Make ausculture.com your own. Post your content.
Register at http://www.ausculture.com/register

September 8, 2004

Top Ten Reasons To Vote For John Howard | Election 2004

Let it not be said ausculture.com is biased. Pot-smoking lesbian communists yes, but biased? Never! Therefore we have decided to provide those amongst us leaning to the right some reasons to vote for John Howard. It’s only fair, right? Hey, where are you all going? Come back!

Top Ten Reasons To Vote For John Howard

1 - John is compassionate. While many foolish individuals have questioned his ethics regarding asylum seekers, there’s another side to J-Ho that the folks at home don’t often see. The PM, once he’s managed to ditch the pesky press, has been known to extend warm greetings to foreign visitors, giving them personally guided tours around Canberra and ensuring they see only the positive, wonderful and downright cuddly aspects of this magical country. Sure, it helps if you’re the President of the United States but hey - if those stinking Woomera freeloaders put in some elbow work, there’s absolutely no reason why they too couldn’t rise to the top of American politics and warrant a PM-guided tour of the capital! Provided they have a well placed brother in Florida, natch.

2 - John is sexy. Bush may have the erotic sounded surname, and Blair might have been fathering kiddies into his forties, but only one of the Coalition of the Willing can truly be considered the ultimate thinking woman’s crumpet. Who? John Howard, of course! Those come-hither eye brows, a mouth born to lie gently lap at a conservative gal’s ear lobes, and a body that was meant for sin. Don’t think he wears that delicious Vodafone track-pant combo because he loves he way the parachute pants rub against his stumpy-but-sturdy legs. Oh no, John is well aware at how the ladies quiver when he lumbers raunchily past them on the streets of Kirribilli. After all, as John likes to say - “There’s nothing the Liberal ladies of Kirribilli love more than a man in uniform… except perhaps four-wheel drives and anti-depressants.”

3 - If John Howard wasn’t re-elected, the filthy drug taking hippy musicians of Australia wouldn’t have something to whinge about! Goodbye, John Butler Trio! Fare thee well, Powderfinger! Pull your pants up and get off the lawns of The Lodge, Frenzal Rhomb! And then what would we be left with in the charts? Slinkee Minx and Cosima, that’s who!

4 - John cares enough to keep in touch. People blubbed like babies when he arranged for his son’s software company to “spam” 157,000 Australians a few weeks ago with tender tidings from the Liberal Party camp. What people didn’t know was that John followed up on his initial email, sending the 157,000 lucky netizens two blonde jokes, six amusing cartoons relating to sex, the Blue Bear of Happiness, and a confidential plan to invest in a lucrative Nigerian business deal. I don’t see Mark Latham bothering to begin an email friendship with his peeps!

5 - There was an actor called John Howard on the hit show Sea Change. ABC were responsible for the show, and as we all know, the ABC is run by a pack of cowardly Marxists who suffer from impotence. Clearly, the people of Australia, by making Sea Change a top rating show, were sending a message to the scum at ABC - we love John Howard PM so much, we’ll even watch a silly television show about Sigrid Thornton trying to find a root in a small town because there’s an actor called John Howard in the cast! So if ABC watchers can admit their adoration for Mr Howard, there’s no reason why you can’t either.

6 - If Mark Latham gets the top job, you can kiss goodbye any chance of decent Australians, like Test Cricketers, winning coveted awards like Australian Of The Year. Instead, the foolish hothead will probably offload it to a doctor or teacher or philanthropist. Idiot.

7 - Which reminds us, did you know that John Howard is considered an honorary Australian Cricketer? Mostly he helps out in the locker room, washing the underwear and giving the protective “boxes” the ol’ spit and shine. But Mark Waugh once said “G’day champ!” to John Howard on the way to the showers. Or it might have been “Don’t touch me there…” Point being, there’s a pivotal relationship between the Prime Minister and the successful Australian cricketers, and putting Mark “Lard Arse Rugby League Player” Latham into the top job may just shake up international cricket beyond recognition.

8 - On the off-chance you don’t vote for John Howard, and Mark Latham and his bunch of miscreants takes over Parliament House, no taxi driver in his right mind would go within three kilometres of Lake Burley Griffin. Which’d be bad for decent Australian tourists, like the English or Americans, wouldn’t it?

9 - Once John wants to retire to Florida finishes out his fourth term as Prime Minister, he’ll hand the baton over to the delightful Peter Costello. Once Peter finishes wetting his pants in excitement and serving out his term, he’ll more than likely hand over the leadership role to Tony Abbott - moral guardian of the nation and all round sexpot. Good news!

10 - Seriously, have you checked John’s buffed physique in that Vodafone combo? PHWOAR!