” Wow, so I’m guessing that Bree is the Not A Leader But That Person Who Is Sort Of Like A Leader But Not for the ladies. Put THAT on yer resume, Bree!

Meanwhile Wesley, bless him, is probably still trying to garner votes for his future push for the Prime Minister’s job. While he’s telling her “Gorgeous, 5’9”, blonde hair, Gold Coast beautiful girl.” he’s really saying “Vote 1 - Wesley!”

Krystal’s done the Big Brother webchat thing and while I still want to think she’s a dick, I must say she went up about 50 popularity points in my book with the following conversation.

I don’t know what a fro-ad is but it sounds funny. Oh, can’t forget this slightly mental gem!

Of course it’s much easier finding Krystal’s banter amusing when you don’t have to look at her posing constantly.

May 31, 2004

Chopper, Paul’s Tiny Cock & Igor Wanted Sponsorship

In one of the better rumours to emerge this year about 2004’s Big Brother, BBBA reports that Chopper Read was a potential housemate until the producers decided against him. What a bloody shame!

Here at ausculture.com, we smell potential in the air. Allow us a few hours to make some phone calls, and we’ll get back to you.

In other gossip from the BBBA site, Paul has a tiny cock (cigarette sized, hence his nickname Smokey) and Igor looked for sponsorship before entering the Big Brother house. Clever monkey!

May 30, 2004

Krystal To Resume Life As Delta | 3rd Eviction

Surprising no one and confirming our foolproof CLP Factor ™ method of predicting evictees, tonight’s evictee was Krystal, a 20 year old Queenslander who had her good moments, had her bad moments, and had her incredibly fake moments. We can’t wait to watch her land in Erinsborough as Stu’s stripper ex-fiance from Oakey as we predicted earlier!

Again, Gretel almost had us thinking she was wearing something halfway decent, but thankfully her boob tube took care of that. And what was she thinking with that hair? Not only is she trying to look nice and young for Saxon, she’s also stolen his hair! Oh sure, it’s a little longer than his but Saxon’s always been one whinge away from a surfers mullet. Christ though, that hair was the blondest thing I’d seen on telly since the infamous Ashalea-Berlin fiasco! Perhaps Gretel’s hair stylist recently saw Village Of The Damned?

Was it just me, or did tonights eviction show feel… well, weird? There didn’t seem to be a build up to the actual eviction, they just announced it rather abruptly, which had me convinced we were going to see a double eviction for some reason.

Big Brother’s Krystal hatchet-job on Friday certainly did the trick, with Krystal overtaking clear favourite for eviction Paul later that night. Somehow Terri came off quite well, which surprises me because although she’s not nasty, she’s hardly exciting either. I say we boot her next!

And wasn’t Krystal lovely and sincere and unrehearsed as she chatted to Gretel on stage? Honestly, you’d think she had planned her eviction night interview since day one in the house. Laughs at all the right times, carefree zany attitude - it was just offputting. If it wasn’t insincere then someone managed to slip her a spliff between Gretel’s announcement and Krystal’s arrival on stage. How bad was that “Ryan’s a fair bit taller than me!” joke she made after saying she got the feeling he looked down on her? She found it hilarious though which is the important thing.

That’s all I can really think of saying for now, other than I found great amusement in the Big Brother diary shortly after the show when it reported that Terri explained her lack of giving a shit regarding Krystal’s leaving with “In nursing you can’t show emotion.” Ha!

Request! Crystal, please tell us who your next favourite housemate is so we can make a prediction! In fact, you’re welcome to have a guest commentary spot!

May 28, 2004

Meow - Girl Trouble In The BB House

It’s been brewing for a few weeks now, but lately Terri’s plummeted in popularity with the other Big Brother girls (well, Bree and Krystal at least), and tonight’s daily show saw a few things come to a head.

Krystal has had a stick up her arse about Terri for as long as I can remember, and from what I can see she’s determined to ensure relations between chum Bree and the netball loving hornbag remain icy. Krystal’s retelling of events is amazingly accurate, if by accurate you mean “exagerated to ensure maximum damage”. She loves telling Bree that Terri was bitching about her regardless of whether said comment from Terri was deliberately bitchy. School analogy again! Krystal is the so-called ‘cool’ girl in class who needs to prey on someone she sees as vulnerable in order to affirm her position as ‘top dog’. Okay, now this is a school AND Prisoner: Cell Block H analogy! Woo!

Since Terri was selected by Krystal to play the role of aforementioned prey, she’s got bugger all chance of changing things. Everything she says from now on will be taken the wrong way, every attempt to build bridges will be mocked, and on and on this will go until someone is removed and breaks the cycle.

Tonight’s episode really showcased the less attractive side of Krystal (and I don’t mean from the neck up) - she’s incredibly fake. Her Aphrodite tears were crap enough, but after constant bitching about Terri, she smiled the whole way through Terri’s fumbled attempt at sorting things out and insisted that Terri “shouldn’t take (her behaviour) the wrong way” and that things were fine. What she should have said was “Yeah, actually this has been bothering me too for a few weeks, I’ve just felt that you…” and cleared the air. But, my friends, she doesn’t want to clear the air - she likes the air how it is, thank you very much! Because as long as Terri is a target and she can encourage others to join in on the anti-Terri stance, she’s safe. Tut tut.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a Terri fan or anything. I still think she’s a little dull, and picking Krystal for the ‘losers’ team only exacerbated an already touchy situation (not that I blame her, mind). But while I like a smartarse and can be occasionally amused by a shitstirrer, I have very little patience for bullys, especially the adult kind.

And so I must admit that I’m going to vote for Krystal this week because although all is fair in love and war and reality television, I can’t bear to watch someone being bullied especially if they’re a thirty-one year old nurse and they’re desperately trying to gain the approval of a twenty year old stripper.

Krystal isn’t an evil person - you can see her good traits when she’s around some of the others in the house. But then neither is Paul, who loves a good shit stir to liven things up. Paul however tells you to your face (well, generally) and is happy to have it out as adults (screaming adults, but adults nonetheless). His method of debate certainly needs some polishing and that’s hopefully something he’ll learn when he is evicted and has to see the tape of him acting like a twat - till then, I personally find his mischief quite amusing even if I have to fight the urge to press mute when he’s onscreen. I hope Krystal learns about the value of treating everyone with respect, not just the pretty ones or the ones you can gain something from. Ashalea - well, I hope Ashalea learns some basic geography, and Terri could do with learning to chill out and be less of a dork. My prefered order of eviction for this week’s nominees: Krystal, Terri, Ashalea, Paul. I’m sorry!

Funniest Moment: Terri telling Krystal that she was a younger version of her - you could see the fear creep over Krystal’s face as she thought to herself “I can’t believe I’m going to graduate from stripping to being a randy online dater who trawls swinger’s parties for shags…”

Fuck Carmel Hill - I’ve got the psychology side of this Big Brother lark covered, and I didn’t even have to waste money on a stinkin’ degree!

PS: Apologies for the numerous and extra long posts tonight - WWE has taken over my television and while I can tolerate it on some nights, I needed a break so I escaped to the computer and Big Brother blogging. I wish I had money so I could be at the pub!

Sunday’s Eviction - CLP Factor ™

After his nasty verbal scrap with Merlin, you’d be inclined to think that Paul was going to leave, save some kind of miracle. I can see why you’d think this. However, at ausculture.com we have the best method of deciding who will be evicted, in fact - so far the system has proven 100% accurate. We call it the CLP Factor ™. Well, it’s really called the Crystal from Love Pavilion Factor, but everyone knows things are far sexier and smarter when described through acronyms.

ausculture.com has had a team on the world’s best scientists (including staff from the prestigious Ponds Institute and the Head & Shoulders laboratory) analyse everything we have on Big Brother 2004 and they’ve concluded that whoever is endorsed by Crystal from Love Pavilion is as good as confirmed as that week’s evictee. Past housemates Aphrodite and Igor were given the stamp of approval, and since only one of this week’s nominees appears to have CLP Factor ™, this Sunday’s evictee is definately going to be Krystal. Sorry folks, I don’t make the rules.

Using the CLP Factor ™ theory in reverse means we can also predict the winner - and at this stage, the winner appears to be Paul hands down. Crystal from Love Pavilion has so far refused media requests to be interviewed about her astonishing gift, but a representative from the Love Pavilion camp, Mr Stuart Parker, claimed that “this is just temporary engine trouble during the road trip of life for Crystal, and soon enough things’ll do a u-turn and we’ll start seeing some Love Pavilion endorsed housemates making it through eviction drive thru”.

PS: Hmmm. I’ve been dying to have a bash at that Life Mechanics lingo but I kinda sucked at it - I’m glad to leave it to the experts from this point on!

Big Brother Editfest 2004 | Post Daily Show Wrap

Well. After commenting earlier on the Ryan\Elle\Ashalea shenanigans of last night, I decided to watch Big Brother at 7pm to check what REALLY happened. Is it just me, or is what they showed on television HEAVILY edited from the version of events described in the bigbrother.ten.com.au news article?

