February 04, 2005
Things We Do Not Approve Of…
Alan Jones’ Listeners!
Sorry Dutch, I know you heart The Parrot and want to make the mansex with him, but he really is a repellent little baldyman. But he gets paid to be an arse day in and day out, so I sort of understand why he continues being utterly noisome. However, his listeners - especially the breed that love calling in to verbally fellate him on air - don’t have the same excuse.
I’m not one to watch or listen to something I hate simply so I can whinge about it later. But sometimes Alan Jones’ show is unavoidable - namely when you catch a taxi to work. I don’t know what it is about cabbies but they really love the talk back, don’t they?
I’m digressing quite badly. Anyway, as I was on the way to work this morning, Alan was receiving calls from his listeners about various topics - and one lovely bloke rang up with the following doozy of a comment. From memory, it was something along the lines of…
Superb! What an intelligent comment! He looks like that dirty towelhead Osama, so HE NOW WORSHIPS BIN LADEN AND IS PLANNING ON STEALING AN AIRCRAFT TO CRASH INTO THE OPERA HOUSE AS WE SPEAK! THE BEARD, ALAN! THE BEARD! ETC!
Ridiculous Baby Names On TV Shows!
While it’s not quite the gut-bustlingly awful Aleesha Beyonce Miller, we simply cannot approve of the name given to Lindsay, Mel and Michael’s new baby on Queer As Folk. Jenny Rebecca? Jenny Rebecca is not a name! It is ridiculous! Jennifer Rebecca if you must (though it’s a little too poly-syllabic than I’d like), but Jenny Rebecca? I refuse to believe that’s a legitimate name. Apologies to any Jenny Rebecca’s reading.
“Kyle Sandilands Is The New Dicko” Talk!
Quite frankly, this is one of the more disturbing and unnecessary things I’ve ever read. Kyle Sandilands will NEVER be “the new Dicko”, not even if he does - God forbid - land the Australian Idol judging job. Dicko is often amusing and witty. Dicko is somewhat appealing to the ladies (and oddly, teenage girls). Dicko is likable even when he’s being a bit stroppy and daft. In short, ex-Australian Idol host Dicko is the antithesis of Kyle Sandilands and to suggest otherwise is astoundingly insulting to both Sir Ian Dickson and every decent Australia who wants to boot Kyle Sandilands up the arse.
Just because you’ve gone and Queer Eye-d yourself, Sandilands, don’t think it’ll make us forget what an annoying, condescending flap-rash you are.
Green Day’s New Deep Side!
American Idiot, I quite liked. It was political but bouncy. But seriously, Boulevard Of Broken Dreams is whiney schoolboy dross. Yes, we get it, you’re intense and stuff. Respect. But can we go back to the bouncing now? Hitchin’ A Ride style, perhaps?
Thirsty Merc Being Triple M’s Flavour Of The Month!
I wouldn’t normally listen to Triple M, honest. Not cause I’m a twat who only listens to JJJ in order to look hip, but simply because its DJs (after Kyle & Jackie O on 2Day FM) epitomise everything I loathe about the Austereo network. You’ve heard THAT whinge before though. However, despite my distaste for the station, my office colleagues have decided that it’ll be our Work Place Compromise Station Of Choice. And you know what I’ve noticed? They play Thirsty Merc at least ONCE A FUCKING HOUR!
However, this repeat listening thing has some benefits (if you could call it that) - I’ve managed to hear Someday Someday so often, I could probably write a five page long critique of the song. I won’t relay it all here, so here it is in short - once again, what is with the spoken word verses, eh? Seriously, I’m sure Rai could handle his way around a melody if he tried. There’s one redeeming bit in the song which confirms that for me - the part in the chorus where it goes “I will be the one, babe”. I love that stepping note thing. It almost makes me forgive the tune for being so infuriatingly soaked into my subconscious thanks to Triple M’s constant airplay that I couldn’t sleep Wednesday night due the dreadful spoken verse running through my head on loop.
In Other News
Yes, we’re doing an X Factor blog. May God have mercy on our souls. You can check it out in its half-finished format by clicking here. Let’s try and get through the pain together, eh?
— Filed under Common
Comments / Trackbacks (URI)
You do know that you’re allowed to change the station when you’re in a taxi, don’t you?
