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March 16, 2006
The Queen’s Thoughts On The Opening Ceremony (PICTORIAL EDITION)
MARVEL AT ME, I AM PUBLIC TRANSPORT WITH WINGS!
Public transport? One finds this concept foreign, confusing and foolish. NEXT! 
I am a sweet youth, holding a duck! It is symbolic!
One shoots ducks for fun. NEXT!
B..b..but… surely you find me quite adorable?
You are not fit to clean the bidets at Windsor Castle. NEXT! 
I am a charming marsupial AND a top mum! HAHAHA
Ones own mother is dead. NEXT! 
I am part-man, part-koala - and I am wearing y-fronts! And I’m tattooed!
………….. 
Look, we are dainty and add an element of class!
One has a ballet company of their own back home. NEXT! 
Get a fuckin’ dog up ya if you’re not prepared to enjoy our cultural display.
One would like this man shot, please. 
Done and done. Can I get a hell yeah?
No.
Oooh, I’m old but still running! I am a CHAMPION!
One resents your agility and zest for life. NEXT! 
We’re from one of the great African nations!
Look, Liz - they’re coloured! I mean, COLOURFUL!
You promised you’d be on your best behaviour, Philip. 
Aren’t our saris beautiful? We are exquisite.
I’ll have the chicken korma and a garlic naan. HAHAHAHA 
Oh for fuck’s sake, Phil. 
THIS IS THE BEST NIGHT EVS!
One is old and irritable and wants to go to bed.
This one goes out to my lover, Brian McFadden!
Who on earth is that?
The fat one from Ireland who used to be in Westlife, I think.
Oh. One does not approve of Brian McFadden. NEXT!
IT’S ALL OVER! NOW IT’S TIME FOR FIREWORKS, HUZZAH!
Thank goodness. One wants to go home at once and do wees. Damn this heathen backwater to Hades.
FIN
— Filed under Common
Comments
I do believe our wailings of 'Happy New Year' have caused my neighbours to dislike me so.
Posted by: ukulele | March 16, 2006 9:33 AM
Oh, this was GREAT (HAA x 5 @ "...if you're not prepared to enjoy our cultural display").
Posted by: Will from out of Fop. | March 16, 2006 9:55 AM
What on earth possessed this woman to turn my nanna's bedspread into a dress? Cockatoo feathers in the hat a nice touch though.
Posted by: Christine Keeler | March 16, 2006 10:02 AM
I'm with you Jess - COULD SHE HAVE LOOKED ANY LESS IMPRESSED TO BE THERE ?!?!?!
Posted by: Dxxxx | March 16, 2006 10:53 AM
While laughing and enthusiastically applauding Jess's accurate observations, I have to defend Her Maj. She is old and of course she doesn't want to be there. 'One has been doing one's duty for 50 years' fer chrissakes.
Posted by: brownie | March 16, 2006 11:09 AM
that nearly gave me an asthma attack I was laughing so hard!!!
Posted by: beccyboomstix | March 16, 2006 12:14 PM
Gold Jess Gold.
Posted by: Dan | March 16, 2006 12:35 PM
Quality stuff.
Posted by: James P. Wall | March 16, 2006 1:34 PM
Thanks, lovelies. It is always nice and much appreciated when both friends and strangers bother to comment. It makes the late night black coffee fuelled madness worth it.
And to top it off, Dave the Scotsman bought me brekky this morning. WOOOOOOOT!
Posted by: Jess | March 16, 2006 1:38 PM
Fantastic - thanks Jess. I missed the ceremony (China is not interested, apparently)... However, thanks to your entertaining and doubtlessly accurate account I feel as though I was there to witness the wonder.
Posted by: Briana | March 16, 2006 1:59 PM
Get yourself a closing ticket, Kylie will be there & we should crown her our new dancing "Queen".
Old sour puss, could Johnnie be a cousin? Both have nasty sour round faces & mean spirits.
5 Stars to Stevie (Bracks) for not succumbing to the old bitch's desire for her old hag song to be played, and for totally confusing deadbeat Phil and sour puss. Did you see her face finally cracked at the birthday song & Phil didn't know what to do sit/stand huh? Then when the song slipped into her awful save me bit, Queenie was left squatting & had to jump up. Big bonus points Bracksie for stumping/confusing/bewildering the windsor wankers. She should be ashamed, she should be ejected/deported for her severe sourness - jealous old hag trying to rain on our parade, she gets ringside seats for free & can't even smirk, throw lemons/grapefruits/& nasty sour lollies if you see the cow. Old suck face doesn't come to the closing does she (I have tickets)?
Posted by: kes | March 16, 2006 3:19 PM
Genius!
Posted by: Old Fart | March 16, 2006 5:41 PM
Given that the whole thing was pitched as a Leunig fairy story, having our very own spontaneously supplied self cleaning witch was a terrific bonus.
Pity she didn't throw a poisoned apple.
Posted by: david tiley | March 16, 2006 9:10 PM
Dammit. I write about 5,000 words on the opening ceremony, and you do this clever/original photo thing and throw in a few pithy comments, and you're about 7 zillion times funnier than me, with apparently half the effort.
kinda jealous
Wonderful stuff.
Posted by: jellyfish | March 16, 2006 11:07 PM
OMFG!!ROFL! i am dying here. funniest post on ausculture, EVER.
Posted by: elmo | March 17, 2006 10:37 AM
rosie o'donnell and i find this post extremely witty and side-splittingly hilarious.
LOL!
Posted by: la nadine | March 18, 2006 10:39 AM
came back for a second look and loved it just as much but this time I'm commenting to give you a spontaneous HELL YEAH xxx.
Posted by: fluffy | March 24, 2006 11:32 PM
This still kills me every time. Gold gold gold for Ausculture.
Posted by: Dan | October 5, 2006 5:44 PM