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October 26, 2004

Marcia Hines Talks Idol

Hello, sister-girlfriends! This is Marcia Hines, Queen Of Pop, streetwise mama and Australian Idol judge - wha’s crackulatin’? ausculture.com has given me a virtual crib to lay down the 411 for y’all so get diggity and we gonna learn a little sumpin’ sumpin’!

Last night was so fly - Chanel Cole left, and I ain’t never been more happy. That ho was all up in my bizness, all the time. Each week I was all “Yo, Chanel! I wanna bust yo grill, girlfriend!” and she was all “Whatever, Marcia” and it was totally wack. I nearly busted a cap in her booty around week three but Ian and Mark (my homies) were all “Marcia, the girl is fly! Please don’t put the smack down!” But you all know I would, yo. I was so sick of the way Mark and Ian wanted to R Kelley her raggedy ass. I was so happy she left last night, I couldn’t stop dancin’. She always be perpetratin’. I just couldn’t help but be all salty with Chanel. She be all “I’m different, I’m special, I’m unique!” and I be all “Girl, why you be sellin’ wolf tickets now, yo? You be jawsin!” I ain’t usually the kind of squirrel who be whoobangin’ fellow bitches, but Chanel was a total wanksta.

Anyway, enough ‘bout Chanel. There be other contestants that be totally wylin’!

I’ll start with Anthony Calea - I would love him to be my baby-daddy. That means “boyfriend” to all you un-street peeps out there. He is off the heezy fo’ sheezy! I just don’t know why he don’t have a hoochie mama of his very own. I would have though he’d be a total ho-monga, but he just wanna sit back and chill with all his homeboys. He’s so fly. I wanna be mackin’ on him even I know he be Danny DeVito-sized. What can I say, young boys be my kryptonite.

Now my man Courtney Murphy, he be a total phatty. I could sit back and give my man Courtney shout out after shout out, he be totally schizzle. Last few weeks, Ian and Mark are all “Playa, you slow steppin’!” but I’m all “Don’t you be talkin’ smak about my dude, he poppins!” Courtney loves it when I be parlayin wit him. He know my career be the shizzy, I can go all Zen on his ass.

Hayley, I just love, yo. She be gettin’ her swerve on, fo’ shizzle my nizzle. She a total cracker but I cool wit dat - and she be turnin’ real bootylicious! Mark is all “Yo, Hayley be da weaksauce!” but my man Ian just says “Holden, why you be puttin’ her on blast? You think you a pimp-daddy but you a poodle yo.” I laughed, cos Mark’s career be SO jankity.

Finally, Casey - what can I be sayin’ bout Casey?! Casey be gettin’ the hook up from Idol, fo sho. She be so good singin, I’m all “That’s tha butta, girlfriend!” Some people prefer to talk about her badunkadunk but they be foolin’ themselves if they be thinkin’ sister ain’t got the goods, yo. Don’t be sayin’ nothin to no one, but I be thinkin Casey likes the chronic a little too much, if you be gettin’ my flow. Sixties week she be all tore up. True dat.

So that be my first streetwise summary of Idol, yo - don’t you be thievin’ it, Sydney Confidential! Time for me to bounce and maybe light some trees, but I be back sumtime. Peace out!

I got nothin’ more to say to you.

Marcia xxx

Thank you, Marcia Hines. For readers with out a ghetto dictionary handy, Marcia hates Chanel but sickeningly adores everyone else. And she’s VERY ghetto, thank you very much.