February 15, 2005
Disturbing Google Search Phrases VII
Welcome to yet another instalment of Disturbing Google Search Phrases While reading the always wonderful Sherriff’s post regarding his own worrying search phrases, I was reminded that it’s been a while since I’ve knocked one of these puppies out, and I should really stop being so repulsively lazy. Are we ready? Let’s rock!
freaky animal sex
Because ‘vanilla’ animal sex is just too mainstream, I suppose. I wonder if there are really strait-laced goats in the bestial porn industry, and others who are considered loose and slutty and totally willing to get filmed doing nanny goat-on-nanny goat scenes, not to mention anal and group. Something for someone far more disturbed than I to investigate.
double d’s tits
So who are you searching for? Me, or Nadine?
“i ate all the pies”
Shane Warne’s first venture out into the cyber-wilderness, or a punter searching for lyrics from Alex Lloyd’s deeply confessional last album?
steve guttenberg bus
A lesbian bus was one thing, but an entire bus dedicated to the career of Steve Guttenberg? That would be hellish, it really would be. Alternatively though, perhaps Steve Guttenberg now drives a bus for a living since Police Academy XXXIV has wrapped?
penelope cruz, beard for tom cruise
I am confused, Penelope Cruz is a fine Spanish actress, and certainly not facial hair?! And what’s this about the incredibly heterosexual Tom Cruise? Why would he need a beard? Is beard codeword for something I don’t know about? Have I mentioned yet that TOM IS NOT GAY?
is susan kennedy neighbours a lesbian
God, I hope so. Priest shagger to muff diver? Best. Storyline. Ever! And you know what? I’ve totally noticed her checking out Lyn Scully lately. Which is odd, because I reckon Steph’s more her type but whatever.
are three testicals rare
This person really needs to stop using Google to aid his medical self-diagnosis. But the answer to his question is no, not at all. Me, Nelson Aspen, Bec Cartwright and Bea Arthur all owe our astounding success to the presence of our extra dangly bit. Welcome to the club!
masturbation and rowers and 48
Forty-eight masturbating rowers? Rowers who masturbate over forty-eight year olds? Rowers who masturbate forty-eight times a day? There is some sort of fetish happening here, and I cannot pick it for the life of me.
fart on cue
I love that people arrive at ausculture.com while trying to master this skill. It is also an apt summary of our daily blog writings.
fardingbad with cheese and a biscuit
Fardingbad? Is that like farting-bad after cheese and bikkies, or is it a search for some 13th century knight, Sir Arthur Fardingbad, who loved nothing better than some Jatz and tasty cheese after a hard days jousting?
is anthony calea italian
No, he’s Norwegian, can’t you tell? It’s hard to fathom that out of all the queries emerging about Anthony Calea’s identity, some little girl is questioning his Italian-ness of all things!
‘where is joe scully’
Where is Joe Scully, indeed? The shows official line is that he’s off in Bendigo working on a farm. Unofficially, it is believed he hooked up with Taj Coppin at Anson’s Corner’s notorious gay nightspot Sugar Daddies, and the pair ran off together interstate. The Scully children are sadly unaware of their father’s sexual orientation, and Lyn Scully continues to feed them lies regarding the break up.
‘andrew g height’
3’7”, exactly. He is one of the greatest midget performers with awful hair in Australia’s showbiz history.
sharon osbourne sucking cock
Ewww!
bukkake gold coast
Also known as Schoolies. Head here for more information!
wilko what a guy
Yes, he is one of our dearest commenters despite the fact he is suspected of entering daft things in our search engine for my amusement!
girl friend suck kock
There’s a spelling mistake in there. Let us hope and pray they meant to type “cock” and not “Koch” - because I don’t think my sensitive and artistic temperament could handle discovering an entire porn subculture based on erotic photographs involving David Koch.
james mathison is hot
Andrew G, don’t you have work to do?
craig nicholls genius
Craig Nicholls, don’t you have work to do?
what film featured the song “don’t stop believing” by the band journey
We’re always eager to be helpful here at ausculture.com so no jokes this time, just an answer! The movie in question is Monster starring Charlize Theron and Christina Ricci. It played while they shared a hot lesbo pash at the skating rink. AskJeeves can go and kiss my arse, I RULE when it comes to answering queries!
how does fergie from black eyed peas stay in shape
Dancing around like a fuckwit on speed, I’d imagine. Perhaps being infuriatingly crap uses up quite a few kilojoules?
finding someone in indonesian jail
There’s a really awful joke I’m going to stop myself from making. Let’s just say it involved Schappelle, schoolfriends.com.au and a Year Ten formal partner.
your body is a wonderland hewitt
could this be the REAL name of John Mayer’s touching ode to a lover? Someone warn Bec Cartwright that the King of Mongy Singing Faces is after her greasey fiance!
stories of a waitress being kidnapped bound and gagged by a lesbian
I love when the porn hunters get all specific in their searches. Eerily though, it does seem rather reminiscent of our Delta story. Could we be onto something? Will Portia dump Ellen in favour of hooking up with everyone’s favourite faux-Latino dancer\pop singer\saint\home wrecker?
