Laurie Oakes is a cane toad.
- On Laurie Oakes

You had an important place in Australian society on the ABC and you gave it up to be a pop star…with a big cheque…and now you’re on to this sort of stuff. That shows what a 24 carat pissant you are, Richard, that’s for sure.
- To Richard Carleton

That you Jim? Paul Keating here. Just because you swallowed a fucking dictionary when you were about 15 doesn’t give you the right to pour a bucket of shit over the rest of us.”
- To Former Labour politician, Jim McClelland (on the phone)

Fucking animals.
- On the Press

Go and get a job!
- To a University student protesting about fees

August 21, 2004

In search of Australian snow culture

On a recent trip to Australia’s Snowy Mountains I took a moment between exorbitantly priced shots of schnapps to look around for a distinctly Australian style of snow atmosphere.

Amongst my childhood memories of 1989 there are some songs I can’t stand (Collette “Ring my Bell” and anything by the Proclaimers comes to mind), some rather good trashy music by Transvision Vamp, a horribly bad duet by Kylie Minogue and Jason Donovan and a first encounter with the Snowy Mountains of Australia. I don’t voluntarily listen to the popular music of the time any more but I do still visit the snowfields of Australia on an “almost annual” basis.

When I first saw the snow at Perisher in September of 1989, had it not being for the fact that I was still quite young, I suspect I would have been thoroughly underwhelmed by the whole experience - Perisher in September often looks more like a lamington than it does a ski resort. As a child, however, it was a fantastic holiday with the lack of snow not even apparent to me.

Fast forward to 2004 and I’m spending the second week of August skiing at Perisher. Since 1989 I’ve only ever skiied (apart from a brief attempt at snowboarding about five years back) in Australia (never skiied overseas) and only ever at Perisher and anything nearby (never skiied in Victoria). My complete lack of experiential scope then must make me perfectly suited to go hunting for something unique to skiing, as an Australian, in Australia.

The easy answer would be that - like the Australian music industry - it’s small, patchy, and too often attempts only to badly imitate it’s international bigger brothers. Still, similiar to our music, The Snowy Mountains are our snowy mountains and we love them nonetheless.

We love our snowy mountains, much as in the snowy mountains we love our schnapps, vodka and imported beers like Stella and curiously, Corona. At least, they seem to love them these days. From memory, the whole Australian skiing experience was less trendy back in 1989. Of course, it might just have been me that was less trendy, but I distinctly remember bad fluoro coloured ski clothing, one piece suits and lots of skiiers going down the mountain using the rather horrid looking Arlberg technique (Snowploughing). It all seems to have become much trendier with the increased popularity of Snowboarding and the resulting entrance of major surf apparel brands into the marketplace. Yet, I don’t think that’s peculiar to the Australian ski experience. So I need to look elsewhere.

Perhaps the Corona might lend some clues. After all, why is a Mexican pilsenser so popular on the Australian ski fields? Why in August 2004 are Corona selling yellow beanies to patrons in a pub at Perisher? Oh, and why, why am I wearing a Rip Curl branded ski jacket?

Is it an odd conglomeration of cultural oddities on our far from impressive snowfields that makes the Australian experience or is there something else behind the increasing fascination that a reputedly beach crazy population has on the Snowy Mountains? Snowy mountains that as a result of climate change, in just twenty years time, may not get any natural snow at all.

That there might not be any snow at all in the Snowy Mountains twenty years into the future is a disturbing insight. More disturbing still are development proposals for some of the major ski resorts that include large cinema complexes. I think that to find what it is that draws me to the slopes each year I need to look at why exactly these two points make me uneasy.

The snow is an obvious point and not specific to anything obviously Australian. What I think really alarms me is the second issue. Why exactly does the idea of large scale development in the Snowy Mountains not sit well with me? Why indeed.

I’ve always considered the iconic Aussie character traits - laid back, easy going and down to earth to be on the whole misleading. To me, the nation of coastal city dwellers I have grown up with don’t resemble even slightly the mythical literary constructed peoples that inhabit Australian literature. Sure, I’ve been to small country towns and encountered people who might superficially resemble someone out of a Henry Lawson story. I’ve even driven through what could possibly resemble a Les Murray Sawmill Town” but ultimately, I’ve always though that the country I grew up in throughout the 80’s was really nothing like that at all.

Even today though it’s that same character type that often endears itself to the Australian people. That Pat Rafter be voted Australian of the year in 2002 and seems to be well-recognised and well-liked well after his retirement as a tennis player should give some weight to such an argument. Whilst I don’t think it’s a character that is well representative of a majority of Australians - I do think it’s a character type that many Australians like to identify with.

That brings me back to the Snowy Mountain atmosphere and why further “developments” don’t sit well with me. The place I stay when I go skiing is a place that feels slower, quieter and more laid back. It doesn’t have a television and while there’s a telephone line there’s no computer and as such, no internet. It’s an atmosphere that rubs off onto many (though not all) people that stay there. An atmosphere that makes the people more like the mythological characters that were once supposed to be iconic of Australian culture.

I think it’s the snow and the mountain terrain that helps this slowing down to happen. Walking in snow is difficult - especially uphill after a day of skiing and a few beers. Being forcibly slowed helps some to find a pace that lends itself to a different kind of thinking.

That this is the essence of the Australian snow experience is an alluring prospect. Yet, as I look at my bank balance after it’s all done, I see that it comes at a price. Moreover, I’m still stuck with an uneasy feeling that there’s no Australia to be found where I’m looking for it and that like most mythologies, it has vanished without a trace the instant I’ve tried to grasp it.

August 10, 2004

Pop vs “Real Music”

Ahhh, yes – that old chestnut. Which genre is superior, and more importantly, which genre should be crushed like a bug under the boot of a hefty Latvian goat herd? The answer is, quite simply, neither. Both have a place in the musical landscape, and true music lovers will be the first to tell you so.

“They’re manufactured! They’re not proper musicians! They haven’t slogged their guts out for years to get where they are! They’re not original at all!” scream the anti­pop brigade.

Blah blah fucking blah. You know what would be truly original? A new argument which isn’t just a regurgitation of some tripe a tosser in the university bar told you when you were young and impressionable. Who says the latest pop star hasn’t slogged his or her guts out? Perhaps they’ve been attending dance and singing lessons several times a week since they were a kid? Perhaps they’ve been doing session work to earn enough money to live on while they try and make it as a pop star? How is that any less hard work than practising your guitar every night, busking to earn cash and doing gigs whenever you get the chance in order to pursue your rock star dreams?

“But.. but pop is crap! Pop has no place in the charts!” they continue, clutching at their Triple J Hottest 100 compilation.