Ryan’s disagreement with Ashalea was just a mess, something cut out nearly every ten seconds. And my god, that girl annoys me. It’s just looking into those eyes - it’s like looking into the eyes of a big puppy dog… on the vet’s table under heavy sedation. She looked (as per usual) slightly confused sitting at the table with Mexican food and a sombrero on, and I was just waiting for a comment like “I love Mexico, I can’t wait to go to Africa myself one day…”

On the hilarious side, the subtle one-upping of each other by Elle and Bree was great viewing, girls are so obvious. Although retelling it as though it was a joke, Elle was clearly telling Bree about Ryan’s “You’re the girl I’m closest to” in order to lay her claim to him without looking like she was laying her claim to him. But what’s this? Bree backhands, agreeing with how hilarious it is and pointing out he said it to her too! Think you’re special, eh? Allow me to bring you back to earth. Cue the two of them adding a lot of fake laughter with

Carmel, where art thou? She’d be loving this! By the way, if anyone can scramble up a photo of her, I’d be much appreciated! Email it to jess@ausculture.com

A Delightful Song

Much thanks to Behind Big Brother Australia for this link, and they in turn had to thank some bloke called DaNz or something. I forget. Either way, right click and save this lovely remix of Paul & Merlin’s fight!

Ryan In Trouble - Gasp

Bloody hell, dear old fan favourite Ryan got himself into hot water last night and I for one suspect it may be due to a highly contagious case of hypersensitivity that appears to be running rampant through the house.

Now obviously I haven’t seen the footage on the telly as yet, so the following will be just going off the news article on the Big Brother website (and we all know how reliable and un-spinlike they can be).

So he’s in the kitchen, they’re all mucking about and he picks up the knife and says a mock “shut up!” with it? Far out, I do that all the time! In fact, I often run around the house with a butchers knife in hand and wave it frantically at guests. It lets ‘em know whose boss, know what I mean? Again, I’m only speculating the mood and situation so I might change my mind about it once I watch tonight’s show. But from the sounds of what they’ve given me, it appears that a hypersensitive Big Brother is ruling the house - yet again. Last year’s Belinda warning was a joke (and even if she had meant serious violence towards him, Ben deserved a smack around the chops on occasion) and it sounds like they’ve had another over reaction with Ryan.

The cynical part of me suspects it might be to get Big Brother mentioned more in the media. After all, this year has been a bit of a flop ratingswise compared to previous BB incarnations. Can’t you just see the headlines at news.com.au - “BB Housemate In Knife Shock!” “Scared Housemates Threatened By Ex-Swans Player” and later on “BB Ratings Sky High For Special ‘Knifegate’ Episode”

Again, mucking around. Unsure of who really over reacted here - obviously Elle didn’t respond well to Ryan’s comment but that appears to be due to her concern about Big Brother’s reaction and not her own personal feelings. Ryan then over reacted to Elle’s comment and took offence to something that was said for his benefit. Ryan’s a top bloke but I imagine if you piss him off his manner would change dramatically. Watch how cold he is to Krystal when they argue, that’d be hard to deal with if you were used to sunshine and lollypops with the arguably the house’s most popular member. So Elle cries, which is probably an over reaction but kinda understandable - especially if she does have that hyped-up-by-Channel-Ten crush on him.

Oh DO fuck off, you stupid girl. This is a terrible and blatant case of “I want some attention too waaaaaaaah!” baby syndrome. Conscious or not, she’s obviously watched the drama unfold with Elle and felt like she could do with a bit of attention herself. Especially with Ryan, who I believe is still the last person she randomly decided she was madly in love with.

Well - I’m obviously gonna tune in tonight (stupid publicity scam worked on me, dammit!) and see if it changes my mind. Here at ausculture.com we love speculation - so read the article and tell us what you reckoned happened.

Once the footage has been shown, feel free to come back and discuss it further.

May 27, 2004

Ben & Chrissie - Tops!

I was very sceptical about Ben & Chrissie’s column, but bloody hell - they’ve come through with the goods! And I’m even liking Ben! A funny, no bullshit perspective and it’s on the Big Brother site - I didn’t think that was possible?!

A gem I particularly enjoyed:

Keep it up, tigers!

Igor - Here, There & Everywhere

Ever since his eviction on Sunday night, Igor has been turning up left, right and centre - nibbling on bacon, chewing on cheese. If I had a dollar for everytime he’s used the phrase “I was the black sheep” I’d be a millionaire. He’s also proven to be one long fart joke for Gretel Killeen.

Kudos to Igor though for copping everything thrown at him and getting through it with a surprising amount of dignity. He admits the farts, the jokes, the general hygiene problems - AND freely admits he fucked up in his past and he’s prepared to face up to it. I never thought I’d say this but… I kinda respect that.

In the Herald Sun Igor proclaimed “Everyone has skeletons in their closet, I’m not going to deny that I did some things when I was young, I’m not going to say it was a lie and it wasn’t me. I want people to know and I did it, and that’s that.” Word.

Meanwhile, the Daily Telegraph is continuing to stick the boot into Igor by adding surly footnotes wherever possible. In this gem they manage to turn around a quick blurb on this week’s nominated housemates into yet another snide remark about Igor.

Gasp! Horror! He doesn’t like yellow? Quick, someone call a cab for a one way trip to Abu Ghraib prison - this bastard deserves everything he gets! I mean really, what kind of a world is it where I feel slightly inclined to defend Igor? Eh? A fucked up one, that’s what! Regardless, yellow is a shit colour for a car, everyone knows that.

Off the topic, but doesn’t Gretel have a glow about her lately? She’s loving life, and looks younger than ever! Must be the new moisturiser - Oil of Saxon’s Willy.

May 25, 2004

Merlin & Paul’s Big Fight

Hmmmm. I’ve delayed commenting on this cos I wanted to have a think about it first, but I think I’m ready to let my opinion rip. Ahem.

I think Paul behaved like a complete twat, but I also think he was right. Why? Well, it’s simple really. Last election in Australia, I was pretty shitty that John Howard was voted in for another term. I hate the Liberals. I hate John Howard’s arsekissing and lack of compassion. And I didn’t have any right to whinge because I had forgotten to enroll to vote. Thus, I was not entitled to have a go at anyone’s decisions regarding voting since I hadn’t bothered contributing at all either.

I think that’s a lot like the situation with Merlin. I don’t think Paul would have gone after Kane (for example) quite as harshly as he went after Merlin. Why? Because Kane doesn’t run around spouting off his political beliefs and slag off the government and get surly about it’s policy on asylum seekers. Don’t get me wrong, every Australian has a right to say what they think about their leaders and I personally agree with Merlin’s sentiments regarding asylum seekers. But how dare he have a go at Australian politics if he hasn’t bothered to get involved? He can say he’s as Aussie as the rest of us, and he’d go to war but he’d never have to because he’s not a citizen. “You have the right to vote” said Merlin tearfully to Paul, “that’s the only difference between us.” I would have thought that of all people, Merlin would appreciate what a massive and important distinction this is.

Perhaps I’m not explaining myself well, so I’ll try another trusty analogy. I’ve lived in Kenya for the last twenty years. I’m as Kenyan as a Kenyan apple pie. I run around telling everyone just how corrupt the Kenyan government is, and how fucked the country is, and I make sure my politics are obvious to all and sundry. I’ll argue with any Kenyan who disagrees with me. I know what’s best for Kenya, and they should listen to me, for God’s sake! But geez, yawn, I’ve never really gotten around to becoming, you know… a Kenyan citizen. I look like a bit of a twat, don’t I? I have a go at the Kenyan government and those who voted them in, and yet I have never bothered to try and create change myself by becoming a citizen and actually voting and participating in making a difference? Dickhead!

I don’t know what Merlin’s reasons are for not becoming a citizen is. As far as I’m aware, he would meet the criteria. I also believe (any Germans out there correct me if I’m wrong) that he could perhaps hold a dual passport and not neccessarily give up his German citizenship. So what’s the problem? Is it a personal thing, tied in with his mother as someone suggested to me? Is he just too lazy?

It’s got nothing to do with some kids calling you a Nazi bastard, Merlin - it’s got to do with not being a hypocrite and shoving politics in peoples faces when you have no intention of ever doing anything to contribute to changing the current political landscape you hate so much.

Of course, we can’t deny that Paul was being a bastard to Merlin too. He was overly aggressive, shouted him down, called him “weak as piss” and told him he wasn’t worth “shit”, and for what - to scratch that itch for a fight he’s had since the get go. And that’s a pretty fucked reason to keep pursuing someone when they’re obviously upset, whether you’re right or wrong. He displayed a particularly nasty and vicious streak, and rather than listen and find out why Merlin hasn’t become an Australian citizen, he used it as an opportunity to grand stand and mark his territory. Trust me, at this moment there’s a very excited Carmel Hill in Big Brother headquarters salivating and writing a report using the term “Alpha Male” gratuitously.

So in conclusion - Paul was a cunt, Merlin should become a citizen or stop blathering on about Australian politics and why it’s fucked and everyone can hug and love each other again in the Big Brother world.

As always, I’d be interested to hear other peoples opinions on this. It’s a sensitive topic and it’s hard to find a definate right or wrong answer, so I guess all we can do is give opinions and see where we get. I’ve laid mine down, hit me with your best shot!

PS: After realising I’d left it too short to enroll for the earlier mentioned Federal election, I didn’t get to vote. I did enroll afterwards though, and plan to make my vote count at the coming election. At least then I can say that I did my best, and everyone who voted Liberal are fuckwits who don’t know their arses from their elbows… hehehe

To their defence…

We here at ausbulture.com think all the housemates are just rad. As such, we’re formulated replies to all the reasons housemates gave for nominating each other.

The defences (alphabetical order):

Defending Ashalea

Catherine said “she’s not pulling her weight,” Elle says she’s not helping with household chores,” Wesley says he “has to clean up after her.”

