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March 15, 2006

Quick Thoughts Regarding Tonight’s Commonwealth Games Opening Ceremony

• Melbourne looks rather pretty. Huzzah for fireworks and lights and stuff!

• A FLYING MOTHERCHUCKING TRAM! It’s like The Wishing Chair, but run by Yarra Trams! Marvellous. OOOH I HOPE KYLIE EMERGES FROM THE TRAMS NOW OPEN DOORS!

• And from the bowels of the MCG and The Magical Flying Tram… it’s Melbourne’s ZANY citizens! And tram inspectors! And their make up made them look like extras from Night Of The Living Dead! No sign of Kylie.

• A fairy! And a young lad! With… a duck? Oooh, the fairy is flying!

• AND NOW THE BOY IS RIDING HIS SKATEBOARD INTO THE SKY LIKE MICHAEL J FOX IN BACK TO THE FUTURE!

• Hey, where’d the fairy go? She made him go airbourne and then pissed off - now he’s stuck!

• THANK CHRIST HE FOUND SOME ROPES IN THE SHAPE OF A TOWER TO GRAB ONTO BEFORE HE FELL OFF HIS SKATEBOARD!

• And now he’s unveiled a flag saying “HELP” - lucky he happened to be carrying that with him or who knows what would have happened?

• Some fucked up bootylicious koalas in underwear are trying to save him by rowing toward him in a giant thong. Erm, what? Still no sign of Kylie.

• TOO SLOW, STONER MARSUPIALS! He’s flying away on his own. Hang on, if he could fly without the aid of a skateboard the whole time, why the need for the HELP sign? I’m confused.

• Did Liz Hayes just say the boy has fallen into an abyss?

• An aboriginal gal rows through the air with an orb of knowledge. I think. Kylie is not on the orb-boat.

• Ballerinas and ThomasR (and friends) begin frolicking around the MCG.

• THE CHURCH! THE CHURCH! SINGING UNDER THE MILKY WAY TONIGHT! Wonderful!

• How do you top that?

• The Cat Empire? Are you fucking kidding? WHERE’S KYLIE?

• Here come the nations of the Commonwealth!

• GHANA MAKE YOU SWEAT!

• KENYA FEEL IT? KEN I GET A HELL YEAH?

• Etc.

• John Howard is such a fucking muppet.

• The Queen looks like she’s about to burst into tears. This is for your benefit, woman! Give us a smile at least! Maybe she just hates The Cat Empire?

• Prince Philip appears to be making eyes at female athletes.

• When will Kylie appear, please? WE WANT KYLIE! Elephant optional.

• Or Anthony Callea.

• Cathy and friends bring the baton to the Queen.

• The Queen makes a yawn-worthy speech. Still appears unable to smile.

• Delta sings. Genny B is hypnotised by Ms Goodrem’s appearance.

• Seriously, they need to get Jim Steinman to write the songs for opening ceremonies of all sporting events. The man behind Bat Out Of Hell and All Coming Back To Me Now would provide us with a suitable rock opera for such a shindig.

• FIREWORKS!

• Our opening ceremony viewing party (consisting of myself, Ukulele, SJX and Genny B) stand on the terrace and watch the pyro spectacular explode across the city skyline. Genny B, wrapped in the Australian flag, declares that Delta is “mystical” and then proceeds to shout across Fitzroy “FUCK THE POOR PEOPLE, WE WANT MORE FIREWORKS!

• Will Fop texts me “That was amazing! Serious!” and then minutes later, regarding Delta’s song - “I really did like her song… I suspect The Veronicas wrote her that… Monaco could take that to Eurovision and come top five…”

So there you have it. Despite Kylie not turning up (and really, there was nothing to suggest she would except the desperate hope of yours truly), it wasn’t too bad. Except for the rubbish bits. But pyrotechnics are always good, aren’t they? Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to organise a suitable wooing frock in order to land myself a potential husband from Team Guyana.