A pop group has just as much right to be on the charts as any rock band, and it’s absolute arrogance to say that they don’t. I ask you this question - what did you listen to when you were a kid? I’d love to hear of an eight year old who enjoys Jeff Buckley’s B-sides, or a seven year old who is a huge fan of The Smiths. I like to think I have a very broad taste in music but when I was a little kid, I loved four things and four things only: New Kids On The Block, Kylie Minogue, Belinda Carlisle and Collette – yes, she of Ring My Bell fame. I was only eight years old and personally I was rather impressed I owned an album - any album - regardless of what it might have been. As I got older, I explored more and more different kinds of music. I was lucky enough to have older sisters, one of whom foolishly left her CD collection behind when I was thirteen years old and she moved to the UK. Cue a teenage Jess spending hours in her bedroom marvelling over Soundgarden, The Pixies, Lemonheads and Nine Inch Nails (and learning how to refer to herself in the third person, apparently - twit.)

But the point is - if I didn’t have my beloved pop stars as a child, if I didn’t spend hours listening to “Cover Girl” and dreaming of Donnie Wahlberg as my future husband, I may not have developed a love of listening to music full stop. Thus when I hit my teenage years, I would have ignored my sister’s CD collection and chosen to rollerblade instead - leading to me now being in my early twenties with no love or appreciation for music at all. So why stamp out pop when it has a perfectly respectable place in the development of music appreciation? Pop’s very name stems from the word “popular” - and kids, just because something’s popular and “commercial” doesn’t mean it’s shit - it may be popular for a reason (ie: it’s catchy, fun and enjoyable). Likewise, just because something’s unsigned and independent doesn’t ensure it’s quality either - sometimes, unsigned bands are unsigned for a reason, namely they’re terribly bad.

“But… most of these singers don’t even perform their own material! Talentless!”

Another idiotic argument as far as I´m concerned. Some people write music. Some people perform music. Some very talented people are able to do both, and the kudos directed at them (when the music itself is of good quality) is well deserved. But saying someone is talentless because they’re not a songwriter themselves is just ridiculous. Dusty Springfield, one of the finest female vocalists in the last fifty years, didn’t write her own stuff. Hell, most classical musicians don’t actually ever perform their own stuff but rather choose to play works written by other people when they´re playing in concert. Are you going to tell a classical pianist that he’s completely talentless after he’s finished performing a note-perfect rendition of Rachmaninov´s Piano Concerto No 3?

A new cause has emerged in recent years that the anti-pop brigade have embraced whole-heartedly. That’s right, apparently “stupid reality TV stars are hitting the top of the charts at the expense of proper Aussie rock bands”. I would have to disagree with that. Firstly, while I admit my memory of anything that occurred more than five minutes ago is generally hazy at best, the sad truth is I don’t recall Guy Sebastian´s debut single knocking an original Aussie rock band from the top position of the singles chart - Delta Goodrem perhaps, but not some band full of Aussie underdogs who walked uphill both ways in the snow wearing nothing but a potato sack in order to get to band practice. It is improbable (but not impossible, right Missy Higgins?) that Aussie rock or indie artists will manage to reach #1 in the singles chart. “Unjust!” I hear some of you cry, and you’re spot on - it is unjust that some great rock singles don’t get the recognition they deserve. But that’s the Top 40 singles chart for you - it’s nothing new. Meaningless, catchy pop (reality TV bred or no) has always featured prominently in the top end of the Top 40, and on commercial radio too - it’s a case of “chicken or the egg” as to which one caused pop to heavily influence the other.

On the upside, the Australian albums chart is often dominated with national rock success stories. Bands like Silverchair, Something For Kate, John Butler Trio and more are finding their albums are reaching #1, and personally I think that’s more an indication of success than simply selling a few thousand copies of your single. If anything, I’m pleased to see an increase of Aussie content in both the album and the singles chart, regardless of whether it’s pop or rock.

One good thing about Australian Idol which I think is often forgotten at times (other than by Marcia Hines, who mentioned it in a Daily Telegraph article a few weeks ago) is that Australia has been lacking a pop star we could call our very own. “Who gives a shit?” one might say. Well, I do, if it means that our charts and airwaves are swamped by ugly boy bands from Ireland, brainless American bimbos with a penchant for vocal aerobics, or posse´s of ‘gangsta’ rappers who wouldn’t know a decent tune or lyric if it busted a cap in their ass. Word. At the very least, be grateful that the teens of this country are buying Australian.

I find it slightly amusing that many out there who count themselves as “real music fans” (cos like, they were into Nirvana totally before April 1994) are so doggedly trying to label anything Australian Idol related as trash, despite the fact that this year’s bunch of hopefuls contains quite a few talented individuals. Take Chanel Cole for example. I promise you, if the naysayers had stumbled across Chanel singing in a dingy city pub and hawking her independent releases, they would have creamed themselves over her. But no - she entered their consciousness through Australian Idol and therefore she’s utter dross - no matter that in actuality she’s a discerningly accomplished singer. Just as pop shouldn’t be dismissed in an offhand manner as terrible, neither should reality TV show contestants be breezily categorised as ineffectual performers - at least without objectively listening to them first.

The wannabe-cool hipsters seem insulted that pop dares to exist when it’s so often superfluous and lacking depth. Hello! That’s exactly what pop is for! It’s not asking to change the world; it’ll leave that up to the idealistic rockers like Bono. No, pop just wants to put on its shiny gold hotpants and hit the dance floor - it’s here for a good time, not a long time. Acting disgusted over the frivolousness of some pop is as pointless as being disgusted with McDonalds for being fast food. Pop is what it is, and it certainly doesn’t owe the beret-wearing pretentious wankers of society any apology just because it’s not angst ridden or performed by a singer-songwriter in a decrepit city venue.

Don’t get me wrong - a lot of the pop songs that make the charts can be safely filed away in the ¨Shithouse¨ folder. Not all pop is good, so don’t think I’m defending everything that falls under its sequinned banner. By the same token though, as I mentioned above, not all rock is good. Hello, all you whiney middle-class American white boys singing about how no one understands you! Embracing an entire genre regardless of the quality of individual songs is as futile as dismissing an entire genre. What ever happened to listening to the actual song and deciding whether it was good or not depending on how it sounded?

I have found (after over-dosing on generalisation pills) that there are three kinds of modern music fans.

Firstly, you have the rather scary devout teenage pop lovers. Usually illiterate, always fanatic, this group is largely ignorant to anything musical that hasn’t appeared in the Top 30 count down. Many of the pack are found in Delta Goodrem´s online forums, but they can be also found petitioning for Australian Idol contestant Rob “Millsy” Mills´ movie G’Day L.A to be turned into a Hollywood blockbuster. It is this frenzied, hormone-charged breed of teen that gives pop lovers of the world a terrible reputation.

