May 22, 2004

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Here Comes The Nodule Queen

Humble Liberal Cosima ReturnsAustralian’s all let us rejoice, for we are about to hear tunes from Australia’s greatest singer since… well… ever! That’s right, Cosima De Vito has announced that she’ll soon be offering up a Dianne Warren penned album for our listening ‘pleasure’ - how excitement!

But before that album is recorded and thrown to the wolves, we will also have the honour of listening to her cover Cold Chisel’s When The War Is Over. Oh goody, my nodules are growing with anticipation!

She announced that she would be beginning work on her impending masterpiece while performing at John Howard’s 30th anniversary shindig on Thursday night. Ha! I should have known she’d be a Liberal supporter!

So what happens (God forbid) if it looks like her debut album won’t be entering the charts at number one once it’s released?

Can we expect the following announcement?

I have a very important announcement to make that will no doubt affect the lives of my billions of fans across the globe. As we all know, I am an incredibly talented singer, and it is because of this God given talent that people have flocked to support me, and I want to tell you all how much this has humbled me. I am so very humble, which is surprising considering how hugely talented I am, but yes, I have been humbled.

As my gajillion followers out there would also be aware of, my brilliant album which was sung by me, a huge and wonderful Australian talent, hit shelves on Monday and in a few days we were to find out whether it hit number one. It breaks my heart to announce that I have discovered that during the recording of that album, I may have had a nodule problem which prevented the album from being it’s artistic best, even though it’s pretty fucking good already as it is sung by me, a gifted and truly humbled singer. Therefore, I have decided to take my album off the shelves of record stores everywhere, and re-record it when my magical throat monkeys have been banished by my local priest and excorcism consultant, Father Mulligan.

I want to reassure my fans around the universe - many of whom are inanimate objects and can only give me their adoration and support through secret mental radiowaves sent out on a frequency that only I, Cosima “Glorious” De Vito, can pick up - that this is not because I thought I wasn’t going to be number one, and in fact top surgeons from this galaxy and the next have assured me that my magical throat monkeys are on the verge of creating an anarchistic society and they must be removed now before the universe implodes.

Again, I want to thank the fans who have kept me grounded and humble despite the fact that we all know I have an amazing voice and am clearly superior to everyone else. Soon I will rule this world! Soon, my pretties! Mwahahahahaha…

Well. If anyone out there would like to book Cosima for a gig, please head here - and invite me, I’m a huge fan.

Posted by Jess at May 22, 2004 05:27 PM
— Filed under Common

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On May 26, 2004 03:47 PM, Me wrote:

Head over to Cosimas Official Forum… http://pub219.ezboard.com/bcosimadevito

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On June 7, 2004 07:00 PM, Kylie wrote:

Pathetic much?

dude, get yourself a hobby, ay?

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On June 7, 2004 07:20 PM, Jess wrote:

Hmmm. Constructive criticism.

Hang on while I grab my USA Valley Girl Vocabulary Guide and work out a suitable response.

Like, care factor much? I totally dig your contributions though dude!

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On June 7, 2004 09:51 PM, Patrick wrote:

Don’t be harsh Jess. After all, our apparent Wiccan, Virgo friend already has two more net approved hobbies than you or I have obviously ever had (ie. astrology and wicca.)

I’m going to go look for a hobby now.

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On June 13, 2004 01:51 PM, John Marks wrote:

Jess;

At the end of the day, Cosima is heading of to the U.S. and working with Dianne Warren!!!!!!!!!. Believe it or not my friend but nodule girl no longer has nodules and when Cosima De Vito eventually dominates the Australian and especially the American music charts (It will happen), all those anti-cosima fans such as yourself can get their tongues and shove it up their asses!!!!!!!!!

Have a nice day.

Its all about the love.

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On June 13, 2004 02:54 PM, Jess wrote:

Thanks John, it’s nice to know that Cosima fans are familar with the concept of felching. However, I doubt very much I’ll be tonguing out my arse, but hey - you never know!

After all, as you excitedly say - Cosima IS working with Dianne Warren! So I guess I’ll be listening to and enjoying Cosima’s new stuff as much as previous Dianne Warren penned hits such as “Because You Loved Me” “How Do I Live” and “Unbreak My Heart” ie: never.

But congratulations on having the music taste of your average Mosman housewife John :) Best of luck in the future, and I promise you, if Cosima overcomes her personality and becomes a huuuuge success in Australia and the US cos she’s working with Dianne Warren (!!!!!!!!) I will indeed eat out my arsehole, perhaps with some fava beans and a nice chianti. Be sure to join me xxxx

Loving you forever,

Jess

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