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August 17, 2004

This Is The End, My Friend

Well, last week’s spectacular chart effort by singer-songwriter Missy Higgins has been knocked off by… by… oh, I can’t bring myself to say it… Cosima Fucking De Vito!

Damn you, Cosima. Damn you, Dianne Warren. Damn you, Cosima’s militant psycho illiterate net fans. I know someone will end up having a go at me for saying this, but Christ! - that “One Night Without You” song sounds like the cheesiest slice of faux-Latino radio bung I’ve heard in years.

And the video! Cosima looks positively frightening. More attractive than she was in Idol, I’ll grant you, but don’t you think she looks like the kind of girl who would bite your genitals in the heat of the moment? Just me then, eh? On the upside, Cosima’s debut in the top spot does cement a point I made in the Slinkee Minx debate - hitting number one is not necessarily a reflection of musical genius.

But of course, this is all terribly arrogant of me. Just because I think Cosima’s song is rancid tripe doesn’t mean it’s undeserving of hitting the top spot. After all, Cosima’s a struggling indie artist now - pretentious Arts students everywhere have no doubt clutched her and held her to their proverbial bosoms.

In “researching” this blog entry, I checked out Cosima’s official site and the associated forum. Two things I thought I’d point out for you guys (to save you the trouble of looking at the sites yourself) are as follows…

Firstly, Cosima’s Quote Of The Week is “Music is the pleasure the human mind experiences from counting without being aware that it is counting.” Erm, rightio. Excellent. Not sure if that’s a direct Cosima quote or a quote Cosima likes but either way, it makes little to no sense to me.

And this brief tale comes from a Cosima fan on the official forums.

My respect level for Kelly Cavuoto has just shot up by about a zillion points. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need a coffee badly, I’m quite emotional this morning and can barely think straight…

Later That Day Right. I decided I should endeavour to properly listen to Cosima’s new double A-side before panning it completely. Her version of “When The War Is Over” sounds nice enough I suppose if you’re into that sort of thing, but it’s so very… middle of the road adult pop. Sigh, I guess there’s a place for it in the grand scheme of music appreciation but it still doesn’t do much for me. The whole time I hear it, I just get an image of a needy Cosima at last year’s ARIA awards tugging at John Farnham’s sleeve and saying excitedly “I sang When The War Is Over!” while he ignored her in favour of congratulating Guy Sebastian.

As for the Dianne Warren-penned contribution “One Night Without You”, well - I stand by it’s schlock-status. Again, this means it will probably be played incessantly on MIX 106.5. There is a good chance Cosima is turning into Celine Dion so is it only a matter of time before she gets hitched to a balding old man and becomes a kookily eccentric French-Canadian? We wait with baited breath…

In any case, since I didn’t really like Cosima in the first place (I found her far too diva-ish, and not in the good sense) I’m not the best of people to review her new single. Regardless of my good intentions, I’ll never truly be objective and thus ausculture.com readers might get a terrible impression of young Cosima that is perhaps undeserved. So in the interest of fairness and quality blog journalism, I have decided to publish a review from hmv.com.au which was written by a fan of young Cosima.

love cosima you go girl u should of been in the final of australian idol. I voted for you every single week about 10 times then my family would vote as well and i would promote u at school. u are da bomb girl when you sand when the war is over all this wmotion went through my veins and i just got a shiver down my spine i cried when you left and i am soo glad u got a recrd deal i will definatly be buying every single single and every single album u release keep on going and going i hope the best for the future for you. ROK ON PS 5 THUMBS UP IS NOT ENOUGH FOR YOU :)

Five thumbs up not enough for Cosima - could this young fan be using the flawless ausculture.com Chernobyl Rating System (patent pending)? Hmmmm. Regardless, I’ll let you make up your own minds about dear Cosima. Perhaps, like me, you find her first single a little too middle-aged pop for your liking. Then again, perhaps as you listened to her sand “When The War Is Over”, you suddenly found your veins pumping wmotion like there’s no tomorrow? Each to their own…