March 02, 2005
ausculture.com Examines The Australian Singles Chart
The ARIA Singles Chart can occasionally be quite revealing. More often than not though, is a musical list of shame. Woe! We’re opinionated folk here at ausculture.com so we figured that a guide to this week’s ARIA chart - with our verdicts on individual songs proudly thrust out as the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth - was in order. Enjoy or disagree as much as you like!
1 - OVER AND OVER - Nelly feat. Tim McGraw
Country Star + Rap Star + Romantic Troubles = The R’n’B’n’C Equivalent Of Dido
2 - RICH GIRL - Gwen Stefani
Best pop song of the year (so far). This track has about five separate hooks. It is the pop version of this frighteningly successful device (although with, erm, two more hooks. At least.) I think we should all thank our lucky stars that since Britney has retired into Red Bull & Marlboro fuelled wedded bliss post-Toxic glory, Ms Stefani has picked up the baton and started running - trailed by a throng of Japanese gals in funky couture. She is two for two so far - if her next single continues the brilliant pop streak, Gwen will edge closer towards realising her obvious dream to become the next Madonna.
3 - NASTY GIRL - Nitty
Australians, what is wrong with you? If your fat, bogan boyfriend began singing obnoxious, supposedly sexy lyrics in an out of tune fashion over the top of a classic song like Sugar Sugar, you’d tell him - rightfully - to shut the fuck up and go back to drinking beer and watching cricket. But when a black hip hop dude does the exact same thing, you buy it in droves.
4 - LET ME LOVE YOU - Mario
Reviewer sOUL bROTHA says on HMV.com.au - “DIS HAS BEEN JAMMIN IN MY BEEMA FOR AGES I CANT GET ENOUGH. DA REMIX WIT JADA and T.I IZ HOT TOO. ALSO CHECK OUT HIS ALBUM -TURNING POINT- FOR DA TRACK -BOOM- WIT IS PRODUCED BY LIL’ JON U WONT REGET IT.” Enough said.
5 - GET RIGHT - Jennifer Lopez
This is the song Usher got his knickers in a twist over, yeah? Haven’t heard it all that much, but from what I remember, the horn\car alarm “hook” that insidiously permeates the verses is more annoying than the Voodoo Magic pokie machine feature. Gamblers, y’all know what I’m sayin’ yo! In any case, if it hasn’t got Ben Affleck feeling up her arse in the video clip, I’m just not interested. Sorry, J-Lo but that’s the way the cookie crumbles sometimes.
6 - SINCE YOUVE BEEN GONE - Kelly Clarkson
If you had to pick the second best pop song of the year so far, this’d have to be it. You’ve heard my thoughts on it before though. And we should consider ourselves blessed - the poor old Brits haven’t even had the track released over there yet, according to the latest Popbitch newsletter.
7 - DROP IT LIKE IT’S HOT - Snoop Dogg
Finger clicks continue to fascinate producer Pharrell Williams to the point where we must start asking ourselves whether there’s a degree of mild autism involved here?
8 - SOLDIER - Destiny’s Child
It’s no Bootylicious though, is it?
9 - BEAUTIFUL SOUL - Jesse McCartney
What a girly piece of fucking wank! I’ve “researched” (ahem, Googled) Jesse, and he looks about twelve. Is he twelve? And has anyone confirmed he’s not actually a Culkin?
10 - LALA - Ashlee Simpson
Why do I like this? I don’t know. But I do. In fact, I have secretly enjoyed the majority of Ashlee’s chart “career”. Which I suppose consists of just three songs but whatever. Pieces Of Me and La La were good singles but I found Shadows woeful and its message of “I’m the ugly sister, but I’ve learned to love myself anyway” didn’t really work for me.
11 - NUMB\ENCORE - Linkin Park / Jay Z
Does anyone still listen to Linkin Park, other than angry young men with premature ejaculation issues?
12 - UNDERWEAR GOES INSIDE THE PANTS - Lazyboy
Seriously, how the people behind this can sleep at night is beyond me. What a blatant and appalling rip off of The Sunscreen Song! Which, by the end of its chart domination, became rather blatant and appalling in its own right!
