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August 18, 2006

Best. MySpace. Comment. Ever.

And by “best”, I mean “the most hilariously wrong”…

Some readers may be aware that I succumbed to the magic of MySpace sometime last year. I didn’t really understand it at all when I first joined up, and avoided the place for a good few months thinking “Well, that was pointless. It just appears to be a place for idiots to make in-jokes about each other.” Then it occurred to me - it was pointless and it allowed me to make idiotic in-jokes about my chums on their profiles! WHAT COULD BE MORE WHOLESOME AND FUN!?

Other than being a place where the foolishness of my chums can run rampant, it is also a great resource if you’re into studying fuckwits. And I am. Oh lord, I truly, truly am. I am endlessly amused by the sparkling animations and terrible poems and lol-filled odes to love people throw about on MySpazz.

An animated gif in the wild - MySpazz, yesterday.

Anyway, some lady (let’s refer to her as Bronny) added me on MySpace a few months ago and since I am all about catching up and rivalling Genny B’s epic number of friends , I approved her request and she became one of my people. Heh. Except… the woman sends around IDIOTIC BULLETINS EVERY GODDAMN FIVE MINUTES. They’re all multiple choice quizzes. They’re also incredibly and painfully stupid. Over at The East, I keep my boss amused by reading out the subject lines of Bronny’s latest bulletins in a particularly spazzy voice - stuff like “Who do you think Jesus really was?” and “How can we fix the situation in the Middle East” which, you know, are the sorts of queries easily answered through multiple choice questionnaires where you can choose one of four options and there’s a flashing animated background image spurring you forward to the point of an aneurysm.

Last night I was doorbitching at The East and explaining the concept of MySpazz to my bouncer sidekick Phil. We decided to trawl through Bronny’s MySpace page’s comments thread reasoning that she’d probably have equally stupid friends and we could laugh at them. We were right. The place was a veritable GOLDMINE of bad poetry, ASCII art and appalling Microsoft Paint-made jpegs saying “Thanks for being a friend!”.

And then?

Then we came across the greatest comment of all time.

Before I tell you what it is, I should explain that Bronny is (apparently) a blonde haired blue eyed forty year old single mother. Her profile photo has been ever so slightly photoshopped to make her look a bit younger - or at the very least, like the long lost sister of Jude Law’s character in AI: Artificial Intelligence. There is also a picture of her on her album page where she is holding a small child who appears to be at least partly of South East Asian descent. The picture has no description under it, so there is nothing to say it’s not her child, or a grandchild, or a niece or nephew - you get my point. It’s 2006, people. Get with the times.

Alright. Here is the comment left by a twenty year old Hillsong chick from Coffs Harbour. Brace yourselves.

hi Bronny, lol, I added you. I cant beleive your 40!!! Im not a lezzo or anything(yuk) but you are soo pretty for an older female…. please dont take offence to that, its a compliment…. in other words your really pretty lol…. Is that your cute black baby? not being racist, I love black kids they are adorable, cuter then white ones, lol..POST ME, lol…

OH MY FUCKING GOD.

i) Excessive and random use of the hideous “lol” - ONE POINT!
ii) Bad grammar, overenthusiastic distribution of exclamation marks, and spelling mistakes - ONE POINT!
iii) Appreciation of subject’s physical appearance followed by the obligatory hardcore Christian-esque denial of any lesbionic undertones (yuk) - ONE POINT!
iv) IS THAT YOUR CUTE BLACK BABY! - ONE POINT!
v) I’m sorry, but - IS THAT YOUR CUTE BLACK BABY?! - ONE POINT AGAIN!
vi) NOT BEING RACIST, I LOVE BLACK KIDS THEY ARE ADORABLE, CUTER THEN WHITE ONES, LOL - ONE BILLION POINTS!
vii) And then, subtly sandwiched between “lols”, a demand for reciprocal MySpazz comment love - ONE POINT!

All in all, I give this MySpace comment 1000000000006 points.

In a world of Angelina Jolies and United Colors of Benetton commercials, it can be a very confusing job to work out whether someone’s adopted a fashionable “cute black baby” for their very own or whether they’re just fronting some sort of ad campaign. It’s best to try and clarify these sorts of things.

Oh, and on the page actually featuring the photo of the aforementioned “cute black baby” and Bronny? Someone has commented “Were you involved in an aid project?”

DO YOU SEE? COS SHE’S HOLDING A DARKIE! SHE LIK REBECCA GIBNEY LOLOLOLOL!!!11!!

Needless to say, the catchphrase during knock off time at The East last night was “HAY GUYZ IS THAT YOUR CUTE BLACK BABY?”. It punctuated most sentences. Awkward silences were now happily filled. And when references to “your cute black baby” got old, we were able to smoothly switch over and begin peppering our chitchat with “I didn’t know you were involved in an aid project!”

In short - MySpace is full of fuckwits who are wrong in the head. This is why it is my spiritual home.