Well, household chores are clearly peasant work and hence best left to everyone else.

Defending Bree

Wesley said “she’s been watching what I do and how much food I take.”

Well Wesley, perhaps you’re taking too much damn food? Did you ask everyone else if they wanted seconds before helping yourself? Eating fastest doesn’t mean you get the most food, we live in civilised society, we’re not cave men! Where are your manners?

Defending Elle

Ashalea said “she cost us a lot of fines.”

It was a team effort Ashalea. Let’s not go pointing the finger. Why aren’t you a team player?

Defending Kane

Bree said that every conversation with Kane “resorts back to football, surfing or cars.”

Actually no, that’s a great reason. Someone please tell Kane that Bree would much prefer if the conversation centred around herself.

Defending Krystal

Elle said “She pre-judged how I would feel about being nominated.” Kane said “I hear her talking at night. She’s Full-on and hard to handle.” Paul said she “made a show of being upset when Aphrodite left, even though she wasn’t a fan of Aphrodite.” Ryan “finds it hard to tak to her” and Terri said “she had no interest in what I was saying.”

Ok, since when were pre-judging people, pretending to care and being hard to talk to bad things? Shut up.

As for Terri, no one has any interest in what you say sweetie.

As for Kane - She’s full on and hard to handle? So you nominated her? Did I miss something? That’s stupid, go sit in the corner.

Defending Merlin

Krystal said Merlin was too judgemental and Terri said he made her feel like an idiot. On the other hand, Paul nominated Merlin because he cried like a baby when Paul was arguing him.

I’m going to the punching bag.

Defending Paul

Catherine said Paul was “sarcastic and opinionated.” Merlin and Trevor were upset about the argument with Merlin.

Just like cleaning is for peasants, trying to be nice to people is for plebs. Oh and Trevor, sticking up for Merlin? If you love him so much why don’t you marry him? Sheesh.

Defending Terri

Housemates said she was stubborn, negative, hard to talk to and wasn’t connected.

Errr. Screw you too. Really, you all know she’s on the way out, no need to twist the dagger.

Defending Trevor

Ashalea said he was standing away from the group during the cross dressing task.

Seriously, that doesn’t even need defending.

May 24, 2004

Nominations For The Third Eviction

It’s Monday night and the nominations have been counted. Preparing their necks for the chopping block are Ashalea, Terri, Krystal and Paul. Merlin managed to escape being up for eviction by only one point, so it’ll be interesting to see how he goes next week.

So let’s have a little run down on each housemate and ausculture.com’s thoughts about their nomination, shall we?

Terri Well, it’s not much of a surprise to see Terri here. She’s still hasn’t managed to fit in as well with the group, and while she might like to blame the age difference, I’d be leaning more to her being a little bit of a dork, bless her. Something about Terri reminds me of the kid who was on the outer at school, who tried so hard to fit in and changed all these things about themselves just to be liked but it was the fact they had to try in the first place that made the other kids feel uneasy towards them. Does that make sense? I know what I’m saying, so that’s the important thing. Again, the netball uniform was hideous, and I don’t think doing a spreadeagled victory dance just as Igor had walked out the door was the classiest reaction to being saved, but hey. In any case, I’m inclined to vote for her to leave again because while she doesn’t get on as well with the housemates, it’s a BORING kind of not-getting-along, a complete lack of fireworks.

Krystal Ahhh, Krystal - she of the krazy karnal knowledge of Shaggy. It’s funny how I like Bree a lot more than I like Krystal, and yet the two of them hang out together constantly and get up to the same mischief. I think it’s because (hold onto your seats for another school analogy!) Krystal’s the girl from school who is self-assured and confident and probably lovely to those in her clique, but tends to be a bit dismissive to those who don’t fit in quite as well. She has her good moments (telling Igor to stop rabbiting on about leaving if he was never going to get around to doing it) and her bad (letting Mr Bombastic touch her nether regions and admitting it on television) but I think the clincher for me was that she turned on the waterworks when Aphrodite left and later admitted it was for show. A bit too fake for my liking. Course, this display of emotion may well land her a job on Neighbours as Stu “Chooka” Parker’s stripper ex-girlfriend from Oakey so it may work in her favour. I say keep her in for now and see what happens.

Ashalea We all know what I think of Ashalea’s brain power, and the “Who is Mike Fines?” question she posed which was replayed during the nomination show simply cemented my worries about her education. I guarantee you, there will be no Woman’s Day interviews with the proud high school teacher if Ashalea (God forbid) makes it into the final. Who’d raise their hand and say “Yes, that was the result of my teaching”? Ashalea seemed genuinely confused that she was up for eviction - it was almost as though you could hear her thoughts - “But I didn’t nominate me, I nominated Elle and Trevor?! Barbie is prettiest when she wears pink. Where’s my gloss? What year is it?” Keep her in on the off chance she goes all Glenn Close on Ryan since Merlin turned out to be a dud.

Paul Paul hammered the nail in his own coffin on Wednesday night when he had a go at Merlin and was a bit of an arsehole. The fellow housemates hated it, the audience hated it, and he may as well pack his bags now as it’ll take a miracle to save him. Yes, some of the housemates are fake. Yes, some of the housemates act like twats. But no one likes someone over-confident who has a superiority complex, and that’s how he’s come off. I’ll talk more about the fight in another post, I think, but his general behaviour since he’s settled in the house seems to be that of someone who thinks he’s far more intelligent and knowledgable than anyone else in there, and that makes him a prime candidate for a Ben-Series-Three style arse whooping. That said, I think he should stay so there IS some conflict. Everyone who nominated him kept saying they wanted a peaceful and harmonious time in the house. Well, tough fucking luck - if I want to watch peaceful and harmonious crap on telly, I’d tune into the weather channel! They should have signed up to live in a bloody hippy commune for the next few months rather than Big Brother. If by some freak accident Paul survives this week, he wont last longer than another six weeks. But hey, maybe we’ll all have some interesting viewing over that time?

Igor vs the twister.

Let’s face it, this was never a fair match.

It’s reported that the twister may be leaving the Big Brother house with KFC possibly planning to end their association with the show. This is surprising as I know at least forty people who’ve started eating KFC Twisters due to the Big Brother tie-in.

Ben & Chrissie - BB Experts, Apparently

Oooh! The Big Brother website have enlisted the talents of BB3 housemates Ben & Chrissie for a new column where the two will discuss Big Brother shenanigans. The Herbal Essence sponsored column has been given to the two because apparently they “were the HMs with the strongest opinions in the BB2003 house”. I would have put it a little differently - “Ben was an argumentative smarmy bullying cunt and Chrissie called him on it” but that’s just me. Ben actually reminds me a hell of a lot of Paul - probably alright blokes deep down, but they feel a need to shout down and dismiss anyone whose opinions differ from their own. I sometimes do the same, but it’s charming and refreshing when I do it because all my opinions are right.

I’m thinking of asking their opinion on something because I’m quite poor at the moment and to be honest, I’m not sure I can afford my next bottle of shampoo and conditioner so the prize pack would come in handy. Sniffle. Excuse me now, I’m off to feel sorry for myself and my crappy, unhealthy, un-herbal hair…

Big Brother Eviction 2 - Bye Bye Igor!

With the eviction of Igor tonight, two things become abundantly clear. One - Australians will vote on the issue of personal hygiene, and two - anyone Crystal from Love Pavillion likes is bound to get evicted! Bad luck, Crystal, but I swear to you that I voted for Terri tonight, not poor old embattled Igs.

It should be noted that at the beginning of tonight’s eviction show I nearly had a heart attack, believing that for the first time in history Gretel wasn’t wearing something somewhat ridiculous. Imagine my relief when the camera panned out and she was wearing some hideous fishnets… Phew! That was a close one!

Anyway, where were we? Ah, that’s right - Igor got booted. Which he was happy about, I think, though it’s hard to tell with a bloke who kept changing his mind every two hours in the house as to whether he wanted to be there. He came out onstage, and Gretel began asking him about some of the crap he was saying in the beginning about his girlfriend. He admitted to having denied her existance at first, but insisted that this wasn’t because he was hoping for some in-house hanky panky and only changed his mind once he realised he had buckleys and none of picking up he didn’t fancy them.

Gretel called him on a statement he’d made in the house where he told the others that Big Brother’s producers had told him to tell everyone he was single. He acknowledged that this wasn’t correct and explained it away with “sometimes I say things the wrong way”. At this point, my friend Keeva who was watching the eviction show shouted at the telly “It’s called lying, you idiot!”. A fair point! In any case, Igor’s girly was there and happy to see him and his terrible hair, so all ended well in that regard.

Igor was chuffed to hear about his prizes, no doubt wondering how much he could sell them all for in order to repay his outstanding debts. If I was into car racing and Monaros and Ferraris, I don’t know how stoked I’d be to receive a bright yellow Mistubishi Lancer, but that’s just me.

For me, a lot of Big Brother contestants become infinately more likable once they’ve been evicted, and Igor was one of them. I thought Igor handled himself pretty well on stage, and even though he has the worst hair in the world (receding skank mullet, honestly, what is he thinking!?) he seemed like an alright bloke. It’s a shame he had to leave the house because he annoyed a lot of housemates and god knows that’s always amusing. Terri, on the other hand, I don’t hate or love or feel anything for so I wouldn’t have minded seeing her go tonight. The netball uniform has got to go though, Terri - if the producers had wanted to put Anne Seargent in the house, they would have put her in the bloody house!