13 - I JUST WANNA LIVE - Good Charlotte
Faux-punks produce faux-Dandy Warhols single complete with delightful fauxsetto falsetto chorus. It’s not horrible, I suppose, but it references a previous hit of theirs in the lyrics and I HATE when bands do that. It is not an in-joke! It is a pathetic plea to the public for love - akin to announcing in a cheesy Troy McClure-ish voice “Hi, we’re Good Charlotte! You might remember us from previous chart hits like Lifestyles of the Rich and the Famous… You like us, remember?” before they play a show.
14 - BOULEVARD OF BROKEN DREAMS - Green Day
As previously stated, this bores me to tears. I suppose it’s not a technically bad song but fuck, seriously - I know you have been publicly outed as the smallest cock in rock via GroupieCentral but Billy Joe! Stop being melancholy and get bouncy again!
15 - LIKE TOY SOLDIERS - Eminem
Slim Shady regurgitates Stan II using the standard Serious Message + Chick Singer Sample formula. It’s not bad, but I don’t think it’s half as good as some people make it out to be.
16 - WONDERFUL - Ja Rule \ Ashanti
Yawn. Everyone knows Ja Rule did his best work in Jennifer Lopez’s I’m Real when he kicked off proceedings by yelling out “What’s my mother fuckin’ naaaame?!” This is fetid bunghole in comparison.
17 - THE PRAYER - Anthony Calea
I can’t believe this song is still in the charts. And just when you’ll think it’s over - BAM! Slinkee Minx will release a dance cover of it!
18 – WHAT’S GOING ON - Casey Donovan
Sadly, not a Marvin Gaye cover - and a disappointing second single debut for the Idol winner. As John Donne once eloquently said “Never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for Casey.”
19 - PONY - Kasey Chambers
I’m outing myself and announcing that I really like this song - whenever I manage to successfully convince myself Kasey’s actually from Nashville and her accent isn’t just an irritating affectation.
20 - NASTY GIRL - Inaya
I am still yet to hear this despite Fopface’s positive reviews in email conversation! Is it any good?
And the rest….
23 - KNOCK U OUT - Joel Turner
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA… I’m done.
27 - WELCOME TO MY LIFE - Simple Plan
WHO is buying this? CONFESS! Another flaccid fella favourite (see Park, Linkin) and it sounds horrid to boot. Nice melody, you whiney fuck. It appears from the vocals you haven’t even bothered to blow your nose after the giant teary blubbering tantrum which no doubt preceded the recording of this song.
36 - MR BRIGHTSIDE - The Killers
This is so mainstream now. The Killers are so over. No wait, hang on - ausculture.com isn’t a respected indie mag! We can feel free to announce then that this song is crazy sexy cool in the full TLC sense. And much better than Somebody Told Me.
37 - BABY IT’S YOU - JoJo
No no, JoJo - it’s you. Wait, let’s confirm - the question was “Which poptartlet featured in this week’s ARIA charts looks like off-putting fresh Republican-supporting paedo meat in her video clips”, right?
45 - DARE YOU TO MOVE - Switchfoot
True or false - Switchfoot are in fact Creed for a new generation? Bless ‘em.
49 - TILT YA HEAD BACK - Nelly feat Christina Aguilera.
This song is about blow jobs, no? What’s with Nelly’s dependency issue, anyway? Has his magical bandaid of self-confidence fallen off, leaving him unable to record without the proverbial crutch of a duet partner?
— Filed under Common
Comments / Trackbacks (URI)
Jess, I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask for a sisterly divorce. You DON’T LIKE IT WHEN SONGS REFERENCE THE ARTISTS PREVIOUS SONGS?????????????
But that is the best thing you can do in a pop song ever. EVER.
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Sorry, sister dearest, but it is a PET HATE of mine. Depending on the context, of course. But it’s rarely ever playful and almost always needy promotion and lack of creativity from what I’ve seen.
And I was afeared when I wrote the comment that it would drive a wedge between us, but I had to be honest, man. (voice creaks with emotion) I had to be honest!