Reply to this
duh noooo i duuuuuuunt know dat cos i’m stoooopid
(dribbles on keyboard)
Yes, Pauly, I am aware of that :)
However, I often try to be nice and polite to cabbies and let them listen to what they like. Plus, sometimes dipping a toe into the idiot-pool can be vaguely thrilling. Or at the very least, give me material to blog about.
Reply to this
Don’t lie. You’re just saying that to pretend that you knew. I’m onto you missy. Send me the mixed CD and all will be forgotten.
Reply to this
heh - if Jess had control over what she listened to, half the snark’d be gone and I’d have to go back to forming my own opinions.
Reply to this
Jess does not “snark”, thank you. “Snarking” is for lower forms of blog.
Reply to this
In the same post, you write
“I’m not one to watch or listen to something I hate simply so I can whinge about it later”
and
“Yes, we’re doing an X Factor blog. May God have mercy on our souls. You can check it out in its half-finished format by clicking here. Let’s try and get through the pain together, eh?”
A little contradictory? Or was the first statement intended to be sarcastic?
Reply to this
Yes and no, I suppose. I see where you’re coming from but allow me to explain a little further.
I think the thing is, I fear The X Factor will be crap, but I would prefer it to be good because I genuinely enjoy indulging in pop-culturey stuff like trashy telly and discussing it with everyone. I don’t hanker for it to be bad simply so I can be really dismissive and horrible about it. Cutting comments and cruel taunts are easy - there’s no challenge in writing them. Trying to be funny while still trying to take it easy on someone, that’s a challenge. ausculture.com isn’t about being complete cuntfaces in order to gain attention. That said, if somethings shit and we’re talking about it, I’ll express an opinion.
So while I did the tongue in cheek “God have mercy on us” etc spiel in X Factor, if it turns out to be funny and great and pointless and wonderful to watch, I’ll be the first person to say it. I don’t want to hate it, I just fear I will.
This is opposed to deliberately going out of my way to find negative things about stuff so I can write mean and catty posts because nothing is cool enough for me to actually like.
And before anyone brings it up, the infamous Slinkee Minx post was actually meant to be quite light hearted and full of mock-indignation (even though I DONT like the remix) and I wouldn’t wish harm on any of the band members (siblings and DJs who defend the song vigorously are another story). And while I’d rather jam giant dildos in my ears than listen to Cosima DeVito, I don’t have much against her personally despite a few irreverent comments now and then.
As I said in the last Idol II blog post, people who develop genuine issues and feelings of hate over folk on the telly kinda need to sort themselves out or lighten up a bit.
(That said, Kyle Sandilands is still a cunt, Jackie O is still a vapid and pointless member of the world of radio, and Alan Jones fans are complete arsewipes.)
Reply to this
Good fucking God!
I can be a right sanctimonious, self-righteous little cow at times!
(slaps self about the head)
Reply to this
“flap-rash”
Gold.
I’ve really gotta start keeping a list of all these new swears. (New to me at least.)
Reply to this
Glad you liked it!
I was going to go with the traditional “cuntrash” but then I thought - I want something DIFFERENT and something the kids can say without being immediately chastised when their parents are in listening distance. Isolating a section of the female genitalia and directing the rash there seemed a natural progression.
Next up - Vulvface! Moot-wart!
Or not!
Reply to this
When we get to ‘g-spot features’ I’m outta here…
Reply to this
There were many questions that you were asking me yesterday about this bloke Habib.
We’ve had a gutful of the whole thing, I know.
But the first one was, was he on a disability pension.
We contacted the office of Centrelink and everything associated with the office.
They were completely unhelpful, which I suppose you can understand.
They would cite privacy matters.
We were told that no one, not even the Minister, would be able to confirm whether Habib was on a disability pension because of confidentiality clauses.
All they could supply us with were the standard eligibility qualifications and the current 2005 rates.
We also asked if we could find out the nature of his disability and that was knocked on the head as well.
But you can get a disability support pension if you have an illness, injury or disability and you’re aged 16 or over, assessed as not being able to work full time, be permanently blind, and you must have lived in Australia for ten years as an Australian resident, or your disability should have occurred while you were an Australian resident.
So you’re supposed to provide a report from your doctor on your impairment.
So I don’t know if the bloke is on a disability pension, and nor do I know how he would qualify.
But he obviously wasn’t too disabled, he got himself to Pakistan, Afghanistan and everywhere else.
