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November 22, 2004

The Australian Idol Final Wrap

So, here we are. It’s been a long and winding journey, but we’re finally here at last - the Idol Final! Warning - this post is extremely long - see how much we love you guys? Personally I’d print it out and read it on your lunch break\Christmas holidays, but you do whatever you’re comfortable with. I figured the easiest way to summarise the night is relaying the ack-shun in chronological order. It’s mostly nonsense, idiocy and a fair few “Good God, why?”-s, but surely that’s what you’ve come to expect from ausculture.com? So let’s kick things off - seven minutes late, since I was distracted by a hardcore backyard game of Dodgy Bocce and didn’t realise it had started. Gulp.

7:37pm I’ve walked in the room to see Angela Bishop on screen. An ominous start. She’s going to be hanging out in Bankstown with the Casey Crew, and knowing Angela Bishop the way I do (which is “not at all”, thankfully), methinks she’ll be gutted at having missed a chance to slum around at the Opera House bothering semi-celebrities with witless banter.

7:40pm Our first performer for the night is… Laurence Sorbello? I’m sorry, did we forget that he ended up being quite rubbish? Laurence is all cowboy’d up, riding his oversized guitar (or is he just undersized?) down the steps of the Opera House while singing Lee Kernaghan’s anthem “Boys From The Bush” or whatever the hell it’s called. Terrible song when Kernaghan sings it - but Laurence defies popular belief and manages to make it sound worse. Don’t get me wrong, Laurence seems like a lovely bloke - but do we really need pseudo-Nashville wailings to kick off tonight’s proceedings? I sort of wish he’d sung Adam Brand’s “Dirt Track Cowboy” which would have made me giggle senselessly like most things which can be taken in a homosexual way do. Incidentally, is Laurence Sorbello actually Idol host James’ long lost twin, who was sadly deprived of nutrients in the womb due to a greedy Mr Mathison? Food for thought. If you’re an idiot.

7:42pm We see footage of Casey rolling onto Anthony in a hotel room and for a minute there, I’m sure thousands of teen girls fear for the Italian Stallion’s safety. Is this the first documented case of attempted murder in order to win an Idol competition? Somewhere in the crowd, Cosima DeVito is kicking herself for not thinking of it first and makes a mental note to join her local rifle club. Better late than never, eh Cosima?

7:46pm After a short ad break (the first of thousands), we are shown a delightful recap of the audition process. Starting with Melbourne, we get to see the best and the worst including Flynn and finalist Anthony - I’ll leave it to you to work out which category each belongs in. God, Anthony’s improved since he originally auditioned! He looked like he’d dipped himself in Vaseline before going in to see the judges - and the mullet! Sheeeezus!

Next up - Tamworth. We see the delightful Ngaiire Joseph and are reminded of the Top Twelve miscarriage of justice which saw Ngaiire booted from the competition. Onto Canberra where we meet a young blonde newlywed called Hayley - and she doesn’t get in! Chin up, girly - Marcia “fought for you, and will always fight for you, sister girlfriend.”

The Brisbane auditions introduce us to the “classless” (according to Dicko) Yasmine Dia and the fabulous Ricki-Lee Coulter. Oh Ricki-Lee, we all know you should be on the stage tonight as a finalist. Damn you, frighteningly unknown band The Beatles! Adelaide’s auditions turn up Emelia Rusciano, and Tassie gives us a sobbing Amali Ward. She really did improve by the end, didn’t she? Perth is a goldmine of talent, supplying the competition not only with Courtney Murphy and the Duffy sisters, but that adorable young bloke who wanted to turn “every song into a musical number”. Darwin coughs up Laurence “Lonestar” Sorbello and the chickie who wasn’t “a fucken diva”. Sydney supplies us with the majority of Top Twelve contestants, with Chanel, Daniel Belle, Marty, Hayley (again), Casey and Angie bursting into the national consciousness at the auditions.

