June 08, 2005

… take for example Christopher Reeve. Now here is a man, and I care about Christopher Reeve because I think he is an incredibly talented man. But look at him; where has his career gone?

Alright, fractures, burns, addiction - what else can vitamins effectively address?
Certainly all mental illnesses are better treated with a single Flintstones vitamin than any possible drug company solution, whether you’re talking about schizophrenics, the clinically depressed, homosexuals, dangerous psychotics -
Homosexuality?
Absolutely. I know a man - a famous actor, very successful, really underrated - who suffered for a long time from the illness. Oh, he was always in a heterosexual relationship. My God, he had more beards than Artemus Gordon - but inside, he knew he was sick. Then he started taking vitamins, and the change was awesome. You should’ve seen him. He was giddy, he was jumping around on couches like a crazy man with all his new vitality, he was kissing women without getting physically sick. Obviously, he became a huge proponent of vitamin treatment therapy.
And it cured his gayness?
Completely. Let’s just say that busboy over there - the one with the greasy hair - came over and pulled out a massive segment of babyleg and laid it on the table, probably uncircumcised…
That seems unlikely…
Shut the hell up. I mean, it’s just for argument’s sake. Say he did. If this actor was sitting at the table when he did that, and that busboy came over and laid it on the table with a thick-sounding slap in all its veiny glory, as long as the guy kept taking his vitamins, he wouldn’t be affected in the least.
(Concerned) You’re sure eating a lot of those.
I’m almost out.

But not for Holmes, 26. She has taken a solemn vow to stay a virgin until her honeymoon.

She could have dodged all the bedtime bother by dating a notorious closet homosexual and have him declare his undying love for her. Instead, she chose to fall for testosterone-charged action man Tom Cruise, 42.