Secondly, you have the complete opposite - the ubercool more-alternative-than-thou people. Their standard opinion is that singer-songwriters are the only real musicians in the world, and anyone else (all pop stars included) should burn in the depths of Hades. Many people question just what sort of horrendous childhood could lead to such aggression towards something as trivial as pop. In most cases, a scenario involving teenage friends discovering a particularly dodgy album in their collection (think Roxette, Bros, Indecent Obsession) and the humiliation that followed was enough to encourage the troubled teen to turn to angsty rock\metal\anything-with-a-remotely-alternative-vibe. They’ve carried this musical chip on their shoulder into adulthood, and can usually be found venting angrily about the importance of “real music” and often leading pub debates on why pop is ruining the music industry.

The third kind of music fan is the kind who likes music, full stop. If it sounds good, they’re interested. They’re enlightened enough to be aware that some pop songs have brilliant melodies, something that some indie songs are sorely lacking. They respect songwriters, but they don’t automatically assume every songwriter is good simply because they play their own stuff. They know not assign independent bands instant credibility without listening to their work, and they also know they shouldn’t dismiss a pop star´s credibility and musical credentials simply due to the type of music they sing. Uninterested with image or impressing anyone else with how alternative and music-savvy they are, this third kind of fan is a genuine music lover though they’re less noticeable than the more-alternative-than-thou breed of fans, mostly because they’re not often found wearing ridiculous clothes from St Vinnies, drinking soy lattes in Newtown and spouting off about how “music is like, totally my life - but not that ‘commercialised’ crap…”

It’s interesting to me that every real musician (the good and versatile ones without attitude, not the rubbish stare-at-my-shoes-and-whine-while-strumming-guitar-look-at-me-I’m-a-moody-rocker brand of musician) I know has a healthy taste for pop - good pop. I can’t stress this enough. Perhaps it’s because as songwriters themselves, they can see the genius of Britney’s Toxic. Maybe it’s why we’re all partial to Murder On The Dance Floor. It could well be that as aspiring rockers, they’re aware of something that is often missing in rock songs nowadays - the hook. Good pop is pure hook, and perhaps adopting more pop sensibility into rock music is a good thing. In any case, it’s certainly not something to be afraid of.

This rather long and unstructured rant is nearly over, so I’d like to send out a final message to the different kinds of music fans I mentioned above.

Scary Devout Teenage Pop Lovers - I hope that at some point you will learn that death threats are not the best way to defend your idol’s reputation on various websites, and I also hope you will open your minds and ears to the wonderful, diverse world of music out there.

To all the More-Alternative-Than-Thou group out there - I beg of you, take the time to actually listen to songs instead of instantly dismissing them because they don’t fit your ideal of clichéd “proper” music. Pop is your friend - nay, it´s more than a friend. It’s the drunken vapid floozy you go out with now and again when you want a cheap, dirty night of fun. Resisting her lusty charms in order to stay at home constantly with your lovable but often stern wife (indie\rock\metal\etc, for those of you not digging my metaphor) means you’re missing out. ausculture.com encourages your musical infidelity!

Finally, to the I Like Music, Full Stop bunch of music fans - to you, I simply say keep on keepin’ on. The meek may inherit the earth, but who cares? You’ll be heading straight to musical heaven to form a band with Jimi Hendrix, Britney Spears, John Bonham and Cher - or something.

June 28, 2004

Boonie’s Mullet Talks - Exclusive! by Steve Fellows

Goodness! I went to link to this article whilst adding Steve’s latest brilliant news report when I realised I hadn’t even added Boonie’s Mullet Talks - Exclusive! to ausculture.com’s rapidly swelling collection of articles! So here it is, ladies and gentlemen - enjoy.

Boonie’s Mullet Speaks For The First Time! by Steve Fellows

“I first met David in the heady days of the early 80’s. Those were good times - Allan Border wasn’t cranky yet, Kim Hughes wasn’t crying, and Jackie McDonald was stealing Darrel’s thunder on Hey Hey.

Thanks to the popularity of Supertest Cricket and the Cock-Rock phenomenon, haircuts like myself were all the rage. The combination of ‘business at the front, pleasure at the back’ appealed to a new generation trying to establish its own identity.

I was single and looking for a man (or man-ish woman) when a hairdresser friend introduced me to a squat Tasmanian nicknamed ‘Boonie’. Thus began a wonderful symbiotic relationship that lasted well into the early 90’s.

Times were a-changing though. Despite having helped Boonie through his 54 tin marathon and numerous centuries, he unceremoniously dumped me in favour of a more ‘mainland’ haircut.

Naturally I was shattered, and spent 10 long years in hiding until I met a young fast bowler named Jason. Together we are working to bring the mullet back into fashion.”

June 23, 2004

ausculture me!

Having seen the movie Super Size Me and been horrified by the effects of excessive exclusive consumption of McDonalds on the human body I decided to run an experiment of my own. What would happen if someone read only ausculture.com for an entire month?

Be sure to check back for daily updates. Join the mailing list and get daily updates on this and other ausculture.com goodness in your inbox.

Day one (June 22nd 2004)

Feeling fine. Got a bit bored at 2:13PM, decided to go through the archives. There’s certainly alot of useless crap, I mean, interesting information here.

Day two (June 22nd 2004)

Found myself wondering how this obvious gem went largely unnoticed. Did a search on ausculture.com for “gretel nude” in an attempt to understand why we get so many people from google for that particular search. Funnily enough, we don’t have any relevant pictures (thankfully).

Day three (June 23rd 2004)

Got lost whilst driving today. Partly because I couldn’t read the street sign or a map as per my “reading ausculture only” rule. Also realised that it will be difficult to do my tax return whilst enforcing this rule. Wondering what happened to Jess doing a fortnightly analysis of the search phrases that bring all the wonderful people to ausculture. Was it just another of ausculture’s unfulfilled promises?

Day four (June 24th 2004)

ausculture has been giving me a headache so I went to get an eyesight test. I didn’t read any letters (as per the only ausculture rule) and was pronounced blind.

Day five (June 25th 2004)

Watching paint dry. Enough said.

Day seven (June 27th 2004)

Passed out on day five somewhere between reading out excessive coverage of I’m a celebrity get me out of here (a show I never saw) and a post about Lee Hanson. Have woken up late on day seven. I’d think I’d rather not read anything at all today.

Day nine (June 29th 2004)

My spiritual advisor has urged me to stop this nonsense. I’ll see how I feel on day ten.

Day eleven (July 1st 2004)

Call it cheating, call it failing.

Either way, I’ve been reading Scott Plous’ “The Psychology of Judgment and Decision Making.”

That being the case I didn’t manage a whole month of ausculture.com. Of course, there’s a very big question mark over whether I ever really tried, applied myself, gave it my best shot, knuckled down or anything similar.

The end.

