May 01, 2005

Live Logie Blogfest

It’s been a big weekend, and it’s far from over. Tonight we will come together as a nation to celebrate the stars of Australian television as they gather to congratulate each other on a wonderful year, drink far too much and generally embarrass themselves.

Can you believe we’re going to blog it?

See you here shortly.

---

7:32pm - What a brilliant beginning - Richard Wilkins and Catriona Rowntree! Did we agree to blog about the red white carpet arrivals?

7:34pm - It’s been minutes and we’ve seen Lavinia Nixon, Vadim from Outback Jack (and his fiance) and HOLLY BRISLEY! I don’t care about your new Home & Away role, missy - you’ll always be a Z-List Nikki hater in my eyes, bless you.

7:39pm - I don’t know if I can do this. ARGH!

7:45pm ENOUGH of this Justin Henry character! The Logies are about snubbing John Wood, they are NOT about conducting a three hours advertisement for Maybelline!

7:56pm Kathryn Morris, the Cold Case star who has been flown out to Australia to play the role of Token American Television Actor Who Will Validate This Awards Ceremony, has a disarmingly large head. Poor petite little poppet. Richard Wilkins has been chatting to her about her childhood and then casually drops in “So, I see you’re wearing Collette…” - young man, just because you’ve knocked a designer up doesn’t mean you should forget to call them by their full name when discussing their work! It’s Collette Dinnigan regardless as to whether you’ve impregnated her or not - don’t forget it, you over-familiar prat.

7:58pm Ha, and I love that they’ve chosen a boppy dance track to play while the camera pans the red carpet - a track which has a chorus that goes “Waiting for a star to fall…” - damn straight, I am. I will die a happy, happy girl if Kyle Sandilands falls over his own feet. Bonus points if his face lands anywhere near Anthony Callea’s pelvic region.

8:06pm Please, please go away, Justin Henry.

8:08pm Oh my god. Is it inappropriate to acknowledge Madelaine West’s ridiculously large rack? I’m jealous as hell.

8:09pm What the hell have you done to your hair, Ian Thorpe? An undercut? Nooooooooo! At least you didn’t pretend the blonde on your arm was your girlfriend. “Guuurl friend!”, with obligatory finger clicks punctuating each syllable, perhaps - but girlfriend-in-the-tonguing-and-arse-grabbing-and-tit-leering-sense girlfriend? No, Ian. Let’s not live a lie anymore.

8:11pm Brief Gretel Spot!

8:17pm Bec Cartwright and Lleyton Hewitt! Best night ever! I never really noticed it before but Lleyton has a massive bum chin of his very own. I can only imagine the size of the facial cleft their first born will sport.

8:21pm Wooooo! End of red carpet! Real awards of pain coming up!

8:24pm Andrew O’Keefe, Eddie McGuire and Rove McManus - Rove is, believe it or not, going to come out of this very very well. This is because Eddie is desperate for people to like him and he’s trying too hard, and O’Keefe reeks of precocious stage school star.

8:26pm Am I the only one feeling like these three men seem less like awards ceremony hosts and more like three teenage boys attempting a stand up skit at school camp?

8:32pm Blair McDonough and Bec Cartwright are out to present the evening’s first award. Bless their hilarious onstage banter! And the award for Most Popular New Female Talent Award goes to… Natalie Blair aka Carmella from Neighbours! And she’s about to cry from the sheer emotion of it all. Cos God knows winning this award is a guarantee of future success in the industry. Christ, Natalie Blair has taken over five minutes to accept the award, screaming out thank yous to anyone she’s ever met - aww, she had to be beeped off stage TWICE! More interesting is Susan Kennedy’s date - is she… could she be… is it the real estate? That would be so fucking cool.

8:37pm Lavinia Nixon and Some Bloke present Most Popular New Male Talent to a pretty boy from Home & Away. This is a travesty of justice - it should have gone to Stingray from Neighbours, without question.

8:46pm Kathryn Morris and Eric Ex-All Saints are presenting the award for Best Actor - poor old Beau Brady looks miserable - it must be killing him to watch Bec Cartwright all over Lleyton Hewitt. And he misses out on the Logie, with the award going to John “Gold Logie? No Thanks!” Wood. Congratulations, John! John refers to Blue Heelers as an old animal “limping along” through life. So true. He also reminds the networks to continue spending money on Australian drama - do it, do it, do it, indeed!