And I don’t now how, as many of you were asking, a family affords to make four trips to Afghanistan and Pakistan in a matter of a few years.
Another listener has written to tell me that this fellow Brown from the Greens movement got access for Mr Habib’s wife and son to be at the Federal Parliament when President Bush was in Australia.
They were removed from the Parliament for outbursts.
And another writer told me that Mrs Habib has publicly stated that she hated this country and our PM.
Then there’s the business about Habib’s son who allegedly was involved in an abduction of a woman who was bound with tape and had her head shaved, according to evidence to a Sydney court on the weekend of 22 November 2003.
This was the 18 year old son Ahmed Mamdouh Habib.
He’s the eldest son, and was charged in connection, the report said, to an alleged assault at Bankstown earlier that month.
It then reported that the 18 year old victim’s twin brother, Islam Hassam and a 15 year old youth who couldn’t be named, also faced court.
The woman was believed to be a Habib family relative.
The report said she was dragged out of a car parked outside Bankstown TAFE just after midnight on November 5, 2003.
The youth allegedly held the victim while Hassam wrapped masking tape around her mouth and head.
It was reported that the youth tied electrical wire around the woman’s wrists before he attempted to put her in the boot of a car.
Habib allegedly intervened and the victim was placed in the back of the car and taken to a garage at her former Greenacre home.
The youth, which is the 15 year old and Hassam cut her waist-length hair to her neck and shaved her head with electrical clippers, according to police.
She was released after a two hour ordeal.
The woman moved out of the family home last year after a domestic dispute.
And at the time Habib and Hassam, Habib’s the son of the alleged terrorist and the Hassam is the twin brother of the victim, were remanded on bail to Burwood Local Court.
Where that’s gone I don’t know.
And another listener pointed out to me Keysar Trad and his comments on this, of the Lebanese Muslim Association.
He said Mr Habib had every right to enjoy time at the beach with his wife and friends, which is most probably true.
But that his release proves his innocence, and he’s got every right to do things any other Australian citizen is entitled to do.
And he called on people to be understanding of Habib’s situation and give him the privacy he needed to heal.
Not one word about whether or not he did ring his wife just before the September 11 terror attacks to warn her of a looming big event in the United States.
While we’re being called upon to respect his privacy, not a word about the man who in 1993 supported the bloke who was imprisoned for his role in the bombing of the World Trade Centre.
Not a word about the fact that in the 1990s he was known in Sydney’s Muslim community as a recruiter for the Jihad holy war movement in Chechnya and elsewhere.
Not a word as to how or why he visited Afghanistan in 2002 and not a word about the ABC Television’s Four Corners program where intelligence officials said they believed Habib had trained with Al-Qaeda affiliated terrorist groups while in Afghanistan.
The bloke’s played Jihad.
Keysar Trad says “I’m confident the majority of my fellow Australians will respect his need for privacy and look at his time at the beach as part of his recuperation. He’s faced a lot of trauma and other experiences and he’s entitled to heal and enjoy himself.”
It seems that more than Mr Habib are in denial.
Reply to this
Well, that was a thoroughly bowel-cleansing read. We poor Melbourne folk are usually denied your delightful thoughts, Alan. Where do we find your transcripts? 2GB site, I guess. And do they include the talkback callers? I guess I’ll find out.
Reply to this
Looks like somebody has been googling theirself.
Reply to this
What’s Ausculture’s stance on the new series of ‘My Restaurant Rules’?
Dicko as host?
The contestants (mother & son in Perth, family in Adelaide, glamour couple in Sydney, Arty farty in Brisbane and Bill&Ben in Melb)?
Has it started? Christ, I’m behind the times.
I wasn’t happy he left Channel Ten, especially when Channel Seven is renown for being bungtacular. And as Housemate Steve pointed out, making the switch didn’t exactly work for Tony Squires.
I can see why he did, and the third series of Idol could well be the telly equivelent of whipping a dead horse, judging by Casey’s sales - but still. My Restuarant Rules did nothing for me last year, so Dicko would have to be pretty hilarious. Whens it on again?
Thursdays 7.30pm.
First episode last night was interesting - I think Dicko could be a good ‘moderator’, particularly not being somebody from the food industry. He seemed to cut Patrick down after a few ‘out of line’ remarks!! The bitchfights could be interesting!