July 25, 2005
The Most Romantic Ode To Love - Ever
This morning the Daily Telegraph published the transcript of a poem Bec Cartwright read out at the reception of her wedding to tennis star Lleyton Hewitt. It is moving, funny, sweet and inspiring - a true work of genius. Long live love, we says.
I really don’t know where to start,
but I definitely know you’ve captured my heart,
An astounding beginning. Right away, Bec has thrust the reader smack bang in the middle of her deep passionate love for Lley-Lley. While she’s the first to admit she’s confused as to how she should begin giving us “the 411” on her love, she wastes no one’s time and gets straight to the crux of what she can confirm - she’s in love, motherchuckers.
It started that night you called me up,
to see if I’d play in the Starlight Cup
Ahh, the Starlight Cup. Lord knows you’ve been responsible for inspiring some coitus in your time. Note that Bec is still rhyming like an absolute trooper - start and heart? Up and cup? You just can’t “fault” her, can you Lleyton? CAN YOU, YOU POOFTER!? C’MMMMOOOOON!
Way back then, little did we know,
That our love for one another could grow and grow,
Well, it was a confusing two week period from your reunion to your engagement.
A text message or two is what kept us in touch
And I want you to know that I love you so much
Or, as I bet you frantically texted to Lleyton using your petite little thumb during the wooing period, “i luv u 4evs lley ur gr8 LOL beau iz suhc a lzr x”. I cannot wait till Virgin Mobile makes you two the poster kids for SMS flirtation. Also, please marvel appropriately at how cleverly Bec, struggling for a word to rhyme with “touch”, leapt straight back into referencing her enduring desire for Lleyton.
It wasn’t ‘til late in 2004
That I received another phone call
When we decided to meet,
we went up the street for something to eat,
“Meet” + “street” + “eat” = TRIPLE THE RHYMING LOVE. Superb. I can quite honestly assure you that after reading that line, I am quietly weeping. In a good way, of course.
From that day on I’ve been by your side
And look at me now,
I am here as your bride!
Only three and a half weeks after you originally decided to meet! Up the street! For something to eat!
I used to wish upon a star
that I’d meet the perfect husband
HEY WTF, WHERE ARE THE RHYMES YO?!
- and here you are!
HAHA AND THERE YOU ARE, INDEED! I WAS NEARLY WORRIED THERE FOR A MINUTE, BEC!
You’re an inspiration to so many including me,
Anyone whose ever met you can count themselves lucky,
I’m sure Kim Clijsters is counting herself lucky as we speak.
I’m so lucky I’ve found the one,
Being with you I have nothing but fun,
Bec, Britney Spears called - she said if she hears of one more reference to Lucky in this poem, she and her chihuahua will have some serious copyright issues to raise with you.
You are my best friend and my dream come true
And I’m so glad to be sharing all this with you
Bob Carr was right - the world needs Lleyton and Bec’s love in troubled times like these.
This is only the start of our dream together,
But I promise to love you until forever
A poetically long time, to be sure!
I can’t wait to start my life with you,
Just being together, our dreams will come true
(this girl’s icy cynical heart melts a little forming a puddle on the floor which strangely resembles the Channel Seven logo)
I have no doubt I’m glad to be your wife,
And being with me is now a part of your life
I admire you for so many reasons,
I mean look at what happened at the Four Seasons!
IMPROMPTU SURVEY ALERT! What on EARTH happened at the Four Seasons? Answers on a postcard, please. Something kinky, I’ll bet.
We’re about to experience the miracle of life,
but always remember I’m so proud to be your wife,
Which is something you might forget while Bec’s in the midst of screaming, testicle-squeezing labour pains.
Having a family with you makes me so glad,
I know I’ll never get sad,
‘Glad’ matched with ‘sad’? Truly the high point of the piece. Bec Cartwright wields a pen with the deft skill of a surgeon (not to mention her ability to rock the microphone like a vandal - see ‘All Seats Taken’ for further details). I haven’t seen a wordsmith wrangle the English language so successfully since All Saints managed to rhyme ‘bad’ and ‘sad’ in the song Never Ever.
Thanks so much for choosing me,
By sticking together we’ll make a great family
LIKE A CHEAP BRILLIANT AUSSIE VERSION OF THE BECKHAMS!
