December 09, 2004
Listen To The Radio…
and you will hear the twats you know…
Enough of my startling wit (see, I changed the word ‘songs’ to ‘twats’ - it fits in with the Robbie Williams song ‘Radio’ but also makes a point and… oh, never mind…) and on with the random thoughts regarding Sydney radio.
The Australian Family Association appear to have gotten it right! It’s not often I agree with them, it’s true, but today they won my heart when the AFA’s spokesman Damien Tudehope described the content of the Kylie and Jackie O Show as “very ordinary”. Well, in fairness he directed the following comments at commercial radio as a whole, but we’ll take what we can.
Mercifully, I don’t listen to much commercial radio. Not because I’m artistic and pretentious - which I am, don’t get me wrong - it’s just I don’t own a radio and listen only to my humble Minidisc mixes while I take public transport to and from work. On the rare occasions I have heard Kyle and Jackie O, I must declare I was shocked and appalled. Not because they’re so edgy and hard core, but because they’re so rubbish it’s completely unfathomable to me that someone heard them and thought “Yes, that’s the team we need! Let’s get them on in the afternoons! And give them next year’s breakfast show!”
Here’s a vivid Kyle & Jackie O memory of mine. There I was, innocently sitting on a bus and playing with my new fandangled mobile phone’s radio feature (which I subsequently broke, incidentally) when I stumbled across their show. Kyle had Jackie reliving popping her cherry on a park bench or something - how risque! - and when she was done, pointed out her mother was on the phone, listening to every word! Hahaha the comedy! My side! Doctor, stitch it, stat! Oddly, Mrs O didn’t actually seemed all that surprised. I imagine Jackie O talks about her sex life a fair bit considering she doesn’t seem to have much else to offer conversation-wise, and poor old Mrs O has probably had a gutful and blocks most of it out now. So would I, if my daughter married someone like Ugly Phil O’Neill - no one wants to imagine that bedroom situation.
So where was I in this daft rant? Ahh yes. So someone at Austereo has thought to themselves “Hmmm, this dynamic duo seems to encapsulate all the things that make the half-intelligent members of society loathe Austereo - let’s give ‘em a breakfast show!”
My God, my God - why have you abandoned me radio listeners?
Of course, there are alternatives for breakfast radio. Perhaps you could indulge in some Merrick & Rosso? That is, if you don’t mind your brekkie radio hosts being a dash self-indulgent… Don’t worry if you miss anything, it’ll all be replayed at some point or another. It’s like they never take holidays!
The above makes it sound as though I dislike Merrick and Rosso, which I totally don’t. It’s just… well, you know. Add to that the yawn-fest that is Merrick and Rosso Unplanned on Channel 9, where Merrick & Rosso sit back and enjoy being fellated by an adoring crowd, and you start to get disheartened. The two are undeniably funny boys, but perhaps we could have… maybe… just a tad less talk, and a tad more music. Perhaps. Maybe.
Actually, that complaint isn’t just directed at the Nova breakfast team. Here’s an astounding concept, FM peeps - perhaps brekkie radio doesn’t require two and a half hours of non-stop DJ babble and half an hour of actual music. No wait, twenty minutes of actual music and ten minutes of ads. If I’m being generous.
It’s probably not a new thing, but whenever I surf radio stations in friend’s cars, I’m struck by the fact that radio DJ’s seem to have an inflated sense of their own importance. If I wanted to hear talk radio, I’d flick to AM! Why must I hear what some idiot’s fat child said when they went to the shops? Is it essential for me to know about some ugly would-be rock pig’s sex life? And why oh why am I forced to listen to Token Female DJ On The Team’s inane giggling? If I wanted to enjoy a sister-girlfriend going all doe-eyed and helpless in adoration of superior menfolk, I’d head to my local leagues club and watch Bacardi Breezer supping, peroxide-loving nineteen year olds in miniskirts laughing at a footy players terrible jokes while rubbing their thick powerful thighs provocatively.
Don’t get me started on their tendency to avoid back-announcing songs (or even front-announcing) in favour of jumping straight back into the dull tale of their weekend which they already spent fifteen minutes dwelling on before the tune was played.
Give me music with a sprinkle of witty banter in between, and I’ll die happy. Honest.
In any case, it appears the Great Big Hope for breakfast radio next year could well be Jay & The Doctor on Triple J.
I might even buy a portable radio for the occasion, you never know.
End stupid rant.
Posted by Jess at December 9, 2004 12:52 PM— Filed under Common
Comments / Trackbacks (URI)
Erm, I want to add that I’m not really irate and disagreeable, nor do I hate everything. Or think that I’m too cool for everything. I leave that stuff to other sites who are far more experienced at it.