Finally - after they showed the footage of Paul and Merlin’s fight during the eviction show, it’s worth noting the boos that were directed at Paul as the drama unfolded on screen. If he gets nominated - and I think there’s a VERY good chance he will be considering how hard he went at Merlin - it could well be his week to go.

And that, my friends, is the end of the Monaro man’s stint on Big Brother!

May 22, 2004

Keep Elle In - Her Life May Depend On It!

In disturbing news today, it has emerged that someone has threatened Big Brother housemate and professional farter Elle. According to smh.com.au a female caller has made serious threats to Elle’s safety to the Big Brother peeps .

This can mean only one thing - we must keep her in the house and evict Terri to ensure Elle isn’t cleaved to death by some deranged psycho who thinks Elle is talking about her in the house. All in favour say “Ayyyyyyye!”

May 21, 2004

The truth about Merlin.

Late last night while I was doing some research I stumbled across a shocking discovery. Merlin actually has a secret identity.

Unveil Merlin’s true identity (pop-up window)

May 20, 2004

Which BB Contestant Should You Shag?

Well, something like that. Big Brothers website (in conjunction with Yahoo Personals blah blah blah) has a personality quiz you can take to find out which Big Brother housemate you’d be perfect for. And guess who I got stuck with?

Bloody Aphrodite! I kid you not!

Is there no justice? I went through and took the test a few more times and all the other results came back with a guy AND a girl (Elle & Kane, Terri & Trevor) which I assumed was because they didn’t specify your sex (or perhaps they want us to gang bang?). So why JUST Aphrodite? Are they saying she’s bi-sexual? Is it another hermaphrodite wink-wink joke?

In any case, you should go and do your own test - and be sure to tell me if you think you got someone worse. Comfort me!

May 19, 2004

Stop! Heckle Time!

Ah yes, once again it’s time for my lazy reporting of the Big Brother shenanigans based soley on the official diary’s entries! I apologise for abandoning my sacred post as BB reporter for the last few days (anything I did do was even more half-arsed than usual - probably quarter-arsed) but I had to prioritise and exorcising my computer’s demons came first. Remember when I said getting a home computer wouldn’t turn me into a nerd? Now I know stuff about trojans and spyware and all sorts of geek stuff. I am so depressed. Bring on the diary!

Hands up who’s surprised - what, no one?

To me, that’s akin to buying a “renovator’s dream” and spending the next six months just polishing the door knob.

Sir Happy Ending has spoken! Seriously though, that’s pretty damn gross. I bet he leaves huge chewed off chunks of toe nail all over the carpet too.

Christ, don’t get cocky just cos Whingefest 2004 beat you to the eviction finish line! You’re hardly out of the woods yet, young man - you’re just lucky that Aphrodite made such a cock up of her first two weeks and guaranteed her own booting from the house.

Can he… hold on! He just might… nearly! Almost there! And… no! The crowd gasps in disbelief! In a shocking twist, Merlin is unable to be anymore condescending!

Am I getting old and daft, or is Krystal getting far more likable? I see Merlin threw his personal mantra into the conversation - “Think of all the people”. Yeah, man! And the trees!

Okay, she’s definately won me over - at least Krystal supports herself, Igor! And I’d like to see him bang Shaggy and have the courage to share the secret shame with the nation!

Affection… waning… urge to ridicule… rising…

Ladies and gentlemen, meet Paul - the wisest man who hath ever entered ye olde Big Brother house. Can someone remind me which housemate wore their undies on their head last season? My memory gone completely today, coffee deprivation and all that jazz.

“the Jets”? I’m going to blame this one on the online diary scribe, and give Ryan the benefit of the doubt.

Interesting… very interesting. If I were a bloke in the house, I’d prefer Elle to Krystal, but that’s just me. Incidently, I hope Elle doesn’t leave - ever since she farted on Igor I’ve suspected there’s an awesome entertaining housemate in there who is generally overshadowed by those louder entities in the house.

Krystal’s nanna will no doubt burst with pride if she hears that.

Here’s my first official prediction for 2004 - these two will get pissed as farts at some point in the next 5 weeks and have a spa pash, something which Big Brother’s Uncut show will pounce on and show over and over and over again to make up for the disappointment of Merlin failing to get it awn with Ashalea.

Trevor or Paul to win - I’m back to favouring Trevor now though, bless!

Walking Waking In A Winter Wonderland

According to newspaper reports, the housemates will awake today to find the backyard covered in snow up to 50cm deep! Brrrrrrr, but who will Merlypops cuddle for warmth now that fiery Aphro has gone? Will Ashalea be given a second chance to grab some chilli con carney?

Even I have no idea what I’m talking about now.

May 18, 2004

Goodbye Whinger’s Rose

Here goes attempt two at writing regarding Aphrodite’s eviction - can’t say it’ll be worth it though!

Sunday night saw this year’s Big Brother’s first eviction, as you all know, and the chosen victim was Aphrodite. She managed to capture 45% of the vote (ahead of Igor’s 35% and Terri’s 20%) which proves she’s not as lovable or wacky-in-a-Sara-Marie way as she initially thought.

Aphro seemed genuinely shocked that she wasn’t the nation’s darling as her name was read out, and promptly burst into rapid-fire tears, and in the longest ten seconds in history, managed to break the world record for how many times someone can scream “I love youse” before getting a door slammed in their face. Merlin was heartbroken, Ashalea lost her idol, and Terri secretly cheered.

If I was beginning to think twice about my opinion of Aphrodite (she’s an attention seeking hyperactive twat), I was jolted back into reality with the thrusting and belly dancing that ensued as she arrived on the stage. They then showed a clip of her announcing at her arrival in the Big Brother house that she “isn’t the type to bitch about youse behind your back”. Aphrodite watched the clip, nodding furiously as she sat next to Gretel (or “G” as she’s taken to calling her). Then they showed Aphrodite bitching about five hundred different people behind their backs… and she still sat there nodding! Did she not notice what she was doing? Is she so blind to her faults that she genuinely doesn’t think she did her fair share of backstabbing?

Now, no matter what you think of Aphrodite, she certainly did spice up the house a bit, so her departure will leave the house less issue-ridden but also less interesting. Was Merlin going to “crack” and jam his sensitive, politically correct tongue in her mouth? We’ll never know! She had potential to be a great housemate - she did come out with some golden one liners from time to time - but her good side seemed overpowered by her “Look at me! Look at me!” attitude and addiction to creating tension for no reason.

Did Australia make the right decision? Well, if they’re aiming for a boring Big Brother, probably. I wanted to hit her but I can appreciate what other people saw in her too. If I lived in the house, I’d want her out, but I suspect her presence will be sorely missed by a lot of people out there. Not me so much, mind, but others.

Meanwhile, Champion Of The Week has to be her mum!

Gretel: How did you feel watching her crying in the house?
Mrs Aphro Mum: Oh, I just felt like saying “Aphro, wake up to yourself”

Pity her mum couldn’t tell her in time, otherwise things might have turned out differently for Ms Vuitton. My god, that name sucks!

Yourself - found.

All that time it was staring me right in the face. Lost yourself? Take a leaf out of BB04 evictee Aphrodite’s book and change your name.

I’m going to change my name to David Beckham.

Being in NSW Australia, I’ll be using the statutory declaration to register a change of name at the NSW Registry of Births, Deaths and Marriages website. Now to decide whether my application is urgent or non-urgent.

Finding yourself.

As ‘round the clock coverage of the Big Brother household has seemingly driven Jess mad, I realised that I’d have to take the reign on BB04 reporting for today.

So, getting home from helping out at the orphanage, I got my milk and cookies and sat down to watch Big Brother up Late, pen and paper in hand. By about 12:30 I was getting headspins and - quite frankly - was starting to fear for my life. As a result, my viewing ended there.

However, I did take some notes. Here’s my spiral into madness in all its ‘glory’.

Merlin and Kane are discussing religion. Kane is a theist, he still totally believes in god and all that stuff. Merlin wonders if Kane’s spirituality is inspired by David Beckham. Why David Beckham? What have I missed? Kane isn’t sure what type of religious ceremony he’s been going to since he was four, but thinks it’s Christian. Kane gave up attending church because he was too busy doing sport. Like David Beckham?

Elle and Catherine are discussing how they are on Big Brother so they can find themselves. This is probably a better option than putting your picture on a milk carton. Catherine grabs Elle’s hand in a display of “I know how you’re feeling.” Elle and Catherine keep talking, instead of looking for themselves, or David Beckham. Catherine tells Elle to “go girl.”

Interview with Aphrodite. Mike G is an incredibly talented rhymer. He should change his name to Mike G. Unlike Aphrodite but like Kane, Mike G has a David Beckham circa 2002 haircut. Aphrodite and Mike fidget and discuss Merlin, King Arthur and Davidsons’ “Anomalous monism.”

David Beckham. Real Madrid. Real-ity television. Big Brother.

Kane. Merlin, Kane, David Beckham. Don’t you leave him Samwise Gamgee, and I don’t mean to, I don’t mean to.

May 17, 2004

Aphro Evicted

I wrote a bloody huge post about this and then my computer had a fit and destroyed it all. I’m gutted, so I’ll repost later on when I can be bothered again!

May 14, 2004

Jessica Hardy Sneaks Into BB House?

Please tell me I’m not the only one who thinks that in this photo, Paul is the spitting image of Jessica Hardy?! I really did have to look twice!