Engaged and then married and now one on the way,
I’ll take such good care of you every day,
Tut, tut. Let’s not take too much creative license - I’m not entirely certain the order of events is chronologically correct.
It’s safe to say I’ll love you more and more
And marrying you today, I couldn’t be more sure.
This is building up to an playful-but-emotional knockout. Can you feel it? Are you tingling in excitement?
Rebecca Hewitt! I’m your wife!
KAPOW!
I promise you one thing, stick with me and you’ll have a bloody good life!
Hahahaha, nice one. I love a comedic ending! I imagine that last line being delivered with a real Hayley Smith-Lawson cheeky stage school giggle. While listening, I can imagine Alf Stewart looking on admiringly while Irene weeps bucket loads of happy tears. Best reception poem ever.
BEC & LLEYTON DAY WILL FOREVER LIVE ON IN OUR HEARTS!
ALL HAIL THE CARTWRIGHT-HEWITTS!
— Filed under Common
Comments
Other rhyming words Bec could have used include “vapid” and “insipid”, “Clijsters” and “blisters” … and maybe the little strumpet should have topped it off with “bum-chin” and “chagrin”.
That’s possibly the worst poetry I’ve ever heard since Vanilla Ice told me other DJ’s said “damn” when he sold his rhymes by the “gram”.
Reply to this
Superb work, Jess.
I can’t believe it’s real - I just can’t. Surely some kind of hoax.
And well done for working Britney’s chihuahua in there. It was recently brought to my attention that her other dog is called ‘Bit Bit’, which I think is a fantastic name. Bit Bit may in fact be the very best thing about Britney.
Reply to this
This post is my sole reason for living right now :)
Reply to this
“Having a family with you makes me so glad, I know I’ll never get sad”
Rebecca Hewitt - it’s got budding nobel literature laureate written all over it.
Reply to this
Hey! Lley off All Seats Taken. That song kicks Tammin’s brunette ass.
Killin’ your brain like a poisonous mushroom.
Reply to this
Bec's odious poem
A friend of mine and I made this little pearl of a discovery at work today while trawling through the entertainment news on the net. We took turns in reciting it verse by verse with Kath and Kim accents - it was soooo noice. I felt like I was back in high school.
Reply to this
Dear Jess
I am so fucking exploding with the flayva of that shit right now. Could it be the Greatest English Language Masterpiece since the Corpse of Shakespeare? Or even ‘There Ain’t No Such Thing As Halfway Crooks, Scared to Death They Scared to Look, they Shook’??
WHY DO WE HAVE TO SEE IT, ISN’T THERE A PRIVACY ACT? (did I misinterpret that Act, stupid Legislation!!)
Kind Regards and Congratulations to those Married Motherfuckers!
IOYC as Authorised Agent for DuPont Ltd (A GlaxoSmith Company)
Reply to this
Going up the street for something to eat: $25 Admiring you for so many reasons, ending up at the Four Seasons: $300 Writing the poem of the century as a result: priceless
Reply to this
The poem
We were discussing “the poem” at work again today marvelling once again at all the amazing rhyming when one of my co-workers uttered some gold… “Oh she must have got some help with it”
Reply to this
Good times
As a 16 year old high school student, I don’t understand why they don’t include this poem into the English curriculum straight away. Move over Banjo Paterson, Robert Frost and Emily Dickinson, there is a new poet on the block. When you thought Bec couldn’t hit a new low, she has out done herself. I better go change my pants now because I have wet myself from laughing.
Reply to this
god, you’re all so verbose aren’t ya!!
clearly bored with nothing better to do than try and show each other your own grip on the English language…oh and some of you can even name of poets…wow, you’re all so much better than Bec
tossers
Reply to this
JD you’re a joke. Come get your literary whooping and stop putting TV Week posters on your wall.
Reply to this
Oh no, scary internet threats!
Fight, fight, fight!
Reply to this
Post
a new comment
It says “special guest”. Surely that was you, Jess?
Bec’s poem was so, so beautiful and- I have to lie back down again. Sorry.
Greatest poem ever, to be sure. And yes, it was one of mine - Jo has to post while I’m at work but there’s been a change to the set up and the new stuff doesn’t seem to go under my name. Annoying but what can you do? AT LEAST THE POSTS ARE THERE, DAMMIT!
Jo4Evs x