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March 1, 2006
Dancing With The Stars (And Other Important National Issues)
as reviewed by this morning’s cab driver.
TAXI DRIVER: Dancing Wif The Stars, eh? I tell you, bloody Molly Meldrum is a deadset idiot. They should make him take his hat off. Oh yeah. ‘Nuff of that bald shit. I said to him “Molly, you are a DEADSET IDIOT. You’re the biggest fucken idiot out there, and everyone knows..”
ME: You said this to Molly Meldrum? When?
TAXI DRIVER: Nah, this is what I WOULD say to ‘im. And I’d be like “Meldrum, take ya fucken hat off, you stupid prick.”
ME: I see.
TAXI DRIVER: Simone Warne, geeeeeeeez. She’s not lookin’ for a boyfriend or nothin’, she juss wants to dance.
ME: Does she now?
TAXI DRIVER: Oh yeah. (whistles) But I tell you what, they’re gonna have to be fucken careful wif her.
ME: Why’s that?
TAXI DRIVER: Mate, if that fucken idiot judge starts on her, oh yeah. (whistles) They’ll be in trouble. Mate, if they think Shane Warne won’t come down there and fucken sort ‘em out, they’re kiddin’ themselves. Shane, mate, Shane won’t fucken like it if they start pickin’ on Simone. He’ll fucken take ‘em all out, no worries. After the fucken year she’s had, mate. You’d be a fucken mongrel to have a go.
ME: Yes.
TAXI DRIVER: Oh yeah. (whistles) And that bloke they got dancin’ wif her? Maaate, you ever seen that movie XXX?
ME: Yes.
TAXI DRIVER: NO, NOT THAT MOVIE! NOT THAT MOVIE!
ME: Okay.
TAXI DRIVER: The one wif… the bloke, big bloke.
ME: XXX?
TAXI DRIVER: Yeah. Mate, I reckon this bloke dancin’ wif Simone must be his bruvver, they look that fucken much alike. Bloody shoulders out to here (gestures with both hands, vehicle careers across road alarmingly) and bald, mate. Absolutely fucken bald like Vin Diesel. Anyway, mate - if they started on Simone, they wouldn’t just have to worry about Warney. Nah, this bloke, he’d fucken start layin’ into ‘em, don’t matter who’s in the road. (knowing chuckle).
TAXI DRIVER: Dicko was great when he was on the bloody show. He could dance, that bloke. Aww geeez, he was good.
ME: I heard that.
TAXI DRIVER: (ditching the topic of Dicko unexpectedly) The thing about Kate is, if that fucken idiot judge started up on her, mate - she’d just throw the microphone at him. Oh yeah. (whistles) Cos he wouldn’t just be takin’ her on, nah. He’d be taking on NOVA and all the radio stations.
ME: Indeed.
TAXI DRIVER: Who’s that fucken dipshit judge again?
ME: Todd McKenney?
TAXI DRIVER: Yeah, him. Mate, what a fucken tool. The way he got stuck into… little… you know… the… umm…
ME: Nikki Webster?
TAXI DRIVER: Fucken dreadful. Dreadful! Now, Vin Diesel, he wouldn’t take that shit. Him and Warney’d clean him up. That’d teach him a fucken lesson.
ME: I’m sure it would.
TAXI DRIVER: Tracey Bartram is six foot free, you know.
ME: No, I didn’t know.
TAXI DRIVER: If that fucken idiot judge started on her… Oh yeah. (whistles and then chuckles) She’d fucken clean him up no worries.
(someone on talk back radio mentions John Howard)
TAXI DRIVER: Fucken idiot.
(Alexander Downer’s voice can be heard)
TAXI DRIVER: And as for this fucken poonce, christ all fucken mighty.
ME: Not a fan of Downer then?
TAXI DRIVER: Mate, he fucken goes to the end of the fucken earth to get some sixty free year ol’ wif a dodgy ticker out of Iraq, BUT HE LEAVES POOR BLOODY SCHAPPELLE TO ROT!
ME: Mmmm.
TAXI DRIVER: Now, here’s what they should do. They should get that bloke who killed them six kids in Mildura, put him on a fucken plane to Denspazar and fucken just swap him. Give him to the Indos and get Schappelle home.
ME: (not entirely certain the Indonesian legal system would find this proposal feasible) Right. That would be… interesting.
TAXI DRIVER: Fucken right it’d be inneresting. It’d do Downer some good.
ME: Is he going too?
TAXI DRIVER: Yeah, that sounds like a good idea actually! Chuck Downer and Howard in wif the bloke who killed the six kids and get Schappelle home, that’s a pretty fucken decent plan! (guffaws at own cleverness).
FIN.
Posted by Jess at March 1, 2006 10:29 AM— Filed under Common
Comments
That's GREAT. God I love taxi drivers.
Posted by: Tuppence | March 1, 2006 10:49 AM
Shit. All I get out of my cab drivers is whether or not it's been a busy night.
Posted by: rach | March 1, 2006 10:50 AM
I wish Vin Diesel, Warney, Bartram and that would fucken get stuck into Daryl fucken Somers...teach him a fucken lesson, they fucken would. Specially if they fucken put him on a fucken plane to Channel fucken 10 and fucken swapped 'im for one of them fucken fat fucks on the Biggest Fucken Loser...that's a pretty fucken decent plan! (guffaws at own cleverness)
xoxo nora (fucken)
Posted by: nora | March 1, 2006 11:38 AM
You lot are lucky I left out his special spiel against Eddie McGuire. Fucken vicious, it was.
Of course, other than the insane unprompted rambling, the ferocious clumps of hair protruding from his nostrils and his tendency to finish all sentences with a loud burp, I found him utterly charming.
Posted by: Jess | March 1, 2006 11:42 AM
Gold.
I do think we need episode 2, the Eddie Chronicle.
I was quite taken by his use of "deadset"- what an underutilized gem of the Aussie vernacular it is.
Posted by: morgan | March 1, 2006 12:12 PM
Gold Indeed!
You should have signed him straight up for random guest posts Jess, absolute genius!!
Posted by: Dxxxx | March 1, 2006 12:17 PM
Is it wrong that I agree with pretty much everything he said?
And as for McKenney - his time will come. Oh yes, his time will come.
sharpens Bowie knife
Posted by: jellyfish | March 1, 2006 12:23 PM
But Simone can't dance. Fo shizzle.
Posted by: ukalele | March 1, 2006 12:53 PM
I insist that you include a weekly segment called Conversations with Cab Drivers. Do it. Do it.
(pauses for emphasis)
Do it.
Posted by: krankiboy | March 1, 2006 1:59 PM
In Melbourne you say? He sounds EXACTLY like several former drinking companions at the Davilak Tavern in South Fremantle.
Churlish rude-growing boar-pig!
Posted by: Christine Keeler | March 1, 2006 2:38 PM
In Melbourne you say? He sounds EXACTLY like several recent drinking companions at the Davilak Tavern in South Fremantle.
Thou yeasty reeling-ripe barnacle!
Posted by: Christine Keeler | March 1, 2006 2:46 PM
I ENJOYED THIS VERY MUCH.
Posted by: Fop | March 1, 2006 4:24 PM
Sounds like a keeper that one, I hope you got his number!
Posted by: MedusA | March 1, 2006 5:31 PM
I need to catch more fucken cabs in order to keep up with fucken current affairs.
Posted by: fluffy | March 1, 2006 7:09 PM
Tradin' Corby for Downer sounds like a winnah to me.
Whatever happened to that chick who used to run the One Nation Party. Did she ever win? Lame dancer, that's for shoah.
Posted by: Mike B) | March 2, 2006 1:41 AM