Oh, YUCK Terri!

I really did not need to know what she shoves up her noo noo when the internet dating goes sour!

Intruder Rumours - BBBA Dig The Dirt

The hardworking folk over at BBBA have found out some information regarding possible intruders in the Big Brother house.

Among the potentials (a pink Excel driver and an ‘asian pornography photographer’ - wonder if they have THAT in the Careers Guide they hand out in schools?) is this bloke - his name is Scotty Mac and he drives a hotted up car. Erm, rightio. I’m bristling with excitement! Perhaps he’ll be Ashalea’s next victim target?

Meanwhile, BBBA’s rumour bin - which I assume is based on it’s forum postings - have rather interesting gossip, although it’s more than likely a pile of horsecrap.

- Wesley and Kane have both shagged Molly Meldrum, and someone’s friend (ahh, the old ‘my friend’) has filmed it. Highly unbelievable, though it’d be different if we were talking about the Popstars Live stars.

- Ashalea is both bitchy (gasp!) and a stripper (gasp more!)

- Ryan was arrested for armed robbery when he was 17, and served a 15 month sentence in the clink!

Countdown to NW publishing this goss? They thrive off BBBA, bless ‘em. I owe the mag one for revealing that Aphrodite changed her surname to Vuitton. Yes, as in the handbag bloke. Yet one more reason to want to slap her.

Yours sincerely,

Jess Prada-Gucci.

Jess & Marty On Up Late

Still together after all these years, eh? Who thought it would last? Not me! Nothing else to report, really, except Marty is cultivating a fiiiiiiine mullet.

May 13, 2004

Best Of The BB Diary - Officially Schiiiick Fursday, Maate!

Some more diary comments, this time about today’s entries.

Today’s Diary

Merlin, stop being so nice! Tell her she’s a porker and give her the drama you can tell she’s been craving since Igor wanted to talk “in person” and sorted everything out!

As IF Aphrodite doesn’t look like Pia Miranda and Cosima De Vito’s lesbian love child!

I see Aphrodite has read The Eight Year Old’s Guide To Playground Pick-Ups. Trying to pull his pants down? What’s next, doctors and nurses? You know, if this was a bloke harassing a girl (even if his intentions were to muck about) he’d be having his arse kicked with the term sexual harassment bandied around constantly. Why has no one said anything to Aphro? Least of all Merlin!

Gold!

Christ. You dense bird!

Haha, I bet he’s asking generally, not just because of the movie thing. Sticks out like dog’s balls - what a vocab! Can you imagine how creative and romantic a Valentines Day card from Aphrodite would be?

To me, you are my everything
My dog’s balls, my sick cunt
You are by far the greatest prey
A psycho like me could hunt

Hahaha, and I wonder who changed it? Mr Sensitive, I’m guessing. Aphrodite would have been too busy molesting Merlin or hearing the sound of her own voice to bother with Chinese Whispers.

Ryan is quite witty, when he wants to be! And Kane has just shown a disturbing amount of Kylie trivia for a straight man.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! But then…

Really? You’d better hope she wasn’t in earshot, Ryan, or she’ll be humping you like a Rottweiler in heat as you sleep!

Methinks Aphrodite wants to get smashed to ensure even more screen time. Silly girl.

Best Of The BB Diary - Wicked Wednesday

Rather than write anything creative tonight, I think I’ll just copy and paste from the Official Big Brother Top Secret Totally Fully Schiiick Maaaate Government Diary, and make a comment or two. That saves brain power, doesn’t it!

Yesterday’s Diary

Haha, a week ago I was talking to someone about how funny it was when Vincent got called out to do a task early one morning and kept trying to push down his morning glory as he got ready and we wondered if it’d happen again. It did - and while they didn’t show it on the daily show tonight, you DID see Kane’s face as he woke up and realised “Oooooh shit!” and wrapped a blanket around himself. Gold.

You tell her, Merlin! I did think Merlin was a real knob when he first went in the house, but he’s showing a lot of patience with ADD-suffering Aphrodite and ‘endearingly naive’ Ashalea. The silly hippy!

I can’t tell if he’s being profound or just rattling off Animal Planet facts. Still, I think I’m going to use this one randomly for the next week and see how people react - “And work has totally sucked lately…” “Really? I guess it’s that whole ‘takes a monkey seven years to realise if it’s looking at itself in a mirror’ thing” and see if people see my new depth. Schiiick.

Hey, I thought Terri was meant to be the desperate one! Ashalea’s got a boyfriend and yet she’s beginning to pursue anything with a pulse (and still having more luck than Terri).

You know, I’m starting to find both Bree and Wesley somewhat endearing. Even though their names are Wesley and Bree. They seem pretty nice, and Wesley trying to get dressed into his wedding gear while pissed off his tits was hilarious on tonight’s daily show. These two will, I think, still be around by the half-way mark.

Terri, Terri, Terri. If the I before E except after C rule came into play, it WOULD be receipe. Which it’s not. And I can’t believe Ashalea was right! Kudos to you, Lust Bunny!

I’m with you, Trevor. If ever there was an argument for compulsory sedation of housemates, it’d be Aphrodite.

I started feeling rather ill when I read that, because my mind jumped from Bree’s yeast infection to the HMs getting stuck into lunch, and kinda blurred it together. Shudder.

So she can then go off and have a cry and have all the attention on her dramas? Urgh, there’s something really offputting about someone over the age of ten who behaves like a little twat in order to get some attention. I think she really might have some issues! In any case, I hope she gets what she’s after - a big “fuck off” and hopefully a fop on the noggin.

Around Australia, thousands of teenage girls and gay men simultaneously curse Wesley’s girlfriend.

According to certain piss-taking Nova radio DJ’s, that was the real Big Brother secret. But even though she has a deep voice and says ‘cunt’ more often than the other gals would like, I’m fairly sure Aphrodite is all woman. A scary woman, but a woman all the same.

So there you go, forum gossips and my mother - he’s not gay. Course, he could still be bisexual. And good for him!

May 12, 2004

Bug The Shit Out Of Merlin Week Starts

As mentioned in the Housemate Nominations post below, Aphrodite has abandoned Igor in order to shit stir poor old Merlin. I wonder why no other guy in the Big Brother house seems to be getting this amount of attention? Regardless - here’s some snippets from the official diary which might help you start empathising for Merlin.

An innocent beginning… but then, it’s only breakfast time. She’s not warmed up.

No, he prefers girls with no grasp of Geography or common sense for that matter.

She’s getting warmed up…

By now, Merlin’s probably beginning to think “I wish she’d leave me be” but is too nice to say anything. Naive, Merlin. Endearingly naive.

Patience… waning… but then -

HAHAHA! Gold, absolute gold! She tries to psychoanalyse him, he tells a girl who hates her dad that she fancies men like her father! Hands down my favourite Merlin moment so far.

You said it, sunshine! He mustn’t have gotten the memo about Bug The Shit Out Of Merlin Week.

Maybe he just doesn’t want to talk to you cos you’re an annoying twit of a girl? The fact that he doesn’t want to bone Ashalea or listen to Aphrodite doesn’t mean he has issues, it means he has a brain.

Way to be sensitive about his dead mother, Aphrodite! Hahaha, probably an attempted revenge on his earlier father figure comment.

Anyhoo, as you can see, Aphrodite’s quest to piss Merlypops off has gotten off to a flying start today. Knowing how quick Aphrodite can spin something into the world’s hugest crisis, can we expect a slanging match by Thursday? We can only hope…

Stop Press - Krystal Must Be Evicted!

At least that’s what some illiterate Queenslander chick would like. The following was posted on in the Yahoo forums earlier…

Violent? Slutty? Potentially about to suffer from withdrawals? Keep her in! This could make up for the Igor-Aphro saga and be infinately more interesting then any of Aphrodite’s imminent melodramas!

Housemate Nominations

Anyone who regularly visits ausculture.com would know that as well as being ‘endearingly naive’ I can also be pretty lazy and distracted, so it’s no surprise I haven’t said a word about housemate nominations as yet (thankfully though, Crystal from Love Pavillion jogged my memory in our comments section - tah, I actually forgot!). What can I say, I was distracted by stinkin’ Survivor, though that’s a pretty lame excuse considering I’m meant to be writing for a frickin’ Big Brother blog. I don’t see a Survivor blog around here, do I? But enough chastising myself and on with the show!

It’ll come to little surprise to anyone that Igormaaaaaaaaayte is up for eviction. Poor ol’ Igor has had a tough week, what with a barrage of love then hate from Aphrodite, and Merlin behaving as his self-appointed conscience regarding Igor’s attitude towards women and his use of rather antiquated terms for homosexuals. I’m a big soft leftie at heart, but Merlin kicks my arse. Don’t be surprised if he leaves the Big Brother house, only to marry an asylum seeking lesbian Aboriginal tree (with a disabilty). Anyhoo, Igor managed to earn himself a staggering seventeen nomination points, and the house is convinced he’ll be going, but they may very well be counting pre-natal chickens. In any case, his nomination casts doubt on his cocky prediction on day two to Aphrodite that they’d be the “last two standing”.

Personally I haven’t actually heard much of Igor’s derogatory comments about women, but if I was in the house, I’d say the farting and snot-related grossness would traumatise me a little. I’ve lived with an adorable big fella before who loved nothing better than hocking up phlegm to relax, which I learned to live with, but once we found a Mt Franklin bottle on his passenger seat with a COLLECTION of his phlegm, well… that’s enough of that story! I guess Igor has triggered a flashback. Either way, whether you love him and think him fooooly schick, or if he irritates the fuck out of you - no one should be surprised he’s up.