7:53pm Andrew G bonds with the crowd as he introduces another clip package - this time full of people who were shit the Unforgettable’s. Naturally, they save the most popular shit Unforgettable for last - Flynn! Bless him.

7:55pm Here he is, ladies and gentlemen - Flynn live on stage! Totally rockin’, dude. And I love how he’s adopted Anthony’s blowjob fingers trumpet hands mic technique.

7:58pm James Mathison mumbles something, and my dear friend Ol Shirley remarks that Mathison is “a marble-mouthed buffoon”. Touché.

7:59pm We see a clip package of Ngaiire’s “journey”. Remember, Idol is all about journeys, especially the “long and winding” sort. Then she appears on stage, and for some bizarre reason, the producers feel the need to flash her name across the telly in ker-razy font! I just wish they hadn’t made her sing “No More Drama” - it’s okay, but I would have preferred any other of her Idol song choices.

8:01pm Andrew G joins Ngaiire onstage after her performance and talks about Ronald McDonald House. I am listening and caring, believe me, but for the first time ever I’m actually finding his hair so girly as to be utterly distracting. Something must be done. We see the Idol finalists serving up fries at Macca’s, and I regretfully wonder which of the Top Twelve will end up actually having to do that for real once the Idol shine wears off. Cue ad break.

8:06pm We’re back to some pre-recorded footage of Anthony and Casey whoring Delta’s album for her. I thought the ad breaks were over?

8:08pm Urgh - cheese factor ahoy! Carlos, Ngaiire, Barry Southgate, Adrian and Liza hop onstage to sing “Celebration” - cause, see, tonight’s a celebration! It’s so apt! Carlos still looks like he got into a fight with a Gilette razor - and lost. I must admit I’d forgotten about Liza, though I did quite like her as I recall. Adrian has become a funked up brother, and has possibly lost some weight. I still find it hard to believe he was in a boy band though. Barry continues his Idol legacy as The Good Looking One Who Should Hush And Take His Shirt Off, Right Marcia? and Ngaiire continues being the little dynamo we know and love. After the song finishes, Andrew G joins the Cheese Crew onstage and as he’s saying “If that song didn’t get your party started at home…” I find myself leaning in towards the telly and wailing “Yes, Andrew? What? Tell us what to do, Andrew! We’re desperate here!”

8:11pm Bless - the Unforgettable’s now take the stage and perform “Shake Your Groove Thang”. One of our Idol watching posse asks “Are we going to see every loser? Can we expect contestant #45621 who didn’t make the Top 100 to appear tonight?” and I regret that it’s actually a pretty reasonable question.

8:19pm And now a Joel Turner flashback. Mark hearts Joel, we see. And Mark also hearts beatboxers. Which works out really well since here comes…

8:21pm THE BEATBOX ALLIANCE! DON’T YOU JUST WANT TO WET YOUR PANTS WITH WEE IN EXCITEMENT?! They arrive onstage very hyped up, and I wonder this is an unofficial audition for Wu-Tang Clan in the wake of Ol’ Dirty Bastard’s death? Ol Shirley yells “South Central Bankstown” at the television in joyful anticipation. For some reason (and you know, I dig the kids, I really do) I feel slightly embarrassed for them but I’m not sure why. Perhaps I have that old school fear of faux-ghetto posturing. Marcia - that’s what I’m talkin’ bout!

8:28pm An ad break - and can I ask, why is the HCF woman so squinty and aroused? Surely signing up for medical insurance on the internet isn’t that erotic?

8:29pm And we’re back. Time to meet The Mums! They look appropriately wonderful and chuffed. Awwwww.

8:30pm Now let us reflect on the wonderful Top Thirty. God, I miss Ricki-Lee. And Amali. Chanel’s History Repeating really was divine, and even Emelia wasn’t too bad after all even though she really did look like Pauline Hanson that infamous night. We see Anthony perform The Prayer on the Idol’s Choice week - he never really topped that, did he? And there’s the sweet, lovable, Dido-esque Hayley - I really did find her likable. After all that, I can’t quite believe Anthony and Casey ended up being our finalists, but that’s the way the cookie crumbles.

