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January 16, 2006

Disturbing Google Search Phrases X

After months of waiting for a sufficiently ridiculous collection of search phrases to appear in our stats report, the day has finally come to unveil the latest batch of foolishness.

Are you excited? Are you on edge? Are you on the verge of letting some wee slip out because you’re anticipating a veritable goldmine of web-related insanity?

(adopts husky transsexual-sounding voice)

COME INTO MY DEN SAID THE SPIDER… ET CETERA!

As always, I am mightily afeard that I’ll never be able to meet your comedic expectations but to paraphrase Peaches and the great Iggy Pop, let’s kick it kick it kick it regardless…

jon bon jovi jealous of tom cruise
Of course he is, Tom. We all are. That uppity Brooke Shields bitch most of all.

“safeway’s new registers”
“safeway has new registers”
“the new cash registers”
“the old cash resgisters”
“the young cash registers”
“the young professionals”
Quite an intense series of searches, and all from the same person! But I must say, I am slightly confused. Am I to believe Melbourne rock hotties Young Professionals are now working at Safeways? Are they impressed with the new equipment the store now has? Are Lorelei, Hannah and Gil starting yet another supergroup, this time called The Old Cash Resgisters? Or are they simply contemplating a change of band moniker, perhaps to the ultra-catchy and very hip Safeway Has New Registers? Ouch. That’d be my brain imploding.

google nipple slip
Ooo and indeed errr, it seems everyone’s favourite search engine has had a “wardrobe malfunction”! How would that work

‘breathtaking inanity’
You hit the right site, motherchucker.

‘gay locations’
In Australia? Well, Bajool sounds to me like something which’d ooze from an orifice post-coitus, Wimmera is a little too close to Rimmera as far as I’m concerned, and don’t even get me started on Cockburn.

‘i find it hard to believe that sarah jessica parker has not been mentioned once on this site since it started’
‘i mean what is wrong with you’
There is something nice about ausculture.com readers using the search feature to give us some feedback. Rest assured that I plan on rectifying this situation as soon as humanly possible - how does a whole WEEK dedicated to SJP, James Wilkie and Matthew Broderick related posts sound? Too much, too late?

penelope keith naked
I can honestly say that I desperately long to see Penny’s bits am shocked and appalled that there are people out there who wish to see the charming and quaint star of wonderful British sitcoms like To The Manor Born and The Good Life in her birthday suit. For god’s sake, people, can there be at least one A-list celebrity spared from our feverish desire to objectify the rich and successful? No? Oh, fair enough. Get your tits out, Penelope, quick sticks.

kevin federline gay
The only time that man withdraws his penis from a lady’s special place is to play a round of golf whilst showing off his appalling wardrobe. He’s either incredibly in denial or this is just some passionately wishful thinking from Tom Cruise a lusty homosexual exploring cyberspace.

jess’s carp games
Ahh, I see you’ve heard of my hilarious remake of the game “Fish”. You say “Go Fish!” and then instead of picking up a new card, you thwack your opposition over the head with a carp! IT’S FUN FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY! Oh, never mind.

we will suck you
Hmmm. Perhaps we should change our blog’s tagline. It should not only garner us a zillion more hits, it’ll keep our friends over at ABC 774 as disgusted as ever with the site.

hello big brother fuck you
You’re a few months too early, and in any case, you KNOW you don’t mean it. The show’ll start, we’ll loathe everyone who goes into the house and constantly make derogatory remarks about them and then before you know it, we’ll find ourselves tragically addicted. YET AGAIN. We might as well embrace it. Besides, there’s a chance that this year there’ll be, oh… how should I put this? Some very interesting contestants.

thick jellay porn star
NO! NO! NO! I know Maurie’s passed, Val - but porn? At your age? I am deeply saddened. And sure, she might have a few more curves than she did in her hey day, but geeez, Google searcher! There’s no need to throw around the insults! After all, you’re the one planning on spunking over her photograph!