Aphrodite, who has also had a whinge drama filled week, managed to have six nomination points aimed at her direction, and the discovery of her nomination resulted in a flood of tears for poor Aphro. Deadset, I have never seen so many tears stream from a human being’s eyes in a twenty second period. Bree needn’t worry, Aphrodite’s tear ducts are working overtime for the both of them. With the conclusion of Igor Sucks Week, Aphro is now pursuing Bug The Shit Out Of Merlin week, which perhaps she thinks we’ll find endearing? Well, in any case, it must be nice for Merlin to have a break from Ashalea’s constant affection, even if it involves him getting Carmel Hill-ed by Aphro.

Last but not least, Terri was nominated for eviction after also receiving six nomination points. The only thing I’ve gathered about Terri is that she really, really wants a root. Other than that, I can honestly say I have barely remembered she’s in the house. However, the other housemates found her conversation uninteresting (I guess I could agree, since I haven’t bothered paying attention to any of them) and The Blonde Brigade nominated her for talking over the top of them. Oddly, Terri has assumed that she was nominated for burping and showering naked.

Who does ausculture.com want evicted? Well, I can’t speak for Patrick - hell, I don’t know if he’s even watching the show! - but I personally couldn’t care less. Yes, Igor and Aphrodite have been annoying me, but perhaps if they left, the place would be duller? I don’t particularly care for Terri either, but perhaps a sick part of me is waiting for her to get drunk and start hitting on the younger lads. So basically - I don’t know. Or really care much. That’s not good, is it?

May 10, 2004

Big Brother Says “Lay Off Ashalea, She’s Special”

The Big Brother website has become rather, well, erm - brotherly - towards young Ashalea, and published a “How great is Ashalea, guys? C’mon, like her! Please? She’s really nice when you get to know her!” article, which encourages us to overlook the fact she’s been completely and utterly devoid of intelligence so far, because she’s so “sweet”. Or, as the article actually says, “Fant-ASH-tic”. Good lord, it’s a lame pun anyways but it’s made even lamer by the CAPITALS they’ve helpfully used so us idiots who actually know where Berlin is don’t accidently overlook it’s brilliance.

Erm, suuuuure Big Brother. Whatever you want to tell yourself. Big Brother even goes so far to defend Ashalea as to start accusing Wesley of being the stupid one!

At least he knew where it fucking was! And let’s not be too hard on Wes for getting East and West mixed up - in fairness, he was probably flabbergasted by Ashalea’s complete ignorance and got a little tongue-tied.

While defending Ashalea’s shortcomings, the Big Brother site has also unintentionally given us a “Best Of” list when it comes to her daftness. I forgot half the silly things she’d done, but now I can recall her thinking Igor came from “Mongolia” and didn’t know what an “old fella” refered to.

And isn’t it refreshing to see Big Brother trying to save a housemate from the court of public opinion - most years, they’ve been happy to fuel the public’s thirst for blood regarding perceived crap housemate behaviour. Johnnie ‘Rotten’ and Prick Tease Jo will vouch for that.

However, Big Brother’s right, and I will try and give it a rest when it comes to pointing out Ashalea’s constant cluelessness. Instead, I might focus on her rather scary obsession with poor Merlin which quite literally started from the first minute she entered the house, and is gradually escalating to bunny-boiler proportions. Poor Merlin!

Those Cheeky Big Brother Scribes

Looks like they played silly buggers with the Housemate’s Secret’s thingo from yesterday. Ahem - allow me to correct the below…

Wesley - was not confused for Prince William, but rather stopped breathing for eight minutes as a child. Goodness.

Krystal - “dated” Shaggy after Rumba in 2002. And when he visited Oz in 2003, they “dated” again. I’m sure he “dated” her from behind with a spliff in his mouth too. Personally, having any contact with Shaggy would have been a secret I’d take to my grave! Uh-wah.

In other news, I’m finding Krystal far less annoying as time goes on, I think this is because all my anger and frustration has been redirected towards Whingefest 2004. Everyday, she gives me a new reason to want to slap her.

May 8, 2004

Big Brother Housemate Secrets

Well, from about lunch time today the Big Brother misfits participated in the “Secret’s Revealed” task. One housemate would tell three different secrets to their fellow housemates, who would then have to work out which one is true, and which were lies. Personally, I’d hardly call them secrets, more ‘Did you know’ kinda facts, but I guess they’ve revealed all their secret secrets already (“I’m a stripper”, “I’ve had a rub’n’tug”, or “I have a girlfriend” in Igor’s case, a secret so tragic it caused Aphro to be a whining wench for three days).

Here’s a run down on the correct secrets.

Ryan - met Chris Martin from Coldplay and taught him the Sydney Swans song, which Chris then sang the following night at the Hordern.

Kane - was shot… by a nail gun, which is a little less gangsta. Still, he’s the closest so far to being 50 Cent. Perhaps a single soon - “In Da House”?

Wesley - was confused for Prince William in London and interviewed by the paparazzi. Lucky you weren’t driving, Wesley!

Merlin - was an illegal immigrant in Australia for eight years, though I prefer the false fact which was that Merlin’s dad changed his name years ago to Gandalf. That would have been cool! “You shall not pass have any dinner till you finish that spliff!”

Aphrodite - once fell over Keanu Reeves in a crowd and didn’t recognise him. I bet that didn’t stop her telling him her worries and problems over and over again for hours though.

Bree - has never cried a tear in her life cos she was born with buggered up tear ducts - freaky!

Ashalea - and a friend went out to McDonalds in Japan wearing bright blue pyjamas with ducks on them. Wow, Ashalea, that’s like, totally crazy. Now let’s see if we can find Berlin on a big map using our Barbie doll as a compass.

Catherine - was once handcuffed to a fridge by a policeman. He was a friend of hers though which makes it a little less Law & Order and a little more kinky…

Paul - accidently stabbed himself with a butcher’s knife while washing up, and nearly died. That’s quite a fuck up - was he stoned at the time? “Whoa, man, check out all the shiiiiiiiny vibes from the… oh SHIT! CALL A FUCKING DOCTOR!”

Igor - was in a plane crash in Germany - he was in a light aircraft and it skidded out of control on the runway. It’s almost like when the Uruguayan rugby team’s plane crashed into the Andes and they had to eat each other except without the excitement or drama or interest.

Trevor - has a birthmark in the shape of a love heart on the end of his knob. Hahahahahaahaha!

Elle - used to collect chicken heads and keep them hidden in ice cream cartons for her mum to find. Odd, but amusing too. Worth noting that one of Elle’s fake facts was that she and her sister have a third nipple. At this point, Ashalea asked “When you say third nipple, do you mean breast or eye?”. Ashalea, Mensa just called. They’ve declined your application again.

Terri - has been to a swinger’s club. Unsurprisingly, the group picked this one as the correct fact. The girl wants a root from anyone, doesn’t she? She’s tried internet dating, she’s given bisexuality a bash, why would we flinch if she’s been to a swinger’s club? My question is, did she manage to pick up?

Krystal - still waiting for her to share her secret. What’s left for her to reveal? Is she really a man? Fingers crossed…

May 7, 2004

And They’re Finally Up!

I am really not a dirty old perve, as I said earlier. Now, with that out of the way - we have the first rudey nudey showerpics online! The only game naked showerererer was Ryan, who announced the other day that he was worried he was the only one showering in the nuddy, and expressed concern about the size of his dangly bits. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with him - he seems perfectly normal to me in the pics on Big Brother Uncensored. He’s not meant to be at full mast, after all!

Am I the only one who finds it suss that there were 80+ pictures of a raunchy Krystal available for upload the second she announced she was a stripper? Methinks the timing was a little too perfect. Couldn’t have been pre-planned to ensure maximum exposure, surely? No, never! Big Brother contestants might be called many things, but never attention whores… Ahem.

Ooooh! An Exciting BB Evening!

And I didn’t even get to watch it! That’s right, I was too busy watching Walker: Texas Ranger (well, not watching, but I hadn’t switched channels) to realise that Big Brother Up Late was on, and when I did, I had just missed all the dramas. Do you know how annoying that is? The only other times I’ve ever flicked over to Ten late at night, all I’ve seen are some crappy housemates sleeping. Lazy shits.

In any event, last night was a right shit-storm at the Big Brother house - and no doubt that’s what the producers were expecting, plowing them with alcohol. Nice work! First fisticuff of the night was between Ryan and Krystal, who had a bit of a barney after he admitted to having had a ‘rub and tug’.

And personally, I would happen to agree with him. While getting your tits out for decrepit old men in a club and letting them have a squeeze isn’t exactly the same thing as wanking a guy for cash, the fact is in both cases a ‘woman is being paid to pleasure a man’. Just cos the old bloke doesn’t come in your hand doesn’t hide the fact that you got paid cash to do something sexual for the benefit of a randy bloke.

Hey, it’s not my place to be judging strippers or prostitutes, live and let live, but it seems a little iffy that young Krystal thinks it’s her place to have a go at Ryan. While I see valid points in both their arguments, I’m going to have to go with Ryan on this one. Sorry, Delta.