8:50pm And Bec Cartwright wins Most Popular Actress - the first of many awards for the night, we assume. Lleyton smacks a kiss on her lips and whispers “I love you” and she leaves the table without saying it back. See, Beau? It’s far from perfect. Sure, she thanked him in her speech but whatevs. Go get drunk and grab Madelaine West’s rack, Beau, there’s a good lad.

8:52pm Mario? Yawn. Nice stage and coordinated dancing though - it’s like when they get R&B groups to perform on Ricki Lake - technically a performance, and yet… so very sad at the same time.

9:00pm They just did a run down of Georgie Parker’s career, and showed a brilliant clip where she punched the hell out of her rival. Excellent! PARKER FOR THE GOLD LOGIE!

9:02pm Craig “Moved My My Own Performance” McLachlan and Natalie Bassingthwaite present the Most Outstanding Children’s Something to a show which seems to contain the actor who played the son of the woman who killed herself on Desperate Housewives. Did that make sense?

9:05pm Kimberley Davies and Jules Lund present Most Popular Australian Drama to McLeod’s Daughters. The cast are all on stage to accept the award, and there’s a delightfully orange woman running around who is seemingly oblivious to the acceptance speeches being made, and she’s grabbing the actors and kissing them. I assume she works on the show but you never really know, do you?

9:08pm I quite like this Adam Hill bloke from the ABC. He should host next year, if the guy who plays Stingray Timmins is unable to do it.

9:13pm I am comforted by the fact that a career in acting is not likely to be on the agenda for Ian “Finger In Every Pie” Thorpe. Worst skit ever! Still love Magda though, in a sort of sell out way.

9:17pm In what world does The Footy Show: NRL win awards for excellence? A fucked up one, where Little Britain and men in dresses rule!

9:18pm But I do adore that little Johns man. What a dazzling smile!

9:19pm GOODBYE, Ian Thorpe! If you’re not winning me medals, I’m sorry, but I have no desire to see you on my screen x

9:20pm Best Sporting Big Bloody Event Thingo award goes to… Christ, sport really is boring isn’t it? The award goes to Network Ten’s Bathurst 1000 special and I go for a cigarette outside. Back soon!

9:31pm Someone involved in one of the television program’s nominated for Best Lifestyle Show used to brag about their bisexual dalliances at their old network. That’s all I’m gonna say. Ahem.

9:34pm Goddamn, Jamie Durie is really really bland. I can’t believe he was ever a stripper.

9:35pm Dutch emailed me on Friday and requested I go gentle on Keith Urban’s performance, so excuse me while I censor myself. I —— —- ———- — ——- — —— till ——— — ——- half ——- not that I —— ——— because ——- down I think ——— —— ————— —- ———. Love the bass player though - what funk! What attitude! Keith, stop singing in an American accent, dear heart! ——- — ———- —- ———— fucking Tennessee! I do sort of like you though. And that “Days Go By” song. Let us never speak of it again.

9:44pm Nikki Webster and Todd McKenney present Most Popular Overseas Program. Note to Nikki - it is easier for me to defend you when I don’t actually see you on television or need to sit through your scripted gags. Woo! The OC wins the Logie but - hilariously - Nikki informs us “they are unfortunately unable to join us tonight” because they’re working. HAHAHA yes, cos there was a great chance they’d bother flying out to pick up the award otherwise! Peter Gallagher obviously drew the short straw back on set in LA and grudgingly gives thanks for the ‘honour’ via video.

9:47pm Claudia Karvan and Token Overseas Male Actor give out the award for Most Popular Light Entertainment Program to Rove Live. Congratulations Kynan! We know it’s ALL you, even if the talentless showpony bastards forgot to thank you directly. Also, where are Claudia’s boobs? Doesn’t she get them out on every show she appears on? I LIVE for Claudia Karvan’s boozies!

9:55pm Outback Jack is so fucking shit, when will he disappear? He and Johanna Griggs hand over the award for Most Popular Reality Television Program to Australian Idol. Andrew G gives his girlfriend a quick tonguey and pops onstage to accept the award along with Casey Donovan, James Mathieson and some bloke I don’t recognise - presumably a producer. Andrew G helpfully points to Casey and announces that “she is our Australian Idol!” Poor Casey. Things aren’t looking good when even Andrew G feels the need to remind the nation of your existence.

