October 18, 2004

The ARIA Awards Wrap

Last we heard from the ARIA’s, Jet were due for a shower, Rove was due for a career change and Guy Sebastian was winning awards and thanking God. Let’s head back there and continue heckling!

8:02pm Delta Goodrem wins Highest Selling Album and thanks her forum fans during her speech. You know what’s even better than a “thank you”, Delta? Ten free passes to English As A Second Language lessons!

8:07pm Guy performs “Out With My Baby” to a rather lacklustre ARIA crowd. The sound is far too soft in my opinion, and Guy’s hair is terrible. Bloody Mark Holden and his “Go The Fro” comments have meant Guy is now stuck with a hideous trademark. Cut it off, Guy, cut if off.

8:10pm After Guy finishes up, Rove makes a few jokes directed at Christians. Top stuff! Now that Family First are all-powerful, expect legislation banning Rove Live to be passed. This one act may be enough to warrant my support for the party at the next election.

8:13pm Tim Freedman and Katie Noonan arrive on stage to present the Breakthrough Artist Award. In one minute, Tim gets more laughs from the audience than Rove will likely get all night. Jet win the award.

8:17pm At the conclusion of their thank you speech, I discover I really, really loathe Jet. Stupid, rambling speeches, ugly suits and references to “good music” which I can only assume is aimed at the Idol contestants in the crowd. Newsflash Jet - at least Idol contestants KNOW they’re ripping off other people’s songs week by week. Chris Cester irks me more than the rest of them combined. Dishevelled, cocky - I haven’t felt this much Mum-like disgust at an ARIA winner since Sarah McLeod from The Superjesus accepted an award a few years back while chewing gum!

8:23pm God bless Missy Higgins (or Misdemeanour Higgins, as Crystal calls her). She is performing “Scar” with Josh Cunningham from The Waifs and it’s chirpy and breezy and all things popalicious. Props to Missy for her new Lindy Chamberlain-meets-cereal-bowl haircut too. More worrying is her bum chin, which points to some kind of genetic link to Bec Cartwright - a sure fire killer to any music career.

8:23pm And now it’s time for Token Yank Presenters the Black Eyed Peas to present the Best Urban Release award. Now, I’m not one to label people “attention seeking whores” willy nilly but I am sorely tempted when the Black Eyed Peas race down the stairs, ignore Rove completely (which is somewhat amusing, granted), and head straight for the microphone in order to sing along to their own song playing in the background! And how ugly is Fergie’s dress?

8:31pm And the winner of the award is Koolism. Who, you may ask? Some skinny white dork and a plump Islander in an ill-fitting outfit. One of the highlights of the night occurs when Skinny White Guy decides to throw in some spiel in a tough voice about how important it is for Aussie urban artists not to imitate “that American crap”. Stirring words, indeed. It would mean much more though if Skinny White Boy hadn’t realised Black Eyed Peas were still behind him, and in a brilliantly arse-kissing voice began begging forgiveness and pleading “I don’t mean you guys! America rules! Jizz in my eye!” Ha!

8:33pm Next up - Best Blues & Roots Album. Right before the winner is announced, comedy titan Fergie hilariously does a peace sign behind the bloke called Apple who is handling microphone duties. Wow, Timberlake shagger, epileptic dancer and now slapstick genius? Is there anything this girl can’t do? Anyway, John Butler Trio win the award - excellent choice.

8:42pm Rove is wandering about in the crowd and begins chatting to Kasey Chambers and her partner Cory. They named their son Talon, by the way. Kasey always seems as though she’s absolutely primed to get on the piss. I like that about her even if I don’t completely dig her faux-Yanky singing voice.

8:45pm Missy Higgins wins Best Pop Release. I am simply relieved that tonight isn’t going to be the Unofficial Goodrem Love-in like last year. Missy says that she really wishes she was “pissed right now” since she’s so nervous. She slurs it though, which makes me think she’s pretty much achieved her goal.

8:53pm We are treated to a retrospective of the last year in Australian music. Roving Enterprises remind us of Rove’s finest moment, imitating Shannon Noll’s “What About Me” video clip. However, they’ve replayed and replayed this clip so many times (perhaps because something genuinely amusing occurring on Rove is so rare) that it’s almost lost all it’s power to amuse.

8:54pm Time for the Best Independent Release award. I pray that The Waifs don’t win (not because I hate them, I really quite like them - I just think the song they are nominated for - “Bridal Train” - is the most mind-numbingly dull song since Pete Murray’s “So Beautiful”). Thankfully John Butler wins the award. Unlike when he accepted the Blues & Roots Album award, Channel Ten decide to focus in on his actual wife rather than some blonde random - and for a moment, I think John is having an affair with Chanel Cole!