8:35pm Time for Marcia to perform to the crowd outside the Opera House… and she’s stolen Chanel’s signature beginning move, The Silhouette! Ms Hines is backed up by the earlier mentioned Cheese Crew. A little too much camel toe in this performance for my liking, but let’s be fair - Marcia does look feckin’ great for her age.

8:41pm Another ad break. I’m SO going to watch The World’s Strongest Boy, by the way.

8:43pm The atmosphere is electric - Casey and Anthony arrive! What is Casey wearing - a sari, complete with nose-couture? Huh? Anthony does look cute, for a 3ft little fellow. They slowly make their way up the Opera House stairs while Andrew G and James do some inane commentary. Someone in the crowd is in severe denial and is holding up a “Go Ricki-Lee” sign - I know how they feel.

8:50pm Fireworks are pretty, I agree. But let’s wind it up and get on with it, shall we?

8:51pm … and it’s wound up. The finalists arrive on stage to the sound of suitably awe-inspiring hero music (from The Best Of Elevator Music Volume IV, if you’re interested in buying it). Seriously Casey, a sari? God Anthony is tiny.

8:55pm Time for a half hour wankathon about how brilliant the judges are, followed on with some footage of their arguments (my favourite part!) Sniffle. It’s just not going to be the same next year without Dicko. He really will be missed - I wonder who they’ll get to fill in? Perhaps that crap guy from Popstars Live who sang Wild Wild West back in 1874?

9:01pm Dicko thanks Australia on behalf of his family for having them here. Aww, no worries champy. If you like, we can give Mark Holden to England as some sort of permanent exchange program. Lemme know.

9:02pm Please welcome the Top Twelve for Medleyfest 2004! Angie kicks some big mamma booty singing Aretha’s “Chains” and once again, I wish she’d stuck with soul-ish stuff in the competition rather than attempting Farnsey. Dan “Melted Cassette Tape” O’Connor offers up The Screaming Jet’s “Better”. Mute. Ahhh, that’s better. Lick. Ooooh, here comes the adorable little Amali singing Joss Stone’s “Some Kind Of Wonderful” - my fave Amali song choice evuh. She and Ricki-Lee are my picks as this year’s Actual Idols. Emelia “Amateur Hour” Rusciano (thanks for the top name, Will!) does Dusty, then Daniel Belle belts out “You Raised Me Up”. Somebody watched The Wog Boy recently, didn’t they, Daniel? Curls do get the girls! Now Ricki-Lee - oh babes, we needed you so much in the final few weeks. Your Proud Mary kicks eleven different kinds of arse. Marty poses his way through Huey Lewis & The News. Shame, I was starting to like him after weeks of not having to watch him sing on stage. Chanel looks resplendent though she sounds a bit iffy but hey, we know she’s excellent so back off alright? For some reason they make Hayley sing the most comical of all her song choices, Killing Heidi’s “Weir” - and they’ve even given her the ratty “rawk” hair! Courtney’s Sgt Pepper outfit looks rather incongruous on stage, especially since he’s not actually singing a Beatles song.

9:08pm And now the group join together to blast out the old Rugby League favourite “Good Times”. Highlights include Marty releasing at least three weeks of pent up posing, bless.

9:09pm On the upside, Casey ditched the sari. Good choice.

9:10pm Gratuitous Judge Check In! Holden blathers something about Anthony & Cleopatra being on stage. Rightio, Marky! Meanwhile, Marcia’s ESP-based vote counting technique (invented by Legion Interactive during the last Big Brother) leads her to inform us that voting is extremely close.

9:13pm Some video footage now of the Top Twelve reminiscing about living with Casey and Anthony. All fairly stock standard - Casey is messy, Anthony ate chocolate, etc - until…

9:14pm HA! Courtney, Daniel Belle and Marty get on their knees (no, not how you think, surprisingly) and pretend to be Anthony’s midget clones - and then take the absolute piss out of his laugh! Gold!