10:00pm Car crash television - Craig McLachlan singing You’re The One That I Want to Natalie Bassingthwaite on stage. This is the worst thing I’ve ever seen. Ever. And I’ve seen a lot of shit.

10:02pm And it GETS WORSE - Richard Wilkins in a sparkly jacket and bad American accent? I have just vomited all over my keyboard.

10:07pm Tara Someone from Sixty Minutes presents the Most Outstanding Documentary or Documentary Series award to SBS for The President Versus David Hicks. Can’t really make any jokes at this point, kids.

10:10pm I am so pleased that on Australian television’s glittery evening of superficiality, there’s a bloke standing up and talking a little politics. Fucking brilliant and inspiring and I’m pleased beyond belief. Was his name David Levi? He’s my new hero.

10:15pm Bless him, is Dave Hughes presenting an award or doing a stand up gig?

10:16pm Presenting, apparently! He gives Outstanding Comedy Series to The Chaser Decides - excellent! Truthfully, there were at least three different programs that could have gotten the award with my blessing, especially John Safran vs God which I adored. Woo, The Chaser do a joke directed at Thorpey’s hair - I love them more than ever.

10:20pm I am absolutely sick of these sneaky “hilarious” product advertising skits - Jules Lund and Jason Smith can shove a nice bottle of Garnier hair care product right up their tight little sphincters.

10:25pm Sandra Sulley and Someone Else present the Most Outstanding Public Affairs Report award to ABC for Into The Forest: Ivan Milat - Australian Story. No jokes here either, carry on.

10:28pm Jana Wendt and George Negus arrive on stage - someone feed Jana a Krispy Kreme, stat! One bad Liberal Party joke by George directed toward Kim Beazley, and off they go. They presents Most Outstanding News Coverage to National Nine News’ Tsunami coverage.

10:30pm They’re not… are they? They are! They’re dedicating Anthony Callea’s performance of The Prayer to the tsunami victims! My fucking arse, his performance is dedicated to Mother’s Day-inspired sales of his debut album, more like!

10:38pm The Three Horsemen Of The Apocalypse are onstage to present the Silver Logie for Most Popular Short Man On Telly - and it goes to Rove! Never in my life did I expect to be grateful to see Rove win something, but I loathe Andrew O’Keefe so much more than I ever imagined I could so anyone who makes him tear up and feel the pain of failure gets straight into my good books. Rove, this is the beginning of a beautiful new era for you and I, yes indeed.

10:42pm Val Jellay and Bud Tingwell induct Neighbours into the TV Week Hall of Fame. Cue skit! Are you ready? Let’s watch! It’s already started well with Harold Bishop in a crisp white suit with Frenchy sounding music playing in the background!

10:44pm I think I would understand this more if I were stoned.

10:45pm Or maybe LSD would be preferable - Ian Smith just performed a rap.

10:46pm God, I love Neighbours. You’d never see the Home & Away gang delving into the murky realms of absurdist performance theatre during the Logies, would you? They have no IDEA about art. Go Neighbours!

10:51pm Rebecca Gibney and Lisa McCune giggle their way through an awful scripted gagfest, and then present the Silver Logie award for Outstanding Actor In A Drama Series to Sam Neill for his performance in Jessica. I fucking hate that book, by the way. Three thousand goddamn pages of misery and melodrama, I can’t believe they bothered to make it into a telemovie.

10:55pm The chick who died in McLeod’s Daughters last year presents - along with Aaron Jeffery - the award for Most Outstanding Miniseries/Telemovie to Jessica. I sort of wish I’d watched it now rather than avoiding it due to awful memories of the book. For research, you know.

10:58pm Fuck off, Jules Lund and Jason Smith! Just stick to hot bathroom sex rather than hot bathroom sex followed by hair care product discussion!

11:03pm Oooh, the most exciting award of the night - the Maybelline Best Dressed award! Introduced by Eddie McGuire (who threw in a cheesy cash for comment or three for good measure), the award goes to Bec Cartwright! I am wondering whether Bec has a tendency to accidentally refer to Lleyton as Beau, since she’s refused to use his name at all through out the night and simply referred to her fiance as “that fellow”.

