September 15, 2004
The art of the donkey
A step-by-step guide to donkey voting — for protesters, the apathetic and anyone else with a view towards being disenfranchised.
“A step-by-step guide to donkey voting?” I hear everybody muttering. “Surely numbering the boxes from top to bottom is something even the most dim-witted amongst us can manage?”
I argue that it isn’t as simple as it may seem — there are many potential pit-falls along the way. To help you avoid those pitfalls I’ve prepared this guide. Naturally, I don’t actually condone donkey voting. I would never be so irresponsible as to encourage people to vote in such a manner. However, in order to prevent potential donkey voters from leaving simply the ballot paper blank, scribbling, doodling or defectively numbering the ballot I think education is important.
By donkey voting, and not otherwise incorrectly filling out the ballot paper you’ll be making the counting easier for… the gnomes that do all the counting.
So here goes…
Leading up to the election
As much as possible try to avoid any exposure to election issues. Exposure to election issues may actually make you partial to one party or another, and this will make your donkey voting task much harder. The greater your ignorance regarding the political landscape; the better positioned you will be to donkey.
Especially avoid talking to friends, family and work colleagues about anything at all related to election issues. This includes any issues related to how much tax you had to pay or got back from your latest tax return. Any such discussions could be fatal to your donkey voting plans.
On the election day
This is where things get really hard. Hopefully you will have avoided any discussions up until now which would involve you stating who you are voting for. On election day this often becomes impossible. If at all possible — avoid conversations.
Try not to tell anyone that you plan to donkey vote: telling anyone will invariably lead to further questioning. Your other two options are to:
- Refuse to state your intentions
- Lie, and say you are voting for whoever you think of first
Both options have their potential problems. In general, it is best to use the first approach with opinionated people and the second with nosey people. This should be taken only as a guide.
As anyone who has previously voted will know — when you actually go to place your vote (unless you are vote via an absentee ballot) you will encounter swarms of representatives. These people have been trained to sense any voters who are not already strongly committed to voting in a particular way. Your personal resolve to donkey vote needs to be strong. Remember at all times that you are voting in a specific way and moreover that you are strongly committed to voting this way. If any seeds of doubt enter your mind then representatives bearing flyers will swarm to you like moths towards a flame. Stay calm; do not panic. Continue on to the voting booth.
Entering the building you will have to supply some critical information such as that fact that you have not previously voted in the current election and your name. These can be some tense moments — stay calm. Listen only to essential instructions regarding the voting procedure. If this process goes smoothly you should quickly have a ballot paper in your hands. If this does not go smoothly it is important to stay calm and follow any directions you are given. At all times keep focused on your goal, and do not allow any complications to dissuade you from your purpose.
Once you have secured a ballot paper and a working pencil it is time to “do the donkey.” Avoid reading any names or parties on any papers you have in front of you. Number items sequentially top to bottom. If this is impossible, try turning that ballot paper around… you may have it sideways. Remember that in order to donkey vote you must
Follow any instructions given about folding the ballot papers and where to place them. Leave the building.
Your task is done.
Final words
At times you may be tempted to:
- Actually vote with regard to your preferences
- Vote informally by scribbling on the ballot papers, leaving them blank or numbering them incorrectly
- Not vote at all
The first is a matter of…preference. The second should be discouraged. Only idiots would screw up a simple task of numbering boxes right? As for the third — remember that there is a fine for failing to vote. Simply pretend that you are getting paid to vote.
That’s all. It should be noted that I am certainly no expert in donkey voting. I’m sure some pro’s out there will have some other great tips. Comment those below.
Posted by Patrick at September 15, 2004 02:24 PM— Filed under Articles On Various Topics , Common , Politics
Comments / Trackbacks (URI)
just one thing ...
what if the liberals are the first box ???
if i were you, i’d say vote labor …
or else draw a picture of a rabbit, and submit that as your vote - they’ll never know it was you.
reason to vote for labor: they’ll give my school more funds … in the paper, my school was listed as ne of the schools they would increase funding for - and we need it! so please … help my school … i’d vote if i could, but i’m not 18 yet
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The best way to donkey vote is put the Greens 1st then go 2-whatever for the rest.
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You have all yeilded to the pressures of non-donkey types.
The true donkey voter doesn’t even think about who is first, second or whatever.
It’s a zen thing.
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RE:
Yes, yes draw a pic of the rabbit - it will make things less boring for the vote counters. Or a picture of a donkey. Or someone hung like a donkey even.
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PS: Don’t vote for the Liberals.