May 02, 2005

A Conversation Overheard Between Katie Holmes And Tom Cruise

Katie - Wow, Tom - I’m having the greatest time in Rome!

Tom - I know you are, girlfriend.

Katie - I can’t tell you how happy I am, baby. I do sort of wish your personal assistant\chef\bodyguard would give us some time alone.

Tom - Brent? Don’t mind Brent. He’s just, you know, really protective of me.

Katie - But there’s really not much chance of you being attacked or needing a hand or something to eat in the shower, is there?

Tom - Honey, let’s not ask too many questions.

Katie - Okay, Tom. Tom?

Tom - Yeah, girlfriend?

Katie - I think we need to talk about sex.

Tom - No, we really don’t need to. Trust me.

Katie - Look, I know you’re a man and you have needs that can only be satisfied by a woman who loves you.

Tom - Of course! Why, what have you heard? I’ll sue anyone who says otherwise!

Katie - No one’s said anything, babe. It’s just… well… I’m just a little worried. We haven’t done anything yet, and I thought you might be feeling impatient.

Tom - Impatient? Oh yeah, sure, sure. I LOVE vagina, yeah baby. Man, I’m hanging for some right now.

Katie - Really?

Tom - No, not right now, thanks all the same, girlfriend.

Katie - Okay, well, here’s the thing. I care about you Tom, I really do. But, well… Oh, you’re so going to break up with me when I tell you this.

Tom - What is it, babe?

Katie - I want to stay a virgin until I’m married.

Tom - Are you for real?

Katie - I am, actually. And the thing is, I’ve just broken off a long term engagement so I’m not really in a rush to get married in the near future.

Tom - So what you’re saying is, it’s literally going to be years and years before you ever will expect me to have sex with you?

Katie - Yeah, I suppose I am saying that, Tom. Are you angry?

Tom - Angry, baby? How could I be angry at you? Look, everyone knows I’m a man who lives for women. I only ever eat chicken breast. You might have noticed since we’ve been in Rome that I speak a little Italian - but I only ever use feminine pronouns. Hell, I even subscribe to Playgirl! So, like, I can keep up with what all the ladies I want to sleep with need and want from their straight, straight men.

Katie - That’s true. You love women. You told me. You made me sign a contract agreeing to that fact before the trip to Rome.

Tom - Right, right. So anyway, even though it’ll be reaaaaal hard to repress this twenty four hour a day hankering I have for lady-bits, I’ll keep my lust contained for as long as it takes.

Katie - God you’re dreamy.

Tom - I know, honey.

Katie - I have a good feeling about this relationship.

Tom - Me too, honey, me too. Just know I’ll wait till we get married, no matter how long that takes. And hey - if you’re still not sure, I’ll KEEP waiting even after we’re married, okay? There’s no rush, no rush at ALL. Now give me a quick kiss, I’ve gotta go meet Brent at the sauna back at the hotel and I’m running late.

ausculture.com would like to clarify for legal reasons that the purpose of this blog entry is to simply confirm for our audience the sheer heterosexualness of Tom Cruise, a fine actor who does not like men - neither their penises nor their bum-holes. He just likes vagina. Okay? Good.

Posted by Jess at May 2, 2005 02:46 AM
— Filed under Common

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