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August 24, 2004

ausculture.com “Guess Who?” Shenanigans

Continuing with our new hobby of publishing salacious, libidinous and thoroughly defamatory murmurs - please, sit back, relax and enjoy working out who we’re talking about up ahead.

ausculture.com “Guess Who?” Shenanigan #2
This Aussie soap starlet seems like the perfect girl next door. Rosy cheeks, innocent smile - truly, she’s the picture of virtue. Or is she? While magazines like TV Hits, Smash Hits and Dolly Magazine tend to write articles about her which read like a publicists wet dream, for some reason they have resisted reporting on her past extracurricular activities.

Soap Starlet was a little like Hamlet before she was famous, except rather than pondering shaking off her mortal coil, she preferred the idea of shaking off her virginal coil. After a brief search for that special someone, she finally settled on her pick for the job. Did I say pick? I meant picks. That’s right, Soap Starlet arranged to have her first time with not one lucky guy, but several. Unbelievably, the entire thing was video taped and those in the know assure us that “She’s certainly enjoying herself.” Isn’t that delightful?

“But hang on a tick,” I hear you say, “if this video really existed, and if she really is the hornbag ‘those in the know’ claim she is, why on earth haven’t I seen this video on the Internet? Why aren’t the tabloids reporting on this?”

To put it simply - she decided to begin her search for the perfect cherry poppin’ daddies at rather an early age. Much earlier than the law recommends, in fact. Hence anyone who admits to having participated in, watched or owned the video may find themselves in a spot of bother should they decided to come forward and spill their guts to a tabloid.

Still, some suspect it can’t be long before Soap Starlet’s explorative younger years come back to haunt her. We wait with bated breath.