December 01, 2004

Disturbing Google Search Phrases V

Here at ausculture.com, we’re trying slowly to move on from our nasty case of Blogfright. Perhaps committing to a schedule was too much for a pair of free spirits like Patrick and I? In any case, ignore any promises we made over the past few weeks. To quote the majority of Maury Povich’s teenage boot camp attendees - “I do what I want!”

Back to familiar territory then - here’s the latest instalment of Disturbing Google Search Phrases. Scarily, everything you read below is a genuine search phrase that someone has either used to get here, or has entered into the ausculture.com search function. Shudder.

‘lisa mccune baby tribute’
A tribute to Lisa McCune’s children? A tribute to Lisa McCune as a baby? Lisa McCune has turned to the black arts and sacrifices newborns as a tribute to the Dark Lord? The mind boggles.

‘suffering: god has worn me out!’
Whinge, whinge, whinge. You wanna talk suffering in the name of God, have a chat to Guy Sebastian’s homeboy Jesus. Or listen to Hillsong’s latest album.

‘what is marcia famous for’
Apparently in the olden days, she used to be a singer or something. But at the moment, she’s mostly famous for talking in ginuwine hip hop slang yo, hating Chanel Cole and confusing thrusting awkwardly for nifty dance moves.

‘nude pictures of erika heynatz’
Urgh, I cannot imagine anything worse. For a while, I wondered if I’d been too hard on Erika during her stint on The Hothouse. However, accidentally flicking onto Australia’s Next Top Anorexic over the weekend simply confirmed her status as a hideous, lemon suckling spank bucket. Sourest woman on television? You decide.

‘Shannon Noll’s life’
An excerpt from Shannon’s forthcoming autobiography - “Yeah, maaate, it’s basically all about battlin’ and how I’m a real battler, hey maaaate? In Condo, I went to prozzies, yeah sure maaate, greeeaaaat, it’s just a life expeeeerience, innit maaaaate? Fuckin’ top fun too. Wanna smoke some pot?”

‘are daniel and chanel getting married’
Yes. John Foreman will act as celebrant, Ian Dickson will be best man, and Marcia Hines will at some point turn to Chanel and hiss “I got nothin’ to say to you.”

‘tiffani wood nude’
Patrick, this is one of yours, isn’t it?

‘whats with sky and lana in neighbours’
Like, I know! Are they like, total lesbians or something? Like, what is with that?

‘cortknee’
This is what happens when illiterate Courtney Murphy fans hit the net.

‘rowing bots’
If you didn’t know any better, you might think someone’s finger slipped while they attempted to search for “rowing boats”. However, ausculture.com’s inside source at the Australian Institute of Sport confirms that management are considering creating rowing bots (aka “sporting cyborgs”) in an effort to counter the problem of narcoleptic rowers like Sally Robbins.

‘nic cester has another brother named ben’
Looks to me like a lonely, attention-starved Ben Cester has decided to vent to everyone’s favourite free psychologist, Google. You can almost hear faintly in the distance the plaintive strains of Shannon Noll’s “What About Me” when you read that search term, can’t you?

And now, the ausculture.com Perverted Search Special!

‘dolly parton shit tits’
Are you saying she has shit tits, or you want to see someone shit on her tits? Either way, NO! We love Dolly! Stay away from her ample Appalachian bazoongas.

‘free killeen sex’
Goodness me, is there something about ol’ Gretel we don’t know about? Did Channel Ten decide against screening the remarkably racy Gretel’s Gangbang on Sunday night in favour of the more family-orientated documentary based on her time in Zambia with the kiddies? Thank god we’ll never know.

‘steve guttenberg bare chested’
What are you sniggering at? Nothing gets the folks at ausculture.com hotter than the sight of a sweaty, half-naked Guttenberg. Which is why all Patrick’s Police Academy DVD’s are stored away with his porn collection.

‘swingers party in sydney’
So you’ve heard of Grogblogging? How delightful!

‘swingers blog’
I only wish we were that kinky. However, the virtual sexual tension has reached fever pitch over in this blog’s comments. I almost feel like starting the I Don’t Want To Sex Ms Fits Foundation simply to be different… almost… call me xxx

‘touch my penis’
Where are your manners?

‘can i touch your penis’
That’s better. Though if I really wanted to get pedantic, I’d make you search “May I touch your penis”

‘wanking old man’
I believe you’re referring to Daryl Somers’ stint hosting Dancing With The Stars… no?

‘old man wanking’
Oh, I see. You’re quite adamant about watching an elderly fellow shoot his man-broth, aren’t you? How…pleasant! Afraid we can’t help you though.

‘penis squeeze’
Mmmmm… squishy…. and then not so squishy!

‘fingering my anus’
I see you’re tired of fingering our anus, and would like some reciprocal digital pleasure. Hott.

‘naughty babes doing it doggy style’
Dude, that sounds like a bitchin’ weekend! Spring break rules!

‘lesbian bus’
I would totally buy a yearly travel ticket if Sydney Buses could somehow guarantee the sexuality of my bus. My lesbian bus would ideally play Ani DiFranco constantly (especially Out Of Range & To The Teeth) while we watched Margaret Cho’s “All American Girl” on the bus telly. Wicked.

‘gay men ass cracking-fucking’
“Ass” fucking I’m jiggy with, really. “Ass” cracking sounds incredibly painful though, like it would result in you having to defecate into a plastic bag for the rest of your life.

‘letting boobies’
Letting boobies what? Don’t leave me hanging! Letting boobies stay out all night? Letting boobies Irish dance? Unless of course you mean some sort of tit rental scheme. Call me.

‘shit pissing out of my moms clitoris’
Getting past the impossible physical logistics of this, why does it have to be your mother’s clitoris that’s pissing shit? God, the web certainly brings out the freaks. Really adds a whole new dimension to the term MILF, doesn’t it?

Posted by Jess at December 1, 2004 10:29 AM
— Filed under Common

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