August 29, 2005

When It’s Time To Party We Will Party Hard!

Imagine you’re John Brogden MP.

Pose like this as you read or you shall be punished

Yes, you’re a young, swarthy conservative man who makes Liberal ladies weak at the knees. In 2002 you successfully challenged the unfortunate Kerry Chikarovski for the plum job of fronting the NSW Liberal Party, and in doing so became the youngest bloke to ever lead a political party in Australia. Sweet!

Still, things weren’t all good. You’d managed to guide your party to two defeats at the hands of Labor despite the fact that every taxi driver (and God knows they’re better more reliable than any Gallop poll!) in New South Wales predicted the not particularly loved Bob Carr would get his ‘comeuppance’ before each election.

Even stuff like the whole Orange Grove affair and hate for the Carr Government’s land tax didn’t manage to win you control. Boo! This sucks! When will Bob Carr just piss off and let you become the sexiest Premier in the history of New South Wales (excluding John Fahey, obviously)?

But then at last - a light at the end of the tunnel! Bob resigns out of nowhere, and his footsteps are quickly followed by key Labor blokes like Andrew Refshauge and Craig Knowles. This is it, old boy! People are talking about you as though a Liberal win at the next election is inevitable! Yes! Yes! This must be what sex feels like!

Take a moment. Savour it. After too many years of sorrow, everything’s finally coming up Brogden. Where to from here? How do you celebrate the beginning of such a momentous new era in your political life?

Dude, let’s party. Put on a clean pair of tighty whities and pick your wackiest gag tie from out of the wardrobe, because it’s time for you to -

• Down a few bottles of full-strength beer - wait till you tell the guys at the next Liberal Party Golf Tournament (No Girls Allowed) about your new ultra-masculine drinking habits!
• Try to look engrossed in conversation with a few hot (and lucky!) babes at Marble Bar while secretly making detailed mental notes on their skimpy wardrobe and the funny, somewhat tingly and not altogether unpleasant sensation caused by the friction between your trousers and your new jocks which you’ve never quite noticed before!
• Enjoy some strawberries on skewers, which you’ll dip into white and dark chocolate fondue fountains whilst you regale your fellow party-goers with witty bon mots!
• Like the one where you refer to Bob Carr’s wife of over thirty years as a “mail order bride” - hahaha. Cos she’s got funny eyes and doesn’t have milky white yummy soft skin like mummy used to have. Hey, having a sense of humour worked for Tony Grieg, didn’t it?
• Another full strength beer never hurt anyone, did it?
• Heh. And another for the big boy who’s riding the success train toward 2007 Election Victory Train Station!
• “Maybe jush one more, jush to be shoshul…”
• “Shhaaaay, arnn they shum shexy ladeeeysh ofah there? Ahmm jush gunna shay hellllllloooooooooo!”
• “Shweeeeethard, arrrryeww taken, daaahlin? Hic. Dijoo know whoowa am? Dijoo? Maybe a liddle tap on yew liddle boddom will remind you, schweeeethard! HAHAHA wanna taka look at my member for Piddwadder? Thash a metaphor…”
• “CARN YEW TAKAJOKE? Ahhm gunna go home. I’m schick of nodbein’ reshpected.”

Snap out of it now, readers. You are no longer in the great mind of NSW Opposition Leader John Brogden. And be grateful for it, or you may well join John in feeling the hurt and anguish of having the filthy gutter-hounds over at the Labor Party making “grubby personal attacks” on your good name.

Because none of the stuff listed above happened! None of it! Except it sort of did - but in a mates way! Certainly nothing too offensive, except for maybe the Helena Carr comment. But that was said in jest! Erm, it was inappropriate jesting, for sure, but… Oh god, it was all… things have been… there’s been a ‘miscontrusion’. Can’t we forget about all this and just go back to talk of the Liberals winning power in 2007?

ausculture.com aren’t at all surprised that Mr Brogden knows how to rock out with his cock out. After all, he was president of the Young Liberal movement back in the day, and as we all know, those kids know how to behave at a knees-up. Kudos, J-Bro.

PS: No actual cocks were out - either rocking or stationary - in the above story. Thank the lord. It’s just a wonderful phrase and we should all be grateful to the Federlines for putting it on everyone’s lips. So to speak. Ummm. Hey! What’s that over there? …

Posted by Jess at August 29, 2005 01:12 AM
— Filed under Common

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