May 17, 2004

Songs I Perhaps Shouldn’t Like But I Actually Do

And I’m Listening To Them Right Now…

Oh sure, they’re not the coolest collection of tunes. You might not find them on some uber-trendy New York bands Rage playlist. But they will make MY playlist because I love them, and not in that Macquarie University student ironic way either.

Meatloaf - Bat Out Of Hell.
I really, really love this song. I don’t know exactly why - perhaps it’s the overblown theatrics of the whole thing, perhaps it’s the cheesy sound of the motorbike starting up after the sensitive chorus bit. In any case, the whole “And like a sinner before the gates of heaven, I’ll come crawling on back to you” bit gave me goosebumps once. And I wasn’t drunk.

Melissa - Read My Lips
I take the piss out of this song, but I still listen to it loads. So I have concluded I actually do like this song in a lame eighties (or worse - early nineties) way, and the whole “If you wanna wait till later, hands off my detonator” hilarium is just a bonus.

Bon Jovi - Lay Your Hands On Me
Pure. Cock. That’s Jon taken care of, meanwhile this song is Pure. Cock. Rock. I had never heard this tune before until about 2 months ago, so perhaps it’s appeal will wear off soon. In the meantime, I love it - the overblown guitar solos, the stadium anthem appeal of the chorus, everything. I think Jon Bon Jovi is a cunt for being completely arsey about The Darkness in Britain’s Now magazine a few months ago but then, I don’t like anything Bon Jovi have said or done since 1993. I think when they started waxing Jon’s chest, they took away his sense of fun.

Journey - Don’t Stop Believing
Where has this song been hiding all my life?! I first heard it during the flick Monster, where it played as Charlize and Christina gazed into each other’s eyes at some sad roller disco and realised they wanted to rub each other’s naughty parts. Excellent. I’m surprised I never heard this before considering my sisters (who are a decade older than me and thus eighties teenagers) were huuuuge Journey fans. In fact, there is a brilliant photo of my sis (I won’t say which one in case I am beaten to death), permed mullet fluffed to perfection and wearing a hideous Ken Done-esque oversized jumper, sitting next to her state of the art record AND tape player with seven Journey tapes placed on top and making a thumbs up sign with the cheesiest grin ever. I would scan it but again, I’d be in more trouble than Toadie is with Rocco! This is obviously well before my sisters became cool and glamorous and gorgeous. And single, lads!

Rod Stewart - Rhythm Of My Heart
Flashback five years to me, eighteen, dreaming of boozing it up in London and forced to work as a Franklins check out chick in order to earn enough to achieve this goal. The only song I liked on the terrible Franklins FM (instore radio) was this one - it’s sea shanty vibe, complete with bag pipes and Rod at his very best, mean you can’t go past this cracker of a tune. I am also quite partial to Rod’s “The Motown Song”. Many people would think that Rod is about as Motown as Craig McLachlan, but they’d be wrong - he can get down and soulful with the best of ‘em.

Dave Dobbyn - Slice Of Heaven
What a glorious piece of music Slice OF Heaven is! As close to a Kiwi anthem as you can get, I reckon. If there’s one thing better than a “nah nah nah” chorus bit, it’s a “BAH nah nah” chorus bit! It’s a rollickingly good song, and I am unashamed when it comes to loving it so. Bloody fun to play on the guitar too.

Belinda Carlisle - Runaway Horses
I am a Belinda fan full stop - I could have easily chosen Leave A Light On (George Harrison guitar solo!), Summer Rain, Heaven Is A Place On Earth or The Same Thing, I think Belinda is completely ace. But I chose Runaway Horses because it has horse galloping sounds that build up to the last killer chorus - horse sounds! Cos it’s called Runaway Horses, see? This makes the song brilliant for aural consumption while driving, because you can making galloping sounds by banging your hands on the dashboard! I have no life…

The Divinyls - I Touch Myself
Chrissie Amphlett at her very best. For a while I wasn’t sure if I preferred this or Ain’t Gonna Eat Out My Heart Anymore, but I’m going for this one cos Chrissie simulates an orgasm, and it’s brilliantly over the top. I also didn’t “get” this song for years (I was young and naïve) so I have fond memories of when the Buffy gang discussed it.

Leonard Nimoy - If I Had A Hammer
Well, it’s Leonard Nimoy, isn’t it?

May 14, 2004

Sedate Rock - An Epidemic

ausculture.com makes the following plea to musicians everywhere - put an end to Sedate Rock!

You know what I’m talking about. The kind of rock music that puts you in a coma, it’s so innocuous. Now, it’s not bad per se, it probably makes quite pleasant background music, and it might even come with decent lyrics, who knows? It could very well be performed by an artist with credibility coming out his or her arse. However, it’s the inoffensiveness of the tune that actually offends me. Where’s the limb? Why aren’t you out on it?

Sedate Rock has insidiously spread itself across the globe with the ferocity and strength of a particularly bad strain of herpes. But who exactly is behind it, and what’s caused the outbreak?

Two things spring to mind straight away - surfers, and Dido.

Dido is the driving force behind Sedate Rock’s cousin which is even more horrible in the eyes of some - Sedate Pop. Thirty-something mothers and sensitive new age men went out in droves to purchase Dido’s brand of sleep-inducing pop, thrusting both her albums “No Angel” and “Life For Rent” to the top of the charts. Her collaboration with naughty rapper Eminem gave her credibility in the eyes of those with none. “But of course she’s cool and hip! She sang with that rapper bloke who says naughty words! It doesn’t GET much more street than that!” Did it matter to the gazillions out there who purchased the album that she sounds like a cat in labour as she whinges about one thing after another? Well, of course not. They barely listened, just played it in the back ground of their dinner parties. They then purchased Norah Jones’ “Come Away With Me” so they could tell people how into jazz they were. It is many of these wannabe-hip record buyers who went on to catch a nasty case of affection for Sedate Rock.

But what about the surfers? How are they to blame? To put it simply, they want to listen to music around campfires on the beach while they get stoned. Which is a valid lifestyle choice, of course, and sometimes quite a pleasant thing to do! So in between catching waves and smoking joints, they started swapping tapes of Jack Johnson’s music. Jack Johnson is probably a nice guy. His music is nice. His lyrics are nice. He performs on stage wearing t-shirts and jeans. Isn’t that nice? So down to earth! BUT WHAT IS EXCITING ABOUT HIM?! Diddly squat, my friends. But hey - I didn’t mind. Diversity is nice in music, isn’t it? And stoner-surf music has it’s place. If his fans don’t seem to mind he’s playing the same song with different words each time, so be it. So Jack Johnson starts selling a crap load to surfers, which in turn led to the exposing of the Sedate Rock virus to millions more on the radio and on MTV. There was a market out there, and out came droves of Sedate Rock pushers from their verandahs and onto the charts.

