December 08, 2004
ausculture.com’s Theory of Jolievity
aka Why Every Woman Wants To Make The Sex With Angelina Jolie
Right - at the request of Ms Elmo, you are about to hear ausculture.com’s rather obvious Theory of Jolievity, which should help explain why so many “straight” women still want to dive head first between the thighs of the saucy Angelina Jolie. We don’t claim this is particularly insightful though, so don’t get your hopes up! Of course, if you’ve ever watched an Angelina Jolie movie with me\been on the turps with me\went to high school with me\passed by me in the street, you will probably have heard this theory - repeatedly - and feel thoroughly bored of it. Bear with me.
Angelina Jolie is a blatantly attractive looking woman. Lush ruby-red lips, lithe figure, wondrous eyes and boozies to die for. She is, in a word, beautiful. Heterosexual men and lesbians are quite justified in lusting after her - she is a fine representation of her gender. But what about the straight ladies, eh? Yeah, she’s beautiful - but plenty of beautiful women exist in the showbiz world and not all of them have the Straight Girl Lust Factor, do they?
The average straight woman’s attraction and fascination with Angelina Jolie, like many things related to female sexual desire, is triggered not so much by physical appearance but rather mental excitement. Angelina’s reputation of being a slightly disturbed kinky young thing has drawn gals towards her rather than frighten them away.
It’s quite simple really. For your average “straight” girl, nothing is more dangerous, frightening, exciting and out of character than an overnight stay on the Isle of Lesbos. And which female Hollywood celebrity would best personify those emotions? Why, our dear object of affection Ms Jolie! While some may find her knife-wielding, sex crazy, bicurious behaviour affronting and intimidating, it is exactly these personality traits which sparks lusty interest from “straight” women.
Hell, if you’re going to be naughty and indulge in something so forbidden yet intriguing as the love that dare not speak it’s name, why not go the whole hog and find yourself someone who has embraced her fluid sexuality openly and has helped redefine Hollywood’s concept of the until recent times unheard of world of feminine desire?
And really, this isn’t all that revolutionary an idea. Women have always had an affinity for the “bad boy” - and not just because of a primal desire to nurture a troubled man back to the side of good. Sometimes it takes a bad boy to show you a good time, you see? The same works in reverse - traditionally men have always sown their wild oats with the bad (and experienced!) hussy and settled down with the good, innocent type. In this age of increasing acceptance of same-sex relationships (and ‘experimental flings’), it’s no surprise that good girls want to play with someone they view as a ‘bad girl’, and no doubt the same sort of thing is applicable for men.
In summation - why do the “straight” ladies want to bed Angelina so much? Because she straddles the fine line between straight and gay, and personifies living on the edge - which is exactly what most “straight” gals think they’ll be doing should they break their personal boundaries and explore girl-on-girl luuurve.
Oh - and did we mention she’s hot?
PS: I’m not trying to be all womyn and herstory and stuff by writing “straight” constantly. It’s just that, well… I personally don’t believe sexuality is black and white - there’s so much grey area in between it’s not funny - and let’s face it, if you are a girl and have sex with a woman, you’re not 100% unflinchingly heterosexual, are you? You could identify as heterosexual, you might be 99% totally into willies, but at some level there’s at least a dash of interest in ladies otherwise you wouldn’t be sexing ‘em, would you?
PPS: I don’t expect much of what I wrote above made any sense. But hey - if you disagree, agree or have a completely different Theory of Jolievity of your own, ‘fess up in the comments and enlighten us all. I talk rubbish most of the time, so no doubt you’d be far more perspicacious.
Posted by Jess at December 8, 2004 03:39 PM— Filed under Common
Comments / Trackbacks (URI)
Fame Part Two
Posh and Becks feature in a nativity scene at Madame Tussaud's. Photo: Reuters. Continuing my musings on fame and its contemporary cultural significance, what's going on when our Nic is named UN Citizen of the World alongside Hans Blix...
greatest time-wasting excersises
ok then. del.ic.ious sounds great, but is just to complex for me to figure out. so here's some more links to the good crap. - you like my favicon, chickens? oh, what's that i hear you say? the little icon...
Fame Part Two
Posh and Becks feature in a nativity scene at Madame Tussaud's. Photo: Reuters. Continuing my musings on fame and its contemporary cultural significance, what's going on when our Nic is named UN Citizen of the World alongside Hans Blix...
You know, I’m not really fussed.
She seems all gingerbread and candy canes to me.
Reply to this
Angelina Jolie is a blatantly attractive looking woman.
Nup. Disagree. Not much chop at all.
Reply to this
She’s got so much attraction I reckon she could get a gay guy to fuck her.
Reply to this
Angie
Yeah Jess, I think you have it in one there. What’s not to love about her?
and paulyt: I think you’re onto something there.
If the gal can turn straight chicks, she can probably turn the odd gay guy as well !! Good call.
