April 20, 2005

STOP PRESS!

Na na nana na na!

She’s spent the last few months getting Botoxed, exercising with a personal trainer and following a nutritionist’s advice in order to ensure she’s in top shape when she begins her attempt to control the pop charts once again.

Naturally she’s arranged for television cameras to capture every moment of the miraculous transformation - VH1 are the lucky station behind the new reality show called Remaking Taylor Dayne.

ausculture.com can’t wait to see Taylor’s triumphant return to the music world for a number of reasons.

Number One
“Withaaa luuurve soooo deeeeep an warmantroooo, ahwillbeeee theeeeeere… OoHHhhH! Hon-neh, I’ll beeEEEEEEeeee yer shelt-arrrrr! I’ll betha WAHN tah takeya throoooughtha NIGH!” Brilliant. Need we say more?

Number Two
Now that Britney’s taking time off to breed and Madge is busying herself with writing books like Yakov and the Seven Thieves, it’s obvious The Public will require a new Kabbalah-loving songstress. Thank GOD for Taylor Dayne, then! Taylor howled loudly on her official website -

For the past 1 1/2 years I’ve been studying Kabbalah here in Los Angeles. It’s become a very important tool in my life. Through this growth and teachings it’s lead me to some wonderful openings and opportunities.

Right on! Tell us more! We’ve got half an hour before Russell Crowe is due to come over and chat about his dabble with Scientology!

Number Three
Taylor believes in us. Now, there’s really not many pop stars you can say that about. Back on her wonderful website, Taylor told her fans (eg THE ENTIRE WORLD, IF THEY KNOW WHAT’S GOOD FOR THEM!) the following…

Now on to some important stuff… You! YOU! YOU ALL have a voice, a gift, the ability to move mountains! SHARE! SHARE! SHARE! Share your special gift!

Christ almighty, Tay - calm down! We’ll share, we promise! Just put down the knife and stop the virtual shrieking! We heart Taylor Dayne’s website, in case you hadn’t noticed. We love it when celebrities take loads of speed and hit the net in between bouncing off the walls.

Number Four
Her real name is Leslie Wonderman!

LET IT BE KNOWN ACROSS THE WORLD THAT AUSCULTURE.COM FULLY BELIEVE TAYLOR DAYNE WILL REACH THE STELLAR HEIGHTS OF SUCCESS NOT SEEN SINCE… UMMM… THE LAST TIME SHE HIT THE STELLAR HEIGHTS OF SUCCESS!

Well done, Taylor. Can’t wait to see the show and hear the new music. Anyway, it’s time to retire your creation “Anastacia” - it didn’t work for Garth “Chris Gaines” Brooks and it didn’t work for you. Boom boom.

Posted by Jess at April 20, 2005 01:38 AM
— Filed under Common

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On April 20, 2005 08:02 PM, Tony P wrote:
Oh, like, my god!

When I sung the words;

“Lurve will lead you baaaayack Someday AAAAAAGH just know-w thayt Lurve will lead you back to my arrrrrms It-a-won’t be looouong One of these days Our lurve will lead you back”

into a toilet roll microphone back to Taylor Dayne as she mouthed the same words to me via the picture tube, back in ‘89, i knew, I KNEW GODDAMMIT!, the words we sung would ring true.

Thank you Ausculture for being be bearer of good tidings. Forever in your debt.