In Australia, on the heels of the Jack Johnson success, came others. Pete “Would you like a sedative or a song - why not have both?” Murray arrived on the Australian charts with his tune “Feeler”. A great tune, no doubt. Lovely. He followed it on with “Lines” - not as good, but not half-bad. But then came the Sedate Rock anthem - the frustratingly dull “So Beautiful”. If listening to a beefy bloke whine slowly over a monotonous chord progression about some silly wench is your cup of tea, so be it. I personally had never heard anything more stagnant in my life. And for some bizarre reason, people loved it. It was heard constantly on radio and bars added Pete Murray to their jukeboxes where it was played almost as much as The Best Of Cold Chisel. Boozy corporate folks who popped into the pubs across the city after work selected it to show just how on the pulse they were when it came to rock. But this isn’t rock! It’s not even slow rock! It’s just slow, painfully, hurtfully slow.

Pete can write a tune - “Feeler” proved that. But he’ll need to pull out a big gun for his next single in order for me to forgive him for inflicting “So Beautiful” on me. But he’s not the only one, not by far. John Mayer also hit the Sedate Rock big time with “Your Body Is A Wonderland”. Surfers continued to buy Jack Johnson, and even managed to encourage Ben Harper to explore his bland side with “Two Hands” and “Diamonds On The Inside”. More beach bums armed with acoustic guitars came out of the woodwork and can now be seen playing their tepid brand of rock n roll in pubs across the city. They might be talented musicians but they all sound the same!

There are countless more people behind Sedate Rock that I can’t be bothered to acuse. Sedate Pop also thrives on the charts. Where’s the excitement, people? It’s nothing against acoustic stuff, or even slow music - I’m quite partial to Coldplay (though some argue they’re pioneers of Bedwetting Rock - I disagree personally) and I love Ryan Adams to bits. I can’t quite explain what makes something slow and beautiful, and what makes another song slow and banal, despite me managing to write loads on this topic in an attempt to - but to paraphrase Justice Potter Stewart’s comment regarding pornography - I can’t pinpoint exactly what makes something Sedate Rock, but I know it when I hear it. And I want it to end!

Top Three Sedate Rock Songs

Pete Murray - So Beautiful
Jack Johnson - Taylor
Dave Matthews Band - Gravedigger

April 18, 2004

The Logies Nominees

Welcome to the ausculture.com run down of the 2004 TV Week Logie Award Nominees. I have decided to second guess most of the ‘popular’ awards as opposed to the ‘outstanding’ awards, as the latter relies on talent, and the former relies on… well, not much at all really. So I’m completely qualified to judge. Will I be right? After the Logies, I’ll put the winner in italics. Until then, do what you will with the rantings of an insomniac gal.

TV WEEK Gold Logie Most Popular Personality on TV

TV WEEK Silver Logie Most Popular Actor

TV WEEK Silver Logie Most Popular Actress

TV WEEK Silver Logie Most Popular TV Presenter

Ernie Dingo - The Great Outdoors
Jamie Durie - Backyard Blitz, The Block
Andrew G - Channel [v], Australian Idol He’s a hottie, and he used to be fat! I love a good underdog story. He also hosted (marvellously, by the way) Australia’s 2003 hit, Australian Idol, which may well help him. The award will probably go to Rove, but I hope Andrew wins it.
David Koch - Sunrise
Rove McManus - Rove [Live]

Most Popular New Male Talent

Most Popular New Female Talent

Most Popular Light Entertainment/Comedy Program

Most Popular Reality Program

TV WEEK Silver Logie Most Popular Australian program

See all the nominees here!

April 15, 2004

All about Cosima

In a bold move that parallels “The Passion of the Christ”, ausculture.com has tackled one of the most influential personalities of our era - Cosima De Vito.

For those that don’t know, Cosima ejected herself out of the running for “Australian Idol” explaining that she had developed throat nodules.

The good news for Cosima fans is that Cosima is back with…a vengeance and is soon to release a single. But who is Cosima De Vito? Ausculture.com has the answers.

First of all, Cosima reached the top three of Australian Idol.

She withdrew from Australian idol due to “nodules”.

In her spare time she doubles as a breakdancing superhero called “C.”

To relax, she does yoga and swims at the beach.

She will not be starring in “G’Day LA,” Millsy is.

she is a Scorpio.

There is an unofficial Cosima website at www.cosimadevito.com

There is a movie about MC Hammer, it is called “Too Legit: The MC Hammer Story,” I have seen it.

There is no movie about Cosima…yet.

Update: Read the latest ausculture.com rant about Cosima.

February 28, 2004

My Idol

Something is rotten in the state of Australian culture. No, it’s not ausculture.com.

Apart from my distaste for reality television in general, I also have a very real distaste for the transplanting of the school talent quest format to a national television festival.

When I was growing up I never much liked school talent quests. Sure, there were the obvious moments of brilliance such as the obligatory Irish dancer or bad rendition of “Greatest Love of All” but overall, the talent quests at school were crap…

I don’t think they’ve improved any.

Everyone’s favorite person who didn’t win Australian Idol Millsy, has confirmed that he will be starring in the upcoming Australian movie “G’Day LA.” Millsy plays an outback camel racer Ryan “Rhino” Cobb.

A movie entitled “G’Day LA”, about a camel racer, starring Millsy. I can hardly think of anything more Australian, we can only hope that Cosima will sign up to play his trusty sidekick.

As the Australian Idol judges remarked that Millsy was destined for stardom, I’m quite confident that the movie will be a huge sucess and propel Millsy into the stratosphere with such megastars as Paul Hogan.

Then again, I remember the judges at one school talent quest proclaiming that the young girl whose haunting rendition of “Greatest Love of All” we’ve all heard was also bound for stardom. Last time I checked she hadn’t got there, yet. Still, those judges weren’t working for a major record label.

I’m still waiting for Australian television networks to have a competition series for some traditional Australian skills such as drinking beer.

February 23, 2004

Ani DiFranco & The Herd

Allow me to be indulgent and tell you about my weekend.

First of all, some chums and I went to see Ani DiFranco at the State Theatre. Absolutely fucking brilliant. I’ve been a huge fan of Ani for years, but have to admit to being a bit concerned by all the new fandangled music she’s been making with jazz leanings and not many hooks. Ani has now gone back to basic, just a gal and her guitar(s), and the result was an awesome concert.

She’s one of the best guitarists out there without question, and her voice is spot on every time. Old songs were received rapturously by the crowd, and new songs were stripped of any self-indulgence and just played the way they should have been - and they were great too.

Ani still sounds like she’s had a few spliffs before wandering onstage (many giggles and confused mutterings) but she’s incredibly charismatic and funny, and seemed to really bounce off the crowd. She also mentioned onstage her last trip out in Sydney, where her spoken word piece Self Evident got her ‘into trouble’.