Reply to this
oh LOOK.
of course we all want to SEX HER!
but i still think her box’o cadbury roses approach to baby-shopping (“i’ll have one of those, um and one of those and - are they any good, maybe i can have one of them too!”)is pretty offensive to the babies, and to the families of the babies who - chances are - would be lucky if they managed to scam a copy of Who Weekly to see what hairstyle their child / nephew / grandchild / cousin is wearing that week.
i know that at least she shows some interest (and aid money) in her adopted child’s culture, but it does seem that she’s more interested in “souveniring” third world children (as a fun reminder of that exotic holiday) rather showing any broader committment to addressing the poverty and disadvantage which force third world families to relinquish their children.
Reply to this
I agree with your sentiments, I do - but let’s remember she’s only adopted one baby - a Cambodian child who she appears (as far as we can know, not knowing her personally) to love very deeply and she makes a concerted effort to ensure he is raised with a knowledge and love of his Cambodian culture. While the dodgy circumstances surrounding the adoption agency are admittedly worrying, I think it’s safe to say that Angelina Jolie & any other parents who adopted children via the agency did so in good faith and without any desire to “buy” babies, black-market styles.
IF she shops around for a Russian baby and buys a blue eyed-blonde haired Slavic prince - and then adds an Indian, an African and a Latino to the brood, we’d certainly have room to wonder. But as it is, she’s made a broad comment on wanting a “rainbow” of children (ie - a wish to adopt disadvantaged kids from all over the world) but many people make generalised comments like that.
She hasn’t quite done it yet, and while the hack piece in the Telegraph tried it’s best to make her sound like a self-obsessed spoilt foot-stomping whim indulger regarding kiddies, the journalist who wrote it is hardly reputable and I suspect that the information in the article should be taken as tabloid beat up rather than actual fact until Angelina Jolie grabs herself a few more kiddies for the collection.
When she does that, I will probably worry a little for her and the kids, although frankly she’d still be a bit of a lust-bunny in my eyes.
Reply to this
oi! she works for the UN you know!
isn’t angie some special celebrity emmisary to the united nations? i’m sure i saw some photos of her touring a war-torn land on a range rover. and as we’ve all learned from Bono, it’s celebrities and rock stars who are going to get things done for the third world. really. i mean it. good one, bon-bon, l love you. still.
Reply to this
That’s the second post on Ms. Jolie in a row. I’m really enjoying this. Could you do many more in the same vein, please, not forgetting to include a wealth of photographic material?
I must stress that last point quite firmly: we need to see MORE PHOTOGRAPHS of our Angelina. In (or out) of as many outfits as possible.
Reply to this
You’re [as usual] on the money, Jess - I remember Premiere magazine asking celebrities who they’d ‘cross the fence’ for and Alyson Hannigan from Buffy described Angelina Jolie as a ‘no-brainer’… we all just heart the Jolmeister so muchos!
Have seen the fruit of her work for UNICEF in action O.S. and it is truly impressive - much less token than most celebrity efforts and genuinely respected by U.N. staff, who all refer to her as ‘Angie,’ which is rather adorable.
Reply to this
angelina dreams
Last night I was hanging out in my house where they just happened to be filming some movie. I, totally unphased by this, was wandering to the bathroom in a pair of scrubs and a tshirt saying Rent Me when this little Cambodian spikeball of mischief comes cannoning around the corner into me, falls over and starts laughing. Followed by his gorgeous pouty lipped goddess of a mother. Weird, i thought, i feel like i have met you somewhere before. So, I hand the little tyke over, she smiles and asks Mad if I can join their game. So we play, he gets tired and goes to bed and well, that leaves us with nothing to do but make the hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot sex. It was hot. And then she decided I was really good with Maddox, cute and brilliant in bed and we should totally move in together. It was so much more slushy than that. Nobody woke me up before the end of my dream and for that I LOVE THE WORLD. And have spent the whole of today with a case of raging needsexNOWness. Everything makes me want her.
Reply to this
gayness
oh yeah - and about the gay scale thing? I am into women. but like most straight women who are into guys but would kiss and maybe experiment with girls, i would not rule out guys. does that make me straight but in denial? my mother would like to think so. just need to meet the right man.
Reply to this
Wow. I stumbled upon this site and I must say, I’m a fan. Smart gurls not stymied by society rule, especially when Jolie love is thrown in to boot. Thanx ausculture.
Reply to this
clearly, this could be a thesis
jess, i feel you have nailed angie, i mean the theory of angie completely! i would add to this also, that if we cannot actually be angelina jolie, jumping her hot, hot bones would be the next best thing. i remember i started thinking this when i read a rolling stone profile way back in the day, in which she posed for a photos sans top and with a panther on a leash. i also remember her saying something about wanting to buy a house for her friends, purely to ride motorbikes around inside. and also, she is fucking hot. billy bob, wtf?