9:19pm After another commercial break, we see footage of Casey’s fans putting in their two cents. The Prawn Lady, The Girl With Half An Afro, Half A Braid and the Toothless Guy In Trackies are adorable although possibly not the best advert for Blacktown.

9:20pm And now Casey’s “journey” recapped. Re-watching her audition piece, I think back to how unlikely it seemed all those months ago that a surly teen in ratty clothing would ever make the Top 100, let alone the final. Till she opened her mouth, of course, then it became quite obvious there was something underneath the teen angst demeanour. The footage really hammers home my desire to see Casey win - her “journey” just seems more interesting and, dare I say it, special. Anthony simply doesn’t seem to have grown as obviously as Casey during the competition.

9:26pm Another cross to Angela Bishop in Bankstown - WHY? Bankstown’s mayor declares that the entire city loves her - bless. Housemate Poinaa comments that there’ll be “no more drive by shootings outside Casey’s house for at least a week as a reward!” Evil. I laughed.

9:27pm Time for Casey to sing - and they’ve chosen that Tina Arena song about a wheel that I didn’t particularly care for very much.

9:35pm Now it’s time to meet Anthony’s fans. One particularly dapper gent declares “Anthony, he’s good looking. Like me.” Some serious denial going on in Anthony’s home town.

9:36pm Here’s Anthony’s “journey” footage. Hmmmph. I note I’ve been spelling his name incorrectly for the entire Idol Blogging period. C-A-L-L-E-A. Christ, he had terrible hair when he auditioned! They show my favourite Anthony moment - remember when they were doing the Rolling Stone shoot, and the Marcia-esque randy woman there was all “You’re a Mediterranean Sex God! Take your pants off!” and he replied “I’m not a Mediterranean Sex God, I’m a short little wog!” - hahaha. Bless him to bits. At this point, I am beginning to question the power of Blair-itis - he could very well win this, as most of the punters believe. I wonder what song they’ll choose for Anthony to finally perform? They’ve chosen some rubbish songs for everyone else, so perhaps he’ll be stuck with his homoerotic rendition of Car Wash?

9:41pm Anthony reveals his nonna came over the night before and splashed him with Holy Water - how utterly Roman-Catholic and excellent!

9:42pm We cross to Anthony’s old school where Video Hits presenter Axle Whitehead chats to Anthony’s old chum Johnny Young. He looks rather old these days, doesn’t he? Not like when I saw him back at the Young Talent Time ‘88 concert at the Entertainment Centre! Sigh. I remember when Craig McLachlan got on stage with Check 1-2 and performed Mona and I swore black and blue that he waved just at me, all the way back in Row W. Oooh, sorry about the flash back. On with the show.

9:44pm The Prayer, eh? How convenient.

9:47pm Anthony - always very moved by his own performance. It was faultless, admittedly, and he really does look the Idol part on stage - a Dolly Magazine reader’s wet dream. James Mathison promises us that he’ll reveal “Straya’s” verdict after the break. We’ve heard that before!

9:52pm After another ad break, we get to see some video footage of various stars giving us their opinions on this year’s Idol. Kylie Minogue sends her best wishes, because I’m sure she’s watched every episode, though I note she resists mentioning anyone by name. Goodness, you’d almost think she didn’t know or give a shit about any of the finalists?! More slebs give their thoughts. Sharon Strezlecki aka Magda Subanski gets a massive cheer from the crowd.

9:53pm Shannon Noll chats to James. Yawn.

9:55pm Another check in with Axle in Melbourne. Good lord, he’s a bit of a Ploog, isn’t he?

9:56pm And now the third Angela Bishop appearance on my screen. Surely that’s a breach of some sort of U.N convention? Where’s Dubya’s gungho military strikes when you need them? Casey’s cousin’s chat to Bronwyn Jnr and they do a special rap for her - Eminem can rest easy. Although credit where it’s due - rhyming “mouse” with “Opera House” is a stroke of genius.