I was at the concert she was referring to - a Bob Dylan concert at the Entertainment Centre where she was the support act - and remember vividly the crowd reaction when she launched into her attack on George W Bush, the war in the Middle East and the state of American politics altogether.

A large amount of people in the crowd began booing her, yelling abuse and Ani was visibly shaken by the reaction. The other half of the crowd - me included - cheered for her wildly, encouraging her to go on and finish the performance, and finish she did - and walked offstage. I thought it was fucking brilliant - even if the crowd are booing her, it means they heard what she said, and that’s something, isn’t it?

Anyways, my summary of the Ani concert would be that it was fantastic, amazing, and far too short for my liking - I could have sat there all night.

Lucky I didn’t, however, or else I would have missed out on seeing another performance full of passion and passionate political stances by The Herd at The Gaelic Club.

Our crowd of revellers decided to meet up with Magical Dunc, whose brother Simon is in The Herd, and after a few post-Ani, pre-Herd beers at The Strawberry Hills Hotel, we sauntered down the road to check them out. I’m very glad we did.

I’m not a hip hop kinda gal really, but the group definitely won me over. The biggest audience response came during their Triple J Hottest 100 placing tune 77%. With a chorus that goes “Wake up, this country needs a fucking shake up, wake up, these cunts need a shake up”, the song got the crowd going wild, and even I was singing it for hours afterwards. Great stuff.

If you can check out either Ani or The Herd, then do it - it’s well worth it.

February 20, 2004

Twelve Ways To Improve Cricket

So it’s nearly the weekend, and the lazy team at ausculture.com can’t even be bothered to write an article for the punters! You know what that means, don’t you? Time for rehashed material! And who’s work is better to rehash than the lovable Kylie Minogue hating Ol Shirley?

Allow this plump morsel of cleverness to tide you over the weekend, and next week, expect to see either a beginning to the ausculture.com Un-Australian Of The Year Award idea or at the very least, a bitter and twisted rant about the hated Sydney Buses. Those fuckers. Take it away, Ollie!

Twelve Ways To Improve Cricket

I was watching the Australia vs India on the telly the other night and I started to drift off, as you often do during one-sided thrashings. Tony Greig was splurting some inane fact about cricket pads and Mark Taylor, well he was just plain terrible as always in the commentary box. Anyway, I got to thinking of twelve ways I could improve on the game of Cricket.

1. Make it hit and run. Similar to French Cricket. The matches would be over in an hour and it would keep fat bastards like Warnie fit. Would also stop guys blocking for 50 balls in a row.

2. Put obstacles on the field. Anything from deep chasms in the outfield to large wooden blocks right in the path of the bowler. This would add a fear factor to the fielding team, and also help the batting team stay in longer (see hit and run).

3. Have two bowlers at once. One bowler from each end. This way, there is a chance of spectacular collisions on the pitch and plenty of fun as the fielders scramble to retrieve two balls. Twice the chance of a run out or a catch as well.

4. Reward the crowd. Any spectator who catches a ball hit for six is granted a place fielding in the team. For a one handed catch an extra bonus of replacing the batsman who hit the six.

5. Play regardless of weather conditions. Rain, hail, sleet or snow, the game will continue and no overs will be lost. This makes for amusing accidents. This is great for new, up and coming players , allowing them to play in the national team when regular players are out with cold, flu or spinal fractures from slipping on the wet pitch.

6. Ban retirement. Great cricketers are not allowed to retire from the game any more. They continue to play until death, allowing different eras of cricket to be compared and puts and end to silly arguments like “The Don would smash todays bowlers” or “The Invincibles were the best side this country’s ever seen”.

7. Closer regulations for members. People in the member’s section would now be fined for not joining in Mexican Waves, pie and beer throwing contests or singing sea-shanties. Any member caught with a bowler hat, suit and cane will be banned from the ground for life.

8. Reduce the use of the video umpire. Any umpire that calls for a video replay and makes the wrong decision will now be impaled on the wickets for two overs. Any ball that hits the umpire will not be given out, thus combating the silly delays caused by the video umpire.

9. Increase streaking. Batsmen out for a duck will be encouraged to streak back to the pavillion. Should they see a member of the opposite sex streaking at the time they are obliged to screw them for as long as the captain of the batting team decides. Fines for fans not streaking will be increased to $500.

10. Don’t turn on the lights for night matches. This simple idea will allow for night goggles and sonar to become as familiar to the batsman as pads and gloves.When combined with point 5 , makes for interesting games.

11. Coat the ball with acid. This will remove the unsightly spectacle of bowlers scratching themselves with the ball five times an over.

12. Teach young kids to bowl Bodyline. All those brats at the Duncan Fearnley cricket camps will learn the true meaning of sportsmanship when they are belted in the head by an acid coated cricketball.

It’s just not cricket, Richie.

- Oliver Shirley

February 17, 2004

Ratings indicate neophobia?

The latest ratings have aroused claims that reality television shows are on their last legs.

Is this really the case or not? being experts in everything, we’ve decided to give you the definitive answer.

I knew a guy (let’s call him Fred) that ran an icecream shop. His bestselling icecream was chocolate flavored. As such, he heavily promoted chocolate icecream and over time he replaced all the other flavours with variants of chololate.

Where once Fred sold chocolate, vanilla, strawberry, peppermint and many other icecream flavours he now had chocolate, chocolate with chocolate chip, dark chocolate, chocololate swirl and other chocolate flavours.

Now, this was great for people who loved chocololate. However, Fred had forgotten that he onwed an icecream shop, not a chocolate shop. There was a chocolate shop just around the corner from his icecream shop.

What happened? his sales dropped.

What on earth does that have to do with reality shows on television? I’m glad you asked.

Reality based shows have long since reached saturation point on Australian television. The market for this type of show is not infinite. Moreover, the novelty factor is starting to wear off.

Just like the chocolate shop down the road, Australian broadcasters must surely be realising that they can’t really compete with one of their competitors in the reality market. What competitor? Real life.

It’s simple, there are too many so called reality shows on Australian television. They’re all fighting for a share of a market that isn’t likely to grow significantly any time soon. It doesn’t matter how many gimmicks or spins they put on them, there’s just no one left to watch them. It has nothing to do with viewers are not scared of new shows.

Personally, if I wanted to watch half these shows I would have watched something similar on The Lifestyle Channel a long time ago.

New series ratings last week

Further rant section - optional

I find the comment in the aforementioned article from the SMH interesting:

Of course, this would still demonstrates the point that reality television has nothing to do with reality. However, there is a cultural trend towards considering it actual reality, leaving our “real lives” as some phantom activity we do between the real business of reality when we watch it on television.

