January 30, 2004
Shane Warne - Secret Agent
With former Australian test cricketer and well known pie-eater Shane Warne’s return to the cricketing world imminent, we felt it thoroughly appropriate to republish an article by reputed non-journalist Steve Fellows that originally appeared on the sham that is The Home Of The Recluses. Much like George W.’s disappearance from the National Guard during the Vietnam war, mainstream media have avoided this amazing story, but here at ausculture.com we fear no man (unless he’s a lawyer).
Shane Warne - Secret Agent
Australia’s favourite cricketer and womaniser Shane Keith Warne is sent home in shame having failed a drug test for a banned diuretic. Ousted from the game he loves for 12 months, Shane is left to ponder his mother’s mistake, until such time as he can return to resurrect cricket, which can only suffer in his absence.
Such talent, and so much free time: many speculated on what a man of Shane’s worth would occupy himself with during his year-long sabbatical. None came even close to the astonishing truth.
Until recently, it was a closely guarded secret that Shane’s mother, the very person responsible for his cricket ban, is the Deputy Director at ASIO - Australia’s premier intelligence gathering agency. With this relationship revealed, the truth suddenly becomes clear - S.K.Warne is not only our most accomplished cricketer, he is also a SECRET AGENT!
Consider this: Shane has been travelling the world since his Test debut in the magic summer of 91-92, establishing a network of female contacts who can’t resist his obvious charms. He is expert in the use of text-messaging - a tool that has revolutionised espionage, allowing easy and safe encrypted information transfer. He has many aliases: most notably ‘The Sheik of Tweak’. His mother, a career intelligence officer, was directly responsible for his sabbatical. John Howard, our country’s leader, has what some would consider an inappropriate closeness and affection to the Australian cricket team. Put two and two together (not Shane’s forte), and the underlying reason for his ban becomes apparent.
In the lead up to the ‘Regime Change’ in Iraq, Australia was called upon by the US to assist with intelligence gathering in enemy territory. It soon became obvious there was only one man for the job. A sleeper till now, it was time to activate Agent Warne in an operation that would become known as ‘Spin Doctor’. Shane was inserted into Iraq prior to hostilities under his most appropriate cover - the Sheik of Tweak.
Able to move freely around Baghdad, Warnie’s job was to document Saddam’s movements and Iraq’s military build up, texting the information out through his network of smitten females in code that could easily be misconstrued as inappropriate sexual advances. Inevitably, this would leak to the press, and Shane was lampooned for his outlandish behaviour in tell-all tabloid character assassinations. ASIO agents gleaned issues of Woman’s Day and New Idea to collate Shane’s transmissions, decypher them, and then deliver the intelligence to the appropriate military sources. It was the work of Warnie that allowed swift and decisive victory in the Middle East.
Whilst all that I have spoken of will, and must be denied, next time you marvel at the low cost of petrol, or the ball that got Gatting, say a little thank you to Australia’s finest cricketing secret agent: Shane Keith Warne.
— Filed under Articles On Various Topics , Feature Articles