September 29, 2004

Election Idol!

It had to happen. ausculture.com has been flitting about between Idol and Federal Election commentary for weeks now - it was only a matter of time before the two blurred into one nonsensical article. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome tonight’s representatives from various political parties and the Idol crew for a one off special!

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Andrew G Hello Australia, and welcome to tonight’s episode of Election Idol.
James Mathison Soon we’ll be hearing from some of Australia’s favourite politicians chosen by you, the public. But before we meet our candidates would you please put your hands together for the Election Idol judges Mark Holden, Marcia Hines and Ian ‘Dicko’ Dickson!

Marcia Thank you so much.
Dicko Should be an interesting night tonight, guys.
Mark Fandango mahoy-doooooooo! Touchdown!

Andrew G Right… Anyway, our first performer tonight is an experienced politician. He’ll tour anywhere but Nauru, and he’s good friends with American Election 2000 Idol George W. Bush. Put your hands together for Prime Minister John Howard!

(*camera pans onto the solitary figure of John Howard onstage, a solitary spotlight focuses on his botoxed facial features*)

John Howard People of Australia, I have something to tell you before I begin. Mark Latham’s on his L-plates! I’ve guided you through the worst of times, and I want to continue leading the public through the worst of times - until I retire, in which case Abbott & Costello can duke it out for my Election Idol crown. Sure, I haven’t really provided you all with any hope for a better nation, but I can tell you what I *don’t* want for Australia!

(*sings*)
I don’t want no refugees
Struggling Australians? Not for me!
I just wanna maintain the squeeze!
Lick Dubya’s rectal cavity!

No, I don’t want no Medicare
I don’t wanna pluck my eyebrow hair!
I don’t want a education system that’s fair!
I want to appeal to the bourgeois Christian Anglo-Saxon married heterosexual pairs!

James Mathison Thank you, Prime Minister Howard. Judges, what did you think of John’s performance tonight?

Marcia You tried your best, sweetheart. Be true to yourself. I have nothing to say to you.
John Howard Thanks Marcia. For a foreign person of colour, you’re alright. Must be the American in you.
Mark Ummmm…… man, man oh man…… It’s like, whoa…… Okay, I feel it in my bones that you want this, man but dude, buddy…… it’s like…… whoa……. If it niggled my piggle a bit more, we’d be rockin’ the casbah to the gooney goo goo factor, but the fact is Simba is the Lion King, man. Simba is the Lion King! But yeah, Troppo Mondo Relaxo, buddy. Maybe next time.
John Howard Yes.
Dicko How long have you been doing this for, mate?
John Howard I’ve been performing as Prime Minister for about eight years.
Dicko The thing is mate, I just don’t know how I can market you. I mean, your voice - it’s terrible. If you were good looking enough, maybe I could overlook it but you just don’t appeal to the punters we’d be trying to get. It’s all about the three G’s - Gays, Girls and Graduates. They just don’t trust you, mate.
John Howard But what about those who are scared of Aboriginals? Those who are petrified of gay marriage ruining their God given exclusive right to divorce or cheat on their wives and husbands? Those who are frightened of rising interest rates? Those who are disturbed by those horrible yellow and brown people hopping on a boat, turning up uninvited and taking our valuable jobs and benefits from legitimate illegal immigrants, like British backpackers? And what about the people I have attempted to buy off with my $5 billion dollars worth of election promises, which may or may not turn out to be non-core?
Dicko That’s the thing, mate. You might scare or bribe them into NOT voting for someone else, but you’re just not likable as a person. Even easy going musicians don’t like you. There’s every chance you’ll be snubbed at the 2005 ARIA Awards, just like Guy and Shannon! You’ve insulted leading economists, you’ve offended human rights campaigners - at this rate, you’ll be lucky enough to have a market at all by the time the Election Idol final comes around!
John Howard But… but I’m not here for all of the Australian public, Dicko. My friend George calls me a “Man Of Steel”, not a “Man Of The People”. As far as I’m concerned, if you can’t afford private health care, if you can’t afford a private school, if you’re not in a marginal electorate - I really don’t have much to say to you at all. Unless you’re not smart or rich enough to do one of my $100,000 university degrees, in which case I’m happy to have you trained in various technical trades. We Kirribilli folk always need hired help from time to time.
Dicko Fair enough, mate - I’m just saying that you’re really very hard to sell.
John Howard Thankfully not to money hungry conservatives who have had all traces of a conscience removed!
Dicko You may have a point. Meanwhile, let’s get the Maybelline styling team working on your eyebrows, eh?

Andrew G Wow, well - certainly some fireworks there between Dicko and John Howard!
James You’re not wrong. Any of the judges have anything to add?

Mark Holden Balooga, my rag time gal. Balooga and cheese sticks. I think I’ve soiled myself.

Andrew G Excellent. Stay tuned Australia, because after a short break, we’re going to have Natasha Stott-Despoja representing the Democrats. Natasha is stepping up to the plate after Andrew Bartlett did a Millsy on Good Morning Australia and forgot to turn up due to hangover…

POINTLESS ELECTION IDOL COVERAGE WILL CONTINUE ON AUSCULTURE.COM SHORTLY!

Posted by Jess at September 29, 2004 06:17 PM
— Filed under Common , Australian Federal Election 2004 , Politics , Random, Purposeless Stuff

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