10:01pm Tina Arena gives props to Anthony and Casey. As does Steve Irwin (?) and Nick Giannopolousnesspous from The Wog Boy. Delta gives the top two contestants some advice although surprisingly “Avoid writing songs about The Poo that involve garden metaphors” isn’t included.

10:03pm The Top Twelve sing a medley again - starting with a Gregorian chant version of the Men At Work classic “Down Under”. Why? They follow this on with Savage Garden’s “I Believe” and once again - why? Deadset worst lyrics ever. Who chose the songs tonight, eh? Erana? Foreman? Someone must pay!

Thankfully, Savage Garden is abandoned in favour of The Easy Beats “Friday On My Mind” which you can just tell Courtney adores singing. Marty, stop posing! Why this constant need to touch the ground and bob up and down? The ladies step forward and do some “Pleasure and Pain” though if you’re going to do Divinyls, you should always choose the excellent I Touch Myself.

What’s this? Anthony vs Casey in a Duet To The Death? No, it’s just the beginning of Playing To Win which everyone eventually joins in on. It’s all so laden with meaning that I need a lie down. What the fuck - now they’re massacring Silverchair’s “The Greatest View”? Good god, Dan O’Connor really is shocking, isn’t he? Marty continues posing like a Country Road model on crack, and at this point I begin wondering what I have done wrong to deserve this. Just when I think it can’t get any worse, they get Ricki-Lee and Angie to kick off a soul version of Waltzing Fucking Matilda. Make the pain stop!

10:09pm Surprisingly, relief comes in the form of Guy Sebastian continuing the song. I know everyone hip dislikes Guy, but fuck it - I’m outing myself as someone who likes Guy although I can’t wait till his inevitable Britney-like fall from Christian grace. Guy’s 30 second vocal contribution to the night really has shown up the Top Twelve though, I must say.

10:11pm His dreadful fro, on the other hand, has not.

10:12pm James says that the result is just a few minutes away, but I recall hearing similar sentiments back at 9:47pm. Longest. Night. Ever. Housemate Poinaa points out that “they’re stretching it out worse than Eddie McGuire does!”

10:17pm But the ads has come and gone, and it seems they were telling the truth! Ohmygodwhatsgonnahappenwhosgonnawinsonervoushit etc. The responsibility of announcing the result goes to Andrew G which is completely understandable after James “Tongue Epilepsy” Mathison’s screw up last year. And the winner is…

CASEY DONOVAN!

Good god! I can’t believe my Blair-itis Prediction actually ended up being correct! Woo!

10:21pm Folks, here’s the Australian Idol for 2004, Ms Casey Donovan, with her first single “Listen To My Fart With Your Heart”. If I’m gonna have to hear that song on the radio incessantly for three months, I’m glad it’s Casey’s infinitely more interesting version. Don’t worry Anthony, no record company is going to miss the chance to milk your success with the laydeez.

So kids, that’s it for this year’s Idol blog. We backed a winner - woo!

We’ve had some highs and lows, met quite a few interesting characters, and even though we’ve no doubt wanted to use a rifle on our television at times like a disgruntled bourbon-soaked Texan with anger-management issues - it really has been a pleasure.

I feel I should mention at this point that ausculture.com don’t really hate or loathe any of the contestants or judges - not even Marty & Marcia! - since only mental people develop real issues with folks from the telly. But riding the metaphorical raging river of Idol emotions has been a right laugh at times, and we thank contributors, regular readers and regular lurkers for choosing to hop aboard the ausculture.com “canoe” over the past few months. We also thank you for tolerating that ridiculous river analogy.

After a few months recuperating from the blogging responsibilities that comes with running special event mini-blogs, who knows - perhaps we’ll muster up enough strength to do it all again next year?

Till then, touch yourselves and each other. I mean, take care of yourselves - and each other. I really should stop watching The Jerry Rimmer Show on the Adult Entertainment cable channel.

So long!

ausculture.com xxx