I just felt like ranting a little about radio. You know - you start writing an innocent comment to a news.com.au article and the next thing you know, it’s a fully fledged bitter whinge fest!
I will be back to positive-mode tomorrow, I’m sure of it. And will endeavour to do Accidentally Kelly Street before the weekend is through.
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I like Kyle and JackieO because I used to always win things when the Top 30 Countdown was on.
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Well, Richard Mercer played my love song dedication when I was a crush-stricken twelve year old, but that doesn’t mean I think the show - or Richard himself - is any less bung!
And I won trading cards from Michael Jackson circa a Pepsi comp in 1991 but that doesn’t mean he’s any less creepy and weird and fucked up :)
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Well said, but maybe you can come up with 10 reasons why JJJ isn’t a commercial station - album of the week, playlists, the thankfully-gone idiotic braying of Wil SAnderson, - I mean, really.
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Whoa - never said JJJ wasn’t a commercial station or far better than the rest - just said that Jay & The Doctor were my great hopes for next year’s breakfast radio :)
Wil - I remember when they did that take the piss “Triple J Goes Commercial” day and Wil made a joke about being the Token Giggling Female and I chuckled in a comradely fashion but afterwards I couldn’t get it out of my head - Wil DID inanely giggle constantly like most FM Token Females on brekkie crews!
That said, I have gone back to prefering Triple J because in general, it plays more music. I think. Though my Minidisc has no talk back and I know the play list floats my boat so I may stick with that for now…
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The worst offenders can really be found on Triple M. Particularly the afternoon Shebang with Fifi Box and Byron Cook and some other guy. These guys are as fun as having your teeth pulled all at once. If you are going to put someone on the radio who loves the sound of their own voice make sure they are entertaining.
Note to Fifi: listening to your latest shag story doesn’t make for good radio.
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"Shock" Jocks
Right now, this sister-girlfriend is going all doe-eyed and helpless in adoration of this superior post.
You have touched a spot close to my heart. Gold. Bravo.
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There’s nothing like touching doe-eyed and helpless women, that’s what I always say! GRRR!
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i think i might make the switch to Angela Catterns next year….
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i heart(ed) you, Helen and Mikey
it is my completely unvarifiable opinion, that there has been nothing funnier on Oz radio then Helen Razer and Mikey Robbins on JJJ about a thousand years ago. we used to crack eachother up about it in roll call every morning - THAT’s how long ago it was. though, Paul McDermott was hella funny also. and hot.
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Fuck yes. Razer and Robins were it.
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Robbins is, and always has been, an A-Grade fuckwit.
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Um...what?
Excuse me, Jess: did you say you DON’T OWN A RADIO?! I didn’t know it was possible to not own a radio. Hey, heard the latest Dame Nellie cylinder? The Cat’s PJs!
You guys need a 2RRR and a 2PBS. Seriously. Why don’t you have stations like that in Sydney?
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Well, I’m not Amish so I obviously DO own a radio. But not a radio walkman, and I do most of my listening on public transport - hence constant mini-disc work. When I get home, I don’t listen to the radio and The Man’s car is devoid of a radio so don’t get to hear it driving either.
So really, I AM a little Amish, I suppose. In a driving, computer using minidisc loving way.
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dur.
uh…yeah…sorry, I misread…
I’ve done my duty and mentioned Collette on my blog but I can’t comment on the relevant website (something to do with my ISP address being poxy or something). How will they ever know???
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“Why must I hear what some idiot’s fat child said when they went to the shops? Is it essential for me to know about some ugly would-be rock pig’s sex life? And why oh why am I forced to listen to Token Female DJ On The Team’s inane giggling?”
You just summed it up in those three sentences. Brilliant.
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Why thank you, m’dear - although I think I sound a little too surly for my liking, perhaps surly is good for me? Or not…
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Jess, I hate to sound like a pretentious prat by saying, or indeed, an overegotistical one, but you really should listen to 1. my indian music show, and if you can’t stomach the thick ethnic beats, then have a crack at Supermercado Adam and mines’ six hour shagfests known as Sunday Bloody Sunday. .rm downloads are available from www.crownofdaisies.org/agent. I swear, we hate commercial shite as much as you do. It might be refreshing for you.
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Jess … now is your chance to embrace the parrot!
Gloria indeed …
www.timholland.com
I promise you, even listening to a looped tape of the Kyle & Jackie O show couldn’t convince me to listen to Alan Jones! Though you never know…