February 14, 2005

Kranki Talks Valentines Day

Thank God we have Krankiboy as a contributor, eh? If it were up to Patrick and I, Valentines Day would slip by unmentioned - or so it would seem! So brace yourself for the Krankster’s delightful and uniquely American ramblings. We heart Kranki… we heart him to bits!

Happy Anything But Valentines Day
Valentines Day is a horrible idea for a holiday. I’ve seen it drive perfectly calm and contented people to temporary insanity and depression. I’ve been one of those people. I know what it’s like to feel like a leper if you don’t happen to be romantically involved with anyone so you stay hope like the unlovable freak you must be, or you get all dressed/tarted up and go to a singles mixer. You’re missing out on a National Holiday so you must be a loser. My wife and I don’t celebrate the holiday. Well, it happens to be our dogs birthday so I guess we lavish them with a bit of extra attention in appreciation that they exist.

Valentines is a day on which people are supposed to lavish gifts on their sweetie, send somebody flowers, chocolates, take them to a romantic dinner, buy them lingerie and then have some kind of sexy using some fruit-scented lubricant. Did I leave anything out. Oh yes, the cards. I went into a drug store to buy some ginger ale for my poor sis-n-law Kylie. She drank a bit more than the Surgeon General recommends and she paid the price. On my way into the store this girl hands asks me if I want a coupon so if I buy three cards I get one free. If Valentines Day were a holiday I would challenge it to a duel prepare to count ten paces, whip around after two paces and shoot it the back dead.

Who is this holiday for? People already in relationships don’t need this holiday. They already have anniversaries and birthdays which are at least a bit more personal. And those that have just fallen into a love, lust or fuck buddy relationship are way to busy peeling their clothes off and getting sweaty to stop and smell some flowers or eat some chocolate.

Valentines Day makes perfectly nice and lovely people who happen to be single feel shitty about themselves simply because they don’t have a significant other that day. Kind of like how Father’s Day sucks for me and my daddy-less ass. But one day I’ll be on the receiving end of ugly ties, slippers, World’s Greatest Dad Mugs and hopefully some really shitty homemade ash trays from art class.

I have some alternative ideas for more practical things we could do on this day.

1) We could have Sadie Hawkins Day where the girls all ask the guys out. It’s absurd to think that the guy has any control over the asking out process, so let’s stop pretending he does and let the girls/women choose.

2) We could celebrate National Buy a New Toothbrush Because You’ve Had That Old One For Like A Year And A Half Now And That’s Just Nasty Day.

3) Venereal Disease Awareness Day. 1 in 4 people have herpes. Christ. That must suck. Sorry to 25% of you reading this blog. And apologies to the 90% of those 25% who got the herpes from me. My bad.

4) Don’t drive like an fucking asshole day. This would be in stark contrast to every Sunday in my neighborhood. Where the old ladies and Hasidic Jewish guys like to show off either a) their ability to drive 20 miles slower than the actual speed limit with their left blinker on or b) Erratically change lanes to indicate that they are prepared to die in the name of reckless driving. I’m not saying all old ladies and Hasidic men are bad drivers. Just the ones in my neighborhood.

5) Teacher Appreciation Day. Don’t worry teachers will somehow take time out from counting their vast piles of money for a bit of recognition.

6) Massage Day. Go out and get a nice rub down from some tall Swede or get a little Thai woman to bend you into impossible positions. How these 5 feet tall women have the strength of ten men is a mystery.

7) Leave a cool book that you’ve just finished lying around where somebody can find it and enjoy it. How cool would it be to see books all over the place for you to choose from.

8) Give a Compliment Day. Everybody you interact with in any way you need to find something nice to say about them. “What a beautiful blouse.” “You have such nice posture.” “You bagged those groceries with flair.” “Your tongue stud felt great against my balls.” It doesn’t cost a thing, and everybody loves a compliment.

What’s the strangest compliment you’re ever been given? I was once told that I have the small, soft and understanding hands of a lipstick lesbian.

The strangest compliment I ever overheard (and sadly it really was intended as a compliment) was at a cross walk in Georgia. Black woman holding her cute baby waiting for a green light. Old southern man also waiting at the corner turns to her and says “Ma’am may I say you have got yourself one adorable little Nigglet.”

- Krankiboy

Posted by Jess at February 14, 2005 10:25 PM
— Filed under Common

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