December 07, 2004

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Angelina - What’s Come Between Us?

“Could it be the magic and the mystery of love
Could it be the magic and the mystery of Angelina…”

Billy Bob Thornton - “Angelina”

GrrrrrrOh Angelina… I know every woman says this, but I really, really heart you to bits. I used to think the above Billy Bob lyric was trite and sappy and rather hysterical, but that’s because it’d been too long between viewings of Gia. But it arrived at my house on DVD last night, and I’ve fallen back in luuurve with you.

Imagine then, Angie my sweet, how saddened I was to read this blatant hack job on news.com.au this morning.

The so-called journalist behind the story, Nicole Lampert, certainly had the knives out for you, didn’t she? She refers to you as a “tall, gangly, big-lipped American” whereas “sexiest woman in the world” would have sufficed.

She makes out as though you are a heartless, shallow Hollywood type who goes from Russian orphanage to Russian orphanage, building up poor children’s hopes and then smashing them to pieces once you’ve tired of them.

And do you love how she hammers home that you’re looking for “a blond baby with blue eyes”? It’s almost as though she’s trying to make you sound as obsessed as Adolf Hitler when it comes to cherishing pure white stock, without actually saying you’re like Adolf Hitler. That’s genuine journalistic skill, right there.

What did you do after dangling the carrot of adoption in front of impoverished Russian orphans only to yank it away cruelly? Why, you might have bought a baby! No doubt from a naive young Russian mother who was too confused and star-struck to realise you were planning on sacrificing the child to your dark lord.

That’s right, Hollywood might have a short memory, but Nicole doesn’t.

She remembers your “past” quite clearly. As she says -

She is a deeply eccentric - some would say disturbed - woman who has experimented with bisexuality, tried almost every drug known, been in a mental ward, had a bizarre feud with her father, is fascinated with knives and claims that, in a bizarre death-wish, she once hired a hitman to kill her.

See? She even used the word “bizarre” twice to hammer home just what a fucking deviant lunatic you are! And let’s not forget deluded - even in your violent madness, it appears you’re also a filthy idiot hippy who sounds like Mia Farrow after hitting a crack pipe…

Jolie wants to adopt a variety of children from around the world - her “noble” act.
“I want to create a rainbow family,” she has said. “Children of different religions and cultures. I’d love to have seven, a small football team.
“I’m drawn to kids that are already born. I like to think with every adoption I’m saving another child from an orphanage.”

Are you some sort of moron? A rainbow family? Do you think this makes you some sort of saint? Ha - Nicole sees right through you, Angelina.

Never mind that much of the “bizarre” behaviour you indulged in happened many years ago. Never mind that you have made a concerted effort to do some good in the world, working with the UN in various places around the world - can Nicole Lampert say the same thing? Never mind that you’re hardly the first person to be estranged from their father. You’re weird, Jolie, and it’s high time you were taken down a peg or two!

Look, we all know you are a little eccentric. And at some point, you were a little fucked up. But do we all have the activities of our youth held against us for the rest of our lives? Hell no.

But Angelina - don’t worry. You have my love, and the love of many other slightly demented ladies and gentlemen. And what’s Nicole Lampert got, other than a reputation for being a complete hack whose allegations have been proven untrue time and time again (remember her piece on Jude Law and Nicole Kidman’s steamy affair? The one where she was sued for libel and lost?) - nothing, babes. She’s got nothing.

So let’s not let this daft article get us down, Angelina. You go back to doing whatever it is you do in Hollywood, and I’ll go back to mentally replaying Gia in my head.

And as for you, Nicole Lampert - I will say this only once.

Do not fuck with my girl Angie.

Posted by Jess at December 7, 2004 11:09 AM
— Filed under Common

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On December 8, 2004 02:51 PM at Troppo Armadillo:
Fame Part Two
Posh and Becks feature in a nativity scene at Madame Tussaud's. Photo: Reuters. Continuing my musings on fame and its contemporary cultural significance, what's going on when our Nic is named UN Citizen of the World alongside Hans Blix...
On December 7, 2004 12:27 PM, elmo wrote:
"angie, aaaaaaaingeh! when wll they clouds all disappear?"

i also heart angelina big, big time. infact, i think for her, i just might turn. LAY THE FUCK OFF! heh.

commentReply to this
On December 7, 2004 12:37 PM, Jess wrote:

That’s the thing, most women would turn for her. Unless they’re sort of clueless women who say “Angelina’s not that hot, I’d turn for Kylie!”

Kylie! KYLIE I SAY! Honestly, I love Ms Minogue as much as the next patriotic Botox-forgiving Aussie gal, but she is not sexy. She’s cute, she’d dance quite well, and she’d be your top pick to model hotpants, but she doesn’t reek of “I am so captivating that I will seduce you away from menfolk if only temporarily and make with the Ellen-themed funtimes”, now does she? Women who say they’d prefer turning for Kylie are just faking it and prefer the company of missionary doodle. Fact. Sort of.

I have this huge long theory as to why Angelina is the pick of the ladies, but I’ll hold off for now. Needless to say, it’s insightful and wise and not solely based on her appearance.

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On December 7, 2004 02:53 PM, Dxxxx wrote:
Angie baby

OH. MY. GOD.

ANGELINA. IS. THE. HOTTEST. CREATURE. EVER. TO GRACE. THIS. EARTH.

You cannot tell me that any man, woman (or animal) would not want to have THE SEX with that woman….

Surely nobody would be able to resist her..???

And as for this Nicole ‘hack’ Lampeth… I suggest we sick a hitman onto her .

How dare she diss the goddess that is Ms Jolie….

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On December 7, 2004 03:54 PM, morgan wrote:
angie

jess, thank you for defending the honour of my true love angelina(TM).

i’m not sure how she feels about taking in a very grown up australian babe into her “rainbow family” but i’ve been emailing her adoption agent a few times a day for months now to make it very clear i’m 110% available to join the Jolie team.

wish me luck…

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On December 7, 2004 08:15 PM, Adam wrote:

MY GOD! She dabbled in the dark arts of bisexuality?? The evil possessed wench!

Call an old priest and a young priest. Now.

commentReply to this
On December 7, 2004 11:45 PM, elmo wrote:
theory? please post, post-haste!

as it will save me much money on therapy trying to figure out why i stay up at night thinking of sleeping with angie. especially after seeing the indescribably crap “taking lives” where she gets totally hot with ethan hawke. anyway, i’m sure there’s some work i should be doing….

commentReply to this