10 signs you suck in bed
(1). There’s a cock in your mouth.
(2 - 10). See (1)

hello all you lip reading fuckers, john mayer
Angry at both his back catalogue and continuing rumours he once stuck his mutton dagger into eternally loathsome ex-Party Of Fiver Jennifer Love Hewitt, John Mayer has begun getting more and more surly in his greetings to the fools who attend his concerts. Still, picking on the deaf seems both harsh and foolhardy. Surely they’re the only ones who can truly appreciate his musical gifts?

gay leprechaun
Yes, what of Anthony?

what happened to paris and nicole
DIDN’T I TELL YOU ALL THE STORY? It involves a Los Angeles criminal type, the guy who does the Girls Gone Wild videos, a dildo, a robbery and taped footage of Paris referring to a few African Americans walking by her as “niggers”. Supposedly.

how much people sit in front of the televesion rather than pick up a book
I don’t know but I suspect they’d still be able to spell “television”.

was fergie of the black eyed peas a prostitute
I am unable to confirm or deny such rumours. However, a few years of constant rodgering may have battered away at her downstairs area enough to explain her inability to control her bladder whenever she’s on stage. You be the judge.

how ugly is wayne rooney
Pretty fucking ugly.

wayne rooney naked
Please see above.

what is the scientific name for bitch
Bronnius Bishopus.

john howard sexy
I sincerely hope there are two gay porn stars named John and Howard out there and it is in fact sexy photos of these two “in flagrant” that our dear Google Searcher is seeking on the interweb. Otherwise I may just gouge out my eyes with a red hot poker at the thought of the Australian Prime Minister bending over and showing us his nutsack whilst looking over his shoulder and sucking on his finger in a saucy manner.

katie loves having sex with tom
Back again, Mister Cruise? Thanks for sharing. If you believe it, we’ll belie… well, we won’t but we’ll certainly smile and nod in a condescending manner whenever you’re around then mouth the words “closet case” once your back is turned.

happy new year nicknames
Get. Fucked. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t take this out on you but since New Year, my previously adorable pet name amongst chums has been hastily discarded and replaced with ‘Richie Benaud’. And I will continue to insist till the day I die that I have never, ever resembled Richie Benaud, I don’t care how hungover and in a world of hurt I might have been on January 1st, 2006.

richard wilkins bio
Born in New Zealand. Satan sent him to Australia and onto our television sets.Spent the last thirty years throwing his potent sperm around with Federline-esque abandon. Should be shot on sight. Fin.

‘Schlock N’ Hyperbole Wrestling Bonanza After-Party’
I have no idea what this is related to but I think it’s just inspired the theme of my upcoming 25th birthday celebrations.

‘why did you leave me’
Things just weren’t working out, you know? We’re two different people. I am wonderful and alluring and witty and endearing, and you, Samazan? You have the intelligence of a badger with severe concussion and a rather obvious disinterest in all matters relating to personal hygiene. I’m sorry, but you’ve just got to let “us” go. It was a one-off. Truth be told, I was replaying an episode of Micallef Tonight in my head the whole time. Heh, that Amity Dry-Lighthouse sketch. Gets me every time.

‘sexually transmitted disease as the hell-bound kids who spend their afternoons did’
Fascinating and confusing. Possibly a good title for a future Cannibal Corpse song, too.

‘Almighty Latin King Gino Colon was stabbed 2 death yesterday at 8:30pm ‘
There’s an Latin member of royalty known as Gino Colon? And ol’ King Colon was stabbed to death? This strikes me as a gripping beginning to a grisly crime novel and if no one else is willing to pen it, I shall step forth and run with it.

‘Pics of Andrew G and James M’
OH GOD PLEASE MAY THEY HAVE MADE THE SEX AND PHOTOGRAPHED IT AND PUT IT ONLINE SOMEWHERE.