fred savage pregnant
Now THAT’S Hollywood gossip! Nelson Aspen, are you taking notes on this? Kevin Arnold-Goes-Junior will be a big time showbiz scoop, trust me!
how to keep a clean and not smelly dick
I feel proud and privileged that some crusty, spunk-festering knob’s owner spent some time online at our humble website. I love that it’s not just a clean dick he’s after, he wants a “not smelly” dick! Like, the smell is so so so rotten, it’s starting to affect him personally! I’m beginning to feel ill from imagining his mouldy, whiffy wang, so if you don’t mind, I’d like to move on.
big cunt
There are so many to choose from!
the hot hits kyle and jackie o
Please please please tell me that The Hot is some sort of pro-wrestler who has recently beaten the shit out of Kyle and Jackie O?
emma caulfield republican
I know, I know. It’s devastating, babes.
‘Jess ausculture table dancing’
‘Jess rocks’
‘Does Jess have own fan club? ’
‘I heart Jess’
‘Jess ausculture desperate dateless’
I love it when people try to woo me gently through our site’s search engine! Though the desperate\dateless thing was really harsh, man. Sniffle.
— Filed under Common
Comments / Trackbacks (URI)
Hmmm, it’s truly fascinating to get these little glimpses into people’s interests and concerns.
“Freaky animal sex” and its commentary reminded me of that rather nasty film called Meet the Feebles. Wish I hadn’t seen that one.
“Fardingbad” I thought might be somewhere in Pakistan, like Faisalabad, Hyderabad, etc.
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Meet The Feebles was BRILLIANT! Best song ever in it - the ode to sodomy!
Sodomy!I bet you think it very odd of me!That I enjoy the act of sodomy!So join me as I singOf an activity that’s funOpen up your ringand try in front to…Bum - bah bum… Bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum!
I still remember that song over ten years after I saw the movie. High-LARIOUS! Especially funny when the eight year old we were babysitting began quizzing parental figures over what ‘sodomy’ was, and began singing the song constantly!
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Ah, yes, that would be it. Thank you, Jess-O-My-Heart, for bringing it all back with crystal clarity. That was the fox singing, wasn’t it? And then there was the cow who was doing a porno shoot with the rat, and the cat who was . . . with the walrus, and the fly who was . . . Excuse me please, I need some air . . .
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and I thought I was the only freak of a kid who found that movie hilarious.
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Oh, god. I don’t know if I’m laughing or crying any more. Somehow, these just keep getting funnier every time.
If only they knew whose blog they should be going to for the freaky animal sex.
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‘because I don’t think my sensitive and artistic temperament could handle discovering an entire porn subculture based on erotic photographs involving David Koch.’
First I hear a certain family member having sex (hence why I’m listening to very loud music via headphones at nearly 1 AM) and now you bring up the image of David Koch porn. You owe me therapy ;)
Incidentally, at the taping of brilliant ABC current affairs comedy The Glass House (there’s your plug, unnamed crew member, happy?) tonight, Wil referred to a certain show as the ‘Vile and Jackie Ho’ show, which may not be mature but is certainly funny ^_^
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Disturbing Google Searches
Y’all do make me laugh! Sometimes even out loud—a hearty “LOL.” God Bless Google, or I’d never have stumbled across your mirth & merriment (and intermittent malignments). It’s an amazing search engine and now they’re taking over the world… A dear old pal of mine recently revealed to me that her brother just so happened to be the mastermind behind a little brainchild called…….PAYPAL!!! Ya’ just never know where the next big idea will come from (forgive the preposition ending that sentence).
A slightly belated Valentine’s toast to the ausculture.com gang and wishing you love in all its many forms! Celebrate by Googling yourself. Not always, but often, it feels goooood!
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I just got in trouble for spitting coffee on my screen/keyboard. I am serious man!!! Jess, I don’t know whether to thank you and your brilliant wriring or curse you for making me laugh so much i nearly spat coffee AND farted at the same time.
Settle down…. I said nearly!
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I, Sir Arthur Fardingbad thank thee for thy googling into my whereabouts. It doth get cold and lonely in my tomb and ‘tis nice to know someone still cares about me. More than I can say for my comrades Sir Luce Bowels and the ancient scholor Gastric Paynes.
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Hah, busted! The fardingbad search is also me. Part of a cow’s intestinal tract, as far as I know. But just a great word, really.
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Haha very good, sirrah!
Though we must be careful though and not overdose on deliberately nutty searches. Otherwise it’ll turn into Idol - the genuinely freaky shit people are funny, but the obviously fake freaky shit people are just boring and obvious.
And then Disturbing Google Search Phrases will be retired to the vaults, and you’ll be left with shitty crap posts about rubbish.
SHITTY CRAP! MOTHERCHUCKERS!
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Okay, that locks it in. ‘Disturbing Google Search Phrases’ is officially my favourite Ausculture feature.
I’ll be in my trailer.
Is that an invitation? Are you a groupie now?
That’s so hot.
three-way! three-way! three-way!
Why limit ourselves? We don’t want to appear cliquey!
Blogosphere-way! Blogosphere-way!
(or just the three of us, I don’t mind ladies… xxx)