Meanwhile, Whingefest 2004 and Igor had yet another blow out before making up later that night. I’m getting a little bored of Aphrodite’s CONSTANT dramas. Seriously, anyone that can have major whining attacks by day two, and then threaten to walk by day five is far too moody for my liking. It’s like having Irena back!

Cue my yawning. Could she want to pash him any more? She’s only surly with him cos she’s found out he has a girlfriend. I tell you what, Aphro, if you dream of having sex in the back of a Monaro for the next 30 years, I say go for it. Everyone knows that it’s perfectly legitimate to hook up with someone taken who’s in the Big Brother house - look at Jess and Marty. And besides, Igor’s “on a break” and every man and his dog (and Ross from Friends!) can vouch for that being a Get Out Of Jail Free card!

The Endearingly Naive Ashalea - Ahem.

Big Brother are trying to portray Ashalea as a sweet, innocent, loveable young thing…

She’s displaying an endearing naivety cos she doesn’t know where the Berlin Wall is? My fucking arse, Big Brother! She’s displaying an astounding amount of ignorance! Someone find out which school she went to, and get the Government to close it down!

Remember how far Britain’s Jade Goody got with the same ‘endearing naivety’? Of course, my memory of BB3 in the UK is a little rusty - from what I recollect, Jade wasn’t labelled endearingly naive but rather a fat, stupid pig by a vicious media and the show itself. Amazing what a different physique can do to the way Big Brothers portray you, isn’t it? And her similarity to Ashalea is a lot more specific than just being ‘endearingly naive’. Click on the Jade Goody link and read a transcript of what became the most famous of Jade’s foolish conversations. It ends

May 6, 2004

Merlin & Ashalea

My god. They’re making me wince, they really are. They remind me of two awkward 14 year olds circling each other at a party after wolfing down a Bacardi Breezer too quickly and trying to pick each other up with all the skill and subtlety of a brick. Personally, I don’t need a flash back to my teen years!

Was that not the worst line ever? It pains me to hear it, it really does.

What kind of fucking commune was this kid brought up on?! For Christ’s sake, I understand if drugs make you feel sick, or you don’t want to look like a stoner knob, or you don’t have the money - but that “Me neither, it’s illegal and I believe in the law!” line sounds like it should be coming out of an overeager kindergarten pupils mouth, not a 24 year old man raised by hippies!

Day 5 - But Where’s The Nudie Pics?

I’m not some creepy perve who scours the internet for dirty pictures, honest to God. I’m just a curious Big Brother watcher who likes to see if my guesstimates about contestants wang sizes are spot on or not. Nothing wrong with that, is there?

Well, I’m being foiled in my non-pervy quest for knowledge by the complete lack of pics out there. Every day, I check Big Brother Uncensored’s site for just the one screen capture but no - it’s five hundred million shots of that bloody Krystal and nothing else. Is it just me or is Krystal-With-A-K a perfect stripper’s name? I really don’t think she had to change it to Delta to add that air of authenticity…

So I headed back to bbuncensored.com today only to be told

What the fuck? I hardly think my 56K modem could ever be accused of downloading something too rapidly. And 6207.46 seconds? How fucking long is that? Is it around 100 minutes? My head hurts trying to work it out.

No. Fucking. Justice. Ever.

We’re in this together

At ausculture.com, we’re so excited about Big Brother that we lie awake at night pretending we’re on the show. In fact, we’ve even gone so far as to create our our own mini Big Brother-esque profile.

Here’s an idea. We run a Big Brother Ausculture where the idea is to stay on this website until your eyes start to bleed.

Anyway, Ryan is well ahead of the competition in the popularity ratings. I’m convinced it’s because he’s a Libra, any other suggestions?

May 5, 2004

More Highlights From The Top Secret Government Endorsed Official Diary That ASIO Reads Daily…

My beloved mother swears black and blue that Merlin prefers poop chute to poontang, and I was starting to suspect she was right! Is Merlin covering up a deep desire to nibble Kane’s pink bits with this hand holding escapade with the Barbie Girl, or is he genuinely shy with the laydeez? Personally, Merlin, I wouldn’t worry about impressing young Ashley Ashalea. Considering she has no idea where Berlin is, I imagine she’d be stoked if you were able to tell her which suburb she was in.

Aphro, my dear, I’m beginning to tire of your antics! Anyone who can run through the gauntlet of emotions in two days is a worry and\or attention hound. It’s like watching Meryl Streep deliver a performance after eating a bowl of amphetimines for breakfast. As for planning your Logies appearance, well - I don’t care if it’s in jest, I think there are far too many chickens being counted while we’re only in the laying stages.

Glad to see Trevor going back to the jokes that made me like him in the beginning, as ever since he’s been in the house he’s been quite withdrawn. I expect he has been waiting for the Sportsgirl Posse to stop the verbal diarrhea.

Actually, Big Brother Transcriber Person, he actually said “Tezisha firdy yeerol bewdifool wumn wif big bress…” Igor is a lot better than what I thought he’d be like, but I still need subtitles to battle with all that mumbling!

And I wonder why she’d need that for inside the Big Brother house? Hmmm… Methinks she planned that “confession” since the get-go as a way of ensuring attention on her. Tut tut!

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is just one example of the tintillating conversation we can expect to eavesdrop on over the next three months. You’ve been warned!

May 4, 2004

The Big Brother Rules

Was anyone else amused by the great dramatics Big Brother went on with on Sunday night declaring all the intense rules of the game? Like by the fourth series we’re not familar with them.

My favourite part was when the “Luke, I am your father…” Big Brother voiceover stated the last two rules (“The contestants MUST speak English. Intimidating, violent or aggressive behaviour will not be tolerated.”) and then followed it on with “Big Brother reserves the right to change any rule at any time.”

So wait, at any point in time, they can all go violent and speak another language?

What can we expect with the tasks of this series? Roman Week, where everyone has to speak Latin and the least favourite housemates fight in mini-Colloseum errected in the Big Brother yard? Perhaps French Revolution Week, which could be a twist on last years Have & Have Not’s task - everyone speaks French, and the Have’s are overthrown and beheaded in the attractive puke-green Big Brother kitchen?

And there are so many more entertaining options. Gestapo Week, Pol Pot Week, and maybe if we’re lucky we might see Operation Iraqi Freedom where a small group of housemates speak absolute shit, eat Freedom Fries and bomb the fuck out of the remaining contestants?

Gretel - where’s Hansel?

So Gretel says that “…I really get the feeling that the Australian public is looking forward to this series.”

Which is much like my own take on the situation except that I would have finished that sentence with the word ‘ending.’

At any rate, my own knowledge of Big Brother isn’t what it should be. I’ll simply ask the following:

Whatever happened to Hansel?

Highlights From The Official Diary…

And you know what? I bet that’s the only reason you did it, you attention hound! Erm, enough Krystal for tonight.

You think so, genius? That’s some crazy talk but you just might be onto something!

…… I said I wouldn’t say anything more, so I won’t, but you can imagine what I WOULD have said, can’t you? It would have been witty, concise, and just a little sexy.

Ryan, I love you, I really do!

Elle, I love you, I really do! Please marry Ryan, thanxverymush.

Hahahaha, Bree, you just went up 50 points in my books!

I’d rather you got along better with an English teacher, Igor! “Get along good” indeed! Tut tut….

May 3, 2004

Guess who’s a stripper?

Why it’s my favourite housemate Krystal! Excellent work, BBUncensored, for managing to have seventy-something pics of her up within 24 hours! Would you like to see some scantily clad Krystal? Head over here then.

The Last 24 Hours

Well, a little delayed but here’s ausculture.com’s round up of last night’s Big Brother 2004 launch, and some thoughts after tonight’s very first daily show for this year.

Gretel is looking lovely and blonde and botoxed this year - her slow morphing into a surfer babe 20 years younger will simply add fuel to Sydney Confidential’s suspicions that she’s shagging Saxon. This is a haunting visual picture though which may forever turn me off sex, so no more Saxon\Gretel talk - honest. Okay maybe the odd snide remark… In any case, she’s also wearing a dress that is eerily reminiscent of Kylie “Can’t Get You Out Of My Head” tit-n-fabric precarious balancing act, and I pray to God that there won’t be any Janet-esque accidents tonight.

So yay, here we are at the very first show, and Gretel announces the first contestant for this year’s Big Brother - Wesley!

Wesley has a girlfriend, he swims, and wants to be Prime Minister. First thoughts for me are that he’s kind of cute, I guess, if you’re a 13 year old girl, but he’s suffering a major case of bland-itis. I suspect that he might be the boatshoe of the house.

Next cab off the ranks is Terri, a 30-something blonde on the look out for luuurve. She’s been internet dating without much luck, so I assume she figured she’d have better luck with the fellas once she’s locked in a house with them and they’ve got no excuse to get away from her.

And now we have the first dad in Big Brother history - surfer dude and father of two Paul! Immediately, he comes off as a stoner, but I suspect he’s smarter than your average surfer-bear. He’s a pretty likable bloke, devoted to the kids and wifey, and declares he has a penchant for debates. The first contestant this year that I’ve actually thought I might like. Still, I wouldn’t leave him in charge of the herb garden unless you fancy Queensland’s finest popping by.

Now here comes the girl Gretel previously declared was named after a stone. Perhaps, Gretel - if you’re illiterate. Krystal is who I assume is meant to be the bombshell this year - young, blonde, tits. Oooh, imagine the Google hits that last part’s gonna get us! Ahem. Krystal annoys me - I couldn’t put my finger on what it was at the time but I just got the “stage school show-off” vibe from her. Once people stop wanting to have sex with her, they’ll probably get irritated.