11:04pm Lleyton just cracked the joke of the night at Eddie’s expense. Asked Eddie in a slimy manner “So, Lleyton, how’s the acting on Home & Away going?” Lley Lley responded “Well, a lot better than Collingwood are going!” or something along those lines. Eddie fucking HATED it - stifling a grimace while pretending to laugh in a merry fashion. Hahahahahahaha I adore Lleyton!

11:06pm Sigrid Thornton comes on stage and presents the Logie for Most Outstanding Actress in a Drama Series - the Logie goes to Miranda Otto for Through My Eyes. Miranda is in Sydney but joins us due to the wonder of those high falutin’ satellite crosses! She has nothing interesting to say, alas. Can someone PLEASE get drunk and make a schmozzle of themselves?

11:11pm ANOTHER GARNIER PRODUCT PLACEMENT WITH FUCKING JULES LUND?! And Skye Mangel?! I hate Jules, I hate him so much I can’t even contain it.

11:20pm Looks like Love My Way won something - I have just spent eight minutes exchanging stories of shock and disbelief regarding the Neighbours skit with a sexy young vixen on the phone. Have I missed anything? Also, we’re totally agreed that Rove looks better than ever tonight, due to the sheer cuntery of Eddie and Andrew O’Keefe.

11:22pm I can’t believe The Beaze is chatting away at the Logies. Man, Latho would have been much better. I miss the old Mark - he would have been the PERFECT addition to tonight’s proceedings. He’d have gotten drunk, punched O’Keefe in the snout, dacked Richard Wilkins and then shown his arse on stage - all before 9:30pm.

11:25pm Listen, I’m not one to question the organisers who have clearly put on one of the best Logie nights EVER IN THE HISTORY OF ANYTHING, but one does wonder why we have an opera group no one cares about in Australia singing My Way while pictures of New York are shown in the background - on Australian televisions NIGHT OF NIGHTS! If they were singing an operatic rendition of Khe Sahn while showing footage of the Neighbours dance-fest from almost an hour ago, it’d be a different story. Besides, there’s only room for one successful pop-opera (popera!) star in this country, ain’t that right Callea? Coming up next - GOLD LOGIE! Bec or Rove? Cos it certainly won’t be John Wood, har har har!

11:28pm I kid you fucking not, Channel Nine just went down. There was a test pattern on my screen and now there’s just a lonely old Nine logo. No sound. Nothing! BUT THE GOLD LOGIE, WHO WILL WIN IT, ETC?!

11:31pm Oh thank Satan, we’re back and O’Keefe is talking to the Blue Heelers table and insisting on calling John Wood “Woody” incessantly. I’d kill for a network transmission problem around now, please. Please. Oooh, Bec Cartwright’s lost the ability to speak! Good for her. If only Eddie would suffer a similar fate.

11:34pm I quite like Georgie Parker, I’ve decided. She seems slightly pissed.

11:36pm In comparison, Sam Neill is obviously quite pissed, talking about the Gold Logie as being a prime example of democracy. So very drunk! Hahaha he just said “if everything goes well in Iraq, who knows? Maybe they’ll have their own Logies one day. Democracy. Yes.” I am in love with him, the sarcastic stud. He announces the first nominee - ‘Bridie Cartwright’. Thank you, God, for answering my earlier prayer for a drunken person on stage!

11:37pm And Rove wins again! In your face, Bridie Cartwright! Somewhere in a Northcote factory, three hundred and something old people are high fiving each other on another job well done.

11:06pm Rove says “just a little bit of wee has come out”! My god. That sounds familiar (shoots a stare down in a Melbourne direction).

11:41pm Rove just said “This is fucking awesome” - years of hate, washed away. Overwhelming feeling of love and adoration… sweeping… over me… Swearing is the new black.

11:41pm Eddie, ENOUGH of the Garnier comments! It’s so unbelievably whoreish. Hurry up, Michael Buble - let’s finish this puppy off.

---

I can’t believe it, another Logies year over. What a marvellous night it was, too! In no way cheap or tacky or filled with crass commercials for products I now plan to boycott, like Garnier (hiss!)! Yes, this year’s Logies were undoubtedly the greatest thing I’ve ever witnessed. Thank you, Channel Nine! Thank you, TV Week readers! Please kill me.

Posted by Jess at May 1, 2005 08:55 PM
— Filed under Common

Comments

()

/ Trackbacks (URI)