9:07pm Oooh! Speaking of “So Beautiful”, it’s time for Pete Murray to send the crowd to sleep perform the song live! I can’t tell you how much this song bores me although as you might have picked up from ausculture.com, I will certainly try regardless. It sounds like the sort of music that would emerge if a GPS school’s First XV forward decided he was actually quite sensitive and began learning guitar in order to howl poems over the top of it. Pete is performing on a rather appropriate stage - it looks just like an old lady’s living room! I’m sure that we’re supposed to think “Ooooh! How accessible and down to earth Pete Murray is!” but in reality all I think is how aptly dull the set is. Truly, music to euthanise your granny to.

9:12pm Rove begins a sketch about the Aussie music industry twenty years from now. A Delta Goodrem \ Poo joke gets a mild titter from the crowd, but the “INXS announce they are “very happy” with 53rd new lead singer Selwyn” gag goes down a treat.

9:13pm Yumi Stynes and Ben from Silverchair emerge to present the Channel V Oz Artist Of The Year Award. Yumi struggles getting the words out, at one point informing us that this award is for the “biggest, brightest, breast…” which is probably pretty apt some years. I must question her haircut, not to mention her dress - my mother has a lamp that looks EXACTLY like that. And it’s well hidden in the garage since it represents the more hideous aspects of the seventies. I pray that Jet don’t win this award… and they don’t! Guy Sebastian takes it out, and I’m ecstatic simply because it means one less time I have to see that cock knocker Chris Cester onstage babbling rubbish. Guy is looking rather buff, I must say - but again, he really needs to lose the ‘fro. Perhaps Missy Higgins can give him the business card of her hair dresser\bowl operator?

9:23pm Rove is back in the crowd chatting to nominees - this time, it’s the lads from Jet. Urgh. One of them throws an “I love you, Nanna” towards the camera which I find quite endearing, and I decide that I don’t hate him as much as the others.

9:25pm Delta performs her new single and ode to The Poo “Out Of The Blue”. She has perfected the sultry “Will I Hump My Piano Or Merely Continue Giving The Microphone Fellatio And Looking Coy? I Do Not Know!” look. I must say, the performance is missing the class and artistic appeal that only the spasticated dancing performed by Eleven Year Old Delta from the Innocent Eyes video clip can bring. Ooh, and now Delta is standing up! And singing without the piano! Gasp! She is like a hybrid between Celine Dion and Marty from Australian Idol - not to mention very, very thrusty. I can only assume this new found discovery of her pelvis is The Poo’s influence. It would seem that post-cancer Delta is one very randy bird.

9:32pm Chris Isaak and Rove perform a skit. How very Oscars night of them. Yawn.

9:35pm Axle Whitehead from Video Hits and Katy Steele from Little Birdy present the section regarding the technical achievement awards. Speaking of Axle, I can’t believe that someone called Alex Whitehead would change the Alex part of their name! Surely the acne-related surname would have to go first?!

9:36pm Little River Band are being inducted into the Hall Of Fame.

9:40pm As above.

9:42pm Goodness, inducting takes a while, doesn’t it!

9:55pm Rove is now sitting with John Butler Trio. He makes a penis joke about John Butler and it is by far the most amusing thing he’s said all night. Well, it’s only been two hours - don’t rush yourself, Rovey.

10:01pm Kasey Chambers wins an ARIA and it would appear she fulfilled her earlier potential by accepting the award somewhat pissed. Bless.

10:03pm Teddy Tahu Rhodes watch out! Daniel Belle will be after your Best Classical Album award next year!

10:08pm We’re shown a clip about The Dissociatives, since they’re up for Album Of The Year. I really, really like The Dissociatives. I love the music, Daniel Johns is one hundred times better than he is with Silverchair (is it because he doesn’t feel a need to cater for long-time “grunge” loving fans?) and I notice from footage included in the package that Daniel looks quite hot with a shaved head, in a pretentious girly sort of way. Erm, but I’m a serious critiquer (is that a word?) of awards ceremonies so naturally I don’t dwell on such superficial things for long.

10:11pm Best Dance Act award is handed out. I can’t remember who won because I’m too distracted by Ella Hooper’s ever-changing facial expressions in the background. Is she angling for a role on Neighbours or something? She runs the gamut of emotions during some blokes speech. Ecstatic, morbidly depressed, bored… all in thirty seconds!