Young Merlin works for an independent record label and Gretel tells us that he’s cute. Perhaps he is, in a kind of skinny-rave way, but he has a neck longer than a Galapogos turtle which I would, in my shallow way, find too distracting. Nevermind, he seems okay and yet I remain uninterested. I begin to fear this year’s Big Brother will be an even bigger let down than I anticipated.

At this point, Gretel does a wander into the audience and sits next to a young boy of about ten who is dressed as a house. Yes. Gretel asks him who his favourite housemate has been so far, and he answers that it’s Merlin.

“Why’s that, what do you like about him?” Gretel enquires.

“His looks” replies the young boy, and Gretel’s expression indicates that like the rest of us, she suspects that this young boy might have just come out to the nation, bless.

Our next female housemate to be announced is Ashalea. That spelling is going to drive me madder than when I first saw Krystal’s name. Ashalea is another pretty young thing, though the first brunette gal we’ve seen. She likes Barbie and works in a kindy - I’m thinking she might be a ‘young’ 19. I also think she might have money, considering she drives a very schmick looking VW convertible. Again, I’m uninterested in her.

Oooh, and here comes fooly schick maaaaaate Igor! Igor is a 27 year old car-loving Macedonian lad, and his mate informs us he is very “family orientated”. This means that Igor lives at home and his mum attends his every need. He comes off as every car loving wog stereotype you’ve ever heard, and I am hypnotised by his hair (part semi-mullet, part receding hairline) but at the very least, he should prove interesting, especially when thrown in group they’ve already assembled.

Now the Big Brother team show us a video montage of those who’s applications didn’t quite cut the mustard with the Big Brother selectors. In all honesty, I found at least seven of these rejects (especially the contortionist guy!) infinitely more likable than any of the contestants we’ve been introduced to so far.

Gretel then introduces the dyslexic’s favourite cheese, Bree. Bree is an attractive 21 year old girl from the Gold Coast, who claims to be ‘relationship retarded’. Folks, she’s already qualified to be half of the next Big Brother on-screen couple! If you ask me, they tried to play up a little bit of a lesbian angle between her and her housemates (“We live, work and play together” - cue shot of the three ladies in the water all over each other like mermaids who have been fed Ecstacy & Viagra cocktails all morning…) Oh, and she also announces that the only man to be faithful to her is her pet bird. At this point, I began to suspect that Big Brother producers raided the Sportsgirl Christmas Party to find this year’s female contestants.

Imagine my relief when the first real character appeared on stage. Trevor is a 30 year old guy from Northern New South Wales with a lovely head of natural dreadlocks and a great sense of humour. He cracked me up numerous time, but especially when he announced “I can lift heavy things… that’s about it” regarding his job skills. He seemed distracted by seeing his face on the monitors which was quite amusing, and dwelled alot on his soulmate, a girlfriend of four years. She looked freakishly underage in the video footage (I felt like getting the SVU team onto him!) but I was relieved to see she looked much older and legal when the camera panned onto her in the front row. This guy is one of my top two!

Now the Big Brother team give us housemate number ten - a 26 year old Greek belly dancer named Aphrodite. I’m sorry, Channel Ten, but you’re not fooling anyone. I had no idea Pia Miranda was so hard up for film roles since Garage Days! She proclaimed to have a great gift when it comes to impersonations, at which point I turned to the person next to me and said “Yeah, perhaps an exagerated Greek woman?” and sure enough - an Effie impersonation. Whoever would have seen it coming? Anyways, this so-called “Aphrodite” was wearing a delightful orange number with white go go boots, which I liked, but that’s about all I noticed because at this stage my fellow viewers and I stopped listening and began debating as to whether that was a mole on her neck. It was.

Pre-pubescent girls, hold onto your seats, because it’s 20 year old Kane! Kane is a young, cute surfer who seems very sweet, but he too has a girlfriend which is really making the possibility for a house romance quite difficult. His mum was surprisingly honest with her summation of him, saying “Kane can be very vain, he always looks at himself in a mirror”. Bless. Kane seems quite a likable young lad, and anyone who allows their girlfriend to wax their legs AND pubic area every three weeks - well, that’s a devotion I respect.

Elle, a 22 year old from WA, won me over the instant she confessed “I have been known to let one rip”. Freedom with flatulence can only encourage interesting and intellectual discussions in the house. She’s going into the house as an act of revenge on her boyfriend, who had been planning an overseas trip he needed to do “just for him” later this year (ie: he wanted to go overseas and fuck around and then come home to a girlfriend) so if you ask me, it’s a pretty decent reason to go in. I swear to God, the next contestant who tells Gretel that they’re going into the house “purely for the experience” can have the experience shoved up their rectum till it hits the back of their tonsils.

Following on from the farter is Ryan, a 27 year old Adelaide boy who is the second member of my Top Two club. Ryan works behind the bar at his local footy club, and describes himself as a “tall, skinny dork”. Awww. Ryan is very deadpan in a Dave Hughes sense, and very funny. The video promo before he comes out sees Ryan announcing to the camera “This is my beautiful garden” before the camera pans out to a yard full of concrete and dead weeds. He tells Gretel he’s a member of the MLS (Massive Loser Squad), and explains that his “My Knee’s Fine” shirt was a response to incesant questioning by friends regarding a footy injury he had earlier. A real Aussie footy-loving bloke who will no doubt win over a lot of the public with his easy going attitude.

Last but not least is 33 year old single mother of two Catherine. Catherine is a beautician who seems nice enough but is pretty different from the rest of the Sportsgirl posse and might have problems fitting in. She seems very nice though, and will probably be the surrogate mum for a lot of the younger housemates, but only time will tell if she’ll be interesting viewing.

And that’s it! A wave goodbye, and the fourteen new Channel Ten slaves are locked in the house… Ooooer! Immediately, Krystal bugs the shit out of me by behaving a lot like Carlo did when the BB3 people entered the house. She is overly familiar with everyone, like she’s trying to put on a display for the public. She might as well be wearing a shirt saying “Don’t vote me off! Look at what a people person I am! Watch me hug everyone and tell them I love them!”. I hope for her sake she doesn’t go the way of Carlo, and by that I mean Cuntville.

We see one of the girls approach Catherine with a simple “You’re pretty” - an opening line which might have worked in kindergarten when followed with “so let’s be best friends and go eat some Clag” but twenty-something years on it just comes off a little awkward. Nevermind, Catherine seems to like it.

There’s loads of hugging and kisses hello, which to me seems a little forced but hey, and my initial positive thoughts of Paul, Trevor and Ryan seem justified. And here endeth Sunday night’s show!

Tonight’s show, well, I’ll be brief cos I want a cigarette. They spent their first night in the house, but from now on they’ll be sleeping outside, camp-style. Ashalea confesses she fancies Merlin (Lord knows what they’ll name their kids), Aphrodite and Igor do wonderful things for Macedonian-Greek relations by getting on like a house on fire (to the point where she rather creepily watches him sleep while he’s ill, and sl…o…w…l…….y covers him up with his sleeping bag, though I think she was just waiting for him to show some signs of consciousness so she could have a whinge about her feelings. Christ woman, it’s day one!) and Krystal came off like a bit of a bitch when she had the first whinge about people needing sleep. Bossy wench. Oh, and Wesley’s diary room entry left me shaking my fist at the screen by the 17th time he said “you know….. so….. you know….. and umm…. so….. you know…..” instead of communicating clearly. Better work on that before moving to Kirribilli House, son.

Will update next when inspired.

A Tragic Beginning

And unbelievably, I’m not talking about Big Brother 4.

Just as I promise - nay, committed to - providing reports on the new Big Brother, my computer has a fit and dies. So I’ve spent the last two days on the phone to a help desk in New Dehli trying to get the bastard running again, and I’m late with my first report!

So it IS coming, as promised, but in short - the secret was pretty obvious, and Trevor must win. I’ll be back with more later, kittens!

April 30, 2004

Welcome To Our World Of BB 2004

After the dung-heap that is Popstars Live on Channel 7, the Australian public is sceptical when it comes to returning reality TV shows. Will Big Brother suffer the same fate? Will the house be filled with even more idiots than normal? Will there be a delightful Reggie, a crazy Dan, or a sooky Saxon to keep the public entertained? Well, we don’t know yet. But we’ll find out on Sunday, and the more WE find out, the more you will.

Actually, I’ve made it sound like we’re launching a full investigation into Big Brother 4 and quite frankly, that’s ludicrous - Patrick and I are far too lazy to care that much about a show that is probably on it’s last legs. Gretel, Channel Ten - prove me wrong, I dare you to, motherfuckers!

The truth is I figured I’d be bored enough at home (no longer gainfully employed, remember?) to bother spending some time each week reporting on the goings on of the Big Brother house. And when I say reporting, I mostly mean ‘poking fun at Gretel and the housemates’. But who knows? I was sceptical last year of the show, and the sneaky bastard pulled me in with that murder scandal and before I knew it I was voting and caring and displaying other signs of social misfitism.

Quick Guide To ausculture.com’s BB 2004 Mini-Site

In this big bit in the middle of the page, I’ll write stuff. Perhaps Patrick will too. We’ll stick pictures on here and make bitchy comments. Should be fun. To the right is a column called “Quickies”. This is a quick collection of BB2004 related links, should you feel like visiting a real website which actually put effort into their site. Enjoy!