The popularity of reality television does indicate a widespread cultural trend. After all, it’s perfect Simulacra. These reality have nothing to do with reality. They simply obfuscate the fact that what they are based on has really nothing to do with reality. What we’re left with is a set of cultural myths and television culture based on a make-believe reality that was invented by other television producers decades ago.

There is no longer any reality, the term has been abused to the point of death.

February 12, 2004

Getting To Know Sydney

In our effort to educate international readers on the parts of Sydney not often covered in sleazy English documentries, here at ausculture.com we’ve decided to allow guest writers to talk about their home suburbs. Sometimes affectionate, sometimes sarcastic, generally always lies, these “getting to know you” articles should give a real insight into the lives of Sydneysiders.

First up is Stephen Fellows, a charming young man from the Northern Beaches, who occasionally earns a quid by acting as barkeep at his local RSL, and regales his chums with tales of thieving pensioners. Old people, is there no low they won’t sink to? Onwards, Steve, and don’t spare the horses!

Forestville, a Suburb on the Move

Celebrity came to the rapidly expanding suburb of Forestville yesterday when the Home & Away crew shot scenes for an upcoming episode in the local shopping centre. In a pivotal scene concerning her romance with master butcher John Woolridge, acting supremo and aspiring diva Bec Cartwright walked, stopped, then walked again to the rapturous applause of onlookers, nailing it on the 7th take.

Whilst local shop owners were privy to future story lines, their lips remained sealed. The staff at Top Video commented that they “hadn’t read the script yet, but from all reports it’s breathtaking”. When asked later about John Travolta’s scientology masterpiece ‘Battlefield Earth’, they replied that they “haven’t seen it yet, but from all reports…” They were still talking as I left the shop.

Local butcher and rising star John Woolridge isn’t at all surprised about his blossoming career. Whilst many would see this ageing, balding meat-man as an unlikely target for the affections of teenage girls, he claims that he has always “been in touch with the younger audience - as a pillar of the tight-knit Forestville community young women have always flocked to me.” No shortage of confidence then.

Some see this controversial romance as a desperate move by H & A to revive ratings. Leo of take away store Top Chook sees it differently. He sites the recent renovations of the local shops and RSL Club as clear evidence that Forestville is a suburb on the move. RSL President Herbie Herbert agrees, saying “I agree, Forestville is indeed a suburb on the move. Where’s my beer? Have you seen my wife?”

So there you have it folks - Forestville, a suburb on the move.

- Steve Fellows

2004 Television Profile #2 - The Resort

Here at ausculture.com, we’ve managed to resist abandoning an idea before it got too dull, and so we are mildly proud to present PART TWO (hurrah!) of our 2004 Television Profiles…. Today’s victim? The Resort!

The second of Channel Ten’s new reality fare to appear on our screens in 2004, The Resort is hosted by former Noiseworks singer Jon Stevens, and premiered on Australian television last night.

The Resort

Continuing with the DIY Rescue crossed with Big Brother theme of this year’s reality shows, The Resort sees a group of fifteen singles renovating a run down resort in Fiji. Once the place is rebuilt, cleaned and sorted, viewers of the show can holiday there. In fact, book for the end of February and you can spend time with Australian Idol finalist Shannon Noll! How excitement!

The Resort really is, as Jon says, a “fixer upper”. It’s been deserted for over a year, but it looks more like a decade or two since anyone inhabited it. But before the troops could get started on fixing the resort up, they had to make their own staff quarters suitable to live in.

The staff quarters consisted of a decrepit old cement block that resembled beach toilets more than beachside accomodation. As the cameras panned through the rooms, you could almost smell the cocktail of piss and sea water. Yummy.

This first episode showed the lazy contestants struggling to complete the improvement of their staff quarters, and checking out the depressingly grotty resort - a resort they need to have renovated and ready for opening in twelve days. Bleurgh.

Naturally, the interesting part of this isn’t the actual renovating, but rather the contestants themselves. Unlike The Hothouse, The Resort features players that are, well… at the very least, they’re irritable with each other. This makes for remotely interesting viewing.

Eva Wachowski, 21, arrived on the island in the biggest pair of fluro pink heels I’ve since since last year’s Mardi Gras. She wears earings the size of basketball hoops, and proclaims her profession to be “show girl”.

Tabetha ‘Tabs’ Whitby, 27, immediately hated Eva on sight. No doubt the ex-World Bikini Competition 5th Place Winner Tabs thought she’d be the only heart breaker on the island, and views Eva as a threat. Tabs biggest problem is her personality, she’s a blatant wench. She’s labelled Eva a stripper (“Theer arn any showgewls in ost-ray-ya! Where are ya fuckin’ fevvers an’ that?”) and condescends constantly to spunky nineteen year old Beau, labelling him “Not tha bess hannyman” to the camera, while he rolls his eyes behind her. My two biggest issues with her are her age (twenty seven my arse! Add ten years!) and her constant use of the term “earballs”. What the fuck are earballs?

Prachi Brahmbhatt, 26, is a whinger, quite frankly! She’s one of those annoying types who loves to point out others faults but can’t handle any criticism in the slightest. She’s gone head to head with Tabs already (over the world’s most boring reason - the covering of jam, don’t ask) and most people on the show have already written her off. When she and her roommates got a compliment from the advisor on the show over their staff quarters renovation, she jumped in and said “Actually, that was all my idea, mine mine MINE! EVERYONE COPIED ME” or something along those lines. She’s the sour girl everyone disliked at school.

A few other characters have emerged in the fifteen contestants, like sleazy Erik and straight talking David. The rest have sat back and watched on as Tabs irritates the fuck out of her fellow contestants and the viewers.

With tantrums, tears, sexual tension and Jon Stevens singing the theme song, the first episode of The Resort was surprisingly watchable, and infinitely better than The Hothouse. With a sneak peak of next weeks episode (Ooh! Someone is being sent home!), it looks like it is set to continue on it’s trashy course.

Verdict: A guilty pleasure. An ordinary idea, but the easily hateable characters they’ve picked might ensure it’s somewhat decent viewing. Its once a week timeslot also prevents overkill (take a hint, The Hothouse!)

February 10, 2004

Australian I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here!

Australian TV execs - I beg of you. Forget the shitty Australian Queer Eye idea, and instead get some of our own beloved poor celebs on an Aussie version of IACGMOOH! Clearly there’s a market for celebrity humiliation, and there’s nothing the Australian public likes more than cutting down tall poppies than stomping on already withering flowers.

With this in mind, we’ve selected just a few contestants for the top brass of network television to consider as future stars of Australian IACGMOOH. We hope to see it on a television screen soon!

Bruce Samazan. Poor little Brucey - he’s now in real estate - full time! But in his hey day he appeared as a lovable cop on E Street and as.. erm…. something on Neighbours. And possibly popped into Home & Away. And he released an album so bad, even ex-Neighbours alumni Scott Michaelson (the man responsible for Holly Valance!) was forced to make fun of it. We begin the chant right here on ausculture.com - Bring Back Bruce!