I still think we can move on though, as long as we NEVER SPEAK OF THIS AGAIN.
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Context, eh? Let’s examine that more deeply.
In 2002, Pearl Jam’s “1/2 Full” contained these lyrics:
There ain’t gonna be No middle anymore It’s been said before
Which is a reference to their 1992 song, “Porch”:
All the bills go by, and Initiatives are taken up By the middle, there ain’t gonna be any middle any more
Does this meet your exacting standards? Or is this an unacceptable back-catalogue reference?
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Hmmm. I would say that would be acceptable, since it’s more of a sly lyrical reference to a past idea or something. Also, Porch wasn’t exactly a hit like Alive now, was it, so I reckon it’s different.
Now if in 2002 they’d released a song with lyrics like “You might remember we were Alive if you didn’t call me Daughter” or something - that’d be unacceptable.
I feel there needs to be a chart hit with instant recognition status involved before I loathe it.
And if a band changes the tune of the actual new song in order to literally briefly COVER their old song in their new song, well - I hate that more than ANYTHING.
(who knew I felt so strongly? Not me!)
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I like “What’s Going On” for some reason. I think it may be the tiny bit of rock-chick thing it sort of has going.
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Well, I just had a quick listen on the HMV site and it doesn’t sound as dismal as its horrible chart debut would indicate. Poor old Casey, it all started going horribly wrong after the missing .au debacle. Ironically, I’m sure a similar situation would have only strengthened Anthony Calea’s fanbase.
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Both of her singles sound shit on the website. I have the mp3 of What’s Going On if you would like me to send it to you.
“Ironically, I’m sure a similar situation would have only strengthened Anthony Calea’s fanbase.” Hahaha. i made a post on a forum saying the same thing when the whole debacle first happened.
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Jesse McCartney is 18. And he wants your beautiful soul.
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Was he in the Aphex Twin video too?!?
I’m frightened! Mummy, hold me!
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Mr Brightside better than Somebody Told Me????
No.
That’s just my opinion. www.timholland.com
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Rich Girl...
You do realize that Rich Girl is an cover of “If I were a Rich Man”, from the score of Fiddler on the Roof, a classic 1965 musical about Jews in 1905 Russia.
I hasten to add that I think this is an inspired use of source material. Unlike Nasty Girl.
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Personally I think the original was much better. Gwen is murdering this terrific musical. Stop being so bloody artistic and go back to being a hot rock chick Gwen!!!
That’s Just My Opinion …
www.timholland.com
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Once again, I struggle to fathom that yer an “industry” type if you can’t see the genius of Rich Girl (hahaha and “artistic”, god love you Dutch!) and still endorse Tammin Sursok! xxx
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I was aware, yes indeed. Dr Dre was involved in it too, wasn’t he?
But respectful pilfering aside, it’s still hook-laden :)
And you’re right - Nasty Girl just HURTS!
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I’m sorry Jess, but I’m going to have to pick you up on that - I believe it’s ‘Knock You Out’ by Joel Turner and the Modern Day Poets, featuring Anthony ‘The Man’ Mundine. Try saying that ten times fast. Pfffff. Hatred seething!!!
Ahh, Tuppence my friend - I copied and pasted song titles and artists DIRECTLY from the ARIA chart online itself. Thus, blame - if any - should be directed to them.
I for one am a long time supporter of Modern Day Poets AND Anthony ‘The Man’ Mundine, and would never forget their involvement in the song (which I believed I referred to in the “HAHAHAHA” part of the “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA” comment).
Damn ARIA chart. Why am I the only one appreciative of the contribution of the Modern Day Poets and Anthony ‘The Man’ Mundine??? Incidentally, the name ‘Modern Day Poets’ reminds me of when I was seventeen and living on the north coast of NSW, where the Rous Hotel hosted the ‘Live Poets’ every month. One particular stand-out was the guy in the mullet and the tracksuit who stood there and yelled ‘I’ll eat your fucking SPLEEN!!!’ Yes folks, that’s what passes for poetry these days. That, and ‘Knock You Out’.