January 13, 2005
Underrated Awful Movies In History!
Eventually we’ll champion another awfully superb tune (Feargal I tell you!) but for now, ausculture.com would like to introduce you to a hideously-crap-to-the-point-of-being-incredibly-wonderful movie called The Monster.
Here’s why you should enjoy it in a shithouse sort of way!
- The movie has several tantalising alternative names including The Devil within Her, I Don’t Want to Be Born, The Baby, and It’s Growing inside Her. B-Grade moniker madness!
- Joan Collins plays a new mother who realises her baby isn’t quite right!
- Which wasn’t hard to figure out, considering the first thing it did upon exiting the womb was punch her and give her a blood nose!
- But who will believe her? Perhaps her husband of nine months, a faux Italian called Gino?
- No!
- But what about Johnny, her old manager and ex lover from her days as an exotic dancer?
- No!
- How about faux Italian Gino’s sister, an intense and cluey nun called Sister Albana who inexplicably has a German accent and an interest in exorcism?
- Yes!
- But what IS wrong with the baby?
- Clue: it may be related to a disgruntled dancing dwarf called Hercules who cursed Joan Collins after she let him get to second base - but no further
Final Verdict
If the above hasn’t managed to pique your interest, we should also tell you it contains a delicious gratuitous sex scene or two, a fantastic soundtrack (you can always tell when someone’s going to die when the creepy-but-groovy guitar effects kick in!), possibly the worst special effects in cinema history (marvel at the possessed baby’s ability to wield a noose AND shovel! Experience the violent-yet-thrilling action of a baby flying around a room during an exorcism!) and a performance from Joan Collins which is beyond fantastic (“Gino? GINO!”, “Johnny? JOHNNY!”, “You can’t kill me, I’m your mummy!” etc). It’s clear that this movie is a must see. Three thumbs up.
— Filed under Common
Comments / Trackbacks (URI)
You should really check out this movie for bad baby/monster usage. 666: The Demon Child (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0423793). I found it as a VCD in a local shop here in PNG.
Here is the write-up on the back:
“Five archaeology students discover an unusual egg, which hatches releasing a demon child into the world. The creature attacks the students who try and discover its origins. This leads them to a hidden temple, the sacred tomb of the giants and millions more eggs…”
No doubt the quality will be as bad as the content. As these VCD’s are those pirated sort, made with the video camera at the back of the cinema. My only concern is what cinema would actually show this tosh.
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My pick would have to be Blades (not Blade). It’s about a killer lawnmower that stalks teens on a golf course and chops them up. “Just when you thought it was safe to putt!” It was so bad that I bought it.
And I’d recommend this too.
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What? No HTML tags anymore? Bah!
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0311361/
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You know what Joan Collins does nowadays, apart from those moments when she isn’t still actressing? She writes the occasional Diary column for British Tory rag The Spectator (spectator.co.uk), bemoaning the decline of the English countryside and the Glorious British Class system (TM).
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Ahh, we’ll let that go because she gets her mid-thirties baps out in The Monster. Plus she married a thirty year old and I respect that in a 60+ year old gal.
Maybe she’s being satirical? You know, like Boltie, Tim Blair, & The Liberals?
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Last year I subscribed to the Speccie. It’s great. Where else would you find Conservative writers who come out with this sort of stuff…
“Yesterday, I was chatting to some old school friends, and one of them said, ‘You know, Delingpole, you were the one to teach us about wanking. Now that is the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me…”
I really started regretting cancelling my subscription when the saga of Bonking Boris Johnson, and his on-again-off-again lady-love Petrushka Wyatt - both writers for the Spectator - became public. What all this has to do with Joan Collins thirty-year old baps is anyones guess…
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If you like that you’d like the Children of the Corn movies… same sort of terrible c-grade horror, but one of them (I think it’s #3) has Xander from Buffy in it as one of the psycho children!
The Children of the Corn movies were cinematic masterpieces. By the way I nominate Rocky Horror Picture Show. That’s my all time favourite shit movie. It is so cheesy and shit that it’s quite good.
Pauly, the Rocky Horror Picture Show is a MASTERPIECE even in a non-ironic way!
As is the Clue (ie Cluedo) movie with Tim Curry, FYI (back me up, Hayley?)
It is probably the best movie ever in the way it is good and shit at the same time. Tim Curry is brilliant but the others can’t act for shit. Did you notice on my list of 20 songs the theme song to Rocky Horror Picture Show was there?
Clue is a fantastic film. My favourite bits are: (1.) when Mrs White (Madeline Kahn, RIP) admits to killing Yvette; (2.) when they sing Happy Birthday.
Indeed it is!
Da da da da da da… I am your singing telegram!
BANG!
Anything with Tim Curry in it is brilliant… in a trashy, cheesy sort of way. I think he’s in a Monthy Python broadway show at the moment.
“I hated her… so much… flames…flames… from the side of my face… burning flames…”
I am SO going to rent that this weekend.
And I’m going to steal the copy from my parents place! Weekend SORTED!
Our enthusiasm for this movie has inadvertently revealed our lonely teen years, methinks…
Not so much that film… I think the Dark Crystal and all that stemmed from THAT reveals the true extent of our lonely teenage years….
Yesss! No-one noticed, or at least no-one commented on, the fact that I referred to Happy Birthday when I should have put “For S/He’s A Jolly Good Fellow”. I’d have been so humiliated . . .