Kym Wilson. This would do wonders for her career - the most interesting thing to happen to her since her cover of TV Week days was being one of the last people to hang out with Michael Hutchence. Plus she has an extraordinary amount of porn under her name available online - she could be the red hot temptress on the show.

Brett Blewitt. Not many would recognise this name, but Brett starred as (who else?) Brett Stark on Neighbours back in the early to mid nineties. He also starred *cough* in My Two Lives or My Two Somethingorother. It involved divorced parents and a Saab, from memory. Even more scary than any of this, he’s my second cousin (not that I’ve met him) and I want to help his career. For a terribly blurry picture, click here.

Bonus Points: Can you spot Bruce Samazan?

Toni Pearen. She’d love to hang out with old TV Week peer Kym, and needs a career revival now she’s on Australia’s Funniest Home Videos. An appalling show, and like Kym, there’s a fair amount of internet porn dedicated to her.

Tania Zaetta. Ex host of Who Dares Wins and an Aussie expat in London. Lord knows she needs as much help as she can get when even The Sun’s Victoria Newtown declares her Z-list while not even really knowing who the hell she is!

Dieter Brummer. A local Sydney boy, Dirty Bummer (as he’s refered to down the pub) is rumoured to have been working as a labourer at times to make ends meet. Surely he must be desperately envious of Melissa George - Angel to his Shane - and her slow but steady career climb overseas?

February 5, 2004

2004 Television Profile #1 - The Hothouse

Until I get bored, I’m going to attempt to summarise some of the shows that have hit Australian TV screens already, and a few more that are on their way. The first victim show we’re taking a look at is Channel Ten’s flop The Hothouse.

The Hothouse

We’ve already had a brief go at Channel Ten’s The Hothouse in our daily blogging activities. The first episode was as boring as batshit, and already there is fall out in the Ten offices about the dismal ratings the show has received - particularly irksome for Ten when it’s their answer to The Block and they were counting on it being 2004’s ratings winner.

What seems to be the problem? Well, for my bet, there are far too many people on the show. 26 people to get to know and care about? God, I don’t think I care about 26 people that I know in real life, why on earth would I manage to stir up any sentiments towards DIY loving strangers?

Meanwhile, the personalities on the show so far leave a little to be desired. They’ve got the standard pair of homosexual fellas (as per Wazza and Gazza from The Block and Wazza and Gazza Jnr soon to be featured on The Block II) and about fitty zillion buffed, boring straight couples who all look the same and probably have membership at Cargo Bar. For a moment there, I thought they might have actually had a lesbian couple, which hasn’t been seen on any of the DIY shows on television so far, but it turns out - of course - they’re just sisters. Attractive sisters.

This annoys me no end. I mean, why can’t we have a big butch lesbian couple on The Hothouse if there’s gonna be a pair of gym-loving, immaculately groomed gay men on every bloody show? I understand the stereotype of gay males is the fashionable interior designer kinda thing - which admittedly makes sense on The Block - but hell, The Hothouse is about construction! Lesbians love construction and building work (ny excuse to wear flannel, really)! What a missed opportunity!

As for the insightful website www.thehothouse.tv, I can sarcastically thank Channel Ten for not going overboard with the advertising. I mean, geeez, such informative profiles on each contestant! “If you could choose any car from the Ford range, what would it be?” is hardly a standard question on a psychological exam. What can we expect from this year’s Big Brother profiles? “Which piece of comfortable, stylish and yet affordable furniture from the Freedom range (catalogue available here) best describes your personality?”

The show is going to have to improve vastly if it has any chance of being a decent competitor for Channel 9’s The Block II. No doubt Ten are hoping it’ll be another grower like 2003’s Australian Idol which started slow but by the finale, was one of the country’s top rated shows.

February 4, 2004

TV Fever

Inspired by the nonsense television on our screens at the moment, and continuing our habit of pilfering our own material from old websites, here’s some television shows we expect (or at least hope) to see in the future.

The Blossom Girls

Two of television’s best loved shows are being combined in order to create the ultimate sitcom!

Blossom Russo (Mayim Bialik) - left orphaned and alone after a tragic accident where her shelf of hats collapsed, instantly crushing her entire family (and best friend Six!) - moves with her Aunt Blanche (and Blanche’s friends - Dorothy, Sophia and Rose) to a quiet little town called Petticoat Junction, where the elderly yet feisty ladies now own and run the Shady Rest hotel.

Chuckle as Blossom ends up on the receiving end of an Alzheimers-suffering, bed-wetting Sophia’s witty (and yet often confusing) barbs! Be moved by Dorothy and Rose’s burgeoning romance, which proves that age is no barrier to love (even that of the grey muff-diving kind).Watch the sparks fly as Blanche has a torrid affair with store owner Sam (and the rest of the male population of Hooterville!).

And don’t miss Joey Laurence’s cameo as the ghost of Blossom’s recently departed (and mildly retarded) brother Joey!

The Bills

Three unlikely recruits discover they’ve been teamed up to crack a murder mystery when they join London’s Sun Hill police station. Bill Cosby (The Cosby Show), Bill Oddie (The Goodies) and Billy Idol (80’s popstar and NRL Grand Final mime) join forces as The Bills - mismatched collegues who eventually become a super-sleuthing task force, the likes of which has never been seen at Sun Hill.

Highlights of the first series of The Bills include touching scenes where Bill Oddie and Bill Cosby try to communicate with their mute partner Billy Idol, and also great sadness when the gang discover Bill Cosby’s daughter Rudy is working as a prostitute in London’s East End. Don’t miss this fantastic new spin-off from the hit series “The Bill” , due to appear on the small screen shortly on your ABC!

Home Saints

Australian television’s most celebrated hospital drama All Saints has merged with one of our most successful soaps Home & Away - what a brilliant, Logie-winning move by Channel 7!

After a mass tuberculosis outbreak in Summer Bay, the entire town is admitted to All Saints hospital, where they are cared for by the dedicated staff of Ward 17.

Terri (Georgie Parker) begins to develop feelings for new hospital stud Donald Fisher, but is Mitch too distracted after recognising Sally from a porno he owns to notice his lady being stolen from right in front of him? Meanwhile, Von begins a “flaming” affair with Alf Stewart, but any private moments the two attempt to share in the hospital storage closet are rudely interrupted by the irate ghost of Ailsa.

Bron discovers that Sally has the worst case of herpes the All Saints gang have ever come across (so to speak), while Connor wonders whether Irene’s drinking problem has returned. Could it be vodka in the drip she contantly drags behind her stumbling carcass?

Coming Soon

Surprise Sopranos