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February 14, 2006

More Love Than You Can Poke A Stick At *

Ah yes, readers - it’s that time of year again. Prepare yourselves for an onslaught of crudely constructed - and perhaps if you’re very lucky, just plain crude - text message pictures, gooey declarations of love between people with names like Pumpkin Bum and Poobear in the papers, and as far as the eye can see there’ll be acne-speckled adolescents frantically tonguing each other on street corners as heart-shaped balloons on sticks and wilting single roses stick awkwardly out of the school bags they hastily discarded at their feet when the hormones struck.

Today will be the first time since 2000 that I’ve been sans paramour on Valentines Day. After a brief investigation of single lady blogs from across the globe, I have discerned that this means through out this February 14th, I must flick between feeling burning rage toward anyone in a happy relationship to crushing depression and loneliness. My melodramatic Piscean side is literally doing backflips of joy at the prospect. AN EXCUSE TO DRINK TOO MUCH AND PASS OUT WHILE LISTENING TO WHISKEYTOWN RECORDS? Ow, stop twisting my arm!

I jest, of course. Besides, I was never much good at being squired by lads. Whenever I’ve received a bunch of flowers from a boy in the past, my immediate reaction has not been “Oh my goodness, how sweet, for me? Lover, you shouldn’t have - but I am so glad you did!” but rather “Where’d you get these from? Did you buy them? You can tell me if you just found them somewhere. I don’t mind. No really. So you bought these for me? (narrowing of eyes) And why these flowers? You know, if it was someone’s birthday at the office and they let you take home the flower arrangement, just spit it out. DON’T INSULT MY INTELLIGENCE, WHY WOULD YOU BUY ME FLOWERS? HUH?”

Despite being single, I have high hopes for today. My fingers are still crossed that Kevin Federline will send out a MySpace bulletin referencing the “fiya” in his heart for all his fans. And if Bec Cartwright bangs out a poem and shoots it round - well, needless to say I WILL FALL OVER AND DIE OF HAPPINESS.

Until then - have a wonderful\exquisite\at the very least tolerable Valentines Day, dearest readers! Much, much love to all the clever, generous, intelligent and sexy people who have made my first five months in Melbourne a sheer delight. And much inappropriate cyber interstate love to all the spunks back in Sydney - I miss you desperately but am too poor to visit so COME DOWN HERE.

xx

*And she’d probably let you, too.

VD TALLY UPDATE

1 x card in the mail (from Fluffy - probably the only Valentine I’ll ever recieve which contains the word ‘cunty’. Thank you my dearest girl!)
1 x picture text from Vodafone (A CORPORATION WITH HEART, AWW ETC)
1 x comment on MySpace profile from BEC FUCKING CARTWRIGHT (WOOOO YEAH CAN YOU FEEL IT?)