10:13pm Fucking Jet win yet another award - Best Rock Album. I demand that Chris Cester has a shave! The grubby lump does another rambling speech, spitting into the mic the whole time, and mutters something about being “dressed in Jesus’ suit!”. I hardly think the son of God would be seen dead - or crucified - in such an ill-fitting try-hard rawk suit. Nic Cester thanks the bands Aussie influences and seems alright. He and the Nanna guy can stay.

10:16pm John Butler Trio perform “Zebra”. I like the song but surely there are some newer songs they could play? Still, I hope JBT beat Jet for Album Of The Year.

10:25pm Jet perform Are You Gonna Be My Girl. I notice that Nic Cester has very rodent like features, which makes me wonder if he’s related to Rove somehow?

10:29pm Rove tells the crowd about how Daniel Johns and Natalie Imbruglia met at the ARIA’s. I remember when that happened! A friend of mine helped with the sound at the awards ceremony (was it 2000?) and told me that Daniel and Natalie spent the whole night talking and went up to a hotel room together. I was sceptical - those two? Together? What would they have in common? Look at them now, married and still in luuuuurve - it makes the heart melt, it really does. Anyway, where was I? Oh, they’re poking fun at Andrew G, saying he has found love with himself. Chuckle!

10:33pm Best Group award - please not Jet, please not Jet, please not Jet… and the winner is Jet! They dedicate the award to their dads, which is quite nice. For the first time, the band seem quite gracious and humble. Chris Cester also thanks his beautiful girlfriend Lexie. Lexie, please force your boyfriend to HAVE A BATH! Thank you.

10:43pm Rove does a Missy Higgins video pisstake. It is quite amusing I suppose, even though I have never seen the real video clip, but mostly that’s because Rove looks freakishly like Missy Higgins, complete with bum chin.

10:45pm And now Best Male Artist - the award goes to John Butler and Pete Murray looks totally pissed off! Hahaha - if looks could kill! Blundstones will always beat boat shoes, Pete. The award is presented by Tina Arena - she really is an affable drag queen-ish gal isn’t she? She tells John Butler “Johnny, the weapon of mass destruction…” as she hands him the ARIA, and he responds with “This must mean it doesn’t really exist!” Boom boom!

10:50pm Another live performance. I don’t hate Kasey Chambers, I really don’t. As a person, I think she’s quite tops in an ocker way. I have tried repeatedly to enjoy her music, but despite all my efforts I simply cannot STAND that American twang in her voice! I know it’s country music but still - does it necessitate such strong Yanky pronunciation? Everyone who has seen her perform live raves about her, so perhaps that’s what it’s going to take for me to enjoy her music.

10:55pm Kate Cebrano joins Rove onstage to hand out Best Female Artist. I thought she was eaten by Scientologists back in the late 90’s? I do like her though - she’s my type of gal (busty, sharp and she stopped Rove from pulling a stupid face at the camera which was irking me no end). The award goes to Kasey Chambers, who is still backstage and promptly dissolves into drunken giggles when she hears her name called. God love her. Listening to her speech, I pray for her to say grouse or tops but she resists. She pulls out a “stoked” though which makes me smile.

11:04pm Powderfinger’s Bernard Fanning and Jon Coghill come up on stage to present Single Of The Year. Bernard and Cogsy (you can’t help but use his nickname, which is wanky since I don’t know him from a bar of soap but he’s such a Cogsy) are ARIA royalty in my eyes ever since the year they ripped into Harry Connick Jnr after he made a disparaging comment or two about Tim Rogers. Add to that the Nikki Webster joke from a few years back, and it’s clear the boys are mighty lovable. Anyway, Jet win the award (are they 2004’s Delta Goodrem?) and pile onstage to make yet another speech. Hang on, when did Art Garfunkle join the band? Oh wait, apparently it’s their keyboardist. Whatever. The band accept the award saying “The Rolling Stones, The Easybeats, The Faces, The Beatles - thank you…” and I wonder if they should add “… for the material!”

11:07pm Fanno & Cogsy (I can get even more over-familiar, just try me!) declare this “The best ARIA’s ever!” - ha! Bless them and their piss taking ways. The final award of the night is Album Of The Year and it goes to… Bec Cartwright! No, of course it doesn’t, it goes to fucking Jet again. Nic Cester accepts the award with great humility and he’s growing on me, he really is. However I still think his brother, Short Pants McFucknob should shut the hell up and bathe.

11:18pm And how would one finish “the best ARIA’s ever”? With a supergroup cover of an Oz classic! Members of Spiderbait, Dallas Crane, The Living End and Jet (Nic Cester, thank christ, not Chris) combine to cover “Evie” and I quite enjoy it. RAWK!

And there you have it. A useless step by step guide of this year’s ARIA Awards!

Posted by Jess at October 18, 2004 12:51 PM
— Filed under Common

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