“I don’t want to get bitter”
And yet you are, aren’t you? Curled up at home, hating the world and everyone in it. Flinging around accusations of bastardry and betrayal like it were going out of fashion. You need to let go and feel the love. Step outside, smell the roses and a whole heap of other cliches. Promise me you’ll try, okay?

I want to stand with you on a moutain
‘Moutain’ is French for ‘a pile of crushed Savage Garden records’. I too want to stand on a moutain, Google Searcher. Is next weekend good for you? I’ll be wearing a pink t-shirt and clutching a copy of What’s Happening To My Body? Dress Your Family In Corduroy And Denim.

‘pleais sexe yas’
This is the most common chat up line muttered into the ears of Parisians at discotheques, just so you know. Say it, Frenchie, say it loud and clear! PLEAIS SEXE YAS! I think I’m going to get this made into a t-shirt and it can join the hoodie I had knocked up which is emblazoned with my previous adored slogan - “Taste My Muff”.

‘the night santa went crazy’
Somewhere in the world on December 25th, a small child woke early and wandered out into the family room only to discover phrases like “ELVES GET FUCKED”, “MRS CLAUS IS A FRIGID BITCH” and “THE REAL NORTH POLE IS IN MY PANTS LOL” written in faeces on the walls, several bored looking reindeers chewing at the scattered remains of presents under the tree and a chubby man dressed only in red underwear surrounded by bottles of Jim Beam and half-conscious near the front door lying in a pool of his own vomit. BUT WHEN WILL THEY MAKE A TIM ALLEN TELEMOVIE ON THE NASTY SIDE OF SANTA, I ASK YOU? I’ve had a gutful of the white-washing that goes on during the festive season.

‘missy higgins missy elliott which one is which’
You know, to this day I am still unable to tell the difference. They do have a lot in common, that’s for sure.

‘from simple throat fucking up to dirty double and triple orgies! these babes don’t care! they are ready for everything! they are sleeping and the only thing that matters for them at the moment is their dream! and they really think that this whole mess happening to them is one lewd nightmare! that’s what they think! join them right now!’
Is it the excessive detail which leads me to adore this search query with all my heart and soul? Is it the enthused use of exclamation marks? Is it because he references a ‘lewd nightmare’ which sounds both frightening and arousing? Oh lord. It’s all of it. That it leads our excitable chum to ausculture.com is simply a bonus.

treating gonorrheae sydney
Best to get it sorted before you attend Grogblogging, I says. Very responsible. I applaud you.

how to handle female rival
Punch her. That’s what I always do, and I picked up that handy hint from Courtney Love’s Guide To Socialising. Works a charm.

massive tits in bendigo
Is there only one pair? Do they belong to Kate DeArugao?

congratulaltions signs
Lyle was given one simple job to do before the North Hopskinville Adult Education Centre’s Conquering Dyslexia 101 graduates held their end of year party - make the banner. Needless to say once the lights were switched on, it was immediately obvious to all and sundry that somehow, someway, Lyle had cheated his way into his High Distinction.

biggest cunts in world
Still in power till at least 2007, I’m afraid.

len steal my sunshine
‘STEAL MY SUNSHINE’ IS THE WORST FUCKING SONG IN THE WORLD AND ANY BAND THAT SPELLS OUT THE WORD ‘L-A-T-E-R’ IN ORDER TO STRETCH OUT A VERSE DESERVE TO HAVE EASILY IRRITABLE ANIMALS WITH CLAWS AND TEETH JAMMED INTO THEIR RECTUM.

muppets fucking
They split up, I’m afraid. So that’s the end of that.

ways to masterbate and items to shove in your vagina
Quite simply, the only limit is your imagination and your pain threshold. That’s what Paris Hilton told me, and as far as shoving things up vadges is concerned, that woman is the fucking Dalai Lama.

So there you have it. Until next time, folks.

PS: Look! We’re up to our TENTH REPORT in the series! Is this like a birthday? Should we get presents or something? Oh, just buy me a beer sometime and we’ll call it even stevens.